Looking inside my brain

Cold today but sunny. Awake for two of eight and a quarter hours sleep. A fair night's sleep? It doesn't feel like it. When I got up I didn't take all my meds in one go, but in stages before and after eating and drinking lots of water to see what difference it would make to the usual morning woozy thick headed feeling. Well, maybe. Drinking enough water seems to be most important.

After breakfast Clare went to her study group meeting in Penarth. I wrote a reflection for New Year's Eve Morning Prayer, then cooked lunch in time for her return. With a hospital appointment at four, and being uncertain about the best route to take by bus to UHW, I ended walking there instead - fifty five minutes. So I must have been feeling better, and the weather though cold was pleasant for walking.

I met cardio consultant Dr Hughes. We recognised each other, as he was the medic who took charge of me in  A&E the day after I had the stroke. Thanks to him I saw a screenshot of the MRI brain scan confirming the presence of a clot on my occipital lobe that caused the stroke symptoms. He conducted a physical examination with a class of student medics to start with before revealing the scan findings. Despite my condition, skin to concussion, I noticed and was impressed by his skill as an observer teaching others how to observe. 

During our conversation, he showed me the detailed 3D recording of that MRI scan showing the position of the clot just above the top of the spinal column at the base of my brain. It's only recently that I saw a similar recording of Clare's brain scan - in better condition than mine. We talked about the problems I've been having with different medications making me feel worse. He was willing if necessary to prescribe aspirin plus an additional medication whose side effects wouldn't have such an impact. On further thought he considered that the combination of morning meds may be causing the problem, and proposed spacing them out across the day, as a way of observing which of the meds has a noticeable negative impact. He's going to write to my GP recommending spacing the three things I need to take during the day is written on the prescription.

This session I found most helpful. I felt heard and my concerns understood. I came away feeling lighter and optimistic about a way forward with treatment that doesn't leave me feeling worse. I took a bus into town, then caught another back to Pontcanna after a chilly wait outside the Holiday Inn. On the way home I chatted with Owain, and then separately with Rachel, both relieved to hear my good news. Owain has been recommended taking a food supplement to aid mental clarity and sharpness and taking a test for vitamin D deficiency, as this can be a problem that impacts on metabolism and brain function. I'm willing to try anything that might improve the way I've been feeling this past couple of months. What most affects my brain however, is short nights of interrupted sleep week after week. If only a medication routine could be found that reduced me having to get up for a pee almost hourly, that would change everything.

Canna Capella sings to support refugees

Rain in the night and this morning. I used the new dehumidifier when I had to get up for a pee. I  didn't get so chilled, slipped back into sleep easier and for longer. A positive outcome, worth the investment.  After meds and breakfast, I went back to bed and spent some time resting and writing to see if it was possible to  cope better with the impact the medication is having on me after taking it in the morning. Less worse, less of a struggle to stay awake and think clearly.

News reports about the mass shooting of fifteen people at Hanukkah festivities in Sydney yesterday identify the killers as islamist fanatics, a father and son as perpetrators. Sir Ephraim Mirvis, the Chief Rabbi spoke powerfully on 'Thought for the Day' about this fiesta as affirming faith and identity, celebrating the miracle of Jewish survival during persecution by imperial Rome leading to the continuing determination of Jews not to be driven into the shadows by anti-semitic hatred  "We are here, we belong, we will not hide who we are." The right to gather freely safely and publicly", he says, "is not a Jewish issue alone, it is a test of the moral health of any society that claims to value freedom, difference and human dignity". 

The right to freedom of speech is easily perverted into tolerance or acquiescence of unacceptable anger, aggression and hate speech against anyone who dares to be different. It's another symptom of decline in moral health of contemporary society, of resistance to learning to live together with those whose culture or experience of life is unlike our own. Have we become lazy or too vague about the difference between right and wrong, too comfortable with thinking moral judgements are no more than a matter of opinion? Living faith calls for a moral code based on the understanding that it is wrong to make another person suffer. To sin against God or a neighbour is to cause suffering. How often we seem to be indifferent to the suffering of others, devalued by the way they are spoken of. When this happens, violence against them is never far behind.

While Clare was out I cooked veg for lunch with savoury butter beans for me and boiled eggs for Clare. Blood thinners leave me feeling poorly as if my blood sugar levels are low. Is this a side effect? I need to raise this concern at my cardio consultation at UHW scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.

After a rest, I printed Christmas card envelope labels using my Chromebook connected to the lazer printer. It was a fiddly job, downloading address label master copies from OneDrive, uploading them to Google Drive and getting the Open Document Format files recognised by Google Docs but succeeded after a spell of trial and error. I need to get around to exchanging Linux Mint on my workstation for an alternative version of Linux which works with my printer. I simply can't be bothered to spend hours troubleshooting a fault caused by a Mint update. It's a shame, as I have happily used Mint for the past decade with few problems. There doesn't seem to be a straightforward fix for this. Maybe there will be when the next Mint upgrade comes along.

After supper I went to Conway Road Methodist Church for a performance by the fifteen strong Canna Capella choir Clare sings with. It was a fund raising concert in aid of a local organisation that supports refugees, by enabling them to engage fully in local life and work. This includes a project aiding medically experienced and qualified people to become accredited to work here and acquire enough English language to continue in their professional sphere if they need to do this. Impressive stuff. About fifty people were present. I enjoyed the singing, but found the noise of chatter and social interaction following the music stressful to cope with. It may be to do with the meds, but could be fall-out from the traumatic experience of my sojourn in A&E. Glad to get to bed at the end of the evening.

Toxic vengeance

Another poor night's sleep and miserable morning feeling tired with a thick head. Terrible news of a mass shooting at a Hanukkah celebration on Bondi Beach in Australia. Attacks on synagogues have occurred recently in several parts of the world, pointless retaliation for the Israeli government's war waged on Palestinians in Gaza and the West Bank. Injustice and violence breed injustice and violence. How can the vicious cycle be ended in which enraged people seek satisfaction by making victims of each other? Will we never understand how poisonous and soul destroying this is?

We made an effort to go to St Catherine's for the Parish Eucharist. A kind lady in church gave us some croissant shaped almond pastries stuffed with marzipan. We had these for pudding along with mince pies and apple pie Clare baked.

I slept for an hour after we'd eaten. Kath and Clare went out to Tesco's while I was asleep and bought a bedroom dehumidifier. I get chilly at night when I need to get up for a pee and it takes so much longer to get back to sleep. It's not that the room suffers from cold and damp as such. If there's a frost, the room feels less cold. t's less humid. I think it's something to do with prevailing wind pushing damp air down the chimney through a poorly sealed off fireplace. I remember having similar problems keeping warm when I was staying in Ibiza. Using a bedroom dehumidifier was necessary to make the room comfortable to sleep in when it wasn't especially cold. I hope this works. I've been losing too much sleep, no matter how many blankets or layers of bed clothes I wear at night.

I walked for an hour after waking from my siesta. Clare and Kath were out too, visiting a neighbourhood Christmas market in Plasturton Gardens, but we didn't meet. When I got home I found the dehumidifier installed and at work in the bedroom. Kath took her leave of us as it was getting dark. It was lovely to have her with us again for twenty four hours.

After supper I watched another episode of 'Les Invisibles' and one of 'Above Suspicion', that turned out to be one I'd watched before.

Signal poverty

Another cold bright sunny start to the day. I slept fairly well, with the usual interruptions and needing to drink a lot of water with meds and breakfast. Not that it made any difference. I felt unwell, sleepy, slow moving and slow thinking. I made an effort to go out and buy Christmas cards, but it was a struggle. Kath arrived at lunchtime, her journey prolonged by a slow moving traffic queue. After lunch we went out for a walk in the park ending up at sunset in the Square and Fair cafe next to the new Padel Courts, then walking home from there in the dark. 

Kath went out again and bought a desktop digital TV aerial to work with the new telly, but the aerial refused to work. Signal reception is very poor on the ground floor of the house. It worked however with the old Sony Bravia in the attic, albeit imperfectly. It can receive some but not all of the channels it should. We need a more powerful antenna, or a rooftop dish to collect signals from the Wenvoe transmitter four miles away. There are too many houses disrupting signals from the mast in the city centre. Thankfully there are no such problems with TV channels delivered via the internet Android apps once you have them set up.

My head started to clear, as if my body was getting rid of a toxin. I watched another episode of Shetland' before going to bed early.

Mobility landmark for Clare

Nice to wake up to a bright sunny morning after a fairly good night's sleep. Getting to bed a bit earlier than usual seems to have done me good. 

After breakfast I designed a digital Christmas card and prepared it to accompany our annual email newsletter. Clare received a fish delivery from Ashton's at nine, and was busy getting portions ready for the freezer when the doorbell rang a second time - her lift from Sue to go to a physio appointment down the Bay. On this occasion she returned the walking frame and crutches loaned to her by the clinic for the hip op. No longer needing them three and a half months after the op is quite an achievement! 

Salmon soup for lunch and an hour's sleep. I seem unable to escape tiredness at the moment. I noticed that I was making more typos than usual, my hand eye co-ordination suffers more from left sided impairment and maybe also from my brain working slower when I'm tired. As it was getting dark, I went out shopping intending to buy Christmas cards. I needed to get a bottle of TCP and was surprised to find none on sale in Boots, Savers or Tesco's. The takeover of a company that makes it has suffered supply chain problems and cannot deliver enough to retailers to keep up with demand. Hmm. Finding out about this was enough to distract me into forgetting to buy cards. I bought chicken pieces to roast and vine tomatoes that got rather squashed in the bag carrying them home. I cooked them with onion and garlic to combine in a sugo with roasted chicken tomorrow.

