Guitar memories

That was the worst night's sleep I've had since I was in hospital. Getting to sleep was the problem. No bad dreams or digestive grumbles, but every time I relaxed and drifted off I was jerked awake, not by noise or physical discomfort but by that imperceptible signalling from heart muscle to brain called 'sleep apnea'. I remember a cardiologist telling me that I had a faulty electrical signal in my heart and that I'd need to have a pacemaker fitted eventually. I didn't connect it with random episodes of sudden wakefulness at the time, however. I think it may happen sometimes when I'm dozing in my armchair too. I noticed it last night as the beta blocker worked to mute the volatility of my blood pressure. I drifted through the night breathing deeply on the edge of consciousness, as this seemed to help. When I didn't breathe deeply I'd drop off for a second and wake up suddenly. I began to wonder if I was going to last the night. It drove me to get up in the early hours, make a pass code checklist, and find my bank account details, to give me peace of mind, and make it easier for someone else to deal with the chaos unleashed if I didn't survive the night.

Needless to say, I was half asleep all morning. The only thing I did was to write a note to my GP reporting what had happened and request another telephone conversation. Clare and Rachel went to Screwfix in the business park by Tesco Extra in search of Bidet pipe adaptors. I took the letter I wrote to the GP surgery and had a short walk on my way home.

After supper, Rachel got her 'cello out and I got my guitar out and we played together, while reminiscing about the family. I've rarely felt motivated to play on my own in recent years. Playing guitar was part of my public ministry from early on. I didn't perform for the sake of it or for fun as I did when the children were growing up. In empty nest years and in retirement, I've placed less and less. I guess music making has always been a social thing for me. After the stroke, I found that my ability to play hadn't been impaired, it was a matter of being out of practice. Hand-eye co-ordination was initially an issue due to my peripheral vision being affected, but fingering the frets to make chords is mostly a matter of feel for positions and this has to be recovered by practice, the fingers reminding you of what you learned. Having Rachel with us has inspired me to return to playing, and remembering wonderful family times.

Still at risk

Warm and cloudy today, getting up feeling that I'd not slept as much as I needed to on six and a half hours sleep. Whenever that happens, I feel worse after taking the morning meds. I had a text message from the GP surgery telling me to make contact about my blood test results. It was too late for a 'book on the day' appointment. I was offered one in two weeks time. I protested to the receptionist that I was feeling unwell now and asked if a telephone appointment to discuss the blood test results would be possible, and this was granted. 

Dr Jordan called just after midday, and reported on my blood test. Liver and Kidney function OK, haemoglobin count a little low, due to blood loss. Another blood test next week to check the haemoglobin has returned to normal. I told her about the impact of the beta blockers, and how I stopped taking them once the nose wound began to heal, also about the distressing impact of the clot dispersal meds whenever my sleep quality is poor. I asked what could be done to reduce dosage or prescribe something else that wouldn't hit me so hard. No answer yet. She wants me to have another attempt at wearing a blood pressure monitor 24/7. I told her I had no confidence in the process and recounted what happened last time I was due to be monitored, when the combined effect of the medications made me so unwell I had to cancel the appointment, and write to UHW cardiology as the unit's contact numbers weren't being answered. 

Well, at least I know my kidney and liver functions are what's expected. I like to think that's due to having acupuncture while I was still in shock and deeply fatigued. 

Rachel spent the morning re-varnishing the garden shed, bless her. After lunch, Clare and Rachel went off to hunt for plumbing adaptors. I dozed in my armchair, and while I did my head cleared of the worst of the wooziness, encouraging me to go out and get some fresh air. I went up and down Llandaff Fields for three quarters of an hour, in a mild cooling breeze. Very pleasant.

When Clare and Rachel returned from shopping we had an early supper before going to Chapter Arts Centre to a surprise birthday celebration for Fran organised by Marc to cheer her up, since she broke her wrist recently and is burdened with a heavy plaster. After greeting her with a big hug I returned home, as I didn't feel well enough to cope with the noise and stimulus of a social gathering. All three of us left home without our mobile phones, so Rachel returned with me to collect hers, but left without Clare's which was still on charge.

