Messages about messages

Cloudy and damp today. I slept quite well and remained clear headed after waking up and taking my pills with breakfast. My Fitbit sleep tracker reports that I sleep better with fewer interruptions in the first half of the night. Wakefulness in the second half is due to medication induced churning bowels and trapped wind. Winding down and going to bed earlier seems to be worth the effort.

I had a notification from the NHS app when I switched on my phone. On logging in, another notification stated that I would expect to receive a letter by mail from the GP surgery. It was unclear what this is about. A waiting list was mentioned at the top of the notification, but which waiting list? For what purpose?  This assumes I know I'm on a waiting list but doesn't take into account the fact that I may be on several waiting lists for different things at the same time. No matter how smart the communications technology may be, if the message conveyed leaves you guessing it's useless. Another instance of 'Garbage in, garbage out'.

Clare went to her study group in Penarth this morning and I cooked sausages and veg for lunch. She went out again by taxi straight after we'd eaten for a clinic appointment at Llandough. I stayed in to welcome the meditation group she belongs to, meeting chez nous today, double booked accidentally. There were just three of us, sitting in silence together for half an hour with the words 'love wins'. I sat with my eyes open, gaze directed without inquiring or reflecting towards a leather pouffe opposite my armchair, trying to be consciously present in the moment without turning in on myself or dozing off. No insight, no feelings. Few prayerful words. No discussion afterwards. No pasa nada.

After the session I walked in Llandaff Fields for three quarters of an hour. A cold strong blustery wind tried to blow me over. In the last stretch a heavy shower soaked my hat and top jacket, so I didn't go as far as I wanted to and reached home feeling annoyed.

Rachel rang up at supper time. She told us that Jasmine is in Copenhagen, but unfortunately she's unwell, probably 'flu. I hope it's not serious as she's a long way from family support. 

After supper, I completed writing a Reflection on the Morning Prayer passage from Colossians due to be read in a couple of weeks time, then I made an effort to get to bed even earlier, to see if it makes any difference.

Reflecting on stroke recovery

Sunshine in a hazy sky this morning. A poor night's sleep losing three hours out of ten in bed. Fortunately I didn't feel too bad once I got up, and had breakfast with my usual meds.  I felt alert enough to record Easter Morning Prayer for Easter Week, then went out food shopping and cooked lunch when I returned. 

We had a meeting at home after lunch with a couple of workers from the Stroke Association, reviewing the progress of my recovery so far. I told them the story of how I was before the stroke, what had changed as a result of the stroke, what the course of recovery had been like so far, problems with medication, and how this is related to brain fog and fatigue. From their perspective it seems I'm doing well. From my perspective, nothing abnormal was flagged up. The challenging thing was talking coherently to a couple of strangers while feeling light headed. 

My take-away from the conversation was the need for awareness of mental fatigue. It's more subtle than physical tiredness. Being more patient, not driving myself or being hard on myself when I have difficulty in getting things done, is something I need to work on. I find it hard to stop and take a step back when I'm keen or anxious to get something done properly or correctly.

The session lasted an hour and a half. The stimulus of reflecting, thinking things through and talking about them was helpful, and my head was clearer when I walked in Llandaff Fields for three quarters of an hour after we finished. I wonder if poor quality rest and mental fatigue become more evident when my blood pressure medication starts to work. More importantly, what's the best way to mitigate the effect?

News of an arson attack last night on a Jewish voluntary run ambulance service in Golders Green London. Four vehicles were set on fire. At the moment it's being attributed to Iranian agents by Jewish community security officials. Iran is firing missiles at Riyadh, threatening to lay mines throughout the Persian Gulf if its coastline is attacked, further threatening the global economy, already hard hit by the blockage of oil tankers in the Straight of Hormuz. 

