My Madeleine moment

I had a good night's sleep, although I woke up for no reason I can think of at first light, and was awake for an hour before dozing off again. Sunshine with clouds driven by wind from the west. My head was clear when I got up but after breakfast and medication, it was as if my brain clouded over. Clare went off to her study group and I stayed in as we expected a lunchtime delivery of a convertible chair bed. It didn't turn up until gone three. I occupied myself with recording and editing a reflection for St John the Baptist's Day, I  cooked lunch with a foggy brain and mis-timed the baked potatoes and the frozen beans. It wasn't my best effort, but not quite a disaster either.

Two men arrived in a large white delivery van and carried several large cardboard boxes in, containing the components of the chair bed. They unpacked it and then had to work out how to assemble it from a sheet of instructions. Then it was a matter of working out the best place to put it in the front room that already contains a smallish three piece suite. The bay window seemed the best place. Book cases and telly needed repositioning. The chair's furnishing fabric is the same as the three piece suite. The shape is different, but the most important thing is that it's comfortable, and there's no problem about converting the chair into a bed that fits in the length of the room. The delivery men worked quietly and did a good job, having driven from Swindon, but they were finished by four with an hour's return drive ahead of them. They even took the cardboard boxes away with them. Tomorrow is our rubbish and recycling collection day. I was relieved not to have to deal with them.

Putting the bins out was my chore for the day. Then I walked to the Coop to buy almond milk. I spotted a discounted pack of doughnuts stuffed with custard and bought them for sentimental reasons. Sixty years ago, the year we graduated and got married, I was a night shift worker in a bakery at the bottom of Ashley Hill in St Paul's Bristol, putting trays of bread into a conveyor belt oven and removing scalding hot at the other end. I didn't get to fry the doughnuts, but injected jam into them when freshly cooked, dip them in sugar and put them in rows on a tray, ready for packaging. When I looked at the custard filled version I ate with a cup of tea, there was a hole in the side of the bun where the injection nozzle had been inserted, only this time to deliver custard not jam, probably in an automated process these days. Such a vivid memory, my equivalent to Proust's 'Madeleine moment'. I also remembered how tired I was at four in the morning, tired enough to fall asleep at the injection machine for long enough to cover the outside of the doughnut with jam, not the inside, and being teased by Italian migrant shift workers from whom I learned a few of their swear words, well before I learned any Italian.

I went out and walked again in Llandaff Fields after supper remembering the night bakery. I recall on one occasion removing a freshly baked loaf from the conveyor belt. It was scalding hot. I couldn't hold it and dashed it to the floor in a fit of temper. One of the Italians reproached me in a half mocking way and said in broken English. "Eeet's no way to treat the body of Christ." I think I may have told him that when I finished University I was going to train to be a priest. The fresh air cleared my head somewhat, though not entirely. It's so frustrating.

Israel launched deadly attacks on the ancient city of Tyre this morning. The UN Secretary General Antonio Gutierrez insists that cease-fires in Iran, Lebanon and Gaza must be respected. Netanyahu's actions are in contempt of cease-fire agreements. nine hundred have been killed in Gaza during the cease-fire. He clearly isn't listening to anyone but the extremists in his own government. Border crossings into Gaza have been closed, no humanitarian aid can be delivered. This makes it even more difficult for America and Iran to complete a peace deal. Retaliation by Iran against Israeli attacks on Lebanon boosts the determination of Iranian hard line military leaders to take more risks and escalate the conflict. Iran still controls the Straight of Hormuz, Bab al Mandeb and the flow of maritime traffic, determined to make users pay for it.

Unfamiliarity in a familiar place

The return of blue sky and sunshine this morning after what felt to me like a cold night of broken sleep. It left me tired and muddle headed, struggling to collect information from bank statements to use on my tax return. Clare cooked salmon and veg for lunch. Afterwards I went to the Kings Road pharmacy to order my next prescription medications in good time, and collected Clare's, which was handed to me confirming her name without needing to be asked. The assistant probably saw us together in the pharmacy before and remembered our names! That's nice.

I set out from there to visit the city centre and managed to miss two 61 buses in succession by walking and standing in between two different bus service stops, aiming to catch the first that arrived. I wasn't at all alert this morning. I went to Santander Bank to ask for a copy of my certificate of taxed interest earned, and was told about a new credit card issue which has no account fee and offers cashback. I'm not a fan of credit cards and would rather do without the one we have, except that using it for on-line purchases does offer a degree of extra security. I'm less of a fan of digital commerce than I was as an early adopter of new technology at the turn of the century. It's the impact mild visual impairment has had on me, that I now find the intense concentration required to deal with numbers on-screen leaves me distrustful of my perception. Despite years of habitual use I feel like I'm in foreign territory. So I do as little as possible unless I can get someone to check what I do. 

It's strange that this doesn't apply in the same way to writing text. I never learned proper touch typing and make typos thanks to my poor level of accuracy. It's always worse when I'm tired and stressed. But writing doesn't make me feel unsure of myself. Maybe correction of typos and spelling errors calls on an area of memory which remains relatively fast, exhaustion permitting,

The experience of  shopping in town is the same. I know where I am and have no problem recognising and remembering places, navigating my way to them but it doesn't change the feeling that I'm in an unfamiliar place. I worked for eight years in the city centre and know the area very well. Memories of experiences of the place return somewhat slowly, but the feeling of being there as if for the first time still prevails. It's an experience I associate with becoming familiar with the streets of a new city when I'm on holiday or living there on locum duty.

I returned home on a 61 bus in time for tea and a slice of lemon cheesecake. Despite necessary care over consuming dairy products, just in case they upset my digestion, I've found that I can enjoy this without consequences. Clare went out to choir practice, and I went out for a walk in Llandaff Fields enjoying the evening sunshine, while listening to 'I'm sorry I haven't a clue' and 'The Archers' on my phone. 

Israel's recent strikes on Lebanon in its war on Hezbollah resulted in Iran firing ballistic missiles at Israel undermining cease fire-talks and threatening further and wider escalation of the conflict. Iran's attacks on Israel have ceased but will resume if Israel continues striking Lebanon. Iran's allies are able to halt traffic in Bab al Mandeb the gateway between the Mediterranean and the Indian Ocean, and the Straight of Hormuz.

Trump called on both sides to stop firing at each other, and return to negotiations, but is anyone listening to him? He was backed by Netanyahu when he started waging war with Iran, and it hasn't worked the way they presumed it would. Trump is openly angry that Netanyahu is waging war in Lebanon without regard for the conflict escalating, or for jeopardizing peace talks between America and Iran. It seems that Pakistan's diplomatic efforts at mediation have made progress. All this could be lost in the volatile and sensitive situation surrounding marine traffic through the Straight of Hormuz. America and Israel have the military power to enforce but not the wisdom and foresight to master a situation in which their adversaries hold essential territory and waterways which cannot be taken from them without making things worse for everyone.

Both Trump and Netanyahu are unpopular because of the impact of the war on their countries they cannot bring to an end, politically or diplomatically at the moment. Iran has survived regime change and is united in determined resistance to Western powers, likewise Hezbollah in Lebanon, both sustained by Shi'a Islamic spirituality. It seems to me that despite Iran's cruel and tyrannical regime, the people's strength and resilience has been underestimated by the West from the start.

Time now for early bed. I wish this would result in a better quality of sleep. I have suffered brain fatigue for most of the day.

Nobody is winning, some are profiting

Another overcast day with occasional drizzle, still feeling tired after an average night's disturbed sleep. We went to the Eucharist at St Catherine's. Sunday Club is back in session so the congregation was back to its usual size with forty adults and a dozen lively children. 

Clare's prosthetic hip joint was giving her pain, as it does when she stands after sitting for a while. The design and positioning of the pews too close together leaves only a narrow gap at floor level. On stepping out of the pew  It's necessary to manoeuvre carefully to get into the aisle without tripping.  I find this difficult, but it's harder for Clare as the required movement proved very painful. She needed support to walk to the altar. Sheila noticed her limping and kindly gave her a lift home. I stayed a little longer then walked back. Clare had started cooking by the time I arrived. I was grateful for this as I wasn't feeling well, lacking in energy. I slept for half an hour after lunch, then walked in Llandaff Fields for an hour. The light rain forecast for this afternoon didn't materialise.

Israel continues to pursue Hezbollah, attacking its strongholds in Southern Lebanon and Beiruit suburbs. No progress has been made on peace talks between Israel and Lebanon. Iran is firing missiles at Israeli targets. Israel's air defences may prevent most drones and missiles from hitting their targets, but air raid warnings are issued by mobile phone urging people to shelter from falling shrapnel as well as from drones and missiles which may get through. Palestinian mobile network SIMs to not receive these warnings only Israeli ones. Gaza and the West Bank are left vulnerable to attacks, whether successful or failed. but not Israeli settlers. Does Iran know or care about the consequences of its retaliations?

Ceasefire talks between America and Iran are still at a stalemate, and no wonder as Iran and America are exchanging fire in the Straight of Hormuz. It's now a hundred days since Trump's vain threats to topple the Iranian regime turned into what is in effect an undeclared war of questionable legality. The regime hasn't fallen and the consequences have been far reaching for the global economy and the whole Middle East. Trump came to power promising Americans "no more forever wars". His inconsistent and unpredictable leadership is delivering the opposite. Nobody is really winning apart from those profiting from armament sales and high unstable oil prices

Bed even earlier tonight to combat accumulated fatigue.

