Gaza - the reckoning so far.

Getting to bed earlier gave me a better night's sleep. I did some chigung and breathing exercise to be sure my head was clear when I got up. The benefit of this was neutralised once the meds began to work. Even after walking for an hour before lunch the same old 'toxic head' sensation returned and stayed with me into the afternoon. I'm not happy about this. I have made it clear to the GPs that this medication regime leaves me feeling unwell. What do I have to do to get heard? Go and camp out in A&E?

I cooked lentils with mushrooms with the usual veg for lunch, and walked down to Blackweir Bridge after we'd eaten. When I went to take a photo I discovered that I'd forgotten to charge my camera battery. Rain  started on the way home. At last my head began to clear, allowing me to make this week's Morning Prayer slideshow and upload it to YouTube.

Clare went out early to choir practice, leaving me to eat on my own listening to the news. The body of the last victim of the October 7th Hamas attack has finally been recovered.  Over 70,000 have been killed, 20,000 of them children, a hundred of them during the ceasefire, Nearly 130,00 people have been injured.  Ninety percent of the population of Gaza are homeless, living in temporary shelters. Palestinians in Gaza have paid a terrible price for electing Hamas to govern. It's no wonder that Netanyahu's regime is accused of genocide as well as war crimes. It's far from over. The future is as uncertain as ever.

The Gaza - Egypt border crossing at Rafah will be opened on a limited basis to allow movement of people under the terms of the ceasefire agreement. Hamas will play no part in determining the future of Gaza. The next stage is the disarmament of Hamas. A politically independent Palestinian 'technocrat' government of fifteen appointed by President Mahmoud Abbas is charged with delivering essential services and managing post-war reconstruction, overseen by Trump's Board of Peace. The aim is the stabilisation of the Gaza, but how governable will Gaza be when recriminations fester between pro and anti Hamas factions? Will this hinder reconstruction plans?

After supper, I worked on a preparing biblical reflection for the week after next while my mind was active active, pondering on a Passiontide Gospel in which the crucified Jesus is mocked by passers-by. It was stimulating and fruitful. Good to go to bed feeling I'd achieved something after a day which for the most part was spoiled by feeling poorly.

Anoxia?

No wind or rain today. High cloud with sun breaking through thankfully. 

I slept fairly well, and woke up with a clear head. After taking my daily meds, the 'toxic head' sensation returned. Feeling sleepy and slightly faint resembles the sensation of not getting enough oxygen. It's how I feel in a poorly ventilated room. I remember this from when I was a child living in a house with open coal fires on winter evenings. A memory that's taken a while to surface. I'm not breathless, but my pulse rate is low. It happens when the meds I take start to affect me. I was a bit slow getting ready to walk to church, and walked briskly to avoid being late. I didn't arrive breathless, but feeling clear headed and sharp after a ten minute walk. I realise now how important early exercise and a breath of fresh air is to feeling well.

We were about forty adults and a dozen children at the St Catherine's Eucharist. Sunday Club children usually join the adults at communion time. This morning they over-ran and didn't appear, so we had to wait quietly for them to arrive for a blessing or communion. They came in together, skipping, chattering, playing, a delightful sight, the faithful don't normally see when they're making their way to and from the communion rail for the sacrament.

I slept for an hour after lunch, then walked for an hour until sunset. Clare had a lie-in this morning and went to the afternoon Welsh language Eucharist at St Catherine's. We chatted with Rachel in the evening. She intends to sell up and return from Phoenix to Cardiff isn't working out as she hoped it would so far. It's so frustrating for her to move on. Jasmine is independent now and has moved out to attend university. She'd like to return and settle in Europe, so there's every reason for Rachel to be here as well, but for Rachel as a penniless musician it's a matter of starting from scratch back home.  We'd love to see her back here and will support her in any way we can, but it's a hard decision to put into effect in her fifties. I played guitar and she sang while we were on-line. Pity the audio synchronisation is laggy.

Medical intoxication

A fair night's sleep, but when I woke up and took my meds I began to feel poorly again. A good Saturday pancake breakfast didn't improve the way I felt. This time, I'm tired with a headache. I feel like I have a hangover. It's rare for me to have a headache unless I have an infection. I don't have a temperature or inflammation, and I haven't drunk alcohol of any kind. I went for a walk in Llandaff Fields to see if fresh air would clear my head. It didn't. With a cold wind blowing and drizzle, eight degrees C felt like zero.

