Encouraging news for Clare

Early mist dispersed, and the sun shone through high cloud patches. A good night's sleep, but not long enough. Another day when I don't seem to be able to drink water enough to avoid feeling slow and thick headed. A letter from the Post Office announcing a revamp of my on-line Post Office Money Card account arrived in the morning mail. This meant logging in, but the login routine rejected the memorized password and refused to recognise the email address used to set up the account. Owain kindly emailed the helpline with an enquiry that would reveal if the letter I received was genuine or a fake, attempting to steal security details. I received an email later in the day advising me to phone the helpline. I made up my mind to visit the Post Office and report this occurrence, cancel the Money Card and close the account. 

The card only has two dozen euros on it, and it's unlikely I'll be travelling abroad in the foreseeable future, given the inevitable rise in holiday travel insurance I'll face now. I've accepted that my European locum duties are at an end. Concern about the health risks entailed in deploying elderly clerics was expressed when I offered to take a Sunday service at Madremanya last Spring before the stroke. It's been a lovely experience of voluntary ministry in Switzerland, Italy and mainly in Spain for the past fourteen years for which I'm most grateful. I don't want to risk being a liability to others, aware I'm not really well enough to engage in public ministry or make plans that look a long way forward. Christmas involving train travel to  Kenilworth and a hotel stay will be enough to look forward to over the winter months. It's disappointing to lose independence and become risk averse - unavoidable in the light of what I'm living through these days.

I went shopping before lunch and bought some AAA batteries as the one in our voltage detector was dud.. A pack of them I thought were dead were all unused, fully charged.

Owain Clare and I visited the Memory Clinic in St David's Hospital for a consultation with specialist about Clare's memory loss condition - what she sometimes calls her 'forgettery'. It didn't start well, being directed to the wrong clinic on arrival. Owain was proactive about enquiring after sitting in an empty outpatients' waiting room for a quarter of an hour. Eventually we were directed to the right place and met the medic who was waiting to see us. He reviewed the results of Clare's detailed psychological testing many months ago, and was positive about data which showed how little cognitive decline there had been. He showed us brain scan results from a PET scan, which reflected her good test performance. There had been a problem arranging a follow up scan, due to administrative changes which had not been communicated to Clare, but somehow lost in the system. Just as well the kids chased the Memory Clinic for answers. The follow up scan will now take place, but there's less anxiety about it now. The specialist conducted a follow up memory test which showed little change in cognitive performance. Though the PET scan is still needed, it will provide physical data that will corroborate the psychological test findings.

At the end of the session, Owain left us to return to Bristol for  a team festive social event post budget and Clare and I walked home in the dark, feeling better for the reassurance given us by the Memory Clinic visit. When I returned home from a short walk to complete my daily step quota, Kath was on the phone explaining to Clare how to get the new telly to complete an aerial scan, which it couldn't. I tried without success to get the telly to scan the antenna input after inserting the aerial cable in the back of the set. What I didn't understand was that it now needs a digital signal antenna plugged as analogue signals are no longer broadcast.  Thankfully Kath understood this and explained it to me. It's not been a good day for me technically. I'm finding these things too stressful at the moment.

I relaxed with an episode of 'Juge Marianne' on Channel Four Walter Presents after supper and was ready for bed by the time it was over, tired out.

New Telly installed at last

Cold, bright and sunny with frost on car windows when I posted today's YouTube link to WhatsApp Daily Prayer thread, but another night of sleep loss, making for a miserable start. I was delighted to see an Instagram posting from Kath, showing the cover of the Heart of England Community Foundation annual yearbook which features her successful Sonrisa Arts production 'Dance in the Dark' with an accompanying article about the show aimed at families with early years children. Impossible not to feel proud of my daughter's innovative artistic work with children, and on other occasions with old people too.

I went to the Eucharist at Saint Catherine's. We were seven this morning. After coffee and a chat I collected this week's veggie bag from Chapter and cooked rice, savoury veg and prawns for lunch. Clare was shopping in town. I couldn't shake off the tiredness and needed a couple of hours sleep in the chair to rid myself of the drowsiness. Then I walked down Cathedral Road to Parkwood Clinic for an Acupuncture appointment with Peter Butcher at half past five. Another good session, so walking home was less effort than walking there. He said the tiredness I was experiencing could well be the body's natural response to a lower level of adrenalin, the genuinely physical call to convalescence, more rest, a slower pace and so on. People tell me to take it easy but it's not easy when you have a lot that needs sorting out to get your affairs in order. I admit I'm prone to frustration and panic if I feel I can't get things under control.

As we were relaxing after supper, Owain turned up, straight from work to spend a couple of days 'working from home' here. Hopefully he can help me get a few things sorted out when he's off duty. In fact, he made a good start by setting up the new Sony Bravia Android internet telly which has been in its box since I bought it a fortnight ago. I haven't felt confident about doing this with poor concentration and fatigue haunting me for months. Owain unboxed it and ran the set-up routine. This requires use of a phone or laptop to sign into the channels we have an account with. Owain did this for me as fatigue was slowing down my perception and thought processes causing me unwanted stress. It only took half an hour with him in charge. I would have taken far longer if I'd been muddling through on my own and struggling to read small print text on screen or paper.

We enjoyed watching an episode of 'Shetland' and the ten o'clock news and then it was bed time, and more much needed rest.

Gecko in the ski bag

Another grey rainy day after another night short of sleep. At least my sleep quality is better so I don't feel quite so bad when I get up. Clare's study group arrived for their session after breakfast, and I sat in the lounge and edited Morning Prayer audio recorded last night. Then I went out to get some fresh air before lunch and walked for an hour without realising. Long suffering Clare had cooked lunch by the time I got home. I went to bed and slept for an hour. I seem to need seven hours a day to have enough good energy to enjoy the rest of the day's activity.

As my best reading spec's fell apart on Sunday after losing an essential screw, I thought it would be a good idea to take them to the University School of Optometry for repair, and book an eye test as well. I'm due for my annual eye test this time of year, but should have had another cataract operation a few days after I had the stroke so it had to be cancelled and remains on hold. Blood thinner medication causes problems with the drugs used in eye operations apparently. Hopefully this will be reviewed in the light of the eye test, to allow me back on to the list for cataract surgery.

I took a bus as far as Sophia Gardens aiming to walk through Bute Park to Corbett Road to my destination but found the direct route through the park to Cathays closed, fencing in the Winter Wonderland 'son et lumiere'. Following the cycling route add a half mile to the walk. I think it's outrageous to deny citizens access to a public park given by Lord Bute a century ago. It's the second time this year public access has been curtailed for commercial purposes. It may be due to the Council's attempt to shore up City finances ruined by inflation and past government cut-backs, but it ends up generating resentment and ill-will, which does nobody any political good. It added twenty minutes to my journey to the Optometrists, too close for comfort with closing time approaching.

I was glad to have my spec's repaired and returned to me in the short amount of time I was arranging the eye test appointment for next week. I didn't fancy walking home through the park in the dark with the noise and garish illumination of the fenced off Winter Wonderland in the background. I walked to North Road to take a bus to the town centre and another from the bus station back to Romilly Road. Not a pleasant experience in the pitch dark having to wait for every time consuming change of pedestrian traffic lights on the route. Just as well it wasn't raining or cold and windy. The route indicator on the bus wasn't working to announce the stops. It was difficult to work out where the bus was going to stop next as street lighting didn't help to make places distinguishable, looking out from inside a well lit bus. It was a relief to get back to the neighbourhood streets I know better from walking in the dark.

After supper, Clare watched a video on our telly and I worked on next week's Morning Prayer slide show video for uploading to YouTube. I like to be ahead in preparing this in case something goes wrong and I'm not feeling as well as I must be to get stuff ready well before it's needed.