Sluggish system

Overcast with drizzle again this morning. I didn't sleep as well as I hoped I would. Shoulder pain made it difficult to get comfortable and settle. No Saturday breakfast pancakes today, as Clare was focused on her trip with Gail to the Steiner school year end gathering for leaving students. I recorded and edited Morning Prayer and Reflection for two Wednesdays hence as I had the house to myself. I need to plan ahead as I can never be certain how well I'll feel to do this at short notice. It's consolation for not preaching these days and I enjoy preparing and writing Reflections. 

 I made the video slide show and uploaded it to YouTube, then it was lunch time. As I was on my own, and didn't know when Clare was due to return. Assuming she was going to eat at school, I steamed potatoes and cauliflower and opened a can of tuna for an improvised lunch. I fell asleep in my armchair after eating. Later Clare arrived home and cooked herself an omelette. If only I'd known I could have cooked for both of us.

It was dull overcast and windy, when I walked for an hour and a half in Llandaff Fields at tea time. It's not at all like summer. When I checked my distance on the Google Health phone app it forced an elaborate security check on me to establish who I really was, using the Fitbit Versa and new software I didn't ask for and isn't as user friendly was the app it replaced. I've started coming across complaints on-line about the functionality and accuracy of Google Health. It feels more like a work in progress than a reliable asset. 

The security checks convey the impression that Android and Google are insecure about device ownership. The phone unlocks now with either a pin code or face recognition which is irritatingly slow and erratic in action. I've noticed the Android operating system is getting slower as time goes on. Background internet calls to send or receive all kinds of data automatically, essential or not, plus additional reliance on AI, mean an increased volume of data traffic makes demands on processing power and connectivity. The phone runs warmer sometimes and the battery doesn't last as long. No matter how powerful it is, traffic congestion is going to slow the device down.

We had a call from Rachel. Her cat Zeek is sick, maybe dying from toxins in their urban environment. It's upsetting for her, as Zeek is a communicative creature who likes company, except that now he disappears into neighbourhood gardens, and Rachel doesn't know if she'll see him again. She's planning to return to Cardiff to celebrate our diamond wedding in August, despite the uncertainty surrounding flight reliability and costs due to the war.

Middle Eastern peace talks seem to be getting nowhere. America attacks Iranian vessels blockaded in the Straight of Hormuz, and Iran launches missile and drones at US bases in Bahrain and Kuwait. Trump is facing increasing opposition to his policies. In the House of Representatives some Republicans joined the Democrats in passing a measure that seeks to halt moves by Trump to take further military action in Iran. It puts pressure on the Trump administration to find an end to the war, as US economic damage becomes more evident with rising prices. Trump's White House ballroom vanity project spending is likely to be obstructed by Congress, another sign of disapproval. A poor result for Republicans in mid-term elections could put even more pressure on him to change policy or lose support completely.

In the light of recent successful drone strikes on facilities in the St Petersburg area, Ukraine's President Zelenskyy has called on Putin to engage with him in talks. Putin has dismissed the invitation, but it may be seen as an embarrassment, implying that Putin's war hasn't achieved subjugation of Ukraine, despite the loss of life and cost to the Russian economy. Ukraine is demonstrating its ability to hit long range targets and inflict strategic damage to the Russian economy, as well as striking Moscow, something that's bound to unsettle Putin's loyal supporters. Each day I wake up wondering what's going to happen next. I hope and pray these foolish tyrants realise it's not in their best interests to continue waging war and consider an exit strategy from their futile acts of aggression. 

One small step

An overcast day with occasional rain showers. Another good night's sleep - two in a row! Admittedly I did feel sleepy for much of the morning, but not as poorly as I have done often in past months. After breakfast I made the Morning Prayer video slide-show and posted it to YouTube. Clare went out and I cooked pasta with the veggie chick pea dish for lunch when she returned. I slept soundly for another three quarters of an hour after we'd eaten. When I woke up an email invoice arrived from Dwr Cymru. My head was clear and my focus was sharp. I set about paying the bill online immediately and completed the process with neither hesitation nor apprehension. After the stroke with its associated trauma, I lost confidence in my ability to make digital transactions. This is the first occasion for me not to feel anxious or nervous about doing this. Kudos to Dwr Cymru for producing a clear user friendly website to facilitate this small step in recovery!

After supper Clare and I watched a BBC documentary about the foundation of the world's greatest science teamwork project, the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in the Pays de Gex. As Chaplain at Holy Trinity in Geneva I ministered to a congregation, many of whom worked at CERN most of their adult lives. What a privilege that was! I remember a guided tour of the installation when it was still a work in progress, but didn't recognise anyone in news footage showing some of the world's top scientists celebrating the finding for the Higgs Boson back in the day.

I spent the rest of the evening writing a biblical reflection to go with Morning Prayer in two weeks time and then it was already time for bed.

Check-up

The sky is filled with clouds on the move again today, with occasional glimpses of sunshine and the threat of rain. I slept quite well, despite irritation of my bladder and bowels robbing me of rest, leading to diarrhea and a miserable start to the day yet again. It's not due to a bug but to the impact of clot dispersal drugs on my digestive system. It's always worse if my diet has been protein rich. Heaven knows why.

After breakfast I went to the GP surgery for blood and blood pressure tests and a urine sample as well. I'm losing so much fluid at night, despite drinking a pint of water to compensate, my veins aren't easy for the phlebotomist to access and it took two separate attempts to draw blood. My blood pressure is very high. It's not surprising given the shock my digestive system is subjected to. My senses are dulled, thinking and reactions are lethargic. To recover, I have to rest though I'm not really tired, but feeling incoherent. Clare cooked lunch, and after more rest I made an effort to walk in Llandaff Fields for over an hour. There was a strong wind again. It cleared my head somewhat and boosted my energy. 

When I arrived home, Clare was out having an acupuncture and massage treatment. Her repaired hip joint is painful, and cause for concern. Why this should be happening has yet to be diagnosed. My concentration was good enough to record and edit the audio for next week's Morning Prayer. 

I spent the evening watching a couple of episodes of 'Les Invisibles', the French crimmie set in Lille. The series is about a team of detectives that focuses on identifying murder victims about whom nothing is known. The predominant accent of the characters is that of north eastern France, and is less familiar than the accents of the Midi, Paris or the Alps often heard in TV dramas, glimpsing the sub-titles to check what saw said was more necessary than usual.

Creative defence

I woke up at half past eight  to the sound of hammering and the whine of an electric screwdriver from the loft conversion work next door but one. Then the sound of torrential rain, which sounded like someone was spraying the bedroom window. I had a good night's sleep despite the usual disruptions nevertheless, but I didn't feel much benefit from it. When I was preparing to post today's Morning Prayer YouTube link to the Parish WhatsApp group, I noticed a typo in the title. I couldn't figure out how to edit this on my phone, so I got up and corrected it on my Chromebook before posting.

Despite the sun shining through the clouds, there was a drizzle of rain when I walked to St Catherine's for the Eucharist, and a downpour when I set out for home afterwards. There were eight of us this morning. Jean spotted that my face was drained of colour and asked if I was all right. I admitted that I wasn't. The clot dispersing medication I take upsets my bowels badly from time to time and drains me of energy. I didn't realise it was noticeable to others.

Clare cooked fish for lunch. I had a siesta afterwards, then went for an hour's walk in Llandaff Fields. It was very windy, but it didn't rain again, and I didn't feel so unsteady on my feet as I did earlier in the day. 

Despite peace talks in the Middle Eastern conflict and Trump claiming progress is being made, the reality makes him look foolish, and he faces mounting criticism as the mid term elections draw near. America has disabled a tanker exporting Iranian oil from the Straight of Hormuz. Iran has retaliated with missile and drone strikes on US supporting Gulf States including Kuwait Airport and Bahrain. 

In the past six months or so, news from conflict zones has been dominated by reports about military use of drones. Ukraine has succeeded in containing Russian advances in the Donbass region in a way that has been very costly to Russian casualties and equipment. The use of remote controlled drones to observe and fire on adversaries has advanced remarkably on both sides, benefiting defenders more than attackers. Into the fray now, remote controlled armed vehicles are appearing. The development and use of artificial intelligence in deploying aerial drone swarms is making a significant difference to what can be achieved on the battlefield tactically and strategically. 

Ukraine's ability to hit Moscow targets is dispelling the popular illusion of Russian invincibility. A drone strike on an oil terminal and a warship in St Petersburg last night occurred while an international economic forum opened in the city. A confident message from Ukraine that nowhere under Russian rule is safe. Last winter Ukrainian energy infrastructure and the city of Kyiv were bombarded by Russian and drone attacks at the coldest time of year. Ukraine's capability to hit long range targets, especially oil and munitions production facilities undermines Russia's ability to wage war, draining its resources. Putin's 'special military operation' led to courageous and determined resistance by Ukraine. Not only that, but it led to a surge in technological creativity and military innovation. Ukraine's experience and expertise in drone warfare is now being sought by those coping with conflict in the Middle East.

Israel continues to attack Hezbollah within Lebanese territory it has invaded and occupied. Talks between  the governments of Israel and Lebanon continue, though it's hard to see how progress can be made when Lebanon is fragmented and not strong enough to disarm Hezbollah, when under duress from Israel with Iran backing Hezbollah. The situation is unstable and chaotic to the benefit of Iran with its own expertise in drone warfare capable of wreaking havoc regionally. Despite the American blockade, it's still Iran that effectively controls traffic in the Straight of Hormuz, propagating an economic crisis that is affecting the world, especially poor underdeveloped countries.

