Lactose legacy

Higher cloud cover today. It's not so dull, but damp nevertheless with fine drizzle. I took soya milk kefir yoghourt with porridge oats for breakfast. The difference it made from yesterday when I had a dairy milk kefir version was noticeable. Although I was light headed and not that clear headed or sharp, my head felt  less like a headache was imminent. In addition to the effect of the meds, there's no gall bladder to process milk fats and side effects are noticeable.

After breakfast I set about making a video streaming file to enclose the Lent Book audio made last night, and posted it to WhatsApp. On checking the audio I found several minutes' worth which needed further editing. I also missed a titling error in the audio - 'retrieving Jesus' instead of 'receiving Jesus'.  I had to take down the WhatsApp posting, re-edit and upload the video to YouTube and post it again.

It's a result of being poorly and tired when I was working on the project last night, and my concentration failing. I wasn't successful in making all the changes. The tiredness in my voice was noticeable, stumbling over words, needing to repeat sentences. Not my best effort. A project I felt confident I could do turned out to be more difficult than anticipated. I bit off more than I could chew. There's only so much I can manage after losing sleep. Part of recovery has to be pushing back boundaries to learn my limits of capability. I'm not sure I understand where my limits lie. I'm so used to pushing myself hard when I no longer need to, driven by the need to make myself useful. As if that mattered as  much to other people as it does to me!

I cured the 'File error - disk full' glitch on my Dell laptop, by running its disk cleanup app. I was surprised how long it took. Successive Windows updates leave a trail of redundant temporary files, amounting to gigabytes of space being consumed uselessly.

After supper Clare wanted to watch the film 'Bohemian Rhapsody' live on Film 4, but the lack of a digital aerial for the new TV prevented this. We can only watch streamed content at the moment. So annoying that digital signal reception is so poor where we live. We need a suitable rooftop antenna or a freeview digibox. She watched the film live on the Chromebook, and I watched this week's streamed episode of Astrid on my Windows laptop. 

Miserable

Overcast with occasional showers during the day. but heavy rain after dark. I ate a hot cross bun and had some kefir with porridge oats for breakfast. A lingering sour taste on my tongue plus hours of dyspepsia told me that both were overloaded with cow's milk fats. Without a gall bladder they don't assimilate and upset my stomach. In addition the usual meds left me with 'toxic head' right through the day. I walked in the park morning and afternoon but fresh air failed to clear my head. I wonder if extra unassimilated lactose has added to miserable side effects I react badly to?

I had a phone call from someone organising medical checks for stroke victims, offering an appointment at St David's Hospital for what was described as a 'medical MOT'. This may be something requested by the GP surgery or by the consultant I contacted recently. Hopefully it will result in a proper assessment of the impact on me of the meds that are making me poorly. The downside is that it's an 8.30am appointment.

Tonight I wanted to complete the task of editing together the sections I have recorded of the Lent Book 'Retrieving Jesus' to circulate before the Lent group study of the book begins, but was frustrated by losing half the job already done to a Windows 11 file system crash which corrupted the Audacity file I worked on yesterday. I had to identify each sound byte and reconstruct the introduction sequence, bible quote and text of Chapter One rather than re-record fifty minutes worth of the book. It was far more difficult than I realised, with so many calls on short term memory, and took a couple of hours of muddling through, which made me late for bed, extra tired and frustrated and feeling poorly

The mystery of the miraculous

Blue sky, light cloud and sunshine this morning, a little warmer and no rain. A more cheering start to the day. I posted the YouTube link for Morning Prayer to WhatsApp, then got up, starting to feel light headed as usual after taking the meds.

After breakfast, an interesting programme on Radio Four from writer Matthew Syed in his 'Sideways' series, in which he explores ideas that shape our thinking from a different angle. It was about miracles. He spoke about his evangelical Christian upbringing and the offer of prayer for healing. In his experience of church life this was accompanied by miracles from time to time. He's now a non-believer. He responds to the question of whether miracles are ever compatible with scientific thinking by introducing neuroscientist Joshua Brown who was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour aged thirty, and able to examine with expert eyes evidence from his own brain scans. He made a journey to a series of churches to investigate if the ministry of healing prayer would make any difference to his condition, and if so how. In a way he was unable to explain with his medical expertise, the symptoms disappeared, the tumor stopped growing and then shrank. It was the cure he hoped for but couldn't account for. Prayer was the only thing that made a difference to him, first of all in his sense of well being and trust in the process under way, leaving him with a sense of wonder and gratitude.