I had a phone call with Rachel who's in the throes of de-cluttering her shed. She found a disintegrating ski bad with Clare's cross country ski kit and several sets of rusting downhill skis and batons, dating from our trip to Canada when I retired in 2010. The bag was also home to a charming family of geckoes! I've walked a lot and done a lot today, and am ready for bed.

 then needed to get a bus

Mint print glitch

A dark day of persistent wind and rain, so demoralising. A night plagued by stiffness in my neck muscles affecting my head and more sleep loss. I went back to bed after meds and breakfast. It made no difference. It was just a struggle against exhaustion and frustration. I had a document to print, but Linux refused to cooperate with my multi-function lazer printer, and no amount of troubleshooting could persuade it to do anything at all. The ink cartridge needed changing, which I did. The printer showed I'd done it correctly, but it still refused to accept a print command. Then I tried printing a document from the Chromebook over wi-fi, which I've done successfully before. Nothing. Fortunately I found a workaround solution. There's a couple of USB-B ports on the Chromebook for attaching a printer cable. It recognised the device and then printed the document immediately. If I can't find a way to uninstall and reinstall the Linux print software, I'll have to go through the hassle of reinstalling the full operating system.

Clare cooked mackerel fillets with corn-on-the-cob for lunch, an unusual combination. After a frustrating morning, I had to rest after eating and slept for an hour and a quarter. It was getting dark by the time I went out for a walk in the wind and the rain fighting with a brolly. Utterly miserable. It wouldn't have been so bad if I'd been able to find my rain trousers. They turned up after the event in a bag I don't recall putting them in. Clare went out to choir practice after supper. As it had stopped raining I went out and walked for an hour to get some fresh air.

Then I chatted with Owain and watched a couple of episodes of 'Juge Marianne' until bed time.

Advent recollection

A sunny start to the day, a good night's sleep though not really long enough. I woke up feeling refreshed but the combination of meds I'm taking still made me feel woozy until I'd eaten breakfast and started my walk to church in the fresh air. 

I love Advent Sunday, its readings and hymns. It has been special for me since I was a first year student on my first retreat with St Paul's CofE Society organised a Chaplaincy retreat in a Salisbury convent run by a small community of nuns. That Advent Sunday was the climax of my first 48 hour weekend in silence, aged 18. It was an initiation into the mystery of keeping vigil during hours of darkness, sensing the divine presence, discovering the Word in silent stillness, wonder and even quiet humour, an invitation to look at the world in a different way. It awakened me to priesthood and a call to become an ambassador for Christ present in our midst, while still coming to meet us, in the natural world, in each other and the majesty of the cosmos.A time of quiet joy vividly recalled sixty years later. Though not as intense as Easter Day, it shed light on the risen Lord's affirmation - "Lo I am with you always, to the end of time." 

After lunch I slept for three quarters of an hour, then went out feeling refreshed and walked until dusk. I started recording next Wednesday's Morning Prayer when I returned, while I had the energy to do so. Then we went to the Ministry Area Advent Carol service at St Catherine's. We were about fifty in the choir and congregation combined. Numbers were less than expected as there was a concert in St John's this evening. I don't understand how a date clash like that can occur. It's not much of an advertisement for collaborative ministry,

After the service I felt tired. I had a headache, and was in need of food as I did when I got up this morning. Low blood sugar maybe? I felt chilled and needed to stay wrapped up warm. Is it the onset of 'flu? I hope not. Rachel called after supper and we chatted for an hour, until it was time to go to bed, wondering what's going to happen next.

Photos - informing or story telling?

Waking up to a cold sunny day after a broken night's sleep, leaving me to start the day feeling tired and unusually hungry, which is rather strange, but may be something to do with the impact of the medication mix on my digestive system. I had a bowl of porridge oats with almond milk and walnuts, to get me going, followed by Saturday breakfast pancakes. Clare went out to the Steiner school Christmas fayre leaving me to languish in an armchair and recover enough energy to face the rest of the day. 

Ann asked me in church last Wednesday about staying in Nerja. She and Paul are booking a holiday there. I promised to send her some photos I've taken when I've been there on locum duty. Many of the albums are no longer on Google Photos for space saving reasons. I don't want to pay for space. Google is already making enough money out of me by harvesting usage data for analysis of trends that can be used to pitch promotional adverts to me. A large proportion of my thousands of archived photos now occupy space on devices I own. I still keep a lot in Google Photos or in a Microsoft account - whatever seems convenient to me if I need handy access to them. I decided it would be better to go through my Nerja photos and collect the ones of interest into one labelled Google Photos album. Easier said than done however. It took several hours to retrieve the ones I wanted and upload them and the concentration required was tiring. After a tuna and mayo sandwich lunch, I completed the job and sent an album link to Ann. 

I found myself looking at the photos in a detached way, wondering if they would convey an impression of the place and its round of community events and activities in several key venues. Many of my photos are of flowers, birds and landscape that caught my attention. They don't really add much to the visual story of a lovely holiday venue for someone who has yet to visit the place. I realise these photos serve as a prompt for my place memories, and this would work differently for each person viewing the album depending on whether they have visited Nerja or had their interest and curiosity aroused. We'll see.

After all that intense concentration I needed to walk for a couple of hours to clear my head. The sunset was less than an hour away when I started, and it was dusk when I got home. I cooked fish with crinkly cabbage, carrots and couscous for supper. I realised as we ate that I was much more thirsty than I noticed earlier. Perhaps the reason for feeling tired since I got up. It's hard to get the balance right. I spent the rest of the evening relaxing, watching a couple of episodes of 'Juge Marianne' on Walter Presents, until bed time.

Too complex

I slept soundly, but not really for long enough, though I can't complain at waking up to clear sky and bright sunshine. I didn't wake up in time to phone the surgery at eight, but relaxed sleeping without being driven by the anxiety of an eight o'clock phone queue deadline may be more beneficial. Clare went out to a physio appointment after breakfast. I recorded Advent Morning Prayer and a Reflection for Wednesday next and was still editing when Clare returned, and was grateful she got busy cooking lunch while I finished the job. I slept in an armchair for a refreshing hour and a quarter after we'd eaten, then walked for an hour and a half until dusk.

I had a phone chat with Owain. I only picked up his call because the phone was vibrating in my pocket, with no ringtone, for no reason I could discern. We started our chat with Owain taking me through a WhatsApp troubleshooting session. Problem sorted now hopefully. Until the next time there's an update.

After supper I made the video slideshow for next week's Morning Prayer and uploaded it to YouTube. The job was made annoyingly difficult by the refusal of the Microsoft cloud based Video maker app to display added images saved in the project. The OneDrive file system synchronisation can be quirky on times, making copies of existing files that aren't needed, consuming file space and making it more difficult to find a file in the mess left behind. I would gladly replace the Microsoft video making app with one that runs on Linux, but there's nothing I can find that isn't more complex and demanding than it needs to be. Oh for elegant simplicity and user friendliness to enhance routine workflow! When I'm offered a plethora of configuration choices in any app, I risk forgetting what I need to use the app for anyway. So many more things seem difficult to get to work or have control of nowadays. Perhaps it's just my advancing age. 

Impersonal service

I wrote a note to my GP last night expressing concern about the leaky wound scar in my perineum. Like the terrifying nose bleeds I had a couple of months ago, it's a side effect from blood thinning meds I'm on. It was nearly midnight when I got to bed. I was awake for three hours of the nine I stayed in bed, mostly the hours before dawn, a poor night's sleep. I was tired after breakfast and though I felt sleepy I couldn't doze off again for more than a few minutes. I don't know why, as I feel more relaxed since I started acupuncture treatment.

I didn't feel like doing much and dozed in the armchair after breakfast until I recovered enough energy to have a shower and wash my hair. Then, a walk around to the surgery with the letter. Later I had a response from the surgery receptionist instructing me to ring up and book an appointment tomorrow morning at eight. I protested that waking up early enough to wait twenty minutes in a booking queue with no certainty of an appointment is stressful if you're unwell, but my protest fell on deaf ears. 

