Rachel's homecoming

Minus one this morning under a cloudless sky with bright sunshine. I heard the central heating switch on automatically when I woke up in the night. I was awake for nearly four hours of nine and a half in bed, a poor night's sleep indeed, lying half awake plagued by anxious thoughts and feelings, maybe due to eating more than I normally do yesterday.  I don't have trouble getting to sleep to start with, but if I'm disturbed by the cold or my bladder amd wake up, it takes longer to let go of consciousness again.

I posted today's YouTube link to the WhatsApp Daily Prayer thread when I got up at half post eight. After breakfast I went through my postings on the prayer thread to make an archive copy of all this year's weekly Biblical Reflections, about four dozen of them. The few missing are from the period I was recovering in hospital after the stroke. This task took me up to lunchtime. Despite having cooked bacon for breakfast, my brain was foggy and tired with low blood sugar by lunchtime, but Clare's fish pie for lunch revived me.

Veronica's Christmas email newsletter illustrated with family photos arrived. The resemblance between her and her mother June is striking.  There was a WhatsApp message from Rachel in the small hours, when she was about to take off from Phoenix to fly home. It will be so good to see her again, especially after the uncertainties of illness over the past three months, wondering on bad days if I'd survive to see her again. It won't be long now! Her flight arrived at half past one. Kath picked her up at Heathrow and drove her to Kenilworth to celebrate New Year. 

I went out at three and walked in Llandaff Fields for an hour and a half until the setting sun lit the clouds along the horizon in shades of orange yellow and pink against the clear sky above. Tonight is going to be another cold one. Once it was dark the random noise of festive fireworks, far away or near, shook the neighbourhood, distressing pets. I watched a couple of episodes of Le Carre's 'Little Drummer Girl on BBC iPlayer and then opted to see the New Year in by going to bed early, tired already.

Winter chill

I thought I saw the sun rise through the haze over the rooftops when I got up this morning, after another inadequate night's sleep. High cloud prevailed. giving occasional glimpses of sky, and the temperature dropped to three degrees. I didn't feel hungry but my blood sugar must have been low as it often is before lunch, making me feel faint, thinking incoherently.  Initially I thought it was due to another broken night, but I slept fairly well. I don't understand what's happening to my metabolism.

Clare had an early lunch, put a load of washing on the line in the sun, then took a taxi to Rumney to have her hair done by Chris at his salon. I made a veggie pasta dish for lunch and took my daily clot busting medication with plenty of water. My head cleared enough for me to record and edit next Wednesday's Morning Prayer and Reflection. I felt relieved that mental exercise didn't drain all my remaining energy. I helped Clare hang a load of washing on the line as rain wasn't threatened. It was still damp  due to high humidity when I brought it indoors before going out for an hour's walk in Llandaff Fields before sunset.

As I was passing the camp site in Pontcanna Fields, a man emerged, eager to tell his story to someone else. He told me he'd just bought a jacket in a charity shop for four pounds, and found thirty quid hidden in an inside pocket. Just as well it wasn't someone's forgotten stash of drugs!

Before and after supper I made the first Morning Prayer video slideshow for the New Year using the audio I'd edited earlier and uploaded it to YouTube. I watched the concluding episode of 'The Night Manager', and then went out for a breath of fresh air and exercise before going to bed early, determined to get more rest, if not real sleep.

Mission conclusion

Cold and overcast again today and a poor night of disturbed sleep overshadowed by anxious feelings. I don't know if it's my concern about Santander pushing clients to accept on-line bank statements instead of paper ones or the queasy reaction of my digestive system to medication that bothers me in the small hours. I hate waking up feeling tired and lethargic, needing a rest before I can face activity apart from thinking quietly and composing a reflection for next week's Morning Prayer offering.

Clare went out after breakfast to buy a replacement kitchen tablecloth. The existing one got scorched by a candle overheating in its glass candle container, melting the table cloth beneath it, setting off the kitchen smoke alarm. It was more flammable than we realised, and should have had a wooden block or a saucer to serve as a heat sink. Plasticised fabrics are not to be trusted ever. Lesson learned. I started cooking lunch as soon as she returned, a little late, as my attention had been absorbed by writing. 

I received an email from Emma in Euro-diocesan HQ expressing appreciation for my fourteen years of locum ministry. She started in her job around the same time as I retired, and although we have written and spoken over the years, we've never met, a strange aspect to being part of a large dispersed organisation. I replied, thanking her for her support. There's no longer any reason for me to hold a Permission to Officiate in the diocese in Europe, now that I can't drive. No matter how complete a recovery I make or healthy I stay, I'm now a risk as far as ministry abroad is concerned, work and travel insurance un-affordable. Well, it was wonderful while it lasted. 