Hopefully when a stalemate in conflict is reached that is too costly and unsustainable for all parties, with warmongers and demagogues discredited and support lost, there will be no alternative left to seek peace other than by dialogue and diplomacy. That's a day I pray will arrive soon.

No response

I had a terrible night's sleep. Each time I got up to empty my bladder I began to feel anxious about the hospital appointment I was facing at midday, to wear a blood pressure monitor for a day. It was a stressful uncomfortable experience last time, and I'm not sure what was gained from it anyway.

An email reply from the dental receptionist arrived telling me to phone for an appointment, though the reason I had emailed was because I had tried phoning twice and got no response. It was third time lucky however. I now have a checkup booked in a month's time.

Clare's study group arrived at ten. I was still feeling exhausted, and came to the conclusion that getting myself to UHW and subjecting myself to this procedure would only make me feel worse. I discussed this with group members and decided to call the cardiology unit to say I wasn't feeling well. I tried the two different contact numbers given for the cardiology unit and got no response. I couldn't even leave a message, so I rang the main switchboard and also got no response. I wrote a letter to the consultant explaining what happened and posted it first class mail before lunch. 

My anxiety dissipated and I slept soundly for an hour after eating, though brain fatigue dulled my senses and made me feel a little unsteady on my feet. I have a surgery appointment booked on Thursday this week for a blood test and blood pressure check in any case, a follow up on the mini-crisis in Tenby. In the end, I'm the only person who can protect me from exhaustion and getting over stressed. If it means saying 'No' to a medical system which makes exacting and complex demands on time and energy, and accused of being an uncooperative patient, so be it.

I walked to Thompson's Park, under a sky filled with fast moving clouds driven by a strong wind. Rain was threatened in the forecast but there was none. I counted five moorhen offspring, almost as big as their parents but not fully fledged around the weed strewn big pond. Sadly, I had left my camera at home. I only stayed out for half an hour, as I found the gusts of wind unnerving. When my senses aren't sharp as normal I'm instinctively cautious. Better safe than sorry. I walked again for nearly an hour before supper, hoping to clear my dulled senses with fresh air and exercise. I just wish I could get more rest.

A wet start to Summer

A cool and cloudy start morning with occasional rain showers. I slept quite well, despite pain from my strained right shoulder. Even so, I felt drowsy from the medication until I went out for exercise. After breakfast I started preparing another Morning Prayer and reflection. Then Clare and I went out for a walk around Llandaff Fields together before going to Jason's greengrocers to stock up on essentials. I cooked a spicy veg dish for lunch with cannellini beans, mushrooms, onions and carrots, flavoured with a mild curry paste as an experiment. The carrot added unexpected sweetness to the overall taste. 

I wrote an email to our dental practice receptionist, after failing twice to make contact by phone. I need to book a checkup appointment, to replace the one cancelled when I was in hospital. I hope I get a response, or I'll have to go there by bus and make the booking in person. I wrote to June's friend Elaine to inquire about my sister's health as she's not responding to my messages.

It was drizzling rain when I walked in the park at tea time under my brolly for nearly an hour. Thankfully, no brolly wrecking wind.  It's the first day of meteorological summer. A disappointing start in the light of the brief heat wave we had last week. It's been raining most over the evening.

Israel is occupying more territory in Lebanon in an effort to neutralize Hezbollah, which continues to send drones and missiles across the Israeli border. Ceasefire talks have changed nothing. The Lebanese state is too weak and disunited to disarm Hezbollah, or stand up to Iran which supports and arms what is in effect a state within a state. Israel's latest land grab has led to Iran suspending peace talks with America. Under pressure from Trump Israel and Hezbollah have agreed to stop attacking each other, but how long will this last. Iran threatens to pull out of peace talks, widening the scope of the conflict and completely close the Straight of Hormuz through which select traffic is passing. 

Maintaining this war is proving very costly for America in terms of expensive military hardware losses, estimated at $20 billion, with broader economic losses varying from a hundred billion to a trillion dollars so far. How much longer can America afford to sustain such costly aggression against an enemy capable of enduring much greater hardship, and showing how smart it can be in waging war? Despite American optimism about peace talks, perhaps aimed to keep the price of oil from rising further as much as anything else, Trump's claim to have the upper hand in this conflict, on the basis of its destruction of Iranian military assets so far doesn't seem to match reality. 

Trinity Sunday Baptisms

Bed at eleven up at eight thirty, but nearly three hours of intermittent wakefulness. As Owain is with us I have the opportunity of help to fill in my tax return, provided I can find my P60 income statements. My study is not quite chaotic, but in the throes of being organised. I've simply not felt well enough to harness the mental effort to do it, and get anxious about losing control of my affairs. I think it's part of the reason for losing sleep. I walked briskly to St Catherine's for the Eucharist in an effort to wake myself up. Clare stayed behind with Owain. There was a double baptism during the service this morning, a baby and a child of Junior School age. Quite suitable for a Trinity Sunday. There were only about forty of us, including the baptism family. It's half term week and many families with children are away.

After the service I went to Tesco's to buy some breakfast porridge oats as we ran out yesterday. Clare and Owain had already eaten a snack as they were about to go to St David's Spa for a swim, but left cooked veg and tuna fish for me. After I'd eaten I focused my attention on retrieving and checking the necessary documents for compiling an income statement for the tax man. 

At midday I had a SMS reminder about the blood pressure monitor fitting appointment on Tuesday next. I'm feeling unhappy about this. I found the experience stressful previously, and now even more so, as the sound and sensation of the device working brings back memories of trauma in A&E. I wonder if I should discuss this with one of our GPs?

My aim was to obtain Owain's support to check and file the tax account. With a list of previous income entries for guidance it wasn't difficult, with the exception of finding P60 pension documents from two small CofE diocesan supplementary pension schemes from Bristol and Worcester dioceses where I worked in the eighties. The most recent pair of these had not yet sent their P60, but I was able to track payments from bank statements. 

Owain investigated and found that the management of these funds had been taken over by another company. It may be that the P60s will arrive late due to the takeover, rather than me losing them. I can check another time. At least I had what I needed for my income statement, so that's one less worry. There's no hurry, so I may just wait until the next time Owain comes so he can supervise my filling in the on-line form. This is the measure of how much confidence I've lost about doing financial affairs online, something I used to take in my stride. At five he took his leave of us, and returned to Bristol. It was so good to have his company over the weekend.

Clare made a vegetable soup for supper, with the addition of some leftover pieces of ravioli. An interesting confection. Then I went out for a walk up and down Llandaff Fields as the sun was setting, which cleared my head at last. I heard the Green Woodpecker's eerie call as I turned for home. One of the neighbourhood resident blackbirds sang at dusk, as they do also at first light. Such a calming sound at bed time.

A Blue Moon wish

Another glorious blue sky sunny day to wake up to, comfortably warm to start with, but the temperature rising to 25C during the morning, cloudy and a cooling wind in the afternoon. My shoulder is less painful today but I could have done with more sleep after half a dozen awakenings in the night. Despite this, my head was clearer when I got up, clearer than yesterday. I can't figure out what makes the difference between a bad start to the day and a good one.

Clare cooked crispy buckwheat pancakes for breakfast, then went food shopping. I exchanged messages with Sara about recovering from joint and muscle damage, reflecting on how much learning Chi Gung has helped me to maintain strength and balance since the stroke, and prevent my strained shoulder from seizing up - so far so good anyway.

After lunch I walked for nearly two hours in Llandaff and Pontcanna Fields. On my way back I met Owain carrying a bunch of flowers for his Mam, and a big pork sausage bap for me, bless him! He's in good spirits, relaxed thanks to the benefit of his recent short holiday in Lisbon. We agreed on getting a takeaway supper - just salad for me. Eating less in the evening will, I hope, enable me to have a less disturbed night's sleep.

Owain and I went for a sunset walk in Llandaff Fields. The clouds were beautifully lit in orange and pink hues. Sadly it means there's little hope of seeing the rising of the Blue Moon, the second full moon of this month. If only America and Iran, Israel and Lebanon could agree to permanent cease fire terms. That really would be a historic  'once in a blue moon' occasion.

Peace talks between America and Iran are still stalled. While there is some traffic through the Straight of Hormuz, the blockade of Iranian ports continues, and Iran is not yielding to pressure. A key issue is Iran's stocks of enriched uranium which can be used for peaceful energy production or nuclear weapons. America insists these stocks must be destroyed. It's stupid rhetoric. Radio active substances can be diluted and dispersed for secure containment in other countries willing to accept them, but not destroyed.

Neither side trusts the other and Trump is determined to force the issue one way or another. The Americans keep on saying there is progress on cease-fire talks, but nothing seems to be happening. The price of oil stays high and fluctuates every time there is a new pronouncement from Washington or Tehran. Every variation is a money making opportunity for the global energy market. Cynical commentators say it's a new version of 'insider trading'.

