Trinity Sunday Baptisms

Bed at eleven up at eight thirty, but nearly three hours of intermittent wakefulness. As Owain is with us I have the opportunity of help to fill in my tax return, provided I can find my P60 income statements. My study is not quite chaotic, but in the throes of being organised. I've simply not felt well enough to harness the mental effort to do it, and get anxious about losing control of my affairs. I think it's part of the reason for losing sleep. I walked briskly to St Catherine's for the Eucharist in an effort to wake myself up. Clare stayed behind with Owain. There was a double baptism during the service this morning, a baby and a child of Junior School age. Quite suitable for a Trinity Sunday. There were only about forty of us, including the baptism family. It's half term week and many families with children are away.

After the service I went to Tesco's to buy some breakfast porridge oats as we ran out yesterday. Clare and Owain had already eaten a snack as they were about to go to St David's Spa for a swim, but left cooked veg and tuna fish for me. After I'd eaten I focused my attention on retrieving and checking the necessary documents for compiling an income statement for the tax man. 

At midday I had a SMS reminder about the blood pressure monitor fitting appointment on Tuesday next. I'm feeling unhappy about this. I found the experience stressful previously, and now even more so, as the sound and sensation of the device working brings back memories of trauma in A&E. I wonder if I should discuss this with one of our GPs?

My aim was to obtain Owain's support to check and file the tax account. With a list of previous income entries for guidance it wasn't difficult, with the exception of finding P60 pension documents from two small CofE diocesan supplementary pension schemes from Bristol and Worcester dioceses where I worked in the eighties. The most recent pair of these had not yet sent their P60, but I was able to track payments from bank statements. 

Owain investigated and found that the management of these funds had been taken over by another company. It may be that the P60s will arrive late due to the takeover, rather than me losing them. I can check another time. At least I had what I needed for my income statement, so that's one less worry. There's no hurry, so I may just wait until the next time Owain comes so he can supervise my filling in the on-line form. This is the measure of how much confidence I've lost about doing financial affairs online, something I used to take in my stride. At five he took his leave of us, and returned to Bristol. It was so good to have his company over the weekend.

Clare made a vegetable soup for supper, with the addition of some leftover pieces of ravioli. An interesting confection. Then I went out for a walk up and down Llandaff Fields as the sun was setting, which cleared my head at last. I heard the Green Woodpecker's eerie call as I turned for home. One of the neighbourhood resident blackbirds sang at dusk, as they do also at first light. Such a calming sound at bed time.

A Blue Moon wish

Another glorious blue sky sunny day to wake up to, comfortably warm to start with, but the temperature rising to 25C during the morning, cloudy and a cooling wind in the afternoon. My shoulder is less painful today but I could have done with more sleep after half a dozen awakenings in the night. Despite this, my head was clearer when I got up, clearer than yesterday. I can't figure out what makes the difference between a bad start to the day and a good one.

Clare cooked crispy buckwheat pancakes for breakfast, then went food shopping. I exchanged messages with Sara about recovering from joint and muscle damage, reflecting on how much learning Chi Gung has helped me to maintain strength and balance since the stroke, and prevent my strained shoulder from seizing up - so far so good anyway.

After lunch I walked for nearly two hours in Llandaff and Pontcanna Fields. On my way back I met Owain carrying a bunch of flowers for his Mam, and a big pork sausage bap for me, bless him! He's in good spirits, relaxed thanks to the benefit of his recent short holiday in Lisbon. We agreed on getting a takeaway supper - just salad for me. Eating less in the evening will, I hope, enable me to have a less disturbed night's sleep.

Owain and I went for a sunset walk in Llandaff Fields. The clouds were beautifully lit in orange and pink hues. Sadly it means there's little hope of seeing the rising of the Blue Moon, the second full moon of this month. If only America and Iran, Israel and Lebanon could agree to permanent cease fire terms. That really would be a historic  'once in a blue moon' occasion.

Peace talks between America and Iran are still stalled. While there is some traffic through the Straight of Hormuz, the blockade of Iranian ports continues, and Iran is not yielding to pressure. A key issue is Iran's stocks of enriched uranium which can be used for peaceful energy production or nuclear weapons. America insists these stocks must be destroyed. It's stupid rhetoric. Radio active substances can be diluted and dispersed for secure containment in other countries willing to accept them, but not destroyed.

Neither side trusts the other and Trump is determined to force the issue one way or another. The Americans keep on saying there is progress on cease-fire talks, but nothing seems to be happening. The price of oil stays high and fluctuates every time there is a new pronouncement from Washington or Tehran. Every variation is a money making opportunity for the global energy market. Cynical commentators say it's a new version of 'insider trading'.

Whatever peace talks are going on in Lebanon, Israel continues to treat the whole country as a battlefield in its war against Hezbollah. Over three thousand have been killed and a million displaced. In Gaza over two hundred have been killed since the ceasefire and forcible displacement of the Palestinian population from their land already in ruins from war against Hamas. The Israeli government's violent ethnic cleansing policy and subjugation of Palestinian people is a moral outrage. It will do nothing to secure a peaceful future for the region, apart from adding to the reservoir of violent hatred between Israelis and Arabs. With America doing little to restrain the Israeli government, this could lead to violent revenge attacks in the United States. The belief that 'might is right' is a form of idolatry, the ideology of fools.

Musical nostalgia

I woke up at eight to the noise of hammering and drilling from loft conversion work next door but one, but dozed for another hour. One way or another, I had a good night's sleep. I felt slightly queasy rather than light headed after getting up and having breakfast. Although I didn't feel tired my head felt congested though not aching, an odd sensation. Clare and I had hairdo appointments with Chris at lunchtime. I decided to give mine a miss and not take the risk of feeling worse when I'm out and about. In the past, queasiness has been a side effect of what medications do to my stomach especially slow release capsules. Eating live kefir yoghurt generally relieves the symptoms, and is included in our regular diet, though not over the past few days, so I went out and bought some, and it had the desired result. It's disturbing to think that medications are intended to prevent strokes or heart attack undermine the healthy functioning of the digestive tract. 

While I was out shopping I bought a pack of chicken legs to cook in a casserole. In the fridge I found some uncooked new potatoes left from a change in menu yesterday, and roasted them in oil on the lid of the casserole turned up side down - a convenient way to benefit from the oven heat. I don't know why I didn't think of this before.

Kath and Anto reported with pleasure on Rhiannon's successful end of year Fashion Design show and sent us a video clip of her posing with her exhibits, a huge smile and delight shining in her eyes. She's doing well and obviously loving the course.

I recorded and edited the audio for next Wednesday's Morning Prayer after lunch, then walked in Llandaff Fields for an hour and a quarter. After supper I made the slide show video to go with Morning Prayer and uploaded it to YouTube. Then we watched Paul McCartney being interviewed in a Radio 2 special called 'Tracks of my years' reflecting on ten records which embody the influences and inspirations of his musical life story. An hour of pure nostalgia, starting from 1956, the year I started Grammar School, and first heard Elvis and the Beatles songs on the radio, or on family record players. Happy days indeed, filled with memories of a world so different in many ways from nowadays.

Beware digital tyranny

Despite the heat I had a good night's sleep, though it left me feeling light headed after taking my meds for the day. High cloud and cooling wind from the west limited the afternoon air temperature to 24C, which is hot enough.

After breakfast, I worked on a biblical reflection on Luke's story of the giving of the Lord's Prayer. Clare called me from town to ask if I would prepare lunch, which I did at short notice, so it was ready by the time she got home. I met Rufus at Cafe Castan for coffee and chat after lunch. He's very busy in his work with Missions to Seafarers, involving a lot of travel and organising volunteers. 

Sadly the response to his ministry from the Church in Wales leaves much to be desired - an institution in survival mode tending to turn in on itself, away from the concerns of the wider world. I get the impression that morale is low among clergy approaching retirement age, drained by decades of struggle against slow  decline. We're among the number of faithful who have come to feel like strangers in the household of God, as it manages its own demise. 

The demise of physical parking permits and imposition of digital parking permits in our car crowded area is leading to many complaints on our neighbourhood WhatsApp group. The system is comple. The permit managing app is giving users grief. Civil Parking Enforcement officers are having a field day issuing fines to parked cars, some of which may have tried to use the app and failed, or entered details incorrectly.  It is possible to pay using one's mobile phone SMS, and by calling a live operator, but the volume of demand for this large enough to jam the system. 

Clare wants to pay for a permit for one user, but it's far from clear how this is meant to work when a house has no set parking space, only a designated zone in which there may not be an available space anyway.. In order to obtain a digital permit, Clare needed our Council Tax reference number. It's in a document in a physical file cabinet that's so old it's falling apart. Once every file was properly labelled, but over the years many of there have detached themselves. Taking out folders from a ground level cabinet in a poorly lit corner of my decrepit pre-digital office to examine them isn't easy. It's precarious. Bending over threatens to provoke a nose bleed. 

I already had a nose bleed earlier today sitting quietly, trying to figure out how to respond to an NHS appointment SMS with a distinctly ambiguous labelled response button, as the respond by date was yesterday. I was about to go to the GP surgery and ask them to decode this for me when Jorja arrived for her house cleaning session. She dialled the mobile number from which the SMS was sent, something I had assumed wouldn't ring out as such automated messages can come from a server that blocks return calls in favour of messages from the auto response button. Jorja called the mobile number anyway and got to speak to a real human being, and identified me as the recipient of the SMS. It turned out there was a date error in the message I was sent. The impact of over-reliance on 'smart' digital forms of administration and management is generating more chaos than order, as we are seeing with the EU's electronic passport gate network. Clever people are making stupid and costly strategic decisions because they don't consider the human element and regard people as immutable cogs in a machine.

