One small achievement

I woke up to another clear bright and sunny day. I lost three and a half hour's sleep last night due to wind pains and bowel discomfort that left me lying awake, feeling anxious for no reason at all. There's been no change in my diet or bug to upset my stomach. It's a persistent pernicious side effect of the clot busting drug. I woke up feeling clear and sharp, tempted to skip the medication, but took it as usual with breakfast. On this occasion the light headedness returned but my head remained clear. 

Still pondering on our wedding, I remembered my best man Mike, who died eight years and a half years ago and phoned Gail his widow for a chat. Her eldest grandson is about to start university. Her grand daughter is a choral scholar in Salisbury. Mike would be delighted to think that musicality runs in the family genes.

I cooked sardines for lunch with spring cabbage and potatoes, then went to bed for an hour afterwards in the hope of recovering from lost sleep. I rested but didn't drop off.

Clare wanted to print a recent photo of Kath and Rachel received on WhatsApp. She couldn't download the picture directly to her phone to copy to her Linux laptop for printing. I found it had been backed up to Google Photos automatically, and wasn't given the option to copy it to a location from where I could transfer it to her laptop. I loaded Chromium browser on her laptop and found the picture in Google Photos, from where I could download and print it. But there was a snag. 

First, I had to log in to Clare's Google account where I encountered a new unavoidable security imposition. It insisted on setting up two factor log-in account authorisation, which entails entering the password and receiving a code by email to confirm the identity of the password user. Unexpected and fiddly to say the least. Retaining concentration to do this correctly in my light-headed slow thinking state was an unexpected challenge. I managed not to panic and succeeded in the task. Finding the photo, downloading and printing it from Google Photos was straightforward after that. Now we have a lovely new framed picture of our daughters on the lounge book shelf, along with another of both our granddaughters.

We went for a walk around Llandaff Fields before supper, enjoying the sunshine and the mild evening air, and I went out again as sunset approached, for a little fresh air and exercise before bed.

Wedding day recalled

Sunshine and clouds carried by the west wind when I woke up clear headed but not well rested from an average night of disturbed sleep. The effect of the medication yet again ruined my day with drowsiness and a light headedness which makes me feel faint and unsteady, though I never come close to passing out.

Sad not to be able to attend the Eucharist today. I was going to watch the Mass live streamed from St David's Cathedral, but dozed off in my drugged condition, got distracted when I woke up, and started cooking lunch instead.

On two occasions in the afternoon, I walked a circuit of Llandaff Fields in an effort to clear my head with little success, but it was reassuring to see the grass reviving thanks to rain showers over the past few days.

Sixty years married today - so many stories, so much to remember and cherish. Kath phoned on her way to work, and we had a lovely video greeting from Veronica and a phone call from Marc and Fran. I exchanged messages with Amanda and Frank Dall as well. His daughter Tania is getting married this autumn. He's afflicted with a disabling spinal condition, but is looking forward to walking her down the aisle.

We spent a quiet evening together pondering on our wedding. Very few people are left who were guests, Frank being one of them. our dear late friend David Barker took black and white photos which are among our cherished treasures. I started to write a poem about how Clare and I met. Hopefully by the time we have our anniversary lunch on Sunday it'll be worth reading aloud to our family.

Anniversary anticipated

Eight and a half hours of good sleep certainly refreshed me and I started the day feeling clear and sharp, cheered by the clear blue sky. It didn't last, once I took my daily medication my brain clouded over and left me with the 'toxic head' that slows me down and reduces my ability to function normally. One thing that mitigates the toxic sensation is a dose of kefir yoghourt to calm the gut. I take some with breakfast, but by the end of the morning the sensation returns. If I take another dose before lunch the symptoms are relieved.

Iran and Oman are finalizing a safe route for shipping through the Straight of Hormuz, on condition the US naval blockade of Iranian ports is lifted. Houthi militias are still targeting Red Sea shipping, attacking Saudi tankers. Israel and Hezbollah in Lebanon continue to attack each other, with the risk of Iran reacting by stopping traffic through the Straight of Hormuz, so the situation in the Middle East remains unstable and uncertain.

