My Madeleine moment

I had a good night's sleep, although I woke up for no reason I can think of at first light, and was awake for an hour before dozing off again. Sunshine with clouds driven by wind from the west. My head was clear when I got up but after breakfast and medication, it was as if my brain clouded over. Clare went off to her study group and I stayed in as we expected a lunchtime delivery of a convertible chair bed. It didn't turn up until gone three. I occupied myself with recording and editing a reflection for St John the Baptist's Day, I  cooked lunch with a foggy brain and mis-timed the baked potatoes and the frozen beans. It wasn't my best effort, but not quite a disaster either.

Two men arrived in a large white delivery van and carried several large cardboard boxes in, containing the components of the chair bed. They unpacked it and then had to work out how to assemble it from a sheet of instructions. Then it was a matter of working out the best place to put it in the front room that already contains a smallish three piece suite. The bay window seemed the best place. Book cases and telly needed repositioning. The chair's furnishing fabric is the same as the three piece suite. The shape is different, but the most important thing is that it's comfortable, and there's no problem about converting the chair into a bed that fits in the length of the room. The delivery men worked quietly and did a good job, having driven from Swindon, but they were finished by four with an hour's return drive ahead of them. They even took the cardboard boxes away with them. Tomorrow is our rubbish and recycling collection day. I was relieved not to have to deal with them.

Putting the bins out was my chore for the day. Then I walked to the Coop to buy almond milk. I spotted a discounted pack of doughnuts stuffed with custard and bought them for sentimental reasons. Sixty years ago, the year we graduated and got married, I was a night shift worker in a bakery at the bottom of Ashley Hill in St Paul's Bristol, putting trays of bread into a conveyor belt oven and removing scalding hot at the other end. I didn't get to fry the doughnuts, but injected jam into them when freshly cooked, dip them in sugar and put them in rows on a tray, ready for packaging. When I looked at the custard filled version I ate with a cup of tea, there was a hole in the side of the bun where the injection nozzle had been inserted, only this time to deliver custard not jam, probably in an automated process these days. Such a vivid memory, my equivalent to Proust's 'Madeleine moment'. I also remembered how tired I was at four in the morning, tired enough to fall asleep at the injection machine for long enough to cover the outside of the doughnut with jam, not the inside, and being teased by Italian migrant shift workers from whom I learned a few of their swear words, well before I learned any Italian.

I went out and walked again in Llandaff Fields after supper remembering the night bakery. I recall on one occasion removing a freshly baked loaf from the conveyor belt. It was scalding hot. I couldn't hold it and dashed it to the floor in a fit of temper. One of the Italians reproached me in a half mocking way and said in broken English. "Eeet's no way to treat the body of Christ." I think I may have told him that when I finished University I was going to train to be a priest. The fresh air cleared my head somewhat, though not entirely. It's so frustrating.

Israel launched deadly attacks on the ancient city of Tyre this morning. The UN Secretary General Antonio Gutierrez insists that cease-fires in Iran, Lebanon and Gaza must be respected. Netanyahu's actions are in contempt of cease-fire agreements. nine hundred have been killed in Gaza during the cease-fire. He clearly isn't listening to anyone but the extremists in his own government. Border crossings into Gaza have been closed, no humanitarian aid can be delivered. This makes it even more difficult for America and Iran to complete a peace deal. Retaliation by Iran against Israeli attacks on Lebanon boosts the determination of Iranian hard line military leaders to take more risks and escalate the conflict. Iran still controls the Straight of Hormuz, Bab al Mandeb and the flow of maritime traffic, determined to make users pay for it.

Unfamiliarity in a familiar place

The return of blue sky and sunshine this morning after what felt to me like a cold night of broken sleep. It left me tired and muddle headed, struggling to collect information from bank statements to use on my tax return. Clare cooked salmon and veg for lunch. Afterwards I went to the Kings Road pharmacy to order my next prescription medications in good time, and collected Clare's, which was handed to me confirming her name without needing to be asked. The assistant probably saw us together in the pharmacy before and remembered our names! That's nice.

