Stocking up

A lovely spring day to rejoice in, despite the clouds that play hide and seek with the sun. The sweet scent of lilac on a mild breeze wafts into the garden from a neighbouring tree. Having taken the precaution of  not eating much high fibre bread, I make a better start to the day. Blood pressure medication affects me as ever. light headed, a bit slow thinking, but clearer. My intestines are not as irritated so I don't feel as poorly as I have been. The pills seem to amplify the stressful distracting effect of bowel irritation, just as irritating noise does.

After breakfast, we walked to the King's Road pharmacy to collect our prescription medications. Two month's worth for me. In case I forget, I now add a reminder to my phone calendar a week before I run out. I had just one day's supply left, as last time I found out that I had to initiate a repeat prescription with a week's notice. I have the new NHS digital app on my phone and should be able to re-order using it, but I have yet to master it. The app won't remember my password automatically, even if this is probably for security reasons. I have yet to figure out how to enter a pass-code without making a mess of it. When my brain is working slowly, I get nervous about making mistakes and locking myself out of the system. I'm over-cautious and my confidence ebbs. I haven't got much further than admitting that I have a problem trusting myself in these circumstances. I need hand-holding to get used to tackling new things and doing them habitually.

Clare had a problem with her repeat prescription for eye drops. The UHW eye clinic failed to communicate properly with the GP surgery and sent a letter to the pharmacy which the surgery her to call to call the clinic to ask for an explanation of what was meant to happen. She had to buy eye drops of the required composition to tide her over until she can sort out the issue with the eye clinic.

We went to Jason's greengrocer's shop on our way home. The sun was shining so I erected the garden sun brolly and we drank our morning coffee and had lunch sitting beneath it, listening to the neighbourhood blackbird sing. 

After lunch, a walk in Llandaff Fields. Pontcanna Fields was taken over by the Urdd national schools' rugby tournament for boys and for girls teams. Hundreds of youngsters playing enthusiastically in  afternoon sunshine. Great to see.

After supper, apart from a chat with Owain, I wrote a Gospel reflection on two healing stories presenting the approach and method of Jesus the healer. It took me rather a long time to condense my thoughts, so it was late by the time I headed for bed. Grateful for a clear head and no gut irritation.

An afternoon with the WNO

Cool and mostly cloudy today. I slept fairly well but woke up early with irritated bowels, denying me a lie-in. I'm coming to the conclusion that it's the combined effect of the slow release medication capsules and too much high-fibre bread that's triggering irritation and diharrea. When I took my daily blood pressure pill after a lower fibre breakfast the unpleasant sensation of intoxication was minimal my head was clearer my thinking was less sluggish and stayed like that for the rest of the day.

We went to the Parish Eucharist at St Catherine's. Ordinand Jeremy preached well on the Road to Emmaus story. As he spoke about the disciples realising that the risen Christ was making himself known in the breaking of bread. This reminded me of the day thirty years ago when I was in Syria, travelling by shared taxi from Aleppo to Damascus. We stopped at a village bakery to collect several kilos of fresh baked pitta bread. Its aroma filled the minibus, and the man who brought it on board began tearing off strips of it to share with fellow passengers. After saying shukran, all ate in an appreciative silence as we drove on. A similar moment of realisation for me in a predominantly Muslim country, a moment I treasure.

We did some shopping  at the Coop before returning home for lunch. We both snoozed for a while before a taxi arrived to take us to the Millennium Centre for a matinee performance of Wagner's 'Flying Dutchman. I wondered how I would cope with my first outing to this familiar much loved venue. It was busy with people on the move. I was reminded that visual impairment has affected my spatial awareness by the nervousness which accompanied navigating my way through the crowd. My impression of the auditorium was that it's smaller than my recollection of it. My hearing seems more sensitive since the stroke. The sound of a thousand people chatting before curtain-up I found disturbing and difficult to adjust to. The loudness of the orchestra however, didn't bother me. The singers' German diction was excellent and added extra emotional power.

The minimalist staging of the performance was clever but hardly nautical. The heroine's back story was presented on stage in a striking visual way during the overture, but the significance of this was squandered by the absence of any reference in the synopsis to this key element in the entire drama. While there is a mysterious element to this maritime story, I don't think it helped that is was inadvertently mystifying. This was the final opera to be conducted by Tomáš Hanus, who is now moving on. I wonder who will replace him?

A crowded number six bus was waiting outside when we left the Millennium Centre, which took us to the town centre bus station where a number sixty one was waiting to take us to Pontcanna. We were home for supper just after the Archers started. I went for a sunset walk in need of exercise. After spending much extra time sitting down on a hard theatre seat my buttock muscles were stiff! 

Changing electoral scene in Wales

Sunshine but also clouds this morning. I felt better for getting to bed by eleven, but still lost a couple of hours' sleep during the night. The blood pressure pills make me feel sleepy and slow thinking. I feel worse in the morning if I don't fall asleep quickly. Rarely do I sleep for more than three hours before my bladder disturbs me. Sometimes tiredness accumulates, just like mild dehydration if I don't notice I haven't drunk enough. Getting the balance between rest and activity is daunting.

Our postal voting papers for the Senedd elections arrived in today's mail. Clare has put up a Green Party poster in the bay window already. There are several other houses in the street displaying them as well. Forthcoming Senedd election opinion polls predict Labour will lose power, with the Greens, Reform, Plaid Cymru and Conservative candidates all contending. The age of eligibility to vote is now sixteen. How first time youngsters will vote may turn out to be unpredictable and interesting.

Clare started cooking brown rice for lunch. I prepared the veggies, and savoury prawns. The meal made me sleepy. It was an effort to get started on my afternoon walk with a sleepy head, but it cleared the longer I exercised. The sun and warm wind made it a pleasant afternoon for walking, especially along a stretch of the Taff, where I saw a goosander and a pair of cormorants. The river bank is carpeted with wild garlic and bluebells a beautiful sight.  After a circuit of Pontcanna Fields I went to the shops on the way home to buy a few things we needed. After a good eight kilometer walk I was bothered that my feet hurt. It's unusual for me. No ankle swelling fortunately. Sometimes I can't figure out what's happening with my body.

After supper, I made the prayer video for the Wednesday after next, the feast of Catherine of Siena, and uploaded it to YouTube. We chatted with Rachel. I watched another episode of 'Blanca'. It was an interesting idea to have a blind person with superior sense of smell as well as hearing as part of a detective team, but it errs in being over-sentimental, not only in terms of romantic entanglements but also in terms of her relationship with a guide dog. The snappy multi-screen cinematic presentation of some parts of the story reminds me of avant garde movies of the sixties, and adds little if anything to the story.

Talks during the cease fire between Iran and America led to the Straight of Hormuz being re-opened under tight Iranian control and payment of a shipping toll. American blockading of oil exporting ports to exert pressure on Iran at the negotiating table has led to the Straight being closed again to most traffic. Iran has not yet agreed to a further round of negotiations as it regards American demands as excessive and will not preserve the country's rights under international law.

Trump's continued coercive threats merely add to the uncertainty of the outcome of peace negotiations. Strategic experts think he has overplayed his hand, because he is desperate to be seen as winning the war. Iranian leadership highlights lies and inconsistencies in his social media utterances. He's too fond of keeping everyone guessing and ignores the fact that he's being dealt with as untrustworthy and a liability by allies and adversaries.

Action inertia

Overcast with drizzles of rain this morning. I woke up before daybreak and heard a solitary blackbird sing in the garden. I went back to sleep, slept until after nine and felt quite well when I got up, but the blood pressure pills soon delivered the usual light headed feeling, impairing concentration. 

Pakistan brokered cease-fire talks between Iran and America have resulted in a resumption of maritime traffic through the Strait of Hormuz with pressure being exerted on Iran by US blockades of oil exporting ports. Keeping the Straight open is of vital importance. There's now an international shortage of jet fuel which is going to have a critical effect on transport and trade. If energy exports from the Middle East  were to resume immediately it would take time for global supply chains to recover. Trump's war initiative has proved to be a colossal miscalculation.

Peace talks between America and Iran will continue over the weekend. Israel and Lebanon are holding talks during a ten day truce with Hezbollah. This is linked to Iran easing pressure on Hezbollah to prevent retaliation on its behalf during the cease fire. Russia is feigning concern about the peace talks alleging America is stalling for time to regroup its forces to add to uncertainty and tension on the battle front. Russia has been supplying drones to Iran and its allies to sustain the conflict, a lucrative business for a malicious stakeholder in the conflict.

After breakfast, I wrote a long email to Sara, which took me ages to compose as I was thinking so slowly. Then I walked for three quarters of an hour in Llandaff Fields to try and clear my head while Clare was cooking lunch. 

Each day the leaf canopy looks denser. Some of the horse chestnut trees are now coming into bloom with their distinctive tall white flower spike 'candles' opening. A lovely springtime sight. From our back garden we can see blue lilac blossoming in a garden opposite. Another tree has burst into leaf in the past few days so you can't see through it any more, for the first time since last autumn. I returned home and dozed for an hour after we'd eaten. Then I went for another walk in a vain effort to clear my head and it started to drizzle. The jacket I was wearing wasn't waterproof so I had to return home to avoid getting soaked. Then I absorbed myself in transcribing more of my Jamaica travel diary until the sky cleared of clouds and the sun shone an hour later. I went out again, with my head clearing at last, and took a few photos of trees in leaf, luminous as the sun approached the horizon, and completed my daily step quota before supper. 

