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A cloudy day, but slightly warmer than previous days. Awake for only an hour and a half out of nine in bed I slept well and my head was fairly clear as a result though my concentration and alertness was variable, making me feel as if I was unstable, even if I wasn't.

Pancakes for breakfast, lovingly cooked by Clare, who was awake well before I got up. For no apparent reason, while I was editing a reflection after breakfast, I dozed off in my armchair and slept for another hour. Yesterday I walked more than my daily step goal. Did it lead to added sleepiness? Clare had cooked lunch by the time I came around. I did the washing up, then walked in Llandaff Fields. It started drizzling after I'd walked for an hour, so I arrived home wet and annoyed that I had to cut short my exercise time. I had another exchange of emails with Roy today about the portrayal of the antichrist in the book of Revelations which he's studying at the moment.

Clare was out shopping when I got back. With the house to myself, I recorded Daily Prayer the week after next. I need to get ahead as we'll be away in Tenby for two weeks, with no guarantee of working internet to use. I edited the audio after supper.

Rachel called and we had a chat about her experimental YouTube song launch. I left comments about the Kintsugi song, and so did Clare. We both found it rather difficult to post comments from the phone app as the user interface isn't friendly. It's too crowded and full of distraction. Not good for anyone with mental fatigue. The laptop version is much easier to use.

By the time the audio edit was finished, it was time to bring this damp day to a conclusion and escape into sleep.

Diabolical

A return to overcast sky and occasional showers today. Despite getting to bed earlier I still lost three hours' sleep out of ten in bed, making it harder to get started. Eventually, I started preparing veg for lunch and realised we were out of carrots, so I went to the Jason's greengrocer's to buy some, and met Clare on her way home from shopping elsewhere. I cooked when I returned. For the first time in ages I hoovered the carpets. I was a bit nervous about using an unwieldy weighty machine, given changes in coordination and variability in muscle flexibility. Although I'm still strong enough, I need to be extra cautious to avoid the risk of over reaching myself and having an accident.

I had an email from Roy in Madrid asked me about John the Seer's letter to the church in Philadelphia in Revelations 6.8 and the idea of the anti-christ in the New Testament. This gave me something interesting to examine and explain, given the current US war with Iran and Trump's behaviour as a war leader.

When I was out walking in the park at tea time, I sat on a bench to listen to Rachel on YouTube, launching a new song, recorded when she was playing to a live audience - a beautiful song immaculately performed and produced called Kintsugi, named after the Japanese art of repairing broken pots using lacquer mixed with powdered gold to highlight rather than hide the damage, revealing the random beauty in the repaired cracks. The song reflects on ageing and how there's beauty in the life of a worn and broken person. Publicising the song launch as widely as possible and soliciting positive responses aims to influence the algorithm that recommends viewing to other YouTubers, boosting popularity and hopefully sales. I hope so. Rachel deserves artistic recognition. She's such an excellent musician and performer.

At supper time, we were nearly out of fresh fruit so I went to the Coop to re-stock the fruit bowl before settling down for the evening.

Lots to think about today. Following anti-semitic attacks on synagogues and in the Golders Green area, a surge of anger and fear is being expressed by Jewish community members. It's understandable given the long history of persecution and intolerance experienced by Jews in 'Christian' countries.

Legislation against hate speech doesn't prevent people from thinking racist thoughts or propagating their ideas and plans on encrypted social media. Sick angry people can easily be motivated to violent actions, alone or conspiring with others. No matter how effective police extremist and anti-terrorist surveillance may be, no matter how alert Jewish security intelligence gathering teams may be, there's an element of randomness about when and where violence may break out and who the perpetrators may be. Freedom, openness, a high degree of social responsibility and participation as British citizens, are vital expressions of Jewish faith and values. A defiant bright light in the long dark shadow cast by Nazi persecution and the Holocaust. It's not just up to the police and security agencies to protect Jews and Jewish community institutions, all citizens of good will must be ready to denounce and resist the toxic rhetoric of extremist racist violence tolerated under the disguise of free speech today. 

An interview with Archbishop Rowan appeared on the 'Unherd' news website in which he reflects on the 'diabolical' nature of contemporary political discourse, taking aim at Trump's contemptuous foul mouthed,  often inaccurate misleading language, aiming to sow chaos and divide people. The word diabolical from the Greek means forcing division. 