When I was looking for things on supermarket shelves this evening I noticed that I was finding it harder than previously to identify products I was looking for. It wasn't just a matter of not having suitable spec's to see what I was looking for, but not identifying products by their package colour, shape, or labelling. I'm not sure if this is erosion of memory or the process of recognising things automatically. It doesn't help if a product has been given a brand makeover. I notice other folk as old as me lingering in aisles of shelves searching for items they need, whether memorised or written down. Sometimes I arrive at a shop and have to stop and remind myself what I've come to buy, with or without a shopping list in my head or in hand.

After supper I watched a couple of episodes of 'Les Invisibles' and then it was time for bed.

Eye test verdict

Another grey overcast day. Another night with three hours of sleep lost, so getting started when tired is an effort. I had a phone call from Rufus after breakfast to check I was in so he could call in for a chat. It was good to see him again and learn about developments in his ministry as Mission to Seafarers Chaplain in Wales. A few years back Rufus suffered a TIA commonly called a mini stroke - Transient Ischemic Attack on two occasions. As a result he made adjustments to his lifestyle, more conscious of how to live with any potential risks to his circulatory system. Recovery took him nine months. That's something I needed to hear. At the beginning the word 'stroke' adequately described what I was going through. On one occasion I heard a medic describe my condition as a TIA and wonder if he got it right. I've not been paralysed and am recovering my ability to notice and recognise things I see, even if my brain is still slow sometimes making the connections. Seeing how energetic and capable Rufus is now both reassures and warns me not to take risks pushing myself too hard if I feel tired or stressed.

While Clare was out shopping for Christmas gifts I cooked savoury butter beans with rice for our lunch. I had a rest before setting out for a four o'clock eye test at the University School of Optometry in Cathays. I glanced at a striking looking dog resembling a husky standing in undergrowth at the side of the footpath, as the sun went down. After I looked away momentarily the dog simply vanished, leaving me wondering if I was hallucinating. Then I heard the dog's owner call after it in exasperation from the path. The dog then reappeared walking with the owner just ahead of it, and then lagging behind, as if they were playing some kind of game. I was amused but also reassured to find that I wasn't hallucinating in semi-darkness.

Ceri the optometrist ran though the standard eye tests with me. I don't need new glasses, but a cataract op to replace the one I had to cancel remains desirable. It will have to be planned around abstaining for a few days from the clot busting medication I need to take, since the drugs used to prepare the eye for surgery can produce unwanted side effects in combination with them. The field of vision scan result told me what I suspected. My vision is impaired, but not just in the corner of the left eye, but in the left corner of both. And it's lasting damage I'll have to learn to live with. There's no question of me driving a car again. It may be inconvenient and make life difficult and more complicated without personal transport, but it's a release from stressful duties and responsibilities. I could pursue registration as a vision impaired person to receive help and support, but do I need this? I need to train my awareness to be more alert in noticing movement at the periphery of my vision on the left hand side in order to stay safe and not put others at risk. I can see to read and type, but there's a pattern to my habitual typos relating to the visual impairment. Can I retrain myself to overcome this. Only time will tell.

It was past five when I left the eye clinic to make my way to the nearest bus stop opposite RWCMD to take me to the bus station for a number sixty one back to Pontcanna. I'm sad to think that stroke damage  to my optic nerve, though limited, is irreversible, sad that as a strongly visual thinker I'll never be as sharp in making connections, recognising what I see, and making my way in the world, as I have been during my four score years on earth so far. Still, I'm grateful for all I have seen and wondered at.

Talking of trees

Last night I put on a long sleeved vest with my pyjamas to find out if I'd sleep any better with conditions in a bedroom which is neither cold nor damp according to others leave me taking a long time to get warm at night, after getting up for a pee. Well, I was still awake for the best part of three hours out of more than nine in bed, but felt more relaxed when I got up after posting today's Morning Prayer video link to the Parish WhatsApp daily prayer thread. 

I booked an early blood test appointment so I could attend the St Catherine's Eucharist afterwards. There were eleven of us this morning. I left home late and had to rush to arrive on time at the surgery. Often after taking my morning pills, I feel like going back to bed due to the impact of what I'm taking, but not this morning. I was clear headed, not as fatigued as I have often been in the morning recently. I didn't start feeling tired until I'd done my daily step quota later in the day and had supper. I don't understand what's happening physically. Is the tiredness an occasional by-product of the clot dispersal drug doing its job, I wonder? I'll ask when I go for my cardio consultation next week.

After the Eucharist, coffee and chat, I collected this week's veggie bag from Chapter on my way home and shared cooking lunch with Clare. I had an exchange of emails with my cousin Dianne after we'd eaten The sun was starting to set by the time I went out for a walk. The chestnut tree in the avenue of trees leading to Western Avenue that was stripped of its lower larger branches yesterday was felled this morning, its trunk lying on the grass in pieces. The avenue is going to look quite different when more trees at the end of their life in current climatic conditions have been replaced by a more resilient species. 

As Marc and I walked in Pontcanna Fields yesterday evening we discussed the trees lining the path down to Blackweir Bridge, both trying to recall when they had been planted. It was, I believe, after the year Pontcanna Fields hosted the National Eisteddfod campsite Maes B in 2008, seventeen years ago. From saplings to mature trees with a few of them lost to gale force winds over the years since then.

I had a message from Basma this evening. She's been to her family in Jordan and returned from Turkey where she went for surgery in the summer. She wanted to know how I was getting on. I'm looking forward to seeing her again soon and sharing hospital stories.

Not user friendly, too complex

That was the worst night's sleep I can remember. Over four hours lost out of ten in bed, probably a result of yesterday's 'flu jab. Clare corrected the draft of our annual newsletter and I edited the text ready for the annual mail-out while she went to her study group. 

I prepared lunch, but forgot to switch on the stove to cook fish and veg while my attention turned to editing Morning Prayer audio for Christmas Eve. I dozed for an hour after lunch and could have slept for longer, but Marc came around to see us and then we went out for an after dark walk to the Taff. The water level at Blackweir Bridge is at footpath level, and more rain is expected.

After supper we both tried getting to grips with configuring Freeview and other TV channel apps on our new telly but with little success. There are lots of choices and channel registrations to make it's confusing. I can't recall how the few apps we habitually use got registered in the first place. Doing this to view telly on a laptop is easier, or else it's a matter of being more used to it. We'll just have to wait until Owain or Kath comes to stay.

I spent the rest of the evening making the video slideshow to accompany the Morning Prayer audio edited earlier in the day. Some things I have mastered and remember how to repeat, but it can be a struggle to remember how to use an app I seldom need. Linux works consistently well it rarely needs troubleshooting and I have to relearn how to do this. I'm currently in trouble as a system update stopped it from printing. My only recourse is to reinstall an older version and not accept updates, or try an alternative version of Linux, recommended for ease of use. I haven't made up my mind about this yet. What I really need is a low maintenance easy to use system that doesn't have me racking my brain trying to remember forgotten routines and commands to keep my work station running. I need to lose as little sleep as possible.

Reviewing a year of upheaval

Another ten hours in bed, three of them awake, disturbed by the need to pee. No wonder I feel sleepy after meds and breakfast. At eight I called the surgery for an appointment. It took three tries to get through to the call queue, but was granted one at eleven to discuss the effect of the blood thinners on my legacy leaky bum wound amongst other things. It all looks healthy to the doctor, nothing to worry about. It seems my blood sodium level is what it needs to be. For an added bonus, I was given a 'flu jab.

Prawns with rice and veg for lunch, followed by an hour long sleep, and a walk in Llandaff Fields before sunset. 

Before supper I wrote and recorded Morning Prayer and a Reflection for Christmas Eve. I spent the rest of the evening writing our annual Christmas newsletter. Not an easy task to get an appreciative perspective on what has been an upheaval of a year with many changes taking place and much uncertainty about the future. So much to let go of, wondering what there is to look forward to apart from decline into infirmity. At least for the moment I'm physically fit. For this I'm grateful.

Fatigue

Another overcast damp day. Nine hours in bed, three hours awake, maybe half awake. I didn't feel so bad but once I'd taken the prescribed medication and drank enough water to compensate for the amount lost overnight, I started to feel drowsy and drained of energy. It was an effort to get ready and out of the house to walk to church, but fresh air and exercise makes a difference, sort of. We were about forty adults and ten small children at the St Catherine's Eucharist. 

When we got home I helped with preparing and getting lunch on the table, pushing back against tiredness. Is the cocktail of medication I'm taking the reason I end up feeling poorly? At least I'm able to keep walking, so long as I don't push myself too hard. I slept for half an hour after we'd eaten, then went for a walk along the east bank of a swollen river Taff. The wind was strong, roaring in the trees as it blew from the west on the return stretch across Pontcanna Fields. Rain was forecast but fortunately stayed away until I was safely home again. 