We chatted with Owain later, he reminded me about preparing a Lasting Power of Attorney document for signing and registration. Clare's done hers but I haven't. Delayed and then lost in the brain fog when this was first proposed a month after the stroke - and that's now six months ago. Writing each day is something I can still do, but attending to detailed legal and financial information is still something that carries with it a fear of failure due to misunderstanding or simple undetected error. In many ways I've made a good recovery so far, but it's far from complete when my head swims, concentration evades me and I feel half awake, or just plain poorly. Sometimes I doubt I can improve any more than I have done already.

Jamaica revisited through my travel journal

A cloudy day with occasional sprinkles of rain, but not overcast. I had a fair night's sleep, but could have done with more. I woke up thinking about transcribing another of my travel journals. My previous writing project was reconstructing the Reggie Rabbit stories I wrote when the children were little. Rachel has been my editor, going through them in detail. I may not get around to seeing anything of my literary legacy published, but I would like my experiences and stories to be passed on to our children and grandchildren.

I recently found an assortment of writings made on my study tour of Jamaica in 1981. Most are on pads of airmail letter paper bought while I was travelling. All are in my thin spidery cack-handed script. The last time I referred to any of these after my return was in preparing talks about the role of the education system in Jamaican culture, and its influence on Jamaican family expectations of schooling in Britain forty five years ago. The country was Third World poor in those days, next to bankrupt. Bob Marley was alive then, singing his commentary on social injustice and the struggle of poor people to remain fully human against terrible odds. It was a life changing journey for me, visiting extended family members of Jamaican parishioners in Bristol, learning about their lives, what motivated some to emigrate and others to return disillusioned with social climate as much as the miserable British weather. 

Working on those papers wasn't easy and took over the day as the meds really slowed down my thinking. Clare cooked lunch, than sent me to collect my jacket from the dry cleaners afterwards,while she went out  on a different shopping mission. Coincidentally, we met each other twice in the course of our expeditions. Later at home, when I was trying to recall what I'd done during the day, my mind was a complete blank for a while, light headed too.  Eventually my memory yielded with two clear images of Clare in places where I'd recognised her in the street, wearing her distinctively coloured magenta puffer jacket. Then the memory of the afternoon fell into place.

Reading my travel notes and transcribing them is a lovely experience. It awakens strong images of place and time and people for me. Not least because my Practika SLR camera accompanied me. I took over 300 slide photos during my visit which I used in making educational presentations in subsequent years. Twenty years ago I digitized them all and they're now a treasure in my Google Photos archive. I didn't bother to transcribe the notes before as I always had the photos to remind me. In an amazing way, the notes awaken sensual memories of scents, sounds and atmosphere from fifty five years ago. 

I continued transcribing in the afternoon and early evening. Finally I walked for an hour to clear my head and get some vigorous exercise as darkness fell. After supper another couple of hours writing, needing to resist the temptation to keep writing way past bed time

Digital deprivation of liberty

Clouds and cloudbursts punctuating the day, but the air is warmer. Typical April I suppose. I slept fairly well but not long enough despite my new mattress. It's hard to shake off the sleepy light headed sensation the blood pressure meds produce, but I posted today's YouTube link to the Parish Daily Prayer thread on WhatsApp before getting up.

I had a red patch on my left wrist beneath the wrist strap of my Fitbit. As sweat accumulates beneath it dries out it becomes very acidic and leaves a sore mark on my skin. After processing medications the body exudes toxins through kidneys and bladder to eliminate them and through sweat. What comes out burns.

I went to St Catherine's for the Eucharist with half a dozen others. Over coffee afterwards Paul told us of his encounter with the new EU electronic entry and exit system, which is causing chaos all around fortress Europe with long queues and missed flights due to the electronic fingerprint recognition system's inability to read so many individuals' prints, particularly people whose ageing skin conductivity is low. Anto had this problem in his last encounter with EU passport control. Reports suggest the vast networked passport system is prone to crashes, not surprisingly if there's a large volume of read errors in scanning devices.

Nearer to home, new parking regulations are obliging us to pay for a visitor parking permit, which obliges users to register a vehicle and their eligibility by residence to apply and pay via a phone app or by SMS. Double yellow no-parking lines and white parking bay lines have recently been painted and yesterday new poles were installed displaying an information panel about the regulations. The regulations will be in force from the first of August. It's a far more complex arrangement than the existing physical permit for display in a vehicle windscreen. The text display in the 'mi-permit' phone app is tiny and contains far too much information poorly displayed. You can pay over the phone, or by SMS to use a free parking space if you can find one. I can imagine the system getting overwhelmed when a big sporting event takes place in the city centre. 

Increasing dependence on impersonal digital systems to manage every aspect of our lives with the promise of greater efficiency causes me much concern, as it's all too easy to get excluded from the digital world by complex demands to self-identify, or inability to use digital devices due to physical impairment. The impersonal element facilitates fraud, system hacking can steal or destroy vital data. The rapid expansion of AI capability adds another layer of vulnerability and threatens to reduce control over our lives.

After lunch I walked for and hour in Llandaff Fields and got caught in a heavy downpour, as I did on my way home from Mass earlier. I avoided the worse sheltering under a tree but then rumbles of thunder made me nervous, so I stepped clear of the tree instead of leaning against it. Fortunately the rain stopped soon after and the gentle breeze was a little warmer.

I recorded and edited Morning Prayer with a Reflection for the last Wednesday of the month after supper. As I can't tell in advance how well I will feel to tackle the task if my thinking slows down, and impairs my concentration I aim to prepare them well in advance so that all I have to do is post the YouTube link to WhatsApp. It's not been a particularly good day for me today, but the after-effects of medication diminish following exercise, and I can focus well enough to work in the evening. I just have to be careful not to keep working close to bed time or it will affect my sleep quality.

Medication feedback

Back under cloud cover again today, but I slept well, benefiting from slowly changing routine to get to bed an hour earlier. Despite this the blood pressure meds left me feeling light headed, mildly intoxicated and unsteady, though my balance was unaffected

Clare went to Penarth for her study group after breakfast. I spent the morning writing a biblical reflection and preparing another Morning Prayer edition for recording. I was slow to realise it was lunch time already when Clare got home and had done nothing to prepare lunch. She got busy quickly and ate at one o'clock as we usually do. 

Sil the pharmacist phoned, just as I started the washing up, so I had to return to it after the call. Reports on fasting blood cholesterol tests taken a month ago showed how high it had been and how much a lower dosage of statin had reduced the cholesterol level, though not quite as much as hoped for. It seems my diet is not exacerbating the problem. Rather than change medication he agreed I could continue taking the statin every other day, as the reduced dose makes a difference to how well I feel. I told him about the effect of the clot dispersing meds on my bowels, not that there's anything that can be done about that it seems. 

I also told him about the negative impact of being told I need heart surgery and a pacemaker, when I'm not experiencing noticeable cardio vascular symptoms, except perhaps when under additional stress, something which I avoid as much as possible. Living with the uncertainty of a random crisis is far from stress free if you're fairly fit and active as I am.

Today's blood pressure medication is affecting me more than usual, making my head swim. As I said to Sil, it feels a bit like taking a shot of raki on an empty stomach. Heaven knows why. Unfortunately, we have tickets for the WNO opera 'Blaze of Glory' for this evening. I felt anxious about how I'd cope with a late night and asked Clare to find someone to take my place. After half an hour's frustrating phone calls she found that her friend Gail is free and willing to take my place. I feel bad that I didn't think of this earlier when she was at study group this morning and could have asked if any of the members would like to join her. I'm not very alert today, just plodding along.

After lunch a new mattress from John Lewis' bedding department was delivered for the single bed I sleep in. It was uncomfortably hard to lie on and gives uneven support, even though it seems soft enough on initial contact. It replaces one which is so heavy it's difficult to manage. I hope the new one will be more forgiving. I need all the good sleep I can get to cope with brain fatigue.

I walked around Thompson's Park for an hour before supper. The grass on the lower level is carpeted with flowering wild garlic. The pond is fringed with harebells. A pair of moorhens are working on building a nest in the same spot as previous years. Three water pipes, part of a defunct fountain, project above pond water level close to each other. The birds collect twigs and lodge them in the triangular space between the pipes establishing a raft to serve as a foundation for the nest. Some years they incorporate a plastic bag in the structure which the wind has blown into the water. So ingenious.

There are patches of bluebells and a few primroses in the grass as well. A few red tulips stand out in the undergrowth next to a boundary wall. I wonder who planted bulbs there in an unlikely uncultivated spot. I spotted a couple of green parakeets which screeched high above me in the tree canopy and heard nuthatches calling to each other. All the delights of early Spring.

I called in the Co-op on my way home to buy a can of baked  beans to eat with a sprinkling of pimenton picante, on toast for supper. Fresh air and exercise helped to reduce the light headed sensation. I don't understand why the impact is so much worse on some days and not others.

For the first time in decades there are diplomatic exchanges between Lebanon and Israel. Talks between Iran and America could resume this week, following last week's diplomatic impasse. There are many uncertainties given Iranian backed Houthi insurgents and Lebanese Hezbollah. Threats from both are not yet eliminated, and Iran's distrust of America for starting the war when negotiations had only just started is not going to facilitate progress. 

Apart from wide ranging economic repercussions, Trump's closure of the Straight of Hormuz to tankers exporting oil from Iranian ports, starves Iran of income. Blockage of the Straight would violate the law of the sea regarding an international maritime highway open to the world. Supply shortages of oil and gas inflate costs and threaten global recession. Britain's dependency on oil and gas imports will be disastrous for the UK economy. I had a message from nephew Jules saying that Ireland is being hit hard by fuel shortages with price rises leading to protest from the farming community.

