Blocked

I thought I'd have to go out and buy a new fitbit today, but when I woke up at half past seven and picked it up, I found that it had rebooted overnight. The clock time was out by fifteen minutes, but corrected itself once it synced with my phone after switching it on. Such odd behaviour. At least I had what felt like a decent night's sleep, but the benefit of that was short lived. After taking my morning meds the drowsiness and sensation of faintness returned to ruin the day yet again, no matter what I do to mitigate the impact of this drug on my digestive system and brain.

Lucy Winkett's 'Thought for the Day' was about the evil of modern slavery. She started by telling the story of 18th century abolitionist  Ottobah Cugoano, kidnapped as a child at play in Ghana, trafficked to Grenada to be a slave exploited on a sugar plantation, then bought by an English merchant who brought him to England where eventually he gained his freedom, learned to read and write, and published a book witnessing to his experience of slavery, and advocating an end to the slave trade. He joined with his friend, Olaudah Equiano, another freed slave, to campaign for abolition. He began in England by seeking baptism, having understood the Gospel truth that all people are equal in the body of Christ. It gave him confidence to make the case against slavery and people trafficking in a way that reached the hearts and minds of those whose decisions could make a difference by changing the law and setting people free. Two centuries later we're still working at genuine equality for all God's children. Society is still overshadowed by the spectre of racism in different guises.

Mid morning, Clare discovered the kitchen drain was blocked with clumps of congealed and solidified fat and heaven knows what else underground. This happened before - three years ago. Then I was able to clear the blockage after opening up the sewer cover. This time I couldn't. We no longer have suitable tools to open the hatch. There was nothing we could do, apart from calling out a drain clearance service to deal with it. I find it humiliating, being helpless in the face of problems I once took in my stride. Despite the drain crisis, Clare went ahead with cooking a veggie pasta lunch which included freshly picked runner beans from Linda's garden.

At two thirty a woman from SR Drainage arrived in a van equipped with suitable unblocking tools and a device with a video camera and light at the end of a long cable attached to a rugged laptop console. This made it possible to see inside the drain past the choke point, using florescent dyes and record the water flow. The blockage occurred in the opposite direction to the kitchen sink drain to the one I presupposed. Water from upstairs at the back side of the house flows beneath the house and out into the street. I guess the cause of this was the amount of toilet paper I used when I had my last nose bleed. If there's a next time it must go in a bin, not down the toilet.

I walked for an hour in Llandaff Fields at tea time. There was a fresh westerly breeze blowing occasional light showers, but fortunately it stayed dry while I was out.

I had a message from Rachel announcing that today is Jasmine's first day at University in Phoenix. Both grand daughters are now undergraduates! Amazing how time flies.

Trump has announced a campaign of 'economic warfare' against Iran threatening to punish any company that trades with the regime. It's a tacit recognition that America has failed to subdue Iran and take control of the Straight of Hormuz, despite all the aggressive rhetoric of the past few months. His popularity keeps declining along with Republican prospects in the mid term elections.

Trump's excuse for persisting with warmongering is the intention to deprive Iran of the ability to make nuclear weapons. It suggests US intelligence cannot be certain if strikes on Iranian nuclear facilities have been sufficiently successful in destroying the industrial capacity required. And there's the matter of the stockpile of enriched uranium still held by Iran despite the past three months of unfruitful truce negotiations. Is there any prospect of peace in the Middle East until Trump and Netanyahu are voted out of office and replaced by leaders with wisdom and respect for their adversaries not just hatred and contempt?

It rained during supper time and stopped as the sun set, so I went out and walked the streets for half an hour in cool fresh air. The sky was overcast, dusk seemed to arrive unexpectedly.  Leaves dried out by heat and lack of rain are falling early, carpeting grass with golden brown leaves. The rain of recent days has brought back some hint of green to parched turf. A hint of autumn and longer nights to come. Early bed tonight.

Acupuncture to the rescue

Rain again in the night, but the sun shone through parting clouds by the time I got up after a fair night's sleep. My head was clear and my senses sharp to start with, but the meds had their usual toxic effect which I will never get used to. At the Eucharist at St Catherine's with nine others, I found it hard to concentrate and engage. Over coffee afterwards Sue noticed and asked me if I was all right. I had to admit I was in a drugged stupor, hearing everything but finding it hard to engage and respond. 

Afterwards, I went across the road to the GP surgery for the phlebotomist to take blood for testing after last week's failed attempt to extract any from me. OK this time. I cooked rice with prawns and veg for lunch, then walked to Parkwood clinic for an acupuncture appointment. It was certainly effective. I felt as if an invisible wrapping had been removed from me, restoring my senses and sensitivity, although my head still wasn't clear. I walked home in a tired way, without a spring in my step, but feeling better nevertheless.

After supper, I walked up and down Llandaff Fields and got caught in a shower of light rain. It was quite a pleasant experience. Then we watched a documentary about the scandal of PCB pollution and high level cover up of the ever present danger of carcinogenic chemicals dumped by Monsanto Chemicals in the soil at different sites around the country, including a couple of sites in the South Wales valleys. It was presented by actor Michael Sheen, who got to know whistleblower Douglas Gowan before his death and filmed an interview with him. Very disturbing watching.

I put my fitbit on charge before getting ready for bed. When I came to check it had charged I found that it was dead after only three years in daily use.

Escalation resumes

I woke up in the night and heard the sound of rainwater dripping from the gutter outside my window. Even so, I had a good night's sleep - not quite refreshing as it took me a while to chase away sleepiness when I got up. As part of breakfast I had a slice of bread covered in olive oil, mixed with cayenne pepper to stimulate my digestion, faced with the assault on my stomach of the medication. If this reduced the impairment of my senses and slowness of reactions, I might be able to concentrate better and be more confident in getting on with everyday life.

The morning sky was full of clouds on the move, so more rain is likely. The official drought has lasted three weeks after a longer dry spell, before summer heatwaves dried vegetation to the point that it easily catches fire. Hopefully there won't be monsoon like cloudbursts that dry ground cannot absorb, causing flash floods. 

Yesterday the sixty day period of negotiation between America and Iran expired without agreement being reached. Trump is demanding surrender. Iran has closed the Straight of Hormuz until the US lifts its naval blockade of Iranian ports, releases Iranian frozen assets and stops military threats. Trump has threatened to bomb US ally Oman if it gets in the way of American efforts to dominate the Straight of Hormuz. Oman recently helped to facilitate a safe passage for shipping through the Straight. What does Trump hope to achieve by his unpredictable coercive behaviour, especially as American polls show his approval rating is low? The conflict is escalating again. The price of oil has gone up again and America will suffer economically. American stocks of armaments are running low, and Iran still hasn't relinquished control of its geographically strategic waterway. What will happen in the mid-term congressional elections if the Republicans lose control in both Houses?

The US backed Gaza peace plan depends on the disarmament of Hamas, the withdrawal of Israeli troops and the rebuilding of Gaza under a new Palestinian civil administration, but Netanyahu obstructs progress, distrusting Hamas to honour any peace deal. Israel is now attacking Syrian targets as well. Is Netanyahu advertising his independent and belligerent stance with forthcoming elections in mind? 

I started thinking about the time I spent in Jerusalem back in 2000, wondering what happened to any writing I did when I was there. I can't remember what sort of record I made or in what format. In a digital archive of the year 2000 I found a copy of an email written as I was about to return from Jerusalem which sums up and reflects on the experience. If there's more, I have yet to locate it.

After lunch and a rest, I went to Tesco's and bought a packet of cayenne pepper, as I used up the remainder of a small spice jar at breakfast this morning. The piano tuner was in session when I got home, so I went out again and walked up and down Llandaff Fields until supper time to complete my daily distance.

We watched another intriguing episode of 'Fake or Fortune' again after supper. It was about identifying a sixteenth century Venetian depiction of the pieta which had been hanging in Tunstall Parish church in  rural Lancashire for two centuries. Cleaning and restoration of the painting revealed its history and led to its attribution in another amazing piece of historical detective work to Francesco Montemezzano of the school of Tintoretto. It's now valued at £100,000. I imagine this must add considerably to the cost of church security and insurance. Glad I don't have to worry about things like that any more.

Cayenne

After a good night's sleep, I woke up to an overcast sky. A cooling breeze from the north and west brings with it the prospect of much needed rain. It's been a very demanding weekend for firefighters bringing wildfires under control across the heights of the South Wales coalfield plateau through which the Valleys were carved by the Ice Age. Seeing fires rage on hilltops above towns and villages must be a terrifying experience. A change of wind direction has driven the stench from fires north of Cardiff in an easterly direction. Even if rain is plentiful when it arrives, it will take time to extinguish upland peat fires kindled by vegetation burning above ground. The emergency services teamwork response to this widespread major incident has been brilliant, admirable.

Rachel sent me a link to a short YouTube video recommending the medicinal use of cayenne pepper in small doses to stimulate blood circulation and promote wound healing. It sounded quirky, but it made me wonder if it would help me, given that some of the side effects of the medication I'm taking is to upset my stomach and give me a mild headache. The medication was already having its negative effect, making me drowsy and faint if not dizzy. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, I thought, and took a pinch of cayenne. It must work on the stomach, as it dispersed the drowsiness and left me feeling to some extent, less worse.

We shared the cooking of lunch. I went to bed and slept for an hour afterwards, then we walked up to the Padel courts and had a cup of tea in the Square and Fair cafe next door. 

An email arrived from Alan Stott to say they'd been spared the wildfire in Stourbridge, although it broke out in a coppice not far from where he lives. He thought it was a bonfire when it started, he said.