While I walked I started to think about a recent bank statement I received. Opening the envelope, I accidentally tore the document and had to repair it and couldn't remember if I checked the balance and was sure it was enough to cover outgoing direct debits. It was enough to start me worrying, as if fighting strong gusts of wind wasn't enough worry already. I start to panic these days if I feel I'm slipping out of control, a legacy from the sense of helplessness and extreme pain experienced when an ENT medic was trying to stop my nose bleed three months ago. When I arrived home I found the bank statement quickly and to my relief, all was in order. No risk of slipping into financial danger. It was just that I couldn't remember checking the statement once I'd pieced it back together again, not long after discharge after the nose bleed emergency.

After supper I watched another couple of episodes of 'Les Invisibles' and then headed for bed, hoping for a longer night's sleep.

TV disposal

A good night's sleep for a change. Overcast with rain showers and gusts of wind with a flood alert for the Taff Vale. After a pancake breakfast Clare was determined to get rid of the redundant telly, and one of the neighbourhood WhatsApp group members was offering to take stuff to the Council tip. Clare went off to a coffee morning at St John's and left me to do the job. Easier said than done, as there was a heavy rain shower when the time came to load it on the shopping trolley frame to wheel it to the rendezvous. The box from the new telly had the same dimensions as the old, but keeping it balanced for the two hundred metre walk, with waterlogged gutters, buffeted by gusts of wind, was tricky. Fortunately there was a break in the rain long enough to complete the task without incident or accident.

We made the same meal for lunch today as yesterday. The usual veg, with Tofu burger for Clare, chicken drumstick for me. Neither of us had the energy to think about variety. I can't shake off the lethargy that's afflicted me recently. I rested after lunch but couldn't doze off, so I walked in Llandaff Fields for a couple of hours and returned before sunset. Rain showers continued but were more sporadic. Strong gusts of wind persisted, lifting the brolly in different directions as if an invisible hand was attempting to snatch it away. 

One of the taller Horse Chestnut trees on the path that leads to Western Avenue has suffered wind damage. Its branches have now been cut back to the trunk. Several older chestnut trees have failed to flourish the past few years, weakened by long dry spells and infestation by fungus or insect and losing branches when there's a high wind. The damaged tree is one of a group along the path which flowers without producing conkers. I daresay the effects of climate change will kill off many of these trees in the coming years 120 years after their planting. Let's hope that the introduction of new tree species that are better able to tolerate extreme changes in weather will be successful in the long term.

I got home at sunset, and chatted with sister-in-law Ann. Coincidentally she's on blood thinning meds as a precaution, prescribed as she suffers from atrial fibrillation. She's troubled by ill effects, light headedness and slow pulse. Not too dissimilar from how I'm affected by meds I'm taking at the moment. I didn't notice this while my body was over-producing adrenalin under stress. I think a discussion about this with a medic is necessary. I have an appointment with a heart specialist in ten days time.

After supper I watched a new French crimmie called 'Les Invisibles' on Walter Presents, about a team of investigators whose role is to identify murder victims who cannot be accounted for from a register of missing persons. With each case the team is starting from scratch and has to develop its inquiry from the context and whatever is found by investigators at the presumed crime scene. The crime victims are in effect invisible to start with. The investigators work behind the scenes to inform the process that leads to the case being made public by the investigating magistrate and public prosecutor. An interesting angle on police procedural drama.

Typo trouble

The sky was overcast, but I woke up after seven and a half hour's sleep, maybe the best I've had in weeks. starting the day feeling less wretched and drowsy than usual. After breakfast Clare went out shopping, and with the house quiet, I wrote a Reflection on Jesus rebuking a demon, and recorded it with Morning Prayer for the week after next. At the moment I feel the need to prepare more in advance as I can't be certain of feeling well enough for working to a short deadline to complete tasks calling for concentration. I stopped and cooked the veg for lunch, roasted the chicken drumsticks I bought yesterday, fried a tofu burger for Clare as she was out shopping and doing battle with rain and strong gusts of wind. After we'd eaten, I continued working on a Morning Prayer video slideshow and then went out for some fresh air. It was still raining and strong gusts of wind made walking precarious and unpleasant controlling a brolly.

I went to the Post Office, determined to cancel my Post Office Money Card, since it was giving me such grief. Although I had card PIN numbers safely stored, the card reader in the Post Office rejected numbers I used. I found this very upsetting, and assumed my account was being blocked because I failed to log into the on-line account for no reason I could understand. When I reached home, I returned to the email reply to the query I had sent to the Post Office Money Card help desk yesterday and called the help line number in the email, still in a state. I was asked for some unique security details to identify myself as the account holder, then received a text message with the given PIN for the card in question. The number was familiar. I'd made a typo without realising entering the number after using the PIN for an extinct card. My attention to detail and concentration on tasks when under pressure is much poorer than it used to be. Is it just mental exhaustion or a lasting effect of the stroke, or the medication? I just don't know, but it's demoralising.

It stopped raining after dark and I went out for some calmer exercise to complete my daily step quota once we'd eaten supper. I had a progress report from Veronica, in good spirits about her knee joint replacement surgery. All the clips binding wounds together for healing have now been removed and physio continues relentlessly. It's good to know that all is going for her as the treatment plan intends. I'm not sure I can say the same. There seem to be a lot of ups and downs on my journey, though I am grateful, despite tiredness, to be walking well, not needing a stick for support, and retaining a good sense of balance despite muscles that lack suppleness and are slow to warm up. Early bed for me tonight.

Encouraging news for Clare

Early mist dispersed, and the sun shone through high cloud patches. A good night's sleep, but not long enough. Another day when I don't seem to be able to drink water enough to avoid feeling slow and thick headed. A letter from the Post Office announcing a revamp of my on-line Post Office Money Card account arrived in the morning mail. This meant logging in, but the login routine rejected the memorized password and refused to recognise the email address used to set up the account. Owain kindly emailed the helpline with an enquiry that would reveal if the letter I received was genuine or a fake, attempting to steal security details. I received an email later in the day advising me to phone the helpline. I made up my mind to visit the Post Office and report this occurrence, cancel the Money Card and close the account. 

The card only has two dozen euros on it, and it's unlikely I'll be travelling abroad in the foreseeable future, given the inevitable rise in holiday travel insurance I'll face now. I've accepted that my European locum duties are at an end. Concern about the health risks entailed in deploying elderly clerics was expressed when I offered to take a Sunday service at Madremanya last Spring before the stroke. It's been a lovely experience of voluntary ministry in Switzerland, Italy and mainly in Spain for the past fourteen years for which I'm most grateful. I don't want to risk being a liability to others, aware I'm not really well enough to engage in public ministry or make plans that look a long way forward. Christmas involving train travel to  Kenilworth and a hotel stay will be enough to look forward to over the winter months. It's disappointing to lose independence and become risk averse - unavoidable in the light of what I'm living through these days.

I went shopping before lunch and bought some AAA batteries as the one in our voltage detector was dud.. A pack of them I thought were dead were all unused, fully charged.

Owain Clare and I visited the Memory Clinic in St David's Hospital for a consultation with specialist about Clare's memory loss condition - what she sometimes calls her 'forgettery'. It didn't start well, being directed to the wrong clinic on arrival. Owain was proactive about enquiring after sitting in an empty outpatients' waiting room for a quarter of an hour. Eventually we were directed to the right place and met the medic who was waiting to see us. He reviewed the results of Clare's detailed psychological testing many months ago, and was positive about data which showed how little cognitive decline there had been. He showed us brain scan results from a PET scan, which reflected her good test performance. There had been a problem arranging a follow up scan, due to administrative changes which had not been communicated to Clare, but somehow lost in the system. Just as well the kids chased the Memory Clinic for answers. The follow up scan will now take place, but there's less anxiety about it now. The specialist conducted a follow up memory test which showed little change in cognitive performance. Though the PET scan is still needed, it will provide physical data that will corroborate the psychological test findings.

At the end of the session, Owain left us to return to Bristol for  a team festive social event post budget and Clare and I walked home in the dark, feeling better for the reassurance given us by the Memory Clinic visit. When I returned home from a short walk to complete my daily step quota, Kath was on the phone explaining to Clare how to get the new telly to complete an aerial scan, which it couldn't. I tried without success to get the telly to scan the antenna input after inserting the aerial cable in the back of the set. What I didn't understand was that it now needs a digital signal antenna plugged as analogue signals are no longer broadcast.  Thankfully Kath understood this and explained it to me. It's not been a good day for me technically. I'm finding these things too stressful at the moment.

I relaxed with an episode of 'Juge Marianne' on Channel Four Walter Presents after supper and was ready for bed by the time it was over, tired out.

New Telly installed at last

Cold, bright and sunny with frost on car windows when I posted today's YouTube link to WhatsApp Daily Prayer thread, but another night of sleep loss, making for a miserable start. I was delighted to see an Instagram posting from Kath, showing the cover of the Heart of England Community Foundation annual yearbook which features her successful Sonrisa Arts production 'Dance in the Dark' with an accompanying article about the show aimed at families with early years children. Impossible not to feel proud of my daughter's innovative artistic work with children, and on other occasions with old people too.

I went to the Eucharist at Saint Catherine's. We were seven this morning. After coffee and a chat I collected this week's veggie bag from Chapter and cooked rice, savoury veg and prawns for lunch. Clare was shopping in town. I couldn't shake off the tiredness and needed a couple of hours sleep in the chair to rid myself of the drowsiness. Then I walked down Cathedral Road to Parkwood Clinic for an Acupuncture appointment with Peter Butcher at half past five. Another good session, so walking home was less effort than walking there. He said the tiredness I was experiencing could well be the body's natural response to a lower level of adrenalin, the genuinely physical call to convalescence, more rest, a slower pace and so on. People tell me to take it easy but it's not easy when you have a lot that needs sorting out to get your affairs in order. I admit I'm prone to frustration and panic if I feel I can't get things under control.

