Sluggish system

Overcast with drizzle again this morning. I didn't sleep as well as I hoped I would. Shoulder pain made it difficult to get comfortable and settle. No Saturday breakfast pancakes today, as Clare was focused on her trip with Gail to the Steiner school year end gathering for leaving students. I recorded and edited Morning Prayer and Reflection for two Wednesdays hence as I had the house to myself. I need to plan ahead as I can never be certain how well I'll feel to do this at short notice. It's consolation for not preaching these days and I enjoy preparing and writing Reflections. 

 I made the video slide show and uploaded it to YouTube, then it was lunch time. As I was on my own, and didn't know when Clare was due to return. Assuming she was going to eat at school, I steamed potatoes and cauliflower and opened a can of tuna for an improvised lunch. I fell asleep in my armchair after eating. Later Clare arrived home and cooked herself an omelette. If only I'd known I could have cooked for both of us.

It was dull overcast and windy, when I walked for an hour and a half in Llandaff Fields at tea time. It's not at all like summer. When I checked my distance on the Google Health phone app it forced an elaborate security check on me to establish who I really was, using the Fitbit Versa and new software I didn't ask for and isn't as user friendly was the app it replaced. I've started coming across complaints on-line about the functionality and accuracy of Google Health. It feels more like a work in progress than a reliable asset. 

The security checks convey the impression that Android and Google are insecure about device ownership. The phone unlocks now with either a pin code or face recognition which is irritatingly slow and erratic in action. I've noticed the Android operating system is getting slower as time goes on. Background internet calls to send or receive all kinds of data automatically, essential or not, plus additional reliance on AI, mean an increased volume of data traffic makes demands on processing power and connectivity. The phone runs warmer sometimes and the battery doesn't last as long. No matter how powerful it is, traffic congestion is going to slow the device down.

We had a call from Rachel. Her cat Zeek is sick, maybe dying from toxins in their urban environment. It's upsetting for her, as Zeek is a communicative creature who likes company, except that now he disappears into neighbourhood gardens, and Rachel doesn't know if she'll see him again. She's planning to return to Cardiff to celebrate our diamond wedding in August, despite the uncertainty surrounding flight reliability and costs due to the war.

Middle Eastern peace talks seem to be getting nowhere. America attacks Iranian vessels blockaded in the Straight of Hormuz, and Iran launches missile and drones at US bases in Bahrain and Kuwait. Trump is facing increasing opposition to his policies. In the House of Representatives some Republicans joined the Democrats in passing a measure that seeks to halt moves by Trump to take further military action in Iran. It puts pressure on the Trump administration to find an end to the war, as US economic damage becomes more evident with rising prices. Trump's White House ballroom vanity project spending is likely to be obstructed by Congress, another sign of disapproval. A poor result for Republicans in mid-term elections could put even more pressure on him to change policy or lose support completely.

In the light of recent successful drone strikes on facilities in the St Petersburg area, Ukraine's President Zelenskyy has called on Putin to engage with him in talks. Putin has dismissed the invitation, but it may be seen as an embarrassment, implying that Putin's war hasn't achieved subjugation of Ukraine, despite the loss of life and cost to the Russian economy. Ukraine is demonstrating its ability to hit long range targets and inflict strategic damage to the Russian economy, as well as striking Moscow, something that's bound to unsettle Putin's loyal supporters. Each day I wake up wondering what's going to happen next. I hope and pray these foolish tyrants realise it's not in their best interests to continue waging war and consider an exit strategy from their futile acts of aggression. 

One small step

An overcast day with occasional rain showers. Another good night's sleep - two in a row! Admittedly I did feel sleepy for much of the morning, but not as poorly as I have done often in past months. After breakfast I made the Morning Prayer video slide-show and posted it to YouTube. Clare went out and I cooked pasta with the veggie chick pea dish for lunch when she returned. I slept soundly for another three quarters of an hour after we'd eaten. When I woke up an email invoice arrived from Dwr Cymru. My head was clear and my focus was sharp. I set about paying the bill online immediately and completed the process with neither hesitation nor apprehension. After the stroke with its associated trauma, I lost confidence in my ability to make digital transactions. This is the first occasion for me not to feel anxious or nervous about doing this. Kudos to Dwr Cymru for producing a clear user friendly website to facilitate this small step in recovery!

