O Wisdom

Overcast and drizzly on this first day of the week of countdown days to Christmas. I had a fair night of sleep, even if not long enough to feel properly rested, but more relaxed in the light of my conversation with the Cardio consultant yesterday. I held back on taking a blood thinner until lunchtime, just taking my habitual blood pressure med and statin when I got up after posting today's YouTube link to WhatsApp, after 'Thought for the Day'. I guess my blood pressure must have been high, as I could sense the change in the half hour after I took it, with my head becoming clearer, but not feeling quite right. It'll be interesting to observe the change when I take a blood thinner after lunch.

There were nine of us at the St Catherine's Eucharist. Jeremy assisted Sion and preached the homily. Over coffee afterwards he talked about his experience of converting from being a Pentecostal church member to an Anglican. He'll be ordained and serving his first curacy in Fishguard this summer, a rural coast ministry area with fourteen churches, all different. I told him about my experience of black Pentecostal worship and ministry when we were in St Paul's. Exposure to different Christian communities and cultures influences our spiritual development more than we may realise until we have reason to reflect on it.

I collected this week's veggie bag from Chapter on my way home. A freshly picked stalk of Brussels sprouts was among this week's special winter veg treats it contained. I met neighbour Rob on the way home standing inside his garage about to take his car out, or returning it. He's a network specialist working from home, unable to socialise at the moment as he's suffering from a bad dose of 'flu. We chatted about our neighbourhood and shared appreciation of long term residents who know and support each other in the same way as church parishioners do.

I took my blood thinner tablet after lunch and was relieved not to have a negative reaction to it. I stayed clear headed all day and the meds didn't make me feel poorly. A big win from my point of view. When we were clearing up after lunch, the kitchen strip light got dislodged from its rather unstable mounting. It took so long for Clare and I to fix it that I didn't hear my phone reminding me that I was due for an acupuncture appointment. I phoned Peter and fortunately was able to reschedule for an hour later as Peter had a slot available. I walked to the clinic and enjoyed a fortifying session with insightful conversation. Altogether good for morale together with yesterday's session with Dr Hughes. 

Owain arrived at supper time to spend a couple of days with us and brought me a special food supplement that will help me improve my focus in connected thinking. I am as Peter said during this afternoon's treatment, recovering from exhaustion during the first traumatic week I spent in A&E.I believe I am on the upward path now and welcome anything that will help me establish a new 'normal' I can live with.

I spent the evening writing a reflection on the opening chapter of Colossians, for New Year's Eve while Owain and Clare watched an old episode of 'Strike'

Looking inside my brain

Cold today but sunny. Awake for two of eight and a quarter hours sleep. A fair night's sleep? It doesn't feel like it. When I got up I didn't take all my meds in one go, but in stages before and after eating and drinking lots of water to see what difference it would make to the usual morning woozy thick headed feeling. Well, maybe. Drinking enough water seems to be most important.

After breakfast Clare went to her study group meeting in Penarth. I wrote a reflection for New Year's Eve Morning Prayer, then cooked lunch in time for her return. With a hospital appointment at four, and being uncertain about the best route to take by bus to UHW, I ended walking there instead - fifty five minutes. So I must have been feeling better, and the weather though cold was pleasant for walking.

I met cardio consultant Dr Hughes. We recognised each other, as he was the medic who took charge of me in  A&E the day after I had the stroke. Thanks to him I saw a screenshot of the MRI brain scan confirming the presence of a clot on my occipital lobe that caused the stroke symptoms. He conducted a physical examination with a class of student medics to start with before revealing the scan findings. Despite my condition, skin to concussion, I noticed and was impressed by his skill as an observer teaching others how to observe. 

During our conversation, he showed me the detailed 3D recording of that MRI scan showing the position of the clot just above the top of the spinal column at the base of my brain. It's only recently that I saw a similar recording of Clare's brain scan - in better condition than mine. We talked about the problems I've been having with different medications making me feel worse. He was willing if necessary to prescribe aspirin plus an additional medication whose side effects wouldn't have such an impact. On further thought he considered that the combination of morning meds may be causing the problem, and proposed spacing them out across the day, as a way of observing which of the meds has a noticeable negative impact. He's going to write to my GP recommending spacing the three things I need to take during the day is written on the prescription.

