Unwelcome birthday news

Cold and cloudy again, and not enough sleep. Although my head was clear and sharp, I wasn't in my best  form. With a cardiology appointment at twenty to two in UHW, I allowed plenty of time to get there by public transport, as I wanted to see how long the outbound journey would take for future planning. I can afford a taxi, but it's good to know how long it takes on a two bus journey, if I don't have time or energy to for the fifty minute walk. My early phone alarm reminded me that I needed to make a sandwich to eat, as I would be travelling there through lunch time. I was lucky to get a bus for the twenty minute ride into town straight away, then a short walk to pick up a number nine outside Wyndham Arcade for the half hour ride to the Heath hospital. I arrived five minutes late at Cardiology reception due to the difficulty of finding the place, tucked away at the far end of the first floor. I was weighed and measured and had my blood pressure taken - high as usual - then after a short wait, I met Consultant Dr O'Neill who told me troubling things. 

My leaky heart valve is getting worse. I may need heart valve surgery at some future date. Plus there's a risk from an electrical blip in the heart rhythm which could cause me to faint, even though I am walking fit, not breathless, and have no pain. He proposed fitting a pacemaker. I'm not happy about either of these options. Whether I do or don't decide to get in the surgical queue when it becomes necessary there's risk either way. Such uncertainty on the eve of my eighty first birthday. 

I've received the blessed gift of a life that has been fulfilling and happy. Whatever time remains to me is uncertain and random. It could be snatched away from me in a brief crisis for all involved. I experienced grief at the thought of leaving my family behind when I had the stroke without knowing if I'd recover. I'm experiencing the same grief now in the light of this unwelcome new knowledge, and I weep. 

I don't think we can live entirely in the moment as if nothing else matters. Who we are, relationships with each other, hold memories of the past and hopes for the future, bound together by love. I'm blessed to have known the love of a family, received and given in all its variety. What am I without those who have come into my life over the years? My wife, daughters, son, foster daughter, grandchildren, nephews and nieces, in-laws, all the generations I knew who came before me, who knew me before I knew myself. So much to give God thanks for, so much love. 

Surprise move

The bright Spring weather didn't last long. It's cloudy today, with a cold strong breeze blowing. I didn't sleep so well. I woke up in the night with pins and needles in my arm as I've been clutching the duvet so tightly around my upper body to exclude cold air. My head seems clearer when I wake up, and the meds aren't having as noticeable an impact on me.

Clare went out shopping, and took my jacket to the cleaners, and I cooked lunch when she returned from shopping. I slept for an hour and a half in my armchair after we'd eaten. Jorja came to clean the house so I went out and walked for an hour wearing my tweed jacket. It insulates me from wind chill better than the one that's in the cleaners. After supper I went out  and walked again, though not for long. As the sun was setting, the temperature dropped with the wind chilling the air down to four degrees centigrade, making me shiver.

Israel's escalation of its assault on Hezbollah has been devastating for Lebanon. More than 200 people were killed in Beirut yesterday, 1,700 since Israel's current offensive began. Iran reckons this aggression violates the cease-fire. The continuation of hostilities by Israel is meeting with widespread condemnation. Netanyhu says Israel will hold direct talks with the Lebanese government, with the aim of disarming Hezbollah, something the Lebanese President already said needs to happen. The Lebanese army hasn't been strong enough to contain or control Iranian backed Hezbollah as a military and political presence in the country, but will this surprise initiative open a path to peace? Israel aims to eliminate Hezbollah's exploitation of Lebanon as a power base. This campaign has been costly and damaging to Lebanese civilians and has prompted more attacks by Iran on Israel. 

Key to de-escalating the conflict is re-opening strategic world trade routes for oil tankers and container ships, through the Straight of Hormuz and Bab al Mandab. Britain and the EU are taking the diplomatic initiative in  negotiations, but no progress yet. Trump's use of coercion and force has only made things worse. It'll be interesting to see how Trump's Republican party fares in forthcoming mid-term elections.

I watched the second part of an episode of 'Arctic Circle' about a religious sect, and was not impressed  A shockingly violent melodramatic tale of horror with an improbable narrative, reminiscent of a Grimm Fairy Tale with wooden actors seemingly indifferent to the violence they witness. It's possible they didn't think much of the story they were supposed to tell.

Truce of sorts

Another glorious sunny day after a good night's sleep. I posted today's YouTube Morning Prayer link to the WhatsApp Parish prayer thread at half past seven and dozed for another hour listening to the news. 

A two week cease-fire between America and Iran has been agreed with Pakistan mediating. The Straight of Hormuz will be re-opened to shipping traffic, easing the energy crisis and reducing the market price of oil. Both sides are claiming this as a victory. Peace talks continue in Islamabad.  Israel's war against Hezbollah in Lebanon continues despite Pakistan stating that the ceasefire covers retaliation against Israel. 