I'm not yet sure if I'll recover well enough to celebrate Mass and preach again in this, my home diocese. I don't know if I'll need to renew my Permission to Officiate at some time in the future, should a return to regular public ministry be possible. I need to know if I can handle the stress involved after a long spell of inactivity. Besides that, do I have anything more to contribute to the common good of the church? Making a Morning Prayer video for the Parish WhatsApp group is one thing I still do. Facing a congregation again is an unknown. I've not read a lesson in church unless I was celebrating. I've not volunteered, as I think it's more important that others are given the opportunity. I'm learning to be on the receiving end, listening and not judging or criticising.

After emailing Emma I walked in Llandaff Fields for an hour, and on my way home bought some chicken to roast. After supper, another episode of 'The Night Manager' to watch before bed.

Christmas Photos

Overcast today with a cold wind. Up at eight, after a broken night's sleep though how broken is impossible to say. I think my Fitbit wasn't attached to my wrist well enough to read consistent body signals. It's not as accurate as it pretends to be. We went to St Catherine's for the Parish Eucharist after breakfast, both of us a bit late. Getting going and getting there seems to take longer. Maybe it's the impact of wintry weather. 

We were about thirty for the service. Some families in the congregation are probably away visiting relatives, if not taking a winter holiday. Sue's term of office as churchwarden ended with a presentation at the end of the service and a piece of cake with coffee in the church hall afterwards. Clare went home before me to cook lunch, I followed on carrying her slice of cake wrapped in a napkin.

After lunch I slept in an armchair for an hour then walked in Llandaff Fields and the neighbourhood until sunset. I always feel relieved if I can reach home before dusk. My eyes adjust to walking in the dark under streetlights quite well. Impaired vision and my slow reactions in low light make me nervous. I noticed this when travelling yesterday. So many people wearing dark clothes moving through areas of strong light and shadow are not easy to navigate around without bumping into others. On one occasion, I couldn't see Clare sat on a bench in an area of contrasting light and shade. She was wearing a dark jacket. This makes it difficult to spot her in a moving crowd.

After my walk I uploaded Christmas photos and shared the album with the family. I forget to take pictures including myself, so it's just as well that Kath is good at taking group selfies of the whole family. She had a group photo printed of last year's Black Patch Christmas celebration and it now hangs in the hall next to the coat rack. Happy memories from last year as well as this week, despite my being painfully weepy yesterday. I'm still feeling a bit emotionally fragile The realisation of how much I love my family turned into heart breaking grief as I realised, in the aftershock of life threatening illness, that it's all slipping away from me. I've been so blessed to have such wonderful children and enjoy life together with them.

After supper I watched the second episode of Le Carre's 'The Night Manager' on BBC iPlayer. I've seen it before, but the plot is so complex I don't remember the detail. The photography and acting are superb.

Going home

Woke up at eight thirty, reasonably refreshed. Misty, then overcast today. Kath called for us at nine. We checked out of the hotel and the Kath took us to their house for a farewell breakfast. She took us by car to Birmingham International to catch a train to New Street station. What with cancellations delays and several platform changes lugging cases up and down steps, in and out of lifts, it was rather a lot of Compulsory exercise! 

At Birmingam New Street we had an hour and a half to wait for a train to Wales. Plenty of time to eat the picnic lunch of turkey sandwiches prepared for us by Kath. The only train available for us was destined for Newport only. Owain's train to Bristol left twenty minutes before ours. He made sure we were briefed about our platform before we parted company with big hugs. 

The two thirty Cross Country train delivered us to Newport by ten past four. We had to wait there with a large crowd of travellers for a connecting train to Cardiff at half past. Cardiff Central was so busy that the ticket barriers were left open for the departing crowd to stream through. Clare insisted on getting a taxi to take us home from there. We were both pretty tired by the trip, and started preparing supper straight away, assorted veg and a chorizo heated up in water rather than fried. Not my choice, but I was too hungry to protest. Clare made an omelette for herself.

After supper we listened to Rosalia's debut album, which both of us found a bit bewildering. Perhaps it will make more sense when we get around to the English translation of lyrics in Spanish. Unfortunately the Sheku Kenneh Mason CD I bought for Clare was one she already has. She decided to give it to Rachel. There's something else I can buy for her that she fancies.

 The excessive stimulus of such an uncertain journey drained me of nervous energy. I went out and walked in the dark for an hour to calm myself before bed. Just the two of us at home at the end of the day in a quiet house. I miss the company of our wonderful kind and caring children I have to admit that earlier I wept bitterly this afternoon at the thought of us going our separate ways.

Duck racing on Boxing Day

Another sunny wintry day. I didn't sleep well, despite the room being uncomfortably warm for for Clare it wasn't quite warm enough for me. I don't know if that's something to do with the effect of the meds on my metabolism or what I'm wearing in bed taking heat from me rather than keeping me warm enough. As ever I didn't sleep for long enough, but I felt clearer headed for most of the day. After breakfast we walked down to Kath and Anto's for a welcome cup of fresh coffee.

