Still recovering

Another miserable night's sleep in my new bed. To avoid stress getting out of bed on my still painful right side, Clare  pulled out the bed from the wall, so I could get out on my left side. As the bed was now free standing, the duvet wouldn't stay covering me for long. I've felt unwell for much of the day after so much disturbance. I have an appointment for a review with stroke consultant Dr Tom Davies at UHW tomorrow, and spent much of the morning writing a report to prepare for the meeting and send in advance, to make sure I mention all that's necessary rather than have to talk too much and risk missing out key issues. 

Clare went out shopping and I prepared veg for cooking, but was unsure what Clare planned to have for protein. I phoned her, but she didn't answer. I was distracted by my preoccupation with writing the report, so nothing was cooked by the time she returned, but she improvised a savoury quorn dish for protein and cooked the veg I prepared. After we'd eaten I went back to bed and slept for an hour, Then went out and walked slowly in the park with little energy until it was time for tea and the evening news. Clare went to choir practice. I went out as the sun was setting, walked down to Tesco's and withdrew some cash to pay for a taxi tomorrow, hoping that a bit more low key exercise would clear my sleepy head. 

Recovery from the rib cage muscle spasm is taking its time.  It's been an unwelcome set back. The pain has almost gone, but perhaps because of the shock, I'm reminded of how I felt when first admitted to A&E with the stroke. Thankfully, my heart beat is steady. It's not playing up despite these stressful days and nights.

The military stalemate over control of the Straights of Hormuz has resulted in the extension of the cease-fire, and American peace talks with Iran have produced an offer from Iran to open the Straights and end the war. America's insistence on radical reduction of Iran's enriched uranium stocks, has been deferred until a future date. Russia has supported Iran in the background all along, but now emerges opently in the as a power broker it seems, with a well published meeting between Putin and Iran's Foreign Minister. Trump's choice of negotiators who are not professional diplomats but cronies, whom Trump trusts, has come under criticism. They lack expertise in addressing a range of issues relating to nuclear deals. Heaven help King Charles and Queen Camilla on their American visit this week, given the disrespect Trump has shown for Britain's stance on the war he started, and for the British military. As Colonel in Chief of all our armed forces, this is a difficult and demanding visit for our Sovereign. The media world wide is waiting to see how he handles this awkward encounter on the 250 anniversary of the American declaration of independence. 'O Lord save the King: and mercifully hear us when we call upon thee'

Earlier than May

Cloudy today with occasional sunshine. Overnight news of a failed assassination attempt on Trump at a Press Association banquet in Washington. He tried to shoot his way into the lobby of the banqueting hall where security credentials were to be inspected. It happened in the same Hilton hotel where an attempt was made on the life of Ronald Reagan in 1981. The perpetrator had actually stayed overnight in the hotel beforehand, having travelled by train to Washington from California heavily armed. The story is so crazy it sounds as if it could have been written for a comic book. Trump thinks (or maybe hopes) it is, as he declares a crazy lone actor stopped by brave Secret Service agents putting their lives on the line. With so many reputable journalists witnessing the scene, this cannot be dismissed as fake news, but it's the second time in Trump's regime than an assassination attempt has been made against him. So much of his rhetoric is violent in character, is he becoming a magnet for political violence himself?

I slept fairly well and woke up slowly. I was quite clear headed when I eventually got up for breakfast just before nine. I went on my own to the St Catherine's Eucharist, as Clare decided to attend the afternoon Welsh Eucharist instead. Jeremy our ordinand on placement in the Parish is coming to the end of his stay with us. He worked with the half dozen children of Sunday Club and with them gave a cute presentation on Jesus the Good Shepherd to the forty strong congregation after Communion. One of the congregation's teenage Girl Scouts spoke to the congregation about being chosen to attend the 26th World Jamboree next year in Gdansk. She's raising her own funds to cover the cost and held a little sale during the coffee and chat session that followed. 

The sun was out for long enough for us to have lunch in the garden. Then the sky clouded over, so we did the washing up and siesta'd in our arm chairs until it was time for Clare to leave for church. Then, I walked and Llandaff and Pontcanna Fields, down to the Taff and back. In places where tents and walkways were installed for last week's Urdd rugby tournament, oblong patches of bleached grass  stood out against their rich green grass surroundings. Crows and gulls seemed particularly drawn to these patches, perhaps because of a potential feast of worms or insects surfacing in the absence of sunlight. A curious sight.