Drone and missile strikes against Gulf States by Iran's Houthi allies also continue. The Houthis could also block Bab al Mandab Straight to traffic adding to economic damage already being caused. Saudi Arabian oil supplies destined for Asian markets have already been affected. Has Trump underestimated the impact of his choice to wage war on poorer countries in particular? It's a confusing and unstable situation prone to further escalation. Britain has taken the lead in negotiations about keeping open the Straight of Hormuz. Despite the fearful battering Iran has taken, it still seems to be a strong position. The regime has not yet collapsed and its leadership is even more hard-line and repressive of its own people. Trump's credibility as a war leader is undermined and his political opponents are questioning his mental health, and whether he should be removed from office, unfit to govern.

A phone call from Ruth forewarned me that she wouldn't be there to prepare the altar at St John's for today's celebration of the Eucharist. I left early for church, furnished with Fr Sion's keys, to open up and do what was required. It's been over a year since I last took a service there, but I hadn't forgotten the necessary routine for getting things ready. My head was clear, and I had no problem with double checking my progress as I often need to, as I'm slow to register what I've just done. Maybe it was easier because I had no distractions while being in church on my own. There were five of us for the service. I improvised the homily and bidding prayers, and don't think I forgot anything or made any mistakes. Pleasing progress on the way to recovery, I reckon.

After a cuppa and a chat, I set off to buy veggies on my way home, but began to experience the un-nerving light headedness symptomatic of low blood sugar, so I went straight home instead to minimise the risk of fainting or an accident. As I was really late home, Clare had already cooked using frozen veggies and fish, which was a relief, as I was able to eat a meal straight away and recover quickly.

I snoozed for an hour then walked in Llandaff Fields, bright with afternoon sun and a cheering warm spring breeze at last. Many trees are heavy with blossom, pink or red, with leaves bursting through from beneath the flowers. Bluebells are out on the grass verge of the Spine Road that leads to the stables. On Sycamore trees, leaves are unfolding quickly now, transforming the landscape with their light green colour. My head seems even clearer, due to the bright light. It enhances my appreciation of a lovely day.

I spent the evening after supper watching episodes of another series of Finnish Crimmie 'Arctic Circle'. As in previous series it spotlights the sectarian nature of Laestedinian Lutheran piety suggesting that it has a sinister side that asks to be woven into the story-line. Rather odd really.

 

View from the moon

Last night I was in bed by eleven. I thought I slept fairly well. Not according to my Fitbit however, which reckoned I was awake three hours overnight. I did wake up early thanks to the sun rising in a cloudless sky but then dozed with the radio on as I often do, until I got up at eight, feeling clear headed rather than light headed. I didn't feel like I'd lost so much sleep. I doubt the accuracy of the gadget. If I wear it tight enough to have firm contact with skin on my wrist, I end up with sores caused by a wrist band that harbours sweat and deposits salty crystals as it dries out. No matter how well I clean it, the acidic accumulation burns my skin. If I don't wear it tight enough, its accuracy is unreliable. It's okayish as a pedometer but the rest of the data it collects is open to question. Its main purpose is to remind me to maintain daily activity even when I don't feel like it. The past six months this has often been the case. I've learned not to push myself too hard, and maintain a gentle regular pace. I haven't noticed until recently how much I've slowed down when I'm out walking.

The Artemis II mission continues calmly without setbacks. After surveying the dark side of the moon, the spacecraft is now on its return journey to earth. News coverage includes exchanges  with Mission Control and interviews with earth bound journalists in English and Canadian French. The astronauts express joy and delight at seeing the beauty of the earth from different angles in its cosmic setting. I'm not sure how it was possible for the crew to view the sun eclipsed by the earth from the Orion capsule. I found photos on the BBC news website showing the sun as a slender crescent with Venus in the Corner of the frame. Amazing. 

Meanwhile, in response to Trump's threat of destruction if the Straight of Hormuz is not opened, Iran has issued its own list of conditions on which a peace deal could be reached in response to his list of demands. Trump's threat to escalate the war by destroying Iran's civilian infrastructure is, of itself, a war crime. Iranians are now organising themselves in human chains across bridges and around key installations that cannot be attacked without slaughtering unarmed civilians. Iran also promises its own escalation of aggression by widening the scope of its attacks on the economies of countries backing America. What an extraordinary contrast, between the harmonious peaceful collaboration scientific explorers and warmongers fighting over control of the earth's energy resources, at the cost of lives and the instability of the global economy.

