Sleep starved

I had the usual broken night's sleep and woke up at first light as the Velux blind wasn't completely closed. My strained right shoulder was painful and it wasn't easy to manoeuvre in and out of bed to empty my bladder. Thankfully the bed is comfortable so I slept fairly well despite the disturbances. At eight thirty I posted today's YouTube Morning Prayer link to What'sApp then got up for breakfast. I was up before the others, having a lie-in after yesterday's journey, then went to the Eucharist at St Catherine's. There were six of us this morning, with several regulars away. I felt tired and stressed out when I got to church, but much calmer afterwards.

Clare and Ann went off to the National Museum to view the exhibition of Gwen John's paintings and had lunch there, leaving me to cook Tagliatelli with a tuna sugo for myself. I started preparing Wednesday Morning Prayer in the Octave of Pentecost, and a reflection on the Gospel about the child with an unclean spirit, who has a tantrum and shocks onlookers with his foul mouthed rant. Jesus rebukes the spirit. Earlier Jesus is reported as rebuking a storm - the word means to sharply criticize someone, or express strong disapproval, which seems rather odd when addressed to a force of nature. Rebuking a spirit is not exactly a telling off for the person, but rather the negative energy their behaviour conveys - chaotic energy in other words. God's Word orders the primordial chaos at the beginning of creation. You could say it 'rebukes' the chaos. This rather figurative use of language reminds the reader or listener of who is being revealed by the works and words of Jesus. A kid in a tantrum spoken to in a quiet sympathetic way can have calm restored in the midst of emotional turmoil.

After reflecting on this and writing about it, I went for a slow walk in Llandaff Fields though I felt very tired. I needed the fresh air and the birdsong to lift my spirits. Clare ordered a take away from Stefano's for supper. After my large pasta lunch, I didn't feel like eating much more today. I slept for an hour while they ate their meal, which finally cleared my head. Then I got up and just ate fruit with yoghourt. A light meal before returning to sleep once more. One way or another I'll get the rest I need.

False Alarm

Another night of broken sleep, and not enough of it, but at least the couch was more comfortable. After breakfast we packed our bags and stripped the beds. We were more or less ready to leave by nine thirty when there was a fire alarm test, like one we had last week, only this time the alarm didn't stop, and it was painfully loud. Fortunately we could remove our belongings from the apartment and leave as intended for the walk to the station. I had to walk around as much as possible with fingers in both ears, as the alarm was located in the corridor a metre above us and I didn't want to rupture an ear drum. Another loud alarm was ringing outside as well. Apartment residents gathered in the courtyard and waited. There was no sign of fire in the property. We had to leave and there was no indication that there would be any head count, but I rang Ann and left her a message to tell her what happened in case she had a call from someone asking for an account of the occupants of each apartment. After ten minute or so, a fire engine arrived, and we were told, as we were leaving that it had been a 'false alarm', presumably a fault in the alarm network revealed something wasn't working as intended.

Clare called for a taxi but found that none were available, so we walked to Tenby station - downhill most of the way thankfully. We had to walk over a footbridge to reach the eastbound platform, not easy with a heavy suitcase, then waited half an hour for a train. The weather was good and the view of the coast was equally lovely on the return trip. We had a picnic lunch and I was able to relax and unwind. Throughout the return journey I noticed many lighter shades of green in the variations of passing landscape. What a joy to behold!

After my conversation yesterday with Ann about connection timing, I timed the walk from getting off the train on platform zero to the ticket barrier accessing platform 1. Five minutes with a crowd of passengers, all needing to use the same lift. I'm sure there used to be stairs here. According to Google Maps this transit takes one minute. From ticket gate to platform 1, add another 2-3 minutes. Heaven help anyone with mobility issues or a pushchair for kiddies to manage. I must report this, as it seriously affects people expecting to use an eastbound fast connecting train. We took a taxi home and arrived at three.