Whatever peace talks are going on in Lebanon, Israel continues to treat the whole country as a battlefield in its war against Hezbollah. Over three thousand have been killed and a million displaced. In Gaza over two hundred have been killed since the ceasefire and forcible displacement of the Palestinian population from their land already in ruins from war against Hamas. The Israeli government's violent ethnic cleansing policy and subjugation of Palestinian people is a moral outrage. It will do nothing to secure a peaceful future for the region, apart from adding to the reservoir of violent hatred between Israelis and Arabs. With America doing little to restrain the Israeli government, this could lead to violent revenge attacks in the United States. The belief that 'might is right' is a form of idolatry, the ideology of fools.

Musical nostalgia

I woke up at eight to the noise of hammering and drilling from loft conversion work next door but one, but dozed for another hour. One way or another, I had a good night's sleep. I felt slightly queasy rather than light headed after getting up and having breakfast. Although I didn't feel tired my head felt congested though not aching, an odd sensation. Clare and I had hairdo appointments with Chris at lunchtime. I decided to give mine a miss and not take the risk of feeling worse when I'm out and about. In the past, queasiness has been a side effect of what medications do to my stomach especially slow release capsules. Eating live kefir yoghurt generally relieves the symptoms, and is included in our regular diet, though not over the past few days, so I went out and bought some, and it had the desired result. It's disturbing to think that medications are intended to prevent strokes or heart attack undermine the healthy functioning of the digestive tract. 

While I was out shopping I bought a pack of chicken legs to cook in a casserole. In the fridge I found some uncooked new potatoes left from a change in menu yesterday, and roasted them in oil on the lid of the casserole turned up side down - a convenient way to benefit from the oven heat. I don't know why I didn't think of this before.

Kath and Anto reported with pleasure on Rhiannon's successful end of year Fashion Design show and sent us a video clip of her posing with her exhibits, a huge smile and delight shining in her eyes. She's doing well and obviously loving the course.

I recorded and edited the audio for next Wednesday's Morning Prayer after lunch, then walked in Llandaff Fields for an hour and a quarter. After supper I made the slide show video to go with Morning Prayer and uploaded it to YouTube. Then we watched Paul McCartney being interviewed in a Radio 2 special called 'Tracks of my years' reflecting on ten records which embody the influences and inspirations of his musical life story. An hour of pure nostalgia, starting from 1956, the year I started Grammar School, and first heard Elvis and the Beatles songs on the radio, or on family record players. Happy days indeed, filled with memories of a world so different in many ways from nowadays.

Beware digital tyranny

Despite the heat I had a good night's sleep, though it left me feeling light headed after taking my meds for the day. High cloud and cooling wind from the west limited the afternoon air temperature to 24C, which is hot enough.

After breakfast, I worked on a biblical reflection on Luke's story of the giving of the Lord's Prayer. Clare called me from town to ask if I would prepare lunch, which I did at short notice, so it was ready by the time she got home. I met Rufus at Cafe Castan for coffee and chat after lunch. He's very busy in his work with Missions to Seafarers, involving a lot of travel and organising volunteers. 

Sadly the response to his ministry from the Church in Wales leaves much to be desired - an institution in survival mode tending to turn in on itself, away from the concerns of the wider world. I get the impression that morale is low among clergy approaching retirement age, drained by decades of struggle against slow  decline. We're among the number of faithful who have come to feel like strangers in the household of God, as it manages its own demise. 

The demise of physical parking permits and imposition of digital parking permits in our car crowded area is leading to many complaints on our neighbourhood WhatsApp group. The system is comple. The permit managing app is giving users grief. Civil Parking Enforcement officers are having a field day issuing fines to parked cars, some of which may have tried to use the app and failed, or entered details incorrectly.  It is possible to pay using one's mobile phone SMS, and by calling a live operator, but the volume of demand for this large enough to jam the system. 

Clare wants to pay for a permit for one user, but it's far from clear how this is meant to work when a house has no set parking space, only a designated zone in which there may not be an available space anyway.. In order to obtain a digital permit, Clare needed our Council Tax reference number. It's in a document in a physical file cabinet that's so old it's falling apart. Once every file was properly labelled, but over the years many of there have detached themselves. Taking out folders from a ground level cabinet in a poorly lit corner of my decrepit pre-digital office to examine them isn't easy. It's precarious. Bending over threatens to provoke a nose bleed. 

I already had a nose bleed earlier today sitting quietly, trying to figure out how to respond to an NHS appointment SMS with a distinctly ambiguous labelled response button, as the respond by date was yesterday. I was about to go to the GP surgery and ask them to decode this for me when Jorja arrived for her house cleaning session. She dialled the mobile number from which the SMS was sent, something I had assumed wouldn't ring out as such automated messages can come from a server that blocks return calls in favour of messages from the auto response button. Jorja called the mobile number anyway and got to speak to a real human being, and identified me as the recipient of the SMS. It turned out there was a date error in the message I was sent. The impact of over-reliance on 'smart' digital forms of administration and management is generating more chaos than order, as we are seeing with the EU's electronic passport gate network. Clever people are making stupid and costly strategic decisions because they don't consider the human element and regard people as immutable cogs in a machine.

In November the spacecraft Voyager 1 passes a distance equivalent to one day's travel at the speed of light. A story about human teamwork is being told which celebrates the truth that human beings at their best are anything but immutable cogs. 

'A spacecraft built by people, many of whom are no longer alive, was rescued by people who had retired — called back specifically because the knowledge of how Voyager works had become rare enough to be precious. The fix required no new hardware, no rocket, no rescue mission. It required old engineers, deep institutional memory, two days of patience, and an extraordinarily careful understanding of a computer designed before most of the modern world existed. Voyager 1 is now so far away that its signal, travelling at the speed of light, takes most of a day to reach us. In November 2026 it will cross a strange threshold — it will be a full light-day from Earth.'

In the past thirty years, communication technologies and social networks have brought about huge upheavals in culture and relationships influencing values and social priorities. Whether something is popular rather than just, true or correct is unduly influencing moral thinking, or perhaps just distracting attention from the pursuit of truth. Making sense of this from a disciplined Christian perspective and challenging where necessary is vitally important. Especially given the rise and rise of AI. 

Pope Leo has been outspokenly critical in his first encyclical 'Magnifica Humanitas' published this week. An important contribution about human value and the dignity of God's children in an era when computer algorithms are so powerful they threaten to eclipse real human intelligence. To trust and rely on such digital devices of our own making to reason for us, is to my mind, nothing but idolatry.

After Rufus and I parted company I walked home, had a drink, then went out again and walked for an hour before supper. As the sun reached the horizon, I went out again for a breath of fresh air in the cool evening breeze before bed.

Mona's thoughts on the Haj

A hot and sweaty night, though I managed to sleep fairly well, but didn't feel as if I'd slept enough, and felt physically tired. It wasn't brain fatigue, my head was clear enough, if a little slow thinking at first. A cooling wind from the west brought the temperature down below 30C today. Meadow Street was noisy again when I got up with the sound of scaffolding being erected and the workers' loud conversation. A loft conversion is under way a few doors down from us. 

I posted the YouTube Morning Prayer link to WhatsApp just after 'Thought for the Day' Mona Siddiqui reflected on the significance of the annual Haj pilgrimage to Mecca which started last Sunday night. Saudi Arabia has been under attack in recent months from Iranian allies like other America supporting Gulf States. She remarked on the presence of anti-missile defence batteries around the holy city protecting the 1.5 million pilgrims arriving in even greater numbers this year despite Trump's war. She interpreted this as expressing the people's faith in God defying their own fear, and refusing to let themselves be defined by uncontrollable chaos and anxiety unleashed by regional conflict.

Despite getting up in good time, I arrived five minutes late at the St Catherine's Eucharist, detained at home by my irritable bowel which runs on a timetable of its own. There were ten of us this morning, including Pam who's been housebound for months. It was good to see her looking well, and happy to be among friends again. I settled accounts with Ann for our Tenby stay and she brought me home in her car to collect the key to their Sandy Reach apartment.

I prepared the veg to cook for lunch, and Clare cooked ravioli stuffed with ricotta and chicken or spinach, bathed in our best olive oil. It was a pleasant change, and good to find that a pasta enriched with egg and a cheesy filling didn't give me indigestion. Then, a stimulating acupuncture session with Peter, one which literally made my feet tingle. Despite the stress and sleep losses of the past couple of weeks my body has responded well to the ups and downs of changing routine. I won't need a session so often from now on.

Clare also had a session with Peter this afternoon as well, but got muddled about her destination and went first in the opposite direction to the clinic where we have osteo massage treatment with Clive. Fortunately Peter didn't have another client at that time and all ended well. 

I had a rest when I got home, though I didn't sleep, and went out for a walk before supper. Banners for an orienteering event had been planted in Llandaff Field, marking the start and finish points for the day's course. It made me think of Sara and Gunnar as they are keen on orienteering in the countryside outside of Gothenburg. I took a photo and sent it to her.

Having completed my daily mileage quota, I started getting ready for bed before sunset, hoping for extra rest. Sometimes I feel as if I'm wearing myself out, as I rarely feel fully recovered after a night of broken sleep.

Stalemate

Another 30+C clear blue sky day of sunshine. It stayed warm overnight with the usual sleep interruptions from my bladder and painful shoulder. Rubbing the joint with Voltarol when the discomfort woke me up in  the night, made a difference however, but robbed me of an hour's sleep. The house next door but one is having work done on its roof. A work gang started before eight this morning. Scaffolding poles banging against the terrace walls with a thump woke me up, together with the loud non-stop talking of the gang leader, continuing all morning. If this was Switzerland a policeman would have been summoned to tell the gang to work without disturbing the domestic peace.

