Tragedy on the Assumption

Overcast and muggy this morning. I slept fairly well and woke up in time for an interesting reflection on the Feast of the Assumption on 'Thought for the Day'. In passing, Catherine Pepinster spoke about Pope Pius XI issuing an encyclical in German in 1937 publicly criticising nazism and condemning the  Kristallnacht pogrom in 1938. His successor Pius XII chose not to be outspoken but reticent, perhaps to avoid full scale persecution of the church. He used Vatican diplomatic networks to facilitate the rescue of Jews from the nazis, and he passed intelligence to the Allies on German military plans, and plots to depose Hitler. Both men in different ways expressed abhorrence for anti-semitism, acknowledging that Jesus was born of a Jewish mother, honoured after her death as 'Queen of Heaven' among all the saints.

Today's news reported the death by suicide of Jason Arday a young black autistic Cambridge professor of Sociology whose story of emerging from a childhood with severe learning difficulties into a brilliant scholar made him a celebrity. He was then criticised for plagiarism by other scholars and investigated, leading him to resign his post and take his own life. He had been in contact with colleague and friend Sir Simon Baron-Cohen, director of the Autism Research Centre at Cambridge, who knew and understood his situation and offered him support, exchanging messages on WhatsApp just before he died. In an interview on the BBC 'Today' programme Sir Simon spoke of Jason's vulnerability and asked what measures were in effect for safeguarding a vulnerable autistic man. Hostile criticism on social media from fellow academics, amplified by an avalanche of press reports helped create an intolerable situation for him, ending in tragedy. 

Yet again, another high status trusted public institution has questions to answer about its safeguarding policies. It's not just the church that gets  it wrong and struggles to deal with issues of concern in a society where competitive success and status is valued more than collaboration, mutual support and compassion.

The sky cleared and the sun shone as we walked to the Secret Garden Cafe in Bute Park for lunch. I had a disappointing ham and salad sandwich in a large seeded bun whose dough was so rubbery I needed a knife and fork to cut it open, let alone bite into. Impossible to do without ejecting the salad content. And it was garnished with salad cream rather than mayonnaise!

Clare called at Jason's greengrocer's on our way home, I stopped outside to wait for her by the Hot Pantry Bakery. One of the shop workers was putting unsold fresh bread and custard slices on a table outside for passers-by to take for free, as the shop was closing. She noticed me standing waiting nearby and to my surprise offered me a loaf and a couple of custard slices in a box. An unexpected tea time treat!

I needed the exercise, but the medication made my head swim, and this made walking an effort. It felt like an out-of-body experience. I went to bed exhausted and slept for an hour when we got home. I watched some of the Mass of the Assumption live streamed from St David's Metropolitan Cathedral, having been unable to find the site and logging in late. The stream was jerky and slow, buffering a lot, perhaps due to high demand. After supper I walked around the block to get some fresh air in a vain effort to clear my head. Is it just the drugs, or did my last stressful experience of A&E impede my stroke recovery in some unconsidered way?

Appreciation

A thin layer of high cloud to start the day with, warm and muggy, but not as hot as yesterday. A good night's sleep, nearly eight hours, though I still felt sleepy after breakfast due to the meds taking effect. When I woke up this morning I found myself remembering and appreciating people in times past. After breakfast I wrote an email to my friend Valdo in Aigle Switzerland. We met in Geneva thirty three years ago when he was pastor of the Parish of Bossey and Chaplain to the WCC's Ecumenical Institute. We visited Taize together skied in the Jura together, and shared an enthusiasm for tech' innovation. I felt that I wanted to thank him for being a good friend, interpreting Swiss protestant society and culture for me as we made our home in a world so different and yet so similar to mine. Although our church communities were so different pastoral life and being a pastor give us far more in common than I realised.