Despite presenting a printout of the Water Bill for payment at the Post Office, Clare was unable to pay it as the printout I gave her lacked a bar code to scan. Although it contained the account reference number and name a paying-in slip with bar code was required, so that the visible information on the bill could be scanned and used, rather than entering by hand. This was after queuing for twenty minutes to be served. What sort of service is this?

While Clare was on her way back from her failed mission, I prepared veg to cook for lunch with delicious swordfish steaks. After eating I printed the page from the water bill pdf containing a payment slip for the amount of the bill with the unnoticed relevant bar code. So much for user friendly means of in-person bill payments. This presumes everything that can be done electronically or on-line should be. My eyesight post-stroke is not as good as it needs to be for following on-line procedures. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for people who lose their sight in later life, as Clare is slowly, due to glaucoma.

I walked in Llandaff Fields during the sunset hour. It was overcast and started to drizzle as it cooled down once the sun behind the cloud slipped below the horizon. After supper I watched a couple of episodes of 'Shetland' and then wrote an Advent Reflection for next Wednesday's Morning Prayer. Then it was time for bed.

Adrenalin excess impact

Another bright cold autumnal day. I slept fairly well but not as long as I hoped for. I posted the YouTube link to today's Morning Prayer on WhatsApp and got up at nine. We were eight for the Saint Catherine's Eucharist. I left the veg bag collection to Clare as I had a blood test at the surgery after the service. After a savoury lunch of lentils, carrots fried with onions and rice, I walked to Parkwood clinic for an acupuncture appointment with Peter Butcher. Physically speaking I'm a lot better for his treatment of my kidneys, but my confidence has taken a knock, and left me anxious about making on-line payments. There's a water bill to pay and I couldn't face doing it on-line. I found the pdf of the invoice and printed it off later in the day, so it can be paid at the Post Office counter instead, to minimise the possibility of error. I've never been in a state of mind like this before, and woke up feeling anxious about it in the early morning. 

Fortunately, Peter is an experienced therapist. It was helpful talking things through with him. The events of the past five weeks have led to surviving crisis after crisis on sheer adrenaline, so when things don't work out as intended or I encounter difficulties I don't understand, the fight - fright - flight animal instinct kicks in irrationally and maybe without reason, affecting me physically. It's a vicious cycle I have to learn how to break. I feel I need a respite and try to avoid facing things. Hence a workaround solution with bill paying. 

Peter said that kidneys have adrenal glands located on top of them which regulate blood pressure, metabolism, and stress response. They've been working flat out. As the kidneys recover so do the glands. On times they may discharge and generate negative sensations or trauma flashbacks, a bit like a cat or dog shudders as it recovers from loud firework bangs. This offers a valuable insight into what I've been going through. I have to be patient and give it time.

After the session my head was clear and calm. I enjoyed a walk in Llandaff Fields on my way home the hour before sunset. Clare made delicious soup for supper, with freshly harvested beetroot from this week's veg bag. After supper I started work on next Wednesday's Advent Morning Prayer. It has come around so soon! The CofE Daily Prayer app hasn't yet been updated to include the first week of a new liturgical year. The Church in Wales lectionary app was able to supply the proper readings, and I found in my archive the Advent daily office liturgical framework. A fiddly job, but the text is now ready to record.

I learned from the Church Times report on the latest meeting of the Church in Wales Governing Body that there was an impasse in the process of nominating a new Bishop of Bangor, following the controversy and contention aroused by scandal at Bangor Cathedral which led to the resignation of Archbishop Andy John. It's been decided to appoint an interim Bishop of Bangor familiar with the Province but from outside. It would be someone who is already a Bishop, who is prepared to guide the diocese through the painfully difficult and unenviable task of reviewing its life and understanding what went wrong.

I spent the rest of the evening pondering on my conversation with Peter, and resolved to take the next step of facing my phobic reactions slowly, carefully when I feel the time is right and not throw myself at this problem and end up going out of control again.

Sunset in Thompson's Park

Another cold and sunny autumnal day. I slept fairly well, nearly seven hours. Ten hours in bed, two hours awake for peeing in the night and an hour half awake listening to 'Thought for Today' and the morning news. The volume of pee is half what it was two weeks ago, just about, so I don't need to drink as much to re-hydrate. I'm still getting used to the impact of the other meds I take in the morning. I no longer have the strong diuretics totally ruining my sleep so that I wake up feeling poorly and am perhaps more sensitive to the passage of the meds into my blood stream to do their job. I think the blood thinners make me sleepy. It's best just to go with the flow, not push myself and only make an effort to be active when I feel ready.

A lovely photo on WhatsApp from Kath and Anto on the beach this sunny morning in Barcelona before their flight home after the Children's Theatre conference they attended in Sabadell.

Clare went to her study group in Penarth, and I prepared veg and hake fillets to steam for lunch when she returned. After we'd eaten, I worked on tomorrow's Morning Prayer video slideshow. I was just finishing it when Marc arrived. Trust the video maker app to start being uncooperative and not properly complete the task as I was welcoming Marc. Clare and I walked with him to Thompson's Park. We sat on a bench and watched the sun set, then came home for Earl Grey tea and chocolate biscuits as it got dark. After Marc left us, I went out again before supper to complete my daily step quota in the dark. As I walked down Llandaff Fields on my way back the waxing crescent moon appeared as it neared the western horizon, chasing the sun. I'm more used to seeing it rise from the eastern horizon. It was quite a surprise. When I got back, I uploaded the completed video to YouTube ready for tomorrow.

After supper we watched an edition of 'The Morecambe and Wise Show', a tape recording lost for fifty years rediscovered and remastered for today's tellies. Traditional Music Hall laugh-out-loud entertainment, unsophisticated often puerile humour, if not politically correct for the era of Cancel Culture. We must have watched it on our black and white telly when we were in Birmingham and the girls were at the Nursery School in Selly Oak. Happy days indeed.

Anxiety at reversing a decision

The sky was clear when I woke up, but clouded over mid morning. More rain to come. Last night's sleep was less worse, thanks to eating less  at supper time, though I still needed to drink plenty of water when I got up to avoid a foggy head. I had porridge and bacon for breakfast to  compensate for blood sodium loss. Admittedly I peed half as much volume as I have been doing this last couple of months, an improvement, but was still awake for nearly three hours out of ten in bed. I'll have another blood test on Wednesday. I'll find out then if there's been any change at all. 

I can't seem to escape worrying about this commitment we've made to install solar panels. Even though the offer looks sound, I have nagging doubts I can't quite put my finger on, and am getting distressed by them. When I went for a walk after lunch I talked with Owain about it. He understood, and reassured me that if I was having misgivings it was possible to pull out of the contract. Clare had been in touch with the company about changing our combi gas boiler to an electric boiler, which it seems can be done for little or no added cost as part of the deal. It seems there are grants for doing this. 

Owain was doubtful about what this would achieve as electric water boilers are notoriously expensive to run, and would reduce the benefit from home solar generated power export to the grid. A casual remark about solar power use in our area led me to inspect roofs in our neighbourhood when I was walking around. I couldn't spot any. Maybe this is due to the alignment of houses along a northeast-southwest axis. Hardly ideal for solar panels unless they are state of the art high efficiency ones. Few houses in our area may have roof surfaces optimally oriented, and that may explain the reason there's scant evidence of roof top solar panels around us. Are we ready to be early adopters of new kit yet to live up to the energy production claims made for our neighbourhood in all good faith?  By the end of the afternoon Clare too was having misgivings, so we decided to cancel the contract, and hopefully have our deposit refunded without any hassle. 

Perhaps I felt so bad about Saturday's decision to proceed as it's something we both want to happen. I was unable to get a grasp on appropriately informed questions at the presentation session. I was feeling poorly and thinking too slowly and disjointedly to think critically.

Anyway, I'm less anxious and agitated about it now that my instinctive risk aversion and caution have had their impact.