In November the spacecraft Voyager 1 passes a distance equivalent to one day's travel at the speed of light. A story about human teamwork is being told which celebrates the truth that human beings at their best are anything but immutable cogs. 

'A spacecraft built by people, many of whom are no longer alive, was rescued by people who had retired — called back specifically because the knowledge of how Voyager works had become rare enough to be precious. The fix required no new hardware, no rocket, no rescue mission. It required old engineers, deep institutional memory, two days of patience, and an extraordinarily careful understanding of a computer designed before most of the modern world existed. Voyager 1 is now so far away that its signal, travelling at the speed of light, takes most of a day to reach us. In November 2026 it will cross a strange threshold — it will be a full light-day from Earth.'

In the past thirty years, communication technologies and social networks have brought about huge upheavals in culture and relationships influencing values and social priorities. Whether something is popular rather than just, true or correct is unduly influencing moral thinking, or perhaps just distracting attention from the pursuit of truth. Making sense of this from a disciplined Christian perspective and challenging where necessary is vitally important. Especially given the rise and rise of AI. 

Pope Leo has been outspokenly critical in his first encyclical 'Magnifica Humanitas' published this week. An important contribution about human value and the dignity of God's children in an era when computer algorithms are so powerful they threaten to eclipse real human intelligence. To trust and rely on such digital devices of our own making to reason for us, is to my mind, nothing but idolatry.

After Rufus and I parted company I walked home, had a drink, then went out again and walked for an hour before supper. As the sun reached the horizon, I went out again for a breath of fresh air in the cool evening breeze before bed.

Mona's thoughts on the Haj

A hot and sweaty night, though I managed to sleep fairly well, but didn't feel as if I'd slept enough, and felt physically tired. It wasn't brain fatigue, my head was clear enough, if a little slow thinking at first. A cooling wind from the west brought the temperature down below 30C today. Meadow Street was noisy again when I got up with the sound of scaffolding being erected and the workers' loud conversation. A loft conversion is under way a few doors down from us. 

I posted the YouTube Morning Prayer link to WhatsApp just after 'Thought for the Day' Mona Siddiqui reflected on the significance of the annual Haj pilgrimage to Mecca which started last Sunday night. Saudi Arabia has been under attack in recent months from Iranian allies like other America supporting Gulf States. She remarked on the presence of anti-missile defence batteries around the holy city protecting the 1.5 million pilgrims arriving in even greater numbers this year despite Trump's war. She interpreted this as expressing the people's faith in God defying their own fear, and refusing to let themselves be defined by uncontrollable chaos and anxiety unleashed by regional conflict.

Despite getting up in good time, I arrived five minutes late at the St Catherine's Eucharist, detained at home by my irritable bowel which runs on a timetable of its own. There were ten of us this morning, including Pam who's been housebound for months. It was good to see her looking well, and happy to be among friends again. I settled accounts with Ann for our Tenby stay and she brought me home in her car to collect the key to their Sandy Reach apartment.

I prepared the veg to cook for lunch, and Clare cooked ravioli stuffed with ricotta and chicken or spinach, bathed in our best olive oil. It was a pleasant change, and good to find that a pasta enriched with egg and a cheesy filling didn't give me indigestion. Then, a stimulating acupuncture session with Peter, one which literally made my feet tingle. Despite the stress and sleep losses of the past couple of weeks my body has responded well to the ups and downs of changing routine. I won't need a session so often from now on.

Clare also had a session with Peter this afternoon as well, but got muddled about her destination and went first in the opposite direction to the clinic where we have osteo massage treatment with Clive. Fortunately Peter didn't have another client at that time and all ended well. 

I had a rest when I got home, though I didn't sleep, and went out for a walk before supper. Banners for an orienteering event had been planted in Llandaff Field, marking the start and finish points for the day's course. It made me think of Sara and Gunnar as they are keen on orienteering in the countryside outside of Gothenburg. I took a photo and sent it to her.

Having completed my daily mileage quota, I started getting ready for bed before sunset, hoping for extra rest. Sometimes I feel as if I'm wearing myself out, as I rarely feel fully recovered after a night of broken sleep.

Stalemate

Another 30+C clear blue sky day of sunshine. It stayed warm overnight with the usual sleep interruptions from my bladder and painful shoulder. Rubbing the joint with Voltarol when the discomfort woke me up in  the night, made a difference however, but robbed me of an hour's sleep. The house next door but one is having work done on its roof. A work gang started before eight this morning. Scaffolding poles banging against the terrace walls with a thump woke me up, together with the loud non-stop talking of the gang leader, continuing all morning. If this was Switzerland a policeman would have been summoned to tell the gang to work without disturbing the domestic peace.

Only Fran came to study with Clare after breakfast. I confined myself to the front room and fell asleep for an hour and a half after saying Morning Prayer. I started to wake up after Fran left. Thankfully for a change, I escaped the effect of sleep loss. Clare cooked mackerel for lunch, with red cabbage and brown rice, followed by raspberries with ice cream and chocolate sauce to follow. We ate in the garden, and when the breeze died down it felt really hot under the sunshade, the kind of heat I associate with Spain.

After lunch, a walk to the shops on Cowbridge Road East with a stop to collect prescription items from the pharmacy in King's Road before buying a few more items I needed. I still can't find a suitable antiseptic liquid to replace TCP since the supply chain broke down. I meant to ask in Boots this afternoon but there was a queue to be served so long it snaked around the store. I'll try again another day. Walking the streets with the sun still casting short shadows was a bit like going near a furnace on times. Rather than extend my walk into the park, I returned home straightaway, to shelter in the relative coolness of the house. After supper, I went out and walked for an hour to complete the rest of my daily distance before settling down for the night. The sunset was spectacular, made special by the sound of the Cathedral bell ringing practice in the distance. It was over 32C in Bute Park this afternoon, a record breaking high temperature for May,  Europe is heating up faster than anticipated, an indication of things to come.

Despite peace talks during a cease fire between Iran and America fighting over access to the Straight of Hormuz and to Iranian ports continues, very little oil traffic gets through and the economic fall out grows and gets more serious in its effect. Trump's team makes optimistic noises about imminent progress, but in effect there has been no change. It seems the Americans are trying to talk their way out of a stalemate in an attempt to quell the rising price of oil. Israel keeps punishing Lebanon in its war against Hezbollah, with cease fire talks supposed to continue in the background. Iran threatens to extend the war beyond the region's borders if American and Israeli aggression continues. It has shown its military effectiveness with missile and drone attacks across the Middle East, and has Russia's discreet background support. 

The US  mid-term elections in November will no doubt reflect dissatisfaction over the war and the economy under Trump, and may well shift the balance of support away from him and his costly Middle Eastern interventions. How this war may actually be brought to an end in such circumstances is unpredictable. Chaos has spread throughout the region, with Iran's allies, for reasons of survival or taking revenge against US backed Gulf States, no longer fully under control of the leadership in Tehran. Gulf States which have benefited from their relationship with America in the past are seeing their economies and infrastructure damaged. How will this influence their partnership with and reliance on the United States in future? Whatever happens in the mid-term elections, future relationships seem unpredictable.

As hot as Spain

A comfortably warm night, a consolation as a painful shoulder added to my wakefulness. It's hotter than Málaga here today - 30C, as opposed to 23C on the Costa del Sol. I had a lazy morning indoors out of the sun. It wakes me time to acclimatize, and as medications dehydrate me, extra care drinking enough water is vital. The heat is going to persist for a while, the media already talks of a heat wave and record breaking high temperatures.

I read an article about saving wear and tear on a digital hard drive by disabling its 'fast boot' setting, Both my Windows 11 devices have digital hard drives and were several years old when I bought them. Length of life with a used device is uncertain, so better safe than sorry. It took a while to find the relevant means to disable the setting - it's not as if I need to boot up extra quickly, when my uses for a Windows 11 device are limited. If I want speed, I have the convenience of a Chromebook as a writing and editing tool, and can live with its limitations. Sound and video editing are what I use Windows for. With practice I could do the same on a Linux device, but learning how to achieve this habitually at speed would be an effort when my brain is sluggish and dull for lack of sleep. Remembering how to find and use the legacy Windows Control Panel to disable 'fast boot' was a slow exercise. As I don't use my Honor laptop often, undates were needed which took a couple of hours to download and install. 

Meanwhile Clare baked sausages and potatoes, and cooked green and red cabbage for lunch in the garden under the shade of our umbrella sunshade. A family of sparrows in the vegetation on top of the garden wall accompanied us with their chirruping while we ate. After a siesta in my armchair, I walked for an hour in Llandaff Fields. The afternoon sun was very strong and I navigated a course from one patch of tree shade to another to avoid sunburn. There was a cooling breeze from the west, but the wind was pleasantly warm, a change from how it has been for months.

I went out again after supper as the temperature began to drop, this time for a circuit of Thompson's Park. I saw one moorhen on its nest, but instead of the other parent at the water's edge there was a juvenile bird which had shed its hatchling down and was growing its flight feathers. It probably hatched while we were in Tenby. I wonder if there's a second clutch of eggs under the bird on the nest? Time will tell.

