Keeping account of my day

A cold dry cloudy day after an inadequate night of sleep. The impact of taking a statin before going to bed wasn't quite as intense after taking my blood pressure pill. I suppose this is because it's been in my system for nine hours. The effect when I took the meds after a couple of hours apart from each other was worse. Even so, getting myself going requires mental effort more than physical. To my shame, remembering to say the Daily Office gets relegated down the priority list until I'm sure I can cope with everything else I need to do. And it can sometimes be at midday.

The war against Iran is costing thousands of lives. Its military assets are being devastated by American and Israeli attacks, but the rhetoric of resistance continues. Though the frequency of retaliatory strikes of all kinds is diminished, attacks continue across the Middle East wherever Iran has allies. The element of uncertainty persists. It's now safe enough for repatriation flights to take place for thousands of expats and visitors caught in places under attack. The first flight out was delayed 'for technical reasons', unexplained until today.  Not aircraft being unready but crew 'out of hours'. There's a safe flying time limit for pilots as there is for truck drivers. It's bound to happen if regular schedules are upended by cancellations and delay or aircraft not being in the right place when needed. It was like that during covid as I remember, trying to return from Ibiza via Barcelona to London.

I needed to talk to the clinical pharmacologist about the change of medication frequency and blood tests he proposed, having realised that the timing plan in his letter wasn't going to work. The letter he sent didn't take into account a ten day delay from writing to reception. Results of tests ordered wouldn't be available the day of my next consultation. I phoned the UHW switchboard and reached the Clinical Pharmacology unit secretary without a long delay. I explained the problem I'd uncovered, and received a sympathetic hearing. The pharmacologist in question was on leave but I was promised a call back after the weekend, to revise the arrangement proposed, and clarify whether or not it was meant to be a fasting blood test.

Clare went shopping in town this morning. I walked in Llandaff Fields for an hour to try and clear my 'toxic head' but with little success. Then I cooked veg for lunch, with pork sausages for me and veggie ones for Clare which I left her to cook when she got home, as I wasn't sure how she wanted them done. 

I slept for nearly an hour after eating and then completed writing a rather difficult Reflection on a passage for Hebrews about sacrifice - the sacrifice of praise, and obedience to God's will. Then I went out for another walk under an overcast sky making it seem nearer to sunset than it actually was. I forgot to take my Fitbit off charge before I left, so I used the phone pedometer app to count the distance covered when the Fitbit wasn't logging my steps. A small exercise in mental arithmetic, to counteract slow memory and wandering concentration, and tell me when my daily step goal was achieved, regardless of whether it's recorded by the Fitbit app or not. Making an active effort to walk and think seems essential to me at the moment, when the drugs I'm obliged to take are impairing my cognition and confidence, leading to occasional confusion and panic attacks. 

Remembering the day and its detail is an important exercise to keep me grounded in reality and not in my imagination. No matter how miserable life can be, given this awful drug haze, it's good for mental and spiritual health to remind myself of how much I have to give thanks for by the end of each day.

Panic

Last night I forgot to take the statin I'm supposed to take every other day, so I took it when I woke up this morning. After taking my blood pressure pill the light headed effect was worse than it was on previous days and it was not easy to think straight and get on with the day. In the post, a couple of copies of report letters sent to the GP surgery by the Advanced Clinical Pharmacist, who discussed medication with me last week, plus a couple of blood sample mail bags for me to take to St David's hospital for blood tests on separate days next week. All well and good, but I felt I needed to query an instruction with the Pharmacist.

I went to St David's hospital after breakfast to find out how I could contact him. I thought I took the letters with me, and panicked when I arrived there to present the contents of the letter with my query and couldn't find one of them. I'd left it at home inadvertently. I wanted to know about making an appointment, and how to go about it, and I wanted to check I had understood what I was meant to do, given that I'd already reduced the frequency of taking the statins. The instruction read as if I was still meant to be on the daily dose for the first blood test, and then reduce it for the second. Very confusing. The staff member who dealt with me was unhelpful, and unconcerned that I was in a state because I thought I'd lost a letter. I still don't know how I can contact the Pharmacist as it's not clear from the letters received whose team he belongs to and how he can be contacted. I walked home disconcerted, my leg muscles stiff and reluctant to relax, due to the statin.

The other letter for me in the post was from HMRC, stating that I had an unpaid tax demand from last year's tax return as the system was unable to take the amount owing via the tax coding, perhaps I don't earn enough taxable income to cover the amount outstanding. I set about paying my due through the HMRC website, only to find that accessing my account has become more complex than before with extra layers of security for registration for a Government Gateway account. This is where I came unstuck. I don't know why. Not understanding how to proceed put me into panic mode for a second time in the day, the stress pushed up my blood pressure and my nose started to bleed, so the tax bill is still unpaid. Owain was helpful, and referred me to a live support line for help to get the job done. With slow memory and a swimming head trashing my concentration,  I find it so distressing if I don't understand or lose my way in a complex process.