After breakfast, I worked on a Morning Prayer video slideshow and uploaded it to YouTube, well ahead of schedule, to make sure I don't get distracted by birthday visitors and a couple of up-coming hospital appointments. I try to prepare in order to avoid doing anything under pressure nowadays, as stress is now so much harder to handle. Now the weather is better and working outdoors is much more pleasant, Clare has been busying herself with routine maintenance chores, like renovating and re-varnishing iron framed wooden benches and a table that hosts her geranium flower pots. This morning she started chopping back an overgrown garden hedge that hosts two kinds of honeysuckle. I joined her to wield the shears on the tall sections beyond her reach, standing on a short step ladder, hoping it wouldn't wobble more than I could cope with. I wasn't sure I could. It was a small test of physical confidence that thankfully I came through unscathed. I tend to avoid taking risks nowadays, not wanting to cause trouble for others, but it's important to find out what I can and can't do when needs be, think about what I'm doing and resist acting on impulse.

While Clare tidied up the hedge trimmings I cooked salmon with rice and veg for lunch. Then we went for a walk to the Secret Garden Cafe in Bute Park for a cup of tea. We arrived as it was closing, but were able to get a drink and sit outside in the afternoon sun. A quiet evening after supper, and early to bed to ensure I feel well enough to celebrate the Easter midweek Eucharist at St John's tomorrow morning.

Lethargy

Sunshine and blue sky to wake up to after a much needed good night's sleep, but it was still cold. I spent  the morning writing and reflecting on news about the war in the Middle East, avoiding going out. I cooked a savoury chick pea dish with aubergine, courgette and butternut squash for lunch, and was quite pleased with the result. 

I felt light headed and lethargic after lunch but didn't sleep. I went for a walk in Llandaff Fields before tea. The afternoon sun seemed to warm up the wind enough to make it tolerable, but walking was hard going and slower with leg stiffness I'm convinced is a statin side effect. Or else I'm ageing noticeably faster. I had a chat with neighbour Dave, the same age as me if not older. We stood on sycamore avenue, indifferent to scooters, pedestrians and cyclists passing us on either side. No benches were near enough to propose sitting down. I didn't have enough energy to do more and returned home. 

After supper we watched the live news broadcast from the Artemis II Orion spacecraft as it starts to orbit the moon to survey its dark side.  It's already travelled further from earth than any other crewed spacecraft. It's a landmark moment in twenty first century science with NASA preparing to establish the world's first lunar base. Trump is proposing to reduce government NASA funding presumably on the grounds that commercial space projects will be less expensive in the long run, and more efficient, managed by his super-rich allies. We'll see how it turns out. It seems Pakistan is attempting to engage America in cease-fire talks with Iran. Trump's latest belligerent outbursts and confused messages about opening the Straight of Hormuz by force have produced a stubborn response from Iran. Concern is being expressed about the state of Trump's mental health, has his tantrums and coercive efforts meet with resistance. Israel is being hit hard with retaliatory attacks by missiles and drones following its assaults on Iran and Lebanon. This will erode support for the Netanyahu government.

After a short walk in the dark to complete my daily distance and clear my head, I got ready early for bed.

Easter under the clouds of war

A sunny day despite clouds and cold wind. Despite a good night's sleep, I had a hard time getting going, unable to shake off accumulated tiredness from yesterday. Despite this, my head is clearer and my attention not so blunted by the effect of medication.

I listened to the Sung Eucharist from Canterbury Cathedral on Radio 4 before getting up. Archbishop Sarah preached a fine sermon both pastoral and poetic, around the text 'While it was still dark'. The fact that she called for prayer that the war in the Middle East would come to a speedy and just end made the day's news headlines. Nothing was reported about the actual content of her sermon apart from this. The Cathedral choir sang a Latin Mass setting so full of dissonance it verged on being irritating. The congregation sang hymns half heartedly. No wonder, at eight o'clock in the morning. Pope Leo's 'Urbi et Orbi' address also appealed for an end to the war. It was good to learn about the exchange of greeting messages between Rome and Canterbury. Ecumenical dialogue and co-operation will continue as churches globally learn to live with their differences. A positive example in a conflict ridden world.

Trump continues with bullying rhetoric, now foul mouthed, to threaten the obliteration of Iranian energy and industrial infrastructure unless the Straight of Hormuz is re-opened. Iran promises equally devastating retaliation, which it has already shown it can deliver with far reaching consequences. Trump is being publicly reminded by international legal experts that such actions constitute a war crime. Argument weak shout louder on Trump's part. There is little trust between Iran and America for pursuing peace talks in the light of the US and Israel attacking Iran while negotiations were going on. Rescue of a missing American airman has been a success which will no doubt be dramatized in a movie eventually. It's been a costly success in terms of aircraft losses, but avoids the embarrassment of a hostage crisis.