I set out from there to visit the city centre and managed to miss two 61 buses in succession by walking and standing in between two different bus service stops, aiming to catch the first that arrived. I wasn't at all alert this morning. I went to Santander Bank to ask for a copy of my certificate of taxed interest earned, and was told about a new credit card issue which has no account fee and offers cashback. I'm not a fan of credit cards and would rather do without the one we have, except that using it for on-line purchases does offer a degree of extra security. I'm less of a fan of digital commerce than I was as an early adopter of new technology at the turn of the century. It's the impact mild visual impairment has had on me, that I now find the intense concentration required to deal with numbers on-screen leaves me distrustful of my perception. Despite years of habitual use I feel like I'm in foreign territory. So I do as little as possible unless I can get someone to check what I do. 

It's strange that this doesn't apply in the same way to writing text. I never learned proper touch typing and make typos thanks to my poor level of accuracy. It's always worse when I'm tired and stressed. But writing doesn't make me feel unsure of myself. Maybe correction of typos and spelling errors calls on an area of memory which remains relatively fast, exhaustion permitting,

The experience of  shopping in town is the same. I know where I am and have no problem recognising and remembering places, navigating my way to them but it doesn't change the feeling that I'm in an unfamiliar place. I worked for eight years in the city centre and know the area very well. Memories of experiences of the place return somewhat slowly, but the feeling of being there as if for the first time still prevails. It's an experience I associate with becoming familiar with the streets of a new city when I'm on holiday or living there on locum duty.

I returned home on a 61 bus in time for tea and a slice of lemon cheesecake. Despite necessary care over consuming dairy products, just in case they upset my digestion, I've found that I can enjoy this without consequences. Clare went out to choir practice, and I went out for a walk in Llandaff Fields enjoying the evening sunshine, while listening to 'I'm sorry I haven't a clue' and 'The Archers' on my phone. 

Israel's recent strikes on Lebanon in its war on Hezbollah resulted in Iran firing ballistic missiles at Israel undermining cease fire-talks and threatening further and wider escalation of the conflict. Iran's attacks on Israel have ceased but will resume if Israel continues striking Lebanon. Iran's allies are able to halt traffic in Bab al Mandeb the gateway between the Mediterranean and the Indian Ocean, and the Straight of Hormuz.

Trump called on both sides to stop firing at each other, and return to negotiations, but is anyone listening to him? He was backed by Netanyahu when he started waging war with Iran, and it hasn't worked the way they presumed it would. Trump is openly angry that Netanyahu is waging war in Lebanon without regard for the conflict escalating, or for jeopardizing peace talks between America and Iran. It seems that Pakistan's diplomatic efforts at mediation have made progress. All this could be lost in the volatile and sensitive situation surrounding marine traffic through the Straight of Hormuz. America and Israel have the military power to enforce but not the wisdom and foresight to master a situation in which their adversaries hold essential territory and waterways which cannot be taken from them without making things worse for everyone.

Both Trump and Netanyahu are unpopular because of the impact of the war on their countries they cannot bring to an end, politically or diplomatically at the moment. Iran has survived regime change and is united in determined resistance to Western powers, likewise Hezbollah in Lebanon, both sustained by Shi'a Islamic spirituality. It seems to me that despite Iran's cruel and tyrannical regime, the people's strength and resilience has been underestimated by the West from the start.

Time now for early bed. I wish this would result in a better quality of sleep. I have suffered brain fatigue for most of the day.

Nobody is winning, some are profiting

Another overcast day with occasional drizzle, still feeling tired after an average night's disturbed sleep. We went to the Eucharist at St Catherine's. Sunday Club is back in session so the congregation was back to its usual size with forty adults and a dozen lively children. 