Clare had supper even earlier than me as she was going to choir practice. I recorded and edited this week's Morning Prayer and Reflection while she was out, thankful I could concentrate on the task after an emotionally topsy turvy anxious day in which I hardly recognised myself. 

Now the decision has been taken, I think I shall sleep better tonight after a light supper again, as that's what seems to suit me now.

Sleep loss

By the time I went to bed last night I started worrying about our decision to have solar panels installed and whether we'd given it enough thought. As a result I lay awake for half the night on top of the usual sleep interruptions to empty my bladder. It's no wonder I felt poorly during this morning's Parish Eucharist.  My fitbit is warning me about overdoing it too. I left straight after the service, bought potatoes and grapes in the Co-op and came straight home. 

The congregation was double its usual size with family, friends and lots of extra children attending a baby's baptism. It's good to see that many families are still following social conventions if not faith conviction when it comes to family christenings. It's clear many of the adults are not used to participating in regular worship. I hope they come away from church with a good impression. The pandemic hit church attendance hard, baptism, weddings and funerals included. Church survey reports speak of small signs of reversal in the attendance decline, but nothing yet to impact on the catastrophic decline witnessed in my lifetime.

I confess I would have preferred a quieter Early Communion service instead today. Clare opted to attend the afternoon Welsh language Eucharist instead. After lunch I slept in the armchair for an hour and then walked for three quarters of an hour, and slept in the chair again when I returned. Today has felt like being on an overnight long haul flight, striving to get some rest, and a little exercise walking up and down the aisle to stretch the legs and maintain blood circulation. 

I watched the Matthew Bourne production of Tchaikovsky's 'Sleeping Beauty' after a lighter supper of fruit and chicken only, determined to avoid my digestion working overtime, and allowing me a better night's sleep. I certainly need it.

Going for solar

Overcast sky, cold and rain today. A good night's sleep, seven and three quarter hours, best sleep quality in months, and less volume of pee overnight, two days after stopping the 'booster' hypertension meds whose toxic impact on my body is diminishing. I woke up feeling a little hazy. Saturday breakfast pancakes with honey or marmalade soon cleared my head. My blood sugar must have been a bit low as well. At eleven a representative of PlanetBloom arrived. It's a solar panel installation business. 

Clare had arranged a visit for a sales presentation. It's a matter we explored a few years ago, at a time when solar panel efficiency was far less than it is now. We didn't pursue it as it was too costly to be economically viable. Given the recent advances and lowering of prices as more households adopt solar power the situation has changed, and we are in a position to save money on our total energy costs. 

We decided to go ahead and order an installation. When it came to paying the deposit, I must have made a mistake with the on-line bank transfer. We paid by card over the phone. Then I found myself locked out of our joint bank account and had to go through a long security check to establish my on-line banking credentials. I had to look at bank statements and receipts to establish account ownership successfully. It was very unnerving, but the person answering the helpline was most patient with us in the midst of all our confusion and chaos. I don't need this level of stress while I'm recovering from the medication nightmare of the past couple of months.

After a late lunch I walked in Llandaff Fields until dusk and completed my daily step goal. Clare cooked spinach and vegan cheese pizza for our supper. Both Owain and Rachel phoned for a chat. Kath and Anto are in Barcelona for a conference about children and theatre, part of Kath's research in preparation for the next Sonrisa Arts project. It's a pity they can't meet up with Veronica and John, as Veronica is recovering from her knee joint replacement surgery and still in hospital learning how to walk. Another early night for me tonight, no telly.

Life's end for a loved missionary pastor

Sub zero temperature overnight, and a chilly start to a bright sunny day. I had a fairly restful night's sleep. Nine and a half hours in bed, two hours sleep lost due to my bladder. I'm peeing less overnight than I was before, but suspect I'm still dehydrating at night as my bowel motion is quite fluid. It may have something to do with blood thinners interacting with other medication, affecting digestive system chemistry. I'm not yet properly stable. After breakfast I was overwhelmed with tiredness and slept in the armchair for another hour. All I can do is listen to my body and accept its demands and resist pushing myself. 

I had a message from Veronica who had her knee replacement operation yesterday. It sounds as if it was technically demanding because of the extent of bone wear and tear. She's being fed a lot of pain control medication at the moment and kept in hospital over the weekend.

Former government politicians were interviewed about criticism of their actions by the Covid Report on the Today programme, giving them an opportunity to account for their actions while in office. Reports of misbehaviour in the 10 Downing Street office, it's bound to reawaken anger over botched decision making leading to so many untimely and perhaps unnecessary deaths. On Woman's Hour later on interviewee who witnessed the damaging effect of government isolation policy on elderly people in care homes, called for Boris Johnson to be barred as unfit to stand for public office again. He resigned as Prime Minister and MP after the 'Partygate' lockdown scandal and didn't stand in last year's General Election. Would he dare now?

There was a discussion with Michael Gove about covid quarantine rules and their enforcement, in which it was noted that Sweden's covid death rate was lower relying on voluntary compliance to similar rules. The explanation he offered for this was that social and economic inequality in Sweden is less than in Britain. This influences the state of health for those suffering deprivation and poverty. It was an almost casual remark, but a strong indictment of UK society and its distribution of wealth.

I cooked the veg for lunch while Clare was out shopping and forgot to start the fish cooking at the same time, my brain was feeling a bit scrambled. Clare quickly noticed however and with a joint effort we had lunch on time, more or less. Troubling news came in as we were about to eat of the conviction for bribery of the leader of the Welsh Brexit, UKIP and Reform Parties Nathan Gill. He was paid cash sums by a Russian propaganda agent to make pro-Russian statements in the European Parliament and media  in Ukraine as a Brexit party MEP. He was even a Senedd Member for two years. Aiding and abetting a foreign adversary is nothing short of treason. It's most embarrassing for far right political parties in Britain. Presumably there will be some sort of enquiry into how a 'fifth columnist' could rise to leadership in this way. How much did MI5 and MI6 know about this? since it's been going on for several years.

I walked in the park after lunch until the sun set and completed my daily step target. It was cold, but fresh air did me good. I had an hour and a half WhatsApp conversation with Roy Thomas in Madrid. He tried to call me a couple of times while I was out walking but for some odd reason my phone didn't alert me - not even by buzzing. It wasn't on 'Do not disturb'. I don't know what the problem is. Later in the evening I had an hour on WhatsApp with Rachel talking about my current health concerns and how to deal with stress. 

Then I had a message from Martin reporting the death of Fr Roy Doxsey, former Vicar of St German's and a great urban missionary priest. He was a school chaplain in Zambia and Brecon with an inspiring if traditional  non-trendy ministry to young people. 

We worked together as church appointed governors of Tredegarville school, and in the run-up to his retirement just after mine. That led to me doing long stints of vacancy duty at St German's for the next fifteen years under three different incumbents. Roy was the soul of hospitality the pastor who knew his community and was known and loved by the people whose lives he shared. A few years ago he was on his way home when he was hit by a car and seriously injured, with broken bones and head injury. He made a fair recovery, but was weakened by it, being a couple of years older than me. He was living independently until recently, but needed an increasing amount of support and care in the last year of his life. 

I'll remember him especially for ending his blessing of the people at a service by saying "the blessing of God almighty Father Son and Holy Spirit come down upon you and remain with you and all those you love, and ought to love, now and always." It was his recognition of the truth that as God's children we're all still a work in progress. May he rest in peace and rise in glory.

Covid enquiry report points the finger

The air temperature went down to minus one as the sky remained clear overnight, so I woke up to a bright sun on a decidedly wintry morning though with little frost. I had a much better quality night's sleep, awake for two hours out of nine in bed, nevertheless, and peeing a litre as well. I wonder if this is something to do with the body eliminating the remaining traces of the diuretic what has given me such grief? I guess I'll find out tomorrow night. At least I'm more relaxed from the rest I had, not experiencing the accumulated adrenaline rushed of half a dozen bladder wake up calls.