Clare had an eye appointment this morning in UHW followed by a post hip replacement check-up down the Bay. I started preparing vegetables for lunch when I got home, and didn't notice veggie sausages waiting to be cooked in the fridge. Instead, I took a couple of haddock fillets out of the freezer and thawed them. It took far too long, but that didn't matter, as Clare hadn't arrived home. I left a plate of cooked veg on top of the steamer pan, and the uncooked haddock stayed in the fridge to continue thawing. A rather chaotic way to serve lunch, made worse by the chaos in my head from low blood sugar and fatigue. It was late afternoon when I went out for another walk to clear my head and calm down before supper. At least it wasn't raining and it was neither cold nor windy.

In the evening news, Britain is sending fighter jets to Qatar, and HMS Dragon to Cyprus to help defend against Iranian missile and drone attacks. Britain is being criticised for its poor military contribution in any case. Years of under-investment in the UK's armed forces is exposed by its inadequate response to this current crisis. The Prime Minister continues to field criticism about Britain's cautious response to taking military action. 

Trump chose to initiate a conflict with Iran. The US Congress debated whether to endorse the President's action. The vote was in Trump's favour. Just. Starmer dared question the legality of acting without a formal declaration of war, but if attacked, military action in defence of Britain's interests can be taken. There has to be an agreed understanding of war aims above and beyond defence, to justify a commitment to armed conflict. It's not clear what Trump's war aims are. He seems to be making it up as he goes along. Enough to confuse allies and adversaries alike. The Iranian elite is about to anoint Khamenei's son to succeed him as Supreme Leader. Trump says he wants to pick Iran's new leader. It's laughable but also sinister. Israel is still attacking Hezbollah in Lebanon, as well as joining America in destroying Iran's ability to defend itself or attack, and thousands are dead as a result.

The drone factor

Clear blue sky and a bit warmer when I woke up to post the Morning Prayer YouTube link to WhatsApp at eight. I slept quite well, but not well enough to spare me the light headedness the medication causes.

American and Israeli forces continue to pound Iran in a huge effort to degrade its ability to wage or or defend itself. Iran continues to retaliate against Gulf Arab states. An Iranian warship has been sunk by an American submarine in the Indian Ocean with at least 80 people killed out of a crew of 180 and about fifty missing. Twenty Iranian naval vessels have been sunk so far and a naval headquarters destroyed according to an American official, with the aim of making the Straits of Hormuz safe for oil tankers. It remains to be seen if the threat to sea traffic from ballistic missiles and drones can be eliminated. Reports are suggesting however, that the frequency of drone attacks is reducing as stock piles rapidly diminish. Drone launch facilities and storage bunkers in Iran have been destroyed, but Shahed drones are now manufactured in Russia as well as Iran, for use against Ukraine, but if any of them are being fed back into the Iranian conflict it could have unforeseen consequences in further widening of the theatre of war

The maritime transport industry is very risk averse, and insurance premiums increase accordingly in these conditions. Thousands of visitors are stuck in Gulf cities under attack, waiting for repatriation flights, uncertain when it will be safe to return home, within the region or further afield. Dubai is a major intercontinental air transport hub, so there are people from all over the world as well as aircraft and crew stuck there. Iran's capacity to destroy enemies may be severely depleted, but its ability to disrupt global travel networks in the meanwhile can have a big economic impact on top of the rising cost of oil and gas. 

Meanwhile Israeli forces are attacking Hezbollah bases in Lebanon, attempting to eliminate the threat on its border, displacing hundreds of civilians. It's still not certain how or when this conflict will end. Iran and its jihadi allies, no matter how hard they are hit, will go down fighting, inflicting as much damage as possible on their foes, encouraged by the promise of reward in Paradise. Iranians may want to see the end of Islamic clerical rule in their country, but toppling the regime with excessive force and bloodshed won't end the hatred many Iranians feel towards America, any more than it did among many Iraqi Arabs after the the toppling of Saddam Hussein.