Clare's prosthetic hip joint was giving her pain, as it does when she stands after sitting for a while. The design and positioning of the pews too close together leaves only a narrow gap at floor level. On stepping out of the pew  It's necessary to manoeuvre carefully to get into the aisle without tripping.  I find this difficult, but it's harder for Clare as the required movement proved very painful. She needed support to walk to the altar. Sheila noticed her limping and kindly gave her a lift home. I stayed a little longer then walked back. Clare had started cooking by the time I arrived. I was grateful for this as I wasn't feeling well, lacking in energy. I slept for half an hour after lunch, then walked in Llandaff Fields for an hour. The light rain forecast for this afternoon didn't materialise.

Israel continues to pursue Hezbollah, attacking its strongholds in Southern Lebanon and Beiruit suburbs. No progress has been made on peace talks between Israel and Lebanon. Iran is firing missiles at Israeli targets. Israel's air defences may prevent most drones and missiles from hitting their targets, but air raid warnings are issued by mobile phone urging people to shelter from falling shrapnel as well as from drones and missiles which may get through. Palestinian mobile network SIMs to not receive these warnings only Israeli ones. Gaza and the West Bank are left vulnerable to attacks, whether successful or failed. but not Israeli settlers. Does Iran know or care about the consequences of its retaliations?

Ceasefire talks between America and Iran are still at a stalemate, and no wonder as Iran and America are exchanging fire in the Straight of Hormuz. It's now a hundred days since Trump's vain threats to topple the Iranian regime turned into what is in effect an undeclared war of questionable legality. The regime hasn't fallen and the consequences have been far reaching for the global economy and the whole Middle East. Trump came to power promising Americans "no more forever wars". His inconsistent and unpredictable leadership is delivering the opposite. Nobody is really winning apart from those profiting from armament sales and high unstable oil prices

Bed even earlier tonight to combat accumulated fatigue.

Sluggish system

Overcast with drizzle again this morning. I didn't sleep as well as I hoped I would. Shoulder pain made it difficult to get comfortable and settle. No Saturday breakfast pancakes today, as Clare was focused on her trip with Gail to the Steiner school year end gathering for leaving students. I recorded and edited Morning Prayer and Reflection for two Wednesdays hence as I had the house to myself. I need to plan ahead as I can never be certain how well I'll feel to do this at short notice. It's consolation for not preaching these days and I enjoy preparing and writing Reflections. 

 I made the video slide show and uploaded it to YouTube, then it was lunch time. As I was on my own, and didn't know when Clare was due to return. Assuming she was going to eat at school, I steamed potatoes and cauliflower and opened a can of tuna for an improvised lunch. I fell asleep in my armchair after eating. Later Clare arrived home and cooked herself an omelette. If only I'd known I could have cooked for both of us.

It was dull overcast and windy, when I walked for an hour and a half in Llandaff Fields at tea time. It's not at all like summer. When I checked my distance on the Google Health phone app it forced an elaborate security check on me to establish who I really was, using the Fitbit Versa and new software I didn't ask for and isn't as user friendly was the app it replaced. I've started coming across complaints on-line about the functionality and accuracy of Google Health. It feels more like a work in progress than a reliable asset. 

The security checks convey the impression that Android and Google are insecure about device ownership. The phone unlocks now with either a pin code or face recognition which is irritatingly slow and erratic in action. I've noticed the Android operating system is getting slower as time goes on. Background internet calls to send or receive all kinds of data automatically, essential or not, plus additional reliance on AI, mean an increased volume of data traffic makes demands on processing power and connectivity. The phone runs warmer sometimes and the battery doesn't last as long. No matter how powerful it is, traffic congestion is going to slow the device down.

We had a call from Rachel. Her cat Zeek is sick, maybe dying from toxins in their urban environment. It's upsetting for her, as Zeek is a communicative creature who likes company, except that now he disappears into neighbourhood gardens, and Rachel doesn't know if she'll see him again. She's planning to return to Cardiff to celebrate our diamond wedding in August, despite the uncertainty surrounding flight reliability and costs due to the war.