In an interview given 30 years ago, Comedian John Cleese speaks about why extremism feels good for all the wrong reasons and is so tempting: it hands you a list of enemies, and a feeling of righteousness to go with it. Suddenly every frustration has a target and every harsh word feels justified. But when we sort the world into heroes and villains we lose something important: the ability to grapple with complex issues. I wonder how far Trump and his associates really understand this? His coercive war strategy is driving the global economy into recession with fertilizer shortages ending up reducing food supplies which will hit poor countries hardest, including America's poor. The Middle East war will only move out of crippling deadlock by diplomatic dialogue and negotiation. Trump's coercive tactics have failed and dangerously so. 

I had a nice chat with Rachel just before bed time, discussing her music promotion campaign. It's too soon for the results to indicate success. It a matter of wait and see, and learn from the experience.

 

Shredding

A beautiful sunny spring day, with a milder breeze today. I had my usual broken night, losing three hours sleep out of ten in bed. I was clear headed when I got up. I blew my nose and a large blood clot came out in the mucus. Later in the morning I had a further brief nose bleed. It's rather upsetting, but inevitable with my blood pressure volatile influenced by stress, still high, clot thinning meds and wounds in my nostrils and nasal cavity which are not well healed. I spent a few hours recovering from the shock. 

Then I tackled a particular chore I've been avoiding for months. I have a thick pile of A4 paper documents containing information about the 289 funerals I've taken since we returned to Wales. Many are annotated with handwritten pastoral details. I retained them in my file cabinet in case I was asked to minister again following another death in the family. I needed to shred them into anonymity, as they're sensitive confidential documents. It took me an hour, and yielded a large green recycling bag. Yesterday's rubbish collection emptied wheelie bins, but fortunately the content of sorted recycling bags is yet to be collected.

Clare went shopping and I cooked veg, rice and fish for lunch. Then, I had a half hour phone conversation from a member of the NHS stroke team, following up on the survey I responded to last week, asking how I was getting on with medication issues and managing everyday tasks in the light of visual impairment and memory coherence. I spoke about losing confidence in dealing with digital details. Cognitive behavioural therapy was suggested. I spoke about my feeling of losing control, echoes of anxiety and panic that are a legacy of the botched attempt to deal with the first catastrophic nose bleed after the stroke. From my experience, I don't think this can be addressed by reason and will power alone. A minor nose bleed can reawaken the same emotions. It left me wondering if I might benefit from hypnotherapy. Then after a short siesta, I walked in Llandaff Fields. All the chestnut trees are magnificent now, in full leaf with their characteristic 'candle' blossoms, lit up by afternoon sunshine. I went out again after supper to enjoy the sky as the evening light changes the colour of small clouds, and completed my daily step quota. I'm tired this evening, so earlier to be for me.

Appointment annoyance

I woke up from a good night's sleep to a clear blue sky, sunshine and strong gusts of wind making trees in leaf move energetically. Thick light blue and purple lilac blossom appeared from a distance like a banner being waved. A delightful sight. I posted today's Morning Prayer YouTube link to WhatsApp after Thought for the Day, then got up for breakfast feeling rather light headed and slow thinking, even before I took my daily doses of medication. It seems so random.

There were nine of us at the St Catherine's Eucharist in honour of St Catherine of Sienna. Unusually, the high altar reredos hosts figures of Catherine of Alexandria Martyr and Catherine of Sienna Doctor of the Church. It paid homage at the time to Catherine Vaughan, wife of the Dean of Llandaff, a benefactor of the church who laid the foundation stone. After coffee and a chat I returned home. Clare had started cooking lunch already and laid the table in the garden. Fortunately the garden is sheltered enough to allow us to watch the trees dance in the breeze.

A letter arrived from the UHW Cardiology department to arrange wearing an ambulatory blood pressure monitor for twenty four hours. The date given is when we're in Tenby on holiday. I called the appointment booking number to re-arrange it six times, The number rang, but  no reply. I was cut off twice, and got an out-of-office automatic response twice again. I returned a copy of the appointment letter with one of my own reporting this, stating when I am not available and asking for an acknowledgment by email or SMS. I don't look forward to wearing one of those devices as they are so disruptive, day and night and stressful to have to wear. It's hard to see how accurate they can be. There are smart watches that can monitor blood pressure. They may not be as accurate, but either way, what are they going to produce except a lot of high readings which will prompt another medic to recommend a pharmaceutical solution which is reduces my quality of life even further.