Only Fran came to study with Clare after breakfast. I confined myself to the front room and fell asleep for an hour and a half after saying Morning Prayer. I started to wake up after Fran left. Thankfully for a change, I escaped the effect of sleep loss. Clare cooked mackerel for lunch, with red cabbage and brown rice, followed by raspberries with ice cream and chocolate sauce to follow. We ate in the garden, and when the breeze died down it felt really hot under the sunshade, the kind of heat I associate with Spain.

After lunch, a walk to the shops on Cowbridge Road East with a stop to collect prescription items from the pharmacy in King's Road before buying a few more items I needed. I still can't find a suitable antiseptic liquid to replace TCP since the supply chain broke down. I meant to ask in Boots this afternoon but there was a queue to be served so long it snaked around the store. I'll try again another day. Walking the streets with the sun still casting short shadows was a bit like going near a furnace on times. Rather than extend my walk into the park, I returned home straightaway, to shelter in the relative coolness of the house. After supper, I went out and walked for an hour to complete the rest of my daily distance before settling down for the night. The sunset was spectacular, made special by the sound of the Cathedral bell ringing practice in the distance. It was over 32C in Bute Park this afternoon, a record breaking high temperature for May,  Europe is heating up faster than anticipated, an indication of things to come.

Despite peace talks during a cease fire between Iran and America fighting over access to the Straight of Hormuz and to Iranian ports continues, very little oil traffic gets through and the economic fall out grows and gets more serious in its effect. Trump's team makes optimistic noises about imminent progress, but in effect there has been no change. It seems the Americans are trying to talk their way out of a stalemate in an attempt to quell the rising price of oil. Israel keeps punishing Lebanon in its war against Hezbollah, with cease fire talks supposed to continue in the background. Iran threatens to extend the war beyond the region's borders if American and Israeli aggression continues. It has shown its military effectiveness with missile and drone attacks across the Middle East, and has Russia's discreet background support. 

The US  mid-term elections in November will no doubt reflect dissatisfaction over the war and the economy under Trump, and may well shift the balance of support away from him and his costly Middle Eastern interventions. How this war may actually be brought to an end in such circumstances is unpredictable. Chaos has spread throughout the region, with Iran's allies, for reasons of survival or taking revenge against US backed Gulf States, no longer fully under control of the leadership in Tehran. Gulf States which have benefited from their relationship with America in the past are seeing their economies and infrastructure damaged. How will this influence their partnership with and reliance on the United States in future? Whatever happens in the mid-term elections, future relationships seem unpredictable.

As hot as Spain

A comfortably warm night, a consolation as a painful shoulder added to my wakefulness. It's hotter than Málaga here today - 30C, as opposed to 23C on the Costa del Sol. I had a lazy morning indoors out of the sun. It wakes me time to acclimatize, and as medications dehydrate me, extra care drinking enough water is vital. The heat is going to persist for a while, the media already talks of a heat wave and record breaking high temperatures.

I read an article about saving wear and tear on a digital hard drive by disabling its 'fast boot' setting, Both my Windows 11 devices have digital hard drives and were several years old when I bought them. Length of life with a used device is uncertain, so better safe than sorry. It took a while to find the relevant means to disable the setting - it's not as if I need to boot up extra quickly, when my uses for a Windows 11 device are limited. If I want speed, I have the convenience of a Chromebook as a writing and editing tool, and can live with its limitations. Sound and video editing are what I use Windows for. With practice I could do the same on a Linux device, but learning how to achieve this habitually at speed would be an effort when my brain is sluggish and dull for lack of sleep. Remembering how to find and use the legacy Windows Control Panel to disable 'fast boot' was a slow exercise. As I don't use my Honor laptop often, undates were needed which took a couple of hours to download and install. 

Meanwhile Clare baked sausages and potatoes, and cooked green and red cabbage for lunch in the garden under the shade of our umbrella sunshade. A family of sparrows in the vegetation on top of the garden wall accompanied us with their chirruping while we ate. After a siesta in my armchair, I walked for an hour in Llandaff Fields. The afternoon sun was very strong and I navigated a course from one patch of tree shade to another to avoid sunburn. There was a cooling breeze from the west, but the wind was pleasantly warm, a change from how it has been for months.

I went out again after supper as the temperature began to drop, this time for a circuit of Thompson's Park. I saw one moorhen on its nest, but instead of the other parent at the water's edge there was a juvenile bird which had shed its hatchling down and was growing its flight feathers. It probably hatched while we were in Tenby. I wonder if there's a second clutch of eggs under the bird on the nest? Time will tell.

I completed by daily distance returning home, and started getting ready for bed.  I rubbed Voltarol into my shoulder when I got up this morning and it hasn't been painful during the day. Hopefully I can make up for last night's broken sleep. It left me feeling light headed and a bit unsteady for most of the day.

Quiet Pentecost

I got to bed by ten thirty but had an uncomfortable night's sleep, due to shoulder pain. When I eventually woke up it was ten o'clock. A day of clear sky and bright sunshine, 25C. I slept better than I felt I would, given the pain. I had to rush to get myself to St Catherine's by ten forty five and arrived during the first hymn. As it's a Bank Holiday weekend, parents with children were absent. There were about thirty present, half the number, our faithful choir. 

We had lunch in the garden under our big umbrella sunshade, eating the chick pea and veg I prepared for yesterday's lunch, to which Clare added a dash of curry spice. After lunch, Pete called in bearing a copy of Diana's latest novel, just published. What a lovely surprise!

A lovely afternoon for a walk along the edge of Pontcanna Fields along the so-called Spine Road. It's lined with tall trees in full leaf. It looks magnificent and provides ample shade for humans and cover for robins, wrens, thrushes, blackbirds, collared doves and starlings to sing their hearts out against a background of children's excited shrieks as they chase each other around playing football. The aroma of meat roasting on picnic barbecues pervades the air. It's lovely to see so many people enjoying the park.

A quiet evening after supper, catching up on news until the light began to fade. Cue for an early bed time, in the hope of another restful night and minimal sleep disturbance. Life is so much less stressful when I'm not overtired.

Surprise turn

The weather gradually gets warmer each day, under a thin layer of high cloud, but it's cooler at night. The house stays relatively cool as the building itself takes a long time to warm up and stay warm. I notice this as I'm more sensitive to cold than I used to be, and need to wear extra layers until it becomes really hot. I remember my mother quoting the proverb "Never cast a clout until May is out." or was it 'the May is out' meaning May blossom, which already appeared before the end of April. We're already in the last week of May and it's possible to go out with no top coat at last, even if there's a wind. I notice other walkers more thinly clad than me. I don't generate as much heat walking slower and aim to stay comfortably warm in whatever way I can. 

Although I had a fair night's sleep, I wasn't comfortable, losing three hours to bladder interruptions, and I'm not fully awake until well after breakfast - Saturday pancakes this morning followed by doing nothing until it was time for lunch. Clare went out shopping, leaving a bag of frozen chick peas to thaw. I assumed this was intended for lunch and got busy with making a veggie sauce to cook them in. I didn't notice the   message  arriving to say she was bringing home fish and chips for lunch. Ooops! My savoury dish will have to wait until tomorrow, or go in the freezer.

After we'd eaten I walked in Llandaff Fields, and my head began to clear of sleepiness that slowed down my brain and reactions. As I walked back along Penhill Road, a man wearing a rucksack reversed out of his front gate on my left hand side without looking, hauling a push chair behind him right into my path  when I was just two paces behind him. Not only did I see him, but responded quickly enough to swerve and avoid a collision. He appeared in the corner of my left eye where my field of vision was impaired by the stroke. The sun was bright, he was partly in shadow. My physical reaction didn't lag behind my perception of a possible collision and I wasn't thrown off balance. 

This unexpected gift astonished me. There have been other moments too lately. Occasionally in this spell of bright sunshine, I started to experience  faint sparkles of coloured light in the left hand corner of my field of vision, the area which was darkened enough in the early months of recovery for me not to notice things on the upper and lower periphery of my vision. It led to collisions or near misses with overhanging foliage, rubbish bins and a protruding gate parapet, but it has slowly improved with the passage of time. The neuro-plasticity of the brain as it's called means repair happens with suitable stimulus. Something special to thank God for this afternoon.

I went out again and walked around Thompson's Park to complete my daily distance. The moorhen pair are taking turns to sit on their nest in the pond. I watched them change shifts. I don't think their eggs are  hatched yet. 

Owain returned from his excursion to Lisbon and sent us photos. Then after supper, he video called and told us all about it. He was impressed by the low cost public transport system, metro, trams, cheap taxis and buses. The city  is apparently very hilly. No wonder he sounded tired after his trip. It reminded me to take myself to bed earlier.

Google imposes unwanted upgrade

My right shoulder is weak from ski injuries thirty years ago and I strained my right shoulder carrying travel cases on our Tenby trip. Lying in bed on my back last night was painful. Propping myself up to get out of bed for a pee several times made it worse. I tried swapping direction - head to toe - so that I could prop myself up with my left arm instead and that helped, but I still lost four hour's sleep after ten in bed, and thankfully didn't feel worse for wear after taking my meds, just tired, as if I was on a long haul flight. A message from Ann said that her phone charger had arrived in today's mail. Next day delivery from West to East with first class post is still possible it seems.