Then Syed spoke about the Vatican's medical commission investigating claims of healing thanks to the intercession of saints, one of the evidence criteria in establishing a person's sanctity. The prayer of both living and dead persons is associated with cures without known scientific explanation - miracles in other words. As Pentecostalist theologian Professor Hollenweger used to say in lectures about the miraculous: "All healing comes from God. There is no healing that is not from God. The devil cannot heal, only shift symptoms." 

A healing miracle of any kind is an occurrence that opens our eyes in awe and wonder to the mystery of life and the nature of reality. Whether or not we can describe what happens, or can analyse in detail how it happens, whether or not the timing of a miraculous occurrence is deliberate or random, its timing may be the only thing ultimately beyond explanation, the essence of a divine gift from the One above and beyond all, to whom all time and eternity belongs. When the miraculous confronts us with the mysterious nature of reality. In this way we are challenged to wonder why it happens and why we are its witnesses.

We were seven at the St Catherine's Eucharist. Ann gave me a lift home after coffee. The phone reminded me half an hour too early of a lunchtime acupuncture appointment. Not enough time to eat lunch, so I grabbed a calorific snack, walked to Parkwood clinic and arrived half an hour early. I had a good session with Peter Butcher, and noticed the light headed sensation dispersed after the treatment. I returned home and ate a meal Clare kept warm for me, then recorded and edited next Wednesday's Morning Prayer audio. I went out and walked up and down Llandaff Fields before shopping for food at the Coop, and returned just after sunset. I had enough energy today to walk a full ten kilometres. It's the first time I've walked that far in a month and only the second time this year. I wrote a reflection about Titus and Paul after supper. No wonder I feel tired tonight. 

Error corrected, just in time

A grey drizzly day. It was after midnight when I got to sleep last night. It took me extra time to wind down after recording and editing late in the evening. When I prepared to say Morning Prayer I realised that I'd mistaken the date when preparing this week's prayer video due tomorrow not today. I need to re-record the correct Office before tomorrow, at least the variable sections, and edit them together with the other parts. 

My morning meds had a more pronounced effect than usual. I was sleepy and light headed until I walked in the park for three quarters of an hour. Clare's study group members arrived for their session and I spent the rest of the morning recording the correct Office for Wednesday. A slow process, juggling with half a dozen small audio files and replacing them in the sound track. Surprisingly by the time I had half finished the chore I was alert and clear headed. 

Meanwhile, Clare cooked penne with a veggie sugo for lunch. I walked in the drizzle again for another hour afterwards, and then worked on the audio edit. After supper I revised the video slide show which I made last week. It was trickier than expected, as cloud based file components were slow updating and displaying. Eventually, I uploaded the video to YouTube relieved to have noticed my mistake early enough to rectify rather than having to apologise for the omission. That's enough for today. Time for early bed.

Recording

Overcast with occasional showers this morning. I slept well and didn't wake up until nine. A reminder from Ovo Energy prompted me to renew our household energy tariff for the coming supply contract year. I understand that wholesale energy prices fluctuate, affecting our bills, there's a lot of information to check out. It's quite well presented on the website, though there's an element of ambiguity referring to accepting  the new tariff offer as a 'switch' when it's described as a  'Loyalty' tariff, which in my thinking means no change at all.

I was pleased to have an email from Dr Hughes' secretary acknowledging my message to him. It may be a while before I get to see him, but at least I can be sure of an appointment with him some time soon. 

I went out for a mid morning walk as it helps to dissipate the effect of the meds and my head stays clearer for longer if I do. I cooked lunch while Clare went to town to buy a replacement printer cartridge. Sausages with mushooms abd onion, plus veggies. 

I recorded the first chapter of 'Retrieving Jesus'. It took over an hour. The chapters are dense, lengthy with quotes and anecdotes. Will the finished product serve as an introduction to discussion on the theme of conversion? The text can be read in half the time with space in between to digest the narrative. Will anyone listen in the absence of or preference toca book in hand? Have I bitten off more than I can chew? 

I walked for nearly an hour at sunset. Then after supper continued work on editing the recorded audio. It took me three hours to reduce the file to less than an hour while Clare was out at choir. I hope I haven't overdone it. 

Quiet healing

Rain in the night, lighter showers this morning. I woke up early, and despite not sleeping long enough, felt fairly clear headed, and listened to 'Sunday Worship' on Radio Four before getting up. It was a recorded service of Morning Prayer for Candlemass from St Giles' Parish Church in Wrexham, with Froncysyllte male voice choir contributing several items. It certainly wasn't Choral Matins as we know it, but the parts recited together were clear and coherent. The homily was about the nature of waiting. 