I went out again after supper and walked up and down Llandaff Fields to complete my daily distance. I drizzled olive oil on a slice of Clare's bread and mixed some cayenne pepper into it, for an experiment. It tasted quite pleasant. Maybe I haven't been so drowsy today, but the mild background headache hasn't gone away. 

Gracelands album celebrated

A warm sunny day, following quite a good refreshing night's sleep, not that the feeling lasted long. Once I took the medication I felt the usual sensation of faintness and drowsiness combined, making everything an effort. Thankfully it doesn't affect my breathing or my heart, I just feel unwell. We went to the Eucharist at St Catherine's after breakfast with about three dozen others. Sadly attendance is low in school holidays. 

As well as selling produce from the church garden after the service, Hilary has been busy making chutney and grape jelly - the grapes are from a vine in the garden of the Robin Hood pub which backs on to the church garden. Clare bought a jar of the grape jelly. Now we have to decide which cheese meat or fish goes best with it.

We had cold cooked trout for lunch. Afterwards, I slept for an hour afterwards, then walked in Llandaff Fields until tea time. The sky was clouding over and the air cooler, but it will be several days more before there's any prospect of the drought ending. Soldiers are supporting firefighters in bringing wildfires under control in 14 places across Wales. There was a huge wildfire in Stourbridge yesterday destroying several homes. Our friends Alan and Marin live there. I sent them a message of concern and had no reply. The phone line was busy when I called. I hope they're safe.

Another short walk after supper to clear my head. The setting sun turned small fluffy clouds a salmon pink colour. Then I joined Clare watching the BBC Proms concert tribute to Paul Simon's 'Graceland' album, forty years after it was released, starring the Ladysmith Black Mamabaza choir and a couple of singers I hadn't heard of before. I had the impression the tempo at which upbeat songs were taken was faster than my musical memory recalled. Is it a reflection of an ageing 'stroke brain' I wonder? A wonderful concert.

Tragedy on the Assumption

Overcast and muggy this morning. I slept fairly well and woke up in time for an interesting reflection on the Feast of the Assumption on 'Thought for the Day'. In passing, Catherine Pepinster spoke about Pope Pius XI issuing an encyclical in German in 1937 publicly criticising nazism and condemning the  Kristallnacht pogrom in 1938. His successor Pius XII chose not to be outspoken but reticent, perhaps to avoid full scale persecution of the church. He used Vatican diplomatic networks to facilitate the rescue of Jews from the nazis, and he passed intelligence to the Allies on German military plans, and plots to depose Hitler. Both men in different ways expressed abhorrence for anti-semitism, acknowledging that Jesus was born of a Jewish mother, honoured after her death as 'Queen of Heaven' among all the saints.

Today's news reported the death by suicide of Jason Arday a young black autistic Cambridge professor of Sociology whose story of emerging from a childhood with severe learning difficulties into a brilliant scholar made him a celebrity. He was then criticised for plagiarism by other scholars and investigated, leading him to resign his post and take his own life. He had been in contact with colleague and friend Sir Simon Baron-Cohen, director of the Autism Research Centre at Cambridge, who knew and understood his situation and offered him support, exchanging messages on WhatsApp just before he died. In an interview on the BBC 'Today' programme Sir Simon spoke of Jason's vulnerability and asked what measures were in effect for safeguarding a vulnerable autistic man. Hostile criticism on social media from fellow academics, amplified by an avalanche of press reports helped create an intolerable situation for him, ending in tragedy. 

Yet again, another high status trusted public institution has questions to answer about its safeguarding policies. It's not just the church that gets  it wrong and struggles to deal with issues of concern in a society where competitive success and status is valued more than collaboration, mutual support and compassion.

The sky cleared and the sun shone as we walked to the Secret Garden Cafe in Bute Park for lunch. I had a disappointing ham and salad sandwich in a large seeded bun whose dough was so rubbery I needed a knife and fork to cut it open, let alone bite into. Impossible to do without ejecting the salad content. And it was garnished with salad cream rather than mayonnaise!

Clare called at Jason's greengrocer's on our way home, I stopped outside to wait for her by the Hot Pantry Bakery. One of the shop workers was putting unsold fresh bread and custard slices on a table outside for passers-by to take for free, as the shop was closing. She noticed me standing waiting nearby and to my surprise offered me a loaf and a couple of custard slices in a box. An unexpected tea time treat!

I needed the exercise, but the medication made my head swim, and this made walking an effort. It felt like an out-of-body experience. I went to bed exhausted and slept for an hour when we got home. I watched some of the Mass of the Assumption live streamed from St David's Metropolitan Cathedral, having been unable to find the site and logging in late. The stream was jerky and slow, buffering a lot, perhaps due to high demand. After supper I walked around the block to get some fresh air in a vain effort to clear my head. Is it just the drugs, or did my last stressful experience of A&E impede my stroke recovery in some unconsidered way?

Appreciation

A thin layer of high cloud to start the day with, warm and muggy, but not as hot as yesterday. A good night's sleep, nearly eight hours, though I still felt sleepy after breakfast due to the meds taking effect. When I woke up this morning I found myself remembering and appreciating people in times past. After breakfast I wrote an email to my friend Valdo in Aigle Switzerland. We met in Geneva thirty three years ago when he was pastor of the Parish of Bossey and Chaplain to the WCC's Ecumenical Institute. We visited Taize together skied in the Jura together, and shared an enthusiasm for tech' innovation. I felt that I wanted to thank him for being a good friend, interpreting Swiss protestant society and culture for me as we made our home in a world so different and yet so similar to mine. Although our church communities were so different pastoral life and being a pastor give us far more in common than I realised.

A thick envelope arrived from British Gas Home Care this morning with information about the services it alleges we signed up for when our fridge went through a temperature crisis last month. Clare had a talk with a tele-salesman enquiring about the service and wasn't aware of engaging in a contract as a result of the call, but it was a morning of confusion and misunderstandings with no opportunity to review the process. We unintentionally committed to a monthly direct debit of £30.35 to pay for household equipment maintenance which we don't need and are reluctant to afford. I don't know how this could happen without authorization and am very bothered about it, however well intentioned it aims to be for older people. It presumes to add this amount to our monthly gas bill, which debits our account for a similar sum for energy. Clare called British Gas Home Care and cancelled the contract, and was charged a cancellation fee of over thirty quid.

I cooked savoury chick peas and rice for our lunch. Whan I was rsting afterwards I had a phone reminder to collect my next batch of medication from the pharmacy. Then we went into town to visit Santander Bank to cancel the direct debit, but were told that the first direct debit has to go through before the cancellation can take effect, so we have to return to the bank later and check with the bank at the end of the month that the direct debit has been cancelled. I failed to grasp the nature of what is in effect an extra household 'insurance'. Drug induced slow down of my mental faculties makes it much more difficult to retain complex detail and stay in control of my affairs. Fortunately this hasn't happened to Clare, apart from memory loss. It's distressing in any case.

Before returning home, we had a drink in the John Lewis top floor cafe, where I reminisced about the days when the city centre was redeveloped and I attended the topping out and opening ceremonies for the building in which sipped our drinks. What a privilege it was to be a pastor in the city centre and witness the transformation of the heart of the city between 2006 and 2009!

We had a call from Rachel telling us about the new apartment in Cornville she's about to move into, sending us photos and a little video of her home to be. The landscape is greener, not arid, and it's cooler. While we chatted, a fire alert sounded on our phones, intervening in the call. The message was first issued in Welsh and rendered into digital speech pronounced in the most horrible anglicised Welsh. An utter disgrace. I hope there's a torrent of complaints from the public. It was as bad as satnav Welsh. No excuse for this. Or is it revealing the limits of what AI can do in the real world?

After supper, as the sun was setting, I walked up and down Llandaff Fields, appreciating the cooling breeze. Then we watched an interesting episode of 'Fake or Fortune' about authenticating two paintings by Gainsborough before getting ready for bed.

Staying out of the heat

I must have been tired last night as I forgot to switch my phone off at bed time. At three in the morning a call came in from Rachel who accidentally 'pocket dialled' me, into a conference call while talking to a third party. I got up after listening to Lucy Winkett on 'Thought for the Day' mediating on the solar eclipse and went to the pharmacy after breakfast to renew my prescription, which I should have done yesterday, but was distracted from doing so by my GP appointment. The amount of time it takes to process a request put me at risk of running out of meds the doctor insists are obligatory and life saving, despite the awful effect they have on me. Fortunately the pharmacist, knowing the vital one is in stock fast tracked the order, so I'll get them tomorrow afternoon.

It's another hot day today under a clear sky. It was about 27C when I walked to the pharmacy, 30C by the time I got home even higher later. The drought continues and with it the prospect of more wildfires. 

Fran and Marc came around for a wide ranging discussion about a presentation she's preparing about the meaning of the symbolism in the icon of the Holy Trinity. Marc will accompany her reflections with meditative violin music. It's something they've done before successfully with other icons. It is perhaps the most challenging one so far. It starts by focusing on the symbolism of the icon of 'the Hospitality of Abraham' and its mystical significance. How this works out will be interesting to see. After an hour and a half of talking I was pretty tired and slept for nearly two hours after a quick pasta lunch prepared by Clare.

As I've stopped preparing Morning Prayer videos, I've not used either of my Windows laptops for sound or video editing for several weeks, and thought I should run them to let Windows update itself. I started the Honor laptop when I sat down to listen to the Five O'clock news, and was astonished to find the updating process took an hour and a half. Perhaps it's more noticeable if updating occurs in the background while you're working. I'll have to time the updating of the Dell laptop when I next get around to switching it on.