Despite my legs taking their time warming up slowly to the task of keeping me on my feet, I walked for an hour and a half and completed my daily step quota which I wasn't able to, the last couple of days when gut spasms laid me low and I needed to do less and recover. There's more early cherry blossom decorating the fringes of footpaths than there is on trees which have burst into the leaf quickly this week. May-trees and starting to blossom and there are other white flowers coming out on the river bank I can't identify. All are early, due to climate change, but lovely to look at and photograph.

In today's London Marathon a couple of runners achieved for the first time the extraordinary feat of completing the course in two hours. It's as significant as the day I remember well when I was a nine year old boy, when Roger Bannister ran the world's first four minute mile.

I spent the evening writing a review of my first six months since the stroke, to send to Consultant Tom Hughes before I see him in the coming week. Rachel called and we had a brief catch-up chat before I had to admit to her that I needed to get to bed.

Recovering

That must have been the worst night's sleep I've had in years, with muscle spasms causing sharp pain in my stomach every time I moved.  It was exhausting. I slept in the double bed so I could get out of bed on my left side when I needed to pee. It was a nightmare, but I was able to cope without having an accident. by first light pain from the spasm subsided enough to allow me to relax and slip into unconsciousness. I won't be able to do much apart from recovering. Thankfully the rib cage and shoulder spasms eased by the time I got up slowly at eight. it took me the best part of an hour to dress, working around residual stomach muscle pain. Clare cooked our usual Saturday pancake breakfast and the morning sunshine and clear sky lifted my spirits.

I lay low for the rest of the morning, avoiding putting stress on my painfully sore stomach muscles, too tired to think or do much. After lunch I went back to bed for a couple of hours, then went out and walked slowly for over an hour. I fell far short of my daily step quota today. A Red Admiral butterfly rested in a patch of sun on road by the stable and I took a photo of it which was adequate but not very sharp at full lens extension on my Panasonic TZ90. 

I took a slow release dose of ibuprofen at tea time, and this took away most of the discomfort. After supper, I spent time transcribing more of the notes from my Jamaica travel diary. I'm not sure how accurate the timeline is for some entries. I may well have mistaken the dates, unless a few pages are missing. I can only do a few pages at a time on any day. Transcribing I find mentally tiring. Reviewing what I've done so far reveals so many typos and maybe a few missing passages that need relocating in the correct place.

Trump has set out on a course to 'punish' Britain  and Spain for resisting his illegal declaration of war again Iran. His inflated ego is turning him into a dictator, wedded to the idea that might is right, and  'My will be done'. His attention is focused on 'reviewing' the status of the Falkland Islands as a British Dependency, making trouble between the UK and Argentina which continues to claim sovereignty despite defeat in Britain's Falklands invasion in 1982. He also advocates the expulsion of Spain from NATO, with no legal basis for breaking a treaty in force since 1949. "The defence alliance is based on consensus, not run by the United States"  said one senior NATO official yesterday. Undermining NATO unity when he doesn't get his own way makes me wonder if Trump is secretly working for the Russians. 

Ceasefire negotiations between the US and Iran have been extended. American envoys were about to be sent to talks in Islamabad, Pakistan, and then Trump cancelled their visit. Although America has blockaded Iranian ports, select shipping is being let through the Straight of Hormuz by Iran, while others are being attacked. Iran still has control of the Straight, despite being deprived of oil revenue to fund the war. 

It's hard to imagine how sufficient trust can be established between negotiating parties while Trump engages in capricious gestures towards allies and adversaries alike. The hard-line Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps seems intent on imposing its will by repressing its critics, overruling those advocating negotiation and diplomacy. Mixed messages are coming from the government about peace talks. Trump can't resist deriding Iranian 'infighting' and shifting his own bargaining position, sabotaging possible diplomatic initiatives. This is likely to lead to the resumption of hostilities. Neither Iran nor America can afford economic damage. Iran will tough it out, knowing this will add to Trump's deepening unpopularity.

Meanwhile in Lebanon the ceasefire has been extended which means that negotiations between Israel and the Lebanese government continue, while Israel continues to wage war against Hezbollah and the civilian death toll continues to mount. 