As we were relaxing after supper, Owain turned up, straight from work to spend a couple of days 'working from home' here. Hopefully he can help me get a few things sorted out when he's off duty. In fact, he made a good start by setting up the new Sony Bravia Android internet telly which has been in its box since I bought it a fortnight ago. I haven't felt confident about doing this with poor concentration and fatigue haunting me for months. Owain unboxed it and ran the set-up routine. This requires use of a phone or laptop to sign into the channels we have an account with. Owain did this for me as fatigue was slowing down my perception and thought processes causing me unwanted stress. It only took half an hour with him in charge. I would have taken far longer if I'd been muddling through on my own and struggling to read small print text on screen or paper.

We enjoyed watching an episode of 'Shetland' and the ten o'clock news and then it was bed time, and more much needed rest.

Gecko in the ski bag

Another grey rainy day after another night short of sleep. At least my sleep quality is better so I don't feel quite so bad when I get up. Clare's study group arrived for their session after breakfast, and I sat in the lounge and edited Morning Prayer audio recorded last night. Then I went out to get some fresh air before lunch and walked for an hour without realising. Long suffering Clare had cooked lunch by the time I got home. I went to bed and slept for an hour. I seem to need seven hours a day to have enough good energy to enjoy the rest of the day's activity.

As my best reading spec's fell apart on Sunday after losing an essential screw, I thought it would be a good idea to take them to the University School of Optometry for repair, and book an eye test as well. I'm due for my annual eye test this time of year, but should have had another cataract operation a few days after I had the stroke so it had to be cancelled and remains on hold. Blood thinner medication causes problems with the drugs used in eye operations apparently. Hopefully this will be reviewed in the light of the eye test, to allow me back on to the list for cataract surgery.

I took a bus as far as Sophia Gardens aiming to walk through Bute Park to Corbett Road to my destination but found the direct route through the park to Cathays closed, fencing in the Winter Wonderland 'son et lumiere'. Following the cycling route add a half mile to the walk. I think it's outrageous to deny citizens access to a public park given by Lord Bute a century ago. It's the second time this year public access has been curtailed for commercial purposes. It may be due to the Council's attempt to shore up City finances ruined by inflation and past government cut-backs, but it ends up generating resentment and ill-will, which does nobody any political good. It added twenty minutes to my journey to the Optometrists, too close for comfort with closing time approaching.

I was glad to have my spec's repaired and returned to me in the short amount of time I was arranging the eye test appointment for next week. I didn't fancy walking home through the park in the dark with the noise and garish illumination of the fenced off Winter Wonderland in the background. I walked to North Road to take a bus to the town centre and another from the bus station back to Romilly Road. Not a pleasant experience in the pitch dark having to wait for every time consuming change of pedestrian traffic lights on the route. Just as well it wasn't raining or cold and windy. The route indicator on the bus wasn't working to announce the stops. It was difficult to work out where the bus was going to stop next as street lighting didn't help to make places distinguishable, looking out from inside a well lit bus. It was a relief to get back to the neighbourhood streets I know better from walking in the dark.

After supper, Clare watched a video on our telly and I worked on next week's Morning Prayer slide show video for uploading to YouTube. I like to be ahead in preparing this in case something goes wrong and I'm not feeling as well as I must be to get stuff ready well before it's needed.

I had a phone call with Rachel who's in the throes of de-cluttering her shed. She found a disintegrating ski bad with Clare's cross country ski kit and several sets of rusting downhill skis and batons, dating from our trip to Canada when I retired in 2010. The bag was also home to a charming family of geckoes! I've walked a lot and done a lot today, and am ready for bed.

 then needed to get a bus

Mint print glitch

A dark day of persistent wind and rain, so demoralising. A night plagued by stiffness in my neck muscles affecting my head and more sleep loss. I went back to bed after meds and breakfast. It made no difference. It was just a struggle against exhaustion and frustration. I had a document to print, but Linux refused to cooperate with my multi-function lazer printer, and no amount of troubleshooting could persuade it to do anything at all. The ink cartridge needed changing, which I did. The printer showed I'd done it correctly, but it still refused to accept a print command. Then I tried printing a document from the Chromebook over wi-fi, which I've done successfully before. Nothing. Fortunately I found a workaround solution. There's a couple of USB-B ports on the Chromebook for attaching a printer cable. It recognised the device and then printed the document immediately. If I can't find a way to uninstall and reinstall the Linux print software, I'll have to go through the hassle of reinstalling the full operating system.

Clare cooked mackerel fillets with corn-on-the-cob for lunch, an unusual combination. After a frustrating morning, I had to rest after eating and slept for an hour and a quarter. It was getting dark by the time I went out for a walk in the wind and the rain fighting with a brolly. Utterly miserable. It wouldn't have been so bad if I'd been able to find my rain trousers. They turned up after the event in a bag I don't recall putting them in. Clare went out to choir practice after supper. As it had stopped raining I went out and walked for an hour to get some fresh air.

Then I chatted with Owain and watched a couple of episodes of 'Juge Marianne' until bed time.

Advent recollection

A sunny start to the day, a good night's sleep though not really long enough. I woke up feeling refreshed but the combination of meds I'm taking still made me feel woozy until I'd eaten breakfast and started my walk to church in the fresh air. 

I love Advent Sunday, its readings and hymns. It has been special for me since I was a first year student on my first retreat with St Paul's CofE Society organised a Chaplaincy retreat in a Salisbury convent run by a small community of nuns. That Advent Sunday was the climax of my first 48 hour weekend in silence, aged 18. It was an initiation into the mystery of keeping vigil during hours of darkness, sensing the divine presence, discovering the Word in silent stillness, wonder and even quiet humour, an invitation to look at the world in a different way. It awakened me to priesthood and a call to become an ambassador for Christ present in our midst, while still coming to meet us, in the natural world, in each other and the majesty of the cosmos.A time of quiet joy vividly recalled sixty years later. Though not as intense as Easter Day, it shed light on the risen Lord's affirmation - "Lo I am with you always, to the end of time." 

After lunch I slept for three quarters of an hour, then went out feeling refreshed and walked until dusk. I started recording next Wednesday's Morning Prayer when I returned, while I had the energy to do so. Then we went to the Ministry Area Advent Carol service at St Catherine's. We were about fifty in the choir and congregation combined. Numbers were less than expected as there was a concert in St John's this evening. I don't understand how a date clash like that can occur. It's not much of an advertisement for collaborative ministry,

After the service I felt tired. I had a headache, and was in need of food as I did when I got up this morning. Low blood sugar maybe? I felt chilled and needed to stay wrapped up warm. Is it the onset of 'flu? I hope not. Rachel called after supper and we chatted for an hour, until it was time to go to bed, wondering what's going to happen next.

Photos - informing or story telling?

Waking up to a cold sunny day after a broken night's sleep, leaving me to start the day feeling tired and unusually hungry, which is rather strange, but may be something to do with the impact of the medication mix on my digestive system. I had a bowl of porridge oats with almond milk and walnuts, to get me going, followed by Saturday breakfast pancakes. Clare went out to the Steiner school Christmas fayre leaving me to languish in an armchair and recover enough energy to face the rest of the day. 

Ann asked me in church last Wednesday about staying in Nerja. She and Paul are booking a holiday there. I promised to send her some photos I've taken when I've been there on locum duty. Many of the albums are no longer on Google Photos for space saving reasons. I don't want to pay for space. Google is already making enough money out of me by harvesting usage data for analysis of trends that can be used to pitch promotional adverts to me. A large proportion of my thousands of archived photos now occupy space on devices I own. I still keep a lot in Google Photos or in a Microsoft account - whatever seems convenient to me if I need handy access to them. I decided it would be better to go through my Nerja photos and collect the ones of interest into one labelled Google Photos album. Easier said than done however. It took several hours to retrieve the ones I wanted and upload them and the concentration required was tiring. After a tuna and mayo sandwich lunch, I completed the job and sent an album link to Ann. 

I found myself looking at the photos in a detached way, wondering if they would convey an impression of the place and its round of community events and activities in several key venues. Many of my photos are of flowers, birds and landscape that caught my attention. They don't really add much to the visual story of a lovely holiday venue for someone who has yet to visit the place. I realise these photos serve as a prompt for my place memories, and this would work differently for each person viewing the album depending on whether they have visited Nerja or had their interest and curiosity aroused. We'll see.

After all that intense concentration I needed to walk for a couple of hours to clear my head. The sunset was less than an hour away when I started, and it was dusk when I got home. I cooked fish with crinkly cabbage, carrots and couscous for supper. I realised as we ate that I was much more thirsty than I noticed earlier. Perhaps the reason for feeling tired since I got up. It's hard to get the balance right. I spent the rest of the evening relaxing, watching a couple of episodes of 'Juge Marianne' on Walter Presents, until bed time.