I walked a circuit of Llandaff Fields for an hour after supper when the sun was going down and a cooling breeze was blowing. I had little energy to do anything more, it was time for early bed

Eclipse missed - just

A poor night's sleep awakened at first light by my irritated gut. I called the surgery at eight and got a face to face appointment at eleven forty. It meant I could go to church beforehand. Another hot day without rain, pushing back against drowsiness to get to St Catherine's for the Eucharist with a dozen others. In the absence of Fr Sion it was celebrated by Mthr Alison Dummer, Cathedral Curate and former URC minister, like her husband Mark, who was with her in the congregation. We chatted after the service, mainly about medication. Mark has heart problems and had to retire early some years ago on that account. Inevitably ailments are one of the main topics of conversation among older people.

My GP appointment was with Dr Jordan to whom I explained my medication woes. It would have been a lot more precise if I'd remembered to take with me the notes I prepared. Anyway, she's initiating a medication review, to see whether a lower dosage or a different version would have less of an impairing impact on my quality of life.  I called in the Coop after coffee and chat, to buy kefir but there was none in stock. After a podiatry appointment, Clare was already back home cooking lunch when I arrived. She went to town afterwards, and I slept in my armchair for nearly an hour. I could have done with more.

I had a phone call from fellow stroke sufferer Kath, a school friend of our Kath. She had a disabling stroke in her forties limiting her mobility, but lives independently and adventurously, with humour and great positivity. It was good to hear from her and chat about the challenges confronting us. as we attempt to live as normal a life as possible regardless of disability. I escaped the worst effects of a stroke and made what the medics regard as 'an excellent recovery' the one concern I have is the impact of medication side effects that really impair my quality of life. I've adjusted to a slower pace of life, the limitations of travel and to some extent the amount of stimulus I can tolerate without being overwhelmed. I need to regain confidence in handling my financial affairs. This is related to my ability to concentrate and pay attention to detail. This is where I need patience and reduction of anxiety. I need to overcome my fear of making mistakes. It could simply be a matter of getting used to a familiar set of routines again to re-establish confidence. I'm not under pressure. I hope time will heal.

The solar eclipse arrived at tea time. I got glimpses of it using the black end of strip of film negative, but didn't have the means to take photos. I watched the moon move into the sun's disc, then went indoors to eat some cold chicken for supper. When I went out to look again the sun was already at the rooftops and the moon was exiting the sun's disc, so we missed the eclipse climax entirely. And all my photos were over exposed, hardly worth keeping. How disappointing. Owain sent me a good photo he took with his phone using his eclipse glasses to filter out the sun's glare.

I've done a lot of intense talking today, so early bed is a necessity.

St Clare's day shooting stars

Another bright sunny day with a clear sky. It's Clare's name day today - St Clare of Assisi.

Wales and regions of England are declaring a state of drought, there's been so little rain for so long. There have been record high temperatures in addition, and the rate at which the climate is heating up is increasing. The human race is reaping the reward of its own foolishness and greed now. Egotistical warmongers continue to push people and nations into fighting each other with no regard for the immense battle for survival of the very environment which we rely on for our existence.

 I slept fairly well and unusually the morning medications didn't make me feel very drowsy or slow, just clear headed. I had a GP surgery appointment for a blood test which I thought was at ten but turned out to be at eleven. I thought the blood test was followed by an appointment with a doctor, but something went wrong. It was alleged that I had missed the appointment, but that's not what my diary said. I was offered a telephone consultation at an unspecified time later in the day. I went home and had a coffee, then returned for the blood test. The nurse couldn't draw blood from either arm, probably as a result of the heat, even though I'd taken the trouble to drink plenty of water beforehand. 

She found however, that my blood pressure was normal, despite a brisk walk to get there punctually a second time. I don't know why surgery admin doesn't send an SMS message to confirm an appointment booking, as it would reduce the possibility of communication errors. The day passed with no call from the doctor. Did the receptionist say that I should call for a telephone appointment? Did I miss that? When someone is behind a screen speaking fast and indistinctly with a high pitched voice I may miss words. The drugs don't help, still slowing down my thought processes when I start to get tired.

Rachel posted her collection of pictures from our anniversary dinner on WhatsApp. I shared the text of my anniversary eulogy with the family. Clare cooked swordfish steaks for lunch, with blackberry crumble left over from the weekend for pudding. No wonder I slept in my armchair afterwards. Then I went to Tesco's and bought chicken pieces to cook. I haven't had any meat in my diet for a while, and thought the change would do me good.

After supper, I watched an episode of 'Gavin and Stacey, with Clare, then a short walk for some fresh air. Before going up to bed, I sat outside in the garden looking up at the sky, hoping for a chance encounter with one of the thousands of Perseid meteorites that are due to reveal themselves this evening. A high level layer of thin cloud or maybe mist robbed the sky of clarity with only a handful of bright stars visible. It was cool and quiet, but I saw nothing more than the few fixed lights of far off heavenly bodies. My memory of lying on my back watching under a dark sky in a field in Picardy fifty years ago is still vivid. It will have to do.

Parting of the ways

Another terrible night's sleep for me. I took a bed blocker in the small hours to dim the adrenaline effect on my heartbeat. Not that it made much difference to the way I feel after medication. Rachel left us for the coach station at five to eight. Clare went with her. I wasn't in a fit state so early after a bad night. 

Talyann and Rhiannon were next to leave for Manchester. Then Kath encouraged me to set up a Lasting Power of Attorney mandate, which I paid for, downloaded and printed. Two of them, Twenty two pages each. Our next door neighbour Gwydion came in and witnessed the signatures, a complex routine masterminded by Kath who possesses advanced bureaucratic skills gained from her Arts admin experience. Then Kath and Anto started their journey to Kenilworth, giving Owain a lift as far as Central station. 

Then suddenly, the house was quiet, with just Clare and I remaining to ponder on our memories of a lovely family weekend, full of laughter, good food and story telling. Lack of sleep and the toxic effect of the medication impaired the whole experience for me, slowing my reactions, isolating me, pushing me into myself when I struggled to be outgoing and responsive to this unique occasion in our long life together. After lunch I downloaded the rest of the photos I took, and shared the album with the others. By the time I went to the Co-op for bananas and yoghurt mid afternoon, my head began to clear, which was a relief. I went out again after supper and walked for half an hour as the sun was setting. I don't know what I ate that gave me the most terrible wind and mild nausea, but it discouraged me from walking further. I had difficulty swallowing a slow release capsule after eating. I wonder if it broke open early in my stomach and its content reacted with food yet to be digested. It was most unpleasant. I hate these capsules, which give me hiccups, wind, reflux and diharrea. They kill off gut flora too and I need to eat live yoghurt a couple of times a day to prevent palpitations and headache. The medication is aggressive and too strong, or is the dosage too high. I'm seeing the GP tomorrow and will report all this. I'm hoping for a better night's sleep tonight - gut permitting.

Anniversary lunch

Clare and I shared the double bed last night to make room for guests. I went to bed tired and lost nearly three hour's sleep. This made the impact of the medications even worse than usual. Before going to church I had to walk to Tesco's to withdraw cash to have money to put on the collection plate. It was an effort given how tired I was feeling, and it took a long time for my pulse to settle down once I stopped moving. I went straight home after the service, and attempted to catch up on sleep in my armchair. It didn't help much, and the rest of the day was a struggle against drowsiness.

Rhiannon and Talyann arrived from Manchester at one, then we took a taxi to Church Street in the city centre to a restaurant called 'The Botanist' where Kath and Anto were waiting for us in a rooftop bar. A private dining area was booked for the eight of us in one corner of the top floor restaurant where we had an excellent long lunch, long partly because the service was slow.  It was a struggle to concentrate with the noise of several exuberant conversations going on. It was lovely to be with the family, but I was a passive rather than active participant in table talk.

Rachel reminded us that she returns to America tomorrow. The thought of this really upset me and I had to walk out rather than disrupt the meal ending for others. Rachel and I walked home together, and we were reunited with the rest of the family for celebratory chocolate cake with dark cherries and soya cream with a cup of tea sitting in the garden. I recited a Wedding Anniversary eulogy I'd written for the occasion. It was too noisy in the restaurant, but the intimate space of Clare's garden seemed just right in the end. We sat outside until it was uncomfortably cool, then moved indoors for a snack supper and a little music making before turning in for the night after a very special family day, for which I'll be eternally grateful. 

Family reunion weekend.

A good night's sleep, feeling clear and refreshed when I got up. We had pancakes for breakfast, with batter made with spelt flour, which doesn't bind together well unless an egg is added. Clare cooked one batch and I cooked another and the result was fine. I didn't get any ill effects from the egg content. Somehow my gut, minus gall bladder, has adjusted to digesting modest amounts of dairy products. My body certainly hasn't got used to the clot dispersal medication. An hour after taking it, the usual symptom of intoxication hit me and stayed with me for the next eight hours.

Kath, Anto and Rachel arrived at half past three, after a slow journey in heavy traffic all the way, adding an extra hour to their journey. After a cup of tea, we walked in Pontcanna Fields and took a group photo with the help of passers by. Rachel and I turned back at Sophia Gardens, as I didn't have the energy to go any further. The others continued walking into town to the Park Plaza hotel where Kath and Anto are staying this weekend to make room for the rest of the family when they arrive for our anniversary banquet tomorrow.