We walked together to Abbey Fields to watch the start of the annual Kenilworth Lions Duck Race, in which hundreds of charity sponsored plastic yellow ducks are released into Finham Brook to float downstream to a finishing point, in an unusual lottery event. Thousands of people turn out for this family event. We we went to watch as we received a ticket for a Christmas present. The footpath along Abbey Lake and the neighbouring brook were both crowded with people following the ducks' progress, and soon I lost sight of Anto, Kath and Rhiannon. We were reunited half an hour later and returned to Kath and Anto's for a lunch of salmon, a fry-up of yesterday's… surplus veggies, Christmas cake and chocolate log, plus a bottle of posh Rioja.

Later Kath and I went for an afternoon walk and long chat as the sun was setting. When we got back, Rhiannon parted company with us and set off on the return trip to Manchester. We then watched the King's speech together, in which he delivered a confident  religiously themed message of unity, good will, and service for the common good relating to the Gospel Christmas story. It's the faith he swore to defend at his coronation, and interprets as for the good of humanity, for all citizens. So carefully thought out in words and video imagery.

Then in contrast, 'How the Grinch stole Christmas' started. Clare and I were both getting tired and not interested in watching it so we decided to return to the hotel. Kath kindly made us a picnic supper and drove us with our picnic and bag of presents back to the hotel just before seven for a quiet evening recovering from the social stimuli of the past few days, getting to bed early in view of tomorrow's return journey home. 

Family feasting

It was a cold night, hard to get warm after getting up and down to pee several times. I needed to wear a big woolly pullover to avoid heat loss in bed. I got up at seven thirty, and we had a continental breakfast in the dining room at eight thirty. 

Clare joined Kath and Anto for a walk in the sunshine afterwards. I attended the ten thirty Mass at the Catholic parish church of St Francis opposite the hotel. It was packed with over three hundred worshippers, adults with well behaved children used to praying and worshipping with their parents at Mass. A team of four teenage girls assisted two priests who concelebrated the Eucharist -  a senior cleric with a Parkinson's tremor and a young colleague, relatively new to the parish, judging by what he said in his homily, preaching a simple profound sermon full of warmth and humour. I didn't have a hymn book but could sing most of the carols from memory. There was a strong sense of quiet attentive participation in the service, good liturgy well organised with everyone playing their part naturally. Although I didn't receive Communion (given in two kinds I noticed), I felt part of the celebration, at home, so familar, regardless of the Englishness of the community, without it being CofE or Anglo-Catholic, struck by the universality of the occasion.

When I got back to Kath and Anto's lunch preparation was in full swing, with lots of Cava being sipped. By half past two were were sitting down to a full Christmas turkey dinner with three fine wines and a considerable amount of water being drunk, testimony to our rising average age, and health consciousness. A great meal with a superb Clare made Christmas pudding to conclude. Then the exchange of gifts, presided over by Rhiannon. She showed her creative ingenuity by creating a stop motion cartoon video on YouTube reminding us of last year's family Christmas at Black Patch farm in Powys. She packaged this in a photo frame with a collage which included a QR code pointing to the video. Surprise upon surprise. Impressive! 

When we finished the present giving it was dark. Everyone was starting to feel sleepy. We had a video call with Rachel, then at half past eight we walked with Viv back to the Holiday Inn where she's staying, then back to the Peacock hotel. The central heating was on,  now we have several coat hangers in the wardrobe. Hopefully a better sleep tonight. 

Travelling away to Christmas

Up at eight to complete bag packing, a complex exercise for a four day stay with medical requirements, presents etc. I wasn't really ready to go, still feeling sleepy when the taxi arrived to take us to the station, half an hour early for the ten forty five train to Brimingham.

We needed to visit the booking office as the train time booked was for this afternoon, was not what I asked for. Not that it mattered, the train was half empty when we got on and wasn't busy. Most of the passengers heading for Birmingham, curiously were single men I noticed.

Sunshine all the way up the river Severn and beyond. I found the train's noise and motion tiring. When I went to the toilet I had to pass through several doors and ended up disoriented. It's indicative of my slow brain function currently. Clare was asleep and not answering her phone. Returning to my seat was a matter of trial and error. Staying attentive, resisting distraction and taking note of my direction require conscious effort and it's tiring when I start the day tired.

Arriving at New Street Station was a bewildering experience. It's huge and so complex  it's hard not to get disoriented.  Owain's train arrived just after ours and he found us trying to figure out where to go. We had to pass through a barrier requiring a manual ticket inspection. I put the ticket in my rain jacket pocket, and then couldn't find it and started to panic. It had electrostatically bonded itself to the surface of my phone screen in the same pocket. I hadn't lost it, but it gave me a fright. We took another train to Coventry where Kath met us and drove us to the Peacock Hotel in Kenilworth to check in. We have a room in an old stable block with a double and single bed to choose from. 

We then went to Kath and Anto's house for a welcome cup of coffee and mince pies. As it got dark Rhiannon arrived. The four of them went off to a pub for a drink and I stayed behind. I needed solitude with peace and quiet for my brain unscramble itself. I have to turn inward and process everything if I get overstimulated, as I have done today. I'm not good company until I regain my equilibrium. Then I can start to respond to others with ease again. 