Trump's popularity is plummeting. Trump posted on his Truth Social platform 13 times from 9pm to 4:10am.  So he can't be getting much sleep. Is he losing the plot? He and his team had not thought through his coercive strategy in sufficient detail to yield positive results. Where will this lead? 

Digital blasphemy

I woke up to a bright sunny day after a poor night's sleep, plagued by worries about what the cardio consultant had to say on Friday, implying that I'm less stable physically than I thought I was. This hit home just as I thought my body was adjusting to  the impact of various medications, as I'm recovering a degree of resilience in coping with stroke after-effects. Losing a third of a night's sleep affects me cognitively. More typos when I write, not attentive enough to notice potential accidents. It's as bad as it was three months ago, very upsetting and demoralising.

Peace negotiations between America and Iran have failed to reach agreement. Some tanker traffic is passing through the Straight of Hormuz with Iran's permission, but Trump is now forcing the issue with a blockade on Iranian oil exports, which may well result in an end to the existing cease-fire. He has scathingly criticised Pope Leo's continuing criticism of the war. "Not even Hitler or Mussolini attacked the Pope so directly and publicly." said Italian church historian Massimo Fagioli. Extreme fundamentalist Christians and Zionists are hailing Trump as a Messiah figure fulfilling biblical prophecy. An AI generated image of him portrayed as a latter day saviour and healer has appeared on his social media. This digital blasphemy aroused so much negative comment it was deleted later. Another case of TACO: Trump Always Chickens Out. Let's hope this foolishness results in him losing conservative Christian support.

Five years ago John Bell of the Iona community went on record, denouncing Trump as a bogus messiah when he was wooing the American religious right, posing with a bible in his hand making his pitch for the presidency. No truly messianic figure could ever promote salvation by violence and causing suffering to others. He thrives on coercive behaviour, propagating lies and deceiving the masses. But you can't fool all of the people all of the time. By the time his supporters realise he's not the saviour they believe him to be, terrible destructive things could happen which affect the whole world.

Clare and I went to the King's Road Pharmacy after breakfast to order our next batches of medication. This requires a week's notice in person. I'm not yet sure about ordering through the NHS app, not sure if I trust myself to do it correctly with swimming light headedness and poor co-ordination. It means planning well ahead if I find I can't rely on working the app properly. 

After putting in our medication orders we went to Jason's greengrocer's shop to stock up on fresh veggies, then went to  the recently opened Coffi Lab for a drink. The website tells a detailed story that would appeal to aficionados and dog lovers, but neither of us thought much of the flavour of their own roast coffee, said to have been grown in Costa Rica.

When we returned home I cooked a sugo of lentil and veg to accompany pasta for lunch, then I went to bed and slept for an hour until I felt fresh enough to go to the pharmacy and buy some aspirins. The number I have left doesn't match the number I need to take with the remaining dipyridamole, of which I have enough to last until the prescription is ready to collect.

Clare went to choir practice after an early supper. Just after she left, Rachel called and we had a lovely long WhatsApp chat. After a busy musical weekend she was in good spirits, as her gigs went well and were well appreciated. She got a hundred dollar tip in addition to performance earnings and was much encouraged by the feedback she received. We discussed the Beatles' song 'Eleanor Rigby' which she'd been asked to accompany on 'cello a singer using a digital keyboard with an auto-transpose setting. She was finding the fingering difficult, and no wonder, as it was in D flat minor!

After a little walk for some fresh air, bed very early tonight. 

Museum of the Moon

 I slept a good seven hours last night. The double bed is far more comfortable than my single one. I was more relaxed and Clare and I didn't disturb each other much at all. I enjoyed the company. I felt lonely sleeping on my own, when I was unwell after rounds of bum surgery seven years ago. Even more so over the past six months.

A cold cloudy day with occasional sunshine. After a family breakfast I went on my own to St Katherine's for the Eucharist, with about forty others. With so much to give thanks for, I just couldn't stay home and miss the service, so I took them with me in heart and mind. lunch was ready when I got back as I'd stayed chatting for a while after the service. After lunch Owain, Kath and Anto walked into town to the National Museum of Wales, while Clare and I waited for a bus to take us. The other were already waiting for us when we arrived.

The museum was crowded, busy and very noisy, enough to make me wonder if I'd cope with the intense stimulus of the moment. Well, it took time, but I did adjust to it. There's a big model of the moon hanging beneath the central dome of the entrance hall, the space branded as 'The Museum of the Moon'. You can to walk around it at ground floor and gallery level - a perfect photo opportunity for many, including Kath and Owain. I contented myself with watching and enjoying being there with them enjoying themselves. We spent time in a quiet gallery looking at some of the collection of Turner paintings. Clare and I resolved to return for the current Gwen John exhibition of painting another day. Clare and I then went to a Coffee#1 on the Friary for a cup of tea while the others looked at an exhibition of fossils and reconstructions of prehistoric creatures, and joined us later. Owain then took his leave of us and went for a train back to Bristol. Kath and Anto walked back while Clare and I took a very crowded bus back to Canton to walk home.

A young mum wearing a burka and a face mask kindly offered me the folding seat her small boy was sitting on. He was looking a bit overwhelmed by crowd. I thanked her and declined, as I had acquired an overhead strap plus a nearby pole to hang on to. We chatted briefly. She sounded as if she'd been raised and educated in Britain, and was at ease and confident about chatting to a male stranger on a crowded bus. It was a brief moment of courteous respect and humour, which lifted my spirits.

Kath and Anto arrived home after we did. Having already packed the car, we said our goodbyes and waved them away on their journey back to Kenilworth. What a lovely couple of days. They passed by so quickly. Now the house is quiet again, with a tinge of sadness and a few tears. I uploaded photos of the weekend wrote for half an hour then headed for bed, wishing we all lived closer together.

Unique birthday

Heaven help us, eighty one today, a number with special properties. Three to the power of four. Eight and one makes nine which is two squared. Did I stop to wonder if I'd make it this far when my life changed due to the stroke? I'm not sure I did, as I was too busy observing myself, taking note of the changes, and making an effort to write, and develop good new habits of noticing and compensating for mild visual impairment. It's been far harder to live with the impact of the various medications, and yesterday's verdict from the cardio consultant.

I lost a lot of sleep last night, distressed by yesterday's consultation. Waking early up to a bright sunny day didn't help. Fortunately my head was fairly clear without the medication having an adverse effect. I had birthday cards to open, greeting messages and the gift of a new novel from Clare to go with Saturday breakfast pancakes. I tried without success to doze in my arm chair to make up for lost sleep, and  cooked myself a quick pasta dish with mushrooms, garlic and passata for lunch to fend off the effect of low blood sugar. 

Kath and Anto arrived shortly after, then we went out together and walked in the cold wind for three quarters of an hour. Clare came with us part of the way, then made an excuse to return home to prepare my birthday cake, and let Owain in when he arrived from Bristol. When the three of us arrived home he was there to greet us, and the cake with candles lit was waiting in welcome for sharing with a cup of afternoon tea. Then there was a lengthy discussion about ordering special take-away food for supper, as I didn't think I could cope with eating in a noisy restaurant, feeling so tired.

We ordered food from a Lebanese restaurant, an assortment of dishes, mostly vegetarian. but including grilled halloumi and spicy chicken pieces. I settled for an interesting mixed salad as I wasn't feeling like a heavy meal, but tasted some of the other mezes as well. We drank a bottle of Beaujolais Villages, a good quality Gamay. It's the first glass of wine I've drunk since Christmas day with lots of water, not knowing what impact it might have on me, given the disruptive effect of the clot busting meds on my digestive system. I enjoyed the taste. It reminded me of life in Switzerland. although Bourgogne Gamay was more to my taste than supermarket Gamay de Geneve thirty years ago.

It was lovely to sit around en famille and chat until bed time, although we all missed having Rachel with us, of course. Clare and I went to be early and shared a bed for the first time in a long while, taking the risk of disturbing each other, so that Owain could sleep in my bed with Kath and Anto in the attic - rather noisy tonight with the wind and rain.

Unwelcome birthday news

Cold and cloudy again, and not enough sleep. Although my head was clear and sharp, I wasn't in my best  form. With a cardiology appointment at twenty to two in UHW, I allowed plenty of time to get there by public transport, as I wanted to see how long the outbound journey would take for future planning. I can afford a taxi, but it's good to know how long it takes on a two bus journey, if I don't have time or energy to for the fifty minute walk. My early phone alarm reminded me that I needed to make a sandwich to eat, as I would be travelling there through lunch time. I was lucky to get a bus for the twenty minute ride into town straight away, then a short walk to pick up a number nine outside Wyndham Arcade for the half hour ride to the Heath hospital. I arrived five minutes late at Cardiology reception due to the difficulty of finding the place, tucked away at the far end of the first floor. I was weighed and measured and had my blood pressure taken - high as usual - then after a short wait, I met Consultant Dr O'Neill who told me troubling things. 

My leaky heart valve is getting worse. I may need heart valve surgery at some future date. Plus there's a risk from an electrical blip in the heart rhythm which could cause me to faint, even though I am walking fit, not breathless, and have no pain. He proposed fitting a pacemaker. I'm not happy about either of these options. Whether I do or don't decide to get in the surgical queue when it becomes necessary there's risk either way. Such uncertainty on the eve of my eighty first birthday. 

I've received the blessed gift of a life that has been fulfilling and happy. Whatever time remains to me is uncertain and random. It could be snatched away from me in a brief crisis for all involved. I experienced grief at the thought of leaving my family behind when I had the stroke without knowing if I'd recover. I'm experiencing the same grief now in the light of this unwelcome new knowledge, and I weep. 