Rachel left us to take the train to Kenilworth after breakfast. Clare and I went to St Catherine's for the Eucharist, to give thanks for sixty years of marriage. Disappointingly, there's no service in the Ministry Area to celebrate the Feast of the Transfiguration tomorrow, so we have to make do with today's service commemorating St Oswald instead. Fr Andrew was scheduled to celebrate so I asked if he'd pronounce the beautiful 'Common Worship' Nuptial Blessing over us after we received Communion and printed a copy of the text for him to use, which he did - 'fulfilling all righteousness' as Scripture says, in other words doing justice to the occasion. Indeed, we have so much to give thanks for, a family that gives us joy and delight, so many adventures and challenges overcome, for better and for worse. How could we not be grateful for all the blessings we have received? I was delighted to receive a congratulatory text message from Ruth Honey of the local branch of the Mothers' Union. Fr Andrew must have mentioned this in the service at St John's following ours.

I had an acupuncture appointment immediately after lunch and had to rush to get there. I was five minutes late, lacking the energy to pick up the pace. Or else, I picked the slightly longer less direct route without realising. I'm better as a result of last week's treatment, and think today's will lead to further improvement.

I had a call from the GP surgery in response to my letter to book me in for an appointment straight after I have my blood test next Tuesday. This will give me an opportunity to emphasise what a negative impact the current medication dosage is having on me. Rachel established with the local pharmacy that a lower dosage of the clot busting medication is available. Would that make a different, as it seems I'm so sensitive to these drugs.

My head cleared enough for me to walk for half an hour up and down Llandaff Fields before supper. It's quite breezy this evening, as cool at 18C. Clare went out early to the cinema in Chapter to see Christopher Nolan's new movie 'The Odyssey'. I didn't go with her as I know from previous painful experience that I can't tolerate the loudness of the high definition sound system. A quiet evening for me, at home alone and early bed

Rain relief

A good eight hours of sleep last night. I hope this reflects recovery from the vicious cycle of lost sleep over the past month. Better sleep means a less distressing effect from the medication. I took advantage of this to walk up and down Llandaff Fields mid-morning. Rachel joined me and we did chi gong exercises under in the shadow of the trees.

Clare needed persuading by Rachel and I not to pursue a conversation with a tele-sales person with whom she made contact about installing solar panels. She forgot that last year we didn't pursue a solar installation project because the orientation of Meadow Street roofing doesn't offer optimum exposure for solar panels, even for new generation high efficiency panels. If the return on investment was attractive enough there would be many houses with panels installed in the street but none are visible. House owners are investing in loft conversions and roof re-tiling. The evidence for adoption isn't there. 

It's warm and cloudy today with an occasional shower of rain before lunch and a more prolonged shower after. It's much needed as the turf is parched. It'll be interesting to see the colour transformation as the grass absorbs water. I've been fairly inactive today, though not due to the distressing drowsiness of recent weeks, which has made me anxious sometimes. Worry free rest and relaxation is what I need most now.

After supper we made music again, with the three of us playing together. Rachel, inspired by watching the Eisteddfod on telly, learning a few melodies known to Clare and I, including how to sing and play 'Calon Lan'. I notice how stiff my hands and wrists are. With Rachel being here I've played guitar more than I have done for months. My hands are stiff from exercising them. An hour of playing was very enjoyable, but enough of an effort, mental and physical, to make me wind down and start my bedtime routine by half past nine.

Lunch with friends

Thankfully seven hours of good sleep, leaving me clear headed and fairly sharp. Initially, the impact of the morning medication wasn't as heavy as on previous days. Still light headed but not as drowsy. I stayed in, to wait for a GP phone call which never came. By lunchtime the effect of the medication worsened leaving me unable to focus on anything useful. Rachel busied herself investigating piping adaptors for use with our incompatible American sourced bidet on Amazon and figured out a possible workaround. I wasn't able to participate in this process as my brain was unable to grasp and work with the details. Is this due to the drugs or to damage done by the stress of my last admission to A&E? Are the medics interest once you're out of the door and theoretically in someone's hands?

Fran and Marc came to lunch. It was good to have Rachel with us as she too has known Marc for many years. After lunch we made music together, with Marc borrowing Clare's grandpa's fiddle, Rachel and I on guitar. Part of the session was figuring out from memory the accompaniment to 'Sweet Georgia Brown, which Marc is currently learning as a tribute to Stefan Grapelli. Great fun! I greatly enjoyed this, though it was hard pushing back against the 'toxic head' impact.