Talking of insurance, I had a notification from Staysure stating that my multi-trip travel insurance with the company will be renewed automatically in a month's time. I don't ever recall agreeing to an option that will if not acted upon, debit my account with another annual premium. I visited my online account to view the policy and engaged with the site's chat bot to terminate the policy not renew it. The bot wanted to know the reason, which I thought was rather impudent. Its reaction to my information light response was to propose alternative policy options. I had to insist I no longer needed anything and eventually received an email confirming that I had opted out of automatic policy renewal. First the bot asked if I had any claim outstanding to be settled. At that point it struck me I didn't need to cancel a policy about to finish. All I had to do was opt out of automatic renewal. Commercial legal language is a foreign tongue to me.

I went to the Eucharist at St Catherine's with seven others. Clare was shopping in town, so I cooked a savoury veg dish with black beans for lunch. I slept in my chair for three quarters of an hour afterwards, then walked for an hour in Llandaff Fields as the sun was setting. Clare went out to sing at a Canton Chorus rehearsal, as she fancied trying a more musically demanding repertoire. 

Finally I got around to looking at material provided by Kath and Owain to fashion a formal complaint to TalkTalk about the way I was treated by TalkTalk over the account switchover. Getting to grips with this has been difficult with my thinking and responses affected by the medication. I must be improving a little to face up to making the effort. I still don't cope well with additional stress of any kind. I had a long chat with Owain on the phone. He's in good spirits at the moment, enjoying his work and being part of a HMRC communications team that works well and does satisfyingly useful stuff.

General Jumbo's Model Army remembered

High cloud today so it's not quite so gloomy. A fairly good night's sleep too, so I wasn't affected quite so badly by the morning meds. Clare went out early to her study group, leaving ingredients and instructions for making a veggie mince pie. I made the Morning Prayer slide show video for next Wednesday, prepared lunch ready for cooking, then walked in Llandaff Fields for an hour. Since I last walked the footpath that connects Llandaff Fields with Pontcanna Fields, fifteen tall flowering cherry trees have been planted along its length. They aren't young saplings, they don't each need a supporting stake beside them. They will add to the shade as well as springtime colour in years to come. What a delightful surprise!

Iranian missile and drone strikes continue to rain down on Israel and Gulf state cities. I read an interesting article interpreting Iran's military tactics and strategy, making use of 'drone swarming'. In recent years we have been entertained by scores of drones with LED lights painting pictures in the night sky, thanks to fast multi-tasking processors. The same technology can serve as a weapon of war if drones carry an explosive payload. For a generation of fighters skilled with playing computer games, this has changed the nature of front line fighting in Ukraine.  

When I was a keen eight year old reader of the 'Beano' kids comic there was a regular comic strip called General Jumbo's Model Army, about a kid with a regiment of robot toy soldiers remotely controlled by his smart watch, combating evil doers. Very prescient on reflection. It's now become part of present reality.

Iran manufactures cheap easy to make Shahed drones on an industrial scale, supplying them to Russia and anti western insurgent groups. Hi-tech anti-missile systems have a high success rate destroying individual drones in the air, but attack by a remotely controlled air force of multiple drones is a different issue. The cost of anti-missile systems is higher, depleting supplies if used up faster than they can be replaced. The success rate drops and sophisticated weapons system costs escalate. It's the equivalent of using soldiers as cannon fodder without bloodshed, unless there is collateral damage. 

Russia recruits imprisoned criminals and  third world soldiers to fight in Ukraine. Russian military losses are staggeringly high. Such recruits are deemed expendable. It's been compared with losses in the battle of the Somme in the first World War. 

Iranian strategy is different. The growing expense of eliminating deadly drones along with rising oil prices while oil tankers are prevented from using the Straits of Hormuz, will have far reaching economic consequences the world doesn't need or want. Share prices and stock markets are already reacting in a volatile way to the uncertainties surrounding the news. 

In the Vietnam War fifty years ago, cycle riding Viet Cong guerillas disrupted the American war machine with all its sophisticated military hardware, neutralising the US technological advantage in the campaign to halt the spread of Communism. The simplicity and effectiveness of Viet Cong soldiers defending their homeland with their lives earned North Vietnamese communist leaders the right to negotiate for peace and a stake in determining the future of an ideologically divided country. 

Trump's impulsive if not illegal declaration of war against Iran looks like it has let the genie out of the bottle. Not one genie, but a host of man made pests, like a plague of hornets, much more costly to eliminate. Didn't Trump and his advisors see this coming? So far, Arab states that have been targeted are yet to respond militarily. What will happen next?

After open criticism by Trump of Britain's refusal to allow its military bases to be used for opening attacks on Iran, the Prime Minister has defended his decision to Parliament.  "That decision was deliberate." he said. "We believe that the best way forward for the region and for the world is a negotiated settlement in which Iran agrees to give up any aspirations to develop a nuclear weapon and ceases its destabilizing activity across the region. That has been the longstanding position of successive British governments. President Trump has expressed his disagreement with our decision not to get involved in the initial strikes, but it is my duty to judge what is in Britain's national interest. That is what I've done and I stand by it."