After supper Clare and I watched a BBC documentary about the foundation of the world's greatest science teamwork project, the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in the Pays de Gex. As Chaplain at Holy Trinity in Geneva I ministered to a congregation, many of whom worked at CERN most of their adult lives. What a privilege that was! I remember a guided tour of the installation when it was still a work in progress, but didn't recognise anyone in news footage showing some of the world's top scientists celebrating the finding for the Higgs Boson back in the day.

I spent the rest of the evening writing a biblical reflection to go with Morning Prayer in two weeks time and then it was already time for bed.

Check-up

The sky is filled with clouds on the move again today, with occasional glimpses of sunshine and the threat of rain. I slept quite well, despite irritation of my bladder and bowels robbing me of rest, leading to diarrhea and a miserable start to the day yet again. It's not due to a bug but to the impact of clot dispersal drugs on my digestive system. It's always worse if my diet has been protein rich. Heaven knows why.

After breakfast I went to the GP surgery for blood and blood pressure tests and a urine sample as well. I'm losing so much fluid at night, despite drinking a pint of water to compensate, my veins aren't easy for the phlebotomist to access and it took two separate attempts to draw blood. My blood pressure is very high. It's not surprising given the shock my digestive system is subjected to. My senses are dulled, thinking and reactions are lethargic. To recover, I have to rest though I'm not really tired, but feeling incoherent. Clare cooked lunch, and after more rest I made an effort to walk in Llandaff Fields for over an hour. There was a strong wind again. It cleared my head somewhat and boosted my energy. 

When I arrived home, Clare was out having an acupuncture and massage treatment. Her repaired hip joint is painful, and cause for concern. Why this should be happening has yet to be diagnosed. My concentration was good enough to record and edit the audio for next week's Morning Prayer. 

I spent the evening watching a couple of episodes of 'Les Invisibles', the French crimmie set in Lille. The series is about a team of detectives that focuses on identifying murder victims about whom nothing is known. The predominant accent of the characters is that of north eastern France, and is less familiar than the accents of the Midi, Paris or the Alps often heard in TV dramas, glimpsing the sub-titles to check what saw said was more necessary than usual.

Creative defence

I woke up at half past eight  to the sound of hammering and the whine of an electric screwdriver from the loft conversion work next door but one. Then the sound of torrential rain, which sounded like someone was spraying the bedroom window. I had a good night's sleep despite the usual disruptions nevertheless, but I didn't feel much benefit from it. When I was preparing to post today's Morning Prayer YouTube link to the Parish WhatsApp group, I noticed a typo in the title. I couldn't figure out how to edit this on my phone, so I got up and corrected it on my Chromebook before posting.

Despite the sun shining through the clouds, there was a drizzle of rain when I walked to St Catherine's for the Eucharist, and a downpour when I set out for home afterwards. There were eight of us this morning. Jean spotted that my face was drained of colour and asked if I was all right. I admitted that I wasn't. The clot dispersing medication I take upsets my bowels badly from time to time and drains me of energy. I didn't realise it was noticeable to others.

Clare cooked fish for lunch. I had a siesta afterwards, then went for an hour's walk in Llandaff Fields. It was very windy, but it didn't rain again, and I didn't feel so unsteady on my feet as I did earlier in the day. 

Despite peace talks in the Middle Eastern conflict and Trump claiming progress is being made, the reality makes him look foolish, and he faces mounting criticism as the mid term elections draw near. America has disabled a tanker exporting Iranian oil from the Straight of Hormuz. Iran has retaliated with missile and drone strikes on US supporting Gulf States including Kuwait Airport and Bahrain. 

In the past six months or so, news from conflict zones has been dominated by reports about military use of drones. Ukraine has succeeded in containing Russian advances in the Donbass region in a way that has been very costly to Russian casualties and equipment. The use of remote controlled drones to observe and fire on adversaries has advanced remarkably on both sides, benefiting defenders more than attackers. Into the fray now, remote controlled armed vehicles are appearing. The development and use of artificial intelligence in deploying aerial drone swarms is making a significant difference to what can be achieved on the battlefield tactically and strategically. 