I don't think we can live entirely in the moment as if nothing else matters. Who we are, relationships with each other, hold memories of the past and hopes for the future, bound together by love. I'm blessed to have known the love of a family, received and given in all its variety. What am I without those who have come into my life over the years? My wife, daughters, son, foster daughter, grandchildren, nephews and nieces, in-laws, all the generations I knew who came before me, who knew me before I knew myself. So much to give God thanks for, so much love. 

Surprise move

The bright Spring weather didn't last long. It's cloudy today, with a cold strong breeze blowing. I didn't sleep so well. I woke up in the night with pins and needles in my arm as I've been clutching the duvet so tightly around my upper body to exclude cold air. My head seems clearer when I wake up, and the meds aren't having as noticeable an impact on me.

Clare went out shopping, and took my jacket to the cleaners, and I cooked lunch when she returned from shopping. I slept for an hour and a half in my armchair after we'd eaten. Jorja came to clean the house so I went out and walked for an hour wearing my tweed jacket. It insulates me from wind chill better than the one that's in the cleaners. After supper I went out  and walked again, though not for long. As the sun was setting, the temperature dropped with the wind chilling the air down to four degrees centigrade, making me shiver.

Israel's escalation of its assault on Hezbollah has been devastating for Lebanon. More than 200 people were killed in Beirut yesterday, 1,700 since Israel's current offensive began. Iran reckons this aggression violates the cease-fire. The continuation of hostilities by Israel is meeting with widespread condemnation. Netanyhu says Israel will hold direct talks with the Lebanese government, with the aim of disarming Hezbollah, something the Lebanese President already said needs to happen. The Lebanese army hasn't been strong enough to contain or control Iranian backed Hezbollah as a military and political presence in the country, but will this surprise initiative open a path to peace? Israel aims to eliminate Hezbollah's exploitation of Lebanon as a power base. This campaign has been costly and damaging to Lebanese civilians and has prompted more attacks by Iran on Israel. 

Key to de-escalating the conflict is re-opening strategic world trade routes for oil tankers and container ships, through the Straight of Hormuz and Bab al Mandab. Britain and the EU are taking the diplomatic initiative in  negotiations, but no progress yet. Trump's use of coercion and force has only made things worse. It'll be interesting to see how Trump's Republican party fares in forthcoming mid-term elections.

I watched the second part of an episode of 'Arctic Circle' about a religious sect, and was not impressed  A shockingly violent melodramatic tale of horror with an improbable narrative, reminiscent of a Grimm Fairy Tale with wooden actors seemingly indifferent to the violence they witness. It's possible they didn't think much of the story they were supposed to tell.

Truce of sorts

Another glorious sunny day after a good night's sleep. I posted today's YouTube Morning Prayer link to the WhatsApp Parish prayer thread at half past seven and dozed for another hour listening to the news. 

A two week cease-fire between America and Iran has been agreed with Pakistan mediating. The Straight of Hormuz will be re-opened to shipping traffic, easing the energy crisis and reducing the market price of oil. Both sides are claiming this as a victory. Peace talks continue in Islamabad.  Israel's war against Hezbollah in Lebanon continues despite Pakistan stating that the ceasefire covers retaliation against Israel. 

Drone and missile strikes against Gulf States by Iran's Houthi allies also continue. The Houthis could also block Bab al Mandab Straight to traffic adding to economic damage already being caused. Saudi Arabian oil supplies destined for Asian markets have already been affected. Has Trump underestimated the impact of his choice to wage war on poorer countries in particular? It's a confusing and unstable situation prone to further escalation. Britain has taken the lead in negotiations about keeping open the Straight of Hormuz. Despite the fearful battering Iran has taken, it still seems to be a strong position. The regime has not yet collapsed and its leadership is even more hard-line and repressive of its own people. Trump's credibility as a war leader is undermined and his political opponents are questioning his mental health, and whether he should be removed from office, unfit to govern.

A phone call from Ruth forewarned me that she wouldn't be there to prepare the altar at St John's for today's celebration of the Eucharist. I left early for church, furnished with Fr Sion's keys, to open up and do what was required. It's been over a year since I last took a service there, but I hadn't forgotten the necessary routine for getting things ready. My head was clear, and I had no problem with double checking my progress as I often need to, as I'm slow to register what I've just done. Maybe it was easier because I had no distractions while being in church on my own. There were five of us for the service. I improvised the homily and bidding prayers, and don't think I forgot anything or made any mistakes. Pleasing progress on the way to recovery, I reckon.

After a cuppa and a chat, I set off to buy veggies on my way home, but began to experience the un-nerving light headedness symptomatic of low blood sugar, so I went straight home instead to minimise the risk of fainting or an accident. As I was really late home, Clare had already cooked using frozen veggies and fish, which was a relief, as I was able to eat a meal straight away and recover quickly.

I snoozed for an hour then walked in Llandaff Fields, bright with afternoon sun and a cheering warm spring breeze at last. Many trees are heavy with blossom, pink or red, with leaves bursting through from beneath the flowers. Bluebells are out on the grass verge of the Spine Road that leads to the stables. On Sycamore trees, leaves are unfolding quickly now, transforming the landscape with their light green colour. My head seems even clearer, due to the bright light. It enhances my appreciation of a lovely day.

I spent the evening after supper watching episodes of another series of Finnish Crimmie 'Arctic Circle'. As in previous series it spotlights the sectarian nature of Laestedinian Lutheran piety suggesting that it has a sinister side that asks to be woven into the story-line. Rather odd really.

 

View from the moon

Last night I was in bed by eleven. I thought I slept fairly well. Not according to my Fitbit however, which reckoned I was awake three hours overnight. I did wake up early thanks to the sun rising in a cloudless sky but then dozed with the radio on as I often do, until I got up at eight, feeling clear headed rather than light headed. I didn't feel like I'd lost so much sleep. I doubt the accuracy of the gadget. If I wear it tight enough to have firm contact with skin on my wrist, I end up with sores caused by a wrist band that harbours sweat and deposits salty crystals as it dries out. No matter how well I clean it, the acidic accumulation burns my skin. If I don't wear it tight enough, its accuracy is unreliable. It's okayish as a pedometer but the rest of the data it collects is open to question. Its main purpose is to remind me to maintain daily activity even when I don't feel like it. The past six months this has often been the case. I've learned not to push myself too hard, and maintain a gentle regular pace. I haven't noticed until recently how much I've slowed down when I'm out walking.

The Artemis II mission continues calmly without setbacks. After surveying the dark side of the moon, the spacecraft is now on its return journey to earth. News coverage includes exchanges  with Mission Control and interviews with earth bound journalists in English and Canadian French. The astronauts express joy and delight at seeing the beauty of the earth from different angles in its cosmic setting. I'm not sure how it was possible for the crew to view the sun eclipsed by the earth from the Orion capsule. I found photos on the BBC news website showing the sun as a slender crescent with Venus in the Corner of the frame. Amazing. 

Meanwhile, in response to Trump's threat of destruction if the Straight of Hormuz is not opened, Iran has issued its own list of conditions on which a peace deal could be reached in response to his list of demands. Trump's threat to escalate the war by destroying Iran's civilian infrastructure is, of itself, a war crime. Iranians are now organising themselves in human chains across bridges and around key installations that cannot be attacked without slaughtering unarmed civilians. Iran also promises its own escalation of aggression by widening the scope of its attacks on the economies of countries backing America. What an extraordinary contrast, between the harmonious peaceful collaboration scientific explorers and warmongers fighting over control of the earth's energy resources, at the cost of lives and the instability of the global economy.

After breakfast, I worked on a Morning Prayer video slideshow and uploaded it to YouTube, well ahead of schedule, to make sure I don't get distracted by birthday visitors and a couple of up-coming hospital appointments. I try to prepare in order to avoid doing anything under pressure nowadays, as stress is now so much harder to handle. Now the weather is better and working outdoors is much more pleasant, Clare has been busying herself with routine maintenance chores, like renovating and re-varnishing iron framed wooden benches and a table that hosts her geranium flower pots. This morning she started chopping back an overgrown garden hedge that hosts two kinds of honeysuckle. I joined her to wield the shears on the tall sections beyond her reach, standing on a short step ladder, hoping it wouldn't wobble more than I could cope with. I wasn't sure I could. It was a small test of physical confidence that thankfully I came through unscathed. I tend to avoid taking risks nowadays, not wanting to cause trouble for others, but it's important to find out what I can and can't do when needs be, think about what I'm doing and resist acting on impulse.

While Clare tidied up the hedge trimmings I cooked salmon with rice and veg for lunch. Then we went for a walk to the Secret Garden Cafe in Bute Park for a cup of tea. We arrived as it was closing, but were able to get a drink and sit outside in the afternoon sun. A quiet evening after supper, and early to bed to ensure I feel well enough to celebrate the Easter midweek Eucharist at St John's tomorrow morning.

Lethargy

Sunshine and blue sky to wake up to after a much needed good night's sleep, but it was still cold. I spent  the morning writing and reflecting on news about the war in the Middle East, avoiding going out. I cooked a savoury chick pea dish with aubergine, courgette and butternut squash for lunch, and was quite pleased with the result. 

I felt light headed and lethargic after lunch but didn't sleep. I went for a walk in Llandaff Fields before tea. The afternoon sun seemed to warm up the wind enough to make it tolerable, but walking was hard going and slower with leg stiffness I'm convinced is a statin side effect. Or else I'm ageing noticeably faster. I had a chat with neighbour Dave, the same age as me if not older. We stood on sycamore avenue, indifferent to scooters, pedestrians and cyclists passing us on either side. No benches were near enough to propose sitting down. I didn't have enough energy to do more and returned home. 