This session I found most helpful. I felt heard and my concerns understood. I came away feeling lighter and optimistic about a way forward with treatment that doesn't leave me feeling worse. I took a bus into town, then caught another back to Pontcanna after a chilly wait outside the Holiday Inn. On the way home I chatted with Owain, and then separately with Rachel, both relieved to hear my good news. Owain has been recommended taking a food supplement to aid mental clarity and sharpness and taking a test for vitamin D deficiency, as this can be a problem that impacts on metabolism and brain function. I'm willing to try anything that might improve the way I've been feeling this past couple of months. What most affects my brain however, is short nights of interrupted sleep week after week. If only a medication routine could be found that reduced me having to get up for a pee almost hourly, that would change everything.

Canna Capella sings to support refugees

Rain in the night and this morning. I used the new dehumidifier when I had to get up for a pee. I  didn't get so chilled, slipped back into sleep easier and for longer. A positive outcome, worth the investment.  After meds and breakfast, I went back to bed and spent some time resting and writing to see if it was possible to  cope better with the impact the medication is having on me after taking it in the morning. Less worse, less of a struggle to stay awake and think clearly.

News reports about the mass shooting of fifteen people at Hanukkah festivities in Sydney yesterday identify the killers as islamist fanatics, a father and son as perpetrators. Sir Ephraim Mirvis, the Chief Rabbi spoke powerfully on 'Thought for the Day' about this fiesta as affirming faith and identity, celebrating the miracle of Jewish survival during persecution by imperial Rome leading to the continuing determination of Jews not to be driven into the shadows by anti-semitic hatred  "We are here, we belong, we will not hide who we are." The right to gather freely safely and publicly", he says, "is not a Jewish issue alone, it is a test of the moral health of any society that claims to value freedom, difference and human dignity". 

The right to freedom of speech is easily perverted into tolerance or acquiescence of unacceptable anger, aggression and hate speech against anyone who dares to be different. It's another symptom of decline in moral health of contemporary society, of resistance to learning to live together with those whose culture or experience of life is unlike our own. Have we become lazy or too vague about the difference between right and wrong, too comfortable with thinking moral judgements are no more than a matter of opinion? Living faith calls for a moral code based on the understanding that it is wrong to make another person suffer. To sin against God or a neighbour is to cause suffering. How often we seem to be indifferent to the suffering of others, devalued by the way they are spoken of. When this happens, violence against them is never far behind.

While Clare was out I cooked veg for lunch with savoury butter beans for me and boiled eggs for Clare. Blood thinners leave me feeling poorly as if my blood sugar levels are low. Is this a side effect? I need to raise this concern at my cardio consultation at UHW scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.

After a rest, I printed Christmas card envelope labels using my Chromebook connected to the lazer printer. It was a fiddly job, downloading address label master copies from OneDrive, uploading them to Google Drive and getting the Open Document Format files recognised by Google Docs but succeeded after a spell of trial and error. I need to get around to exchanging Linux Mint on my workstation for an alternative version of Linux which works with my printer. I simply can't be bothered to spend hours troubleshooting a fault caused by a Mint update. It's a shame, as I have happily used Mint for the past decade with few problems. There doesn't seem to be a straightforward fix for this. Maybe there will be when the next Mint upgrade comes along.

After supper I went to Conway Road Methodist Church for a performance by the fifteen strong Canna Capella choir Clare sings with. It was a fund raising concert in aid of a local organisation that supports refugees, by enabling them to engage fully in local life and work. This includes a project aiding medically experienced and qualified people to become accredited to work here and acquire enough English language to continue in their professional sphere if they need to do this. Impressive stuff. About fifty people were present. I enjoyed the singing, but found the noise of chatter and social interaction following the music stressful to cope with. It may be to do with the meds, but could be fall-out from the traumatic experience of my sojourn in A&E. Glad to get to bed at the end of the evening.