Kath phoned on her way to work. We chatted about switching broadband accounts, and the pros and cons of buy a smart TV with built in Freeview content. It's the next big decision I have to deal with. The trouble is, when I'm not feeling well, my ability to be decisive evaporates. I start thinking What's the point of it, when locked into the vicious cycle of decline due to the medication? Apart from high blood pressure, I think I'm recovering well from the stroke, maintaining fitness, eating well and resuming many normal activities. Is there a way to break out of this vicious cycle? For the moment I have abandoned the 'booster' hypertension drug regime which has had such a bad effect, and rely just on the Losartan I've taken to keep me stable for the past eighteen years. The question facing me is how to avoid over stimulus and anxieties that elevate my blood pressure? I think I'm my own worst enemy.

Dr Mullaney called at eleven thirty. Blood tests revealed that my sodium level is not as low now as it was. I told her that I had abandoned the medication causing continued low sodium. I asked her if it would be possible to look into an endocrine based drug that works as a trigger to control the sensation that awakens the need to pee more frequently than necessary. Sheila told me in church yesterday how helpful this had been to her Mike at the end of his life when diuretics were ruining his sleep. Dr Mullaney acknowledged it was worth looking into, and is arranging a consultation for me at UHW with a medication specialist in the light of recent blood test results. It's just a visit thankfully, not a hospital stay.

An electrician was sent by Care and Repair yesterday to look at raising the set of electrical sockets feeding various gadgets in lounge telly corner. A quote of £265 arrived by phone and email. Accessibility without too much risky awkward bending is worth paying for I suppose.

Outside this morning,  the noisy rumble of machines. Meadow Street's broken and uneven pavements are being resurfaced. Glad I don't have a car to find an alternative parking space for, as cars are banished from the street while the work is done. We had to stay in the house for a couple of hours until the new tarry pavement surface fully hardened. I wonder how long it will be before it will be broken to investigate another gas or water leak, ? These are not infrequent, although most of the supplying pipes have been replaced. That's not always the case within a property, and any disruption to the ground may have unexpected consequences. That's a problem with legacy infrastructure unfortunately.

I worked on next week's Biblical Reflection before lunch. Afterwards, I went into town. Buses from Llandaff Fields in the afternoon are so infrequent that I walked to Cowbridge Road instead and picked up a number 18 bus to town instead. I went to John Lewis' to look for a smart TV, and bought a Sony Bravia for just under three hundred quid. It's the same size as the non smart Sony Bravia it replaces and slimmer. I didn't fancy hunting for a taxi to get it home, so I walked with it to the Bus station and had to wait half an hour to catch a 25 bus. Traffic up Cathedral Road was so slow moving I got off the bus at the Berthwyn Street stop and walked home from there lugging the telly without seeing the bus overtake me. In the dark I got distracted by the awkwardness of carrying the seven kilo cumbersome package and missed the visual cue for the left turn into Llanfair Road and reached Meadow Street a longer way round. At least I didn't trip and fall in the dark with the telly! I didn't have the desire to get on with unboxing and installing it. That can wait until tomorrow.

After supper, I listened to the news reports about the Covid Enquiry Report, issued today. It's very critical of the government response described as 'too little too late', and of Boris Johnson's chaotic administration and poor decision making. It was clear there were serious relational and communication problems between central government and Celtic regional administrations. It boils down to arrogant, self-serving leadership failing the country at a critical time. One positive aspect about the response was the speedy research and development of an effective vaccine and its widespread distribution. It happens when people knuckle down and work hard together, and the scientific research community is very good at achieving its goals.

There was nothing of interest to spend the rest of the evening watching, so I went to bed early, tired by the exertion of getting the new telly back home on the bus.

. 

Saints' day muddles

A clear bright and sunny morning but there's a cold wind blowing. It's five degrees centigrade. I posted today's YouTube link for Morning Prayer to WhatsApp, having nearly forgotten, distracted by yet another awful night of much peeing and disturbed sleep. The Felodipine seemed to help at first, but the cumulative effect after a few days is as bad as with the other blood pressure meds I've taken. I decided to discontinue taking it and move the regular Losartan dose from afternoon to morning to see if it makes any difference and keeps me out of harm's way. I'm desperate for a restful night's sleep. 

On my way to St Catherine's for the Eucharist I called in at the surgery as I'm expecting a GP call about blood test results, I told the receptionist I wouldn't be in phone contact for the next hour, but It turns out I got the day wrong. I'll get a call tomorrow. We were seven for the Eucharist in honour of St Elizabeth of Hungary. The CofE Daily Prayer lectionary I use remembers St Hilda of Whitby today and the Reflection I wrote was about her and the synod of Whitby. The Church in Wales lectionary commemorated her yesterday. Date of death is most often the date a saint's day is observed, their 'heavenly birthday' as it's romantically described. In her case it's the 17th November, before both CofE and CinW dates! Hilda is celebrated on 23rd June by Anglican converts belonging to the English Catholic Ordinariat. The Roman  calendar groups together significant Anglo-Saxon abbesses, women at the forefront of evangelism in their day. Why the CofE and CinW should differ is odd. Another case of 'scholars differ' our theological college teachers used to say.

After coffee and chat I went home, collected the veg bag and went to Chapter to collect this week's order. Early lunch, then a visit to Parkwood clinic in Cathedral Road for an acupuncture treatment with Peter Butcher. The wait for a bus was far too long. I walked there before a bus could overtake me. Better than standing about waiting in the cold. I felt much better for the treatment, hopefully better able to respond to the medication change. It may be that my blood pressure tends to be too high because I am at times driven and anxious, and increasingly sensitive due to ageing and the impact of the stroke. Perhaps if I take more care about how I react to my environment and make sure to rest enough when demands are made of me, I can improve matters. But only if I can get adequate interruption free sleep! I certainly felt better after the treatment. It's easier to cope with everything else.

I went out to enjoy a sunset walk on a bright evening, and bought some chicken pieces at the Co-op to roast on my way home. After supper I started work on next Wednesday's Morning Prayer and Reflection. Rachel sent me a video of herself making a looped 'cello version of 'God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen' that she orchestrated live in situ. Amazing how she keeps the multi part score in her memory as she plays. What a gift! Clare gave me Reiki when I went to bed to help relax me. I'm apprehensive about the kind of night I'll have, free of the aggressive medication which has robbed me of so much sleep and hydration since the stroke.

Vicious circle

Another bad night of wakefulness, being dehydrated by the meds and as a result diarrhea, dehydrating me further. I was in bed for eight hours and awake for four. I called the surgery for an appointment and was given one face to face with Dr Mullaney and a student. Urgent blood tests were arranged immediately after, with a report to arrive for the GP later in the day. I may receive a call that leads to a hospital stay. I'm dreading this. Hospital wards are such a stress inducing environment, my blood pressure is bound to rise and more aggressive medication foisted upon me to bring it down. Another vicious cycle. Having run out of oral re-hydration tablets, I bought sachets at the pharmacy on my way home. I have an acupuncture appointment tomorrow lunchtime, and will try and delay going into hospital until I've had a treatment.

Clare made a veggie curry for lunch. Owain also had some with the portion of pasta he cooked last night. I rested for a while afterwards then walked a circuit of Llandaff Fields for an hour and a half to complete today's step quota. I saw Richard our park's rubbish collecting hero and we chatted, as we often do if we meet when the Fields are looking clean and tidy. I poured out my woes to him. He's a sympathetic listener.

Just after five Dr Mullaney called. This morning's blood test information hadn't arrived, so no conclusion has been reached over whether I need to be hospitalised or not. Also no conclusion about what is going on in my body. It's a matter of record now, that my kidneys are suffering and not working properly, but there's no proposal or plan about how to address this. Tomorrow I have an acupuncture appointment at lunchtime, which I can keep in the meanwhile. I'm relieved about this, confident it will do me good. If I do have to go into hospital later, it will help me get through the ordeal.