I got ready for bed early and after cleaning my teeth my nose shed a few drops of blood. I've been aware since this afternoon of high blood pressure signs, and wondered about taking a beta blocker despite the unpleasant side effects This frightful incident showed I had no option but to take one. I don't understand why my stress level is this high, apart from the fact that the clot dispersal meds make me feel ill and this worries me. 

Trump's Board of Peace negotiators claim they have persuaded Hamas to disarm with the aim of Israeli forces  withdrawing from occupied Gaza. Will it happen? We'll see in the coming weeks. 

Drought

I slept fairly well despite inevitable interruptions from a full bladder. Another cloudy humid day.  A state of drought has been declared in half of England's counties, and in North Wales.  There's been virtually no measurable rainfall for two months. It's not only South West France and Spain that are fighting huge forest fires. There are wild fires in Suffolk and in the Cairngorms too. 

I was awake in time to say goodbye to Owain as he left the house to attend a work meeting in Cardiff HMRC. I felt light headed but reasonably clear. After taking the morning meds I didn't feel nearly as terrible as I did yesterday, my sensory awareness wasn't as blunted the way it was before yesterday's acupuncture. Even so, coping with the light headedness made walking feel unsteady, although I was steady on my feet.

Meanwhile my nostril wound has dried up even more and shed the scab covering its surface, which means I can now breathe through both nostrils at the same time. This will make a difference to my ability to relax in sleep.

I went for a blood test appointment at the surgery after breakfast. On arrival, I was sent straight to the treatment room, having been recognised approaching the surgery from an upstairs window by one of the practice nurses!  I was told that I'd get a message by SMS to advise me of the result, and of the next step.

For months we've been unable to install a new toilet bidet as the one we bought is designed for American plumbing. Investigating the correct piping adapter to connect it to the mains has been frustrating. Rachel, bless her, has set about investigating how this may be done, making enquiries of local hardware stores

Clare and I walked to Thompson's Park for a cup of tea mid afternoon. The central garden containing the statue 'Joyance' by William Goscombe John is full of a variety of brightly coloured plants and tall golden grasses at the moment. It's a delight to behold.

After supper, Rachel made a batch of hummus according to her own recipe with a subtle touch of cayenne and paprika highlighting the chick pea flavour. My head cleared enough for me to go out and walk for ten minutes to get some cool fresh air. The western sky was tinged bright pink by the setting sun. Worth making the effort to go out and see before going to bed somewhat refreshed.

Acupuncture to the rescue

I woke up from quite a good night's sleep feeling fresh and clear, but once I'd taken my morning meds, the world closed in on me again, slowing down my thinking and perception and undermining my ability to get on with normal life. It's just as well that I had decided to give up posting my Wednesday Morning Prayer YouTube video slot. I felt too ill to attend the midweek Eucharist. Rachel commented that she thought the medication was too strong, to be having such a bad effect.

I had an acupuncture appointment with Peter after a lunch of delicious fresh mackerel. Rachel walked with me to Parkwood Clinic to be sure I reached there safely. I walked there without difficulty, but felt as if I was enclosed in a bubble that prevented me from sensing my environment properly.

Peter talked through the impact on me of my stay in A&E as he treated me. He too thinks my prescribed medication is too strong and could be having such a negative effect. It's something I need to discuss with my GP soon. By the time I left the clinic the sensation of being trapped in a bubble reduced considerably. When I got home I promptly fell asleep in my arm chair for nearly an hour. 

Owain arrived in time for supper. He has a work meeting tomorrow in Cardiff, which enables him to stay overnight with the added blessing of spending time with Rachel. It's great to have them both here with us at the same time. I just wish I felt better enough to savour the pleasure of their company.

Rachel's homecoming

I woke up clear and sharp after the best night's sleep I've had in months. I was only awake for an hour and a half out of nine in bed. I had intended to take a precautionary beta blocker before going to sleep but didn't, partly from tiredness, but my nostril wound wasn't as inflamed or threatening to leak so I relaxed into sleep easily. What a difference sleep quality makes. Although my head was clearer to start with and the morning meds didn't affect me badly at first, by lunchtime the usual effect of brain fog hit me hard, slowing me down, depriving me of the ability to sustain concentration for long, exhausting me.