Kath made a delicious veggie sugo con tagliatelli for supper with tuna for my benefit. The wine was a rich strong Garnatcha de Navarra, which I sniffed for the aroma but abstained from. 

It was lovely to be in family company again, and see how Rhiannon has now become a young adult design student since our last Christmas together at Black Patch. 

We walked back to the Peacock Hotel and Rhiannon accompanied us, such a sweet thing to do. Our room lacked coat hangers. The night manager found us one! It was half past nine when we arrived, very tired and ready for bed. 

The Catholic church nearby had its Nativity Vigil Mass at eight, so no  midnight Mass for us. The two Anglican Parish family services are at ten thirty and not as near as the Catholic church. Fortunately the Mass of the Day is ten thirty in the morning. Attending Mass will be like when we're abroad, except that it will be in stilted English not Spanish or French. Just a little bit different, that's all. And now sleep! 

Not yet ready to travel

Cold and overcast today. Eight and a half hours in bed two hours sleepless, same old story. Rarely do I feel refreshed when I get up. Clare brought a fir tree branch indoors after breakfast and decorated it with a few baubles and lights.

It's a lovely thing to do, even if we are away for four of the twelve days of Christmas. Advent seems to have sped by at an astonishing pace this year.

I heard a discussion on Radio Four yesterday morning about the therapeutic role of creative writing and poetry. It helped me reflect on what was happening to me when I had the stroke, as well as helping me regain hand-eye coordination. Every now and then I amuse myself by writing verses in haiku on anything that catches my attention. Last night I started writing a connected series of verses on my experience of having a stroke, and forged these into a poem this morning.

Nothing seems the same.

A storm surprises the brain

Familiar becomes

strange, unrecognisable.

Stumbling gait and speech

becoming incoherent.

Reasoning falls short

of reaching a conclusion.

Above and beyond

The inner eye keeps  vigil.

Despite the chaos

of motion and sensation.

'Time to stop' it warns. 

Pay full attention and come 

to terms with yourself.

You are older than you think.

A veggie pasta for lunch with 'bamia' as the Greeks call Ladies Fingers, bought from a local veg shop that specialises in vegetables more commonly found in Asian recipes. A pleasant surprise, reminding me of our youthful backpacking journeys of discovery in Crete sixty years ago.

I went into town after lunch in search of Christmas presents and clips to hold together a pair of duvets. I found the shops hard going, noisy with background music, busy with shoppers and the light from so many shelves, flashing lights and video promotional screens. Tiredness made it hard to process so much stimulus, but I got what I needed to buy, before returning home at dusk on the 61 bus.

We have a train at 10.45 tomorrow, so bag packing tonight followed by early bed in the hope of getting enough rest to cope with what will be a very busy journey to Kenilworth via Birmingham and Coventry. I'm looking forward to being there, but not looking forward to the disruption of the trip.

Mail shot day

Cold and dry this morning after rain, with some sunshine to cheer the return of longer days. I had a shower and washed my hair after I got up. After it dried I couldn't see beyond my fringe as it wouldn't stay swept back, as it's so fine and soft. I think it needs a trim. Meanwhile I'll have to wear a hat indoors and outdoors. 

I took the bus to town and booked our Christmas Eve train tickets at Central Station. I didn't think about what I needed to do to make the journey hassle free. I went out carrying no cash and had to withdraw some from an ATM to buy a big sausage roll for lunch, having forgotten that I need a late morning snack to avoid the faintness and slow thinking which now accompany a nearly empty stomach. I think it may be due in part to the clot busting meds I must take daily. They seem to speed up my digestive system. I was in no mood for shopping and returned home as soon as I acquired the train tickets, pleased to think that Clare would have lunch ready at the usual time.

I spent the afternoon preparing our physical Christmas card mail shot.  Labels to fix on envelopes, cards to be written, letters to print fold, and stuffed into envelopes. Clare went to the Post Office and bought stamps for three dozen cards to post. Another four dozen are digital greetings. I used to mail 80-90 cards before I retired. Postage is now so expensive, I couldn't afford that many. No matter which way I send a greeting, it gives me an opportunity to think about people I've known and met over a lifetime in ministry, and many will respond with their personal news and greeting. It was already dark when I took my bag of cards to the post box on my circuit of Pontcanna. I found the effort mentally tiring, and needed exercise before and after supper to clear my brain. I walked for half an hour and that was enough to make ne ready to sleep. 

Wet solstice

Overcast and light rain for much of this the shortest day of the year. We were about forty for the Eucharist at St Catherine's. The Sunday Club children sang 'We wish you a Merry Christmas' in English and Welsh to the congregation at the end of the service. After lunch and a fruitless effort to snooze, I wrote cards to take with me for church members, then it was time to return to St Catherine's for the Ministry Area service of lessons and carols, attended by about a hundred people. On the way there I noticed two other sets of church doors open and the buildings lit up to welcome worshippers. It was dark for nearly an hour before we arrived.