Owain returned to Bristol at the end of his working day, in which his team seems to have been rehearsing how they will deal with the volume of new website information they will have to deal with after next Tuesday's budget speech. I'm so glad he was able to change my Microsoft account login details, and brief me about starting a new broadband supply deal. It's lovely having him around the house and sharing meals with him occasionally. He's been helpful with shopping too. As I've been feeling poorly again the last few days, his support has been invaluable.

I decided to drink less water and tea than usual this afternoon and evening so there's less fluid for the diuretic effect of the meds to flush out of my system. I'll keep a cup of water by my bedside and add an oral re-hydration sachet to it, and sip from it when I wake up to pee with the aim of replacing salts which the meds are leaching out of my body during the night. After a light supper I sat and dozed. A celebrity archaeology programme was on, showcasing the excavation of a Roman fort on Hadrian's wall. It was fairly interesting but not much helped along by constantly chuckling women of a certain age, expressing amazement rather than curiosity. Rather dreary in my opinion. I wish I could have dozed off completely, but apprehension about what sort of night awaits me crept in and made me unsettled. 

Changes for the better

How lovely to wake up to a clear blue sky and sunshine! Chilly too. After breakfast, I phoned for a taxi to take me to UHW for my ECG heart scan appointment. The auto-booking system used didn't work properly and wouldn't cooperate. It gave me a panic to say the least. I called again, and this time a real human being answered, and a taxi was outside at half past ten. I arrived at the correct destination, relieved to be fifteen minutes early rather than rushing anxiously. Three quarters of an hour later, job done, I was on a slow bus into town on my way home. It was such a nice day, I could have walked, but after losing two and a half hours sleep in eight, I decided not to push myself too hard, and was home again by a quarter to one

A letter from the surgery awaited me when I arrived, asking me to join the 8:00 am phone queue for a 'non urgent triage appointment'. It's probably to tell me the result of blood tests which will report low blood sodium again. I will report how an acupuncture diagnostic indicated that my kidneys weren't working well and how much one acupuncture treatment resulted in restoring my natural energy level, so that I'm now feeling better than I have done for weeks. I think the felopidine anti-hypertensive medication is also working to keep me feeling more stable, less out of control. One way or another, the concoction of meds I take makes me pee a lot at night with a resulting loss of good sleep. 

I wrote to Dr Dyban to report that the medication change had been beneficial and about the improvement following from acupuncture treatment. I delivered the letter to the surgery on my walk after lunch which took me to Thompson's Park as the sun approached the horizon, lighting up the trees with an orange glow. I took a few photos but high contrast ones after editing weren't as good as I hoped for. There may be a camera option I have yet to find that would improve the chances of a better picture. I'm still learning how to get the most out of Olympus mirrorless camera settings.

On the way back home I called at the Co-op and bought a couple of beers to put in the fridge to welcome Owain. Unfortunately I didn't realise that I needed to shop for ingredients to cook supper for him, and the fridge didn't have the necessary vegetables for making a meal. When he arrived at half past six he had to go out again and do food shopping I should have done by way of preparation, so that he could have pasta with courgette, pepper and tomato sugo. What he cooked smelled delicious, enough for two meals.

Clare had an early evening meal then went out to choir practice. Owain and I ate together. After we'd eaten he changed my Microsoft account login details to eliminate use of an email address I'll lose when I close my TalkTalk account. In half an hour he made the necessary login changes and tested them out on both my Windows devices. I was impressed by the discipline and confidence with which he went about the job, and explained what he was doing as he worked. So reassuring! I would have been much slower and nervous about following this process. Poor eyesight makes me more error prone these days, increases the stress, and sends my blood pressure up. Rather than struggle, I'm learning to ask for help when I need it. It's a weight off my mind. I'm free now to focus on changing broadband provider. I should sleep easier tonight.

Getting ready to switch

The same pattern of disturbed sleep again. Nine and a half hours in bed, three hours awake. Inevitably I don't feel rested enough, but I feel better since the acupuncture and people say I look better. Overcast sky as usual and colder today. We went to the Eucharist at St Catherine's with about three dozen adults and ten lively children present. We heard that the costs of ministry and running a building have risen. We need to give at least fifteen quid a week each to ensure each priest gets paid. What we save on petrol by giving up the car will cover that. Next Saturday's Christmas Fayre leaflets are printed and ready for distribution. Clare has taken a pile for Severn Grove, a long street beside the Coop.

I relaxed in the armchair after lunch without dozing off, and chatted with Owain, who's coming to stay for a few days this week. Before I change broadband providers, I need to change my Microsoft account, so that security codes go to an account I use and have access to. A long time ago, perhaps fifteen years, I registered using the email address of my new broadband provider. I don't otherwise use it and will lose access to it when I switch. I'm not going to pay to retain an account for which I have no other use. I can't even remember why I set up my Microsoft account that way, it's so long ago. Microsoft cloud storage was called SkyDrive when I registered back then, in 2012. 

I've asked him to help me change the credentials of my Microsoft account to a different user identity when he comes. It looks straightforward but I'm nervous about doing it alone, in case I'm distracted and lose my way in the procedure. I also need to replace our TV digi-box as this will no longer work. A new smart TV with this facility built-in is probably the answer. Then, all I need is to change providers and buy into a broadband plus landline package. Kath is already advising me on this. Owain can only stay a few days. He has to return before Budget Day as HMRC communications staff are on stand-by to update the website in the light of tax changes revealed in the Chancellor's speech. 

I walked for an hour and a half in Llandaff Fields, after chatting with Owain, taking photos with my Olympus OMD-M1 of leaves that have turned colour without dropping and others fallen on the grass. The sky remained stubbornly clouded over and needed editing to bring out colours that sunshine would have highlighted.

I spent a couple of hours after supper backing up OneDrive folders of files to my 2TB hard drive attached to my laptop, to make sure that if I lose access to stuff I'm currently working with, I don't end up in a mess when I have a job to finish. I was certainly ready for bed by the time I completed this fiddly chore.

Anatomy of a local outage

Nine hours in bed, six hours sleep, but I didn't wake up feeling poorly or de-hydrated. It's an improvement. Cloudy but dry today also an improvement. After breakfast I occupied myself with making the Wednesday Morning Prayer video and uploading it. It was a frustratingly slow task, as Windows 11 Bluetooth refused to work with a mouse it clearly recognises. It will work with the Chromebook, but consistently complains on different devices of only having 5% battery left, even when loaded with a tested new battery. This may be why it struggles to connect to any computer. It forced me to use a spare wi-fi mouse which works, but its cursor movement isn't nearly accurate enough which makes it error prone. I have two other wireless mouses, (or is it really mice?) both of them are electronic waste awaiting disposal. And there's an old USB wired mouse which works but not as accurate as it was three decades ago.

I walked down to the river before lunch. Although a lot of rain fell this week the river level wasn't as high as I expected. Leaves on more of the leaves have turned yellow or fallen this past fortnight but there's still a mixture of olive green and gold in the tree canopies. Leaves in garden hedges are a delightful mixture of green, orange, gold and brown in some places, perhaps due to the relative mildness of the weather, and no sharp frost and cold wind to cause them to fall. A lovely sight. Prawns with veg stir fry and rice for lunch when I returned.

An Openreach engineer arrived at two. Me cancelling the appointment made no difference. Having an engineer there, rather than turn him away, I asked him to check our setup. His diagnostic device showed that the outage which affected us also affected those attached to the same pole, something to do with the routine maintenance. Our setup wasn't to blame. When a red light shone on our fibre optic port, the same was true for the others. Trouble is, many of them would have been at work by that time, not available to ask if they were affected. If it was clearly a group connectivity issue, an alert through the service provider to OpenReach would have resulted in prompt remedial action. It was worthwhile having the cancelled visit in the end, to learn this and have the house installation thoroughly checked.