I recorded and edited next Wednesday's Morning Prayer and Reflection before lunch, then slept for a while before an hour's afternoon walk in Llandaff Fields. I walked again for half an hour after supper. When my legs and brain are tired, I try not to push myself too hard or in too sustained a way. 

When I checked my fitbit phone app for the first time today, I was shocked to find it had been supplanted by the Google Health app. There was a warning notification a few days ago that this would happen, and it didn't say the user had no choice about this. The fancy user interface is not as simple, and it takes time to find your way around. I noticed that the phone app showed an estimate of an hour and three quarters more sleep than the Fitbit's smart watch dial. How long I wonder, before Google ends support for the device and effectively turns it into another piece of electronic waste?

Rachel called us from an airport departure lounge in Las Vegas early in her morning, waiting for a flight to Sacramento in California to spend some time relaxing and making music with a percussionist friend. She used her accumulated Air Miles to cover the cost of an internal flight. It's amazing when you think about it, and useful in a time when Trump's war  with Iran has pushed up prices, and brought the western world to the brink of aviation fuel shortages.

 

A new use for sand

In addition to the usual broken sleep I had a nose bleed when I got up in the night. Fortunately it didn't last long. Will I ever be able to shake off this wretched tiredness? All I can do is rest, relax and try to recover.  Ann took her leave of us at midday and went to the station by taxi. I found her phone charger, left behind in a bedroom socket when rearranging the room. Clare found a suitable mailing envelope and I went to the Post Office and sent it off to Ann after lunch. 

The sky is blue with scattered clouds today, and it's eighteen degrees. Being used to unpredictable weather, I went out to the Post Office wearing a rain jacket I didn't need, and felt the heat. I didn't drink enough when I got up this morning, which added to my feeling poorly with slow reactions. I made up for it when I got back home however, and slowly improved.

I had an exchange of messages with Owain, who's currently on holiday in Lisbon, networking with techno buddies he's met on-line. He's having a good time, and I look forward to hearing about it when he returns.

After a lunch of prawns with mushrooms, onion, and cabbage, I responded to an invitation to attend Ty Mawr's annual meeting of Associates explaining that since my stroke traveling to the convent isn't possible for me any longer, and large social events with a group of friends and strangers are too much stimulus for me to cope with at present. I have to be honest about my limitations. Our Tenby holiday was far too tiring for me, and will take me a week to recover from. it's a real shame, as the speaker is Canon Ali Grey, a Associate priest and psychiatrist whose subject is 'Eco-anxiety: A Christian response to the impact of the climate crisis .... If you are not disturbed by this, then you are not paying attention.' Intriguing.

Although the Americans express optimism about peace talks with Iran, despite the unstable cease-fire, deadlock in the conflict continues. Trump's coercive rhetoric and unpredictable behaviour have yielded no progress. Israel continues its war against Hezbollah in which over 3,000 have been killed in Lebanon, despite on-going peace talks between Lebanon and Israel. Meanwhile, the Saudis are working on an oil pipeline that will circumvent the Straight of Hormuz. The sale of solar panels to plug the energy gap will be hugely beneficial to China. While these are work-around solutions to this crisis, this could well end up changing the economics of energy production in the Middle East. Saudi Arabia's oil wealth enables it to invest in alternatives to fossil fuels and innovate. The Finns have developed 'sand batteries', to store heat energy from electricity generated by wind or wave power. This can be converted back into electricity by means of steam turbine electricity generators. Saudi Arabia is not exactly short of this raw material!

I walked in Llandaff Fields until supper time. I sat on a park bench in the sunshine and nearly dozed off. I hope I sleep better tonight.

Sleep starved

I had the usual broken night's sleep and woke up at first light as the Velux blind wasn't completely closed. My strained right shoulder was painful and it wasn't easy to manoeuvre in and out of bed to empty my bladder. Thankfully the bed is comfortable so I slept fairly well despite the disturbances. At eight thirty I posted today's YouTube Morning Prayer link to What'sApp then got up for breakfast. I was up before the others, having a lie-in after yesterday's journey, then went to the Eucharist at St Catherine's. There were six of us this morning, with several regulars away. I felt tired and stressed out when I got to church, but much calmer afterwards.

Clare and Ann went off to the National Museum to view the exhibition of Gwen John's paintings and had lunch there, leaving me to cook Tagliatelli with a tuna sugo for myself. I started preparing Wednesday Morning Prayer in the Octave of Pentecost, and a reflection on the Gospel about the child with an unclean spirit, who has a tantrum and shocks onlookers with his foul mouthed rant. Jesus rebukes the spirit. Earlier Jesus is reported as rebuking a storm - the word means to sharply criticize someone, or express strong disapproval, which seems rather odd when addressed to a force of nature. Rebuking a spirit is not exactly a telling off for the person, but rather the negative energy their behaviour conveys - chaotic energy in other words. God's Word orders the primordial chaos at the beginning of creation. You could say it 'rebukes' the chaos. This rather figurative use of language reminds the reader or listener of who is being revealed by the works and words of Jesus. A kid in a tantrum spoken to in a quiet sympathetic way can have calm restored in the midst of emotional turmoil.

After reflecting on this and writing about it, I went for a slow walk in Llandaff Fields though I felt very tired. I needed the fresh air and the birdsong to lift my spirits. Clare ordered a take away from Stefano's for supper. After my large pasta lunch, I didn't feel like eating much more today. I slept for an hour while they ate their meal, which finally cleared my head. Then I got up and just ate fruit with yoghourt. A light meal before returning to sleep once more. One way or another I'll get the rest I need.

False Alarm

Another night of broken sleep, and not enough of it, but at least the couch was more comfortable. After breakfast we packed our bags and stripped the beds. We were more or less ready to leave by nine thirty when there was a fire alarm test, like one we had last week, only this time the alarm didn't stop, and it was painfully loud. Fortunately we could remove our belongings from the apartment and leave as intended for the walk to the station. I had to walk around as much as possible with fingers in both ears, as the alarm was located in the corridor a metre above us and I didn't want to rupture an ear drum. Another loud alarm was ringing outside as well. Apartment residents gathered in the courtyard and waited. There was no sign of fire in the property. We had to leave and there was no indication that there would be any head count, but I rang Ann and left her a message to tell her what happened in case she had a call from someone asking for an account of the occupants of each apartment. After ten minute or so, a fire engine arrived, and we were told, as we were leaving that it had been a 'false alarm', presumably a fault in the alarm network revealed something wasn't working as intended.

Clare called for a taxi but found that none were available, so we walked to Tenby station - downhill most of the way thankfully. We had to walk over a footbridge to reach the eastbound platform, not easy with a heavy suitcase, then waited half an hour for a train. The weather was good and the view of the coast was equally lovely on the return trip. We had a picnic lunch and I was able to relax and unwind. Throughout the return journey I noticed many lighter shades of green in the variations of passing landscape. What a joy to behold!

After my conversation yesterday with Ann about connection timing, I timed the walk from getting off the train on platform zero to the ticket barrier accessing platform 1. Five minutes with a crowd of passengers, all needing to use the same lift. I'm sure there used to be stairs here. According to Google Maps this transit takes one minute. From ticket gate to platform 1, add another 2-3 minutes. Heaven help anyone with mobility issues or a pushchair for kiddies to manage. I must report this, as it seriously affects people expecting to use an eastbound fast connecting train. We took a taxi home and arrived at three.

Before unpacking, I went to the GP surgery to deliver A&E discharge documents ordering a blood test. Coincidentally a GP letter arrived in the morning mail asking me to book an appointment for a a blood test and blood pressure test. There was also a follow up letter about an appointment to fit me with a blood pressure measuring device for a week in the same batch of mail. I anticipate the outcome will be that I'll be prescribed another blood pressure reducing medication, adding to the misery I experienced previously. What I would most benefit from most would be a quieter less stressful life with fewer disruptions and distractions with more time to sort out my life. The past couple of weeks have exhausted me.

After a supper of savoury rice with salmon, I walked for half an hour in Llandaff Fields. The trees' leaf canopy is noticeably denser after two weeks away. Little light gets through the branches, and the trees appear a darker green. 

Breaking routine and getting to bed in the attic required a bit more organising than usual. Although we all retired at ten, I gave way to the others and was last. It took me an hour to organise myself, as I'd not yet unpacked my case. I hope I can settle in an unfamiliar room which I've not slept in since before the stroke.

Desperate for more sleep

Another bad night's sleep on the couch. The Fitbit or the app may be faulty, which wouldn't be surprising as Google has imposed Google Health, whatever that is, on the working of the fitbit app. It may be that the app just stopped working for four hours. It could be something to do with an internet connectivity glitch interrupting the device telemetry. At least I don't feel terrible! 

When I woke up at daybreak, I peeped out of the lounge curtains and saw a bullfinch poised on the garden bench nearby. It's the first time I've ever seen one, let alone at close quarters. 

Ann and Clare have decided to return to Cardiff tomorrow and stop with us  overnight before travelling to London. It's the best way to reduce the uncertainty about the train connection on a Bank Holiday. 

When I was in the bathroom I had a phone call from Withybush A&E about coming in for a blood test. I said the journey was too stressful after a bad night of sleep, and I need rest and quietness. A note will be sent to our GP. I can book a blood test when I get home.