A thick envelope arrived from British Gas Home Care this morning with information about the services it alleges we signed up for when our fridge went through a temperature crisis last month. Clare had a talk with a tele-salesman enquiring about the service and wasn't aware of engaging in a contract as a result of the call, but it was a morning of confusion and misunderstandings with no opportunity to review the process. We unintentionally committed to a monthly direct debit of £30.35 to pay for household equipment maintenance which we don't need and are reluctant to afford. I don't know how this could happen without authorization and am very bothered about it, however well intentioned it aims to be for older people. It presumes to add this amount to our monthly gas bill, which debits our account for a similar sum for energy. Clare called British Gas Home Care and cancelled the contract, and was charged a cancellation fee of over thirty quid.

I cooked savoury chick peas and rice for our lunch. Whan I was rsting afterwards I had a phone reminder to collect my next batch of medication from the pharmacy. Then we went into town to visit Santander Bank to cancel the direct debit, but were told that the first direct debit has to go through before the cancellation can take effect, so we have to return to the bank later and check with the bank at the end of the month that the direct debit has been cancelled. I failed to grasp the nature of what is in effect an extra household 'insurance'. Drug induced slow down of my mental faculties makes it much more difficult to retain complex detail and stay in control of my affairs. Fortunately this hasn't happened to Clare, apart from memory loss. It's distressing in any case.

Before returning home, we had a drink in the John Lewis top floor cafe, where I reminisced about the days when the city centre was redeveloped and I attended the topping out and opening ceremonies for the building in which sipped our drinks. What a privilege it was to be a pastor in the city centre and witness the transformation of the heart of the city between 2006 and 2009!

We had a call from Rachel telling us about the new apartment in Cornville she's about to move into, sending us photos and a little video of her home to be. The landscape is greener, not arid, and it's cooler. While we chatted, a fire alert sounded on our phones, intervening in the call. The message was first issued in Welsh and rendered into digital speech pronounced in the most horrible anglicised Welsh. An utter disgrace. I hope there's a torrent of complaints from the public. It was as bad as satnav Welsh. No excuse for this. Or is it revealing the limits of what AI can do in the real world?

After supper, as the sun was setting, I walked up and down Llandaff Fields, appreciating the cooling breeze. Then we watched an interesting episode of 'Fake or Fortune' about authenticating two paintings by Gainsborough before getting ready for bed.

Staying out of the heat

I must have been tired last night as I forgot to switch my phone off at bed time. At three in the morning a call came in from Rachel who accidentally 'pocket dialled' me, into a conference call while talking to a third party. I got up after listening to Lucy Winkett on 'Thought for the Day' mediating on the solar eclipse and went to the pharmacy after breakfast to renew my prescription, which I should have done yesterday, but was distracted from doing so by my GP appointment. The amount of time it takes to process a request put me at risk of running out of meds the doctor insists are obligatory and life saving, despite the awful effect they have on me. Fortunately the pharmacist, knowing the vital one is in stock fast tracked the order, so I'll get them tomorrow afternoon.

It's another hot day today under a clear sky. It was about 27C when I walked to the pharmacy, 30C by the time I got home even higher later. The drought continues and with it the prospect of more wildfires. 

Fran and Marc came around for a wide ranging discussion about a presentation she's preparing about the meaning of the symbolism in the icon of the Holy Trinity. Marc will accompany her reflections with meditative violin music. It's something they've done before successfully with other icons. It is perhaps the most challenging one so far. It starts by focusing on the symbolism of the icon of 'the Hospitality of Abraham' and its mystical significance. How this works out will be interesting to see. After an hour and a half of talking I was pretty tired and slept for nearly two hours after a quick pasta lunch prepared by Clare.

As I've stopped preparing Morning Prayer videos, I've not used either of my Windows laptops for sound or video editing for several weeks, and thought I should run them to let Windows update itself. I started the Honor laptop when I sat down to listen to the Five O'clock news, and was astonished to find the updating process took an hour and a half. Perhaps it's more noticeable if updating occurs in the background while you're working. I'll have to time the updating of the Dell laptop when I next get around to switching it on.