An all-age Welsh Amateur Athletics cross country runners' meeting was under way in the park with scores of participants from primary school aged kids to middle aged adults and even older men and women. Despite the vile, weather onlookers seemed to be enjoying themselves, some choosing to jog from place to place rather than walk, presumably to keep warm. The running piste will be very muddy by this evening.

After lunch I had to ret reat to bed for an hour, but couldn't settle to sleep properly. In the end I went out and paced the streets until sunset. The toxic hangover in my head slowly dispersed by the time I reached home, some nineteen hours after taking the statin. What on earth is going on? Which of the three different medications is upsetting me, or is it a combination of them?

Clare made a vegetable soup for supper. I was talking as I took my second clot dispersal med of the day automatically and then couldn't remember if I had or not. I'm not good at recalling more than one thing at a time. If I get distracted and for instance, put my phone down, moving about the house, it can take a me a while to track it down. The advantage of taking two of the same capsules daily is that checking is easy. If I haven't, the remaining number of capsules will be odd. I just have to check by counting them. Unless of course I've missed two doses. Then I may be in trouble!

After we'd eaten, I recorded and edited next Wednesday's Morning Prayer, aware that I may need to do this early in case the intoxicating effect of the meds continues to make me feel poorly, or even worse. Early beg again tonight

Incorrect apostrophe use

A cold windy day, more rain expected in the afternoon, but a glimpse of sunshine breaking through cloud cover for a while beforehand. Nearly ten hours in bed, three without sleep. I'm getting used to it, and fall asleep between interruptions unless digestive system discomfort prompts bad dreams keeping me awake for longer. After getting up and taking my blood pressure medication my head felt like I'd been poisoned. It takes an hour to recover. I went for a walk before lunch to clear my head but it didn't work. I have a mild headache, unusual for me. Is this to do with taking different clot dispersal medication in addition to the statin?

The missing specs turned up underfoot when Clare was opening the back door, fortunately unbroken apart from a lens popping out. When I returned home wet yesterday I must have removed my rain coat to hang up to dry in the utility room and dislodged them from the jacket pocket I keep them in when I'm outdoors.

After breakfast the plumber arrived to inspect the bathroom bidet which has developed a persistent leak. It was installed eight years ago and has survived  daily use since then. Not bad for a mechanism made from a few plastic components I suppose. Just he rang the door bell, as I was reading the story of God's promise to Noah that the land would not be covered again by a flood. It made me smile.

In Llandaff Fields I noticed nine new saplings, planted recently, compensating for the removal of several decrepit chestnut trees. So glad the City Council is investing in different species better adapted to climate extremes. Good for carbon capture, enhancing biodiversity and beautifying the landscape. I wonder when pieces of two large recently felled trees will be removed?

I slept for three quarters of an hour after lunch and my brain didn't feel quite as intoxicated by the meds. Clare and I went for a brief circuit of Thompson's Park. The wind chilled both of us. Then we went to the Co-op on Cowbridge Road for kefir and fruit juices on our way home for carrot cake and a hot drink.

After supper I started writing this blog post, and for some no reason I can put my finger on began to muse on the correctness of the abbreviation used for 'spectacles'. Is it spec's, with the apostrophe representing the omitted 'tacle', or not? Googling revealed that I'd been using the apostrophe incorrectly since I began wearing prescription glasses over ten years ago. I searched my blog for the incorrect version, about a dozen of them, and changed the postings, including several titles. It was amusing to find a number of those blogs referring to specs lost and found in church contexts - more often than not.

Talking of sight, since the stroke I have had problems noticing, identifying and remembering objects I'm looking for. It has caused me to miss things and have difficulty finding them, especially dark objects in shadow. It's a result of the brain being slower to process optic nerve input and make connections, and there is a small amount of sight loss in the corner of my left eye, plus loss of field of vision in both eyes, I must learn to live with. But there are days of surprise as well as days of confusion when I'm quicker recognising objects and remembering correctly what I've seen. I can't figure out why yet. I wonder if it depends on how much sleep I get?

TACO

I woke up at eight to the sound of Owain, first up this morning, was getting ready to go to work at the HMRC office in the city centre. I listened to the news until it was time to take my meds at nine. Despite a relatively good night's sleep I felt unwell, half asleep with a slow brain impairing my memory for most of the morning. Taking the statin at bed time instead of in the morning has made no difference at all. The new clot dispersal meds are having an impact on my digestion and maybe my head too. Although there's been no brain fog, my mental processes are unnaturally slow. I even forgot to say the daily Office this morning It might be fatigue, or a low level response to the combination of meds. 