Too complex

I slept soundly, but not really for long enough, though I can't complain at waking up to clear sky and bright sunshine. I didn't wake up in time to phone the surgery at eight, but relaxed sleeping without being driven by the anxiety of an eight o'clock phone queue deadline may be more beneficial. Clare went out to a physio appointment after breakfast. I recorded Advent Morning Prayer and a Reflection for Wednesday next and was still editing when Clare returned, and was grateful she got busy cooking lunch while I finished the job. I slept in an armchair for a refreshing hour and a quarter after we'd eaten, then walked for an hour and a half until dusk.

I had a phone chat with Owain. I only picked up his call because the phone was vibrating in my pocket, with no ringtone, for no reason I could discern. We started our chat with Owain taking me through a WhatsApp troubleshooting session. Problem sorted now hopefully. Until the next time there's an update.

After supper I made the video slideshow for next week's Morning Prayer and uploaded it to YouTube. The job was made annoyingly difficult by the refusal of the Microsoft cloud based Video maker app to display added images saved in the project. The OneDrive file system synchronisation can be quirky on times, making copies of existing files that aren't needed, consuming file space and making it more difficult to find a file in the mess left behind. I would gladly replace the Microsoft video making app with one that runs on Linux, but there's nothing I can find that isn't more complex and demanding than it needs to be. Oh for elegant simplicity and user friendliness to enhance routine workflow! When I'm offered a plethora of configuration choices in any app, I risk forgetting what I need to use the app for anyway. So many more things seem difficult to get to work or have control of nowadays. Perhaps it's just my advancing age. 

Impersonal service

I wrote a note to my GP last night expressing concern about the leaky wound scar in my perineum. Like the terrifying nose bleeds I had a couple of months ago, it's a side effect from blood thinning meds I'm on. It was nearly midnight when I got to bed. I was awake for three hours of the nine I stayed in bed, mostly the hours before dawn, a poor night's sleep. I was tired after breakfast and though I felt sleepy I couldn't doze off again for more than a few minutes. I don't know why, as I feel more relaxed since I started acupuncture treatment.

I didn't feel like doing much and dozed in the armchair after breakfast until I recovered enough energy to have a shower and wash my hair. Then, a walk around to the surgery with the letter. Later I had a response from the surgery receptionist instructing me to ring up and book an appointment tomorrow morning at eight. I protested that waking up early enough to wait twenty minutes in a booking queue with no certainty of an appointment is stressful if you're unwell, but my protest fell on deaf ears. 

Despite presenting a printout of the Water Bill for payment at the Post Office, Clare was unable to pay it as the printout I gave her lacked a bar code to scan. Although it contained the account reference number and name a paying-in slip with bar code was required, so that the visible information on the bill could be scanned and used, rather than entering by hand. This was after queuing for twenty minutes to be served. What sort of service is this?

While Clare was on her way back from her failed mission, I prepared veg to cook for lunch with delicious swordfish steaks. After eating I printed the page from the water bill pdf containing a payment slip for the amount of the bill with the unnoticed relevant bar code. So much for user friendly means of in-person bill payments. This presumes everything that can be done electronically or on-line should be. My eyesight post-stroke is not as good as it needs to be for following on-line procedures. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for people who lose their sight in later life, as Clare is slowly, due to glaucoma.

I walked in Llandaff Fields during the sunset hour. It was overcast and started to drizzle as it cooled down once the sun behind the cloud slipped below the horizon. After supper I watched a couple of episodes of 'Shetland' and then wrote an Advent Reflection for next Wednesday's Morning Prayer. Then it was time for bed.

Adrenalin excess impact

Another bright cold autumnal day. I slept fairly well but not as long as I hoped for. I posted the YouTube link to today's Morning Prayer on WhatsApp and got up at nine. We were eight for the Saint Catherine's Eucharist. I left the veg bag collection to Clare as I had a blood test at the surgery after the service. After a savoury lunch of lentils, carrots fried with onions and rice, I walked to Parkwood clinic for an acupuncture appointment with Peter Butcher. Physically speaking I'm a lot better for his treatment of my kidneys, but my confidence has taken a knock, and left me anxious about making on-line payments. There's a water bill to pay and I couldn't face doing it on-line. I found the pdf of the invoice and printed it off later in the day, so it can be paid at the Post Office counter instead, to minimise the possibility of error. I've never been in a state of mind like this before, and woke up feeling anxious about it in the early morning. 

Fortunately, Peter is an experienced therapist. It was helpful talking things through with him. The events of the past five weeks have led to surviving crisis after crisis on sheer adrenaline, so when things don't work out as intended or I encounter difficulties I don't understand, the fight - fright - flight animal instinct kicks in irrationally and maybe without reason, affecting me physically. It's a vicious cycle I have to learn how to break. I feel I need a respite and try to avoid facing things. Hence a workaround solution with bill paying. 

Peter said that kidneys have adrenal glands located on top of them which regulate blood pressure, metabolism, and stress response. They've been working flat out. As the kidneys recover so do the glands. On times they may discharge and generate negative sensations or trauma flashbacks, a bit like a cat or dog shudders as it recovers from loud firework bangs. This offers a valuable insight into what I've been going through. I have to be patient and give it time.

After the session my head was clear and calm. I enjoyed a walk in Llandaff Fields on my way home the hour before sunset. Clare made delicious soup for supper, with freshly harvested beetroot from this week's veg bag. After supper I started work on next Wednesday's Advent Morning Prayer. It has come around so soon! The CofE Daily Prayer app hasn't yet been updated to include the first week of a new liturgical year. The Church in Wales lectionary app was able to supply the proper readings, and I found in my archive the Advent daily office liturgical framework. A fiddly job, but the text is now ready to record.

I learned from the Church Times report on the latest meeting of the Church in Wales Governing Body that there was an impasse in the process of nominating a new Bishop of Bangor, following the controversy and contention aroused by scandal at Bangor Cathedral which led to the resignation of Archbishop Andy John. It's been decided to appoint an interim Bishop of Bangor familiar with the Province but from outside. It would be someone who is already a Bishop, who is prepared to guide the diocese through the painfully difficult and unenviable task of reviewing its life and understanding what went wrong.

I spent the rest of the evening pondering on my conversation with Peter, and resolved to take the next step of facing my phobic reactions slowly, carefully when I feel the time is right and not throw myself at this problem and end up going out of control again.

Sunset in Thompson's Park

Another cold and sunny autumnal day. I slept fairly well, nearly seven hours. Ten hours in bed, two hours awake for peeing in the night and an hour half awake listening to 'Thought for Today' and the morning news. The volume of pee is half what it was two weeks ago, just about, so I don't need to drink as much to re-hydrate. I'm still getting used to the impact of the other meds I take in the morning. I no longer have the strong diuretics totally ruining my sleep so that I wake up feeling poorly and am perhaps more sensitive to the passage of the meds into my blood stream to do their job. I think the blood thinners make me sleepy. It's best just to go with the flow, not push myself and only make an effort to be active when I feel ready.

A lovely photo on WhatsApp from Kath and Anto on the beach this sunny morning in Barcelona before their flight home after the Children's Theatre conference they attended in Sabadell.

Clare went to her study group in Penarth, and I prepared veg and hake fillets to steam for lunch when she returned. After we'd eaten, I worked on tomorrow's Morning Prayer video slideshow. I was just finishing it when Marc arrived. Trust the video maker app to start being uncooperative and not properly complete the task as I was welcoming Marc. Clare and I walked with him to Thompson's Park. We sat on a bench and watched the sun set, then came home for Earl Grey tea and chocolate biscuits as it got dark. After Marc left us, I went out again before supper to complete my daily step quota in the dark. As I walked down Llandaff Fields on my way back the waxing crescent moon appeared as it neared the western horizon, chasing the sun. I'm more used to seeing it rise from the eastern horizon. It was quite a surprise. When I got back, I uploaded the completed video to YouTube ready for tomorrow.

After supper we watched an edition of 'The Morecambe and Wise Show', a tape recording lost for fifty years rediscovered and remastered for today's tellies. Traditional Music Hall laugh-out-loud entertainment, unsophisticated often puerile humour, if not politically correct for the era of Cancel Culture. We must have watched it on our black and white telly when we were in Birmingham and the girls were at the Nursery School in Selly Oak. Happy days indeed.

Anxiety at reversing a decision

The sky was clear when I woke up, but clouded over mid morning. More rain to come. Last night's sleep was less worse, thanks to eating less  at supper time, though I still needed to drink plenty of water when I got up to avoid a foggy head. I had porridge and bacon for breakfast to  compensate for blood sodium loss. Admittedly I peed half as much volume as I have been doing this last couple of months, an improvement, but was still awake for nearly three hours out of ten in bed. I'll have another blood test on Wednesday. I'll find out then if there's been any change at all. 

I can't seem to escape worrying about this commitment we've made to install solar panels. Even though the offer looks sound, I have nagging doubts I can't quite put my finger on, and am getting distressed by them. When I went for a walk after lunch I talked with Owain about it. He understood, and reassured me that if I was having misgivings it was possible to pull out of the contract. Clare had been in touch with the company about changing our combi gas boiler to an electric boiler, which it seems can be done for little or no added cost as part of the deal. It seems there are grants for doing this. 