Kath has been investigating broadband deals for me, and trying to figure out the most economical deal that covers TV, streaming services and landline rental is bewilderingly complex. I'm not looking forward to the chore of switching broadband providers, though it's very possible that doing so will save money and give us better service.

I went out for another walk in Llandaff Fields as the sun was setting set. How soon after it gets dark under cloud cover. I walked for an hour and returned in time to take my tea time medication, having completed my daily step quota, less tired today, and my heart rate is steadier, now that my kidneys are functioning the way they should.

A quiet evening of entertainment after supper plus a call from Rachel, an episode of Shetland and a couple of Juge Marianne watched on Chromebook. And then early bed. 

The stress unreliability causes

 Thank God for another good night's sleep with no physical repercussions. The internet was still down and I was obliged to spend most of the morning trouble shooting this using Direct messaging. This is difficult as the 4G signal is so poor in the front room where the fibre optic socket is located. The problem doesn't seem to be with my equipment, but somewhere away from the house. I started the process after breakfast and it took a couple of hours to get to the stage where I was given a booking for an OpenReach engineer visit. I had no alternative but to confirm the appointment, but within 20 minutes of doing so, the internet connection resumed. This requires me to go through the same rigmarole again to cancel, and I can't do it until this afternoon. Once, a few years back, I did need an engineer visit to install a new cable to the house and that went fine. The last time there was an outage the internet resumed while I was still on Direct Messaging. This time normal service resumed, when I was out of sight of the router, responding to an OpenReach text message on my phone about the booking.

In this system user must confirm OpenReach appointments but cannot cancel them without going through the service provider. TalkTalk now have a WhatsApp account for accessing the same messaging service. I tried to use it, but it requires you to install WhatsApp and refuses to recognise your existing WhatsApp account installation. It puts you into a closed installation loop. It's ridiculously bad, incompetent effort to provide a useful means of communication to clients. I wasted an hour and a half of my day Direct Messaging TalkTalk in a situation where 4G connectivity was weak and unreliable. The stress pushed up my blood pressure and I felt unwell because of this.

Sadly, the major obstacle to obtaining a better service is OpenReach which runs the infrastructure which provides internet services whether you use a 4G mobile device or a landline connection. Inevitably there are going to be times when the network is down for maintenance, but OpenReach doesn't warn each user of down times so they can plan workarounds. I wonder how much this waste of time costs the British economy? 

Society has become utterly dependent on data services and apps delivered on-line. AI tools and the data processing they require consume vast amounts of energy which has its own impact on the environment and contributes to global warming. The infrastructure along which processed data is delivered, like road highways, get congested. Breakdowns and hacks can have catastrophic consequences,  yet we put such faith in their ability to work the way we expect. In my tiny experience, when something relied on so heavily fails, the sense of being helpless and out of control in managing routine affairs on-line is most distressing. I think this entire chaotic setup is not a healthy one for its users.

I think it's time to make an effort to rid myself of the services of TalkTalk, and find something better, more consistently stable. I've started looking at the U-Switch website, and when Owain comes next week I'll enlist his help to find a suitable account to deliver the services I need, and make the change.

It's rained for most of the day, often heavily. I needed fresh air and exercise., but walking in waterproof trousers, managing a brolly with a broken spoke in strong gusts of wind, led to more broken spokes. Not only were drains and gutters flooded but pavements too. Un-mended potholes were driven through with no concern for pedestrians and soaking them. It was daunting. I went out before sunset after finally cancelling tomorrow's OpenReach engineer house visit. It was dark when I returned Some of my step quota was done pacing up and down the house instead. Rain reduced to light drizzle at ten, so I went out and walked again for half an hour to complete my step quota before bed, still wound up in reaction to the stress caused by today's outage. Hoping that a night walk and physical tiredness will help me sleep.

Broadband outage frustration

I slept more soundly, far better than I have done for a while, but was still aroused in the early hours by the newd to pee - as much as I have done for months since the stroke, due to these medications I'm taking, but I came through feeling refreshed,  clearer headed and not lethargic, thanks to acupuncture! 

I didn't push myself to do much until mid-morning when I recorded and edited this week's Reflection and Daily Office for St Hilda. It's a bit irksome with my impaired eyesight at the moment. The mouse cursor readily gets lost in the upper left of the screen and I have difficulty recognising where it is to retain mouse control. Maybe if I work my eyes with persistence the exercise will improve my vision, re-establishing disrupted connections in the brain. Talking of which, our broadband is off-line. Such a nuisance. Only yesterday TalkTalk announced a price rise. Is it time to swap service providors?

For now I have to go upstairs to get a 4G signal to continue working, then shuttle files between phone and computer with a USB drive. We've become utterly dependent on stable internet for everything we do. No good can come of this. I'm wondering if the present outage is an infrastructure issue, a hacking crisis, or a solar flare disrupting every internet connected device.

Both Kath and Owain called for a chat this morning. Rachel tends to call at night due to the time zone difference. 

I cooked cod with sweet potatoes leeks and carrots for lunch. Afterwards a siesta in bed for a change, before going for a walk in the park. While I was out I started thinking I should brief my sister about the power of attorney signing application. I sent her a message - at least I can get a 4G signal outdoors. When I got home, I got the signed documents together to send to June. I decided to send a copy of an email from the Public Guardian's Office explaining how to deal with the problem. 

It was more difficult off-line than I expected. First find the email you want to print, on your phone, next download a copy you can transfer to a USB stick, not as straightforward as you expect. The phone user interface is too fiddly and complex to make this easy. I have a super little USB drive with a B interface at one end, C at the other, to enhance transfer from phone to computer. It worked fine, though I had trouble finding the file as there's so much stuff on his handy little utility. Once I did, I printed the email copy to include with other documents to mail to my sister, then headed out in the dark to the Post Office. It was empty, a few minutes before closure. What luck, considering time wasted getting the email printed. 

I went to the Coop for fresh chicken thighs to roast. Success despite the frustrations, grateful that getting the job done didn't exhaust me. I spent the evening relaxing, watching an old black and white movie of 1953 on BBC Four called 'Desert Rats' about the siege of Tobruk in the North African campaign of World War Two. So many soldiers with Received Pronunciation accents, stilted dialogue and an all male cast. I remember seeing it on telly when I was a boy, over 65 years ago. A classic low key celebration of courage and stubborn endurance in a post-war war movie. 

Acupuncture to the rescue

Well, the change of medication made no difference to the disturbed sleep nor to the dehydrating effect the medication has on me. Woke up early and lay low as long as I could, the posted the YouTube link to WhatsApp Prayer thread at half past eight.

 I drank a liter of water at breakfast time, before my morning dose and heading out to St Catherine's for the Eucharist on a damp dull day. We were today. We chatted over a cuppa afterwards. Clive signed as witness to my signature of the Lasting Power of Attorney document for my sister, which I must now send it back to her, having followed instructions emailed by the Office of Public Guardian last week. I'm not sure how successful I was explaining this to her.

Ann offered me a lift to my lunchtime acupuncture appointment with Peter Butcher. I accepted gratefully as my energy level is low. Then I went to pick up this week's veggie bag from Chapter and returned home for lunch. When Ann dropped me off in Cathedral Road near Parkwood Clinic, I had difficulty identifying the place and walked in the wrong direction on the correct side of the street. Not every house has a visible number plate. The clinic has a large blue sign in the front garden. I must have walked straight past it when I left her car. She spotted my error, parked her car, chased after me and took me where I needed to go. So very kind and thoughtful of her. It's another instance of visual impairment related to my memorised map.

 The same thing happened on my way to collect the veg bag. My brain fails to process properly and link what I can see nearby with remembered routines. It's quite disturbing, seeing things and not recognising them. I had such a good memory for navigating places in time past. I have to learn how I can rebuild it, rather than getting lost and needing Google Maps to steer me to my destination. It's much worse when I'm exhausted, and in poor light. 

