Community in contradiction

I didn't sleep well and was up early to walk  into College. I wasn't in the mood for Morning Prayer to be turned into an informal prayer meeting half way through, I needed propping up and withdrew into silence alone in the crowd, to let it carry me through. Too many words - just like me yesterday morning.

We had seven prospective students visiting College today. My task was to give a introductory presentation on living and working together in the College community. I had as a starting point a short Powerpoint file from last year, which left unsaid a number of things which were probably said without notes or slides at the outset, so I set to and quickly added some material to to it, reflecting what I should remember to say. I was pleased with the result, and it came easy to present it with enthusiasm.

Today is the deadline for students' self-assessment reports and delivery of their work portfolios, and I had nobody to chase, which is good. There were people to see before slipping home for an Ignatian meditation group at midday followed by lunch. Again I devoured the silence hungrily. I'm not getting as much as I need with all the added pressure of responsibility this time. I'm looking forward to working myself out of a job when Mark Clavier arrives in a month from now.

Before returning for the weekly College Eucharist, I went into the CBS office for a couple of hours. There are always small tasks to be done, decisions to be discussed, and if it's not done in person, it gets done by phone. We've made a lot of progress in the past few months. It's great to have a good secretary with us. She understands what we are about and her methodical thoroughness improves our effectiveness as a team no end.

The Mass setting at the College Eucharist was new to me and very singable. Three of the four hymns I knew almost by heart. It's nice to sing without a book in hand. The last hymn was a Marian hymn, quite orthodox and not nearly as exotic as some of the peculiarities on offer, yet strangely it wasn't a rendering of the Stabat Mater, which is the Passiontide Marian meditation, and I wondered why. Sadly, an inoffensive hymn caused uproar with confrontation and accusations afterwards, revealing how difficult some students find living with differences, let alone understanding, trusting or respecting each other. I found it alarming and distressing, I felt as if the community had lost its senses. Sure, it could be like this in my student days too, times when listening to each other became intolerable. Maybe it's all part of the learning experience.

I had to wait until after supper to rehearse the Palm Sunday service with those who will assist the Archbishop, and reflected on the decline of the church throughout my career, in relation to the perpetual difficulties of Christian life together. Still working at it, still unsuccessful, still making the church less than easy for people to find attractive or credible. I was back in my old weekend nightmare  - appealing to a congregation to get the service under way and being totally ignored.

While people were still at dinner, I wrote this on the College noticeboard, thinking will anyone notice the writing on the wall?

Those whose dogma makes them deaf and blind to others 
risk losing their faith and making themselves useless to God.

It was the only protest I could conceive of in an environment where people have stopped communicating and can only emote. And I know it applies to me too, knowing how close I come to losing my faith. I expect it will offend everyone, but maybe that will prod us to find a way out of this vicious circle.