Middle Eastern peace talks seem to be getting nowhere. America attacks Iranian vessels blockaded in the Straight of Hormuz, and Iran launches missile and drones at US bases in Bahrain and Kuwait. Trump is facing increasing opposition to his policies. In the House of Representatives some Republicans joined the Democrats in passing a measure that seeks to halt moves by Trump to take further military action in Iran. It puts pressure on the Trump administration to find an end to the war, as US economic damage becomes more evident with rising prices. Trump's White House ballroom vanity project spending is likely to be obstructed by Congress, another sign of disapproval. A poor result for Republicans in mid-term elections could put even more pressure on him to change policy or lose support completely.

In the light of recent successful drone strikes on facilities in the St Petersburg area, Ukraine's President Zelenskyy has called on Putin to engage with him in talks. Putin has dismissed the invitation, but it may be seen as an embarrassment, implying that Putin's war hasn't achieved subjugation of Ukraine, despite the loss of life and cost to the Russian economy. Ukraine is demonstrating its ability to hit long range targets and inflict strategic damage to the Russian economy, as well as striking Moscow, something that's bound to unsettle Putin's loyal supporters. Each day I wake up wondering what's going to happen next. I hope and pray these foolish tyrants realise it's not in their best interests to continue waging war and consider an exit strategy from their futile acts of aggression. 

One small step

An overcast day with occasional rain showers. Another good night's sleep - two in a row! Admittedly I did feel sleepy for much of the morning, but not as poorly as I have done often in past months. After breakfast I made the Morning Prayer video slide-show and posted it to YouTube. Clare went out and I cooked pasta with the veggie chick pea dish for lunch when she returned. I slept soundly for another three quarters of an hour after we'd eaten. When I woke up an email invoice arrived from Dwr Cymru. My head was clear and my focus was sharp. I set about paying the bill online immediately and completed the process with neither hesitation nor apprehension. After the stroke with its associated trauma, I lost confidence in my ability to make digital transactions. This is the first occasion for me not to feel anxious or nervous about doing this. Kudos to Dwr Cymru for producing a clear user friendly website to facilitate this small step in recovery!

After supper Clare and I watched a BBC documentary about the foundation of the world's greatest science teamwork project, the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in the Pays de Gex. As Chaplain at Holy Trinity in Geneva I ministered to a congregation, many of whom worked at CERN most of their adult lives. What a privilege that was! I remember a guided tour of the installation when it was still a work in progress, but didn't recognise anyone in news footage showing some of the world's top scientists celebrating the finding for the Higgs Boson back in the day.

I spent the rest of the evening writing a biblical reflection to go with Morning Prayer in two weeks time and then it was already time for bed.

Check-up

The sky is filled with clouds on the move again today, with occasional glimpses of sunshine and the threat of rain. I slept quite well, despite irritation of my bladder and bowels robbing me of rest, leading to diarrhea and a miserable start to the day yet again. It's not due to a bug but to the impact of clot dispersal drugs on my digestive system. It's always worse if my diet has been protein rich. Heaven knows why.

After breakfast I went to the GP surgery for blood and blood pressure tests and a urine sample as well. I'm losing so much fluid at night, despite drinking a pint of water to compensate, my veins aren't easy for the phlebotomist to access and it took two separate attempts to draw blood. My blood pressure is very high. It's not surprising given the shock my digestive system is subjected to. My senses are dulled, thinking and reactions are lethargic. To recover, I have to rest though I'm not really tired, but feeling incoherent. Clare cooked lunch, and after more rest I made an effort to walk in Llandaff Fields for over an hour. There was a strong wind again. It cleared my head somewhat and boosted my energy. 

When I arrived home, Clare was out having an acupuncture and massage treatment. Her repaired hip joint is painful, and cause for concern. Why this should be happening has yet to be diagnosed. My concentration was good enough to record and edit the audio for next week's Morning Prayer. 