Before unpacking, I went to the GP surgery to deliver A&E discharge documents ordering a blood test. Coincidentally a GP letter arrived in the morning mail asking me to book an appointment for a a blood test and blood pressure test. There was also a follow up letter about an appointment to fit me with a blood pressure measuring device for a week in the same batch of mail. I anticipate the outcome will be that I'll be prescribed another blood pressure reducing medication, adding to the misery I experienced previously. What I would most benefit from most would be a quieter less stressful life with fewer disruptions and distractions with more time to sort out my life. The past couple of weeks have exhausted me.

After a supper of savoury rice with salmon, I walked for half an hour in Llandaff Fields. The trees' leaf canopy is noticeably denser after two weeks away. Little light gets through the branches, and the trees appear a darker green. 

Breaking routine and getting to bed in the attic required a bit more organising than usual. Although we all retired at ten, I gave way to the others and was last. It took me an hour to organise myself, as I'd not yet unpacked my case. I hope I can settle in an unfamiliar room which I've not slept in since before the stroke.

Desperate for more sleep

Another bad night's sleep on the couch. The Fitbit or the app may be faulty, which wouldn't be surprising as Google has imposed Google Health, whatever that is, on the working of the fitbit app. It may be that the app just stopped working for four hours. It could be something to do with an internet connectivity glitch interrupting the device telemetry. At least I don't feel terrible! 

When I woke up at daybreak, I peeped out of the lounge curtains and saw a bullfinch poised on the garden bench nearby. It's the first time I've ever seen one, let alone at close quarters. 

Ann and Clare have decided to return to Cardiff tomorrow and stop with us  overnight before travelling to London. It's the best way to reduce the uncertainty about the train connection on a Bank Holiday. 

When I was in the bathroom I had a phone call from Withybush A&E about coming in for a blood test. I said the journey was too stressful after a bad night of sleep, and I need rest and quietness. A note will be sent to our GP. I can book a blood test when I get home.

I had savoury black beans cooked with fried onion and mushroom, Ann and Clare had omelettes. They went to the train station afterwards to buy tickets for tomorrow. I slept for another hour and went for a slow walk as the drizzle had stopped

I had a WhatsApp message exchange with Kath at tea time, and an hour later a voice call with Rachel. She sang me a song she's practicing for a gig.  The recording app on my phone refused to record the song live, so I recorded it on my digital dictator and changed the .wma file format to .mp3 using Google's Cloud Convert to email it to her instead.

We all went to bed by ten. I was too tired, and didn't want to fight the wind and rain to walk my full daily distance. I found a thick blanket and folded it in layers to serve as an extra cushion for the couch in the hope of a less uncomfortable and longer night's sleep.

Ascension Baptism at St Mary's

A very disturbed night. I ended up sleeping on the sofa and being woken up at eight when Ann and Clare got up at eight. We went to the St Mary's Parish Eucharist at ten. In addition to the regular congregation of about seventy, there was a large family group attending for a baptism during the service. Fr Steve preached a stirring Ascensiontide sermon, as well as celebrating and baptizing a baby girl named Lola. He wasn't wearing a radio mic. and used his strong voice to announce and give instructions, quite a strain nevertheless, as it's a big church with two aisles as well as the nave and chancel

There was a buzz of excited chatter to start with. After the Christening it was much quieter as the baptism party left the church during the exchange of the Peace. It reminded me of hearing Greek Orthodox clergy declare 'The Doors, the Doors!' before the Peace, the moment at which Cathechumens were excluded from the eucharistic Mysteries and left the church after the Liturgy of the Word in the Byzantine rite. 

I returned to Croft Court straight after the service rather than go with them for coffee and a snack lunch. I was feeling the after effects of sleep loss and in need of peace and quiet. I dozed for a while, then cooked myself tagliatelli with the remains of the black bean sugo I made a few days ago. Clare and Ann returned and I went out for a walk as far as South Beach calling in Tesco's to buy a couple of tins of fish. I'm staying in tonight, while they eat out. I still find restaurants uncomfortable, especially when I'm tired. Too much stimulus to cope with. I just crave peace and quiet.