Ukraine's ability to hit Moscow targets is dispelling the popular illusion of Russian invincibility. A drone strike on an oil terminal and a warship in St Petersburg last night occurred while an international economic forum opened in the city. A confident message from Ukraine that nowhere under Russian rule is safe. Last winter Ukrainian energy infrastructure and the city of Kyiv were bombarded by Russian and drone attacks at the coldest time of year. Ukraine's capability to hit long range targets, especially oil and munitions production facilities undermines Russia's ability to wage war, draining its resources. Putin's 'special military operation' led to courageous and determined resistance by Ukraine. Not only that, but it led to a surge in technological creativity and military innovation. Ukraine's experience and expertise in drone warfare is now being sought by those coping with conflict in the Middle East.

Israel continues to attack Hezbollah within Lebanese territory it has invaded and occupied. Talks between  the governments of Israel and Lebanon continue, though it's hard to see how progress can be made when Lebanon is fragmented and not strong enough to disarm Hezbollah, when under duress from Israel with Iran backing Hezbollah. The situation is unstable and chaotic to the benefit of Iran with its own expertise in drone warfare capable of wreaking havoc regionally. Despite the American blockade, it's still Iran that effectively controls traffic in the Straight of Hormuz, propagating an economic crisis that is affecting the world, especially poor underdeveloped countries.

Hopefully when a stalemate in conflict is reached that is too costly and unsustainable for all parties, with warmongers and demagogues discredited and support lost, there will be no alternative left to seek peace other than by dialogue and diplomacy. That's a day I pray will arrive soon.

No response

I had a terrible night's sleep. Each time I got up to empty my bladder I began to feel anxious about the hospital appointment I was facing at midday, to wear a blood pressure monitor for a day. It was a stressful uncomfortable experience last time, and I'm not sure what was gained from it anyway.

An email reply from the dental receptionist arrived telling me to phone for an appointment, though the reason I had emailed was because I had tried phoning twice and got no response. It was third time lucky however. I now have a checkup booked in a month's time.

Clare's study group arrived at ten. I was still feeling exhausted, and came to the conclusion that getting myself to UHW and subjecting myself to this procedure would only make me feel worse. I discussed this with group members and decided to call the cardiology unit to say I wasn't feeling well. I tried the two different contact numbers given for the cardiology unit and got no response. I couldn't even leave a message, so I rang the main switchboard and also got no response. I wrote a letter to the consultant explaining what happened and posted it first class mail before lunch. 

My anxiety dissipated and I slept soundly for an hour after eating, though brain fatigue dulled my senses and made me feel a little unsteady on my feet. I have a surgery appointment booked on Thursday this week for a blood test and blood pressure check in any case, a follow up on the mini-crisis in Tenby. In the end, I'm the only person who can protect me from exhaustion and getting over stressed. If it means saying 'No' to a medical system which makes exacting and complex demands on time and energy, and accused of being an uncooperative patient, so be it.

I walked to Thompson's Park, under a sky filled with fast moving clouds driven by a strong wind. Rain was threatened in the forecast but there was none. I counted five moorhen offspring, almost as big as their parents but not fully fledged around the weed strewn big pond. Sadly, I had left my camera at home. I only stayed out for half an hour, as I found the gusts of wind unnerving. When my senses aren't sharp as normal I'm instinctively cautious. Better safe than sorry. I walked again for nearly an hour before supper, hoping to clear my dulled senses with fresh air and exercise. I just wish I could get more rest.

A wet start to Summer

A cool and cloudy start morning with occasional rain showers. I slept quite well, despite pain from my strained right shoulder. Even so, I felt drowsy from the medication until I went out for exercise. After breakfast I started preparing another Morning Prayer and reflection. Then Clare and I went out for a walk around Llandaff Fields together before going to Jason's greengrocers to stock up on essentials. I cooked a spicy veg dish for lunch with cannellini beans, mushrooms, onions and carrots, flavoured with a mild curry paste as an experiment. The carrot added unexpected sweetness to the overall taste. 