I was slow sorting myself out after breakfast, as I had a shower and washed my hair.  I was annoyed with myself for failing to put my fitbit back on when I got dressed afterwards. It means having to guesstimate when I've had enough exercise for the day. Clare left for church before me, and was waiting for the service to start, and for me to arrive when I caught her up in St Catherine's. On time, just! The brisk walk was refreshing and helped clear away the side effects of the meds.

We were about forty adults and kids. Ordinand Jeremy preached about waiting, starting from an anecdote about the loyalty of pet dogs waiting for their deceased masters to return. Fr Sion apologised for the lack of Lent books ordered for an ecumenical study session,  but not yet supplied. 

The idea crossed my mind, of recording a chapter each week for circulation to people signed up to order the book for the course, as and when it arrives. This would give them an opportunity to prepare the session in advance. I mentioned it to Sion who agreed it would be a useful thing to do. Fortunately Fr Andrew has a copy of the book in question, and agreed to lend it to me, so I can get busy and record a reading of the first session in good time.

After lunch I went to bed and slept for a refreshing hour instead of sleeping in my armchair. Then I went for a walk as far as Sophia Gardens and back along the Taff to Llandaff Fields. The sound of a Song Thrush duetting or competing for attention with a Great Tit was enchanting, I called in to the Padel courts 'Square + Fair' cafe through the side entrance to use a toilet. While I was in a cubicle the external shutters descended noisily without me realising. It was a surreal dreamlike experience. When I came out of the toilet I found myself in a strange darkened corridor with metal walls, and wondered where I was, but didn't panic. I went along the corridor to where light was shining through a glass door. Mercifully it was open, and I entered the cafe, just about to close at sunset. 

I was reminded of the sensation of disorientation I experienced after the stroke, unable to identify where I was in surroundings familiar but unrecognisable. I felt so good about coping without bewilderment that I laughed out loud telling the barista what happened. My brain was reacting at almost normal speed to an unexpected change and I didn't panic! A healing dimension of my stroke recovery seems to be revealing itself quietly - a gift to thank God for indeed.

Before supper Fr Andrew dropped off the promised Lent book: Retrieving Jesus - the way of love, by Bishop Marianne Edgar Budde. Time to set up a laptop with my digital microphone and find out how easy it will be to configure the kit for making a good clear voice recording. This took the rest of the evening until it was time for bed. 

Found before I knew it was lost

When I woke up and looked out of the bedroom window as the sun was emerging behind the rooftops there were strips of orange cloud running east to west along the horizon in an otherwise clear sky. Shepherd's warning. By nine it was raining, overcast under cloud not as low as usual. I took my meds and was relieved that the toxic head reaction was less pronounced that it usually is. Heaven knows why. Maybe drinking a pint of water to start the day is making a difference. If so, why isn't this mentioned in the medication prescription?

Clare cooked pancakes for breakfast while I was getting up but after eating, I fell asleep in my armchair and slept for another hour. Meanwhile, the sky cleared and the sun shone, so I went out for some fresh air and walked for nearly an hour, feeling light headed and slightly unsteady. Clare was eating the lunch she'd cooked when I got back. I hadn't intended to be out for so long. Maybe I was walking slower than usual to cause me to be late. 

Helen, a lady who lives on Llanfair Road whose husband Dave, a regular walker in Llandaff Fields, about the same age as me, tapped on the door and handed me my National Express coach card. She noticed the card, lodged in the frame of the Penhill Road bus shelter, recognised my name and tracked me down. Such a surprise! I hadn't noticed that I'd lost it. The last time I was at the bus shelter was when I caught the bus into town with Clare yesterday. I remember putting my wallet with the TFW free bus pass on the scanner and it responding with an error message, so I had to repeat the scan. This was unexpected and I reopened my wallet to be sure it scanned correctly a second time. 

This must have been the moment when it fell out of the adjacent wallet compartment, as my attention was distracted, though I was half aware of something falling out of the corner of my impaired eye, just not enough to look on the floor below. I don't know who picked it up and lodged it in the bus shelter window frame, only that a neighbour was returning it to me. I might never have discovered how I lost it if she hadn't looked at it and known me. When I examined the wallet, the mouth of the slot where it lives appears to be wider than other slots. Wear and tear I suppose.