I had the apartment to myself for supper with rye bread and sardines  then went out for a sunset walk. Ann and Clare returned satisfied with their enjoyable meal. Ann had to prepare for her return journey on a Bank Holiday weekend, involving a change to the Paddington train in Cardiff. Not as simple as it sounds. TFW Metro system trains arrive at the peripheral platform zero, from which a lift descends to the booking hall for access to main line platforms. Allow for a five to ten minute walk, depending on the number of people on the move at that time and there's an element of uncertainty about making the connection. Best for an older person walking slowly, lugging a case to avoid or plan for. 

In addition a timetable change had taken effect making it more difficult to establish the accuracy of information provided when booking the ticket. The TFW website isn't user friendly, too much information, no place where you can view a train timetable directly of the kind you'd see on a station platform. You can only access information by giving information about the ticket you propose to buy. There's an assortment of train apps which are equally complicated. Google provides a schedule summary fortunately, but this doesn't always display unless the right wording is used. We could find no reassurance to the uncertainty this produced. In the end, we all attempted to get an early night.

Landmark moment?

It seems that I'm feeling the cold much more than Clare or Ann. Both find the apartment comfortable and warm, and wonder if it's something to  do with my metabolism or a side effect of the medication. I'm none the worse for yesterday's medication chaos, but getting up in the night half a dozen times to empty my bladder, I lose body heat and it takes ages to warm up and return to sleep. If I leave an arm trailing outside the blankets, the arm gets cold, then my exposed shoulder ... etc. Eleven hours in bed last night, four hours sleep lost. 

I remember this effect during my covid sojourn in Ibiza. Night time sea air seems to draw heat from my body when the temperature is ten to eleven degrees. If it's ten degrees higher, the air doesn't have a chilling effect. At home I can add a fleece jacket if I feel cold, but didn't bring one with me as I had too much to carry. I'll have to wrap up warmer from now on, bed clothes aren't enough. I may have less sub-cutaneous body fat now as I'm fifteen kilos lighter than I was in my sixties. Waking up and getting going was a slow process. 

It was cloudy with occasional drizzles of rain when Clare and Ann went shopping after breakfast. I stayed behind and rested to recover mental and physical energy and cooked lunch for myself, as the others had a snack lunch in town. Then I slept for over an hour before going out for a walk when the rain stopped. The wind is a little warmer today than it has been since we arrived.

 It's been nine months since the stroke. Rufus said it took him nine months to be rid of brain fog and regain clarity and mental sharpness. It's a landmark moment in recovery. I think this is true for me, sort of. I'm not getting the quality of sleep I need to avoid cumulative brain fatigue. This affects the coherence of my perception and memory. I don't forget much over time, but retrieval and retention is slow or erratic, and linked to my need for visual or memorised cues. Working hard to exercise and rebuild the required neural pathways in the brain is essential, but fatigue sabotages the effort. It reminds me of how physical muscles behave when recovering from exercise or from a night's sleep. I'm anxious about losing control and failing to get done that which must be done, conscious of time running out. Sometimes I feel as if time is accelerating and I'm lagging behind.

Owain called and chatted with us after supper, and Rachel later on, both using WhatsApp. I chatted with Ann face to face after Clare went to bed, and ended up going to bed later than is good for me.

Meds muddle

After a fair and relaxed night's sleep, another day with a strong cold wind, sunshine and cloud. When I came to take my meds at breakfast time, I was shocked to discover that I'd made an error in my routine self dosage. Instead of aspirin in the aspirin package there was a strip of Losartan. I have no idea how that happened, but it meant that for the past couple of days I have been overdosing myself without realising. The writing on the back of the foil strip packaging is so small it's easy to make a mistake with my visual impairment. Clare and I walked around to the neighbouring Cottage Hospital where I was treated with motherly kindness by two experienced nurse practitioners. My blood pressure was sky high with the shock and from responding to their diagnostic questions. If I had critically overdosed it would lead to kidney failure I was told. No sign of that. Bladder working normally so far.

