Western Europe forests ablaze

I slept a bit better, grateful that Clare took on the task of queuing at eight to get me a GP appointment. It meant I didn't have to worry about waking up early to make the call, but it was an effort to get myself out of the house and down to the surgery on time, as the meds were taking effect, making me feel light headed and woozy. Although I was punctual I had to wait twenty minutes to be seen as a person in need of more urgent attention was ahead of me. The outcome of my appointment, a blood test appointment to check if I've become anaemic due to blood loss. My reaction to beta blockers seems to be expected - exhaustion.

Clare cooked thick swordfish steaks from Ashton's for lunch. They go well with sweet and sour red cabbage. A pleasant surprise. I slept for an hour in my armchair after eating, then went out and re-stocked our fruit supply in the Co-op. Then I slept in the chair again for another hour. Is this all part of recovery from the awful experience I had in A&E?

The sky was overcast for much of the afternoon. When I went out for a breath of fresh air as the sun was setting there was a fine drizzle brought down from the north west by a cooling wind. The contrast between this and the heat trapped in the house by recent hot weather was refreshing. I didn't have the energy to go far. When my head feels trapped in this soporific state, I'm not sure how far I can trust my body to walk and not stumble.

The high wind that has driven disastrous wildfires across western France and Spain has abated enough since yesterday for firefighters to work on making fire breaks to  protect towns and cities within ten miles of the blaze. The air temperature is 40C and the behaviour of flames unpredictable in turbulent hot air.  Three hundred and sixty thousand people have been evacuated, wearing a face mask to protect against smoke pollution is a necessity. The environmental damage to regional agriculture is likely to be serious. It may take months to extinguish forest fires completely. The reality of climate change, denied or ignored for so long is now unavoidable. President Macron speaks of this as the most difficult fire situation to face France since World War Two.

After supper, we watched a fascinating edition of 'Fake or Fortune' - real life detective stories about works of art whose origin and history are doubtful according to experts familiar with the the work of a painter to whom a work is attributed. Scientific research into materials used and historical research into associated documentary evidence is used to make a case for the authenticity of a work. It's always worth watching. Early to bed again tonight.

Reason for gratitude

Another awful night of lost sleep, despite going to bed early. I was light headed and drowsy by the time I'd eaten breakfast, taken my meds  and got to St Catherine's for the Eucharist, fighting the feeling of being unwell, needing the holy normality of receiving the Sacrament at Sunday Mass. A senior churchgoer asked me how I was. I said how I was feeling. "Then why did you come?" I was asked. 

If you don't know why you commit yourself to give God thanks for everything at 'all times and in all places',  There's no answer to that. Feeling well, or feeling in the mood doesn't come into it. Life is hard going at the moment, but it's still to be received with gratitude from God.

Fr Rhys gave us a lift home after church, giving me a moment to update him on my condition. After lunch I went to bed for an hour, not that it did me much good. Shoulder pain kept me awake. Then I walked down to the Half Way and back for some fresh air, but it didn't do anything to clear my head. I went out again after supper and walked around the block for ten minutes. Still no change. I sat in my armchair and dozed some more until it was time to go to bed properly, defeated by this strange mental exhaustion.

Stuck

Last night was less worse than recent ones with three hours awake and seven hours asleep. The soporific effect of today's meds wasn't as pronounced to start with. It wasn't quite as hot and humid and that makes a difference. The nostril wound continues to heal slowly. I suppose the beta blocker med stabilises the blood pressure and reduces blood leakage, but the side effects are troubling, including the heart skipping a beat which hasn't happened quite so noticeably before. My leaky aortic valve is normally quiet and has rarely drawn attention to itself until I started on the latest medication.

America and Iran have paused exchanges of fire in the Straight of Hormuz to make room for diplomatic moves. Oman, with coastline in the Straight and an interest in negotiations about safe passage for maritime traffic, has taken the initiative in discussions about managing sea traffic. Iran laid sea mines in the Straight to assert control over traffic lanes, but with the loss of much of its navy is not in a position to manage them. A tanker attempting transit without Iranian authorisation has been blown up by a mine, but this could have been accidental, as the minefield isn't properly managed. It depends on who is telling the story. The Americans continue to embargo Iranian shipping to put pressure on negotiations. The stalemate continues.

Clare cooked Saturday breakfast pancakes, with the added pleasure of strawberry jam she made yesterday. She left me to cook fish for lunch while she went shopping in town. By the time she returned my head was foggy as is often the case before I've eaten, but it didn't clear up and drowsiness took hold of me and stayed with me all afternoon. I don't know why, and don't know what to do with myself. It really impairs my ability to carry on with routine life. 