I had savoury black beans cooked with fried onion and mushroom, Ann and Clare had omelettes. They went to the train station afterwards to buy tickets for tomorrow. I slept for another hour and went for a slow walk as the drizzle had stopped

I had a WhatsApp message exchange with Kath at tea time, and an hour later a voice call with Rachel. She sang me a song she's practicing for a gig.  The recording app on my phone refused to record the song live, so I recorded it on my digital dictator and changed the .wma file format to .mp3 using Google's Cloud Convert to email it to her instead.

We all went to bed by ten. I was too tired, and didn't want to fight the wind and rain to walk my full daily distance. I found a thick blanket and folded it in layers to serve as an extra cushion for the couch in the hope of a less uncomfortable and longer night's sleep.

Ascension Baptism at St Mary's

A very disturbed night. I ended up sleeping on the sofa and being woken up at eight when Ann and Clare got up at eight. We went to the St Mary's Parish Eucharist at ten. In addition to the regular congregation of about seventy, there was a large family group attending for a baptism during the service. Fr Steve preached a stirring Ascensiontide sermon, as well as celebrating and baptizing a baby girl named Lola. He wasn't wearing a radio mic. and used his strong voice to announce and give instructions, quite a strain nevertheless, as it's a big church with two aisles as well as the nave and chancel

There was a buzz of excited chatter to start with. After the Christening it was much quieter as the baptism party left the church during the exchange of the Peace. It reminded me of hearing Greek Orthodox clergy declare 'The Doors, the Doors!' before the Peace, the moment at which Cathechumens were excluded from the eucharistic Mysteries and left the church after the Liturgy of the Word in the Byzantine rite. 

I returned to Croft Court straight after the service rather than go with them for coffee and a snack lunch. I was feeling the after effects of sleep loss and in need of peace and quiet. I dozed for a while, then cooked myself tagliatelli with the remains of the black bean sugo I made a few days ago. Clare and Ann returned and I went out for a walk as far as South Beach calling in Tesco's to buy a couple of tins of fish. I'm staying in tonight, while they eat out. I still find restaurants uncomfortable, especially when I'm tired. Too much stimulus to cope with. I just crave peace and quiet.

I had the apartment to myself for supper with rye bread and sardines  then went out for a sunset walk. Ann and Clare returned satisfied with their enjoyable meal. Ann had to prepare for her return journey on a Bank Holiday weekend, involving a change to the Paddington train in Cardiff. Not as simple as it sounds. TFW Metro system trains arrive at the peripheral platform zero, from which a lift descends to the booking hall for access to main line platforms. Allow for a five to ten minute walk, depending on the number of people on the move at that time and there's an element of uncertainty about making the connection. Best for an older person walking slowly, lugging a case to avoid or plan for. 

In addition a timetable change had taken effect making it more difficult to establish the accuracy of information provided when booking the ticket. The TFW website isn't user friendly, too much information, no place where you can view a train timetable directly of the kind you'd see on a station platform. You can only access information by giving information about the ticket you propose to buy. There's an assortment of train apps which are equally complicated. Google provides a schedule summary fortunately, but this doesn't always display unless the right wording is used. We could find no reassurance to the uncertainty this produced. In the end, we all attempted to get an early night.

Landmark moment?

It seems that I'm feeling the cold much more than Clare or Ann. Both find the apartment comfortable and warm, and wonder if it's something to  do with my metabolism or a side effect of the medication. I'm none the worse for yesterday's medication chaos, but getting up in the night half a dozen times to empty my bladder, I lose body heat and it takes ages to warm up and return to sleep. If I leave an arm trailing outside the blankets, the arm gets cold, then my exposed shoulder ... etc. Eleven hours in bed last night, four hours sleep lost. 

I remember this effect during my covid sojourn in Ibiza. Night time sea air seems to draw heat from my body when the temperature is ten to eleven degrees. If it's ten degrees higher, the air doesn't have a chilling effect. At home I can add a fleece jacket if I feel cold, but didn't bring one with me as I had too much to carry. I'll have to wrap up warmer from now on, bed clothes aren't enough. I may have less sub-cutaneous body fat now as I'm fifteen kilos lighter than I was in my sixties. Waking up and getting going was a slow process. 

It was cloudy with occasional drizzles of rain when Clare and Ann went shopping after breakfast. I stayed behind and rested to recover mental and physical energy and cooked lunch for myself, as the others had a snack lunch in town. Then I slept for over an hour before going out for a walk when the rain stopped. The wind is a little warmer today than it has been since we arrived.

 It's been nine months since the stroke. Rufus said it took him nine months to be rid of brain fog and regain clarity and mental sharpness. It's a landmark moment in recovery. I think this is true for me, sort of. I'm not getting the quality of sleep I need to avoid cumulative brain fatigue. This affects the coherence of my perception and memory. I don't forget much over time, but retrieval and retention is slow or erratic, and linked to my need for visual or memorised cues. Working hard to exercise and rebuild the required neural pathways in the brain is essential, but fatigue sabotages the effort. It reminds me of how physical muscles behave when recovering from exercise or from a night's sleep. I'm anxious about losing control and failing to get done that which must be done, conscious of time running out. Sometimes I feel as if time is accelerating and I'm lagging behind.

Owain called and chatted with us after supper, and Rachel later on, both using WhatsApp. I chatted with Ann face to face after Clare went to bed, and ended up going to bed later than is good for me.

Meds muddle

After a fair and relaxed night's sleep, another day with a strong cold wind, sunshine and cloud. When I came to take my meds at breakfast time, I was shocked to discover that I'd made an error in my routine self dosage. Instead of aspirin in the aspirin package there was a strip of Losartan. I have no idea how that happened, but it meant that for the past couple of days I have been overdosing myself without realising. The writing on the back of the foil strip packaging is so small it's easy to make a mistake with my visual impairment. Clare and I walked around to the neighbouring Cottage Hospital where I was treated with motherly kindness by two experienced nurse practitioners. My blood pressure was sky high with the shock and from responding to their diagnostic questions. If I had critically overdosed it would lead to kidney failure I was told. No sign of that. Bladder working normally so far.

The outcome was the need to check with a blood test, which could only be done at Withybush Hospital, an hour's journey away by bus or train. By the time this was proposed I was tired, hungry and thirsty and unwilling to put myself under any more pressure and increase my stress levels. I declined, knowing what the impact on me would be. Having searched high and low for the missing aspirin, I went to the pharmacy in town on my way back to Croft Court and bought some. At half past five I had a phone call from an A&E nurse at Withybush to say they had been expecting me, as the nurse I saw at the Cottage Hospital had alerted them to expect me, despite my saying that I was too tired to make the journey. He expressed concern about my high blood pressure, and I explained this was normal, and something I lived with. The A&E nurse stated his concern and told me that if there was any change in my condition, to call 999. The perils of country life with no car! My misgivings about taking this holiday were justified. Having skipped my morning dose of Losartan as a precaution, I felt there was sufficient justification to take if following this conversation, which doubtless raised my blood pressure for a second time in the day. After this call I felt hot headed, a symptom of high blood pressure I used to experience when under stress back in the day. I took the Losartan dose missed earlier, in the hope this would stabilise me.

I cooked rice to go with a can of sardines for supper, as I didn't fancy fish and chps. Then a half hour walk as the sun set  there was no wind and the sea was still. A lovely calming sight on my way back for an early night. 

Early for Ascension

Another wakeful night, disturbed by Clare's noisy snoring  leaving me unable to recover from mental and physical fatigue, feeling stressed out. If only I had remembered to pack my ear plugs. As a precaution against overdosing on aspirin, I cut the pill in half and dissolved one half in water. It took over an hour to do this and it tasted disgusting.

I made the effort to walk to St Mary's for the Ascension Day Eucharist, and arrived an hour early. I didn't check the time before leaving, and didn't want to be late. I intended to go to the pharmacy and ask them to check the aspirin dosage prescribed, but went to the church to confirm the service time. Several women were there preparing flower arrangements for a wedding, but they didn't know anything about the service time. At half past eleven, Vicar Fr Steve arrived, and the Verger lit the candles and prepared the altar, then there were a dozen at noon celebrating the end of Easter-tide together. I enjoyed waiting, quietly watching the 'liturgy before the liturgy' unfold' letting the stress drain away. I had a brief chat with Fr Steve after the service.  I was surprised he recognised me from our previous holiday visit nearly two years ago.

The pharmacy was closed for lunch when I got there, so I returned to Croft Court and had sardines and rye bread for lunch. Then, back to the pharmacy to inquire about the aspirin dosage. Apparently there was no mistake, but I still can't work out why the previously prescribed ones were more readily water soluble and didn't taste so unpleasant. Clare and Ann had lunch in town. I slept for a much needed extra hour until Clare and Ann arrived.

I went out for a walk to clear my head with fresh air after and drive away the tiredness. Up the hill behind Croft Court there's a long car park which serves holidaymakers and visitors to the Cottage Hospital along one side of the site. Described as a nurse-led walk-in treatment centre, it operates from ten until five on weekdays, dealing with minor injuries and illnesses without a scheduled appointment. It's staffed by Emergency Nurse Practitioners, therapists and GPs in one of fifty centres referred to as Community Hospitals in Wales - a new medical enterprise which has developed in the past decade.