With Trump threatening to obliterate Iran's energy infrastructure, Putin has weighed in, expressing concern about the danger of attacking Iran's nuclear power plant. Not much has been said about this in the news. It's interesting that Trump has postponed his ultimatum and now talks of 'constructive negotiations' taking place. What it amounts to in reality remains to be seen. It's hard to know if anything he says is trustworthy. Iran has denounced Trump's pronouncement as 'fake news' aimed at easing the price of oil. He persists in making up plans as he goes along, with no clarity about what the ending of hostilities looks like.

Clare went out to choir practice after supper. While I had the house to myself, with no distractions, I worked on editing the Morning Prayer audio for Easter week, made a video slideshow with it. and uploaded it to YouTube. Being ahead of schedule at this time of year especially means I have no deadlines other than sending a link to the Parish WhatsApp daily prayer thread, and can relax and appreciate the time of year which means most to me in the run-up to my birthday, and maybe succeed in getting to bed earlier regularly.

Coercion

A sunny start to the day, but it didn't last. Clouds took over the sky mid morning. My head was fairly clear when I woke up and the meds didn't affect me quite as badly as they usually do. I went to the Eucharist at  St Catherine's on my own as Clare opted for the Welsh language service this afternoon, after a morning spent preparing a garden bench for re-varnishing.

Trump has issued an ultimatum to Iran, threatening to destroy its power generation infrastructure unless it stops attacking ships in the Straight of Hormuz. Iran has shown that it has long range ballistic missiles and threatens to use more of them in attacking not only cities in the Gulf States but America and Israel's allies in Europe, widening the scope of the conflict. Trump is a leader who attempts to control relationships with individuals and nations by coercion. It doesn't work when others have power and confidence to push back but it creates a tense situation that could easily spin out of control. American propaganda machine videos promote support for the conflict as if it was a video game. It's what's to be expected from a former game show host, with a messiah complex, convinced might is right. General Sir Richard Barrons, former NATO commander and military defence expert, is openly critical of Trump, saying he cannot be trusted to handle this conflict without making things worse. Leaders of European nations are saying openly they don't want  to be drawn into Trump's war. 

Israel joined America's attack on Iran and took initiatives without consulting Trump. Israel's attack on Lebanon, looks like it will turn into invasion with the aim of eliminating Iranian backed Hezbollah, but it's leading to retaliatory missile strikes on Israel from Iran and its allies. On top of killing over a thousand Lebanese and displacing a million, Israeli occupation of Lebanon could provoke unintended reactions and sow unmanageable chaos. How is this going to be brought to an end? 

After lunch and a snooze, I worked on an Easter Week Reflection and recorded it, then walked in Llandaff Fields, somewhat quieter than yesterday, as the weather was dull and cold. I edited the audio after supper, and watched an episode of 'Patience' to finish the day. 

European romance

Yet another lovely day waking up to sunshine and a clear blue sky after a fair night's sleep with a clear head which remained quite clear after taking my meds with our Saturday pancake breakfast. I received a message from Veronica saying she had heard from a local church leader that a new Costa Brava Chaplain has been appointed. It seems my visit to celebrate the Eucharist with the congregation at Madremanya last May was remembered, and that I would be welcome to join the congregation for the licensing of their new pastor. It would be a lovely pretext for another visit, but given the uncertainty about my condition, plus the fast rising cost of travel and insurance it's not a prospect I can envisage. I'll be living off happy memories of ministry on the Costas and my locum photo albums in future. 

I felt sleepy after lunch and slept in bed for half an hour before going for a walk in Llandaff Fields, busy with children playing and family groups enjoying a post-Eid picnic. I found it an effort to sustain a modest pace. I wasn't breathless, my legs felt leaden, but not painfully stiff. I don't know why. It rather spoiled a pleasant hour in the afternoon sun.

Military installations overlooking the Straight of Hormuz have been destroyed by American forces. Iran has retaliated, firing missiles which didn't succeed in hitting their target, the Anglo American base on the Indian Ocean island of Diego Garcia. Britain's military bases are being used by American warplanes as a contribution to the defence of Gulf States, the Straight of Hormuz and UK military bases. 