Muscle misbehaviour

A woke up at eight to another bright sunny day with a cloudless sky. I slept awkwardly on my right side straining a ligament in my shoulder. In addition, my rib cage muscles and diaphragm hurt as if I'd been crushed by a wrestler. I had fair night's sleep, but it was unfair in terms of the outcome. I transcribed a few more pages of my Jamaica travel diary, promising Clare I'd cook lunch, but was so absorbed in making sense of my own hand writing that she'd returned from shopping before I realised it was nearly one. 

Nevertheless, I got to work on cooking a  savoury dish from scratch with frozen chick peas, while Clare prepared the veggies. We sat down to eat by twenty past. Although my head was clear enough during the morning, I felt tired and sleepy after we'd eaten and dozed uncomfortably in my armchair for half an hour before going out for a walk. I felt stiff and needed to walk slowly stopping at benches around Llandaff Fields to sit for a few minutes to let my limbs recover. I wasn't out of breath thankfully, but feeling light headed and sleepy due to the medication.

The muscular pain in my right shoulder, rib cage and diaphragm worsened. I think I may have had wind trapped in my intestines as well as muscle spasms that made me yelp with pain when moving about. After Clare and Ruth left for an Anthroposophical talk in Bristol at five, I went out for a walk to see if this would relieve the pain, but it didn't. I returned home, rubbed arnica oil into my rib cage, drank chamomile tea and ate oats with kefir for supper, so I wasn't taking my evening capsule on an empty stomach. Drained of energy, I tried to relax and contain the pain until I'd recovered enough to get myself up to bed. 

Demoralised

I woke up to clear blue sky and sunshine, with my head fairly clear.  Kath called while she was driving to work and we chatted for twenty minutes. She's just booked a trip to Denmark to attend a children's theatre conference, part of her Arts Council funded research into work with young children. I told her how mental slowness makes me struggle to retain coherent concentration, affecting my confidence dealing with some on-line tasks though not all, strangely enough. She works with old people, and listens with understanding when I moan, bless her!

I resolved to prepare the documents I need to file my tax return, starting with downloading my CofE P60 pension statement. Clare sat with me while I did this, just for reassurance and to check I did it correctly. So many routine habitual mental tasks I did confidently before the stroke I still remember how to do, but it's as if the chain of actions in any procedure has to be reassembled and made into a routine. Medication that slows my thinking and concentration undermines my ability to do this. It reminds me that I'm not good at being patient with myself. 

Anyway, I accessed the pensions website and retrieved the document without error or confusion.  I delayed taking my blood pressure pill until we had eaten a big pasta lunch, cooked by Clare while I went out for some fresh air in Llandaff Fields. The effect of taking the pill later in the day  wasn't as pronounced as usual, maybe slower to absorb on a full stomach, it persisted for longer, slowing me down mentally and physically.

I walked for another half an hour before supper. My head cleared enough for me to be able to transcribe another day's worth of notes from my Jamaica travel diary. I turned in early for the night demoralised by fatigue, both physical and mental, due to the effect of the meds, and the difficulty I have getting things done, particularly my journals. I long see stories of my travels completed while I still can. Sometimes I wonder if I can get some satisfaction from doing this before my time is up.

War that nobody wins

Bright sunshine and clear sky to wake up to. I posted the YouTube link to WhatsApp for today's Morning Prayer video then got up. The meds really slowed down my thinking and reactions after taking them with breakfast. It wasn't dizziness, and I didn't lost my sense of balance. It was just a disturbing light headed drowsiness. 

Although it's nearly a month of polling day in the Welsh Senedd elections, I thought I'd better deal with my postal vote. This arrived a few days ago. Clare has made hers and has been reminding to do likewise to reduce the risk of losing the envelope. I opened the voting pack, thinking I would recall from last time the procedure involved, but looking at the instructions stopped me in my tracks. My drowsy head was so slow in processing the instructions and acting upon them that I needed to ask Clare's help to complete the task. This is cognitive impairment, whether caused by medication or insufficient sleep.

A walk to church for the Eucharist cleared my head, but not completely. Nobody apart from Fr Sion and I turned up, but we continued as usual. Instead of a homily we discussed the scripture readings for the day. It was a refreshing change. Afterwards we made ourselves coffee in the church hall and chatted until it was time for Sion to leave for the service at St John's.

