MIxed messages

Another half a night's sleep despite being in bed eleven hours, and woken intermittently either by my bladder or a runny nose. It's only snot looking after the inflamed area around the nostril wound, but the sensation is much the same as bleeding. I fall asleep easily when tired at the beginning of the night, but it's hard to relax any time after I've been awakened by discomforting physical sensations adding to the excess of adrenaline I need to be rid of. Deep breathing is supposed to help. Not so easy if you're half asleep.

I spent most of the morning dozing in bed or in my arm chair, catching up on sleep, with little energy for doing anything else. Clare cooked pasta with prawns for lunch. I didn't notice the passage of time until she rang the dinner bell. We had a visit from a Gas engineer assigned to inspect our assortment of appliances. The day our fridge lost temperature Clare called for an engineer visit, not realising the fridge was working properly, but losing heat due to packaging trapped in the door seal. A visit was booked but then cancelled once we knew the problem was resolved. Unfortunately there was some kind of confusion between the Gas help line and us, which resulted in me getting a series of visit notifications and cancellations at the same time. The engineer was puzzled, as were we. He concluded the visit by reporting he couldn't access the property and sent us a text message to this effect. Sorting out what we do about maintaining household equipment is something that needs our attention. I wish my brain would wake up and function in a way that enables me to focus and retain concentration once more.

It's not quite so hot today, but drought conditions are being declared in parts of Wales and England. I went to the shops for toiletries mid afternoon, but didn't stay out for long, avoiding the heat. I went out again after supper as it began to cool down, hoping to clear my head of drowsiness but without success. I'm not physically tired and my legs aren't stiff today. I just need sleep. Bed before sunset.

Quitting in order to recover

Another dreadful night in which I woke up from a nightmare, and thought I heard Clare shouting in her sleep. The stimulus of this raised my pulse so I took a beta blocker. I slept badly, then posted today's YouTube link to WhatApp at six thirty and couldn't get back to sleep. It's definitely time to stop doing this. The stress of keeping to schedule is too demanding. After breakfast, I emailed Ruth and told her I was going to quit. I shall miss doing this. It's been part of the structure of my daily prayer life for the past six years, and I've gained a lot from doing this, but it's time to leave the production line.

I didn't feel well enough to go with Clare by taxi to Rumney for a hairdo appointment with Chris. I spent the morning in a sleep haze trying to recover. The only thing I did was prepare veggies for cooking lunch, then I went back to bed and did my best to relax and doze until Clare returned by bus. She had to complete meal as I lost focus on the task, having failed to absorb any idea of what the intended protein part of the meal was meant to be. Clare baked a handy small pizza, and opened a tin of mackerel to go with the veg. An element of chaos creeps in when I can't shake off fatigue. 

The nostril wound continues healing slowly. It's sensitive but not too painful, I must be careful not to knock my nose accidentally. It's another 25C humid day with cloud. Relieved that I have no need to be active or concentrate hard on any task. The more I succeed in relaxing, the more stoked up adrenalin can disperse and allow my blood pressure to stabilise.

America and Iran continue to be locked into exchanges of fire, with no progress on peace talks. America continues to threaten and escalate military action in an attempt to force Iran back into negotiations, but there's no credible strategy behind such coercive gestures. America can bomb bridges and desalination plants, but it doesn't win the war for them. It's a situation of stalemate from which neither side benefits. The war has cost America 37.5 billion dollars so far. Trump's popularity suffers from the economic impact of the price of oil. He believes and promotes his war as enjoying public support, whereas 60% of the public polled do not agree. It's even more unpopular than the Vietnam war was fifty years ago.

I stayed in during the heat of the afternoon doing very little apart from dozing in my arm chair and listening to the news. I've never known such a need to sleep. But then I did lose a lot of sleep when I was in A&E. I hope this is part of a natural recovery. Again after supper I dozed off as the sun was setting. I felt that a whole day without fresh air and exercise wouldn't do me any good, so I walked as far as 'The Half Way' pub and back to loosen my leg muscles and joints before getting ready for bed.

Burn-out

Another poor night's sleep, waking up prompted by my bladder as ever, but with a milder sort of adrenalin rush, if that makes sense as if a slow dispersal of pent up energy was occurring. The acupuncture point in the side of my left foot fired off with a surprising sharp pain at one stage, as if a needle had been inserted in it. It's a Xi point associated with kidney function, so something is working to my benefit. But brain fatigue, sleep loss and the impact of medication is hindering me from physical activity today. And it's warm with the occasional puff of cooling wind.