Rachel flew home overnight from Phoenix for our diamond wedding anniversary on the sixth of August. She arrived at Heathrow at eleven and arrived in Cardiff at two thirty. It was so frustrating not to feel well enough to go and meet her at the coach station but Clare did. Such a joy to welcome her home again, looking lovely and brimming with positive energy despite her loss of sleep.

Apart from a short walk up to Penhill Road and back, and walking inside the house, I've not felt well enough to exercise fully today, and have spent most of my time sitting in my armchair feeling unsteady and deprived of the kind of alertness needed to move confidently outdoors. I can't help feeling that despite stopping the nose bleed, my stay in hospital did me more harm than good.

After supper, Rachel and I walked up and down Llandaff Fields, enjoying the cool evening air, catching up on our lives and hopes. Then early bed. Rachel having to face travel tiredness and jet lag, and exhaustion on my part. 

Western Europe forests ablaze

I slept a bit better, grateful that Clare took on the task of queuing at eight to get me a GP appointment. It meant I didn't have to worry about waking up early to make the call, but it was an effort to get myself out of the house and down to the surgery on time, as the meds were taking effect, making me feel light headed and woozy. Although I was punctual I had to wait twenty minutes to be seen as a person in need of more urgent attention was ahead of me. The outcome of my appointment, a blood test appointment to check if I've become anaemic due to blood loss. My reaction to beta blockers seems to be expected - exhaustion.

Clare cooked thick swordfish steaks from Ashton's for lunch. They go well with sweet and sour red cabbage. A pleasant surprise. I slept for an hour in my armchair after eating, then went out and re-stocked our fruit supply in the Co-op. Then I slept in the chair again for another hour. Is this all part of recovery from the awful experience I had in A&E?

The sky was overcast for much of the afternoon. When I went out for a breath of fresh air as the sun was setting there was a fine drizzle brought down from the north west by a cooling wind. The contrast between this and the heat trapped in the house by recent hot weather was refreshing. I didn't have the energy to go far. When my head feels trapped in this soporific state, I'm not sure how far I can trust my body to walk and not stumble.

The high wind that has driven disastrous wildfires across western France and Spain has abated enough since yesterday for firefighters to work on making fire breaks to  protect towns and cities within ten miles of the blaze. The air temperature is 40C and the behaviour of flames unpredictable in turbulent hot air.  Three hundred and sixty thousand people have been evacuated, wearing a face mask to protect against smoke pollution is a necessity. The environmental damage to regional agriculture is likely to be serious. It may take months to extinguish forest fires completely. The reality of climate change, denied or ignored for so long is now unavoidable. President Macron speaks of this as the most difficult fire situation to face France since World War Two.

After supper, we watched a fascinating edition of 'Fake or Fortune' - real life detective stories about works of art whose origin and history are doubtful according to experts familiar with the the work of a painter to whom a work is attributed. Scientific research into materials used and historical research into associated documentary evidence is used to make a case for the authenticity of a work. It's always worth watching. Early to bed again tonight.

Reason for gratitude

Another awful night of lost sleep, despite going to bed early. I was light headed and drowsy by the time I'd eaten breakfast, taken my meds  and got to St Catherine's for the Eucharist, fighting the feeling of being unwell, needing the holy normality of receiving the Sacrament at Sunday Mass. A senior churchgoer asked me how I was. I said how I was feeling. "Then why did you come?" I was asked. 

If you don't know why you commit yourself to give God thanks for everything at 'all times and in all places',  There's no answer to that. Feeling well, or feeling in the mood doesn't come into it. Life is hard going at the moment, but it's still to be received with gratitude from God.

Fr Rhys gave us a lift home after church, giving me a moment to update him on my condition. After lunch I went to bed for an hour, not that it did me much good. Shoulder pain kept me awake. Then I walked down to the Half Way and back for some fresh air, but it didn't do anything to clear my head. I went out again after supper and walked around the block for ten minutes. Still no change. I sat in my armchair and dozed some more until it was time to go to bed properly, defeated by this strange mental exhaustion.