I spent the evening watching a couple of episodes of 'Les Invisibles', the French crimmie set in Lille. The series is about a team of detectives that focuses on identifying murder victims about whom nothing is known. The predominant accent of the characters is that of north eastern France, and is less familiar than the accents of the Midi, Paris or the Alps often heard in TV dramas, glimpsing the sub-titles to check what saw said was more necessary than usual.

Creative defence

I woke up at half past eight  to the sound of hammering and the whine of an electric screwdriver from the loft conversion work next door but one. Then the sound of torrential rain, which sounded like someone was spraying the bedroom window. I had a good night's sleep despite the usual disruptions nevertheless, but I didn't feel much benefit from it. When I was preparing to post today's Morning Prayer YouTube link to the Parish WhatsApp group, I noticed a typo in the title. I couldn't figure out how to edit this on my phone, so I got up and corrected it on my Chromebook before posting.

Despite the sun shining through the clouds, there was a drizzle of rain when I walked to St Catherine's for the Eucharist, and a downpour when I set out for home afterwards. There were eight of us this morning. Jean spotted that my face was drained of colour and asked if I was all right. I admitted that I wasn't. The clot dispersing medication I take upsets my bowels badly from time to time and drains me of energy. I didn't realise it was noticeable to others.

Clare cooked fish for lunch. I had a siesta afterwards, then went for an hour's walk in Llandaff Fields. It was very windy, but it didn't rain again, and I didn't feel so unsteady on my feet as I did earlier in the day. 

Despite peace talks in the Middle Eastern conflict and Trump claiming progress is being made, the reality makes him look foolish, and he faces mounting criticism as the mid term elections draw near. America has disabled a tanker exporting Iranian oil from the Straight of Hormuz. Iran has retaliated with missile and drone strikes on US supporting Gulf States including Kuwait Airport and Bahrain. 

In the past six months or so, news from conflict zones has been dominated by reports about military use of drones. Ukraine has succeeded in containing Russian advances in the Donbass region in a way that has been very costly to Russian casualties and equipment. The use of remote controlled drones to observe and fire on adversaries has advanced remarkably on both sides, benefiting defenders more than attackers. Into the fray now, remote controlled armed vehicles are appearing. The development and use of artificial intelligence in deploying aerial drone swarms is making a significant difference to what can be achieved on the battlefield tactically and strategically. 

Ukraine's ability to hit Moscow targets is dispelling the popular illusion of Russian invincibility. A drone strike on an oil terminal and a warship in St Petersburg last night occurred while an international economic forum opened in the city. A confident message from Ukraine that nowhere under Russian rule is safe. Last winter Ukrainian energy infrastructure and the city of Kyiv were bombarded by Russian and drone attacks at the coldest time of year. Ukraine's capability to hit long range targets, especially oil and munitions production facilities undermines Russia's ability to wage war, draining its resources. Putin's 'special military operation' led to courageous and determined resistance by Ukraine. Not only that, but it led to a surge in technological creativity and military innovation. Ukraine's experience and expertise in drone warfare is now being sought by those coping with conflict in the Middle East.

Israel continues to attack Hezbollah within Lebanese territory it has invaded and occupied. Talks between  the governments of Israel and Lebanon continue, though it's hard to see how progress can be made when Lebanon is fragmented and not strong enough to disarm Hezbollah, when under duress from Israel with Iran backing Hezbollah. The situation is unstable and chaotic to the benefit of Iran with its own expertise in drone warfare capable of wreaking havoc regionally. Despite the American blockade, it's still Iran that effectively controls traffic in the Straight of Hormuz, propagating an economic crisis that is affecting the world, especially poor underdeveloped countries.

Hopefully when a stalemate in conflict is reached that is too costly and unsustainable for all parties, with warmongers and demagogues discredited and support lost, there will be no alternative left to seek peace other than by dialogue and diplomacy. That's a day I pray will arrive soon.