Owain called but we didn't hear the phone ringing, as we were just sitting down to the supper Rachel cooked for us. He's got a gig in Bristol tonight, but with be with us tomorrow. Afterwards, we sat in the lounge and made music until it was time for Kath and Anto to walk back to the Park Plaza hotel. Then it was time for us to bring the day to a happy conclusion

One small achievement

I woke up to another clear bright and sunny day. I lost three and a half hour's sleep last night due to wind pains and bowel discomfort that left me lying awake, feeling anxious for no reason at all. There's been no change in my diet or bug to upset my stomach. It's a persistent pernicious side effect of the clot busting drug. I woke up feeling clear and sharp, tempted to skip the medication, but took it as usual with breakfast. On this occasion the light headedness returned but my head remained clear. 

Still pondering on our wedding, I remembered my best man Mike, who died eight years and a half years ago and phoned Gail his widow for a chat. Her eldest grandson is about to start university. Her grand daughter is a choral scholar in Salisbury. Mike would be delighted to think that musicality runs in the family genes.

I cooked sardines for lunch with spring cabbage and potatoes, then went to bed for an hour afterwards in the hope of recovering from lost sleep. I rested but didn't drop off.

Clare wanted to print a recent photo of Kath and Rachel received on WhatsApp. She couldn't download the picture directly to her phone to copy to her Linux laptop for printing. I found it had been backed up to Google Photos automatically, and wasn't given the option to copy it to a location from where I could transfer it to her laptop. I loaded Chromium browser on her laptop and found the picture in Google Photos, from where I could download and print it. But there was a snag. 

First, I had to log in to Clare's Google account where I encountered a new unavoidable security imposition. It insisted on setting up two factor log-in account authorisation, which entails entering the password and receiving a code by email to confirm the identity of the password user. Unexpected and fiddly to say the least. Retaining concentration to do this correctly in my light-headed slow thinking state was an unexpected challenge. I managed not to panic and succeeded in the task. Finding the photo, downloading and printing it from Google Photos was straightforward after that. Now we have a lovely new framed picture of our daughters on the lounge book shelf, along with another of both our granddaughters.

We went for a walk around Llandaff Fields before supper, enjoying the sunshine and the mild evening air, and I went out again as sunset approached, for a little fresh air and exercise before bed.

Wedding day recalled

Sunshine and clouds carried by the west wind when I woke up clear headed but not well rested from an average night of disturbed sleep. The effect of the medication yet again ruined my day with drowsiness and a light headedness which makes me feel faint and unsteady, though I never come close to passing out.

Sad not to be able to attend the Eucharist today. I was going to watch the Mass live streamed from St David's Cathedral, but dozed off in my drugged condition, got distracted when I woke up, and started cooking lunch instead.

On two occasions in the afternoon, I walked a circuit of Llandaff Fields in an effort to clear my head with little success, but it was reassuring to see the grass reviving thanks to rain showers over the past few days.

Sixty years married today - so many stories, so much to remember and cherish. Kath phoned on her way to work, and we had a lovely video greeting from Veronica and a phone call from Marc and Fran. I exchanged messages with Amanda and Frank Dall as well. His daughter Tania is getting married this autumn. He's afflicted with a disabling spinal condition, but is looking forward to walking her down the aisle.

We spent a quiet evening together pondering on our wedding. Very few people are left who were guests, Frank being one of them. our dear late friend David Barker took black and white photos which are among our cherished treasures. I started to write a poem about how Clare and I met. Hopefully by the time we have our anniversary lunch on Sunday it'll be worth reading aloud to our family.

Anniversary anticipated

Eight and a half hours of good sleep certainly refreshed me and I started the day feeling clear and sharp, cheered by the clear blue sky. It didn't last, once I took my daily medication my brain clouded over and left me with the 'toxic head' that slows me down and reduces my ability to function normally. One thing that mitigates the toxic sensation is a dose of kefir yoghourt to calm the gut. I take some with breakfast, but by the end of the morning the sensation returns. If I take another dose before lunch the symptoms are relieved.

Iran and Oman are finalizing a safe route for shipping through the Straight of Hormuz, on condition the US naval blockade of Iranian ports is lifted. Houthi militias are still targeting Red Sea shipping, attacking Saudi tankers. Israel and Hezbollah in Lebanon continue to attack each other, with the risk of Iran reacting by stopping traffic through the Straight of Hormuz, so the situation in the Middle East remains unstable and uncertain.

Rachel left us to take the train to Kenilworth after breakfast. Clare and I went to St Catherine's for the Eucharist, to give thanks for sixty years of marriage. Disappointingly, there's no service in the Ministry Area to celebrate the Feast of the Transfiguration tomorrow, so we have to make do with today's service commemorating St Oswald instead. Fr Andrew was scheduled to celebrate so I asked if he'd pronounce the beautiful 'Common Worship' Nuptial Blessing over us after we received Communion and printed a copy of the text for him to use, which he did - 'fulfilling all righteousness' as Scripture says, in other words doing justice to the occasion. Indeed, we have so much to give thanks for, a family that gives us joy and delight, so many adventures and challenges overcome, for better and for worse. How could we not be grateful for all the blessings we have received? I was delighted to receive a congratulatory text message from Ruth Honey of the local branch of the Mothers' Union. Fr Andrew must have mentioned this in the service at St John's following ours.

I had an acupuncture appointment immediately after lunch and had to rush to get there. I was five minutes late, lacking the energy to pick up the pace. Or else, I picked the slightly longer less direct route without realising. I'm better as a result of last week's treatment, and think today's will lead to further improvement.

I had a call from the GP surgery in response to my letter to book me in for an appointment straight after I have my blood test next Tuesday. This will give me an opportunity to emphasise what a negative impact the current medication dosage is having on me. Rachel established with the local pharmacy that a lower dosage of the clot busting medication is available. Would that make a different, as it seems I'm so sensitive to these drugs.

My head cleared enough for me to walk for half an hour up and down Llandaff Fields before supper. It's quite breezy this evening, as cool at 18C. Clare went out early to the cinema in Chapter to see Christopher Nolan's new movie 'The Odyssey'. I didn't go with her as I know from previous painful experience that I can't tolerate the loudness of the high definition sound system. A quiet evening for me, at home alone and early bed

Rain relief

A good eight hours of sleep last night. I hope this reflects recovery from the vicious cycle of lost sleep over the past month. Better sleep means a less distressing effect from the medication. I took advantage of this to walk up and down Llandaff Fields mid-morning. Rachel joined me and we did chi gong exercises under in the shadow of the trees.

Clare needed persuading by Rachel and I not to pursue a conversation with a tele-sales person with whom she made contact about installing solar panels. She forgot that last year we didn't pursue a solar installation project because the orientation of Meadow Street roofing doesn't offer optimum exposure for solar panels, even for new generation high efficiency panels. If the return on investment was attractive enough there would be many houses with panels installed in the street but none are visible. House owners are investing in loft conversions and roof re-tiling. The evidence for adoption isn't there. 

It's warm and cloudy today with an occasional shower of rain before lunch and a more prolonged shower after. It's much needed as the turf is parched. It'll be interesting to see the colour transformation as the grass absorbs water. I've been fairly inactive today, though not due to the distressing drowsiness of recent weeks, which has made me anxious sometimes. Worry free rest and relaxation is what I need most now.

After supper we made music again, with the three of us playing together. Rachel, inspired by watching the Eisteddfod on telly, learning a few melodies known to Clare and I, including how to sing and play 'Calon Lan'. I notice how stiff my hands and wrists are. With Rachel being here I've played guitar more than I have done for months. My hands are stiff from exercising them. An hour of playing was very enjoyable, but enough of an effort, mental and physical, to make me wind down and start my bedtime routine by half past nine.

Lunch with friends

Thankfully seven hours of good sleep, leaving me clear headed and fairly sharp. Initially, the impact of the morning medication wasn't as heavy as on previous days. Still light headed but not as drowsy. I stayed in, to wait for a GP phone call which never came. By lunchtime the effect of the medication worsened leaving me unable to focus on anything useful. Rachel busied herself investigating piping adaptors for use with our incompatible American sourced bidet on Amazon and figured out a possible workaround. I wasn't able to participate in this process as my brain was unable to grasp and work with the details. Is this due to the drugs or to damage done by the stress of my last admission to A&E? Are the medics interest once you're out of the door and theoretically in someone's hands?

Fran and Marc came to lunch. It was good to have Rachel with us as she too has known Marc for many years. After lunch we made music together, with Marc borrowing Clare's grandpa's fiddle, Rachel and I on guitar. Part of the session was figuring out from memory the accompaniment to 'Sweet Georgia Brown, which Marc is currently learning as a tribute to Stefan Grapelli. Great fun! I greatly enjoyed this, though it was hard pushing back against the 'toxic head' impact.

Rachel and I went for a walk in Llandaff Fields after supper, where she started picking blackberries at dusk. I had to come home before her as physical tiredness took hold of me. It was dark before she returned with half a kilo's worth in a plastic bag. The last foraging expedition yielded a pot of beautifully flavoured blackberry coulis and a blackberry and apple crumble, shared with Fran and Marc at lunchtime. I wonder what she'll do with the latest batch?

Sleep respite

I went to bed last night at ten and woke up this morning at nine, with few of the usual interruptions, over nine hours of actual sleep! I don't recall when I last had such a restful night. I had a clear head to start with until the medication took effect and robbed me of sharpness. 

I can't believe the difference between last night and the previous night. I fell asleep before taking a beta blocker and only woke up to pee a few times, and had no anxiety sensations. I think I must have crossed over a relaxation threshold, allowing me to benefit from catching up more of my recent lost sleep.