We attended the St Catherine's Eucharist with a congregation of over eighty adults and children, pleasing to all who have been concerned about a decline in attendance which hasn't fully recovered since the pandemic. There has been a turnover in the local population in the past few years with young families moving into the area, and the welcoming nature of the church's ministry to them suggests attention is being attracted to a well looked after, well presented traditional Parish church.

We had a quiet lunch on our own. The Owain, Kath and Anto are coming next weekend for my birthday, but we had phone conversations with them during the day. Clare baked an apple pie with puff pastry to follow our usual salmon and veg for Sunday lunch. The leftover pastry she filled with custard for a tea time treat. No simnel cake this year.

My afternoon walk in Llandaff Fields was physically hard going, there was no spring in my step and the cold wind didn't help. After supper I watched another episode of 'Blanca'. It's an interesting idea, to have a blind person with highly sensitive hearing and sense of smell participating actively in police investigations, but if the resolution of the story is poorly presented, it lacks plausibility. 

Easter Vigil surprise

How cheering to wake up to bright sunshine and a clear sky, feeling bright and clear after a good night's rest, despite getting to sleep later than intended. After chatting to Rachel before going to bed, I wrote her a long message which could have waited until morning after getting into bed. Serves me right when I know how important is the first hour of rest to sleep quality.

Clare made pancakes for our Saturday breakfast, with the delicious extra of last year's blackberry jelly. She stewed some blueberries as well. The difference in taste between the two dark blue juicy fruits was notable, with the blueberries not possessing the subtle underlying 'woody' flavour of the blackberry.

A letter arrived from the City Council announcing the imposition of parking permits in this street and the neighbouring ones. We'll need a  'guest'  one for occasional visitors. Kath and Anto are the only car owners in the immediate family. We are now car-less. It's not good news for Clare's study group guests. It's £35 a year or £90 for a second permit. 

Will this improve the frequency and reliability of buses? Or prevent trafic congestion? Some households rely on a second car to earn enough to pay the morgage on their over inflated house prices. So relieved I no longer drive as the cost of using and owning a car increases. On a pension that would be another drain on resources.

Iran has shot down two American planes. Not all members of their air crew have been rescued yet. On top of this, two search and rescue helicopters have been shot down as well. It's likely to provoke questions from Trump supporters, and make it tougher for him to continue justifying the war to his right wing populist base, after claiming 'control of the skies', and that the war was 'nearly over.' 

His forty eight hour deadline for Iran to reopen the Straight of Hormuz is about to run out. What will happen to his threat to destroy Iran's energy infrastructure if they don't comply remains to be seen. Iran's air defences are not as degraded as Trump alleges. Dare he risk ordering the use of B52 heavy bombers if there's no certainty that fighter support can operate safely? Not only would further losses be very expensive, they would further demonstrate the foolishness of his rhetoric and his decisions.

Israel continues in its effort to conquer Hezbollah, with South Lebanon and the Bekaa Valley infrastructure and population suffering what is tantamount to war crime. Iran and the Houthis rain down missiles and drones on Israel. It won't do much to improve Netanyahu's political support.

By mid morning the sky clouded over again and the wind from the north west remained cold. I stayed indoors, recorded and edited audio for the daily office and reflection in two weeks time, rather than going out for a walk. I didn't go for a circuit of Llandaff Fields until after a lunch of prawns and veg with rice.

The decision about where to attend the Easter Vigil service occupied me for a while, with services set to start in the dark at seven thirty or eight and lasting up to two hours. I would have preferred St German's but with half to three quarters travel time there and back, it was out of the question. Likewise, going to the Cathedral and back, thirty five minutes walk each way. The Ministry Area service at St David's Caerau at eight, with buses up and down Cowbridge Road East promised to be the least demanding on my energy.

Wind and rain on the way there and back was demanding enough. We were forty adults plus children. A congregation of familiar people from Ministry Area churches in which I have taken services from time to time, plus several new Asian Christian families that have made their home in the area.

When I was welcomed at the door, I was asked if I'd read a lesson and said 'Yes' without thinking. Other than when I said Wednesday's Mass over two months ago, I haven't  been asked to read at a service for over a year. First I had to read through the text several times. It was in an unfamiliar translation with a few contentious turns of phrase to get used to. I had to read by candle light, but despite visual impairment, so  often a problem in low light, I read with confidence and vigour, just one little stumble when my memory tried to override direct text to speech! I felt greatly blessed to read Paul on the mystery of the Resurrection in the light of my recovery journey and without nervousness. I just had to laugh, being teased by the Spirit, landing me in a familiar exposed role, sustaining my confidence and concentration. A real gift!

The service ended at twenty to ten. I felt too tired to stay for the festivity that followed, and returned home by bus and walking home from the old Canton Police station stop. I got in at ten past ten, and went straight to bed, grateful that I was able to participate in and contribute to the proclamation of Christ's resurrection one more time.