At St Catherine's there was a live nativity tableau with the children singing 'Away in a Manger' and girls from the local ballet school danced angelically to 'Silent Night'. It's what always happens, carried out with love and devotion. The kids have quiet fun. Hopefully in later years they will recall a shared experience that helps define who we are as an Anglican Parish congregation. After the blessing, Sunday Club children again led the singing of 'We wish you a merry Christmas' in Welsh and English by choir and congregation. Then we had a mince piece and a glass of mulled wine in the church hall before walking home with Jayne who has an apartment in St Winifred's nearby. I went out again later in the rain to complete my daily step quota. It was still drizzling and needed all my determination not to be deterred by miserable conditions. The longest possible night's sleep tonight.

Getting ahead

I woke up to another blue sky sunny morning, then after our Saturday pancake breakfast, when Clare had just hung a line full of washing in the sun, there was a sudden downpour soaking all the spin dried clothes. Not a cloud in sight. Falling rain shone with reflected sunlight. Annoying but beautiful nevertheless.

I went for a walk in Llandaff Fields while Clare was baking spuds and sausages for lunch. Mistle Thrushes are singing to mark their territory in trees near where I often see them on the grass. Then in the coppice by the incline at the top end of Chestnut Avenue as I'm learning to call it, the haunting call of a woodpecker marking its territory. This time last year I couldn't identify it by its call. It's now become familiar thanks to the Merlin bird app.

After lunch I had a refreshing armchair sleep for over an hour, then went for a sunset walk in Pontcanna Fields. I spotted a solitary cormorant roosting in a tree over the river footpath. I took a few photos and on editing, its chest was revealed to be speckled white, indicating a female bird's breeding plumage.

I spent three hours of the evening after supper recording and editing Morning Prayer audio for New Year's Eve, making a slideshow video to accompany it, and uploading it ready to YouTube. A lot of concentration to try my patience, but not so brain draining I think, thanks to the Creatiq food supplement. I have noticed the improvement from taking the clot busting meds on a full stomach in the middle of the day. Glad I was able to get ahead myself with my regular commitments, so I can be duty free to enjoy the coming festive season, away from home and workstation. Ready for bed now.

Christmas mail-shot time

Blessed sunshine today, lifting the spirit, but still not getting enough refreshing rest to start the day feeling well. I had a call from BT about the procedure involved in keeping our landline number, which will take a couple of weeks. It means I won't need to change the phone number the annual Christmas letter, due for circulation in the next few days. After breakfast I had a text message from Talktalk wanting to discuss the switchover. BT had already notified them I presume. I was not pleased with the mildly threatening tone of the message mentioning liability for disconnection charges and spent an hour  exchanging direct messages of complaint about the service. If I haven't complied with their terms and condition as the timing of contract renewal coincided with me having a stroke, I will be sure to mention this. If they go on to make a disconnection charge, I'll complain to OFCOM.

I started work on the annual digital greeting card and newsletter mailing after breakfast. It's taking much longer than previously as I'm that much slower at remembering and retrieving information. I have physical cards and addresses organised but have yet to start on the assembly of that mailshot. I started late to make lunch. By the time I went out for my afternoon walk it was nearly sunset, and it started to drizzle, as it often does at this time of day. 

A TalkTalk supervisor called on my mobile to discuss account closure with me and return of their equipment. it gave me an opportunity to give more feedback to add to what I wrote on the Direct Message thread, being particularly critical of the latency in their network and the potential security risk to users who don't understand why the system isn't working as expected. Just after I got home I had a second call from another TalkTalk supervisor about disconnection and had to explain that I'd not long been contacted about this. Then I had a text message from TalkTalk acknowledging my complaint and giving a reference number for dealing with it. We'll see what happens next!

After supper I directed my attention to the digital greeting mailshot of three dozen greetings. Sobering to notice how many people on that list, compiled a decade ago, have since died. Sometimes recalling the detail behind the list was difficult. I haven't lost memory but recall doesn't work as swiftly and efficiently as it did before my stroke. Tired now. Concentrated for too long. Need sleep now.

ISP switcheroo

Overcast damp and cold again. Another fair night's sleep, but not long enough, although I was last to get up. By the time I surfaced at nine, relaxed thanks to yesterday's acupuncture. Owain was starting work on-line. As I ate breakfast, Kath called and chatted on her commute to work in traffic queues. Life goes on around me at the moment. I'm not feeling as poorly now as I have done the past few months, thanks to the acupuncture and change in medication routine. Am I starting to recover from the nervous exhaustion of the past three months? I hope so. Maintaining the discipline of walking a couple of hours every day as well as writing gives a loose structure to the day around which to fit domestic tasks and errands. I took most of the morning to edit a Reflection I wrote yesterday and still wasn't satisfied with. More restful sleep is at the top of my wish list, but I don't yet know how to achieve it.

