What are you doing here?

For the first time since my farewell Sunday at St John's, I celebrated the Eucharist this morning, at St German's. It was the Wednesday morning 'Class Mass' for a year group of Tredegarville School children. It was always an enjoyable experience to deputize for Father Roy, and remains so. Sunshine pervaded the tranquiity of that fine lofty building. The children were admirably well behaved, relaxed and at ease being quiet together in such strange environment compared to their everyday world. How they are together in school carries over naturally into the way they are when they're out and about.

At the beginning, one of them asked "What are you doing here? I thought you were retired." This gave me an opportunity to explain that although I wasn't working, I could still act as a priest if anyone invited me, and that was why I was there. No longer a duty but a pleasure to say 'yes' when asked. I loved most of the things I got to do as part of my work. Over the past decade however, the sense of responsibility attached to being a full time professional pastor were increasingly accompanied by a sense of anxiety and inadequacy in the face of the commission given to the priest by virtue of ordination, and appointment as an incumbent. I looked long and hard at this, desiring to overcome it and master it, in order to fulfil the commission to my own satisfaction. Perhaps the reasons are just too complex to comprehend. 

Now I have the freedom of retirement, I no longer have that old burden of anxiety. All I have to do is wait until called to serve, and maybe also discern between different possibilities, should that situation arise. For the moment, not much new is happening, demands of any kind are few and far between, and the opportunity for space and silence is a blessing for which I'm grateful. I think I was on good form today and felt fresh in going about my ministerial duties. I hope that was as good for the kids as it was for me.