It's a firm principled stance, even if it is derided as weakness by British politicians echoing Trump's views. Starmer has since ordered the use of UK bases to defend against the threat of Iranian drones and missiles, after a Cypriot military base was attacked. A measured response, not an impulsive reaction.

I went out late for an afternoon walk down to the Taff. It's good to have eleven hours of daylight with sunset just before six now. It's full moon tonight, known as the 'Worm moon'. The southern hemisphere will have a total eclipse with the earth turning dark red in the shadow cast by the sun. A so-called 'Blood Moon. After supper, tiredness caught up with me, amplified by the meds. It seems that I need more rest and sleep than I think I need as my recovery quietly progresses and I become more active. I try not to push myself, but it's hard not to take advantage when I feel like I have a spring in my step. It's hard to discipline myself to go to bed early.

Ending a conflict is harder than starting one

A bright sunny morning. It's slightly warmer today, fifteen degrees. I didn't take a statin last night. Today's Blood Pressure pill certainly made me feel light headed. Despite insufficient sleep, I had a fair amount of energy for a change. I hoovered the carpets after breakfast, then went to Tesco's for a heavy rucksack full of groceries, and cooked a lentil and mushroom dish with rice for lunch. 

I received a letter for an appointment with Dr Tom Hughes in response to my request for a second opinion several weeks ago. It's at the end of April. I could be much better or dead by then!

I exchanged messages with my nephew Julian, now living in the south of Ireland, after an avionics career living in Dubai. His son's family still lives there. He shared a phone video of an Iranian drone intercepted by an anti-aircraft rocket high above Dubai City. The United Arab Emirates are among several states under bombardment, including Saudi Arabia. Iran seems to be inviting heavy retaliation from well armed Arab oil producing countries as well as from America and Israel. The Iranian government is in the throes of choosing a new supreme leader, while the country is under bombardment against a background of muted population unrest. Trump's call for regime change may not turn out in a way that suits his ambitions. If the Iranian government falls and the country descends into factional fighting or anarchy, how will a return to stability be achieved if America is involved, given the strength of anti-American feeling? It's not clear what Trump's hopes for a post-war Iran look like in an ever changing situation.

American presidential decisions made by George Bush to invade Iraq in 2003 and topple Saddam Hussein, justified partly by false intelligence, proved very costly with the loss of nearly four and a half thousand American lives. Iraqi insurgent groups evolved into Al Qaeda. It wasn't just an anti-American resistance militia but a Salafi Islamist militant movement determined to bring an Islamic state into being, with tragic consequences for the world. How to end that conflict wasn't thought through adequately from the outset. Will Trump learn the lessons of history? He's more of a tactical thinker than he is a strategist. 

Sir Keir Starmer is a Prime Minister who does think things through, considers the evidence and may well lead to him changing his mind. Good for him. His reservations about the legality of Trump's war-making, and caution about allowing the deployment of British military bases in this conflict have been openly criticised by Trump. It's encouraging to think we have a leader who stands his ground without feeling compelled to please such an unreliable leader capable of switching from ally to adversary on a whim.

When I set out for an afternoon walk in Llandaff Fields I found I could walk at a brisker pace for three quarters of an hour without flagging or becoming breathless. An agreeable surprise. Clare went to choir practice after an early supper. Rachel called and we chatted for so long that Clare returned and continued the conversation for even longer. Then another effort to get to bed early to compensate for last night's sleep loss. It's a battle I lose more often than not.

Uncertainty after an assassination

Fine weather doesn't last long. It's a return to low cloud with the prospect of drizzle again today. Last night the death of Iran's supreme leader Khamenei, along with several other key regime figures in an air strike  was reported. In Iran while some crowds are mourning, other crowds are rejoicing. Retaliatory air strikes on Israel and on Arab cities in the Gulf continue relentlessly. Iranian military targets are being bombarded with the aim of countering the aggression. Trump is calling for regime change now that the supreme leader's cruel dictatorship has ended, but a dictatorship is more than one man. 

Iranian religious and political leaders rely on resistance against common enemies. It's in their interests to maintain a brutal authoritarian status quo. Regime opponents are far from united - patriotic monarchists, secular, democrats, pro and anti-America, Islamist extremists. What kind of reforming regime can succeed in guiding the country post-war towards a consensus about the nation's future? Meanwhile the corrupt elite of the revolutionary guard will do everything it can to maintain control in the face of chaos. If eliminated, who knows what kind of violent internal power struggle will be unleashed? 