I completed by daily distance returning home, and started getting ready for bed.  I rubbed Voltarol into my shoulder when I got up this morning and it hasn't been painful during the day. Hopefully I can make up for last night's broken sleep. It left me feeling light headed and a bit unsteady for most of the day.

Quiet Pentecost

I got to bed by ten thirty but had an uncomfortable night's sleep, due to shoulder pain. When I eventually woke up it was ten o'clock. A day of clear sky and bright sunshine, 25C. I slept better than I felt I would, given the pain. I had to rush to get myself to St Catherine's by ten forty five and arrived during the first hymn. As it's a Bank Holiday weekend, parents with children were absent. There were about thirty present, half the number, our faithful choir. 

We had lunch in the garden under our big umbrella sunshade, eating the chick pea and veg I prepared for yesterday's lunch, to which Clare added a dash of curry spice. After lunch, Pete called in bearing a copy of Diana's latest novel, just published. What a lovely surprise!

A lovely afternoon for a walk along the edge of Pontcanna Fields along the so-called Spine Road. It's lined with tall trees in full leaf. It looks magnificent and provides ample shade for humans and cover for robins, wrens, thrushes, blackbirds, collared doves and starlings to sing their hearts out against a background of children's excited shrieks as they chase each other around playing football. The aroma of meat roasting on picnic barbecues pervades the air. It's lovely to see so many people enjoying the park.

A quiet evening after supper, catching up on news until the light began to fade. Cue for an early bed time, in the hope of another restful night and minimal sleep disturbance. Life is so much less stressful when I'm not overtired.

Surprise turn

The weather gradually gets warmer each day, under a thin layer of high cloud, but it's cooler at night. The house stays relatively cool as the building itself takes a long time to warm up and stay warm. I notice this as I'm more sensitive to cold than I used to be, and need to wear extra layers until it becomes really hot. I remember my mother quoting the proverb "Never cast a clout until May is out." or was it 'the May is out' meaning May blossom, which already appeared before the end of April. We're already in the last week of May and it's possible to go out with no top coat at last, even if there's a wind. I notice other walkers more thinly clad than me. I don't generate as much heat walking slower and aim to stay comfortably warm in whatever way I can. 

Although I had a fair night's sleep, I wasn't comfortable, losing three hours to bladder interruptions, and I'm not fully awake until well after breakfast - Saturday pancakes this morning followed by doing nothing until it was time for lunch. Clare went out shopping, leaving a bag of frozen chick peas to thaw. I assumed this was intended for lunch and got busy with making a veggie sauce to cook them in. I didn't notice the   message  arriving to say she was bringing home fish and chips for lunch. Ooops! My savoury dish will have to wait until tomorrow, or go in the freezer.

After we'd eaten I walked in Llandaff Fields, and my head began to clear of sleepiness that slowed down my brain and reactions. As I walked back along Penhill Road, a man wearing a rucksack reversed out of his front gate on my left hand side without looking, hauling a push chair behind him right into my path  when I was just two paces behind him. Not only did I see him, but responded quickly enough to swerve and avoid a collision. He appeared in the corner of my left eye where my field of vision was impaired by the stroke. The sun was bright, he was partly in shadow. My physical reaction didn't lag behind my perception of a possible collision and I wasn't thrown off balance. 

This unexpected gift astonished me. There have been other moments too lately. Occasionally in this spell of bright sunshine, I started to experience  faint sparkles of coloured light in the left hand corner of my field of vision, the area which was darkened enough in the early months of recovery for me not to notice things on the upper and lower periphery of my vision. It led to collisions or near misses with overhanging foliage, rubbish bins and a protruding gate parapet, but it has slowly improved with the passage of time. The neuro-plasticity of the brain as it's called means repair happens with suitable stimulus. Something special to thank God for this afternoon.

I went out again and walked around Thompson's Park to complete my daily distance. The moorhen pair are taking turns to sit on their nest in the pond. I watched them change shifts. I don't think their eggs are  hatched yet. 

Owain returned from his excursion to Lisbon and sent us photos. Then after supper, he video called and told us all about it. He was impressed by the low cost public transport system, metro, trams, cheap taxis and buses. The city  is apparently very hilly. No wonder he sounded tired after his trip. It reminded me to take myself to bed earlier.

Google imposes unwanted upgrade

My right shoulder is weak from ski injuries thirty years ago and I strained my right shoulder carrying travel cases on our Tenby trip. Lying in bed on my back last night was painful. Propping myself up to get out of bed for a pee several times made it worse. I tried swapping direction - head to toe - so that I could prop myself up with my left arm instead and that helped, but I still lost four hour's sleep after ten in bed, and thankfully didn't feel worse for wear after taking my meds, just tired, as if I was on a long haul flight. A message from Ann said that her phone charger had arrived in today's mail. Next day delivery from West to East with first class post is still possible it seems.

I recorded and edited next Wednesday's Morning Prayer and Reflection before lunch, then slept for a while before an hour's afternoon walk in Llandaff Fields. I walked again for half an hour after supper. When my legs and brain are tired, I try not to push myself too hard or in too sustained a way. 

When I checked my fitbit phone app for the first time today, I was shocked to find it had been supplanted by the Google Health app. There was a warning notification a few days ago that this would happen, and it didn't say the user had no choice about this. The fancy user interface is not as simple, and it takes time to find your way around. I noticed that the phone app showed an estimate of an hour and three quarters more sleep than the Fitbit's smart watch dial. How long I wonder, before Google ends support for the device and effectively turns it into another piece of electronic waste?

Rachel called us from an airport departure lounge in Las Vegas early in her morning, waiting for a flight to Sacramento in California to spend some time relaxing and making music with a percussionist friend. She used her accumulated Air Miles to cover the cost of an internal flight. It's amazing when you think about it, and useful in a time when Trump's war  with Iran has pushed up prices, and brought the western world to the brink of aviation fuel shortages.

 

A new use for sand

In addition to the usual broken sleep I had a nose bleed when I got up in the night. Fortunately it didn't last long. Will I ever be able to shake off this wretched tiredness? All I can do is rest, relax and try to recover.  Ann took her leave of us at midday and went to the station by taxi. I found her phone charger, left behind in a bedroom socket when rearranging the room. Clare found a suitable mailing envelope and I went to the Post Office and sent it off to Ann after lunch. 

The sky is blue with scattered clouds today, and it's eighteen degrees. Being used to unpredictable weather, I went out to the Post Office wearing a rain jacket I didn't need, and felt the heat. I didn't drink enough when I got up this morning, which added to my feeling poorly with slow reactions. I made up for it when I got back home however, and slowly improved.

I had an exchange of messages with Owain, who's currently on holiday in Lisbon, networking with techno buddies he's met on-line. He's having a good time, and I look forward to hearing about it when he returns.

After a lunch of prawns with mushrooms, onion, and cabbage, I responded to an invitation to attend Ty Mawr's annual meeting of Associates explaining that since my stroke traveling to the convent isn't possible for me any longer, and large social events with a group of friends and strangers are too much stimulus for me to cope with at present. I have to be honest about my limitations. Our Tenby holiday was far too tiring for me, and will take me a week to recover from. it's a real shame, as the speaker is Canon Ali Grey, a Associate priest and psychiatrist whose subject is 'Eco-anxiety: A Christian response to the impact of the climate crisis .... If you are not disturbed by this, then you are not paying attention.' Intriguing.

Although the Americans express optimism about peace talks with Iran, despite the unstable cease-fire, deadlock in the conflict continues. Trump's coercive rhetoric and unpredictable behaviour have yielded no progress. Israel continues its war against Hezbollah in which over 3,000 have been killed in Lebanon, despite on-going peace talks between Lebanon and Israel. Meanwhile, the Saudis are working on an oil pipeline that will circumvent the Straight of Hormuz. The sale of solar panels to plug the energy gap will be hugely beneficial to China. While these are work-around solutions to this crisis, this could well end up changing the economics of energy production in the Middle East. Saudi Arabia's oil wealth enables it to invest in alternatives to fossil fuels and innovate. The Finns have developed 'sand batteries', to store heat energy from electricity generated by wind or wave power. This can be converted back into electricity by means of steam turbine electricity generators. Saudi Arabia is not exactly short of this raw material!

I walked in Llandaff Fields until supper time. I sat on a park bench in the sunshine and nearly dozed off. I hope I sleep better tonight.

Sleep starved

I had the usual broken night's sleep and woke up at first light as the Velux blind wasn't completely closed. My strained right shoulder was painful and it wasn't easy to manoeuvre in and out of bed to empty my bladder. Thankfully the bed is comfortable so I slept fairly well despite the disturbances. At eight thirty I posted today's YouTube Morning Prayer link to What'sApp then got up for breakfast. I was up before the others, having a lie-in after yesterday's journey, then went to the Eucharist at St Catherine's. There were six of us this morning, with several regulars away. I felt tired and stressed out when I got to church, but much calmer afterwards.

Clare and Ann went off to the National Museum to view the exhibition of Gwen John's paintings and had lunch there, leaving me to cook Tagliatelli with a tuna sugo for myself. I started preparing Wednesday Morning Prayer in the Octave of Pentecost, and a reflection on the Gospel about the child with an unclean spirit, who has a tantrum and shocks onlookers with his foul mouthed rant. Jesus rebukes the spirit. Earlier Jesus is reported as rebuking a storm - the word means to sharply criticize someone, or express strong disapproval, which seems rather odd when addressed to a force of nature. Rebuking a spirit is not exactly a telling off for the person, but rather the negative energy their behaviour conveys - chaotic energy in other words. God's Word orders the primordial chaos at the beginning of creation. You could say it 'rebukes' the chaos. This rather figurative use of language reminds the reader or listener of who is being revealed by the works and words of Jesus. A kid in a tantrum spoken to in a quiet sympathetic way can have calm restored in the midst of emotional turmoil.