Toxic vengeance

Another poor night's sleep and miserable morning feeling tired with a thick head. Terrible news of a mass shooting at a Hanukkah celebration on Bondi Beach in Australia. Attacks on synagogues have occurred recently in several parts of the world, pointless retaliation for the Israeli government's war waged on Palestinians in Gaza and the West Bank. Injustice and violence breed injustice and violence. How can the vicious cycle be ended in which enraged people seek satisfaction by making victims of each other? Will we never understand how poisonous and soul destroying this is?

We made an effort to go to St Catherine's for the Parish Eucharist. A kind lady in church gave us some croissant shaped almond pastries stuffed with marzipan. We had these for pudding along with mince pies and apple pie Clare baked.

I slept for an hour after we'd eaten. Kath and Clare went out to Tesco's while I was asleep and bought a bedroom dehumidifier. I get chilly at night when I need to get up for a pee and it takes so much longer to get back to sleep. It's not that the room suffers from cold and damp as such. If there's a frost, the room feels less cold. t's less humid. I think it's something to do with prevailing wind pushing damp air down the chimney through a poorly sealed off fireplace. I remember having similar problems keeping warm when I was staying in Ibiza. Using a bedroom dehumidifier was necessary to make the room comfortable to sleep in when it wasn't especially cold. I hope this works. I've been losing too much sleep, no matter how many blankets or layers of bed clothes I wear at night.

I walked for an hour after waking from my siesta. Clare and Kath were out too, visiting a neighbourhood Christmas market in Plasturton Gardens, but we didn't meet. When I got home I found the dehumidifier installed and at work in the bedroom. Kath took her leave of us as it was getting dark. It was lovely to have her with us again for twenty four hours.

After supper I watched another episode of 'Les Invisibles' and one of 'Above Suspicion', that turned out to be one I'd watched before.

Signal poverty

Another cold bright sunny start to the day. I slept fairly well, with the usual interruptions and needing to drink a lot of water with meds and breakfast. Not that it made any difference. I felt unwell, sleepy, slow moving and slow thinking. I made an effort to go out and buy Christmas cards, but it was a struggle. Kath arrived at lunchtime, her journey prolonged by a slow moving traffic queue. After lunch we went out for a walk in the park ending up at sunset in the Square and Fair cafe next to the new Padel Courts, then walking home from there in the dark. 

Kath went out again and bought a desktop digital TV aerial to work with the new telly, but the aerial refused to work. Signal reception is very poor on the ground floor of the house. It worked however with the old Sony Bravia in the attic, albeit imperfectly. It can receive some but not all of the channels it should. We need a more powerful antenna, or a rooftop dish to collect signals from the Wenvoe transmitter four miles away. There are too many houses disrupting signals from the mast in the city centre. Thankfully there are no such problems with TV channels delivered via the internet Android apps once you have them set up.

My head started to clear, as if my body was getting rid of a toxin. I watched another episode of Shetland' before going to bed early.

Mobility landmark for Clare

Nice to wake up to a bright sunny morning after a fairly good night's sleep. Getting to bed a bit earlier than usual seems to have done me good. 

After breakfast I designed a digital Christmas card and prepared it to accompany our annual email newsletter. Clare received a fish delivery from Ashton's at nine, and was busy getting portions ready for the freezer when the doorbell rang a second time - her lift from Sue to go to a physio appointment down the Bay. On this occasion she returned the walking frame and crutches loaned to her by the clinic for the hip op. No longer needing them three and a half months after the op is quite an achievement! 