Owain was doubtful about what this would achieve as electric water boilers are notoriously expensive to run, and would reduce the benefit from home solar generated power export to the grid. A casual remark about solar power use in our area led me to inspect roofs in our neighbourhood when I was walking around. I couldn't spot any. Maybe this is due to the alignment of houses along a northeast-southwest axis. Hardly ideal for solar panels unless they are state of the art high efficiency ones. Few houses in our area may have roof surfaces optimally oriented, and that may explain the reason there's scant evidence of roof top solar panels around us. Are we ready to be early adopters of new kit yet to live up to the energy production claims made for our neighbourhood in all good faith?  By the end of the afternoon Clare too was having misgivings, so we decided to cancel the contract, and hopefully have our deposit refunded without any hassle. 

Perhaps I felt so bad about Saturday's decision to proceed as it's something we both want to happen. I was unable to get a grasp on appropriately informed questions at the presentation session. I was feeling poorly and thinking too slowly and disjointedly to think critically.

Anyway, I'm less anxious and agitated about it now that my instinctive risk aversion and caution have had their impact.

Clare had supper even earlier than me as she was going to choir practice. I recorded and edited this week's Morning Prayer and Reflection while she was out, thankful I could concentrate on the task after an emotionally topsy turvy anxious day in which I hardly recognised myself. 

Now the decision has been taken, I think I shall sleep better tonight after a light supper again, as that's what seems to suit me now.

Sleep loss

By the time I went to bed last night I started worrying about our decision to have solar panels installed and whether we'd given it enough thought. As a result I lay awake for half the night on top of the usual sleep interruptions to empty my bladder. It's no wonder I felt poorly during this morning's Parish Eucharist.  My fitbit is warning me about overdoing it too. I left straight after the service, bought potatoes and grapes in the Co-op and came straight home. 

The congregation was double its usual size with family, friends and lots of extra children attending a baby's baptism. It's good to see that many families are still following social conventions if not faith conviction when it comes to family christenings. It's clear many of the adults are not used to participating in regular worship. I hope they come away from church with a good impression. The pandemic hit church attendance hard, baptism, weddings and funerals included. Church survey reports speak of small signs of reversal in the attendance decline, but nothing yet to impact on the catastrophic decline witnessed in my lifetime.

I confess I would have preferred a quieter Early Communion service instead today. Clare opted to attend the afternoon Welsh language Eucharist instead. After lunch I slept in the armchair for an hour and then walked for three quarters of an hour, and slept in the chair again when I returned. Today has felt like being on an overnight long haul flight, striving to get some rest, and a little exercise walking up and down the aisle to stretch the legs and maintain blood circulation. 

I watched the Matthew Bourne production of Tchaikovsky's 'Sleeping Beauty' after a lighter supper of fruit and chicken only, determined to avoid my digestion working overtime, and allowing me a better night's sleep. I certainly need it.

Going for solar

Overcast sky, cold and rain today. A good night's sleep, seven and three quarter hours, best sleep quality in months, and less volume of pee overnight, two days after stopping the 'booster' hypertension meds whose toxic impact on my body is diminishing. I woke up feeling a little hazy. Saturday breakfast pancakes with honey or marmalade soon cleared my head. My blood sugar must have been a bit low as well. At eleven a representative of PlanetBloom arrived. It's a solar panel installation business. 

Clare had arranged a visit for a sales presentation. It's a matter we explored a few years ago, at a time when solar panel efficiency was far less than it is now. We didn't pursue it as it was too costly to be economically viable. Given the recent advances and lowering of prices as more households adopt solar power the situation has changed, and we are in a position to save money on our total energy costs. 

We decided to go ahead and order an installation. When it came to paying the deposit, I must have made a mistake with the on-line bank transfer. We paid by card over the phone. Then I found myself locked out of our joint bank account and had to go through a long security check to establish my on-line banking credentials. I had to look at bank statements and receipts to establish account ownership successfully. It was very unnerving, but the person answering the helpline was most patient with us in the midst of all our confusion and chaos. I don't need this level of stress while I'm recovering from the medication nightmare of the past couple of months.

After a late lunch I walked in Llandaff Fields until dusk and completed my daily step goal. Clare cooked spinach and vegan cheese pizza for our supper. Both Owain and Rachel phoned for a chat. Kath and Anto are in Barcelona for a conference about children and theatre, part of Kath's research in preparation for the next Sonrisa Arts project. It's a pity they can't meet up with Veronica and John, as Veronica is recovering from her knee joint replacement surgery and still in hospital learning how to walk. Another early night for me tonight, no telly.

Life's end for a loved missionary pastor

Sub zero temperature overnight, and a chilly start to a bright sunny day. I had a fairly restful night's sleep. Nine and a half hours in bed, two hours sleep lost due to my bladder. I'm peeing less overnight than I was before, but suspect I'm still dehydrating at night as my bowel motion is quite fluid. It may have something to do with blood thinners interacting with other medication, affecting digestive system chemistry. I'm not yet properly stable. After breakfast I was overwhelmed with tiredness and slept in the armchair for another hour. All I can do is listen to my body and accept its demands and resist pushing myself. 

I had a message from Veronica who had her knee replacement operation yesterday. It sounds as if it was technically demanding because of the extent of bone wear and tear. She's being fed a lot of pain control medication at the moment and kept in hospital over the weekend.

Former government politicians were interviewed about criticism of their actions by the Covid Report on the Today programme, giving them an opportunity to account for their actions while in office. Reports of misbehaviour in the 10 Downing Street office, it's bound to reawaken anger over botched decision making leading to so many untimely and perhaps unnecessary deaths. On Woman's Hour later on interviewee who witnessed the damaging effect of government isolation policy on elderly people in care homes, called for Boris Johnson to be barred as unfit to stand for public office again. He resigned as Prime Minister and MP after the 'Partygate' lockdown scandal and didn't stand in last year's General Election. Would he dare now?

There was a discussion with Michael Gove about covid quarantine rules and their enforcement, in which it was noted that Sweden's covid death rate was lower relying on voluntary compliance to similar rules. The explanation he offered for this was that social and economic inequality in Sweden is less than in Britain. This influences the state of health for those suffering deprivation and poverty. It was an almost casual remark, but a strong indictment of UK society and its distribution of wealth.

I cooked the veg for lunch while Clare was out shopping and forgot to start the fish cooking at the same time, my brain was feeling a bit scrambled. Clare quickly noticed however and with a joint effort we had lunch on time, more or less. Troubling news came in as we were about to eat of the conviction for bribery of the leader of the Welsh Brexit, UKIP and Reform Parties Nathan Gill. He was paid cash sums by a Russian propaganda agent to make pro-Russian statements in the European Parliament and media  in Ukraine as a Brexit party MEP. He was even a Senedd Member for two years. Aiding and abetting a foreign adversary is nothing short of treason. It's most embarrassing for far right political parties in Britain. Presumably there will be some sort of enquiry into how a 'fifth columnist' could rise to leadership in this way. How much did MI5 and MI6 know about this? since it's been going on for several years.

I walked in the park after lunch until the sun set and completed my daily step target. It was cold, but fresh air did me good. I had an hour and a half WhatsApp conversation with Roy Thomas in Madrid. He tried to call me a couple of times while I was out walking but for some odd reason my phone didn't alert me - not even by buzzing. It wasn't on 'Do not disturb'. I don't know what the problem is. Later in the evening I had an hour on WhatsApp with Rachel talking about my current health concerns and how to deal with stress. 

Then I had a message from Martin reporting the death of Fr Roy Doxsey, former Vicar of St German's and a great urban missionary priest. He was a school chaplain in Zambia and Brecon with an inspiring if traditional  non-trendy ministry to young people. 

We worked together as church appointed governors of Tredegarville school, and in the run-up to his retirement just after mine. That led to me doing long stints of vacancy duty at St German's for the next fifteen years under three different incumbents. Roy was the soul of hospitality the pastor who knew his community and was known and loved by the people whose lives he shared. A few years ago he was on his way home when he was hit by a car and seriously injured, with broken bones and head injury. He made a fair recovery, but was weakened by it, being a couple of years older than me. He was living independently until recently, but needed an increasing amount of support and care in the last year of his life. 

I'll remember him especially for ending his blessing of the people at a service by saying "the blessing of God almighty Father Son and Holy Spirit come down upon you and remain with you and all those you love, and ought to love, now and always." It was his recognition of the truth that as God's children we're all still a work in progress. May he rest in peace and rise in glory.

Covid enquiry report points the finger

The air temperature went down to minus one as the sky remained clear overnight, so I woke up to a bright sun on a decidedly wintry morning though with little frost. I had a much better quality night's sleep, awake for two hours out of nine in bed, nevertheless, and peeing a litre as well. I wonder if this is something to do with the body eliminating the remaining traces of the diuretic what has given me such grief? I guess I'll find out tomorrow night. At least I'm more relaxed from the rest I had, not experiencing the accumulated adrenaline rushed of half a dozen bladder wake up calls.

Kath phoned on her way to work. We chatted about switching broadband accounts, and the pros and cons of buy a smart TV with built in Freeview content. It's the next big decision I have to deal with. The trouble is, when I'm not feeling well, my ability to be decisive evaporates. I start thinking What's the point of it, when locked into the vicious cycle of decline due to the medication? Apart from high blood pressure, I think I'm recovering well from the stroke, maintaining fitness, eating well and resuming many normal activities. Is there a way to break out of this vicious cycle? For the moment I have abandoned the 'booster' hypertension drug regime which has had such a bad effect, and rely just on the Losartan I've taken to keep me stable for the past eighteen years. The question facing me is how to avoid over stimulus and anxieties that elevate my blood pressure? I think I'm my own worst enemy.