After reflecting on this and writing about it, I went for a slow walk in Llandaff Fields though I felt very tired. I needed the fresh air and the birdsong to lift my spirits. Clare ordered a take away from Stefano's for supper. After my large pasta lunch, I didn't feel like eating much more today. I slept for an hour while they ate their meal, which finally cleared my head. Then I got up and just ate fruit with yoghourt. A light meal before returning to sleep once more. One way or another I'll get the rest I need.

False Alarm

Another night of broken sleep, and not enough of it, but at least the couch was more comfortable. After breakfast we packed our bags and stripped the beds. We were more or less ready to leave by nine thirty when there was a fire alarm test, like one we had last week, only this time the alarm didn't stop, and it was painfully loud. Fortunately we could remove our belongings from the apartment and leave as intended for the walk to the station. I had to walk around as much as possible with fingers in both ears, as the alarm was located in the corridor a metre above us and I didn't want to rupture an ear drum. Another loud alarm was ringing outside as well. Apartment residents gathered in the courtyard and waited. There was no sign of fire in the property. We had to leave and there was no indication that there would be any head count, but I rang Ann and left her a message to tell her what happened in case she had a call from someone asking for an account of the occupants of each apartment. After ten minute or so, a fire engine arrived, and we were told, as we were leaving that it had been a 'false alarm', presumably a fault in the alarm network revealed something wasn't working as intended.

Clare called for a taxi but found that none were available, so we walked to Tenby station - downhill most of the way thankfully. We had to walk over a footbridge to reach the eastbound platform, not easy with a heavy suitcase, then waited half an hour for a train. The weather was good and the view of the coast was equally lovely on the return trip. We had a picnic lunch and I was able to relax and unwind. Throughout the return journey I noticed many lighter shades of green in the variations of passing landscape. What a joy to behold!

After my conversation yesterday with Ann about connection timing, I timed the walk from getting off the train on platform zero to the ticket barrier accessing platform 1. Five minutes with a crowd of passengers, all needing to use the same lift. I'm sure there used to be stairs here. According to Google Maps this transit takes one minute. From ticket gate to platform 1, add another 2-3 minutes. Heaven help anyone with mobility issues or a pushchair for kiddies to manage. I must report this, as it seriously affects people expecting to use an eastbound fast connecting train. We took a taxi home and arrived at three.

Before unpacking, I went to the GP surgery to deliver A&E discharge documents ordering a blood test. Coincidentally a GP letter arrived in the morning mail asking me to book an appointment for a a blood test and blood pressure test. There was also a follow up letter about an appointment to fit me with a blood pressure measuring device for a week in the same batch of mail. I anticipate the outcome will be that I'll be prescribed another blood pressure reducing medication, adding to the misery I experienced previously. What I would most benefit from most would be a quieter less stressful life with fewer disruptions and distractions with more time to sort out my life. The past couple of weeks have exhausted me.

After a supper of savoury rice with salmon, I walked for half an hour in Llandaff Fields. The trees' leaf canopy is noticeably denser after two weeks away. Little light gets through the branches, and the trees appear a darker green. 

Breaking routine and getting to bed in the attic required a bit more organising than usual. Although we all retired at ten, I gave way to the others and was last. It took me an hour to organise myself, as I'd not yet unpacked my case. I hope I can settle in an unfamiliar room which I've not slept in since before the stroke.

Desperate for more sleep

Another bad night's sleep on the couch. The Fitbit or the app may be faulty, which wouldn't be surprising as Google has imposed Google Health, whatever that is, on the working of the fitbit app. It may be that the app just stopped working for four hours. It could be something to do with an internet connectivity glitch interrupting the device telemetry. At least I don't feel terrible! 

When I woke up at daybreak, I peeped out of the lounge curtains and saw a bullfinch poised on the garden bench nearby. It's the first time I've ever seen one, let alone at close quarters. 

Ann and Clare have decided to return to Cardiff tomorrow and stop with us  overnight before travelling to London. It's the best way to reduce the uncertainty about the train connection on a Bank Holiday. 

When I was in the bathroom I had a phone call from Withybush A&E about coming in for a blood test. I said the journey was too stressful after a bad night of sleep, and I need rest and quietness. A note will be sent to our GP. I can book a blood test when I get home.

I had savoury black beans cooked with fried onion and mushroom, Ann and Clare had omelettes. They went to the train station afterwards to buy tickets for tomorrow. I slept for another hour and went for a slow walk as the drizzle had stopped

I had a WhatsApp message exchange with Kath at tea time, and an hour later a voice call with Rachel. She sang me a song she's practicing for a gig.  The recording app on my phone refused to record the song live, so I recorded it on my digital dictator and changed the .wma file format to .mp3 using Google's Cloud Convert to email it to her instead.

We all went to bed by ten. I was too tired, and didn't want to fight the wind and rain to walk my full daily distance. I found a thick blanket and folded it in layers to serve as an extra cushion for the couch in the hope of a less uncomfortable and longer night's sleep.

Ascension Baptism at St Mary's

A very disturbed night. I ended up sleeping on the sofa and being woken up at eight when Ann and Clare got up at eight. We went to the St Mary's Parish Eucharist at ten. In addition to the regular congregation of about seventy, there was a large family group attending for a baptism during the service. Fr Steve preached a stirring Ascensiontide sermon, as well as celebrating and baptizing a baby girl named Lola. He wasn't wearing a radio mic. and used his strong voice to announce and give instructions, quite a strain nevertheless, as it's a big church with two aisles as well as the nave and chancel

There was a buzz of excited chatter to start with. After the Christening it was much quieter as the baptism party left the church during the exchange of the Peace. It reminded me of hearing Greek Orthodox clergy declare 'The Doors, the Doors!' before the Peace, the moment at which Cathechumens were excluded from the eucharistic Mysteries and left the church after the Liturgy of the Word in the Byzantine rite. 

I returned to Croft Court straight after the service rather than go with them for coffee and a snack lunch. I was feeling the after effects of sleep loss and in need of peace and quiet. I dozed for a while, then cooked myself tagliatelli with the remains of the black bean sugo I made a few days ago. Clare and Ann returned and I went out for a walk as far as South Beach calling in Tesco's to buy a couple of tins of fish. I'm staying in tonight, while they eat out. I still find restaurants uncomfortable, especially when I'm tired. Too much stimulus to cope with. I just crave peace and quiet.

I had the apartment to myself for supper with rye bread and sardines  then went out for a sunset walk. Ann and Clare returned satisfied with their enjoyable meal. Ann had to prepare for her return journey on a Bank Holiday weekend, involving a change to the Paddington train in Cardiff. Not as simple as it sounds. TFW Metro system trains arrive at the peripheral platform zero, from which a lift descends to the booking hall for access to main line platforms. Allow for a five to ten minute walk, depending on the number of people on the move at that time and there's an element of uncertainty about making the connection. Best for an older person walking slowly, lugging a case to avoid or plan for. 

In addition a timetable change had taken effect making it more difficult to establish the accuracy of information provided when booking the ticket. The TFW website isn't user friendly, too much information, no place where you can view a train timetable directly of the kind you'd see on a station platform. You can only access information by giving information about the ticket you propose to buy. There's an assortment of train apps which are equally complicated. Google provides a schedule summary fortunately, but this doesn't always display unless the right wording is used. We could find no reassurance to the uncertainty this produced. In the end, we all attempted to get an early night.

Landmark moment?

It seems that I'm feeling the cold much more than Clare or Ann. Both find the apartment comfortable and warm, and wonder if it's something to  do with my metabolism or a side effect of the medication. I'm none the worse for yesterday's medication chaos, but getting up in the night half a dozen times to empty my bladder, I lose body heat and it takes ages to warm up and return to sleep. If I leave an arm trailing outside the blankets, the arm gets cold, then my exposed shoulder ... etc. Eleven hours in bed last night, four hours sleep lost. 

I remember this effect during my covid sojourn in Ibiza. Night time sea air seems to draw heat from my body when the temperature is ten to eleven degrees. If it's ten degrees higher, the air doesn't have a chilling effect. At home I can add a fleece jacket if I feel cold, but didn't bring one with me as I had too much to carry. I'll have to wrap up warmer from now on, bed clothes aren't enough. I may have less sub-cutaneous body fat now as I'm fifteen kilos lighter than I was in my sixties. Waking up and getting going was a slow process. 

It was cloudy with occasional drizzles of rain when Clare and Ann went shopping after breakfast. I stayed behind and rested to recover mental and physical energy and cooked lunch for myself, as the others had a snack lunch in town. Then I slept for over an hour before going out for a walk when the rain stopped. The wind is a little warmer today than it has been since we arrived.

 It's been nine months since the stroke. Rufus said it took him nine months to be rid of brain fog and regain clarity and mental sharpness. It's a landmark moment in recovery. I think this is true for me, sort of. I'm not getting the quality of sleep I need to avoid cumulative brain fatigue. This affects the coherence of my perception and memory. I don't forget much over time, but retrieval and retention is slow or erratic, and linked to my need for visual or memorised cues. Working hard to exercise and rebuild the required neural pathways in the brain is essential, but fatigue sabotages the effort. It reminds me of how physical muscles behave when recovering from exercise or from a night's sleep. I'm anxious about losing control and failing to get done that which must be done, conscious of time running out. Sometimes I feel as if time is accelerating and I'm lagging behind.