Attacks on neighbouring Arab states and their response produces another measure of uncertainty. Iran has closed the Straits of Hormuz to traffic. One tanker has already been attacked. Twenty per cent of the global oil supply passes through the straits. This will have far reaching negative impact on the world economy. Has Trump waged war without thinking through the consequences, both immediate and long term?

I slept fairly well despite the usual bladder disruptions. I was fairly clear headed and sharp when I got up and took my blood pressure tablet. Inevitably it made me light headed, but without the toxic impact or drowsiness that has plagued me for so long. This made it easier for me to get ready for church and get there on time for a Lenten celebration of St David's Day. Some of the little girls in Sunday Club came dressed in traditional Welsh hats. One of the younger teenage girls read a lesson beautifully. We defied liturgical tradition by singing the Gloria in Lent. I don't know what Dewi Sant would make of this. Celtic liturgical practice may have been varied locally in any case.

We sang several traditional roof-raising Welsh hymns. Calon Lan proved to be difficult if you didn't know it by heart, as the text on the bilingual hymn sheet was tiny and laid out in a way that was confusing to read. This was reflected in subdued singing from those who, like me, had never memorised it. In contrast, the English rendition of 'Cwm Rhondda' was loud and lusty. I got back home before Clare after the service and prepared the veggies and Salmon for cooking. 

I didn't feel I needed a snooze after lunch and wrote for a while before walking in Llandaff Fields for an hour and a quarter. Daffodils are blossoming in abundance, and the first Celandines are catching up. I took a few pictures to send to cousin Dianne in memory of my Godmother, Auntie Celandine.

 I felt quite tired towards the end of the walk, maybe because I didn't have a rest earlier. I can put up with the blood pressure medication making me feel light headed and even tired when I don't experience the intoxication that seems to be produced by the statins. 

After an early supper, Clare went to a concert given by the Welsh language band 'Brigyn' at St John's. I didn't fancy an evening of amplified music. Apart from the loudness, it's not my kind of music and my Welsh isn't good enough to follow. Clare returned half an hour later, disappointed because she got the date of the concert wrong. It was yesterday. We then sat side by side listening to different programmes through headphones on laptops. A weird opera in Welsh for Clare, and a second series of 'Casi de Teresa Battaglia', set in Udine for me. It's the first time we did that, I think.

War in the Middle East

I woke up to hear news of air attacks on Iran by Israeli and American forces. From the war of words and Trumpian theatrical gunboat diplomacy to full conflict overnight, Retaliatory air strikes on neighbouring Arab states in the Gulf and on Israel followed soon after, as the Iranian regime threatened would happen. Iran has been weakened by economic crisis and mass protests at home murderously suppressed in recent weeks, but its armed forces are capable of inflicting damage on its neighbours, and on the global economy by closing the Straits of Hormuz, an essential oil trade route. Russia and China will be taking an interest in the way this war is waged, learning from its successes and failures.

Another broken night's sleep, my intestines irritated by the effect of the clot dispersing meds. I didn't take the statin, following advice given by the medic who called on Tuesday, to reduce their frequency by half. My head was fairly clear when I woke up in bright sunshine. After taking my usual blood pressure reducing pill at eight thirty, I began to feel light headed, but this morning, the most striking difference was the absence of the toxic fog sensation in my head. The drug is still in my system, its concentration fading, but any fallout from interacting with other medications is minimal. I'm tired, yes, but not sleepy and my concentration is sharp. What a relief!

I walked for an hour in Thompson's Park after our Saturday pancake breakfast and a half hour top-up snooze. The west facing slopes are carpeted with daffodils. Bushes and other vegetation surrounding the pond have been harshly cut back. There are fewer mallards in occupation at the moment, and no sign of the resident moorhens. They are shy birds that spend more time hiding in the muddy undergrowth foraging for food than they do in open water. They make nests in a reed bed on a raft of twigs and other material including scraps of plastic sheet if they find any. I wonder where the birds are hiding at the moment? 

Baked potatoes and fish for lunch, then another hour's walk, this time in Llandaff Fields with a stop at the Co-op on the way back to buy walnuts. I enjoyed the stimulus of cold fresh air and sunshine, with my head much clearer than usual, and I felt less stressed from the effort of coping with toxins in my head  My legs were tired and stiff, but not in the same way as they are after taking a statin. I didn't push myself too hard, and relaxed when I got home watching this week's episode of 'Astrid - Murder in Paris' until it was time for supper. After we'd eaten, I recorded Morning Prayer audio for the week after next, and started getting ready for bed and taking the day's dreaded statin, wondering about its impact on me tomorrow.