Most of today my head felt as if I'd been aroused from deep sleep and not yet woken up, my brain slow and dull. Writing the letter and printing it was an effort in being patient with myself. The task was eased by using my Linux workstation, which is very responsive - no latency. Having to wait for the phone or a Windows device to respond can produce lapses in concentration and transient memory, requiring a repeat of the procedure and train of thought in order to make progress. It's so frustrating and tiring.

Enough for today. Straight to bed now.

I went out and posted the letter I'd written after supper and enjoyed a beautiful pleasant sunset walk under a clear sky streaked with clouds shaped by high pressure air producing random gusts of wind at ground level. It was cold, so I stayed out long enough to complete my step quota on arriving home. 

Health check

Overcast this morning, but the sky cleared later in the day. I was grateful for a good night's sleep for a change. Clare's study group arrived at ten. I sat in the lounge, preparing the text  to record for another Morning Prayer, with the sound of lively conversation from the dining room in the background. While I was writing, Clare cooked prawns with rice for lunch. I set out by bus in good time, or so I thought, for my three fifteen hospital appointment at UHW. I didn't get the timing right, however, as the bus from the city centre takes fifty five minutes. 

Rather than being late I took a taxi from Central station. The driver was Iraqi. His accent was familiar. He reminded me of Basma speaking English. We had an enjoyable chat during the journey. Although I arrived in good time at the concourse I made a mistake about my destination clinic, and reached Cardiology Outpatients at the right time, confusing it with General Medicine Outpatients. I ended up ten minutes late as a result, with my blood pressure sky high. I had to wait a while to be seen, allow me to calm down. I'm not good under stress. Navigating my way around the maze of anonymous UHW corridors is something I have difficulty with every time. There are maps of the layout displayed prominently on each floor, but none of them actually tell you unambiguously where you are in the hospital.

I was seen by Consultant Dr Tom Hughes, who had received the report I emailed him, I had to consult the one on my phone to start the report, as he'd not yet found the one printed out for him in my case folder. He was please that the medication review had improved the situation. His colleague did psychometric and simple 'field of vision' tests. Having drawn attention to last Friday's chest muscle spasm and my concern  about a diaphragm hernia, he gave me a physical examination, which gave him no concern. The chest and diaphragm muscles are less painful today, thankfully. He said I'd made an excellent recovery and was in good health, but reiterated Dr O'Neill's opinion that I'd need to have a pacemaker fitted sooner or later. 

As it's based not on physical symptoms but on a electro-cardiogram readings. Are those taken periodically in the past few years consistent with the same anomaly?  I wanted to ask this, but wasn't quick thinking enough. I remember a friend telling me of an ECG reading taken on admission to hospital triggering a crisis alarm, when it turned out that the electrodes weren't positioned correctly. I have another meeting with cardiologist  Dr O'Neill soon. I must remind myself to ask this question about evidence consistency.

If only the way I feel truly reflected my state of health I'd feel reassured by Dr Hughes' opinion. Having said that, I remember Rufus telling me that after his TIA it took nine months for him to feel right in the head again. I suppose the same may also be true for severe concussion sufferers.

I walked towards the bus stop to start the return journey, but as the sun was shining, although I was a bit tired I thought a walk would be more beneficial than rattling around for nearly an house on a bus. I walked to the Gabalfa roundabout and caught a number two bus which dropped me off by Cardiff Met at the top of Llandaff Fields. That way I got some fresh air and didn't overtire myself physically. 

I went out to stretch my legs and walked for twenty minutes under a waxing half moon in a clear sky with Venus also bright and visible. It's cold tonight without clouds, a real breath of fresh air before bed.

Still recovering

Another miserable night's sleep in my new bed. To avoid stress getting out of bed on my still painful right side, Clare  pulled out the bed from the wall, so I could get out on my left side. As the bed was now free standing, the duvet wouldn't stay covering me for long. I've felt unwell for much of the day after so much disturbance. I have an appointment for a review with stroke consultant Dr Tom Davies at UHW tomorrow, and spent much of the morning writing a report to prepare for the meeting and send in advance, to make sure I mention all that's necessary rather than have to talk too much and risk missing out key issues. 

Clare went out shopping and I prepared veg for cooking, but was unsure what Clare planned to have for protein. I phoned her, but she didn't answer. I was distracted by my preoccupation with writing the report, so nothing was cooked by the time she returned, but she improvised a savoury quorn dish for protein and cooked the veg I prepared. After we'd eaten I went back to bed and slept for an hour, Then went out and walked slowly in the park with little energy until it was time for tea and the evening news. Clare went to choir practice. I went out as the sun was setting, walked down to Tesco's and withdrew some cash to pay for a taxi tomorrow, hoping that a bit more low key exercise would clear my sleepy head. 