I walked a circuit of Llandaff Fields for an hour after supper when the sun was going down and a cooling breeze was blowing. I had little energy to do anything more, it was time for early bed

Eclipse missed - just

A poor night's sleep awakened at first light by my irritated gut. I called the surgery at eight and got a face to face appointment at eleven forty. It meant I could go to church beforehand. Another hot day without rain, pushing back against drowsiness to get to St Catherine's for the Eucharist with a dozen others. In the absence of Fr Sion it was celebrated by Mthr Alison Dummer, Cathedral Curate and former URC minister, like her husband Mark, who was with her in the congregation. We chatted after the service, mainly about medication. Mark has heart problems and had to retire early some years ago on that account. Inevitably ailments are one of the main topics of conversation among older people.

My GP appointment was with Dr Jordan to whom I explained my medication woes. It would have been a lot more precise if I'd remembered to take with me the notes I prepared. Anyway, she's initiating a medication review, to see whether a lower dosage or a different version would have less of an impairing impact on my quality of life.  I called in the Coop after coffee and chat, to buy kefir but there was none in stock. After a podiatry appointment, Clare was already back home cooking lunch when I arrived. She went to town afterwards, and I slept in my armchair for nearly an hour. I could have done with more.

I had a phone call from fellow stroke sufferer Kath, a school friend of our Kath. She had a disabling stroke in her forties limiting her mobility, but lives independently and adventurously, with humour and great positivity. It was good to hear from her and chat about the challenges confronting us. as we attempt to live as normal a life as possible regardless of disability. I escaped the worst effects of a stroke and made what the medics regard as 'an excellent recovery' the one concern I have is the impact of medication side effects that really impair my quality of life. I've adjusted to a slower pace of life, the limitations of travel and to some extent the amount of stimulus I can tolerate without being overwhelmed. I need to regain confidence in handling my financial affairs. This is related to my ability to concentrate and pay attention to detail. This is where I need patience and reduction of anxiety. I need to overcome my fear of making mistakes. It could simply be a matter of getting used to a familiar set of routines again to re-establish confidence. I'm not under pressure. I hope time will heal.

The solar eclipse arrived at tea time. I got glimpses of it using the black end of strip of film negative, but didn't have the means to take photos. I watched the moon move into the sun's disc, then went indoors to eat some cold chicken for supper. When I went out to look again the sun was already at the rooftops and the moon was exiting the sun's disc, so we missed the eclipse climax entirely. And all my photos were over exposed, hardly worth keeping. How disappointing. Owain sent me a good photo he took with his phone using his eclipse glasses to filter out the sun's glare.

I've done a lot of intense talking today, so early bed is a necessity.

St Clare's day shooting stars

Another bright sunny day with a clear sky. It's Clare's name day today - St Clare of Assisi.

Wales and regions of England are declaring a state of drought, there's been so little rain for so long. There have been record high temperatures in addition, and the rate at which the climate is heating up is increasing. The human race is reaping the reward of its own foolishness and greed now. Egotistical warmongers continue to push people and nations into fighting each other with no regard for the immense battle for survival of the very environment which we rely on for our existence.

 I slept fairly well and unusually the morning medications didn't make me feel very drowsy or slow, just clear headed. I had a GP surgery appointment for a blood test which I thought was at ten but turned out to be at eleven. I thought the blood test was followed by an appointment with a doctor, but something went wrong. It was alleged that I had missed the appointment, but that's not what my diary said. I was offered a telephone consultation at an unspecified time later in the day. I went home and had a coffee, then returned for the blood test. The nurse couldn't draw blood from either arm, probably as a result of the heat, even though I'd taken the trouble to drink plenty of water beforehand. 

She found however, that my blood pressure was normal, despite a brisk walk to get there punctually a second time. I don't know why surgery admin doesn't send an SMS message to confirm an appointment booking, as it would reduce the possibility of communication errors. The day passed with no call from the doctor. Did the receptionist say that I should call for a telephone appointment? Did I miss that? When someone is behind a screen speaking fast and indistinctly with a high pitched voice I may miss words. The drugs don't help, still slowing down my thought processes when I start to get tired.

Rachel posted her collection of pictures from our anniversary dinner on WhatsApp. I shared the text of my anniversary eulogy with the family. Clare cooked swordfish steaks for lunch, with blackberry crumble left over from the weekend for pudding. No wonder I slept in my armchair afterwards. Then I went to Tesco's and bought chicken pieces to cook. I haven't had any meat in my diet for a while, and thought the change would do me good.