Clare and I went to the Eucharist at St Catherine's. Afterwards I apologised to Fr Siôn for pulling out from service taking and engagement in the WhatsApp Daily Prayer video thread. He was most understanding. Rowan's wife Jane also stopped and asked about my condition, she was aware no doubt that he'd been recruited to stand in for me in Siôn's absence.

Rachel cooked us a magnificently tasty salmon dish for lunch. I was compelled to sleep again afterwards. Rachel and Clare sat drinking tea in the garden with a neighbour's daughter while I was in bed. It was pleasantly warm and sunny when we walked to Llandaff Fields to forage for blackberries. Frustratingly, it was a matter of endurance for me as the toxic effect of the clot busting medication was so pronounced. Hopefully I'll get an opportunity to discuss this with the GP when she calls tomorrow.

Ashley called for a chat after supper. He has increasing trouble from a hernia and is pressing UHW for emergency surgery as he's been parked in an elective surgery waiting queue. He's acquired a new Freely digi-boxes which works independently with Android and other TVs to display a range of free to air TV channels - the kind of device which internet packages with TV subscriptions normally offer. He's going to acquire one for us. By the time we finished chatting, it was time to get ready for bed.

Guitar memories

That was the worst night's sleep I've had since I was in hospital. Getting to sleep was the problem. No bad dreams or digestive grumbles, but every time I relaxed and drifted off I was jerked awake, not by noise or physical discomfort but by that imperceptible signalling from heart muscle to brain called 'sleep apnea'. I remember a cardiologist telling me that I had a faulty electrical signal in my heart and that I'd need to have a pacemaker fitted eventually. I didn't connect it with random episodes of sudden wakefulness at the time, however. I think it may happen sometimes when I'm dozing in my armchair too. I noticed it last night as the beta blocker worked to mute the volatility of my blood pressure. I drifted through the night breathing deeply on the edge of consciousness, as this seemed to help. When I didn't breathe deeply I'd drop off for a second and wake up suddenly. I began to wonder if I was going to last the night. It drove me to get up in the early hours, make a pass code checklist, and find my bank account details, to give me peace of mind, and make it easier for someone else to deal with the chaos unleashed if I didn't survive the night.

Needless to say, I was half asleep all morning. The only thing I did was to write a note to my GP reporting what had happened and request another telephone conversation. Clare and Rachel went to Screwfix in the business park by Tesco Extra in search of Bidet pipe adaptors. I took the letter I wrote to the GP surgery and had a short walk on my way home.

After supper, Rachel got her 'cello out and I got my guitar out and we played together, while reminiscing about the family. I've rarely felt motivated to play on my own in recent years. Playing guitar was part of my public ministry from early on. I didn't perform for the sake of it or for fun as I did when the children were growing up. In empty nest years and in retirement, I've placed less and less. I guess music making has always been a social thing for me. After the stroke, I found that my ability to play hadn't been impaired, it was a matter of being out of practice. Hand-eye co-ordination was initially an issue due to my peripheral vision being affected, but fingering the frets to make chords is mostly a matter of feel for positions and this has to be recovered by practice, the fingers reminding you of what you learned. Having Rachel with us has inspired me to return to playing, and remembering wonderful family times.

Still at risk

Warm and cloudy today, getting up feeling that I'd not slept as much as I needed to on six and a half hours sleep. Whenever that happens, I feel worse after taking the morning meds. I had a text message from the GP surgery telling me to make contact about my blood test results. It was too late for a 'book on the day' appointment. I was offered one in two weeks time. I protested to the receptionist that I was feeling unwell now and asked if a telephone appointment to discuss the blood test results would be possible, and this was granted. 

Dr Jordan called just after midday, and reported on my blood test. Liver and Kidney function OK, haemoglobin count a little low, due to blood loss. Another blood test next week to check the haemoglobin has returned to normal. I told her about the impact of the beta blockers, and how I stopped taking them once the nose wound began to heal, also about the distressing impact of the clot dispersal meds whenever my sleep quality is poor. I asked what could be done to reduce dosage or prescribe something else that wouldn't hit me so hard. No answer yet. She wants me to have another attempt at wearing a blood pressure monitor 24/7. I told her I had no confidence in the process and recounted what happened last time I was due to be monitored, when the combined effect of the medications made me so unwell I had to cancel the appointment, and write to UHW cardiology as the unit's contact numbers weren't being answered. 

Well, at least I know my kidney and liver functions are what's expected. I like to think that's due to having acupuncture while I was still in shock and deeply fatigued. 

Rachel spent the morning re-varnishing the garden shed, bless her. After lunch, Clare and Rachel went off to hunt for plumbing adaptors. I dozed in my armchair, and while I did my head cleared of the worst of the wooziness, encouraging me to go out and get some fresh air. I went up and down Llandaff Fields for three quarters of an hour, in a mild cooling breeze. Very pleasant.

When Clare and Rachel returned from shopping we had an early supper before going to Chapter Arts Centre to a surprise birthday celebration for Fran organised by Marc to cheer her up, since she broke her wrist recently and is burdened with a heavy plaster. After greeting her with a big hug I returned home, as I didn't feel well enough to cope with the noise and stimulus of a social gathering. All three of us left home without our mobile phones, so Rachel returned with me to collect hers, but left without Clare's which was still on charge.

I got ready for bed early and after cleaning my teeth my nose shed a few drops of blood. I've been aware since this afternoon of high blood pressure signs, and wondered about taking a beta blocker despite the unpleasant side effects This frightful incident showed I had no option but to take one. I don't understand why my stress level is this high, apart from the fact that the clot dispersal meds make me feel ill and this worries me. 

Trump's Board of Peace negotiators claim they have persuaded Hamas to disarm with the aim of Israeli forces  withdrawing from occupied Gaza. Will it happen? We'll see in the coming weeks. 

Drought

I slept fairly well despite inevitable interruptions from a full bladder. Another cloudy humid day.  A state of drought has been declared in half of England's counties, and in North Wales.  There's been virtually no measurable rainfall for two months. It's not only South West France and Spain that are fighting huge forest fires. There are wild fires in Suffolk and in the Cairngorms too. 

I was awake in time to say goodbye to Owain as he left the house to attend a work meeting in Cardiff HMRC. I felt light headed but reasonably clear. After taking the morning meds I didn't feel nearly as terrible as I did yesterday, my sensory awareness wasn't as blunted the way it was before yesterday's acupuncture. Even so, coping with the light headedness made walking feel unsteady, although I was steady on my feet.

Meanwhile my nostril wound has dried up even more and shed the scab covering its surface, which means I can now breathe through both nostrils at the same time. This will make a difference to my ability to relax in sleep.

I went for a blood test appointment at the surgery after breakfast. On arrival, I was sent straight to the treatment room, having been recognised approaching the surgery from an upstairs window by one of the practice nurses!  I was told that I'd get a message by SMS to advise me of the result, and of the next step.

For months we've been unable to install a new toilet bidet as the one we bought is designed for American plumbing. Investigating the correct piping adapter to connect it to the mains has been frustrating. Rachel, bless her, has set about investigating how this may be done, making enquiries of local hardware stores

Clare and I walked to Thompson's Park for a cup of tea mid afternoon. The central garden containing the statue 'Joyance' by William Goscombe John is full of a variety of brightly coloured plants and tall golden grasses at the moment. It's a delight to behold.

After supper, Rachel made a batch of hummus according to her own recipe with a subtle touch of cayenne and paprika highlighting the chick pea flavour. My head cleared enough for me to go out and walk for ten minutes to get some cool fresh air. The western sky was tinged bright pink by the setting sun. Worth making the effort to go out and see before going to bed somewhat refreshed.

Acupuncture to the rescue

I woke up from quite a good night's sleep feeling fresh and clear, but once I'd taken my morning meds, the world closed in on me again, slowing down my thinking and perception and undermining my ability to get on with normal life. It's just as well that I had decided to give up posting my Wednesday Morning Prayer YouTube video slot. I felt too ill to attend the midweek Eucharist. Rachel commented that she thought the medication was too strong, to be having such a bad effect.

I had an acupuncture appointment with Peter after a lunch of delicious fresh mackerel. Rachel walked with me to Parkwood Clinic to be sure I reached there safely. I walked there without difficulty, but felt as if I was enclosed in a bubble that prevented me from sensing my environment properly.

Peter talked through the impact on me of my stay in A&E as he treated me. He too thinks my prescribed medication is too strong and could be having such a negative effect. It's something I need to discuss with my GP soon. By the time I left the clinic the sensation of being trapped in a bubble reduced considerably. When I got home I promptly fell asleep in my arm chair for nearly an hour. 

Owain arrived in time for supper. He has a work meeting tomorrow in Cardiff, which enables him to stay overnight with the added blessing of spending time with Rachel. It's great to have them both here with us at the same time. I just wish I felt better enough to savour the pleasure of their company.

Rachel's homecoming

I woke up clear and sharp after the best night's sleep I've had in months. I was only awake for an hour and a half out of nine in bed. I had intended to take a precautionary beta blocker before going to sleep but didn't, partly from tiredness, but my nostril wound wasn't as inflamed or threatening to leak so I relaxed into sleep easily. What a difference sleep quality makes. Although my head was clearer to start with and the morning meds didn't affect me badly at first, by lunchtime the usual effect of brain fog hit me hard, slowing me down, depriving me of the ability to sustain concentration for long, exhausting me.

Rachel flew home overnight from Phoenix for our diamond wedding anniversary on the sixth of August. She arrived at Heathrow at eleven and arrived in Cardiff at two thirty. It was so frustrating not to feel well enough to go and meet her at the coach station but Clare did. Such a joy to welcome her home again, looking lovely and brimming with positive energy despite her loss of sleep.