I made an effort to concentrate on transcribing a couple of pages of my Ulster travel diary. I began doing this starting from an optical character recognition of a scanned page, but it wasn't accurate enough to be useful. The original typescript version proved more effective to work from. I could have done a text to speech version with the android phone app, but it's totally locked into an American AI boosted version of what it computes you're saying. Annoyingly useless.

I waited until mid afternoon to go out for a short walk and again as the sun was setting, altogether half my usual daily distance. My legs were stiff and I felt as if I was sleep walking. On my way to bed before sunset.

Stench of wildfires

Another poor night's sleep, three hours awake out of nine in bed. Dropping off, then my snores jerking me awake, or my shallow breathing as I start to drift off and waking up panicking from lack of air. Waking up with  my mouth and throat dried out in the heat, due to drifting off breathing with my mouth open. Sheer misery. Clare went shopping in town while I recovered over breakfast. Another inactive morning resting as much as I can, avoiding getting over-heated. 

I cooked trout with blueberries for lunch, a tasty combination with rice, french beans and carrots. I stayed in to avoid the heat after lunch, relaxing quietly and sleeping in my armchair for a couple of hours. It may be the only way I can recover from the over stimulation and exhaustion of the past two weeks.

I stayed indoors until after supper, when it started to cool down, then walked a circuit of Llandaff Fields as the sun reached the horizon. Owain called for a chat while I was walking. He's been to Newcastle and back for a work team meeting today, starting at six this morning. He remarked how badly managed the train catering trolley service was, giving exclusive priority to the few first class customers at that hour.

As I walked, the smell of burning vegetation hung in the air, though there was no sign of smoke in the vicinity. A breeze brought the stench of fire from Blaenafon and Maerdy on the northerly edge of the South Wales coalfield plateau down into the city. France and Spain are suffering from more serious wildfires as a Europe wide heat wave continues to dry out trees and vegetation. Spain has declared a national emergency. Two separate fires have merged into one in the region of Madrid. 80,000 have been forced to evacuate a holiday area at Cap Ferret, west of Bordeaux. Firefighting teams and equipment have been brought in from Scandinavia to help.

Iran has warned of more reprisal attacks on US allies in the Gulf, including UK air bases in Britain and abroad from where American strikes are launched against Iranian military and civilian infrastructure. An Amazon data centre in Bahrain has been attacked by Iran. Last week Ukraine attacked a Russian consumer distribution centre with unsettling consequences for the Russian economy and morale. Iran seems to have borrowed the tactic in resisting the American onslaught. Ships using the Straight of Hormuz and Bab al Mandeb in the Red Sea are still being attacked by Yemeni Houthi forces, which have declared a naval blockade of Saudi Arabia. The Saudis have continued to export oil using land pipelines where they can as a workaround. The Saudi response to the blockade has been to bomb the Yemeni port city of Hodeidah, to protect its own interests. Trump calls the Saudis 'a great ally' though there is no formal alliance in place, just a beneficial trade in American military hardware which the Saudis can well afford to  pay for.

Six thousand seafarers are trapped in these waterways. American military might has so far failed to prevent Iranian backed militias from halting marine traffic. Iran has rejected a cease fire proposal made by Trump, and is preparing to discuss the war with representatives of Russia and China. Where will this lead?

MIxed messages

Another half a night's sleep despite being in bed eleven hours, and woken intermittently either by my bladder or a runny nose. It's only snot looking after the inflamed area around the nostril wound, but the sensation is much the same as bleeding. I fall asleep easily when tired at the beginning of the night, but it's hard to relax any time after I've been awakened by discomforting physical sensations adding to the excess of adrenaline I need to be rid of. Deep breathing is supposed to help. Not so easy if you're half asleep.

I spent most of the morning dozing in bed or in my arm chair, catching up on sleep, with little energy for doing anything else. Clare cooked pasta with prawns for lunch. I didn't notice the passage of time until she rang the dinner bell. We had a visit from a Gas engineer assigned to inspect our assortment of appliances. The day our fridge lost temperature Clare called for an engineer visit, not realising the fridge was working properly, but losing heat due to packaging trapped in the door seal. A visit was booked but then cancelled once we knew the problem was resolved. Unfortunately there was some kind of confusion between the Gas help line and us, which resulted in me getting a series of visit notifications and cancellations at the same time. The engineer was puzzled, as were we. He concluded the visit by reporting he couldn't access the property and sent us a text message to this effect. Sorting out what we do about maintaining household equipment is something that needs our attention. I wish my brain would wake up and function in a way that enables me to focus and retain concentration once more.