British resistance to being sucked deeper into a conflict it didn't start and is slipping out of control with far reaching economic consequences, will be made clear by Parliament voting to endorse the government's defensive initiative and its justification. Trump ordered attacks on Iran unilaterally without formally presenting war aims for endorsement by Congress. He has criticised and insulted NATO allies for not following suit. His potential allies are less than willing to trust his judgement because he is unpredictable.

After supper, I watched another feel-good episode of 'Lolita Lobosco', a delightful mix of crime thriller, domestic comedy and romance. The final scene was set on the quayside of Bari's ferry terminal with a huge ship with the 'Piraeus' written on its stern. It awakened the memory of taking a ferry back in 1967 to Piraeus from Brindisi, seventy miles south of Bari after a day and a night's train journey from London to Athens with a pioneering student travel business taking us to a month's backpacking holiday in Greece. The romance of that adventure and the wild beauty of my first rural Mediterranean country was for us a treasured life changing experience, the beginning of my love affair with the rich diversity of European life and culture.

Spring Equinox

Waking up to a sunny spring Equinox morning, what a pleasure! Despite insufficient sleep the impact of the meds wasn't as bad as I feared, even if it did persist all day.

The world continues to reap the whirlwind of economic chaos from Netanyahu and Trump's belligerence towards Iran. The number of allied nations reluctant to respond to Trump's call to arms to take the offensive to keep the Straight of Hormuz open to tanker traffic is notable. Gulf States continue to  suffer bombardment from Iran and its allies. It's not only Trump who capitalises on uncertainty with his threats of assault on his enemies. Iran is waging economic war on western nations with its own brand uncertainty about when and how its retaliatory drone and missile strikes will affect Middle Eastern oil and manufacturing industries and its clients in the wide world.

In church news this morning, the appointment of Rod Green, Archdeacon of Llandaff as Suffragan Bishop of Stepney was announced. The former Bishop June brought him in from the Diocese of London. It will be interesting to see who Bishop Mary appoints as his successor. 

I started preparing the text of an Eastertide edition of Morning Prayer, prior to thinking about a brief reflection on the mystery of the resurrection in 1 Corinthians 15. Then I cooked a lentil, mushroom and courgette dish for our lunch, and dozed in my armchair for an hour after. On my afternoon circuit of Llandaff Fields the aroma of barbecued meat hung in the air near a tent with a banner celebrating Eid al-fitr, with family groups sitting on the grass nearby, and ball games being played by adults and kids. 

In a stand of trees opposite Howells School, the haunting sound of a green woodpecker calling. I could hear when it changed position but couldn't spot where it was, to photograph it. On the way home I called in the Coop and bought a pair of iced cinnamon buns for a teatime treat. After supper I spent the rest of the evening writing long emails to friends. Then I went for a ten minute walk in the dark around the block to clear my head before getting ready for bed.

Hairdo, long overdue

I woke up early on another bright and sunny day. Getting to bed earlier to compensate for losing sleep isn't easy for me, a creature of habit. Kath called and chatted on her way to work. I was clear headed but slow thinking, and took my blood pressure pill with breakfast an hour later, to see what difference it made to everyday light headedness. It was slower to develop this morning and not as intense. A brisk hour's walk in the spring air before lunch to get my circulation going was refreshing. Still a bit light-headed, but I didn't feel any worse. 

After lunch we took a taxi to visit Rumney for hairdo appointments with Chris. His shop front has been rebuilt at last following last year's attack by a local ram raider. It looks very smart and has reinforced steel rods planted in concrete in a row across the shop front to protect it against further aggression. I walked around Parc Tredelerch, while Clare was having her hair trimmed, enjoying the mild weather and the sight of prolific white blossom on hawthorn bushes around the lake. Traditionally known as 'May Blossom' it's March blossom nowadays.