Apart from a short walk up to Penhill Road and back, and walking inside the house, I've not felt well enough to exercise fully today, and have spent most of my time sitting in my armchair feeling unsteady and deprived of the kind of alertness needed to move confidently outdoors. I can't help feeling that despite stopping the nose bleed, my stay in hospital did me more harm than good.

After supper, Rachel and I walked up and down Llandaff Fields, enjoying the cool evening air, catching up on our lives and hopes. Then early bed. Rachel having to face travel tiredness and jet lag, and exhaustion on my part. 

Western Europe forests ablaze

I slept a bit better, grateful that Clare took on the task of queuing at eight to get me a GP appointment. It meant I didn't have to worry about waking up early to make the call, but it was an effort to get myself out of the house and down to the surgery on time, as the meds were taking effect, making me feel light headed and woozy. Although I was punctual I had to wait twenty minutes to be seen as a person in need of more urgent attention was ahead of me. The outcome of my appointment, a blood test appointment to check if I've become anaemic due to blood loss. My reaction to beta blockers seems to be expected - exhaustion.

Clare cooked thick swordfish steaks from Ashton's for lunch. They go well with sweet and sour red cabbage. A pleasant surprise. I slept for an hour in my armchair after eating, then went out and re-stocked our fruit supply in the Co-op. Then I slept in the chair again for another hour. Is this all part of recovery from the awful experience I had in A&E?

The sky was overcast for much of the afternoon. When I went out for a breath of fresh air as the sun was setting there was a fine drizzle brought down from the north west by a cooling wind. The contrast between this and the heat trapped in the house by recent hot weather was refreshing. I didn't have the energy to go far. When my head feels trapped in this soporific state, I'm not sure how far I can trust my body to walk and not stumble.

The high wind that has driven disastrous wildfires across western France and Spain has abated enough since yesterday for firefighters to work on making fire breaks to  protect towns and cities within ten miles of the blaze. The air temperature is 40C and the behaviour of flames unpredictable in turbulent hot air.  Three hundred and sixty thousand people have been evacuated, wearing a face mask to protect against smoke pollution is a necessity. The environmental damage to regional agriculture is likely to be serious. It may take months to extinguish forest fires completely. The reality of climate change, denied or ignored for so long is now unavoidable. President Macron speaks of this as the most difficult fire situation to face France since World War Two.

After supper, we watched a fascinating edition of 'Fake or Fortune' - real life detective stories about works of art whose origin and history are doubtful according to experts familiar with the the work of a painter to whom a work is attributed. Scientific research into materials used and historical research into associated documentary evidence is used to make a case for the authenticity of a work. It's always worth watching. Early to bed again tonight.

Reason for gratitude

Another awful night of lost sleep, despite going to bed early. I was light headed and drowsy by the time I'd eaten breakfast, taken my meds  and got to St Catherine's for the Eucharist, fighting the feeling of being unwell, needing the holy normality of receiving the Sacrament at Sunday Mass. A senior churchgoer asked me how I was. I said how I was feeling. "Then why did you come?" I was asked. 

If you don't know why you commit yourself to give God thanks for everything at 'all times and in all places',  There's no answer to that. Feeling well, or feeling in the mood doesn't come into it. Life is hard going at the moment, but it's still to be received with gratitude from God.

Fr Rhys gave us a lift home after church, giving me a moment to update him on my condition. After lunch I went to bed for an hour, not that it did me much good. Shoulder pain kept me awake. Then I walked down to the Half Way and back for some fresh air, but it didn't do anything to clear my head. I went out again after supper and walked around the block for ten minutes. Still no change. I sat in my armchair and dozed some more until it was time to go to bed properly, defeated by this strange mental exhaustion.

Stuck

Last night was less worse than recent ones with three hours awake and seven hours asleep. The soporific effect of today's meds wasn't as pronounced to start with. It wasn't quite as hot and humid and that makes a difference. The nostril wound continues to heal slowly. I suppose the beta blocker med stabilises the blood pressure and reduces blood leakage, but the side effects are troubling, including the heart skipping a beat which hasn't happened quite so noticeably before. My leaky aortic valve is normally quiet and has rarely drawn attention to itself until I started on the latest medication.

America and Iran have paused exchanges of fire in the Straight of Hormuz to make room for diplomatic moves. Oman, with coastline in the Straight and an interest in negotiations about safe passage for maritime traffic, has taken the initiative in discussions about managing sea traffic. Iran laid sea mines in the Straight to assert control over traffic lanes, but with the loss of much of its navy is not in a position to manage them. A tanker attempting transit without Iranian authorisation has been blown up by a mine, but this could have been accidental, as the minefield isn't properly managed. It depends on who is telling the story. The Americans continue to embargo Iranian shipping to put pressure on negotiations. The stalemate continues.

Clare cooked Saturday breakfast pancakes, with the added pleasure of strawberry jam she made yesterday. She left me to cook fish for lunch while she went shopping in town. By the time she returned my head was foggy as is often the case before I've eaten, but it didn't clear up and drowsiness took hold of me and stayed with me all afternoon. I don't know why, and don't know what to do with myself. It really impairs my ability to carry on with routine life. 

I made an effort to concentrate on transcribing a couple of pages of my Ulster travel diary. I began doing this starting from an optical character recognition of a scanned page, but it wasn't accurate enough to be useful. The original typescript version proved more effective to work from. I could have done a text to speech version with the android phone app, but it's totally locked into an American AI boosted version of what it computes you're saying. Annoyingly useless.

I waited until mid afternoon to go out for a short walk and again as the sun was setting, altogether half my usual daily distance. My legs were stiff and I felt as if I was sleep walking. On my way to bed before sunset.

Stench of wildfires

Another poor night's sleep, three hours awake out of nine in bed. Dropping off, then my snores jerking me awake, or my shallow breathing as I start to drift off and waking up panicking from lack of air. Waking up with  my mouth and throat dried out in the heat, due to drifting off breathing with my mouth open. Sheer misery. Clare went shopping in town while I recovered over breakfast. Another inactive morning resting as much as I can, avoiding getting over-heated. 

I cooked trout with blueberries for lunch, a tasty combination with rice, french beans and carrots. I stayed in to avoid the heat after lunch, relaxing quietly and sleeping in my armchair for a couple of hours. It may be the only way I can recover from the over stimulation and exhaustion of the past two weeks.

I stayed indoors until after supper, when it started to cool down, then walked a circuit of Llandaff Fields as the sun reached the horizon. Owain called for a chat while I was walking. He's been to Newcastle and back for a work team meeting today, starting at six this morning. He remarked how badly managed the train catering trolley service was, giving exclusive priority to the few first class customers at that hour.

As I walked, the smell of burning vegetation hung in the air, though there was no sign of smoke in the vicinity. A breeze brought the stench of fire from Blaenafon and Maerdy on the northerly edge of the South Wales coalfield plateau down into the city. France and Spain are suffering from more serious wildfires as a Europe wide heat wave continues to dry out trees and vegetation. Spain has declared a national emergency. Two separate fires have merged into one in the region of Madrid. 80,000 have been forced to evacuate a holiday area at Cap Ferret, west of Bordeaux. Firefighting teams and equipment have been brought in from Scandinavia to help.

Iran has warned of more reprisal attacks on US allies in the Gulf, including UK air bases in Britain and abroad from where American strikes are launched against Iranian military and civilian infrastructure. An Amazon data centre in Bahrain has been attacked by Iran. Last week Ukraine attacked a Russian consumer distribution centre with unsettling consequences for the Russian economy and morale. Iran seems to have borrowed the tactic in resisting the American onslaught. Ships using the Straight of Hormuz and Bab al Mandeb in the Red Sea are still being attacked by Yemeni Houthi forces, which have declared a naval blockade of Saudi Arabia. The Saudis have continued to export oil using land pipelines where they can as a workaround. The Saudi response to the blockade has been to bomb the Yemeni port city of Hodeidah, to protect its own interests. Trump calls the Saudis 'a great ally' though there is no formal alliance in place, just a beneficial trade in American military hardware which the Saudis can well afford to  pay for.

Six thousand seafarers are trapped in these waterways. American military might has so far failed to prevent Iranian backed militias from halting marine traffic. Iran has rejected a cease fire proposal made by Trump, and is preparing to discuss the war with representatives of Russia and China. Where will this lead?

MIxed messages

Another half a night's sleep despite being in bed eleven hours, and woken intermittently either by my bladder or a runny nose. It's only snot looking after the inflamed area around the nostril wound, but the sensation is much the same as bleeding. I fall asleep easily when tired at the beginning of the night, but it's hard to relax any time after I've been awakened by discomforting physical sensations adding to the excess of adrenaline I need to be rid of. Deep breathing is supposed to help. Not so easy if you're half asleep.

I spent most of the morning dozing in bed or in my arm chair, catching up on sleep, with little energy for doing anything else. Clare cooked pasta with prawns for lunch. I didn't notice the passage of time until she rang the dinner bell. We had a visit from a Gas engineer assigned to inspect our assortment of appliances. The day our fridge lost temperature Clare called for an engineer visit, not realising the fridge was working properly, but losing heat due to packaging trapped in the door seal. A visit was booked but then cancelled once we knew the problem was resolved. Unfortunately there was some kind of confusion between the Gas help line and us, which resulted in me getting a series of visit notifications and cancellations at the same time. The engineer was puzzled, as were we. He concluded the visit by reporting he couldn't access the property and sent us a text message to this effect. Sorting out what we do about maintaining household equipment is something that needs our attention. I wish my brain would wake up and function in a way that enables me to focus and retain concentration once more.