It's not quite so hot today, but drought conditions are being declared in parts of Wales and England. I went to the shops for toiletries mid afternoon, but didn't stay out for long, avoiding the heat. I went out again after supper as it began to cool down, hoping to clear my head of drowsiness but without success. I'm not physically tired and my legs aren't stiff today. I just need sleep. Bed before sunset.

Quitting in order to recover

Another dreadful night in which I woke up from a nightmare, and thought I heard Clare shouting in her sleep. The stimulus of this raised my pulse so I took a beta blocker. I slept badly, then posted today's YouTube link to WhatApp at six thirty and couldn't get back to sleep. It's definitely time to stop doing this. The stress of keeping to schedule is too demanding. After breakfast, I emailed Ruth and told her I was going to quit. I shall miss doing this. It's been part of the structure of my daily prayer life for the past six years, and I've gained a lot from doing this, but it's time to leave the production line.

I didn't feel well enough to go with Clare by taxi to Rumney for a hairdo appointment with Chris. I spent the morning in a sleep haze trying to recover. The only thing I did was prepare veggies for cooking lunch, then I went back to bed and did my best to relax and doze until Clare returned by bus. She had to complete meal as I lost focus on the task, having failed to absorb any idea of what the intended protein part of the meal was meant to be. Clare baked a handy small pizza, and opened a tin of mackerel to go with the veg. An element of chaos creeps in when I can't shake off fatigue. 

The nostril wound continues healing slowly. It's sensitive but not too painful, I must be careful not to knock my nose accidentally. It's another 25C humid day with cloud. Relieved that I have no need to be active or concentrate hard on any task. The more I succeed in relaxing, the more stoked up adrenalin can disperse and allow my blood pressure to stabilise.

America and Iran continue to be locked into exchanges of fire, with no progress on peace talks. America continues to threaten and escalate military action in an attempt to force Iran back into negotiations, but there's no credible strategy behind such coercive gestures. America can bomb bridges and desalination plants, but it doesn't win the war for them. It's a situation of stalemate from which neither side benefits. The war has cost America 37.5 billion dollars so far. Trump's popularity suffers from the economic impact of the price of oil. He believes and promotes his war as enjoying public support, whereas 60% of the public polled do not agree. It's even more unpopular than the Vietnam war was fifty years ago.

I stayed in during the heat of the afternoon doing very little apart from dozing in my arm chair and listening to the news. I've never known such a need to sleep. But then I did lose a lot of sleep when I was in A&E. I hope this is part of a natural recovery. Again after supper I dozed off as the sun was setting. I felt that a whole day without fresh air and exercise wouldn't do me any good, so I walked as far as 'The Half Way' pub and back to loosen my leg muscles and joints before getting ready for bed.

Burn-out

Another poor night's sleep, waking up prompted by my bladder as ever, but with a milder sort of adrenalin rush, if that makes sense as if a slow dispersal of pent up energy was occurring. The acupuncture point in the side of my left foot fired off with a surprising sharp pain at one stage, as if a needle had been inserted in it. It's a Xi point associated with kidney function, so something is working to my benefit. But brain fatigue, sleep loss and the impact of medication is hindering me from physical activity today. And it's warm with the occasional puff of cooling wind.

At eight o'clock a delivery of fish from Ashton's arrived. Clare spent an hour before breakfast unpacking and packaging it for freezing. Her study group arrived for a session after breakfast. Fran has a broken wrist in plaster following a long dragged out emergency treatment in which she was in agony and un-dealt with. I tucked myself away in the lounge and made an effort to continue editing audio for Wednesday's Morning Prayer. I've been too ill to complete it well in advance this week. 

It was a slow process as my co-ordination was poor, affecting my use of the mouse. Somehow concentration didn't fail me. I completed the sound edit, made the slide show video and posted the result to YouTube. It felt like working in a fog and it took me until after lunch to achieve the end result. I don't suppose anyone would mind if I didn't do it and just apologised, but it seems important for morale to continue having something to strive for and focus on, however modest. One way or another I think it's time to give up doing this, and reduce the pressure of having a regular creative commitment. I'm finding it too stressful to deliver in the wake of the awful A&E experience,

I paid my TV license on-line this morning. Not difficult, but six months ago, the trauma of losing control of accounts because of unnoticed errors prevented me from doing the most basic things on-line. Re-ordering the chaos of the past seven months of my life remains a work in progress.

We waited until early evening to go out for a walk, as the air began to cool down. We walked up and down Llandaff Fields. It was as much as Clare could cope with. I was tired too, so at sunset, it was time to start getting ready for bed.