Sensitivity

Good to see blue sky this morning, despite a population of smaller clouds. More wet weather warnings, but a dry start to the day. Sara slept well in Elgano's hotel and turned up for breakfast at nine. She needed a little navigational help by phone, having walked here in the dark last night. It's the same problem as I had last night finding the access road to the Coach station in the dark. 

Still deeply tired from yesterday with insufficient sleep to recover well, the morning meds made me feel terrible. I went out and walked for an hour to clear my head and met Clare with Sara on their way into town for souvenir shopping. I fell asleep in my armchair for another hour before lunch, then cooked tomatoes and mushrooms to eat with a couple of slices of toast. Sara and Clare returned from town and we spent time chatting and drinking tea. 

We went early to Stefano's for supper. The food was good, but the noise of guests arriving, and table talk against a background of Italian pop ballads made conversation difficult. It wasn't so much being unable to hear, but hearing too much of an assortment of sounds, unable to distinguish and concentrate on listening to soft spoken Sara across the table. There were too many distractions to filter out and process quickly enough to maintain the conversation thread adequately. It's worse with a tired slow acting brain. Dining out is something I don't look forward to these days. We were back home by seven, and Sara returned to her hotel, tired after a stimulating, active day. I spent the rest of the evening reflecting on the day, starting to acknowledge the way the stroke has made me realise just how sensitive I am. It's something I hid from myself behind behaviour learned to cope with overwhelming and painful stimulus. Brain slowdown sabotaged my ability to cope and unmasked the extent of my sensitivity and how I haven't lived with it as well as I could by fully acknowledging it.

The world we inhabit is toxic to sensitive people. It's geared to over stimulation, aimed at retaining attention to promote ideas or products, not allowing enough space to feel free in, and think things through quietly. The struggle is exhausting from the mental effort to make sense of and comply with a plethora of demands and stimuli life throws at them. The problem is that people get stigmatised for being 'different' The culture and environment they inhabit and react to makes them turn in on themselves and disengage or hyper-react defending sensitivity they are socialised to ignore and repress. It's less difficult to look after yourself well, as you learn what kind of person you are, and accept you are not only a child of God, but also a gift and blessing to others, just as you are and were meant to be. That's a lot to take in and sleep on.