At eight o'clock a delivery of fish from Ashton's arrived. Clare spent an hour before breakfast unpacking and packaging it for freezing. Her study group arrived for a session after breakfast. Fran has a broken wrist in plaster following a long dragged out emergency treatment in which she was in agony and un-dealt with. I tucked myself away in the lounge and made an effort to continue editing audio for Wednesday's Morning Prayer. I've been too ill to complete it well in advance this week. 

It was a slow process as my co-ordination was poor, affecting my use of the mouse. Somehow concentration didn't fail me. I completed the sound edit, made the slide show video and posted the result to YouTube. It felt like working in a fog and it took me until after lunch to achieve the end result. I don't suppose anyone would mind if I didn't do it and just apologised, but it seems important for morale to continue having something to strive for and focus on, however modest. One way or another I think it's time to give up doing this, and reduce the pressure of having a regular creative commitment. I'm finding it too stressful to deliver in the wake of the awful A&E experience,

I paid my TV license on-line this morning. Not difficult, but six months ago, the trauma of losing control of accounts because of unnoticed errors prevented me from doing the most basic things on-line. Re-ordering the chaos of the past seven months of my life remains a work in progress.

We waited until early evening to go out for a walk, as the air began to cool down. We walked up and down Llandaff Fields. It was as much as Clare could cope with. I was tired too, so at sunset, it was time to start getting ready for bed.

Trump booed

Taking the beta blocker tablet before bed didn't make any difference to losing half a night's sleep, but I noticed that waking and getting up for a pee felt less stressful and I was quicker falling to sleep again each time. There's no escape from tiredness though, nor from diarrhea. Each of the medications I take has this effect on my bowels. All I can do is rest as much as possible and make sure to drink enough water. 

I woke up early enough to get in the telephone queue for a GP appointment, but my mind wasn't alert enough to work out what I needed to say and why I was calling, so I didn't bother. My nostril wound leaks less blood but stimulates mucus, enough to give me a runny nose. It's unnerving, as the sensation resembles a nose bleed starting which doesn't help me relax and rest. A runny nose cleans, protects and lubricates irritated areas around the wound while it's healing apparently.

Another blue sky day with high cloud, pleasantly warm at 23C. I didn't have much energy to do anything this morning. I arranged for someone else to look after this week's liturgical stand-in duties. I have to admit I'm not well. My head is not clear enough, my concentration is poor. I don't want to make a drama out of a celebration of the Holy Mysteries by making mistakes and losing my way during the service. 

I wrote a letter to the GP surgery asking if there would be follow-up consultation after discharge from A&E. I mentioned the negative impact different medications were having on me, and the difficulty I have waking up in time to book a surgery appointment. Easier to write it down than explain it over the phone.

I cooked rice for lunch with yellow courgettes, onions and mushrooms while Clare fried two chunks of cod. Everything seems to take a long time to do. It's not necessarily that I forget what I'm doing, but that my brain slows to a halt and I need to check what I'm doing.

Ashley phoned this afternoon. He's having trouble with a hernia, and expects to go into the UHW short stay surgical unit to have it repaired. I'm astonished at how long he's having to wait. I shouldn't have any trouble finding him there after my recent experience!

The Americans keep on bombing infrastructure in Iran. Iran retaliates with missiles on US military bases. Ships trying to get through the Straight of Hormuz are being fired upon. Iran's Houthi allies declare they will blockade Bab al Mandab, cutting off an oil transit route between the Arabian Peninsula and the Horn of Africa. This could have further repercussions for the price of oil. It could lead to further escalation by America. The rising number of injuries and deaths of American personnel in the Gulf will add to the unpopularity of this war in the USA. Ironically, Trump was booed by the crowd at a major World Cup football final event, though the war isn't the issue, but rather Trump's intrusion in a refereeing decision during the tournament, considered by some to be 'unfair'. Do football fans realise how unfair Trump's war already is for so many poor countries pushed into recession and famine by the choking of oil supplies?

Gratitude

Warm and cloudy today, 26C. Yet another restless night's sleep, walking early unable to doze. Medication made me feel worse than usual as is often the case. I was meant to take the beta blocker pill, but as it made me feel even sicker yesterday, I didn't take it. 

Last Sunday, I was in hospital, unable to attend Mass and receive the Sacrament. I was determined at all costs, to go to St Catherine's for the Parish Eucharist today, grateful to God for having survived a week which felt life threatening at times. I made sure not to push myself, leaving early before Clare for a change, and not rushing. Fr Rhys celebrated. We had a helpful conversation after the service and he gave me a lift home. Clare cooked pasta and prawns for lunch. 