I helped prepare tiny Brussels sprouts for lunch then went out for some fresh air. At the end of the morning my blood sugar was low. I needed a fruity sugar snack to clear my swimming head so I could cope with a  walk in the rain up to the top of the avenue of Chestnut trees on Llandaff Fields and back. Tree surgeons have been at work again lopping branches likely to suffer wind damage. Maybe there's disease in those trees as well. The summer leaf cover has been poor for several years. I walked for forty minutes and got home late to eat. I seem to be out of sync with the rhythm of others in the household at the moment. 

After eating I took today's blood thinner, and rested to see if there'd be any ill effect. Hand-eye coordination and slow recognition of what I see aren't good today. I may not lack physical energy but mental energy and focus aren't what I expect them to be. It's frustrating. Owain brought us a packet of a food supplement called 'Creatiq', composed of creatine, lion's mane - a mushroom extract, and citicoline, all substances that nourish the brain's cognitive ability, delivered in the form of a fruit gum taken four times a day. I'm willing to try anything that will improve the way I feel and perceive what's going on. I'm not yet used to my field of vision being impaired. 

Owain took charge of changing our broadband service provider from TalkTalk to BT, a process that takes a few days to complete. A new router has to be installed and configured to work with all our digital devices, including the mesh wi-fi extension. We're paying for a visit from an OpenReach technician to do this with us rather than DIY trial and error. It'll cost us much the same to run thereafter as we're paying now, but the quality of service should be better. The technician is booked for 7th Jan, after we return from Kenilworth. 

Owain tackled the web based switchover process with the ease of the IT communications professional he is in real life, commenting as he proceeded on the clarity and user friendliness of the site and the clarity of information delivered. I would have found difficulty getting through this task without him at the moment. I 'm finding such interactions very stressful due to visual impairment combined with and slowness in recognising and decoding what I see. Late in the afternoon he returned home to Bristol to get on with his everyday life. It's most fortunate for us that he can work from home anywhere, but I miss his presence and his calm confidence, most of the time, when he's not with us.

After supper I went out for a walk in the dark to complete my exercise goal for the day, and unavoidably tired by bed time

O Wisdom

Overcast and drizzly on this first day of the week of countdown days to Christmas. I had a fair night of sleep, even if not long enough to feel properly rested, but more relaxed in the light of my conversation with the Cardio consultant yesterday. I held back on taking a blood thinner until lunchtime, just taking my habitual blood pressure med and statin when I got up after posting today's YouTube link to WhatsApp, after 'Thought for the Day'. I guess my blood pressure must have been high, as I could sense the change in the half hour after I took it, with my head becoming clearer, but not feeling quite right. It'll be interesting to observe the change when I take a blood thinner after lunch.

There were nine of us at the St Catherine's Eucharist. Jeremy assisted Sion and preached the homily. Over coffee afterwards he talked about his experience of converting from being a Pentecostal church member to an Anglican. He'll be ordained and serving his first curacy in Fishguard this summer, a rural coast ministry area with fourteen churches, all different. I told him about my experience of black Pentecostal worship and ministry when we were in St Paul's. Exposure to different Christian communities and cultures influences our spiritual development more than we may realise until we have reason to reflect on it.

I collected this week's veggie bag from Chapter on my way home. A freshly picked stalk of Brussels sprouts was among this week's special winter veg treats it contained. I met neighbour Rob on the way home standing inside his garage about to take his car out, or returning it. He's a network specialist working from home, unable to socialise at the moment as he's suffering from a bad dose of 'flu. We chatted about our neighbourhood and shared appreciation of long term residents who know and support each other in the same way as church parishioners do.

I took my blood thinner tablet after lunch and was relieved not to have a negative reaction to it. I stayed clear headed all day and the meds didn't make me feel poorly. A big win from my point of view. When we were clearing up after lunch, the kitchen strip light got dislodged from its rather unstable mounting. It took so long for Clare and I to fix it that I didn't hear my phone reminding me that I was due for an acupuncture appointment. I phoned Peter and fortunately was able to reschedule for an hour later as Peter had a slot available. I walked to the clinic and enjoyed a fortifying session with insightful conversation. Altogether good for morale together with yesterday's session with Dr Hughes. 

Owain arrived at supper time to spend a couple of days with us and brought me a special food supplement that will help me improve my focus in connected thinking. I am as Peter said during this afternoon's treatment, recovering from exhaustion during the first traumatic week I spent in A&E.I believe I am on the upward path now and welcome anything that will help me establish a new 'normal' I can live with.

I spent the evening writing a reflection on the opening chapter of Colossians, for New Year's Eve while Owain and Clare watched an old episode of 'Strike'

Looking inside my brain

Cold today but sunny. Awake for two of eight and a quarter hours sleep. A fair night's sleep? It doesn't feel like it. When I got up I didn't take all my meds in one go, but in stages before and after eating and drinking lots of water to see what difference it would make to the usual morning woozy thick headed feeling. Well, maybe. Drinking enough water seems to be most important.