Salmon soup for lunch and an hour's sleep. I seem unable to escape tiredness at the moment. I noticed that I was making more typos than usual, my hand eye co-ordination suffers more from left sided impairment and maybe also from my brain working slower when I'm tired. As it was getting dark, I went out shopping intending to buy Christmas cards. I needed to get a bottle of TCP and was surprised to find none on sale in Boots, Savers or Tesco's. The takeover of a company that makes it has suffered supply chain problems and cannot deliver enough to retailers to keep up with demand. Hmm. Finding out about this was enough to distract me into forgetting to buy cards. I bought chicken pieces to roast and vine tomatoes that got rather squashed in the bag carrying them home. I cooked them with onion and garlic to combine in a sugo with roasted chicken tomorrow.

When I was looking for things on supermarket shelves this evening I noticed that I was finding it harder than previously to identify products I was looking for. It wasn't just a matter of not having suitable spec's to see what I was looking for, but not identifying products by their package colour, shape, or labelling. I'm not sure if this is erosion of memory or the process of recognising things automatically. It doesn't help if a product has been given a brand makeover. I notice other folk as old as me lingering in aisles of shelves searching for items they need, whether memorised or written down. Sometimes I arrive at a shop and have to stop and remind myself what I've come to buy, with or without a shopping list in my head or in hand.

After supper I watched a couple of episodes of 'Les Invisibles' and then it was time for bed.

Eye test verdict

Another grey overcast day. Another night with three hours of sleep lost, so getting started when tired is an effort. I had a phone call from Rufus after breakfast to check I was in so he could call in for a chat. It was good to see him again and learn about developments in his ministry as Mission to Seafarers Chaplain in Wales. A few years back Rufus suffered a TIA commonly called a mini stroke - Transient Ischemic Attack on two occasions. As a result he made adjustments to his lifestyle, more conscious of how to live with any potential risks to his circulatory system. Recovery took him nine months. That's something I needed to hear. At the beginning the word 'stroke' adequately described what I was going through. On one occasion I heard a medic describe my condition as a TIA and wonder if he got it right. I've not been paralysed and am recovering my ability to notice and recognise things I see, even if my brain is still slow sometimes making the connections. Seeing how energetic and capable Rufus is now both reassures and warns me not to take risks pushing myself too hard if I feel tired or stressed.

While Clare was out shopping for Christmas gifts I cooked savoury butter beans with rice for our lunch. I had a rest before setting out for a four o'clock eye test at the University School of Optometry in Cathays. I glanced at a striking looking dog resembling a husky standing in undergrowth at the side of the footpath, as the sun went down. After I looked away momentarily the dog simply vanished, leaving me wondering if I was hallucinating. Then I heard the dog's owner call after it in exasperation from the path. The dog then reappeared walking with the owner just ahead of it, and then lagging behind, as if they were playing some kind of game. I was amused but also reassured to find that I wasn't hallucinating in semi-darkness.

Ceri the optometrist ran though the standard eye tests with me. I don't need new glasses, but a cataract op to replace the one I had to cancel remains desirable. It will have to be planned around abstaining for a few days from the clot busting medication I need to take, since the drugs used to prepare the eye for surgery can produce unwanted side effects in combination with them. The field of vision scan result told me what I suspected. My vision is impaired, but not just in the corner of the left eye, but in the left corner of both. And it's lasting damage I'll have to learn to live with. There's no question of me driving a car again. It may be inconvenient and make life difficult and more complicated without personal transport, but it's a release from stressful duties and responsibilities. I could pursue registration as a vision impaired person to receive help and support, but do I need this? I need to train my awareness to be more alert in noticing movement at the periphery of my vision on the left hand side in order to stay safe and not put others at risk. I can see to read and type, but there's a pattern to my habitual typos relating to the visual impairment. Can I retrain myself to overcome this. Only time will tell.

It was past five when I left the eye clinic to make my way to the nearest bus stop opposite RWCMD to take me to the bus station for a number sixty one back to Pontcanna. I'm sad to think that stroke damage  to my optic nerve, though limited, is irreversible, sad that as a strongly visual thinker I'll never be as sharp in making connections, recognising what I see, and making my way in the world, as I have been during my four score years on earth so far. Still, I'm grateful for all I have seen and wondered at.