I slept for more than an hour after we'd eaten, feeling lethargic and drugged. Then I walked up and down Llandaff Fields for an hour, resting at every bench, to make sure I didn't overdo it. I thought my head was a bit clearer so I recorded the next Morning Prayer reflection and office. I wanted to edit the audio there and then, but wasn't able to continue. The stimulus of concentration probably pushed up my blood pressure, and wiped out the positive effect of fresh air and exercise. It made me realise that I'm not well enough to do any duty cover while Sion is away without putting myself at risk so I wrote to him and to Fr Andrew to  explain.

I took the last of the antibiotics this evening, started when my nose was plugged to prevent infection. My stomach and taste buds will benefit from completing the course. The essential clot dispersal medication continues to make life a misery. I'll take the beta blocker as I go to bed to find out what effect this has in reducing the impact of adrenalin generated by concentrating hard, or by being awakened by a full bladder.

Beta Blockers

Another hot night of very poor sleep, disturbed  not only by my bladder but by the need to take sips of water as my mouth dried out and made it hard to swallow. My nostrils aren't as congested now, so it's easier to breathe with my mouth shut - if only my mouth wouldn't fall open when I'm asleep, drying out the saliva in my mouth! The introduction of beta blocking meds curbs the fluctuation in my blood pressure and this helps the nostril wound to stop bleeding and dry out. It leaks blood diluted with saliva which gets paler as the wound slowly dries out. The more I breathe through my nostrils the better. Unfortunately side effects of Beta Blockers are sleepiness dizziness and nausea, leaving me feeling even more unwell than the other drugs that have the same effect. Added to the effect of lost sleep and heat, it was a miserable morning in which I could do very little. I didn't feel well or safe enough on my feet to go out for a walk, but I managed to cook a veggie sugo to to accompany tortellini for lunch,

Thin high cloud today, not quite as hot as yesterday, but still humid. Reports of wildfires coming in from parched uplands in Britain are causing concern over biodiversity loss. Canadian wildfires produce a smoke haze affecting American cities. Trump is using this as an excuse for imposing more trade tariffs on Canada for 'filthy air', ignoring the tangible evidence of global heating due to fossil fuel use. His own 'drill baby drill' political slogan exacerbates the crisis, ignoring the reality facing the world. 

Meanwhile Iran and America exchange military strikes for the seventh night in a row, with Iran attacking US Middle Eastern allies in retaliation, and effectively retaining control of the Straight of Hormuz. Two US servicemen are killed in Iranian strikes on Jordan. Given the unpopularity of this war in the USA this won't go down well with the electorate.

I spent much of the afternoon dozing but went to the Coop for Kefir and bananas at teatime. Examining the change in my pocket the tiny tigers' eye pebble given me by Rachel slipped through my fingers and disappeared into a pile of dried leaves. I felt sad to lose this, symptomatic of drugged state of awareness.

It seems that Beta Blockers suppress the adrenaline response to reduce blood pressure. If only I could have had an acupuncture treatment a few times in hospital instead. Anyway I've been in touch with Peter, and will see him in the coming week.

An interesting programme about Leonardo da Vinci on TV tonight, not that I could share my concentration between watching and writing. I'm just too tired.

Soporific heat

I was horrified when I got into bed last night to see that my ankles were swollen. I felt too ill to go out for a walk yesterday. As it was 30C into the evening, I didn't want to take any risks. The problem with meds I take is they impair my sensory awareness and slow my reactions and heart rate. I might not notice quickly enough that my body is overheating. I instinctively become extra cautious, not wanting to make things worse. My ankles paid the price for languishing all day without exercise. When I woke up in the night no swelling was visible. 

I didn't get enough sleep to recover any of the past week's lost hours, but don't feel as bad as yesterday, but I notice a slow-down in my short term memory. Clare cooked a savoury soy protein dish for lunch with cabbage, sweet potatoes, spuds and butternut squash. By tea time I struggled to recall anything about the meal, until an image of boiled cabbage sprang into my mind's eye. From that I was able to remember the content of the meal. It's disconcerting. Is this pure fatigue or the impact of the new beta blocker meds. 

I slept in snatches after lunch. When I went out for a walk at tea-time, my right ankle was acutely painful to start with. My leg muscles and joints were also painful. I returned home and rested, then went out again. My leg muscles hurt even more, as if I'd pushed too hard when I hadn't. Several days of limited mobility are robbing me of my general fitness at the moment. 

I had a lengthy exchange with my niece Nicky about high blood pressure, and particularly about how ill beta blocking medications make you feel and how upsetting for the stomach many medications can be. She's soon to become a granny for the first time. Time to wish her good health, so she can enjoy it. Rachel called, rehearsing her arrival plans for a fortnight's time. Bob, her ex-father in law, celebrates his 100th birthday the evening she lands and she's been invited.