When I returned, Ann and Clare had cooked sausages and baked spuds for supper, followed by stewed apricots, the taste of these reminded me of being in Ibiza during covid lockdown, watching apricot trees blossom and a month later, buying and stewing them for pudding. After supper, Clare and I rearranged the lounge furniture to set up a separate bed I could sleep in without disturbance, hoping to be able to shake off the fatigue that's plaguing me at the moment. Ann and I chatted about ways of recovering from trauma until it was time for sleep.

Back to the Prayer Book (1984)

Another night with the east wind, despite the background heating, needing to get warm in order to get back to sleep after getting up to empty my bladder again and again. Somehow I got seven hours' sleep, but the tiredness persisted until mid morning. I posted today's YouTube link to Morning Prayer on WhatsApp when I got up at eight thirty. A mix of sunshine and cloud with the fifteen degree air temperature feeling like seven.

After breakfast Clare and Ann walked along South Beach and had a coffee before doing food shopping. I went to the noon Rogationtide Eucharist at St Mary's Parish Church with a congregation of fifteen retired people in the congregation, for a 1984 Prayer Book service, including the priest who preached last Sunday. He read the lessons with the confident relish of a man who loves to read scripture in public while the Vicar took  the service. I enjoyed the calm of joining in a familiar liturgy known by heart. I left without speaking to anyone, savouring the inner silence after a disturbed night. I called Clare but got no answer, and sat for a while on a bench in the entrance hall of the market, as we'd made no plan to meet. An hour later I had a call to say they'd walked home, and returned to join them for lunch.

After the meal I slept for an hour and a quarter, then went for a walk.  I was surprised and disconcerted when my nose started bleeding as I was about to turn around and return to Croft Court. I was walking slowly and wasn't exerting myself at the time. I think it was a consequence of being prescribed a double dose of aspirin to go with the other platelet reducing medication I'm taking. I took the pill when I wasn't fully awake and didn't dissolve it in water. Six hours later I paid the price for lack of vigilance. In future I'll dissolve it properly in water and drink only half of it, to reduce the concentration to the equivalent of the first prescription of pills issued to me the first time. I don't know what went wrong, but it was disturbing to read the information on the back of the pack stating that aspirin shouldn't be taken with blood thinning medications.

Clare made a fish pie for supper. I went for a breath of fresh air as the sun was setting, got caught in a shower of rain and had to change my wet trousers when I got back. We're meant to have warmer weather from tomorrow. Feeling it is believing! Early bed tonight to compensate for broken sleep. I so need to reduce the accumulated tiredness. It's so demoralising.

Fatigued

It was after nine when I woke up this morning. Eleven hours in bed for seven hours of sleep, I was awake for four hours, traipsing back and forth to the toilet. When I got up it was sunny with clouds on the move, and less wind today. I felt mentally and physically tired for most of the day. I've not yet adjusted to the change of environment. Clare and Ann are enjoying being in holiday mode, I still feel I'm in survival mode and this seems to absorb a lot of my energy. 

We walked into town to buy vegetables and mixed dried herbs with a fragrant aroma at the organic stall in the Old Market Hall. We went to the Sea View cafe and restaurant at lunchtime, but I wasn't hungry. I sat drinking a cup of tea while Clare and Ann ate lunch. Then I returned to Croft Court where I had a snack of rye bread, hummus and walnuts before dozing on the sofa until they returned. 

Later in the afternoon, once I'd recovered and my head cleared, I went out and walked again for an hour before supper. I prepared and steamed cauliflower and carrots while Clare cooked scrambled egg on toast for herself and Ann. She turned some vegetable protein into a bolognese style sauce for me to eat with bread.

I completed my daily step quota walking around the house while Clare and Ann went for a sunset walk on the beach. I felt too tired to go out again, and started getting ready for bed early.

Welcome visitor

I slept fairly well and was up at eight, wishing I could have slept for longer, but wasn't quite warm enough to doze off again. Clare, on the other hand, complained of being too hot in the other single bed. We walked to the town market after breakfast, where there's a lovely organic veg and wholefood shop. The wholesale veg delivery hadn't yet arrived, so we went to Tesco's to buy bread, pasta and passata, then returned for a cup of coffee. Clare had a dish of crab salad, while we waited. After buying veg we needed, we returned to Croft Court, in a headwind which blew light rain into our faces. As Clare had eaten I cooked a veggie sugo with tagliatelli for my lunch.

On our way to meet Ann at Tenby train station we went to the market to buy local potatoes, then to Tesco's for wine and prosecco, though not for me because of the meds. We mis-timed the walk to the station and were three quarters of an hour early arriving there. It's unstaffed. The waiting room and toilets were locked so we sat outside in the sun until the train arrived.

We walked back to Croft Court with me dragging Ann's suitcase. Clare cooked the fresh sea bass fillets bought yesterday. I scrubbed new potatoes, recently pulled from the ground. Both delicious! After supper we sat around chatting, catching up for the rest of the evening. 

Tenby Sunday

I slept quite well and got up slowly for breakfast at eight. Cloudy with a cold north west wind today.  We allowed ourselves half an hour to walk to Saint Mary's Church for the Eucharist. It took us about ten minutes, which meant we could sit quietly and enjoy the atmosphere of people being welcomed as they gathered for worship. I read most of Morning Prayer before the fifteen strong choir sang Bruckner's 'Locus Iste' from the vestry behind the organ before entering in procession. It seemed to me that the congregation of about sixty adults were mostly of grandparent age, with a dozen children of Junior School age, taking an active part in the service taking the collection, accompanied by an older adult. The stately ritual of a town centre church Sung Eucharist was relaxed and prayerful, the children walked around looking at ease,  comfortable to belong and be included in worship. Retired clergy preached and presided. Tenby's Ministry Area Leader was at another church today. It was a good  experience of parish liturgy well done. The only thing striking me as odd in a rural coastal community where fishing is still feature of the local economy, was no mention of today being Rogation Sunday.

We had a cup of coffee on our way back to Croft Court in a restaurant overlooking the sea and out of the strong cold wind. China cups instead of disposable ones, and a large slice of choccy cake for Clare. While I was preparing lunch, she baked flapjacks, to use up some of the large packet of oats, bought on Friday. We had broccoli with rice and cod perfectly poached in almond milk, with clementines and flapjacks to follow.

As the lining of my jacket pocket had come apart I had a repair job to do after lunch. This went well until I ran out of thread, and needed Clare's help to finish it off for me. On removing my wallet from the jacket I discovered my rail card and tickets weren't there where they should be. I searched  everywhere and started to panic - out of control again. Clare started checking her wallet in case she had picked up mine at the last ticket check before arriving at Tenby. She found her rail card, but not her ticket. More chaos! Eventually, I found my rail card and tickets in a hidden compartment of the wallet I don't normally use. Clare's tickets then turned up in a compartment of her mobile phone case. Panic over.

We walked into town again to enjoy the colourful aspect of the townscape, the harbour and vast expanse of golden beach illuminated by the afternoon sun. There's a fishmonger's stall in a small old building, open for fresh fish, or crab sandwiches if you prefer. Clare bought sea bass fillets for tomorrow's supper when Ann arrives to join us.

I went out again after supper for some fresh air and completed my daily distance, following the road away from the beach uphill towards the place where we stayed on our last visit. It's a matter of reconstructing my visual memory map of the area. This afternoon's panic over misplace tickets left me feeling very tired and incoherent, so it's early bed for me, even before Clare, who's usually first to surrender to sleep.

Carten 100 challenge

I wish I could have slept for longer, as the after effect of running on adrenalin yesterday left me tired and struggling. Clare was up and active, keen to go out and explore after breakfast. Her uncertain memory and poor sense of direction meant she needed me to go with her. We walked down to the harbour, then up into the old town. 

A big black Americano at a bar in Sergeants' Lane revived me somewhat. It's a lively and busy area, with a few art galleries plus pubs and restaurants, including one belonging to the Tenby based Harbwr brewery. As I was taking photos of the street, a lad welcoming customers told me his uncle owned properties there. All are old buildings with different trade histories, sympathetically renovated and adapted for the purpose of hospitality - this perhaps explains why it works well, architecturally speaking. Clare has her eye on a harbour painting in one of the galleries! 

We visited Tesco's and an artisan bakery to shop for decent rye bread and ground coffee, then found a fish and chip restaurant for lunch before returning to Croft Court with me feeling desperately in need of a rest. I slept for an hour and a half, then went to Tesco's again to buy a few more food items we'd missed earlier. The trouble with a holiday letting is that you have to bring all your own food supplies with you - fine if you have a car - but buy everything you need from scratch if you prefer cooking for yourself, and that takes time.

As we walked to and from the shops this afternoon, we saw scores of cyclists passing by, all participants in the Carten 100 charity ride from Cardiff to Tenby. The finish line was down in the harbour, not that we were around when this happened, but apparently it is a popular public event. It's not a race but a hundred mile 'challenge' ride through the very varied coastal terrain of South Wales. A rather tough 'fun run' you might call it.

After supper, I went out for a breath of fresh air, walking uphill on the road above North Beach to where I could get a better view of the west facing bay with the town spread out on the promontory behind it, and took a few photos. Just after I returned the setting sun illuminated the crowds an unexpected bright pink colour. Cue for a few more photos! 

Disappointed at being unable to find decent marmalade in Tesco's, Clare took a lemon and cooked a small portion of marmalade with it. A treat for tomorrow's breakfast. Early bed for me tonight. Still tired from getting here and settling in yesterday.