After supper we watched the live news broadcast from the Artemis II Orion spacecraft as it starts to orbit the moon to survey its dark side.  It's already travelled further from earth than any other crewed spacecraft. It's a landmark moment in twenty first century science with NASA preparing to establish the world's first lunar base. Trump is proposing to reduce government NASA funding presumably on the grounds that commercial space projects will be less expensive in the long run, and more efficient, managed by his super-rich allies. We'll see how it turns out. It seems Pakistan is attempting to engage America in cease-fire talks with Iran. Trump's latest belligerent outbursts and confused messages about opening the Straight of Hormuz by force have produced a stubborn response from Iran. Concern is being expressed about the state of Trump's mental health, has his tantrums and coercive efforts meet with resistance. Israel is being hit hard with retaliatory attacks by missiles and drones following its assaults on Iran and Lebanon. This will erode support for the Netanyahu government.

After a short walk in the dark to complete my daily distance and clear my head, I got ready early for bed.

Easter under the clouds of war

A sunny day despite clouds and cold wind. Despite a good night's sleep, I had a hard time getting going, unable to shake off accumulated tiredness from yesterday. Despite this, my head is clearer and my attention not so blunted by the effect of medication.

I listened to the Sung Eucharist from Canterbury Cathedral on Radio 4 before getting up. Archbishop Sarah preached a fine sermon both pastoral and poetic, around the text 'While it was still dark'. The fact that she called for prayer that the war in the Middle East would come to a speedy and just end made the day's news headlines. Nothing was reported about the actual content of her sermon apart from this. The Cathedral choir sang a Latin Mass setting so full of dissonance it verged on being irritating. The congregation sang hymns half heartedly. No wonder, at eight o'clock in the morning. Pope Leo's 'Urbi et Orbi' address also appealed for an end to the war. It was good to learn about the exchange of greeting messages between Rome and Canterbury. Ecumenical dialogue and co-operation will continue as churches globally learn to live with their differences. A positive example in a conflict ridden world.

Trump continues with bullying rhetoric, now foul mouthed, to threaten the obliteration of Iranian energy and industrial infrastructure unless the Straight of Hormuz is re-opened. Iran promises equally devastating retaliation, which it has already shown it can deliver with far reaching consequences. Trump is being publicly reminded by international legal experts that such actions constitute a war crime. Argument weak shout louder on Trump's part. There is little trust between Iran and America for pursuing peace talks in the light of the US and Israel attacking Iran while negotiations were going on. Rescue of a missing American airman has been a success which will no doubt be dramatized in a movie eventually. It's been a costly success in terms of aircraft losses, but avoids the embarrassment of a hostage crisis.

We attended the St Catherine's Eucharist with a congregation of over eighty adults and children, pleasing to all who have been concerned about a decline in attendance which hasn't fully recovered since the pandemic. There has been a turnover in the local population in the past few years with young families moving into the area, and the welcoming nature of the church's ministry to them suggests attention is being attracted to a well looked after, well presented traditional Parish church.

We had a quiet lunch on our own. The Owain, Kath and Anto are coming next weekend for my birthday, but we had phone conversations with them during the day. Clare baked an apple pie with puff pastry to follow our usual salmon and veg for Sunday lunch. The leftover pastry she filled with custard for a tea time treat. No simnel cake this year.

My afternoon walk in Llandaff Fields was physically hard going, there was no spring in my step and the cold wind didn't help. After supper I watched another episode of 'Blanca'. It's an interesting idea, to have a blind person with highly sensitive hearing and sense of smell participating actively in police investigations, but if the resolution of the story is poorly presented, it lacks plausibility. 

Easter Vigil surprise

How cheering to wake up to bright sunshine and a clear sky, feeling bright and clear after a good night's rest, despite getting to sleep later than intended. After chatting to Rachel before going to bed, I wrote her a long message which could have waited until morning after getting into bed. Serves me right when I know how important is the first hour of rest to sleep quality.

Clare made pancakes for our Saturday breakfast, with the delicious extra of last year's blackberry jelly. She stewed some blueberries as well. The difference in taste between the two dark blue juicy fruits was notable, with the blueberries not possessing the subtle underlying 'woody' flavour of the blackberry.

A letter arrived from the City Council announcing the imposition of parking permits in this street and the neighbouring ones. We'll need a  'guest'  one for occasional visitors. Kath and Anto are the only car owners in the immediate family. We are now car-less. It's not good news for Clare's study group guests. It's £35 a year or £90 for a second permit. 

Will this improve the frequency and reliability of buses? Or prevent trafic congestion? Some households rely on a second car to earn enough to pay the morgage on their over inflated house prices. So relieved I no longer drive as the cost of using and owning a car increases. On a pension that would be another drain on resources.

Iran has shot down two American planes. Not all members of their air crew have been rescued yet. On top of this, two search and rescue helicopters have been shot down as well. It's likely to provoke questions from Trump supporters, and make it tougher for him to continue justifying the war to his right wing populist base, after claiming 'control of the skies', and that the war was 'nearly over.' 

His forty eight hour deadline for Iran to reopen the Straight of Hormuz is about to run out. What will happen to his threat to destroy Iran's energy infrastructure if they don't comply remains to be seen. Iran's air defences are not as degraded as Trump alleges. Dare he risk ordering the use of B52 heavy bombers if there's no certainty that fighter support can operate safely? Not only would further losses be very expensive, they would further demonstrate the foolishness of his rhetoric and his decisions.

Israel continues in its effort to conquer Hezbollah, with South Lebanon and the Bekaa Valley infrastructure and population suffering what is tantamount to war crime. Iran and the Houthis rain down missiles and drones on Israel. It won't do much to improve Netanyahu's political support.

By mid morning the sky clouded over again and the wind from the north west remained cold. I stayed indoors, recorded and edited audio for the daily office and reflection in two weeks time, rather than going out for a walk. I didn't go for a circuit of Llandaff Fields until after a lunch of prawns and veg with rice.

The decision about where to attend the Easter Vigil service occupied me for a while, with services set to start in the dark at seven thirty or eight and lasting up to two hours. I would have preferred St German's but with half to three quarters travel time there and back, it was out of the question. Likewise, going to the Cathedral and back, thirty five minutes walk each way. The Ministry Area service at St David's Caerau at eight, with buses up and down Cowbridge Road East promised to be the least demanding on my energy.

Wind and rain on the way there and back was demanding enough. We were forty adults plus children. A congregation of familiar people from Ministry Area churches in which I have taken services from time to time, plus several new Asian Christian families that have made their home in the area.

When I was welcomed at the door, I was asked if I'd read a lesson and said 'Yes' without thinking. Other than when I said Wednesday's Mass over two months ago, I haven't  been asked to read at a service for over a year. First I had to read through the text several times. It was in an unfamiliar translation with a few contentious turns of phrase to get used to. I had to read by candle light, but despite visual impairment, so  often a problem in low light, I read with confidence and vigour, just one little stumble when my memory tried to override direct text to speech! I felt greatly blessed to read Paul on the mystery of the Resurrection in the light of my recovery journey and without nervousness. I just had to laugh, being teased by the Spirit, landing me in a familiar exposed role, sustaining my confidence and concentration. A real gift!

The service ended at twenty to ten. I felt too tired to stay for the festivity that followed, and returned home by bus and walking home from the old Canton Police station stop. I got in at ten past ten, and went straight to bed, grateful that I was able to participate in and contribute to the proclamation of Christ's resurrection one more time.

Semana Santa - Llandaff and Malaga

Mercifully, I had a fairly good night's sleep. With the effect of the covid vaccination diminishing and my stiff neck and shoulder no longer painful, a better start to the day. Overcast, with the odd rain shower this morning. I had an email notifying me of a letter from Welsh Water, with no indication of its subject. I had to log into my on-line water bill account to find it. It wasn't straightforward as it was necessary to hunt for a web page location, not flagged to attract attention, in order to download a .pdf to read. It was information about a forthcoming change of water meter. Why not just send me an email directly? They have my email address. I use it to log in. Come to think of it, the NHS app uses a circuitous route to deliver letters too.

I walked to Llandaff Cathedral to attend the Good Friday Vigil at the Cross at twenty five to eleven. I was surprised to find the service had started. It was ten past eleven. I assumed it would take me twenty five to thirty minutes at my usual pace. Even allowing for the strong cold wind blowing I had no idea I'd slowed down so much. When I approached the cross for the act of veneration and went to kneel  My sense of balance is still good but my quad muscles without pain are uneven in elasticity. I have a tendency to wobble when bending my knees. Extra support needed. There was nothing within easy reach to offer stability. I had to settle for a deep bow instead, to avoid keeling over. A second indication within the hour of how old I am rather than how old I feel.

As I was leaving after the service, I was tapped on the shoulder by Mother Jan Gould and Father Peter. It's the first time we've seen each other since she took early retirement. They are living happily in St Nicholas Parish looking east from the escarpment above West Cardiff, and both looking fit and well. They expressed disappointment at the long delay in appointing a replacement priest at the 'Res', a church community which relies on pastoral continuity and having its priest living locally. It reveals just how vulnerable a poor working class community can be if there's nobody for people to look up to, nobody to speak for them. It's not inevitably about personality dominant leadership. A community champion can also be self-effacing, working quietly in the background enabling others to step forward and take the lead. It takes time for a new pastor to know people and be known, less easy if there's a team of clergy serving on rotation.

When I got home I found fish and chips from the local chippie waiting for me. Clare bought them for a late lunch on her way home from the Good Friday service at St John's. The rich batter in which the fish was cooked was slow to digest, so I went out and walked a circuit of Llandaff Fields to help it on its way and make room for supper, fortunately without ill effect. I can't fast like I used to. I get light headed and feel that it impairs my judgement. I don't want to have an accident because of this.