It's not quite so hot today, but drought conditions are being declared in parts of Wales and England. I went to the shops for toiletries mid afternoon, but didn't stay out for long, avoiding the heat. I went out again after supper as it began to cool down, hoping to clear my head of drowsiness but without success. I'm not physically tired and my legs aren't stiff today. I just need sleep. Bed before sunset.

Quitting in order to recover

Another dreadful night in which I woke up from a nightmare, and thought I heard Clare shouting in her sleep. The stimulus of this raised my pulse so I took a beta blocker. I slept badly, then posted today's YouTube link to WhatApp at six thirty and couldn't get back to sleep. It's definitely time to stop doing this. The stress of keeping to schedule is too demanding. After breakfast, I emailed Ruth and told her I was going to quit. I shall miss doing this. It's been part of the structure of my daily prayer life for the past six years, and I've gained a lot from doing this, but it's time to leave the production line.

I didn't feel well enough to go with Clare by taxi to Rumney for a hairdo appointment with Chris. I spent the morning in a sleep haze trying to recover. The only thing I did was prepare veggies for cooking lunch, then I went back to bed and did my best to relax and doze until Clare returned by bus. She had to complete meal as I lost focus on the task, having failed to absorb any idea of what the intended protein part of the meal was meant to be. Clare baked a handy small pizza, and opened a tin of mackerel to go with the veg. An element of chaos creeps in when I can't shake off fatigue. 

The nostril wound continues healing slowly. It's sensitive but not too painful, I must be careful not to knock my nose accidentally. It's another 25C humid day with cloud. Relieved that I have no need to be active or concentrate hard on any task. The more I succeed in relaxing, the more stoked up adrenalin can disperse and allow my blood pressure to stabilise.

America and Iran continue to be locked into exchanges of fire, with no progress on peace talks. America continues to threaten and escalate military action in an attempt to force Iran back into negotiations, but there's no credible strategy behind such coercive gestures. America can bomb bridges and desalination plants, but it doesn't win the war for them. It's a situation of stalemate from which neither side benefits. The war has cost America 37.5 billion dollars so far. Trump's popularity suffers from the economic impact of the price of oil. He believes and promotes his war as enjoying public support, whereas 60% of the public polled do not agree. It's even more unpopular than the Vietnam war was fifty years ago.

I stayed in during the heat of the afternoon doing very little apart from dozing in my arm chair and listening to the news. I've never known such a need to sleep. But then I did lose a lot of sleep when I was in A&E. I hope this is part of a natural recovery. Again after supper I dozed off as the sun was setting. I felt that a whole day without fresh air and exercise wouldn't do me any good, so I walked as far as 'The Half Way' pub and back to loosen my leg muscles and joints before getting ready for bed.

Burn-out

Another poor night's sleep, waking up prompted by my bladder as ever, but with a milder sort of adrenalin rush, if that makes sense as if a slow dispersal of pent up energy was occurring. The acupuncture point in the side of my left foot fired off with a surprising sharp pain at one stage, as if a needle had been inserted in it. It's a Xi point associated with kidney function, so something is working to my benefit. But brain fatigue, sleep loss and the impact of medication is hindering me from physical activity today. And it's warm with the occasional puff of cooling wind.

At eight o'clock a delivery of fish from Ashton's arrived. Clare spent an hour before breakfast unpacking and packaging it for freezing. Her study group arrived for a session after breakfast. Fran has a broken wrist in plaster following a long dragged out emergency treatment in which she was in agony and un-dealt with. I tucked myself away in the lounge and made an effort to continue editing audio for Wednesday's Morning Prayer. I've been too ill to complete it well in advance this week. 

It was a slow process as my co-ordination was poor, affecting my use of the mouse. Somehow concentration didn't fail me. I completed the sound edit, made the slide show video and posted the result to YouTube. It felt like working in a fog and it took me until after lunch to achieve the end result. I don't suppose anyone would mind if I didn't do it and just apologised, but it seems important for morale to continue having something to strive for and focus on, however modest. One way or another I think it's time to give up doing this, and reduce the pressure of having a regular creative commitment. I'm finding it too stressful to deliver in the wake of the awful A&E experience,

I paid my TV license on-line this morning. Not difficult, but six months ago, the trauma of losing control of accounts because of unnoticed errors prevented me from doing the most basic things on-line. Re-ordering the chaos of the past seven months of my life remains a work in progress.

We waited until early evening to go out for a walk, as the air began to cool down. We walked up and down Llandaff Fields. It was as much as Clare could cope with. I was tired too, so at sunset, it was time to start getting ready for bed.

Trump booed

Taking the beta blocker tablet before bed didn't make any difference to losing half a night's sleep, but I noticed that waking and getting up for a pee felt less stressful and I was quicker falling to sleep again each time. There's no escape from tiredness though, nor from diarrhea. Each of the medications I take has this effect on my bowels. All I can do is rest as much as possible and make sure to drink enough water. 

I woke up early enough to get in the telephone queue for a GP appointment, but my mind wasn't alert enough to work out what I needed to say and why I was calling, so I didn't bother. My nostril wound leaks less blood but stimulates mucus, enough to give me a runny nose. It's unnerving, as the sensation resembles a nose bleed starting which doesn't help me relax and rest. A runny nose cleans, protects and lubricates irritated areas around the wound while it's healing apparently.

Another blue sky day with high cloud, pleasantly warm at 23C. I didn't have much energy to do anything this morning. I arranged for someone else to look after this week's liturgical stand-in duties. I have to admit I'm not well. My head is not clear enough, my concentration is poor. I don't want to make a drama out of a celebration of the Holy Mysteries by making mistakes and losing my way during the service. 

I wrote a letter to the GP surgery asking if there would be follow-up consultation after discharge from A&E. I mentioned the negative impact different medications were having on me, and the difficulty I have waking up in time to book a surgery appointment. Easier to write it down than explain it over the phone.

I cooked rice for lunch with yellow courgettes, onions and mushrooms while Clare fried two chunks of cod. Everything seems to take a long time to do. It's not necessarily that I forget what I'm doing, but that my brain slows to a halt and I need to check what I'm doing.

Ashley phoned this afternoon. He's having trouble with a hernia, and expects to go into the UHW short stay surgical unit to have it repaired. I'm astonished at how long he's having to wait. I shouldn't have any trouble finding him there after my recent experience!

The Americans keep on bombing infrastructure in Iran. Iran retaliates with missiles on US military bases. Ships trying to get through the Straight of Hormuz are being fired upon. Iran's Houthi allies declare they will blockade Bab al Mandab, cutting off an oil transit route between the Arabian Peninsula and the Horn of Africa. This could have further repercussions for the price of oil. It could lead to further escalation by America. The rising number of injuries and deaths of American personnel in the Gulf will add to the unpopularity of this war in the USA. Ironically, Trump was booed by the crowd at a major World Cup football final event, though the war isn't the issue, but rather Trump's intrusion in a refereeing decision during the tournament, considered by some to be 'unfair'. Do football fans realise how unfair Trump's war already is for so many poor countries pushed into recession and famine by the choking of oil supplies?

Gratitude

Warm and cloudy today, 26C. Yet another restless night's sleep, walking early unable to doze. Medication made me feel worse than usual as is often the case. I was meant to take the beta blocker pill, but as it made me feel even sicker yesterday, I didn't take it. 

Last Sunday, I was in hospital, unable to attend Mass and receive the Sacrament. I was determined at all costs, to go to St Catherine's for the Parish Eucharist today, grateful to God for having survived a week which felt life threatening at times. I made sure not to push myself, leaving early before Clare for a change, and not rushing. Fr Rhys celebrated. We had a helpful conversation after the service and he gave me a lift home. Clare cooked pasta and prawns for lunch. 

I slept for more than an hour after we'd eaten, feeling lethargic and drugged. Then I walked up and down Llandaff Fields for an hour, resting at every bench, to make sure I didn't overdo it. I thought my head was a bit clearer so I recorded the next Morning Prayer reflection and office. I wanted to edit the audio there and then, but wasn't able to continue. The stimulus of concentration probably pushed up my blood pressure, and wiped out the positive effect of fresh air and exercise. It made me realise that I'm not well enough to do any duty cover while Sion is away without putting myself at risk so I wrote to him and to Fr Andrew to  explain.

I took the last of the antibiotics this evening, started when my nose was plugged to prevent infection. My stomach and taste buds will benefit from completing the course. The essential clot dispersal medication continues to make life a misery. I'll take the beta blocker as I go to bed to find out what effect this has in reducing the impact of adrenalin generated by concentrating hard, or by being awakened by a full bladder.

Beta Blockers

Another hot night of very poor sleep, disturbed  not only by my bladder but by the need to take sips of water as my mouth dried out and made it hard to swallow. My nostrils aren't as congested now, so it's easier to breathe with my mouth shut - if only my mouth wouldn't fall open when I'm asleep, drying out the saliva in my mouth! The introduction of beta blocking meds curbs the fluctuation in my blood pressure and this helps the nostril wound to stop bleeding and dry out. It leaks blood diluted with saliva which gets paler as the wound slowly dries out. The more I breathe through my nostrils the better. Unfortunately side effects of Beta Blockers are sleepiness dizziness and nausea, leaving me feeling even more unwell than the other drugs that have the same effect. Added to the effect of lost sleep and heat, it was a miserable morning in which I could do very little. I didn't feel well or safe enough on my feet to go out for a walk, but I managed to cook a veggie sugo to to accompany tortellini for lunch,

Thin high cloud today, not quite as hot as yesterday, but still humid. Reports of wildfires coming in from parched uplands in Britain are causing concern over biodiversity loss. Canadian wildfires produce a smoke haze affecting American cities. Trump is using this as an excuse for imposing more trade tariffs on Canada for 'filthy air', ignoring the tangible evidence of global heating due to fossil fuel use. His own 'drill baby drill' political slogan exacerbates the crisis, ignoring the reality facing the world. 