After supper, I watched an episode of 'Gavin and Stacey, with Clare, then a short walk for some fresh air. Before going up to bed, I sat outside in the garden looking up at the sky, hoping for a chance encounter with one of the thousands of Perseid meteorites that are due to reveal themselves this evening. A high level layer of thin cloud or maybe mist robbed the sky of clarity with only a handful of bright stars visible. It was cool and quiet, but I saw nothing more than the few fixed lights of far off heavenly bodies. My memory of lying on my back watching under a dark sky in a field in Picardy fifty years ago is still vivid. It will have to do.

Parting of the ways

Another terrible night's sleep for me. I took a bed blocker in the small hours to dim the adrenaline effect on my heartbeat. Not that it made much difference to the way I feel after medication. Rachel left us for the coach station at five to eight. Clare went with her. I wasn't in a fit state so early after a bad night. 

Talyann and Rhiannon were next to leave for Manchester. Then Kath encouraged me to set up a Lasting Power of Attorney mandate, which I paid for, downloaded and printed. Two of them, Twenty two pages each. Our next door neighbour Gwydion came in and witnessed the signatures, a complex routine masterminded by Kath who possesses advanced bureaucratic skills gained from her Arts admin experience. Then Kath and Anto started their journey to Kenilworth, giving Owain a lift as far as Central station. 

Then suddenly, the house was quiet, with just Clare and I remaining to ponder on our memories of a lovely family weekend, full of laughter, good food and story telling. Lack of sleep and the toxic effect of the medication impaired the whole experience for me, slowing my reactions, isolating me, pushing me into myself when I struggled to be outgoing and responsive to this unique occasion in our long life together. After lunch I downloaded the rest of the photos I took, and shared the album with the others. By the time I went to the Co-op for bananas and yoghurt mid afternoon, my head began to clear, which was a relief. I went out again after supper and walked for half an hour as the sun was setting. I don't know what I ate that gave me the most terrible wind and mild nausea, but it discouraged me from walking further. I had difficulty swallowing a slow release capsule after eating. I wonder if it broke open early in my stomach and its content reacted with food yet to be digested. It was most unpleasant. I hate these capsules, which give me hiccups, wind, reflux and diharrea. They kill off gut flora too and I need to eat live yoghurt a couple of times a day to prevent palpitations and headache. The medication is aggressive and too strong, or is the dosage too high. I'm seeing the GP tomorrow and will report all this. I'm hoping for a better night's sleep tonight - gut permitting.

Anniversary lunch

Clare and I shared the double bed last night to make room for guests. I went to bed tired and lost nearly three hour's sleep. This made the impact of the medications even worse than usual. Before going to church I had to walk to Tesco's to withdraw cash to have money to put on the collection plate. It was an effort given how tired I was feeling, and it took a long time for my pulse to settle down once I stopped moving. I went straight home after the service, and attempted to catch up on sleep in my armchair. It didn't help much, and the rest of the day was a struggle against drowsiness.

Rhiannon and Talyann arrived from Manchester at one, then we took a taxi to Church Street in the city centre to a restaurant called 'The Botanist' where Kath and Anto were waiting for us in a rooftop bar. A private dining area was booked for the eight of us in one corner of the top floor restaurant where we had an excellent long lunch, long partly because the service was slow.  It was a struggle to concentrate with the noise of several exuberant conversations going on. It was lovely to be with the family, but I was a passive rather than active participant in table talk.

Rachel reminded us that she returns to America tomorrow. The thought of this really upset me and I had to walk out rather than disrupt the meal ending for others. Rachel and I walked home together, and we were reunited with the rest of the family for celebratory chocolate cake with dark cherries and soya cream with a cup of tea sitting in the garden. I recited a Wedding Anniversary eulogy I'd written for the occasion. It was too noisy in the restaurant, but the intimate space of Clare's garden seemed just right in the end. We sat outside until it was uncomfortably cool, then moved indoors for a snack supper and a little music making before turning in for the night after a very special family day, for which I'll be eternally grateful.