Owain called and chatted with us after supper, and Rachel later on, both using WhatsApp. I chatted with Ann face to face after Clare went to bed, and ended up going to bed later than is good for me.

Meds muddle

After a fair and relaxed night's sleep, another day with a strong cold wind, sunshine and cloud. When I came to take my meds at breakfast time, I was shocked to discover that I'd made an error in my routine self dosage. Instead of aspirin in the aspirin package there was a strip of Losartan. I have no idea how that happened, but it meant that for the past couple of days I have been overdosing myself without realising. The writing on the back of the foil strip packaging is so small it's easy to make a mistake with my visual impairment. Clare and I walked around to the neighbouring Cottage Hospital where I was treated with motherly kindness by two experienced nurse practitioners. My blood pressure was sky high with the shock and from responding to their diagnostic questions. If I had critically overdosed it would lead to kidney failure I was told. No sign of that. Bladder working normally so far.

The outcome was the need to check with a blood test, which could only be done at Withybush Hospital, an hour's journey away by bus or train. By the time this was proposed I was tired, hungry and thirsty and unwilling to put myself under any more pressure and increase my stress levels. I declined, knowing what the impact on me would be. Having searched high and low for the missing aspirin, I went to the pharmacy in town on my way back to Croft Court and bought some. At half past five I had a phone call from an A&E nurse at Withybush to say they had been expecting me, as the nurse I saw at the Cottage Hospital had alerted them to expect me, despite my saying that I was too tired to make the journey. He expressed concern about my high blood pressure, and I explained this was normal, and something I lived with. The A&E nurse stated his concern and told me that if there was any change in my condition, to call 999. The perils of country life with no car! My misgivings about taking this holiday were justified. Having skipped my morning dose of Losartan as a precaution, I felt there was sufficient justification to take if following this conversation, which doubtless raised my blood pressure for a second time in the day. After this call I felt hot headed, a symptom of high blood pressure I used to experience when under stress back in the day. I took the Losartan dose missed earlier, in the hope this would stabilise me.

I cooked rice to go with a can of sardines for supper, as I didn't fancy fish and chps. Then a half hour walk as the sun set  there was no wind and the sea was still. A lovely calming sight on my way back for an early night. 

Early for Ascension

Another wakeful night, disturbed by Clare's noisy snoring  leaving me unable to recover from mental and physical fatigue, feeling stressed out. If only I had remembered to pack my ear plugs. As a precaution against overdosing on aspirin, I cut the pill in half and dissolved one half in water. It took over an hour to do this and it tasted disgusting.

I made the effort to walk to St Mary's for the Ascension Day Eucharist, and arrived an hour early. I didn't check the time before leaving, and didn't want to be late. I intended to go to the pharmacy and ask them to check the aspirin dosage prescribed, but went to the church to confirm the service time. Several women were there preparing flower arrangements for a wedding, but they didn't know anything about the service time. At half past eleven, Vicar Fr Steve arrived, and the Verger lit the candles and prepared the altar, then there were a dozen at noon celebrating the end of Easter-tide together. I enjoyed waiting, quietly watching the 'liturgy before the liturgy' unfold' letting the stress drain away. I had a brief chat with Fr Steve after the service.  I was surprised he recognised me from our previous holiday visit nearly two years ago.

The pharmacy was closed for lunch when I got there, so I returned to Croft Court and had sardines and rye bread for lunch. Then, back to the pharmacy to inquire about the aspirin dosage. Apparently there was no mistake, but I still can't work out why the previously prescribed ones were more readily water soluble and didn't taste so unpleasant. Clare and Ann had lunch in town. I slept for a much needed extra hour until Clare and Ann arrived.

I went out for a walk to clear my head with fresh air after and drive away the tiredness. Up the hill behind Croft Court there's a long car park which serves holidaymakers and visitors to the Cottage Hospital along one side of the site. Described as a nurse-led walk-in treatment centre, it operates from ten until five on weekdays, dealing with minor injuries and illnesses without a scheduled appointment. It's staffed by Emergency Nurse Practitioners, therapists and GPs in one of fifty centres referred to as Community Hospitals in Wales - a new medical enterprise which has developed in the past decade.

When I returned, Ann and Clare had cooked sausages and baked spuds for supper, followed by stewed apricots, the taste of these reminded me of being in Ibiza during covid lockdown, watching apricot trees blossom and a month later, buying and stewing them for pudding. After supper, Clare and I rearranged the lounge furniture to set up a separate bed I could sleep in without disturbance, hoping to be able to shake off the fatigue that's plaguing me at the moment. Ann and I chatted about ways of recovering from trauma until it was time for sleep.

Back to the Prayer Book (1984)

Another night with the east wind, despite the background heating, needing to get warm in order to get back to sleep after getting up to empty my bladder again and again. Somehow I got seven hours' sleep, but the tiredness persisted until mid morning. I posted today's YouTube link to Morning Prayer on WhatsApp when I got up at eight thirty. A mix of sunshine and cloud with the fifteen degree air temperature feeling like seven.

After breakfast Clare and Ann walked along South Beach and had a coffee before doing food shopping. I went to the noon Rogationtide Eucharist at St Mary's Parish Church with a congregation of fifteen retired people in the congregation, for a 1984 Prayer Book service, including the priest who preached last Sunday. He read the lessons with the confident relish of a man who loves to read scripture in public while the Vicar took  the service. I enjoyed the calm of joining in a familiar liturgy known by heart. I left without speaking to anyone, savouring the inner silence after a disturbed night. I called Clare but got no answer, and sat for a while on a bench in the entrance hall of the market, as we'd made no plan to meet. An hour later I had a call to say they'd walked home, and returned to join them for lunch.

After the meal I slept for an hour and a quarter, then went for a walk.  I was surprised and disconcerted when my nose started bleeding as I was about to turn around and return to Croft Court. I was walking slowly and wasn't exerting myself at the time. I think it was a consequence of being prescribed a double dose of aspirin to go with the other platelet reducing medication I'm taking. I took the pill when I wasn't fully awake and didn't dissolve it in water. Six hours later I paid the price for lack of vigilance. In future I'll dissolve it properly in water and drink only half of it, to reduce the concentration to the equivalent of the first prescription of pills issued to me the first time. I don't know what went wrong, but it was disturbing to read the information on the back of the pack stating that aspirin shouldn't be taken with blood thinning medications.

Clare made a fish pie for supper. I went for a breath of fresh air as the sun was setting, got caught in a shower of rain and had to change my wet trousers when I got back. We're meant to have warmer weather from tomorrow. Feeling it is believing! Early bed tonight to compensate for broken sleep. I so need to reduce the accumulated tiredness. It's so demoralising.

Fatigued

It was after nine when I woke up this morning. Eleven hours in bed for seven hours of sleep, I was awake for four hours, traipsing back and forth to the toilet. When I got up it was sunny with clouds on the move, and less wind today. I felt mentally and physically tired for most of the day. I've not yet adjusted to the change of environment. Clare and Ann are enjoying being in holiday mode, I still feel I'm in survival mode and this seems to absorb a lot of my energy. 

We walked into town to buy vegetables and mixed dried herbs with a fragrant aroma at the organic stall in the Old Market Hall. We went to the Sea View cafe and restaurant at lunchtime, but I wasn't hungry. I sat drinking a cup of tea while Clare and Ann ate lunch. Then I returned to Croft Court where I had a snack of rye bread, hummus and walnuts before dozing on the sofa until they returned. 

Later in the afternoon, once I'd recovered and my head cleared, I went out and walked again for an hour before supper. I prepared and steamed cauliflower and carrots while Clare cooked scrambled egg on toast for herself and Ann. She turned some vegetable protein into a bolognese style sauce for me to eat with bread.

I completed my daily step quota walking around the house while Clare and Ann went for a sunset walk on the beach. I felt too tired to go out again, and started getting ready for bed early.

Welcome visitor

I slept fairly well and was up at eight, wishing I could have slept for longer, but wasn't quite warm enough to doze off again. Clare, on the other hand, complained of being too hot in the other single bed. We walked to the town market after breakfast, where there's a lovely organic veg and wholefood shop. The wholesale veg delivery hadn't yet arrived, so we went to Tesco's to buy bread, pasta and passata, then returned for a cup of coffee. Clare had a dish of crab salad, while we waited. After buying veg we needed, we returned to Croft Court, in a headwind which blew light rain into our faces. As Clare had eaten I cooked a veggie sugo with tagliatelli for my lunch.

On our way to meet Ann at Tenby train station we went to the market to buy local potatoes, then to Tesco's for wine and prosecco, though not for me because of the meds. We mis-timed the walk to the station and were three quarters of an hour early arriving there. It's unstaffed. The waiting room and toilets were locked so we sat outside in the sun until the train arrived.

We walked back to Croft Court with me dragging Ann's suitcase. Clare cooked the fresh sea bass fillets bought yesterday. I scrubbed new potatoes, recently pulled from the ground. Both delicious! After supper we sat around chatting, catching up for the rest of the evening. 