Iran is doing deals to allow shipping that meets their criteria through the Straight of Hormuz and charging for this. It will give them a revenue stream other than the one which Iranian oil provided. It can be used for continuing to wage war, or for urgent infrastructure repairs. Discussions are taking place on the other side of the conflict divide to construct a pipeline to take oil out of the region to shipping ports that can be protected, eliminating the Straight of Hormuz entirely. 

A coalition of European nations is seeking to negotiate a re-opening by diplomatic means rather than by force, while Trump presses on with threats to bomb Iran back to the Stone Age by destroying its industries and infrastructure and seizing its oil wells unless his demands are complied with. Such belligerent rhetoric simply results in another oil price rise which will further diminish his popular support. He's not only a loud mouthed bully but a fool if he persists in a war of words he cannot win. Even his own military experts doubt this is achievable. Iran has shot down an American war plane. One pilot is missing, the other has been rescued. Despite the military onslaught against it, Iran and its allies still launch missiles and drones at Israel and Gulf States. It still has military capability and its government, albeit repressive and cruel is still functioning. So much for the war ending "real soon" as Trump is fond of saying.

I spent the evening after supper watching Semana Santa processions broadcast live from Malaga in the 'Malaga Hoy' news streaming channel. I have such a strong memory of witnessing this in the flesh eight years ago, it seems very recent. Does time flow faster as we get old? Rachel called too. She's been reading the collection of Reggie Rabbit stories I wrote for her when she was a kid, going over them with an editor's eye. I hope she's not too disappointed nearly half a century later.

 

Confirmation the night of the St Paul's riot remembered

I had a message from Amanda remembering that today is the forty sixth anniversary of her Confirmation at St Agnes Church on the night of the St Paul's riots. We'd been chatting about a housebound parishioner of St Agnes Church, who was a real character with an unusual post-war history. I had then sent Amanda a copy of the short story I wrote about her, which mentioned the service at St Agnes on that same night at which both of them were Confirmed. Amazing to think it all happened half a lifetime ago!

Yesterday afternoon's covid jab hit me hard when I went to bed. I couldn't lie on my left side as the jabbed muscle was inflamed. I couldn't lie on my right side a torn ligament is painful. Lying flat on my back I dropped off but couldn't breathe properly, woke up with a loud snore to find my nose leaking blood. It was a shock, but the bleeding didn't last long. It was an uncomfortable night altogether, and I woke up feeling tired and ill - a nasty reaction to the vaccination - plus a stiff neck.

After breakfast, a phone call from a HMRC Help team member who guided me through reinstating my tax account. I explained that I was unwell, and he guided me with gentleness and patience through the tricky process of resetting the password to my Government Gateway account. It's such a relief to get this done.

A letter arrived from the Stroke Unit at Llandough hospital containing a questionnaire aiming to review my condition after six months in recovery. I wasn't impressed with the way questions were framed. There was nothing to enable a patient to report on the impact of medications taken, and the names of two mentioned did not fit what I was prescribed. I'll have to fill it in and append comments to clarify this box ticking exercise covering nine single sided A4 sheets of recycled paper. There was no place in the survey to mention visual impairment, surely a key issue in terms of confident mobility on foot, quite apart from fitness to drive. 

Questions about bladder and bowel control were too vague to be of use if it's not an issue of weak muscle control, but of the destabilising effect of medication taken. Questions asked about the names of specialists making assessments were unanswerable months after the event. I found the whole process annoying. A lot of this information is in my medical record. Don't these teams consult each other? Or consult the hospital's computer system? No wonder some services in NHS Wales are in a mess.

I sat up in my armchair and dozed for an hour after lunch, then went out for some fresh air  The cold wind was debilitating. I only walked for half an hour. The evening Mass of the Lord's Supper was at St Luke's, so I walked there for the seven o'clock service, at which Fr Jesse was the celebrant with a congregation of thirty. Appropriately, It got dark during the service. I didn't stay for the Vigil of the Passion, as I didn't feel well enough, and my legs felt a bit wobbly from sitting down for most of the day. I walked part of the way home with David, talking about our respective medication regimens and their unpleasant effects. It's what old men do I reckon, and I'm feeling old and tired today. I intended to watch a little of the Semana Santa processions in Malaga, but ran out of energy. I didn't get around to preparing the breakfast table before going to bed at ten.

Covid jab time again

I got up at eight and posted today's Morning Prayer video YouTube link to the Parish What'sApp thread. The meds didn't affect me quite as badly as they have done. I remained fairly clear and sharp. Getting to bed earlier does seem to make a difference. 

We were a dozen for the Eucharist at St Catherine's. We stood around a nave altar for Communion and I was standing in front of it with a full view of the Holy Table. I noticed that I could see the candlestick and lit candle to the right of me, but on the left side I could see most of the candlestick and candle but not the fact that the candle was lit until I raised my head. It shows where my field of vision is impaired. It's good to be aware of this and consciously look up when checking what I think I'm looking at. I've learned to double check when I cross a road in case I've not noticed a car entering my immediate vicinity. 

Almost all of us stayed for coffee and chat afterwards. I can't have slept as long as I needed last night, as I dozed for an hour in my armchair after lunch. I went out for a walk when I woke up. Fortunately a phone notification reminded me that I had a Covid jab in half an hour's time, at the Riverside Health Centre. On my way home I called at Tesco's to buy a few food items that we're running out of. Then I went out again to do a lap of the park and complete my daily step quota. Ashley called as I arrived home and we chatted for an hour and a half about our ailments and reminiscing.

An email arrived from HMRC this morning acknowledging receipt of my letter of complaint sent three weeks ago. At least it didn't get lost in the post. It will take a while to get an answer, but it's important that I have started the process. Owain advised me about the letter I sent, and this caused him to look at 'extra help' provisions for the disabled, access to the complaints procedure and information about how to obtain technical assistance. His inquiries and conversations with relevant team members have led to him to work on how to deliver this information in the most user friendly way on-line. It's complex, to say the least, as he explained when we chatted after supper.

Trump claims that Iran has asked for a cease-fire. and that the war will end soon. Iran says this is 'false and baseless'. After so many insults to NATO allies, he now threatens to take America out of NATO altogether in retaliation for members' lack of support for his Iran invasion proposals. The King and Queen are going to make a state visit the USA on the 250th anniversary of America's declaration of independence. Trump has high regard for the Royal Family, but how will he behave when the visit takes place? He's notorious for his embarrassing off-script random remarks and unreliability. Meanwhile several Israeli cities have been subjected to a barrage of missiles from Iran and Hezbollah in response to Israel's war on Hezbollah waged at the cost of Lebanese lives and loss of homeland, as swathes of the country are turned into a battlefield.

I'm confident Charles and Camilla can do the right thing in an awkward diplomatic encounter. Trump is so vain and self centred he may undermine his own populist appeal. He's already losing a significant amount of support due to his prosecution of a war which has caused such economic chaos and effectively ceded power to Iran, which still controls the flow of oil and gas from the Middle East to the world. Even Iran's president warns in an open letter to the American people of the cost of continued war. If at any time Trump declares he's won, it will be seen as a pyrrhic victory. What will happen, who will take over if it becomes evident he's completely lost his grip and is unfit to lead?

  

Bot spotting

A blue sky littered with hazy cloud dimming early sunshine. I paid for going to bed a bit later than usual; last night. Although I woke up clear-headed, the meds made my head hazy too. Will I ever discipline myself to get to sleep early enough to ward off their ill effect? Clare's study group arrived after breakfast. A quick excursion to the Coop was necessary to buy coffee and plant milk, as we forgot to stock up. That helped to clear my head. 

As I was settling down to write after returning with supplies, I had a call labelled 'nuisance?' on the phone handset call display - a useful monitoring service provided by BT. "Good morning this is James calling you .." said  a southern British educated voice alleging to represent a green energy company with a forgettable name. "Who are you?" I asked. "Good morning this is James .." the voice repeated. "What do you want?" said I. "Good morning this is James ...". "No you're not, you're only a bot." I replied, and put the phone down. Not so smart AI technology, badly designed or malfunctioning, unable to respond to a couple of essential business communication questions. The digital era has saddled the world with a host of attempts to win trust and steal assets with lies and deceit. 

Fraudsters and confidence tricksters have been a part of the world for millennia. In the past, scamming people was a face to face activity. Reliance on all things digital has made this crime largely impersonal. In different ways, we're all exposed wide open to fakery, constantly needing to question the trustworthiness of others, as well as needing to prove who we are, and that we too are trustworthy. No wonder institutions of government, finance, medicine and science are scrutinized, often distrusted, due to a pervasive climate of fear, uncertainty and doubt, in which truth and lies are readily confused, and people are failing to care about the impact this has on our lives. The so-called 'post-truth' era in human relationships is a diabolical invention designed for the entrapment, manipulation and domination of others.

Trump continues to insult those who won't automatically do his bidding in mounting assaults against Iran, threatening the future of the NATO alliance. He's not only a bully but a fool, unreliable, untrustworthy. In spite of all the damage done to Iran and its military capability, retaliatory attacks persist, in alliance with Iran's Houthi insurgents, on Israel and the Gulf States. Some ships get through the Straight of Hormuz but attacks on others deter use of Persian Gulf. The Red Sea with its long Saudi Arabian coastline provides an alternative oil transport route, but at its south eastern coast is Yemen. Houthis control entrance through the Bab al Mandab Straight. It's a strategic choke point for traffic between India and Europe whose name translates as 'Gate of Tears'. Asia is being badly affected by lack of Middle Eastern oil and gas.