Meanwhile Iran and America exchange military strikes for the seventh night in a row, with Iran attacking US Middle Eastern allies in retaliation, and effectively retaining control of the Straight of Hormuz. Two US servicemen are killed in Iranian strikes on Jordan. Given the unpopularity of this war in the USA this won't go down well with the electorate.

I spent much of the afternoon dozing but went to the Coop for Kefir and bananas at teatime. Examining the change in my pocket the tiny tigers' eye pebble given me by Rachel slipped through my fingers and disappeared into a pile of dried leaves. I felt sad to lose this, symptomatic of drugged state of awareness.

It seems that Beta Blockers suppress the adrenaline response to reduce blood pressure. If only I could have had an acupuncture treatment a few times in hospital instead. Anyway I've been in touch with Peter, and will see him in the coming week.

An interesting programme about Leonardo da Vinci on TV tonight, not that I could share my concentration between watching and writing. I'm just too tired.

Soporific heat

I was horrified when I got into bed last night to see that my ankles were swollen. I felt too ill to go out for a walk yesterday. As it was 30C into the evening, I didn't want to take any risks. The problem with meds I take is they impair my sensory awareness and slow my reactions and heart rate. I might not notice quickly enough that my body is overheating. I instinctively become extra cautious, not wanting to make things worse. My ankles paid the price for languishing all day without exercise. When I woke up in the night no swelling was visible. 

I didn't get enough sleep to recover any of the past week's lost hours, but don't feel as bad as yesterday, but I notice a slow-down in my short term memory. Clare cooked a savoury soy protein dish for lunch with cabbage, sweet potatoes, spuds and butternut squash. By tea time I struggled to recall anything about the meal, until an image of boiled cabbage sprang into my mind's eye. From that I was able to remember the content of the meal. It's disconcerting. Is this pure fatigue or the impact of the new beta blocker meds. 

I slept in snatches after lunch. When I went out for a walk at tea-time, my right ankle was acutely painful to start with. My leg muscles and joints were also painful. I returned home and rested, then went out again. My leg muscles hurt even more, as if I'd pushed too hard when I hadn't. Several days of limited mobility are robbing me of my general fitness at the moment. 

I had a lengthy exchange with my niece Nicky about high blood pressure, and particularly about how ill beta blocking medications make you feel and how upsetting for the stomach many medications can be. She's soon to become a granny for the first time. Time to wish her good health, so she can enjoy it. Rachel called, rehearsing her arrival plans for a fortnight's time. Bob, her ex-father in law, celebrates his 100th birthday the evening she lands and she's been invited.

River of calm and kindness

A warm night and a poor night's sleep, although that may be from wearing my Fitbit too loosely to record any data that makes sense. Awake in time for Thought for the Day and a more complex routine of medication at breakfast time. The beta blockers add to the existing lethargic foggy head sensation, and slow my pulse. The leak from my nose wound continues to dry slowly and reassuringly, so the systolic pressure reduction remedy has worked.

Despite being more hard of hearing than I, Clare noticed the high pitched alarm sounding from the fridge freezer, which lost temperature overnight. Initially I didn't hear it due to my tinnitus being louder. Clare called British Gas services to arrange an emergency call out. Two hours after noticing it the alarm stopped. One tub of posh ice cream lost. It seems a bag of something in our over-packed freezer caught in the door seal, allowing the heat leak, and it was a hot night, 30C this morning. Fortunately the refrigeration unit worked. It wasn't broken, but took its time getting back down to 18C. Thankfully the pump  kept working and didn't overheat. Clare was able to call off a diagnostic visit, but we ended by signing up for a household maintenance package for emergency cover.

Half a morning, half asleep while Clare went shopping. I cooked Paella for lunch with the half defrosted pack of fish pie mix and used up the remains of a bag of Valencian rice from Mercadona from our trip to stay with Veronica a year ago. Another hot afternoon, languishing indoors, sleeping uncomfortably in my armchair, too lethargic to go upstairs to bed. 

Updating my cousin Dianne on course of events gave me an opportunity to reflect on the oft-commented emergency medical crisis - having been on the receiving end. A&E seems to surf on the edge of chaos, brilliantly fielding the new intake of suffering patients, facing logistic challenges, shifting them asap, which can be an excruciatingly long wait in noisy places. I was admitted at two in the morning parked in a kids' treatment room, missed by the half awake breakfast team. I got NHS cheese and ham sandwich packs instead at lunchtime. 

Shifted to a transfusion 'lounge' for a few hours, with several quite poorly people, then decanted to a surgical couch waiting room overnight - my first visit to this place was when I had my gall bladder out, six months before the stroke and a previous nose bleed. Then, up a few floors to the same day emergency surgery unit. That was where we had to evacuate a few hours later, due to a MRI scanner electrical fire in 32C heat. Once re-instated, getting back to recover any kind of sleep was continued torture - England v Norway football made staff and patients hyper and loud. But staff continued keeping an eye on patients anyway, enjoying the mildly festive moment. That was where I was for a couple of days until further surgery was avoided by introducing beta blockers to curb my high blood pressure reaction to a stressful environment, driving the nose bleed. 

Yes it was slow and unpleasant, losing so much sleep, yes there were times when the staff seemed a bit chaotic or communicating poorly, but the whole process worked, inevitably in fits and starts. Including random and planned moves. Hard to be on the receiving end when you can't attract attention, then get woken up from recovery sleep every four hours for a BP check. Time seems to stand still as you wait, but it resembles a river or a flood, lots of movement simultaneously, not always in the same direction.

A man of my age with verbal diarrhea, talked unstoppably with a teacher's voice for 18 hours. He was losing his home as he couldn't look after himself. The conversation with his night nurse was moving. She showed him such good humoured kindness and respect, even though he was irritating half a dozen others in the same ward. There was no other place to park his bed and keep an eye on him. A sacred moment, overhearing such a conversation.

Once I'd been stabilised and the nose pack removed, I was issued with a take home bag of medications and allowed to call for a taxi to take me home. Clare came for me. As I left the ward, the team on duty bade me farewell with smiles and looks of achievement on their faces, some of them I'd seen several times in the previous days. I wish I could have said more than a mere 'thank you' as I left. Patients arriving in A&E are likely to be in a mess physically if not emotionally due to accident, injury or illness. The treatment process carries them, finds them a safe place and starts them on the way to recovery with calm respectful words, maybe even a touch of humour. A river of calm and kindness flows through the hospital at every level. I wonder if we fully appreciate it?

A day spent inactive, inert, dozing, coming out of crisis mode, getting used to a new medication regimen. Maybe after more sleep my head fog will go away.

Discharged

My blood pressure lowered overnight and isn't as volatile now. After breakfast, I was relocated in a ward up on the sixth floor. It was possible to look down from that height on a helicopter landing on the A&E helipad. I don't think there's air-conditioning here as windows were kept open overnight. A bit noisy and polluting high above the A48, but the breeze was definitely cooling in the small hours.

One of the ENT medics deflated the nose pack and removed it briskly without too much pain, confident the blood flow from the wound would reduce to a trickle. washed out by mucus in the coming days. I'll be kept an eye on for 24 hours to ensure all is going to plan, then discharged. 

A nurse with pharmacy duties delivered me a big bag of medications old and new. I took time organising them and their dosage on a phone spreadsheet. 

There were several elderly sick men with organ or mobility issues on this ward whose treatment plans and discharge plans are more complex to arrange than mine. One of them, with a teacher's voice talks audibly and constantly. I'm not sure if he speaks into his 'phone or if it's a stream of consciousness conversation with a person remembered. In much of the discourse he tells stories. He was treated for constipation, but it released more energy to give him verbal diarrhea. Non-stop, all night. The real life conversation he had with a night nurse was movingly kind on her part. It could have been from a script for a Radio Four play. Needless to say, I slept badly. Some of the talk is about his home being sold without his consent. Voicing his loss of control due to infirmity. I experienced that sense of loss of control after the stroke. It's a struggle if cognition is impaired, Medication can have the same effect.

Mid-morning, the cannula was removed from my left wrist and the discharge bag of medication checked. I called Clare, who came by taxi to collect me. The punishing routine throughput of emergency doctors and nurses must be tiring. I'm amazed and very grateful when I see them wave farewell to departing patients with smiles of satisfied pleasure on their faces. From the moment of admission onwards after a medical crisis there are so many possibilities of chaos to be coped with in complex and difficult cases. Focus on the moment and the eventual outcome is essential. If the backlog of patients drops by even a small number it's a job well done.

Good to return home, more or less stable now, despite the chemical fog in my head and metallic taste of antibiotics on my tongue. Fish pie for lunch, in hospital and at home. Clare's was better.  At 30C It was too hot to go for a walk in my present condition feeling fragile exhausted and drugged up. I slept a little, occasionally, and made an effort to stick to my medication timetable. My hand-eye co-ordination is chaotic leading to time consuming typos. The nostril bleed is slowly drying, and will need extra care to avoid a repeat. "It's like living on the edge of a crumbling precipice." as I said to niece Veronica. Bed now