I returned home and cooked lunch while Clare was out shopping. I didn't feel hungry or slightly faint with low blood sugar, as I sometimes do when preparing lunch. The light headed sensation diminished as we ate. Then, a walk to my acupuncture appointment on Cathedral Road with Peter at two thirty. I think it helped stabilise me. I felt more awake and sharper as I walked home. 

Clare had an appointment with Peter following mine. She was about to leave for it as I arrived home. Ten minutes later, a panicked call from her, walking up and down, unable to identify the clinic. It's not easy as  house numbers are poorly displayed and variable in their visibility. I had the same problem finding it, the first few visits I made there. Parkwood clinic has a big blue panel sign in the garden which you can only see when you're about fifteeen metres from it. Clare didn't have the house number written down, only 'Parkwood Clinic'. My fault, as the sign outside says 'Parkwood Chiropractic Clinic'. I recognised it by the fact that it was big, coloured blue with white lettering. I memorised it imperfectly. Ooops! She arrived  one minute late.

Trump announced an extension of the cease-fire between America and Iran whilst maintaining a blockade of its ports. He says that it might be possible to resume peace talks in the next few days. Meanwhile Iran is attacking and seizing ships in the Straight of Hormuz. Both sides are trying to assert control  by pulling economic levers. It's a a nobody wins situation.

Israel's war against Hezbollah in Lebanon has so far cost 2,300 lives with over a million displaced, homes destroyed and land seized to create a buffer zone with Israel. A cease-fire and peace talks are taking place between Israel and Lebanon, aiming to engage Lebanon in disarming Hezbollah. Meanwhile two UNIFIL soldiers have been killed by Hezbollah fighters. The United Nations Interim Force in Lebanon has served as peace keeper during the cease-fire in the civil war between Christian and Shi'ite militias in Lebanon since the war ended, and Israel withdrew from Lebanon in 1978. Concern is being expressed about rising tension between factions leading to civil war again. All parties distrust, hate and fear each other. Israel is determined to neutralise the threat from Iran backed Hezbollah, regardless of the suffering and death of its Arab neighbours.

Nothing I wanted to watch on telly so I made the Morning Prayer video slide show I started yesterday, uploaded it to YouTube and then went up to bed noticing how brain fatigue slows if not stalls a normally coherent thought process. 

Foolish utterances

A bright but cloudy morning, as the cloud was uneven and not low. Only six hours sleep, not enough for me. Serves me right for not getting to bed early enough. Thankfully my intestines are not as irritated now, but I seem to wake up at first light and am restless, thinking about what I intend to do and what I've not yet succeeded in doing. Low level anxiety is still driving me.

I didn't do much. I just tried to grab some more sleep in my arm chair, but with no success. I gave up in the end and occupied myself with transcribing a few more pages of my Jamaica travel diary. Clare didn't go to her study group, and cooked a veggie pasta dish for lunch instead of me. She went to her meditation group after we'd eaten. I recorded another biblical reflection and Morning Prayer in advance, then walked in Llandaff Fields for an hour. Today's session of the Urdd schools rugby tournament was in full swing over the wall in Pontcanna Fields. Noise from bilingual announcements on the public address system could be heard echoing far and wide, perhaps because quite a strong wind blew from the east this afternoon. I came home stiff and tired for tea, though I don't think I pushed myself all that hard.

Peace talks between America and Iran haven't made significant progress. As the cease-fire period expires. Trump is threatening to resume bombing Iranian bridges and energy production targets. The blockade of  Iranian oil ports has led to the closure of the Straight of Hormuz again. The longer this war goes on, the greater the cost to those who use million dollar missiles, against adversaries who can deploy fifty cheap drones for the same price. At what point does making war become un-affordable for one side or the other? 

Trump's coercive rhetoric leads to oil market price rises and a ripple effect runs through financial markets. Analysts are noticing this is leading to profitable anticipatory moves by market traders and alleging this is evidence of illegal insider trading. While there are bound to be attempts to discredit Trump by his political opponents, I have yet to hear any dismissal of such allegations on the grounds that AI analysis of financial market activity could to predict Trump's utterances and reactions to them to inform traders of most likely investment options. His efforts to keep competitors and adversaries guessing about his next move are now working against him. If only Trump would think before he speaks and say less!

After supper, I did a bit more Jamaica travel diary transcription and edited together the Morning Prayer audio recorded yesterday, then went to bed feeling tired.