I wrote a letter to the GP asking for a referral to  the consultant, Dr Tom Hughes describing how I'd been affected by the resumption of the statin, and delivered it to the surgery, on my way to walk for an hour in Llandaff Fields. I went out after a change of trousers and forgot to transfer spare change and keys to the clean ones. Clare was out, but fortunately I was able to retrieve a spare one from our next door neighbour. The day started dry with clouds lifting. Rain returned and persisted until evening. Clean trousers and shoes were soaked by the time I got home.

At Davos, Trump has started to moderate his aggressive coercive tone pressurising NATO allies over Greenland. He's dropped the threat of tariffs and agreed to work in partnership with allies to defend the Arctic circle region from Russian and Chinese challenges. NATO allies are coming to terms with having to increase defence spending under pressure from him. Diplomatic determination by allied nations pushing back against his threats has enabled a compromise to be reached and Trump has changed his tone. He's tagged with the acronym TACO  in social media  - Trump Always Chickens Out.  There really was no need to reach a resolution of this issue so publicly, but he is determined to make himself the centre of attention any way he can. Like the game show host he once was. 

Trump's Board of Peace initiative launched at Davos with World Leaders accepting his invitation to his alternative international agency to the UN. Britain holds back from joining, partly because Putin has accepted and because the government is reviewing the legal ramifications of membership. As one UN official commented, Board members aren't elected or appointed as delegates to represent their country. This is Trump acting as if he's King of the World. No matter how well intended are his stated aims, his attempt at coercive control with American might behind him his recourse to lies and incorrect facts to achieve his objectives sows confusion and division not harmony in the community of nations. 

Since writing the GP letter this morning, I have been unable to find my everyday working specs. I've looked in every room in the house, and found an assortment of specs, mostly driving glasses, no longer suitable for reading and middle distance use. I have just one set left, my 'best' set that needed repairing a few months back as I used them so much that they lost a vital screw, causing a lens to fall out. I've looked everywhere I've been in the house since last using them, but so far no result.

This has not been a good day for me. Is it exhaustion? Is it new and existing meds interacting in a way that leaves me feeling worse not better? It's hard not to feel pessimism about my condition and that of the world. Maybe an early night will help.

Loose cannon

An overcast day with occasional light drizzle, better than yesterday's persistent rain. Inevitably I lost sleep, my bladder  irritated by the statin I took last night. My head was clear when I got up, but light headed. My thinking was slow, but no brain fog. 

I went to the Eucharist at St Catherine's along with seven others. It's St Agnes' Day today, stirring fond memories of the community in the St Paul's area of Bristol where parishioners taught me how to be a parish priest and pastor. Sion announced that I would be presiding at the Wednesday Mass next week. My next challenge. Several regular attenders expressed warm appreciation for my return to duty. The prospect is slightly unnerving though, given the light headedness I experience in the morning.

There's a lot going on in the news at the moment. Trump's initiative to coerce Denmark into selling Greenland to the USA is a key issue for discussion at the World Economic Forum meeting in Davos. He threatens to impose tariffs on countries opposing the sale. World leaders have reacted with open criticism, pushing back against him by contemplating the imposition of retaliatory tariffs. Trump's acquisition strategy includes an insinuation that the use of force to acquire Greenland ownership cannot be ruled out. This has really got the backs up of EU national leaders and the British government, and caused widespread moral outrage. Now he's trying to talk his way out of the crisis he has provoked by justifying his desire to own Greenland, rather that continuing to develop existing security partnerships. He's a loose cannon in the world of international relations.

Defence of the Arctic region is important to all stakeholders. So is the defence of national sovereignty. Resort to force by the USA would spell the end of NATO. An attack on one is an attack on all. Giving consideration to using economic and military force over diplomacy is foolish dangerous talk. A fall in the US stock market, indicates a loss of economic confidence in the present status quo, also echoed in nervousness about bilateral American trade deals. 

Trump's unpredictability undermines trust voters had in him. In spite of this, he gave a press conference on the first anniversary of his presidential inauguration bragging about his achievements he regards as successful. Power has gone to his head.  Immigrants who helped vote him into office see immigrants forcibly deported. Using National Guard troops to enforce inner city law and order violently has been badly received. No wonder his popularity rate is dropping. 