I was expecting a call from the Consultant Pharmacologist this afternoon and stayed in until late afternoon before taking walk in Llandaff Fields and enjoying the sunshine. No call, however. I must have been mistaken about the day. After supper I joined the congregation of fifteen at St Catherine's for a healing Eucharist, led by Mother Sue. It was held in the side chapel where the grand piano is kept. Music was provided by a 'cellist accompanying Mother Sue on the piano. The story of the anointing of Jesus at Bethany was read, then the oil of Holy Unction was passed from hand to hand so each member of the congregation could anoint their neighbour with the sign of the cross on the palm of the hand. A bit messy, but effective. I appreciated the calm reflective nature of the occasion.

Diplomacy in the Holy City

Sunshine and a clear sky, but cold throughout the day. I slept well and my head was clear when I woke up. Then I began to feel slightly light headed but felt better after eating breakfast however, and no worse after taking my meds. My slow foggy brain was somewhat clearer than usual early in the day, and remained so. What exactly brought about this change isn't obvious. Will this 'improvement' continue? At least I have something to report in tomorrow's phone consultation with Sil the clinical pharmacist.

In the news, Israeli police denying access to sacred sites in Jerusalem for yesterday's Palm Sunday Liturgy led to widespread international criticism. Formal protest in a dignified but forthright diplomatic manner  pushed security authorities to reverse the decision. Careful dialogue by the Latin Patriarchate, custodian of Holy Places with Israeli authorities, has overcome an impasse which put inter-faith and community relations at risk of undermining goodwill and future co-operation, not to mention international opprobrium. 

Carefully worded press statements acknowledged the serious health and safety concerns that need to be addressed. The willingness of church communities to comply with regulations designed to protect the public indicated an effort by city authorities to prevent anyone from benefiting from what occurred. A side effect of this mini-crisis, is highlighting concern over anti-Christian incidents affecting Palestinian Arab Christians by Zionist and Islamic extremists.

I worked on my fifth Reggie Rabbit story, then went for a walk around Llandaff Fields before lunch, and  emailed the completed text to Rachel to read and comment about what I made of her notes on the original version she remembered so clearly. Then another walk in the park making the most of the sunshine despite the cold, grateful it didn't rain. Later Rachel and I chatted, and she sent me a file of a duet she recorded with Bill of the Black Forest Society band. A nice piece of music. 

When I was passing by the recently opened Coffi Lab cafe, our Spanish neighbour Miriam and her partner Pascal were at an outside table, and waved to me. She started speaking to me in Spanish. It's been a while since I last saw her, and I told her about having a stroke. We chatted for five minutes in a mix of English and Spanish. It was cheering to find that I hadn't forgotten all that I've learned in the past ten years, even if my memory was a bit slow retrieving the detail. Speaking or thinking in Spanish in a rudimentary way takes me back to a happy place full of sunshine - the Costa del Sol inside my head, always there even if I never visit again in the flesh.

After supper, I watched another episode of 'Blanca' until it was time for bed.

Passiontide under the shadow of war in the Holy Land

Having got to bed early to avoid sleep loss due to clocks changing to Summer Time, I slept well, and the meds didn't have such an unsettling impact on me. An overcast start to the day, with a cold wind blowing on my way to St Catherine's for the Parish Eucharist. I was relieved our procession with palms took place indoors for this reason. Walking around the church singing from a hymnbook while feeling light headed felt slightly precarious, thanks to my field of vision impairment, but I didn't trip over or bump into anyone. By the end of the service, slow reactions and the light headed sensation started to diminish I was able to chat with people over coffee before returning home.

Listening to the St Matthew Passion reading, the bystanders' words 'This man is calling on Elijah' after Jesus cried out "Eli Eli lama sabachthani" caught my attention afresh in a way they didn't when I was busy reading them aloud. Those Aramaic words open Psalm 22. 'Eli Eli' translates as 'my God, my God' but it seems the bystanders think that Jesus is addressing Elijah (which means 'my God is Yahweh') the prophet expected to return and save his people. They mistakenly assume Jesus appeals to Elijah to rescue him and are nervously joking about it as nobody knows what might happen next. 

That opening verse may be heard as a cry of desolation and abandonment, but despite the expressions of suffering in verses which follow, Psalm 22 ends in an expression of triumphant victory emerging from complete trust in God's power and mercy. The death of Jesus is far from the tragedy it may seem to be. The bystanders and his murderers have no control of unfolding events. The humble self sacrifice of Jesus is what determines their outcome and reveals the power of God's merciful love in Him.

After lunch, I completed writing the Reggie Rabbit story for which I could only find a drafted outline in my archives. I was quite pleased with the result, but I have no idea of how I might have intended the story to be told in the first place. Then I went out for a walk. The cold wind turned into a damp wind, so I only walked for half an hour, reluctant to get completely soaked through. I went out after supper and walked again in the dark before settling down for the night, trying to recall how the story about Reggie Rabbit and the Magic Chocolate Carrots might have unfolded when I first told it to the girls.

Having mentioned this to Rachel, she proceeded to recall the outline of a story, I told her more than forty years ago in enough detail to enable me to fill in the narrative detail. Letting my imagination go to work on this was great fun, but I had to stop and not press on into the night re-writing it. I rely on the right quality of sleep to cope with another day on this wretched medication.

Trump's popularity rating has slumped further, his leadership blamed for rising fuel and commodity prices. He and his envoys press on with forcing peace negotiations, reassuring critics with vague remarks about the war being over soon as an invasion force of American Marines is being deployed. His credibility and trustworthiness as a war leader are doubted by military experts. 

Iranian backed Houthi insurgents in Yemen as well as Hezbollah in Lebanon continue to attack Israel with missiles and drones. Gulf State energy production facilities, a key factor in both regional and global economies are likewise targeted, affecting manufacturing and food production. Fertiliser supply shortages lead to lower crop yields. Energy costs will increase food prices. People in poor countries suffer most. 

Houthi attacks, whether intentional or not, resulted in shrapnel from a missile shot down hitting the church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem. For 'safety reasons', including the lack of bomb shelters, the Western Wall and the Al Aqsa compound have been forced to close in addition to the church. There is, in any case, a restriction on gatherings of more than fifty people in all public places. Worshippers were barred from making the traditional Palm Sunday procession in the very place where the entry of Jesus into Jerusalem took place as well as celebrating the first Mass of Holy Week in the Holy City. The Maundy Thursday Mass of the Chrism, usually a large gathering, has been cancelled. It's not entirely without precedent. Similar enforced closures took place during the covid pandemic. Holy Week observances will take place, albeit subject to the restrictions imposed.

Sorting out stuff

I woke up in sunshine after a fairly good night's sleep. I was light headed and clear when I woke up, but became even more light headed after taking my morning meds. My goatee beard needed trimming, but my thirty year old electric hair trimmer with beard attachments turned out to be no longer up to the job after I dropped it a while back. I used the trimming blade on the back of my electric razor. This too was rather hit and miss. I think I need a new trimmer more suitable for the job. A birthday present maybe?

We had our usual Saturday breakfast of pancakes with the unusual addition of pureed strawberries. very pleasant indeed. I didn't feel like going out with such a light head, and worked instead for most of the morning on a reflection for Morning Prayer about the Visitation of Mary and Elizabeth.

Clare cooked lunch, then went to town to have an ear wax removal treatment. I walked for an hour in Llandaff Fields, before tea and the sky began to fill with clouds but it didn't rain. 

I spent some time going through paper files in my study, in search of paper drafts of Reggie Rabbit stories. The ones I found were digitized in 2010  the one I needed had no paper draft, just digital version of page of sketchy notes being worked upon. I found a series of travel notebooks: Greece, Jamaica, Mongolia, Syria and Jerusalem. Greece is already transcribed into a digital file, the first I did after retirement. The rest need doing. Another writing project from times before I started post retirement blogging. 

After supper I started reconstructing from notes taken the fourth of the Reggie Rabbit stories. Not easy as I don't recall what I had in mind when I first made them up. 

Early bed tonight as the clocks go forward. 

Bed time stories rediscovered

I woke up two hours after going to bed to the slow torturous bleep of a smoke alarm. It was impossible to get back to sleep in between, getting up to empty my bladder, and I couldn't find the pack of ear plugs that Kath bought for me when I was last in A&E. Sheer torture. I had flashbacks about the three nights I spent in A&E following the stroke with different devices bleeping warning sounds as nurses did their night time rounds, an experience akin to a disturbing waking dream. Having lost three hours sleep, I got up at eight thirty loaded a rucksack with a breakfast picnic of fruit cake, banana and morning meds, then walked to St David's Hospital for a fasting blood cholesterol test. 

It was windy with an unpleasant drizzle of rain, weather to wreck a brolly with. I knew a 61 bus was due when I set out, and went to the nearest stop with a shelter, only to see the bus pass me by. If I'd turned toward the stop in the other direction, where the bus was headed, I'd have caught it as the road was blocked for several minutes by a large van, and the bus had to wait at the next stop before continuing its journey. I had to walk the full mile to the hospital. Fortunately it wasn't a timed appointment. Two other patients were queuing to have their blood taken at the outpatients phlebotomy clinic. I didn't have to wait long and was soon eating my picnic breakfast before leaving. Rather than wait fifteen minutes for a bus I walked home and had a second breakfast. 

The bleeping smoke alarm was still punctuating household peace, but Clare found the missing pack of ear plugs to relieve the anxious agony it generates. My hearing is still quite sensitive, to the point that loud high pitched sounds take me to the verge of pain, I was so grateful the ear plug pack wasn't missing, just hidden. It gave me an hour's respite before Darren, a 'Care & Repair' worker arrived to change the battery. Clare had contacted their help line while I was out. 