Tenby Sunday

I slept quite well and got up slowly for breakfast at eight. Cloudy with a cold north west wind today.  We allowed ourselves half an hour to walk to Saint Mary's Church for the Eucharist. It took us about ten minutes, which meant we could sit quietly and enjoy the atmosphere of people being welcomed as they gathered for worship. I read most of Morning Prayer before the fifteen strong choir sang Bruckner's 'Locus Iste' from the vestry behind the organ before entering in procession. It seemed to me that the congregation of about sixty adults were mostly of grandparent age, with a dozen children of Junior School age, taking an active part in the service taking the collection, accompanied by an older adult. The stately ritual of a town centre church Sung Eucharist was relaxed and prayerful, the children walked around looking at ease,  comfortable to belong and be included in worship. Retired clergy preached and presided. Tenby's Ministry Area Leader was at another church today. It was a good  experience of parish liturgy well done. The only thing striking me as odd in a rural coastal community where fishing is still feature of the local economy, was no mention of today being Rogation Sunday.

We had a cup of coffee on our way back to Croft Court in a restaurant overlooking the sea and out of the strong cold wind. China cups instead of disposable ones, and a large slice of choccy cake for Clare. While I was preparing lunch, she baked flapjacks, to use up some of the large packet of oats, bought on Friday. We had broccoli with rice and cod perfectly poached in almond milk, with clementines and flapjacks to follow.

As the lining of my jacket pocket had come apart I had a repair job to do after lunch. This went well until I ran out of thread, and needed Clare's help to finish it off for me. On removing my wallet from the jacket I discovered my rail card and tickets weren't there where they should be. I searched  everywhere and started to panic - out of control again. Clare started checking her wallet in case she had picked up mine at the last ticket check before arriving at Tenby. She found her rail card, but not her ticket. More chaos! Eventually, I found my rail card and tickets in a hidden compartment of the wallet I don't normally use. Clare's tickets then turned up in a compartment of her mobile phone case. Panic over.

We walked into town again to enjoy the colourful aspect of the townscape, the harbour and vast expanse of golden beach illuminated by the afternoon sun. There's a fishmonger's stall in a small old building, open for fresh fish, or crab sandwiches if you prefer. Clare bought sea bass fillets for tomorrow's supper when Ann arrives to join us.

I went out again after supper for some fresh air and completed my daily distance, following the road away from the beach uphill towards the place where we stayed on our last visit. It's a matter of reconstructing my visual memory map of the area. This afternoon's panic over misplace tickets left me feeling very tired and incoherent, so it's early bed for me, even before Clare, who's usually first to surrender to sleep.

Carten 100 challenge

I wish I could have slept for longer, as the after effect of running on adrenalin yesterday left me tired and struggling. Clare was up and active, keen to go out and explore after breakfast. Her uncertain memory and poor sense of direction meant she needed me to go with her. We walked down to the harbour, then up into the old town. 

A big black Americano at a bar in Sergeants' Lane revived me somewhat. It's a lively and busy area, with a few art galleries plus pubs and restaurants, including one belonging to the Tenby based Harbwr brewery. As I was taking photos of the street, a lad welcoming customers told me his uncle owned properties there. All are old buildings with different trade histories, sympathetically renovated and adapted for the purpose of hospitality - this perhaps explains why it works well, architecturally speaking. Clare has her eye on a harbour painting in one of the galleries! 

We visited Tesco's and an artisan bakery to shop for decent rye bread and ground coffee, then found a fish and chip restaurant for lunch before returning to Croft Court with me feeling desperately in need of a rest. I slept for an hour and a half, then went to Tesco's again to buy a few more food items we'd missed earlier. The trouble with a holiday letting is that you have to bring all your own food supplies with you - fine if you have a car - but buy everything you need from scratch if you prefer cooking for yourself, and that takes time.

As we walked to and from the shops this afternoon, we saw scores of cyclists passing by, all participants in the Carten 100 charity ride from Cardiff to Tenby. The finish line was down in the harbour, not that we were around when this happened, but apparently it is a popular public event. It's not a race but a hundred mile 'challenge' ride through the very varied coastal terrain of South Wales. A rather tough 'fun run' you might call it.

After supper, I went out for a breath of fresh air, walking uphill on the road above North Beach to where I could get a better view of the west facing bay with the town spread out on the promontory behind it, and took a few photos. Just after I returned the setting sun illuminated the crowds an unexpected bright pink colour. Cue for a few more photos! 

Disappointed at being unable to find decent marmalade in Tesco's, Clare took a lemon and cooked a small portion of marmalade with it. A treat for tomorrow's breakfast. Early bed for me tonight. Still tired from getting here and settling in yesterday.

Westbound to Tenby

I woke up early and couldn't get back to sleep. I got up, finished packing my bags and after breakfast went to the pharmacy to get the clot busting medication I failed to collect last night. Fortunately I didn't feel as bad as I thought I might, and dozed in my armchair until Ann arrived to hand over the keys and maps to take us to their Croft Court holiday apartment  in Tenby where we'll be spending the next two weeks. She drove us to the station for the 12.51 train. We took the lift from the car park down to the station entrance, only to learn that the train departs from Platform Zero, right next to the car park, so we had to get back in the lift and make our way through a tide of passengers leaving the train we were about to board. The train itself is one of a new fleet of Swiss Stadler FLIRT 756 tri-mode electric metro trains, being introduced to the South Wales rail network by Transport for Wales. 

These trains are equipped to run on lines not yet electrified, using battery or diesel power and look smart in bright red and pale grey livery. The rolling stock interior gives them a European feel to them with bright video screens displaying journey info, with slightly over-loud announcements in Welsh and English. It seems a bit strange to me, sitting on a train of this design and not hearing French, German or Spanish. The two and three quarter hour journey runs along the coast for half the journey. The leaves are out, as is the May blossom and views of the shoreline and tidal rivers glinting in the afternoon sun are wonderful. The train was full with uni students going home for the weekend I think. Ann gave us the number of a taxi firm, but making contact by mobile phone, even when attached to TFW wi-fi wasn't successful, so we dragged our cases along on the twenty minute walk from Tenby station to the Croft Court apartments overlooking the harbour, called 'Sandy Reach' except that the road along North Beach is flanked by tall trees, and we're staying at first floor level, with a lawn outside the lounge window. It's a sun trap with a resident blackbird foraging for worms and insects.

After depositing our cases and emptying our rucksacks, I added our various digital devices to the house wi-fi network, then we walked to Tesco's in the main street to stock up on basic food supplies. It was very crowded. For months I've had difficulty shopping in supermarkets with so much movement and visual stimulus causing my slow brain to feel overwhelmed. I made a shopping list but didn't need to use it, I found everything I needed from memory except Ryvita (none in stock, I was told). We both had heavy rucksacks walking back to Croft Court. Only when I stopped to reflect on all this did I realise that on this occasion I wasn't feeling overwhelmed. 

The first thing we had to do when we returned to Sandy Reach was to learn how to control the induction hob cooker. We both found its touch controls difficult to master,  but eventually I boiled some potatoes and cooked a sauce with carrots, fresh coriander and cannelli beans, to go with hake fillets which Clare fried perfectly. We used sesame seed oil, which Clare bought in Tesco's - a first for both of us and different in flavour from sunflower, rape seed and olive oil.

It was dusk by the time we'd eaten supper. We didn't go out again but spent the rest of the evening relaxing settling in and starting to feel physically tired, but thankfully not overwhelmed by the varied stimuli of a day of change on the move.

Talking of change, the Senedd's First Minister Eluned Morgan lost her seat in yesterday's elections. Plaid Cymru is now the majority party in Wales, and across Britain, Conservative, Labour and Liberal parties have been swept aside by Reform voters. Heaven help us. 

Getting ready to go

Another night of broken sleep punctuated by worries about sorting out medication before we go away, but waking up to sunshine and hazy blue sky. I went to the surgery after breakfast feeling somewhat worse for wear, as if I'd just been rudely awakened from deep sleep, though I'd been up for a couple of hours already. I explained to the receptionist in a less than coherent way the problem I was having with the timing of my prescription repeat, and she kindly went on the prescription website and dealt with the matter immediately. All I need to do now is return to the pharmacy opposite the surgery at the end of today to collect it, then my most immediate worry will be over.

I went to the pharmacy immediately to get throat sweets and soluble aspirin for Clare and was told they had none in stock. Thankfully I was able to buy some at 'Savers' drugstore on Cowbridge Road. Not only was my brain lethargic, but my legs were stiff, slow to warm up. While I was out Clare cooked a pasta dish for lunch. After we'd eaten I went into town on the 61 bus, to book train tickets for our Tenby trip. This involved renewing my rail card at a cost of thirty five quid, a third of the cost of the return journey for both of us.

After returning home, I was rather slow to remember that I needed to pick up my prescription from the pharmacy. Too slow in fact. I walked as fast as I could but arrived at half past five to find the lights were out and the front door locked. Previously I've had to wait for a particular ordered item to arrive. I don't know if this might be the case again. If so, it'll mean I can't leave for Tenby as planned tomorrow. I don't need any more uncertainty, worry and lost sleep. Life seems to slip out of control easily when my ability to concentrate fails and disrupts the coherence of my memory and my mind goes blank. Mental fatigue and stress leave me feeling so vulnerable, especially in public. It's just as well my core strength is still good.

Packing holiday travel bags after supper this evening. Not an easy job - clothes, tech' gear, medical stuff, a few books. Collecting stuff needed, packing and checking everything with a slow brain, not very good at dealing with complexity - it's an ordeal nowadays. I went out and walked for twenty minutes as it was getting dark, to clear my head. It promises to become warmer this week. Bed early tonight, hoping for as much good sleep as I can get.