After breakfast Clare went to her study group meeting in Penarth. I wrote a reflection for New Year's Eve Morning Prayer, then cooked lunch in time for her return. With a hospital appointment at four, and being uncertain about the best route to take by bus to UHW, I ended walking there instead - fifty five minutes. So I must have been feeling better, and the weather though cold was pleasant for walking.

I met cardio consultant Dr Hughes. We recognised each other, as he was the medic who took charge of me in  A&E the day after I had the stroke. Thanks to him I saw a screenshot of the MRI brain scan confirming the presence of a clot on my occipital lobe that caused the stroke symptoms. He conducted a physical examination with a class of student medics to start with before revealing the scan findings. Despite my condition, skin to concussion, I noticed and was impressed by his skill as an observer teaching others how to observe. 

During our conversation, he showed me the detailed 3D recording of that MRI scan showing the position of the clot just above the top of the spinal column at the base of my brain. It's only recently that I saw a similar recording of Clare's brain scan - in better condition than mine. We talked about the problems I've been having with different medications making me feel worse. He was willing if necessary to prescribe aspirin plus an additional medication whose side effects wouldn't have such an impact. On further thought he considered that the combination of morning meds may be causing the problem, and proposed spacing them out across the day, as a way of observing which of the meds has a noticeable negative impact. He's going to write to my GP recommending spacing the three things I need to take during the day is written on the prescription.

This session I found most helpful. I felt heard and my concerns understood. I came away feeling lighter and optimistic about a way forward with treatment that doesn't leave me feeling worse. I took a bus into town, then caught another back to Pontcanna after a chilly wait outside the Holiday Inn. On the way home I chatted with Owain, and then separately with Rachel, both relieved to hear my good news. Owain has been recommended taking a food supplement to aid mental clarity and sharpness and taking a test for vitamin D deficiency, as this can be a problem that impacts on metabolism and brain function. I'm willing to try anything that might improve the way I've been feeling this past couple of months. What most affects my brain however, is short nights of interrupted sleep week after week. If only a medication routine could be found that reduced me having to get up for a pee almost hourly, that would change everything.

Canna Capella sings to support refugees

Rain in the night and this morning. I used the new dehumidifier when I had to get up for a pee. I  didn't get so chilled, slipped back into sleep easier and for longer. A positive outcome, worth the investment.  After meds and breakfast, I went back to bed and spent some time resting and writing to see if it was possible to  cope better with the impact the medication is having on me after taking it in the morning. Less worse, less of a struggle to stay awake and think clearly.

News reports about the mass shooting of fifteen people at Hanukkah festivities in Sydney yesterday identify the killers as islamist fanatics, a father and son as perpetrators. Sir Ephraim Mirvis, the Chief Rabbi spoke powerfully on 'Thought for the Day' about this fiesta as affirming faith and identity, celebrating the miracle of Jewish survival during persecution by imperial Rome leading to the continuing determination of Jews not to be driven into the shadows by anti-semitic hatred  "We are here, we belong, we will not hide who we are." The right to gather freely safely and publicly", he says, "is not a Jewish issue alone, it is a test of the moral health of any society that claims to value freedom, difference and human dignity". 

The right to freedom of speech is easily perverted into tolerance or acquiescence of unacceptable anger, aggression and hate speech against anyone who dares to be different. It's another symptom of decline in moral health of contemporary society, of resistance to learning to live together with those whose culture or experience of life is unlike our own. Have we become lazy or too vague about the difference between right and wrong, too comfortable with thinking moral judgements are no more than a matter of opinion? Living faith calls for a moral code based on the understanding that it is wrong to make another person suffer. To sin against God or a neighbour is to cause suffering. How often we seem to be indifferent to the suffering of others, devalued by the way they are spoken of. When this happens, violence against them is never far behind.

While Clare was out I cooked veg for lunch with savoury butter beans for me and boiled eggs for Clare. Blood thinners leave me feeling poorly as if my blood sugar levels are low. Is this a side effect? I need to raise this concern at my cardio consultation at UHW scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.

After a rest, I printed Christmas card envelope labels using my Chromebook connected to the lazer printer. It was a fiddly job, downloading address label master copies from OneDrive, uploading them to Google Drive and getting the Open Document Format files recognised by Google Docs but succeeded after a spell of trial and error. I need to get around to exchanging Linux Mint on my workstation for an alternative version of Linux which works with my printer. I simply can't be bothered to spend hours troubleshooting a fault caused by a Mint update. It's a shame, as I have happily used Mint for the past decade with few problems. There doesn't seem to be a straightforward fix for this. Maybe there will be when the next Mint upgrade comes along.

After supper I went to Conway Road Methodist Church for a performance by the fifteen strong Canna Capella choir Clare sings with. It was a fund raising concert in aid of a local organisation that supports refugees, by enabling them to engage fully in local life and work. This includes a project aiding medically experienced and qualified people to become accredited to work here and acquire enough English language to continue in their professional sphere if they need to do this. Impressive stuff. About fifty people were present. I enjoyed the singing, but found the noise of chatter and social interaction following the music stressful to cope with. It may be to do with the meds, but could be fall-out from the traumatic experience of my sojourn in A&E. Glad to get to bed at the end of the evening.