I wrote an email to our dental practice receptionist, after failing twice to make contact by phone. I need to book a checkup appointment, to replace the one cancelled when I was in hospital. I hope I get a response, or I'll have to go there by bus and make the booking in person. I wrote to June's friend Elaine to inquire about my sister's health as she's not responding to my messages.

It was drizzling rain when I walked in the park at tea time under my brolly for nearly an hour. Thankfully, no brolly wrecking wind.  It's the first day of meteorological summer. A disappointing start in the light of the brief heat wave we had last week. It's been raining most over the evening.

Israel is occupying more territory in Lebanon in an effort to neutralize Hezbollah, which continues to send drones and missiles across the Israeli border. Ceasefire talks have changed nothing. The Lebanese state is too weak and disunited to disarm Hezbollah, or stand up to Iran which supports and arms what is in effect a state within a state. Israel's latest land grab has led to Iran suspending peace talks with America. Under pressure from Trump Israel and Hezbollah have agreed to stop attacking each other, but how long will this last. Iran threatens to pull out of peace talks, widening the scope of the conflict and completely close the Straight of Hormuz through which select traffic is passing. 

Maintaining this war is proving very costly for America in terms of expensive military hardware losses, estimated at $20 billion, with broader economic losses varying from a hundred billion to a trillion dollars so far. How much longer can America afford to sustain such costly aggression against an enemy capable of enduring much greater hardship, and showing how smart it can be in waging war? Despite American optimism about peace talks, perhaps aimed to keep the price of oil from rising further as much as anything else, Trump's claim to have the upper hand in this conflict, on the basis of its destruction of Iranian military assets so far doesn't seem to match reality. 

Trinity Sunday Baptisms

Bed at eleven up at eight thirty, but nearly three hours of intermittent wakefulness. As Owain is with us I have the opportunity of help to fill in my tax return, provided I can find my P60 income statements. My study is not quite chaotic, but in the throes of being organised. I've simply not felt well enough to harness the mental effort to do it, and get anxious about losing control of my affairs. I think it's part of the reason for losing sleep. I walked briskly to St Catherine's for the Eucharist in an effort to wake myself up. Clare stayed behind with Owain. There was a double baptism during the service this morning, a baby and a child of Junior School age. Quite suitable for a Trinity Sunday. There were only about forty of us, including the baptism family. It's half term week and many families with children are away.

After the service I went to Tesco's to buy some breakfast porridge oats as we ran out yesterday. Clare and Owain had already eaten a snack as they were about to go to St David's Spa for a swim, but left cooked veg and tuna fish for me. After I'd eaten I focused my attention on retrieving and checking the necessary documents for compiling an income statement for the tax man. 

At midday I had a SMS reminder about the blood pressure monitor fitting appointment on Tuesday next. I'm feeling unhappy about this. I found the experience stressful previously, and now even more so, as the sound and sensation of the device working brings back memories of trauma in A&E. I wonder if I should discuss this with one of our GPs?

My aim was to obtain Owain's support to check and file the tax account. With a list of previous income entries for guidance it wasn't difficult, with the exception of finding P60 pension documents from two small CofE diocesan supplementary pension schemes from Bristol and Worcester dioceses where I worked in the eighties. The most recent pair of these had not yet sent their P60, but I was able to track payments from bank statements. 

Owain investigated and found that the management of these funds had been taken over by another company. It may be that the P60s will arrive late due to the takeover, rather than me losing them. I can check another time. At least I had what I needed for my income statement, so that's one less worry. There's no hurry, so I may just wait until the next time Owain comes so he can supervise my filling in the on-line form. This is the measure of how much confidence I've lost about doing financial affairs online, something I used to take in my stride. At five he took his leave of us, and returned to Bristol. It was so good to have his company over the weekend.

Clare made a vegetable soup for supper, with the addition of some leftover pieces of ravioli. An interesting confection. Then I went out for a walk up and down Llandaff Fields as the sun was setting, which cleared my head at last. I heard the Green Woodpecker's eerie call as I turned for home. One of the neighbourhood resident blackbirds sang at dusk, as they do also at first light. Such a calming sound at bed time.