The outcome was the need to check with a blood test, which could only be done at Withybush Hospital, an hour's journey away by bus or train. By the time this was proposed I was tired, hungry and thirsty and unwilling to put myself under any more pressure and increase my stress levels. I declined, knowing what the impact on me would be. Having searched high and low for the missing aspirin, I went to the pharmacy in town on my way back to Croft Court and bought some. At half past five I had a phone call from an A&E nurse at Withybush to say they had been expecting me, as the nurse I saw at the Cottage Hospital had alerted them to expect me, despite my saying that I was too tired to make the journey. He expressed concern about my high blood pressure, and I explained this was normal, and something I lived with. The A&E nurse stated his concern and told me that if there was any change in my condition, to call 999. The perils of country life with no car! My misgivings about taking this holiday were justified. Having skipped my morning dose of Losartan as a precaution, I felt there was sufficient justification to take if following this conversation, which doubtless raised my blood pressure for a second time in the day. After this call I felt hot headed, a symptom of high blood pressure I used to experience when under stress back in the day. I took the Losartan dose missed earlier, in the hope this would stabilise me.

I cooked rice to go with a can of sardines for supper, as I didn't fancy fish and chps. Then a half hour walk as the sun set  there was no wind and the sea was still. A lovely calming sight on my way back for an early night. 

Early for Ascension

Another wakeful night, disturbed by Clare's noisy snoring  leaving me unable to recover from mental and physical fatigue, feeling stressed out. If only I had remembered to pack my ear plugs. As a precaution against overdosing on aspirin, I cut the pill in half and dissolved one half in water. It took over an hour to do this and it tasted disgusting.

I made the effort to walk to St Mary's for the Ascension Day Eucharist, and arrived an hour early. I didn't check the time before leaving, and didn't want to be late. I intended to go to the pharmacy and ask them to check the aspirin dosage prescribed, but went to the church to confirm the service time. Several women were there preparing flower arrangements for a wedding, but they didn't know anything about the service time. At half past eleven, Vicar Fr Steve arrived, and the Verger lit the candles and prepared the altar, then there were a dozen at noon celebrating the end of Easter-tide together. I enjoyed waiting, quietly watching the 'liturgy before the liturgy' unfold' letting the stress drain away. I had a brief chat with Fr Steve after the service.  I was surprised he recognised me from our previous holiday visit nearly two years ago.

The pharmacy was closed for lunch when I got there, so I returned to Croft Court and had sardines and rye bread for lunch. Then, back to the pharmacy to inquire about the aspirin dosage. Apparently there was no mistake, but I still can't work out why the previously prescribed ones were more readily water soluble and didn't taste so unpleasant. Clare and Ann had lunch in town. I slept for a much needed extra hour until Clare and Ann arrived.

I went out for a walk to clear my head with fresh air after and drive away the tiredness. Up the hill behind Croft Court there's a long car park which serves holidaymakers and visitors to the Cottage Hospital along one side of the site. Described as a nurse-led walk-in treatment centre, it operates from ten until five on weekdays, dealing with minor injuries and illnesses without a scheduled appointment. It's staffed by Emergency Nurse Practitioners, therapists and GPs in one of fifty centres referred to as Community Hospitals in Wales - a new medical enterprise which has developed in the past decade.

When I returned, Ann and Clare had cooked sausages and baked spuds for supper, followed by stewed apricots, the taste of these reminded me of being in Ibiza during covid lockdown, watching apricot trees blossom and a month later, buying and stewing them for pudding. After supper, Clare and I rearranged the lounge furniture to set up a separate bed I could sleep in without disturbance, hoping to be able to shake off the fatigue that's plaguing me at the moment. Ann and I chatted about ways of recovering from trauma until it was time for sleep.