Another bright cold autumnal day. I slept fairly well but not as long as I hoped for. I posted the YouTube link to today's Morning Prayer on WhatsApp and got up at nine. We were eight for the Saint Catherine's Eucharist. I left the veg bag collection to Clare as I had a blood test at the surgery after the service. After a savoury lunch of lentils, carrots fried with onions and rice, I walked to Parkwood clinic for an acupuncture appointment with Peter Butcher. Physically speaking I'm a lot better for his treatment of my kidneys, but my confidence has taken a knock, and left me anxious about making on-line payments. There's a water bill to pay and I couldn't face doing it on-line. I found the pdf of the invoice and printed it off later in the day, so it can be paid at the Post Office counter instead, to minimise the possibility of error. I've never been in a state of mind like this before, and woke up feeling anxious about it in the early morning.
Fortunately, Peter is an experienced therapist. It was helpful talking things through with him. The events of the past five weeks have led to surviving crisis after crisis on sheer adrenaline, so when things don't work out as intended or I encounter difficulties I don't understand, the fight - fright - flight animal instinct kicks in irrationally and maybe without reason, affecting me physically. It's a vicious cycle I have to learn how to break. I feel I need a respite and try to avoid facing things. Hence a workaround solution with bill paying.
Peter said that kidneys have adrenal glands located on top of them which regulate blood pressure, metabolism, and stress response. They've been working flat out. As the kidneys recover so do the glands. On times they may discharge and generate negative sensations or trauma flashbacks, a bit like a cat or dog shudders as it recovers from loud firework bangs. This offers a valuable insight into what I've been going through. I have to be patient and give it time.
After the session my head was clear and calm. I enjoyed a walk in Llandaff Fields on my way home the hour before sunset. Clare made delicious soup for supper, with freshly harvested beetroot from this week's veg bag. After supper I started work on next Wednesday's Advent Morning Prayer. It has come around so soon! The CofE Daily Prayer app hasn't yet been updated to include the first week of a new liturgical year. The Church in Wales lectionary app was able to supply the proper readings, and I found in my archive the Advent daily office liturgical framework. A fiddly job, but the text is now ready to record.
I learned from the Church Times report on the latest meeting of the Church in Wales Governing Body that there was an impasse in the process of nominating a new Bishop of Bangor, following the controversy and contention aroused by scandal at Bangor Cathedral which led to the resignation of Archbishop Andy John. It's been decided to appoint an interim Bishop of Bangor familiar with the Province but from outside. It would be someone who is already a Bishop, who is prepared to guide the diocese through the painfully difficult and unenviable task of reviewing its life and understanding what went wrong.
I spent the rest of the evening pondering on my conversation with Peter, and resolved to take the next step of facing my phobic reactions slowly, carefully when I feel the time is right and not throw myself at this problem and end up going out of control again.
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