I saw two peacock butterflies in separate places, their vivid colours standing out against the creamy colour of the reed bed. Unfortunately I wasn't quick enough with my camera to take a photo. Then it was my turn for a haircut, the first since my stroke six months ago. Chris kindly drove us home afterwards in rush hour traffic afterwards and I walked for half an hour in Llandaff Fields as the sun was setting before having supper. All afternoon I felt slightly light headed, but this didn't impair my enjoyment of chatting with Chris or the sunny afternoon.

In the news, bombing of military sites in the Straight of Hormuz and the assassination of Iran's security chief has led to more revenge attacks on Gulf States industrial infrastructure. It will raise the price of gas and oil, depressing the global economy even further. In addition to attacking Hezbollah in Lebanon, Israel has attacked Iran's energy production facilities without telling Trump in advance. Is the Netanyahu regime taking a leaf out of Trump's playbook by acting unilaterally? Is it a sign that there are differences between allies about how the war is meant to end, and what it aims to achieve? Escalation of the war seems to be the only outcome.

After supper I watched the last two episodes of 'Gli Indagini de Teresa Battaglia' set in the mountains of North Eastern Italy near the border with Slovenia. I was pleased to find how much of the Italian dialogue I could understand, given that it's fifty years since I learned the language and rarely had the opportunity to use it since - the last time was when I did a locum in Taormina fourteen years ago. Since then I've learned Spanish from scratch, and the similarities of the languages make understanding them both easier. And now bed.

Concentration lapse

I woke up to a clear blue sky and a mild spring day, and posted today's Morning Prayer YouTube link to WhatsApp at seven. Although I slept fairly well, until then, but couldn't get back to sleep. I just don't sleep for long enough to avoid foggy head again, and it gets worse when I take my blood pressure meds. I needed to take an aspirin with my clot dispersal capsule when I got up. The prescription aspirins finished yesterday and there were none left in our medicine box. 

Oddly enough, we have several packets of paracetamol and ibuprofen accumulated from the time when Clare was having a lot of hip joint pain. While I struggled to wake up properly, eat breakfast and get myself going, Clare popped out to the shops, called at the King's Road pharmacy and collected my prescription, bless her. Then I went to the Eucharist at St Catherine's. There were eight of us today.

I returned home and started cooking lunch as Clare was out shopping. Although I received an acupuncture notification on my phone while I was busy cooking, I dismissed it and forgot the appointment altogether. It was only after doing the washing up and sitting down feeling drowsy after eating that I realised, far too late to get there. 

I called Peter immediately to apologise and we re-scheduled for next Wednesday. It's one of those days when my concentration and speed of responses affect my ability to remember coherently and I'm easily distracted. I feel powerless, out of control. Is this the effect of the medication or inadequate sleep, or just mental deterioration? People talk about having good days and bad days in recovery. It seems so random to me. I can't think of anything different I'm doing in my daily routine that could lead to such a change in my alertness and ability to think coherently. I've noticed this state of mind wears off towards the evening. It must be something to do with the meds. 

By the time I went out for an hour's walk at four, my head was starting to clear and my cognitive cohesion returned. In the coppice at the top end of Llandaff Fields, the Merlin Bird app identified seven different birds in the vicinity, one of which was A Great Spotted Woodpecker. Its call was distinctive enough to work out where the bird was on a tree branch above me, and I got a photo of it at the camera's maximum magnification. It wasn't sharp, but a minor achievement given the brain fog. It was such a lovely afternoon to be out walking. I saw neighbour Rob on his crutches near the Penhill Road shops, feeling frustrated at being confined to home, but glad to be outdoors in the mild Spring air.

After supper, I spent the evening relaxing, watching a couple of crimmies. 'Astrid - Murders in Paris' and 'Gli indagini de Teresa Battaglia'. It's the nearest I'll get to going abroad until the random brain fog stops sabotaging my days.