Rachel and I went for a walk in Llandaff Fields after supper, where she started picking blackberries at dusk. I had to come home before her as physical tiredness took hold of me. It was dark before she returned with half a kilo's worth in a plastic bag. The last foraging expedition yielded a pot of beautifully flavoured blackberry coulis and a blackberry and apple crumble, shared with Fran and Marc at lunchtime. I wonder what she'll do with the latest batch?

Sleep respite

I went to bed last night at ten and woke up this morning at nine, with few of the usual interruptions, over nine hours of actual sleep! I don't recall when I last had such a restful night. I had a clear head to start with until the medication took effect and robbed me of sharpness. 

I can't believe the difference between last night and the previous night. I fell asleep before taking a beta blocker and only woke up to pee a few times, and had no anxiety sensations. I think I must have crossed over a relaxation threshold, allowing me to benefit from catching up more of my recent lost sleep.

Clare and I went to the Eucharist at St Catherine's. Afterwards I apologised to Fr Siôn for pulling out from service taking and engagement in the WhatsApp Daily Prayer video thread. He was most understanding. Rowan's wife Jane also stopped and asked about my condition, she was aware no doubt that he'd been recruited to stand in for me in Siôn's absence.

Rachel cooked us a magnificently tasty salmon dish for lunch. I was compelled to sleep again afterwards. Rachel and Clare sat drinking tea in the garden with a neighbour's daughter while I was in bed. It was pleasantly warm and sunny when we walked to Llandaff Fields to forage for blackberries. Frustratingly, it was a matter of endurance for me as the toxic effect of the clot busting medication was so pronounced. Hopefully I'll get an opportunity to discuss this with the GP when she calls tomorrow.

Ashley called for a chat after supper. He has increasing trouble from a hernia and is pressing UHW for emergency surgery as he's been parked in an elective surgery waiting queue. He's acquired a new Freely digi-boxes which works independently with Android and other TVs to display a range of free to air TV channels - the kind of device which internet packages with TV subscriptions normally offer. He's going to acquire one for us. By the time we finished chatting, it was time to get ready for bed.

Guitar memories

That was the worst night's sleep I've had since I was in hospital. Getting to sleep was the problem. No bad dreams or digestive grumbles, but every time I relaxed and drifted off I was jerked awake, not by noise or physical discomfort but by that imperceptible signalling from heart muscle to brain called 'sleep apnea'. I remember a cardiologist telling me that I had a faulty electrical signal in my heart and that I'd need to have a pacemaker fitted eventually. I didn't connect it with random episodes of sudden wakefulness at the time, however. I think it may happen sometimes when I'm dozing in my armchair too. I noticed it last night as the beta blocker worked to mute the volatility of my blood pressure. I drifted through the night breathing deeply on the edge of consciousness, as this seemed to help. When I didn't breathe deeply I'd drop off for a second and wake up suddenly. I began to wonder if I was going to last the night. It drove me to get up in the early hours, make a pass code checklist, and find my bank account details, to give me peace of mind, and make it easier for someone else to deal with the chaos unleashed if I didn't survive the night.

Needless to say, I was half asleep all morning. The only thing I did was to write a note to my GP reporting what had happened and request another telephone conversation. Clare and Rachel went to Screwfix in the business park by Tesco Extra in search of Bidet pipe adaptors. I took the letter I wrote to the GP surgery and had a short walk on my way home.

After supper, Rachel got her 'cello out and I got my guitar out and we played together, while reminiscing about the family. I've rarely felt motivated to play on my own in recent years. Playing guitar was part of my public ministry from early on. I didn't perform for the sake of it or for fun as I did when the children were growing up. In empty nest years and in retirement, I've placed less and less. I guess music making has always been a social thing for me. After the stroke, I found that my ability to play hadn't been impaired, it was a matter of being out of practice. Hand-eye co-ordination was initially an issue due to my peripheral vision being affected, but fingering the frets to make chords is mostly a matter of feel for positions and this has to be recovered by practice, the fingers reminding you of what you learned. Having Rachel with us has inspired me to return to playing, and remembering wonderful family times.