Dr Mullaney called at eleven thirty. Blood tests revealed that my sodium level is not as low now as it was. I told her that I had abandoned the medication causing continued low sodium. I asked her if it would be possible to look into an endocrine based drug that works as a trigger to control the sensation that awakens the need to pee more frequently than necessary. Sheila told me in church yesterday how helpful this had been to her Mike at the end of his life when diuretics were ruining his sleep. Dr Mullaney acknowledged it was worth looking into, and is arranging a consultation for me at UHW with a medication specialist in the light of recent blood test results. It's just a visit thankfully, not a hospital stay.

An electrician was sent by Care and Repair yesterday to look at raising the set of electrical sockets feeding various gadgets in lounge telly corner. A quote of £265 arrived by phone and email. Accessibility without too much risky awkward bending is worth paying for I suppose.

Outside this morning,  the noisy rumble of machines. Meadow Street's broken and uneven pavements are being resurfaced. Glad I don't have a car to find an alternative parking space for, as cars are banished from the street while the work is done. We had to stay in the house for a couple of hours until the new tarry pavement surface fully hardened. I wonder how long it will be before it will be broken to investigate another gas or water leak, ? These are not infrequent, although most of the supplying pipes have been replaced. That's not always the case within a property, and any disruption to the ground may have unexpected consequences. That's a problem with legacy infrastructure unfortunately.

I worked on next week's Biblical Reflection before lunch. Afterwards, I went into town. Buses from Llandaff Fields in the afternoon are so infrequent that I walked to Cowbridge Road instead and picked up a number 18 bus to town instead. I went to John Lewis' to look for a smart TV, and bought a Sony Bravia for just under three hundred quid. It's the same size as the non smart Sony Bravia it replaces and slimmer. I didn't fancy hunting for a taxi to get it home, so I walked with it to the Bus station and had to wait half an hour to catch a 25 bus. Traffic up Cathedral Road was so slow moving I got off the bus at the Berthwyn Street stop and walked home from there lugging the telly without seeing the bus overtake me. In the dark I got distracted by the awkwardness of carrying the seven kilo cumbersome package and missed the visual cue for the left turn into Llanfair Road and reached Meadow Street a longer way round. At least I didn't trip and fall in the dark with the telly! I didn't have the desire to get on with unboxing and installing it. That can wait until tomorrow.

After supper, I listened to the news reports about the Covid Enquiry Report, issued today. It's very critical of the government response described as 'too little too late', and of Boris Johnson's chaotic administration and poor decision making. It was clear there were serious relational and communication problems between central government and Celtic regional administrations. It boils down to arrogant, self-serving leadership failing the country at a critical time. One positive aspect about the response was the speedy research and development of an effective vaccine and its widespread distribution. It happens when people knuckle down and work hard together, and the scientific research community is very good at achieving its goals.

There was nothing of interest to spend the rest of the evening watching, so I went to bed early, tired by the exertion of getting the new telly back home on the bus.

. 

Saints' day muddles

A clear bright and sunny morning but there's a cold wind blowing. It's five degrees centigrade. I posted today's YouTube link for Morning Prayer to WhatsApp, having nearly forgotten, distracted by yet another awful night of much peeing and disturbed sleep. The Felodipine seemed to help at first, but the cumulative effect after a few days is as bad as with the other blood pressure meds I've taken. I decided to discontinue taking it and move the regular Losartan dose from afternoon to morning to see if it makes any difference and keeps me out of harm's way. I'm desperate for a restful night's sleep. 

On my way to St Catherine's for the Eucharist I called in at the surgery as I'm expecting a GP call about blood test results, I told the receptionist I wouldn't be in phone contact for the next hour, but It turns out I got the day wrong. I'll get a call tomorrow. We were seven for the Eucharist in honour of St Elizabeth of Hungary. The CofE Daily Prayer lectionary I use remembers St Hilda of Whitby today and the Reflection I wrote was about her and the synod of Whitby. The Church in Wales lectionary commemorated her yesterday. Date of death is most often the date a saint's day is observed, their 'heavenly birthday' as it's romantically described. In her case it's the 17th November, before both CofE and CinW dates! Hilda is celebrated on 23rd June by Anglican converts belonging to the English Catholic Ordinariat. The Roman  calendar groups together significant Anglo-Saxon abbesses, women at the forefront of evangelism in their day. Why the CofE and CinW should differ is odd. Another case of 'scholars differ' our theological college teachers used to say.

After coffee and chat I went home, collected the veg bag and went to Chapter to collect this week's order. Early lunch, then a visit to Parkwood clinic in Cathedral Road for an acupuncture treatment with Peter Butcher. The wait for a bus was far too long. I walked there before a bus could overtake me. Better than standing about waiting in the cold. I felt much better for the treatment, hopefully better able to respond to the medication change. It may be that my blood pressure tends to be too high because I am at times driven and anxious, and increasingly sensitive due to ageing and the impact of the stroke. Perhaps if I take more care about how I react to my environment and make sure to rest enough when demands are made of me, I can improve matters. But only if I can get adequate interruption free sleep! I certainly felt better after the treatment. It's easier to cope with everything else.

I went out to enjoy a sunset walk on a bright evening, and bought some chicken pieces at the Co-op to roast on my way home. After supper I started work on next Wednesday's Morning Prayer and Reflection. Rachel sent me a video of herself making a looped 'cello version of 'God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen' that she orchestrated live in situ. Amazing how she keeps the multi part score in her memory as she plays. What a gift! Clare gave me Reiki when I went to bed to help relax me. I'm apprehensive about the kind of night I'll have, free of the aggressive medication which has robbed me of so much sleep and hydration since the stroke.

Vicious circle

Another bad night of wakefulness, being dehydrated by the meds and as a result diarrhea, dehydrating me further. I was in bed for eight hours and awake for four. I called the surgery for an appointment and was given one face to face with Dr Mullaney and a student. Urgent blood tests were arranged immediately after, with a report to arrive for the GP later in the day. I may receive a call that leads to a hospital stay. I'm dreading this. Hospital wards are such a stress inducing environment, my blood pressure is bound to rise and more aggressive medication foisted upon me to bring it down. Another vicious cycle. Having run out of oral re-hydration tablets, I bought sachets at the pharmacy on my way home. I have an acupuncture appointment tomorrow lunchtime, and will try and delay going into hospital until I've had a treatment.

Clare made a veggie curry for lunch. Owain also had some with the portion of pasta he cooked last night. I rested for a while afterwards then walked a circuit of Llandaff Fields for an hour and a half to complete today's step quota. I saw Richard our park's rubbish collecting hero and we chatted, as we often do if we meet when the Fields are looking clean and tidy. I poured out my woes to him. He's a sympathetic listener.

Just after five Dr Mullaney called. This morning's blood test information hadn't arrived, so no conclusion has been reached over whether I need to be hospitalised or not. Also no conclusion about what is going on in my body. It's a matter of record now, that my kidneys are suffering and not working properly, but there's no proposal or plan about how to address this. Tomorrow I have an acupuncture appointment at lunchtime, which I can keep in the meanwhile. I'm relieved about this, confident it will do me good. If I do have to go into hospital later, it will help me get through the ordeal.

Owain returned to Bristol at the end of his working day, in which his team seems to have been rehearsing how they will deal with the volume of new website information they will have to deal with after next Tuesday's budget speech. I'm so glad he was able to change my Microsoft account login details, and brief me about starting a new broadband supply deal. It's lovely having him around the house and sharing meals with him occasionally. He's been helpful with shopping too. As I've been feeling poorly again the last few days, his support has been invaluable.

I decided to drink less water and tea than usual this afternoon and evening so there's less fluid for the diuretic effect of the meds to flush out of my system. I'll keep a cup of water by my bedside and add an oral re-hydration sachet to it, and sip from it when I wake up to pee with the aim of replacing salts which the meds are leaching out of my body during the night. After a light supper I sat and dozed. A celebrity archaeology programme was on, showcasing the excavation of a Roman fort on Hadrian's wall. It was fairly interesting but not much helped along by constantly chuckling women of a certain age, expressing amazement rather than curiosity. Rather dreary in my opinion. I wish I could have dozed off completely, but apprehension about what sort of night awaits me crept in and made me unsettled. 

Changes for the better

How lovely to wake up to a clear blue sky and sunshine! Chilly too. After breakfast, I phoned for a taxi to take me to UHW for my ECG heart scan appointment. The auto-booking system used didn't work properly and wouldn't cooperate. It gave me a panic to say the least. I called again, and this time a real human being answered, and a taxi was outside at half past ten. I arrived at the correct destination, relieved to be fifteen minutes early rather than rushing anxiously. Three quarters of an hour later, job done, I was on a slow bus into town on my way home. It was such a nice day, I could have walked, but after losing two and a half hours sleep in eight, I decided not to push myself too hard, and was home again by a quarter to one

A letter from the surgery awaited me when I arrived, asking me to join the 8:00 am phone queue for a 'non urgent triage appointment'. It's probably to tell me the result of blood tests which will report low blood sodium again. I will report how an acupuncture diagnostic indicated that my kidneys weren't working well and how much one acupuncture treatment resulted in restoring my natural energy level, so that I'm now feeling better than I have done for weeks. I think the felopidine anti-hypertensive medication is also working to keep me feeling more stable, less out of control. One way or another, the concoction of meds I take makes me pee a lot at night with a resulting loss of good sleep. 