Recovery from the rib cage muscle spasm is taking its time.  It's been an unwelcome set back. The pain has almost gone, but perhaps because of the shock, I'm reminded of how I felt when first admitted to A&E with the stroke. Thankfully, my heart beat is steady. It's not playing up despite these stressful days and nights.

The military stalemate over control of the Straights of Hormuz has resulted in the extension of the cease-fire, and American peace talks with Iran have produced an offer from Iran to open the Straights and end the war. America's insistence on radical reduction of Iran's enriched uranium stocks, has been deferred until a future date. Russia has supported Iran in the background all along, but now emerges opently in the as a power broker it seems, with a well published meeting between Putin and Iran's Foreign Minister. Trump's choice of negotiators who are not professional diplomats but cronies, whom Trump trusts, has come under criticism. They lack expertise in addressing a range of issues relating to nuclear deals. Heaven help King Charles and Queen Camilla on their American visit this week, given the disrespect Trump has shown for Britain's stance on the war he started, and for the British military. As Colonel in Chief of all our armed forces, this is a difficult and demanding visit for our Sovereign. The media world wide is waiting to see how he handles this awkward encounter on the 250 anniversary of the American declaration of independence. 'O Lord save the King: and mercifully hear us when we call upon thee'

Earlier than May

Cloudy today with occasional sunshine. Overnight news of a failed assassination attempt on Trump at a Press Association banquet in Washington. He tried to shoot his way into the lobby of the banqueting hall where security credentials were to be inspected. It happened in the same Hilton hotel where an attempt was made on the life of Ronald Reagan in 1981. The perpetrator had actually stayed overnight in the hotel beforehand, having travelled by train to Washington from California heavily armed. The story is so crazy it sounds as if it could have been written for a comic book. Trump thinks (or maybe hopes) it is, as he declares a crazy lone actor stopped by brave Secret Service agents putting their lives on the line. With so many reputable journalists witnessing the scene, this cannot be dismissed as fake news, but it's the second time in Trump's regime than an assassination attempt has been made against him. So much of his rhetoric is violent in character, is he becoming a magnet for political violence himself?

I slept fairly well and woke up slowly. I was quite clear headed when I eventually got up for breakfast just before nine. I went on my own to the St Catherine's Eucharist, as Clare decided to attend the afternoon Welsh Eucharist instead. Jeremy our ordinand on placement in the Parish is coming to the end of his stay with us. He worked with the half dozen children of Sunday Club and with them gave a cute presentation on Jesus the Good Shepherd to the forty strong congregation after Communion. One of the congregation's teenage Girl Scouts spoke to the congregation about being chosen to attend the 26th World Jamboree next year in Gdansk. She's raising her own funds to cover the cost and held a little sale during the coffee and chat session that followed. 

The sun was out for long enough for us to have lunch in the garden. Then the sky clouded over, so we did the washing up and siesta'd in our arm chairs until it was time for Clare to leave for church. Then, I walked and Llandaff and Pontcanna Fields, down to the Taff and back. In places where tents and walkways were installed for last week's Urdd rugby tournament, oblong patches of bleached grass  stood out against their rich green grass surroundings. Crows and gulls seemed particularly drawn to these patches, perhaps because of a potential feast of worms or insects surfacing in the absence of sunlight. A curious sight.

Despite my legs taking their time warming up slowly to the task of keeping me on my feet, I walked for an hour and a half and completed my daily step quota which I wasn't able to, the last couple of days when gut spasms laid me low and I needed to do less and recover. There's more early cherry blossom decorating the fringes of footpaths than there is on trees which have burst into the leaf quickly this week. May-trees and starting to blossom and there are other white flowers coming out on the river bank I can't identify. All are early, due to climate change, but lovely to look at and photograph.

In today's London Marathon a couple of runners achieved for the first time the extraordinary feat of completing the course in two hours. It's as significant as the day I remember well when I was a nine year old boy, when Roger Bannister ran the world's first four minute mile.

I spent the evening writing a review of my first six months since the stroke, to send to Consultant Tom Hughes before I see him in the coming week. Rachel called and we had a brief catch-up chat before I had to admit to her that I needed to get to bed.