Medication muddle

Slightly warmer today, mostly sunny with fewer clouds moving around in the sky. I was awake worrying about changing my survival routine when we go to Tenby but didn't surface from sleep until after nine. My head was clear, but my brain was half asleep and slow to get going. It meant I was late starting out for the Eucharist at St Catherine's, and I arrived just in time for the Gospel. There were nine of us this morning. Jeremy our ordinand on placement gave a brief homily. I was pleased to see him, as I remembered to take with me Hans Kung's master work on Islam, which I promised to give him. As we're away for the next fortnight, I'll miss his farewell to the Parish.

After coffee and chat, I went to the Coop on my way home to buy veggies and cough mixture for Clare, who sent me a text message while I was in church. I returned from shopping and cooked our lunch, then completed recording and editing Morning Prayer audio made the video slideshow and uploaded it for two weeks time. Now I won't have to prepare anything more until we return home from Tenby. It wasn't easy or straightforward. My thought processes were much slower. 

Ashley called me and we chatted for an hour while I was working. The break in my workflow and poor concentration made it difficult to pick up where I left off. It affected my memory badly as well. I was minded to check I have enough medication to cover the period when I'm away. Just as well I did. I'm a couple of days short of having enough to cover the full period, and not enough time to re-order, as repeat prescription processing takes a week. It's only the clot dispersal medication I'm lacking. I'll have to visit the pharmacy tomorrow to find out what I can do about this. Otherwise, I'll have to return home to collect mid-holiday or leave Tenby a few days early, just before I run out. I don't want to take the risk of running out. I wonder if this is what I've been worrying about unconsciously  during the past few nights of lost sleep.

My head began to clear after supper, so I went out and walked briskly for an hour as it was getting dark. I met Roger and Keith in Llandaff Fields, the first time on my way up. I overtook them on the way down, as they were walking at a slower pace, eliciting a comment from Keith about how fast I was. Normally when I walk briskly I'm the one that gets overtaken by everyone else between the ages of thirteen and sixty! I'm just grateful that I'm walking briskly most of the time without getting breathless. If I need to stop, it's not to catch my breath but to ease stiff legs by letting the blood circulate through relaxed muscles.

While the US blockades Iranian ports, America is depriving Iran of revenue to sustain the war. Cease-fire talks continue. No wonder there is talk of 'progress'. Trump has ordered an armed escort for commercial shipping, forcing a passage through the Straight of Hormuz, closed by Iran. Fifteen hundred ships are trapped there.  Attacks on departing ships were successfully repelled. The next day, this military operation is halted. Peace talks continue. I imagine America has proved what it can do, albeit at great risk, and also great expense. Some military commentators are observing that US weapon stocks are being used faster than they can be replaced, creating such a vulnerability with Russia watching with interest. Despite the cease-fire talks between Israel and Lebanon, Israel continues to attack Lebanese territory in its effort to root out Hezbollah militias. Will the pressure on Iran lead to withdrawal of its background support for Hezbollah? Israel's flagrant disregard for Lebanese territory and its Arab population could make it harder to dislodge embedded Hezbollah fighters. Israel is doing itself no favour with its treatment of Lebanon. The same is true with Gaza too. It merely perpetuates mutual hatred on the ground, and indignation far and wide.

The ethics of diagnosis

Mild air and cloudy sky, but not overcast this morning. I went to bed too late last night, pursuing a line of thought to conclusion in writing a reflection. I woke up feeling clear and sharp from an average night's sleep, but was light headed after breakfast, and before taking all my meds. Serves me right for lacking discipline about stopping work and relaxing late in the evening when it's nearly bed time. I felt lethargic and didn't do much all morning apart from writing Sara a long email, and reading the first fifty pages of the book, evaluating the impact modern medical diagnosis, which Ann sent me.

Clare has developed a cold and didn't go to here study group in Penarth this morning. After cooking fish pie for lunch, she went to bed and slept for a couple of hours. I walked in Llandaff and Pontcanna Fields in the afternoon. One of the chestnut trees which doesn't bear conkers in the autumn is in full bloom with red flowers, a striking difference to all the others with their white 'candle' blossoms. The horse paddock behind the stables that stretches all the way down to the river bank is covered in a carpet of buttercups and daisies at the moment, a spectacular sight in the sunshine.

Much to my surprise, this evening's episode of 'The Archers' was about DNA testing that can reveal if a person carrying it is likely to develop cancer. This was what I was reading about this morning, with reference to diagnosing Huntington's Disease, and the ethical question of whether or not to inform family members about the findings, whether or not it's necessary to know, and what impact knowing will have of quality of life. Such a coincidence! Is this Art imitating Life? As Ann said when I told her. We chatted with Owain on WhatsApp after supper. He's got a gig in Cardiff next weekend. Such a pity we'll be in Tenby and won't be able to enjoy his company.

My memory and concentration has been particularly sluggish today. It's most frustrating. I've not been able to do much. I think, I hope it's just accumulated brain fatigue.

Inconvenience store

 I woke up to an overcast sky, quite clear headed for a change, but my brain seemed to become overcast as a result of the medication, leaving me with erratic concentration. I spent the morning combining the five Adventures of Reggie Rabbit stories into a fifty page text. The task was frustratingly difficult. It was if my memory was only working intermittently. 

Clare went shopping for veggies after breakfast, only to find the greengrocers' shops were shut. Neither of us remembered it was Spring Bank Holiday. I cooked curried lentils for lunch, with broccoli, baby corn cobs and carrots. An interesting combination, not too starchy.

After we'd eaten I went to the Pontcanna Street Co-op to stock up on a few essentials. It's not an easy shop to navigate, as the aisles are narrow and signage is poor. It was busy, as it was one of the few food stores open on a Bank Holiday. It was crowded, making navigation difficult to different shelves, not all of them well lit. I couldn't stand back far enough with my impaired vision to survey shelves crammed with an arrangement of products not well displayed. As a result it takes longer to find everything on the shopping list, so the turnover of shoppers is that much slower. The only alternative is to walk the extra mile to a larger store, but that's not always convenient.

Later, I walked to Thompson's Park, where I was hailed by Andrew and Martin. I've not seen them since Andrew started his ordination training at St Padarn's.. He's on pastoral placement this year at St Theodore's Port Talbot, loving it and its parishioners. It's an example of a deep rooted urban industrial community that is more  like a village where everyone knows everyone else, and takes an interest in each other. It's an impoverished area with steel production shut down, pending the construction of new electric arc blast furnaces, leading to many redundancies ad interim. Nevertheless, it's a community rich in its relationships, gifted people and characters with a passion for making something good in time of adversity.

After a circuit of the park, noting the increase of noisy green parakeet activity, I walked over to Llandaff Fields and did a circuit there before returning home in time to get the table ready for supper. My head had just about cleared by then, I was surprised at how little traffic there was on the roads. The parks weren't busy either. Did this mean there was an exodus to the coast? Without the convenience of a car, getting to the seaside by public transport takes time and planning. Alas the limitations of age and infirmity!

Worries

It's warmer today, sunshine and clouds but no rain. I was awake for over an hour in the night, worrying  about how I'm going to cope on our fortnight's holiday in Tenby next week. My head is clearer, but the combined effect of the meds often blunts my senses and leaves me feeling less alert. I'm not sure how well I'll cope with the stimulus of a change of environment and routine. My memory works but sometimes it's slow and my concentration lapses if I'm distracted. Am I going to feel out of control in a place I remember well in general, but am unfamiliar with in detail? Am I going to be at risk of an accident? These thoughts go through my head when discomfort in my bladder and intestines wake me up at four in the morning.

We went to the Parish Eucharist at Saint Catherine's after breakfast. There were about forty of us present and half a dozen children. Next week is ordinand Jeremy's last week with us on placement. I promised him some books. As I forgot to take them with me today, I must take them with me to Mass on Wednesday for him to collect next week. We didn't stop for coffee and chat after the service but came straight home. I lost sight of Clare in the street outside. I waited for her outside the Co-op but couldn't see her anywhere, so I walked home on my own. I can imagine this happening when we're in Tenby after a concentration lapse on my part. 

After lunch I slept for an hour in my armchair, and then went for walk along the Taff in Pontcanna Fields. I got a photo of a female cormorant in breeding plumage, standing on a rock in the river stretching her neck upwards to the sun, and another of a pair of mallards swimming down river with a brood of six ducklings, almost fully fledged. This year I missed seeing the newly hatched yellow fluffy offspring altogether. I suppose that reflects a change in my habitual walking routes since I started recovering from the stroke. I don't walk as often along the river these days.

I made the Rogationtide Morning Prayer video slide show and uploaded it to YouTube before supper, and watched a new episode of 'Panda' after we'd eaten, while Clare watched 'Call the Midwife' on telly. There were a few other chores I should have done, but I didn't have the mental energy. That's what happens when worry adds to sleep deprivation. It adds to the unfinished business I need to tackle - a vicious cycle.

Talking of vicious cycles, Peace talks between America and Iran have led to a plan to end the war being proposed by Iran. Although under review, Trump says it's unacceptable. Industrial supply chains disrupted because of the closure of the Straight of Hormuz will have a far reaching economic effect. Uncertainty over the outcome is driving inflation, and it will take months for production cycles to return to normal if marine traffic does return to normal. This will make Trump and his coercive tactics even more unpopular. America's alliance with Israel continues, undermining and devaluing partnership with Arab allies. Trump is withdrawing US troops from Germany in response to EU criticism of his war. This weakens NATO's defensive posture toward Russia. I wonder how long it will take for Russia to take fresh advantage of this?