I wrote to Dr Dyban to report that the medication change had been beneficial and about the improvement following from acupuncture treatment. I delivered the letter to the surgery on my walk after lunch which took me to Thompson's Park as the sun approached the horizon, lighting up the trees with an orange glow. I took a few photos but high contrast ones after editing weren't as good as I hoped for. There may be a camera option I have yet to find that would improve the chances of a better picture. I'm still learning how to get the most out of Olympus mirrorless camera settings.

On the way back home I called at the Co-op and bought a couple of beers to put in the fridge to welcome Owain. Unfortunately I didn't realise that I needed to shop for ingredients to cook supper for him, and the fridge didn't have the necessary vegetables for making a meal. When he arrived at half past six he had to go out again and do food shopping I should have done by way of preparation, so that he could have pasta with courgette, pepper and tomato sugo. What he cooked smelled delicious, enough for two meals.

Clare had an early evening meal then went out to choir practice. Owain and I ate together. After we'd eaten he changed my Microsoft account login details to eliminate use of an email address I'll lose when I close my TalkTalk account. In half an hour he made the necessary login changes and tested them out on both my Windows devices. I was impressed by the discipline and confidence with which he went about the job, and explained what he was doing as he worked. So reassuring! I would have been much slower and nervous about following this process. Poor eyesight makes me more error prone these days, increases the stress, and sends my blood pressure up. Rather than struggle, I'm learning to ask for help when I need it. It's a weight off my mind. I'm free now to focus on changing broadband provider. I should sleep easier tonight.

Getting ready to switch

The same pattern of disturbed sleep again. Nine and a half hours in bed, three hours awake. Inevitably I don't feel rested enough, but I feel better since the acupuncture and people say I look better. Overcast sky as usual and colder today. We went to the Eucharist at St Catherine's with about three dozen adults and ten lively children present. We heard that the costs of ministry and running a building have risen. We need to give at least fifteen quid a week each to ensure each priest gets paid. What we save on petrol by giving up the car will cover that. Next Saturday's Christmas Fayre leaflets are printed and ready for distribution. Clare has taken a pile for Severn Grove, a long street beside the Coop.

I relaxed in the armchair after lunch without dozing off, and chatted with Owain, who's coming to stay for a few days this week. Before I change broadband providers, I need to change my Microsoft account, so that security codes go to an account I use and have access to. A long time ago, perhaps fifteen years, I registered using the email address of my new broadband provider. I don't otherwise use it and will lose access to it when I switch. I'm not going to pay to retain an account for which I have no other use. I can't even remember why I set up my Microsoft account that way, it's so long ago. Microsoft cloud storage was called SkyDrive when I registered back then, in 2012. 

I've asked him to help me change the credentials of my Microsoft account to a different user identity when he comes. It looks straightforward but I'm nervous about doing it alone, in case I'm distracted and lose my way in the procedure. I also need to replace our TV digi-box as this will no longer work. A new smart TV with this facility built-in is probably the answer. Then, all I need is to change providers and buy into a broadband plus landline package. Kath is already advising me on this. Owain can only stay a few days. He has to return before Budget Day as HMRC communications staff are on stand-by to update the website in the light of tax changes revealed in the Chancellor's speech. 

I walked for an hour and a half in Llandaff Fields, after chatting with Owain, taking photos with my Olympus OMD-M1 of leaves that have turned colour without dropping and others fallen on the grass. The sky remained stubbornly clouded over and needed editing to bring out colours that sunshine would have highlighted.

I spent a couple of hours after supper backing up OneDrive folders of files to my 2TB hard drive attached to my laptop, to make sure that if I lose access to stuff I'm currently working with, I don't end up in a mess when I have a job to finish. I was certainly ready for bed by the time I completed this fiddly chore.

Anatomy of a local outage

Nine hours in bed, six hours sleep, but I didn't wake up feeling poorly or de-hydrated. It's an improvement. Cloudy but dry today also an improvement. After breakfast I occupied myself with making the Wednesday Morning Prayer video and uploading it. It was a frustratingly slow task, as Windows 11 Bluetooth refused to work with a mouse it clearly recognises. It will work with the Chromebook, but consistently complains on different devices of only having 5% battery left, even when loaded with a tested new battery. This may be why it struggles to connect to any computer. It forced me to use a spare wi-fi mouse which works, but its cursor movement isn't nearly accurate enough which makes it error prone. I have two other wireless mouses, (or is it really mice?) both of them are electronic waste awaiting disposal. And there's an old USB wired mouse which works but not as accurate as it was three decades ago.

I walked down to the river before lunch. Although a lot of rain fell this week the river level wasn't as high as I expected. Leaves on more of the leaves have turned yellow or fallen this past fortnight but there's still a mixture of olive green and gold in the tree canopies. Leaves in garden hedges are a delightful mixture of green, orange, gold and brown in some places, perhaps due to the relative mildness of the weather, and no sharp frost and cold wind to cause them to fall. A lovely sight. Prawns with veg stir fry and rice for lunch when I returned.

An Openreach engineer arrived at two. Me cancelling the appointment made no difference. Having an engineer there, rather than turn him away, I asked him to check our setup. His diagnostic device showed that the outage which affected us also affected those attached to the same pole, something to do with the routine maintenance. Our setup wasn't to blame. When a red light shone on our fibre optic port, the same was true for the others. Trouble is, many of them would have been at work by that time, not available to ask if they were affected. If it was clearly a group connectivity issue, an alert through the service provider to OpenReach would have resulted in prompt remedial action. It was worthwhile having the cancelled visit in the end, to learn this and have the house installation thoroughly checked.

Kath has been investigating broadband deals for me, and trying to figure out the most economical deal that covers TV, streaming services and landline rental is bewilderingly complex. I'm not looking forward to the chore of switching broadband providers, though it's very possible that doing so will save money and give us better service.

I went out for another walk in Llandaff Fields as the sun was setting set. How soon after it gets dark under cloud cover. I walked for an hour and returned in time to take my tea time medication, having completed my daily step quota, less tired today, and my heart rate is steadier, now that my kidneys are functioning the way they should.

A quiet evening of entertainment after supper plus a call from Rachel, an episode of Shetland and a couple of Juge Marianne watched on Chromebook. And then early bed. 

The stress unreliability causes

 Thank God for another good night's sleep with no physical repercussions. The internet was still down and I was obliged to spend most of the morning trouble shooting this using Direct messaging. This is difficult as the 4G signal is so poor in the front room where the fibre optic socket is located. The problem doesn't seem to be with my equipment, but somewhere away from the house. I started the process after breakfast and it took a couple of hours to get to the stage where I was given a booking for an OpenReach engineer visit. I had no alternative but to confirm the appointment, but within 20 minutes of doing so, the internet connection resumed. This requires me to go through the same rigmarole again to cancel, and I can't do it until this afternoon. Once, a few years back, I did need an engineer visit to install a new cable to the house and that went fine. The last time there was an outage the internet resumed while I was still on Direct Messaging. This time normal service resumed, when I was out of sight of the router, responding to an OpenReach text message on my phone about the booking.

In this system user must confirm OpenReach appointments but cannot cancel them without going through the service provider. TalkTalk now have a WhatsApp account for accessing the same messaging service. I tried to use it, but it requires you to install WhatsApp and refuses to recognise your existing WhatsApp account installation. It puts you into a closed installation loop. It's ridiculously bad, incompetent effort to provide a useful means of communication to clients. I wasted an hour and a half of my day Direct Messaging TalkTalk in a situation where 4G connectivity was weak and unreliable. The stress pushed up my blood pressure and I felt unwell because of this.

Sadly, the major obstacle to obtaining a better service is OpenReach which runs the infrastructure which provides internet services whether you use a 4G mobile device or a landline connection. Inevitably there are going to be times when the network is down for maintenance, but OpenReach doesn't warn each user of down times so they can plan workarounds. I wonder how much this waste of time costs the British economy? 

Society has become utterly dependent on data services and apps delivered on-line. AI tools and the data processing they require consume vast amounts of energy which has its own impact on the environment and contributes to global warming. The infrastructure along which processed data is delivered, like road highways, get congested. Breakdowns and hacks can have catastrophic consequences,  yet we put such faith in their ability to work the way we expect. In my tiny experience, when something relied on so heavily fails, the sense of being helpless and out of control in managing routine affairs on-line is most distressing. I think this entire chaotic setup is not a healthy one for its users.

I think it's time to make an effort to rid myself of the services of TalkTalk, and find something better, more consistently stable. I've started looking at the U-Switch website, and when Owain comes next week I'll enlist his help to find a suitable account to deliver the services I need, and make the change.

It's rained for most of the day, often heavily. I needed fresh air and exercise., but walking in waterproof trousers, managing a brolly with a broken spoke in strong gusts of wind, led to more broken spokes. Not only were drains and gutters flooded but pavements too. Un-mended potholes were driven through with no concern for pedestrians and soaking them. It was daunting. I went out before sunset after finally cancelling tomorrow's OpenReach engineer house visit. It was dark when I returned Some of my step quota was done pacing up and down the house instead. Rain reduced to light drizzle at ten, so I went out and walked again for half an hour to complete my step quota before bed, still wound up in reaction to the stress caused by today's outage. Hoping that a night walk and physical tiredness will help me sleep.