Matt the plumber's apprentice arrived at noon to install the replacement bidet we ordered a few weeks ago. Unfortunately the one we had installed eight years ago after my surgery to treat anal infection started to leak a few months ago and couldn't be repaired. I don't think either of us would want to do without a bidet now, as we got so used to using it. It turned out the job couldn't be completed as the piping attachments for joining the bidet to the water supply are American not European specification. A workaround or some kind of adapter is needed. This leaves us without an upstairs toilet over the weekend. We must be grateful the house has two.

While Clare was out after lunch, I recorded and edited Morning Prayer and Reflection for the second week of Easter, and made the video slideshow to go with it for posting to YouTube. Then I walked in Llandaff Fields for the best part of an hour, and finished watching the episode of 'Blanca' which I started last night, rather too late to finish before bed.

When Rachel and I last talked, she'd just read 'Jack's Tale', about her Great Grandfather's time in America, and worked with me to correct the typos she found. She mentioned the Reggie Rabbit stories I wrote and read to her and Kath at bed time when they were young. I promised to extract them from my digital archive and send them to her. Tonight I got around to doing this, and re-read them for the first time since I transcribed and digitized the original written texts when I retired fifteen years ago. They were written to read aloud and entertain the girls before they settled down to sleep. When I read sections aloud to Clare I could hear my voice again as the young story telling dad I was fifty years ago. I was quite touched by this reminder of who I once was. So much to give thanks for at the end of a difficult day. And now bed.

Coffee, coffee, coffee!

Cold and cloudy today. Early bed at half past nine last night despite the usual broken sleep, improved the way I felt on waking up. After taking the blood pressure pill I felt light headed and slow thinking until I went for a walk and had lunch. That 'toxic head' feeling wasn't as intense as it used to be. I'll try whatever change of routine makes a consistent difference. Only taking a statin every other day seems to spare me the worst of the awful sensation I've been living with since the stroke. Tomorrow morning I return to St David's hospital for a second fasting blood cholesterol test.

Radio Four's 'In our time' programme this morning was all about the element silicon, its importance in the making of the universe, its physics and chemistry and its use in semiconductors and electronics. It took me back to my time as a chemistry student sixty years ago, when fresh discoveries about silicon compounds and how to synthesise them were being made. This was just before the revolutionary innovation of silicon based products began to be commercialised. It was an exciting time to be in a scientific environment. The inquisitive and imaginative nature of scientific enterprise attracted me. I'm not sure that I would have become sufficiently disciplined and competent enough as a practitioner to make a worthwhile contribution to science, however. I was more interested in people, how they think, what they think and believe, always interested in the bigger picture, and how everything works together for good.

Clare soaked and cooked a batch of beans to make a curry with some of them for lunch. They are soft enough to use for making our own hummus as well. I fell asleep in my armchair for an hour afterwards. I didn't realise I was that tired since I slept fairly well last night, but I felt better as a result.

I walked around Thompson's Park for an hour. The old park keeper's hut, converted into the 'Lufkin' coffee kiosk seven years ago, closed last year. It's being given a makeover and is about to re-open, re-branded as 'Ground' the sixth in a small chain of local coffee and pastry shops around Cardiff and Penarth. 

Another coffee shop, one of a chain of twelve under the 'Coffi Lab' brand, has just opened opposite the Half Way pub, competing with Coffee #1 further down the street, plus 'Cafe Castan' and 'Square and Fair' in Llandaff Fields. That's a remarkable number of coffee shops within five minutes walk of each other, with two of them pitched at dog walkers. 

It will be interesting to see how long they last, given the rising price of coffee beans due to the effect of climate change, plus energy costs due to economic fall-out from war in the Middle East. Fashionable matt black is the paint colour used in the latest of these renovated retail outlets. I wonder how comfortable it will prove to be sitting indoors if we have summers of extreme heat? Pontcanna has been featured in recent news items as a top ranking trendy lifestyle residential area. I wonder how that affects local house prices?

Trump's threat to destroy Iran's energy infrastructure is meant to put pressure on negotiations to end the war. Pakistan is acting as a go-between. As a sign of good faith, Iran has let ten oil tankers pass through the Straight of Hormuz. Meanwhile, The United Arab Emirates have been attacked by Iran while Hezbollah continues to attack Israel with missiles. Russia is supplying drones to Iran in the background. No matter how successful Israel and America are at destroying Iranian weapons production and stocks, this is bound to prolong Iranian retaliation and resistance. The Iranian regime although hit hard has not collapsed. Its assassinated leaders have been replaced by other hard-liners determined to maintain the oppressive status quo. Coercion and violence have produced much suffering and death, but succeeded only in prolonging conflict and a descent into global economic recession.

I found a new Italian crimmie to watch from 'Walter Presents' called 'Blanca'. It's about a young blind woman who becomes an intern at police headquarters. She has a highly developed sense of hearing from her job transcribing courtroom audio, and puts it to use in an investigative team. A clever idea showcasing  blind people's potential to be active participants in team work. The accents caught my attention. I guessed Northern Italy correctly, as the  setting of the drama was the port city of Genoa, with obligatory mention of pesto!  Listening to it through headphones was a really good thing, as the well crafted stereo sound track made the experience of the blind protagonist come alive.

Lady Day

I woke up to a bright sunny day with a cold strong wind, feeling quite clear headed, after a good night's sleep, benefiting from getting to bed earlier. Can I turn this into a regular habit? I posted today's YouTube Morning Prayer link to WhatsApp as Giles Frazer spoke about the Divine Feminine and the inauguration of the first female Archbishop of Canterbury on 'Thought for the Day'. It's highly appropriate that it's the Feast of the Annunciation to Our Lady

In Middle East news, Iran is now allowing non-hostile shipping through the Straight of Hormuz, while retaliating against Israel as it invades Lebanon to deal with Iran's ally Hezbollah. Trump alleges that negotiations between allies and Iran are going on in the background. This is not reflected in what Iranian spokesmen are saying. Despite American threats and attacks, Iran's response is causing physical and economic damage to Saudi Arabia and the Gulf States and the Straight of Hormuz is under Iran's control. Will Arab states move from their current defensive posture to the risk of an attack that could make things worse in the long as well as short term?

By the time I went to St Catherine's to join six others for the Eucharist, the meds were causing me to feel light headed and slow as if I was in the process of waking up from deep sleep, though the usual sensation of toxicity was absent. After coffee and chat, I called at Jason's greengrocer's shop to buy some veggies on my way home. Clare cooked prawns with reheated left-over rice and spuds for lunch then I walked briskly to Parkwood clinic for an acupuncture session with Peter. I told him about my debriefing with the Stroke Association worker yesterday, and he echoed the opinion that I'm making good progress in recovery. Also  learning new lessons about myself. I walked home, as I generally do from a treatment, with a spring in my step, feeling fully awake again, despite the meds.

When I got home from church, a covid jab notification letter was waiting for me. It's the same date as my next cardio consultant appointment, in a different location and almost at the same time. It seems the various medical services offered don't use an integrated patient centred appointment diary. I had to call and rearrange the date. I was eighteenth in the phone queue, and twenty minutes waiting. The NHS app has a note of appointments pending. I wondered how it would handle the diary clash. Each department is something of an administrative 'silo' it seems to me, so maybe there's no  data handling measure that can flag up anomalies of this kind.

I went out for another walk at tea time, having noticed the rapid change in trees everywhere. The cherry blossom in trees along Penhill Road bordering Llandaff Fields has emerged spectacularly. Likewise the tall silver birch at the entrance to Meadow Street, whose leaf canopy appeared from nowhere in just a few days. A strong cold north wind takes the pleasure out of being outdoors on a Spring evening however. Early to bed again tonight.

Messages about messages

Cloudy and damp today. I slept quite well and remained clear headed after waking up and taking my pills with breakfast. My Fitbit sleep tracker reports that I sleep better with fewer interruptions in the first half of the night. Wakefulness in the second half is due to medication induced churning bowels and trapped wind. Winding down and going to bed earlier seems to be worth the effort.

I had a notification from the NHS app when I switched on my phone. On logging in, another notification stated that I would expect to receive a letter by mail from the GP surgery. It was unclear what this is about. A waiting list was mentioned at the top of the notification, but which waiting list? For what purpose?  This assumes I know I'm on a waiting list but doesn't take into account the fact that I may be on several waiting lists for different things at the same time. No matter how smart the communications technology may be, if the message conveyed leaves you guessing it's useless. Another instance of 'Garbage in, garbage out'.

Clare went to her study group in Penarth this morning and I cooked sausages and veg for lunch. She went out again by taxi straight after we'd eaten for a clinic appointment at Llandough. I stayed in to welcome the meditation group she belongs to, meeting chez nous today, double booked accidentally. There were just three of us, sitting in silence together for half an hour with the words 'love wins'. I sat with my eyes open, gaze directed without inquiring or reflecting towards a leather pouffe opposite my armchair, trying to be consciously present in the moment without turning in on myself or dozing off. No insight, no feelings. Few prayerful words. No discussion afterwards. No pasa nada.

After the session I walked in Llandaff Fields for three quarters of an hour. A cold strong blustery wind tried to blow me over. In the last stretch a heavy shower soaked my hat and top jacket, so I didn't go as far as I wanted to and reached home feeling annoyed.

Rachel rang up at supper time. She told us that Jasmine is in Copenhagen, but unfortunately she's unwell, probably 'flu. I hope it's not serious as she's a long way from family support. 

After supper, I completed writing a Reflection on the Morning Prayer passage from Colossians due to be read in a couple of weeks time, then I made an effort to get to bed even earlier, to see if it makes any difference.