Feedback

A cloudy day, but slightly warmer than previous days. Awake for only an hour and a half out of nine in bed I slept well and my head was fairly clear as a result though my concentration and alertness was variable, making me feel as if I was unstable, even if I wasn't.

Pancakes for breakfast, lovingly cooked by Clare, who was awake well before I got up. For no apparent reason, while I was editing a reflection after breakfast, I dozed off in my armchair and slept for another hour. Yesterday I walked more than my daily step goal. Did it lead to added sleepiness? Clare had cooked lunch by the time I came around. I did the washing up, then walked in Llandaff Fields. It started drizzling after I'd walked for an hour, so I arrived home wet and annoyed that I had to cut short my exercise time. I had another exchange of emails with Roy today about the portrayal of the antichrist in the book of Revelations which he's studying at the moment.

Clare was out shopping when I got back. With the house to myself, I recorded Daily Prayer the week after next. I need to get ahead as we'll be away in Tenby for two weeks, with no guarantee of working internet to use. I edited the audio after supper.

Rachel called and we had a chat about her experimental YouTube song launch. I left comments about the Kintsugi song, and so did Clare. We both found it rather difficult to post comments from the phone app as the user interface isn't friendly. It's too crowded and full of distraction. Not good for anyone with mental fatigue. The laptop version is much easier to use.

By the time the audio edit was finished, it was time to bring this damp day to a conclusion and escape into sleep.

Diabolical

A return to overcast sky and occasional showers today. Despite getting to bed earlier I still lost three hours' sleep out of ten in bed, making it harder to get started. Eventually, I started preparing veg for lunch and realised we were out of carrots, so I went to the Jason's greengrocer's to buy some, and met Clare on her way home from shopping elsewhere. I cooked when I returned. For the first time in ages I hoovered the carpets. I was a bit nervous about using an unwieldy weighty machine, given changes in coordination and variability in muscle flexibility. Although I'm still strong enough, I need to be extra cautious to avoid the risk of over reaching myself and having an accident.

I had an email from Roy in Madrid asked me about John the Seer's letter to the church in Philadelphia in Revelations 6.8 and the idea of the anti-christ in the New Testament. This gave me something interesting to examine and explain, given the current US war with Iran and Trump's behaviour as a war leader.

When I was out walking in the park at tea time, I sat on a bench to listen to Rachel on YouTube, launching a new song, recorded when she was playing to a live audience - a beautiful song immaculately performed and produced called Kintsugi, named after the Japanese art of repairing broken pots using lacquer mixed with powdered gold to highlight rather than hide the damage, revealing the random beauty in the repaired cracks. The song reflects on ageing and how there's beauty in the life of a worn and broken person. Publicising the song launch as widely as possible and soliciting positive responses aims to influence the algorithm that recommends viewing to other YouTubers, boosting popularity and hopefully sales. I hope so. Rachel deserves artistic recognition. She's such an excellent musician and performer.

At supper time, we were nearly out of fresh fruit so I went to the Coop to re-stock the fruit bowl before settling down for the evening.

Lots to think about today. Following anti-semitic attacks on synagogues and in the Golders Green area, a surge of anger and fear is being expressed by Jewish community members. It's understandable given the long history of persecution and intolerance experienced by Jews in 'Christian' countries.

Legislation against hate speech doesn't prevent people from thinking racist thoughts or propagating their ideas and plans on encrypted social media. Sick angry people can easily be motivated to violent actions, alone or conspiring with others. No matter how effective police extremist and anti-terrorist surveillance may be, no matter how alert Jewish security intelligence gathering teams may be, there's an element of randomness about when and where violence may break out and who the perpetrators may be. Freedom, openness, a high degree of social responsibility and participation as British citizens, are vital expressions of Jewish faith and values. A defiant bright light in the long dark shadow cast by Nazi persecution and the Holocaust. It's not just up to the police and security agencies to protect Jews and Jewish community institutions, all citizens of good will must be ready to denounce and resist the toxic rhetoric of extremist racist violence tolerated under the disguise of free speech today. 

An interview with Archbishop Rowan appeared on the 'Unherd' news website in which he reflects on the 'diabolical' nature of contemporary political discourse, taking aim at Trump's contemptuous foul mouthed,  often inaccurate misleading language, aiming to sow chaos and divide people. The word diabolical from the Greek means forcing division. 

In an interview given 30 years ago, Comedian John Cleese speaks about why extremism feels good for all the wrong reasons and is so tempting: it hands you a list of enemies, and a feeling of righteousness to go with it. Suddenly every frustration has a target and every harsh word feels justified. But when we sort the world into heroes and villains we lose something important: the ability to grapple with complex issues. I wonder how far Trump and his associates really understand this? His coercive war strategy is driving the global economy into recession with fertilizer shortages ending up reducing food supplies which will hit poor countries hardest, including America's poor. The Middle East war will only move out of crippling deadlock by diplomatic dialogue and negotiation. Trump's coercive tactics have failed and dangerously so. 

I had a nice chat with Rachel just before bed time, discussing her music promotion campaign. It's too soon for the results to indicate success. It a matter of wait and see, and learn from the experience.

 

Shredding

A beautiful sunny spring day, with a milder breeze today. I had my usual broken night, losing three hours sleep out of ten in bed. I was clear headed when I got up. I blew my nose and a large blood clot came out in the mucus. Later in the morning I had a further brief nose bleed. It's rather upsetting, but inevitable with my blood pressure volatile influenced by stress, still high, clot thinning meds and wounds in my nostrils and nasal cavity which are not well healed. I spent a few hours recovering from the shock. 

Then I tackled a particular chore I've been avoiding for months. I have a thick pile of A4 paper documents containing information about the 289 funerals I've taken since we returned to Wales. Many are annotated with handwritten pastoral details. I retained them in my file cabinet in case I was asked to minister again following another death in the family. I needed to shred them into anonymity, as they're sensitive confidential documents. It took me an hour, and yielded a large green recycling bag. Yesterday's rubbish collection emptied wheelie bins, but fortunately the content of sorted recycling bags is yet to be collected.

Clare went shopping and I cooked veg, rice and fish for lunch. Then, I had a half hour phone conversation from a member of the NHS stroke team, following up on the survey I responded to last week, asking how I was getting on with medication issues and managing everyday tasks in the light of visual impairment and memory coherence. I spoke about losing confidence in dealing with digital details. Cognitive behavioural therapy was suggested. I spoke about my feeling of losing control, echoes of anxiety and panic that are a legacy of the botched attempt to deal with the first catastrophic nose bleed after the stroke. From my experience, I don't think this can be addressed by reason and will power alone. A minor nose bleed can reawaken the same emotions. It left me wondering if I might benefit from hypnotherapy. Then after a short siesta, I walked in Llandaff Fields. All the chestnut trees are magnificent now, in full leaf with their characteristic 'candle' blossoms, lit up by afternoon sunshine. I went out again after supper to enjoy the sky as the evening light changes the colour of small clouds, and completed my daily step quota. I'm tired this evening, so earlier to be for me.

Appointment annoyance

I woke up from a good night's sleep to a clear blue sky, sunshine and strong gusts of wind making trees in leaf move energetically. Thick light blue and purple lilac blossom appeared from a distance like a banner being waved. A delightful sight. I posted today's Morning Prayer YouTube link to WhatsApp after Thought for the Day, then got up for breakfast feeling rather light headed and slow thinking, even before I took my daily doses of medication. It seems so random.

There were nine of us at the St Catherine's Eucharist in honour of St Catherine of Sienna. Unusually, the high altar reredos hosts figures of Catherine of Alexandria Martyr and Catherine of Sienna Doctor of the Church. It paid homage at the time to Catherine Vaughan, wife of the Dean of Llandaff, a benefactor of the church who laid the foundation stone. After coffee and a chat I returned home. Clare had started cooking lunch already and laid the table in the garden. Fortunately the garden is sheltered enough to allow us to watch the trees dance in the breeze.

A letter arrived from the UHW Cardiology department to arrange wearing an ambulatory blood pressure monitor for twenty four hours. The date given is when we're in Tenby on holiday. I called the appointment booking number to re-arrange it six times, The number rang, but  no reply. I was cut off twice, and got an out-of-office automatic response twice again. I returned a copy of the appointment letter with one of my own reporting this, stating when I am not available and asking for an acknowledgment by email or SMS. I don't look forward to wearing one of those devices as they are so disruptive, day and night and stressful to have to wear. It's hard to see how accurate they can be. There are smart watches that can monitor blood pressure. They may not be as accurate, but either way, what are they going to produce except a lot of high readings which will prompt another medic to recommend a pharmaceutical solution which is reduces my quality of life even further.

Most of today my head felt as if I'd been aroused from deep sleep and not yet woken up, my brain slow and dull. Writing the letter and printing it was an effort in being patient with myself. The task was eased by using my Linux workstation, which is very responsive - no latency. Having to wait for the phone or a Windows device to respond can produce lapses in concentration and transient memory, requiring a repeat of the procedure and train of thought in order to make progress. It's so frustrating and tiring.

Enough for today. Straight to bed now.

I went out and posted the letter I'd written after supper and enjoyed a beautiful pleasant sunset walk under a clear sky streaked with clouds shaped by high pressure air producing random gusts of wind at ground level. It was cold, so I stayed out long enough to complete my step quota on arriving home.