A delicious veggie pasta lunch cooked by Clare. I ate so much spinach green tagliatelli, a favourite of mine, that I had no room for the apple pie she baked. With a full stomach I slept for another hour, not because I was tired but because the meds induce drowsiness. When I went shopping afterwards, the light headed and drowsy sensation accompanied me. It was as if I was sleepwalking. I was glad to reach home before sunset, now at five o'clock, and drink a mug of coffee in an effort to wake myself up.

A new episode of 'Astrid - Murders in Paris' appeared overnight for streaming and I watched it as the toxic effect of the meds wore off. The stories are often quite complex, but today's episode was special, when a murder investigation reveals that the victim was assassinated, with French intelligence service and the CIA secretly competing rather than co-operating to cover up a diplomatic scandal. Rafaële and Astrid find themselves 'recruited into games spies play. The plot is complex, but comedic, laugh out loud crime drama, with deep threads of sadness running through the secondary storyline. It's brilliant, unusual and in my opinion, award winning entertainment.

By way of comparison I watched an episode of 'Patience' this evening, the anglicised retelling of 'Astrid - Murders in Paris' starring Ella Maisie Purvis as an autistic archivist who is in real life autistic. She's a fine actor portraying the archivist as shy hesitant, intuitive, less remote than Astrid whose IQ is very high, her memory encyclopaedic and logical reasoning clinically precise. While the stories have a measure of charm and sentiment about them, they aren't humorous or whimsical, a tad earnest, to my mind.

By bed time the worst effects of the medication wore off, in time for an early night and hopefully better sleep.

 Neurodiverse for sure, but with a different set of neurodivergent conditions

Noteworthy improvement

I went to bed at eleven and fell asleep quickly as I was tired and relaxed, but woke up just after midnight with the thought I had not taken the statin to sleep on, as recommended by the GP. I couldn't work out from looking at the content of the 'blister' pack whether I had or not. Days of the week aren't marked on it as they are with many meds on sale. I have to mark them on each aluminium foil 'blister' as a precaution against forgetting to take one. The trouble is, ink from most pens will not deposit on the foil surface,  but it will leave a visible impression, some clearer than others. On this occasion the mark wasn't clear enough to decipher, and I couldn't be sure my memory wasn't playing tricks on me. I could have woken up from a dream about taking night time medication. I gave up inspecting the pack and went back to sleep, and took the statin when I got up instead after five and a half hours' poor sleep. A miserable start to the day, light headed, ill coordinated, slow thinking. 

We took the bus to town after breakfast to buy Clare a new winter coat. First to John Lewis, then M&S, and several other clothes stores. Somehow despite the 'toxic head' I coped with crowds of shoppers and painfully bland incessant upbeat background muzak, processed by sound editing tweaks until it doesn't sound natural but artificial, composed by AI even if it wasn't. 

Five months ago I'd have been overwhelmed by the stimulus of sound, movement and bright light, driven to  flee from the shopping mall in a state near panic. My peripheral vision impairment seems to be reduced as well. What I see is no longer like looking ahead wen entering a tunnel. It too is a notable improvement.

After two hours traipsing around the shops, lunchtime approached. I was worried that I'd start to feel faint as well as light headed, as hunger too over and my blood sugar dropped, so we hunted for a fast food fix, A couple of Greggs sausage rolls for me and a slice of pizza for Clare. We ate, sitting on a stone bench by the City Library on The Hayes, surrounded by pigeons ready to snatch from our hands any food they could reach. Not the most aesthetic of picnicking experiences on damp grey day. We decided to make up for this by dining out nearer home later in the evening. Unable to find any coat Clare wanted to buy, we decided to go home, and try again another day after a preliminary on-line search.

Having not received a response to my letter delivered a week ago to the surgery asking for a referral to the Tom Davies the consultant I saw in December I decided to email directly his appointments secretary with my request for a referral, giving as a reason for doing so, his advice when I last saw him of making a note of the impact for different medications to establish which one was causing me problems, This was my way of reporting back and requesting a second opinion about the appropriateness of taking statins which impair my quality of life, and doing so while my brain function in many ways is improving. We'll see if this gets a response.

At six we walked to Emmanuela's Italian restaurant in Pontcanna Street for supper early. Seafood risotto for Clare and spaghetti bolognese for me. On returning home we listened on BBC Sounds to yesterday's and tonight's missed episodes of 'The Archers'. Perhaps because of tiredness tonight, when I came to write this, my mind was blank and I need to ask Clare what we did this morning. Once she said "Shopping" my memory recall sprang back to life and I spent the rest of the evening writing this blog, before bed. Tonight I have extra reasons to thank God for noteworthy improvements in my condition. I look forward to there being a matching improvement in my medication regime.