Toxic vengeance

Another poor night's sleep and miserable morning feeling tired with a thick head. Terrible news of a mass shooting at a Hanukkah celebration on Bondi Beach in Australia. Attacks on synagogues have occurred recently in several parts of the world, pointless retaliation for the Israeli government's war waged on Palestinians in Gaza and the West Bank. Injustice and violence breed injustice and violence. How can the vicious cycle be ended in which enraged people seek satisfaction by making victims of each other? Will we never understand how poisonous and soul destroying this is?

We made an effort to go to St Catherine's for the Parish Eucharist. A kind lady in church gave us some croissant shaped almond pastries stuffed with marzipan. We had these for pudding along with mince pies and apple pie Clare baked.

I slept for an hour after we'd eaten. Kath and Clare went out to Tesco's while I was asleep and bought a bedroom dehumidifier. I get chilly at night when I need to get up for a pee and it takes so much longer to get back to sleep. It's not that the room suffers from cold and damp as such. If there's a frost, the room feels less cold. t's less humid. I think it's something to do with prevailing wind pushing damp air down the chimney through a poorly sealed off fireplace. I remember having similar problems keeping warm when I was staying in Ibiza. Using a bedroom dehumidifier was necessary to make the room comfortable to sleep in when it wasn't especially cold. I hope this works. I've been losing too much sleep, no matter how many blankets or layers of bed clothes I wear at night.

I walked for an hour after waking from my siesta. Clare and Kath were out too, visiting a neighbourhood Christmas market in Plasturton Gardens, but we didn't meet. When I got home I found the dehumidifier installed and at work in the bedroom. Kath took her leave of us as it was getting dark. It was lovely to have her with us again for twenty four hours.

After supper I watched another episode of 'Les Invisibles' and one of 'Above Suspicion', that turned out to be one I'd watched before.

Signal poverty

Another cold bright sunny start to the day. I slept fairly well, with the usual interruptions and needing to drink a lot of water with meds and breakfast. Not that it made any difference. I felt unwell, sleepy, slow moving and slow thinking. I made an effort to go out and buy Christmas cards, but it was a struggle. Kath arrived at lunchtime, her journey prolonged by a slow moving traffic queue. After lunch we went out for a walk in the park ending up at sunset in the Square and Fair cafe next to the new Padel Courts, then walking home from there in the dark. 

Kath went out again and bought a desktop digital TV aerial to work with the new telly, but the aerial refused to work. Signal reception is very poor on the ground floor of the house. It worked however with the old Sony Bravia in the attic, albeit imperfectly. It can receive some but not all of the channels it should. We need a more powerful antenna, or a rooftop dish to collect signals from the Wenvoe transmitter four miles away. There are too many houses disrupting signals from the mast in the city centre. Thankfully there are no such problems with TV channels delivered via the internet Android apps once you have them set up.

My head started to clear, as if my body was getting rid of a toxin. I watched another episode of Shetland' before going to bed early.

Mobility landmark for Clare

Nice to wake up to a bright sunny morning after a fairly good night's sleep. Getting to bed a bit earlier than usual seems to have done me good. 

After breakfast I designed a digital Christmas card and prepared it to accompany our annual email newsletter. Clare received a fish delivery from Ashton's at nine, and was busy getting portions ready for the freezer when the doorbell rang a second time - her lift from Sue to go to a physio appointment down the Bay. On this occasion she returned the walking frame and crutches loaned to her by the clinic for the hip op. No longer needing them three and a half months after the op is quite an achievement! 

Salmon soup for lunch and an hour's sleep. I seem unable to escape tiredness at the moment. I noticed that I was making more typos than usual, my hand eye co-ordination suffers more from left sided impairment and maybe also from my brain working slower when I'm tired. As it was getting dark, I went out shopping intending to buy Christmas cards. I needed to get a bottle of TCP and was surprised to find none on sale in Boots, Savers or Tesco's. The takeover of a company that makes it has suffered supply chain problems and cannot deliver enough to retailers to keep up with demand. Hmm. Finding out about this was enough to distract me into forgetting to buy cards. I bought chicken pieces to roast and vine tomatoes that got rather squashed in the bag carrying them home. I cooked them with onion and garlic to combine in a sugo with roasted chicken tomorrow.

When I was looking for things on supermarket shelves this evening I noticed that I was finding it harder than previously to identify products I was looking for. It wasn't just a matter of not having suitable specs to see what I was looking for, but not identifying products by their package colour, shape, or labelling. I'm not sure if this is erosion of memory or the process of recognising things automatically. It doesn't help if a product has been given a brand makeover. I notice other folk as old as me lingering in aisles of shelves searching for items they need, whether memorised or written down. Sometimes I arrive at a shop and have to stop and remind myself what I've come to buy, with or without a shopping list in my head or in hand.

After supper I watched a couple of episodes of 'Les Invisibles' and then it was time for bed.