At lunchtime I started taking the alternative blood thinners with aspirin. I'm wondering what impact this will have on my ability to preside at the Eucharist again. Hopefully, the more preparation I do the better I'll cope. I walked to my acupuncture appointment at two and came away feeling less light headed and I walked for three quarters of an hour returning home via the park. Sister in law Ann called to tell us that her niece Helen is getting married in the spring. 

Then we had a call from Clare's Steiner school colleague's son Florian in Germany to say that his father Peter had just died. A decade ago Peter in his sixties had a heart and lung transplant. Amazing to think he survived so long. He taught Rachel and Owain when he worked in the Bristol Steiner school, an innovative social project in its time, sadly now closed. May he rest in peace.

Owain arrived to spend the night with us. He's attending a team meeting in the Cardiff HMRC office tomorrow before returning to Bristol. It's good to have his company, even for a short time. 

BT impersonators and more medication misery

Another dull damp day, but I think I slept a bit better. Ten hours in bed, three of them awake and a couple of dreams at the point of waking up to pee. I think they were travel dreams. I was listening to a news item about Chinese hacking activity when a phone call arrived from someone with a Chinese accent purporting to be from BT, alleging our router settings had been changed to allow password free wi-fi access and that malware was downloading on to our network, presumably via a drive-by exploit. The caller wanted me to access the router admin account to remedy this, and was offering help to do so. Given how recently it was that the system was configured by an OpenReach engineer and knowing exactly who has logged into our wi-fi since then, I asked a few questions for clarification. 

Vague answers amplified my suspicion, so I then challenged the caller to identify herself in a way I could verify. She became more pushy. I put the phone down. Within a minute a 'supervisor' called and continued where the woman had left off. I put the phone down on him too. I was half awake when the calls started but fully awake when they ended and somewhat distressed. I called the BT contact number on my mobile, went through the security check and received a return call. A secure connection check confirmed that all was in order. The call was from a scammer trying to hijack the account. I was advised of the way to check independently in future if there had been breach of wi-fi security and that set my mind at rest.

While I was on the phone, I ate my daily banana, drank water and took my first pill of the day and then got dressed. I was under the impression I had a GP appointment at ten. This interruption had wasted the hour I had to eat breakfast and get myself to the surgery. I got there five minutes late, only to discover the appointment is this afternoon. I had misread my digital diary. What an upset, what a mess! 

Clare's study circle was arriving when I got home. I had breakfast in the kitchen on my own then checked if I had taken my first pill of the day. I have a tendency to do things automatically and not remember if I really follow my daily routine. It's difficult if I get disrupted. It wasn't clear if I had followed the routine. Strips of medication currently in use by the pharmacy don't have days of the week helpfully printed on them, I don't get on with those fiddly pill box accessories marked with days of the week,  so I now have to write the days on the medication pack. Writing on foil doesn't always show clearly. After the stroke I used a daily tick sheet as part of the meds routine plus a phone notification. Now I only take two pills a day at different times, it's easier to remember. If I get disrupted, I'm in trouble.

I returned to the surgery in the rain for my appointment at three. The wind blew so fiercely and erratically I couldn't control my brolly and risked damaging it. The GP I saw addressed concerns written in the letter I delivered. Apparently, not taking statins adds to the risk post stroke. The body produces more cholesterol than normal. Being dairy free is said to make no difference. I wasn't offered a cholesterol test that would confirm this, however. I said the statins made me feel poorly and deprived me of a morning's activity. It was suggested I take the med at bed time instead. It remains to be seen how I cope, given the number of times I get up to pee in the night. 

Dr Hughes the cardiologist had written to the surgery recommending replacing the clot dispersal med with aspirin plus another with a long unpronounceable name. This is said to stop blood leakage from minor wounds like my big toe and perineum. I took the prescription to the pharmacy opposite the surgery and was told a delivery was awaited. Tomorrow, hopefully.

The rain worsened on my way home. I collected household waste paper reading for collection tomorrow, but was unable to put it into the relevant blue bag without getting soaked and had to wait for a break in the rain to finish the job. It didn't stop for long. I paced up and down indoors for exercise to keep my blood circulating in an effort to lower my blood pressure. The GP said it was very high. This wasn't a surprise to me, the way I was feeling. The scam call this morning upset me and my reaction to it along with feeling trapped by there being no alternative to a set of meds that rarely leave me feeling well, continued right up to bed time