I had a great acupuncture session with Peter. He treated me when I had the anal abscess and the doxazosin was having the same impact on my bodily functions. He explained what he did at each step, which I find most helpful. He found that my kidney function had degraded so they were struggling to cope with their job of filtering blood loaded with different meds. Thankfully I respond well to acupuncture, so I felt better when we parted company, clearer headed and not dragging my feet. We have another session together next Wednesday. I slept in the chair for an hour when I got home. Just what I needed.

I met Clare coming out of Llanfair Road on my way back. She was going into town to buy a new blender as the one we've had for years has given up the ghost. I thought it had blown a fuse, but that was a result of its electric motor burning out. I wonder how long this one will last? It only cost twenty five quid, a lot less than its predecessor a decade ago.

After supper a wrote a Reflection for next Wednesday Morning Prayer about St Hilda and the Synod of Whitby which was more historical than biblical. An unusual departure for me, an interesting challenge. And so to bed, wondering if today's treatment will result in undisturbed sleep free of the distress of coping with a racing heart.

Medication on trial

I was awake for three hours of eight in bed, and peeing far too much. It's the end of my disastrous course with Doxazosin. I move on to felodipine instead today We'll see what difference it makes. I made an effort to drink more than a litre before breakfast, and at least my head was clear afterwards, when it was time to take the first dose of this new trial medication. I had a text message from Canna Pharmacy to tell me that part two of the prescribed course of slow release doxazosin had arrived. 

After breakfast, I went to the pharmacy with all the unused packs of the tablets I'd received - some of them three months worth, to hand them in and renounce the late arriving packet. I'm so relieved to see the back of them. If anything I've felt more sick and exhausted on these meds than any other I've dutifully taken. Perhaps I didn't complain early enough. 

I forwarded to my sister several digital albums of Jasmine's photos taken on her Japan trip. She's turning out to be a gifted photographer, I'm glad she's aiming to do a photographic course at University. Her next journey abroad will be in Europe, including Holland this time.

Next, food shopping. I needed to go home to get a rucksack and take a respite from exhaustion and sleep loss. I went to Tesco's and walked back with a heavy load of plant milks, kefir and fruit, being careful not to push myself. The new tablets are causing me to feel a bit light headed, but nothing more that I'm aware of. Exhaustion is causing me to make more typing errors than usual, and affecting my very short term memory. I cope badly with distraction, and have to concentrate more when out walking unless I'm on a route I habitually use. I had to use Google maps to get me to the pharmacy. It's as if my memorised map is breaking up. It's something to do with my eyesight I think, no longer as sharp as it has been all my life.

I slept in the chair for nearly two hours after lunch, then went out and walked for an hour in Llandaff Fields at sunset. It was dark by the time I got home, feeling better for exercise which didn't drain me of energy. The new meds haven't had the same impact as the ones I stopped taking. I hope it stays like that.

After supper I watched a couple of episodes of 'Juge Marianne', French police procedural set on the Cote d'Azur with a feelgood comedy side to it. It's an interesting way to showcase the many faceted role of a 'juge d'instruction' or examining magistrate in the French legal system, who oversees investigations and decides when charges can be brought against on offender. Entertaining, not too intense a watch. I have little interest in heavy complex stories at the moment. Then early bed, hoping for a better night's sleep.

Another change of medication

Another horrible night of restless sleep disturbed by my bladder, and palpitations as a result of low blood sodium. Even if I use oral re-hydration tablets in the night, it's not enough to prevent recurrence. I had to drink a litre of water when I got up, to compensate for fluid loss, and still felt exhausted and unwell. I rang the surgery at eight for an appointment, and was given one linked to the blood and blood pressure tests I was already booked in for. 

On my way there, I heard the now familiar cry of a man with a white van touting for items with his tinny loudspeaker, like fridges and cookers, for recycling as scrap metal. It took me back to childhood, when we would hear the sing-song call in our village of the totter, as they were called, 'Rags and bones, rags and bones, any old rags and bones!' This one calls out "Scrap by yeuur!" For a fee, the Council recycling team will arrange to take away large redundant items for scrap. I wonder if this competitor for recyclable metal is authorised? 

I was seen by Dr Dyban, who has returned to the practice recently, It's good to welcome her back and surprisingly be remembered by her. She was on my case when I had the anal infection five years ago. I remember having similar problems with doxazosin back then, though not as bad as this time. She decided I should stop taking it, and prescribed felodipine instead, the slow release version. The pharmacist said it was on order, but was due to be delivered this afternoon. Just as well, as the doxazosin I'm taking is a slow release version, so I'll have to wait until it's cleared from my system. I expect another disturbed night before I can start taking the replacement. Let's hope it works. I feel that stroke recovery is going well for me apart from the blood pressure medication nightmare. It's been a real setback.

Although I felt tired, I summoned up enough energy to record and edit Wednesday's Morning Prayer and Reflection. Clare cooked sausages with reheated roast spuds left from yesterday for lunch. Comfort food on an autumn day. I slept a while after lunch before going to collect my prescription from the pharmacy. It was already getting dark as I made my way home, conscious of my field of vision impairment in low light and how it affects my sense of distance from objects on my left side, causing me to bump into lamp posts and brushing parked car mirrors.

Clare went out to a community choir rehearsal at the Methodist church. I had supper on my own. Then Owain rang, and we chatted until Clare returned.

Then I made the video slide show recording of Morning Prayer and uploaded it to YouTube, and went to bed happy to have achieved something fairly demanding and not exhausted myself by the necessary concentration. 

Poorly again

Last night I drank chamomile tea when Clare and Kath drank Prosecco. I paid for my ignorance today and wish I hadn't. It amplified the diuretic effect of the medication. The sodium level in my blood count went down even further, giving me a racing heart and palpitations, keeping me awake and anxious. The night started well enough. I relaxed into deep sleep only to be awakened by my full bladder. I felt really ill by the time I was due to get up and go to church, despite oral re-hydration, extra salt, and my prescribed blood pressure medication. It's Rachel's birthday today, so I sang her a birthday greeting on Whats App at twenty past seven before getting up. That's twenty past midnight for Rachel.

Another overcast damp day with spates of heavy rain showers, though it was dry when I went out to church and back. I walked there despite feeling rotten, fearing it might be my last chance to participate in a Eucharist. It took me longer than usual to get there, and arrived as the first hymn gave way to the Act of Remembrance. My heart slowed down by the time we received Communion, though I still felt shocked. I returned home straight after the service, feeling weak and tired.

Kath booked me an acupuncture appointment with Peter Butcher this Wednesday. She also showed me some acu-pressure points on the ear which you can massage. While listening to the sermon, I took turns to hold each ear between thumb and forefinger. I think it helped to alleviate the mild panic I feel because of the symptons I experience.

Peter was very good for me when I visited him, battling anal infection with high blood pressure. I was first prescribed doxazosin as a booster for my regular blood pressure meds at that time. It had the same impact six years ago as it does now. Acupuncture helped then, I hope it will again.

Kath left us after lunch. She has to visit Owain on her way home to retrieve an Amazon order which accidentally acquired his mailing address instead of hers and couldn't be cancelled. She's going over to Bristol to have lunch with him and collect the parcel. Clare and I will be home alone again. Kath's been a tower of strength to us organising and facilitating on our behalf this week. I admit that I'm going to feel vulnerable, without her support.

I spent the remainder of the day sitting around doing nothing. My heart started racing again after supper and I took another oral re-hydration drink and it slowed down. I'm not sure what the blood pressure medication is doing to me or meant to do. I still feel like it's poisoning me.

Recovering

For the first time in months I slept most of the night fairly relaxed, undisturbed by my bladder, thanks to the new slow release blood pressure medication. I really needed this respite to help me recover from the stressful impact of dehydration. Hopefully the outcome will be more normal blood pressure with reduced risk of another stroke. I feel like I've been teetering on a tightrope since I returned from hospital with a double dose of hypertension meds along with the rest of the stuff I now have to take.

After breakfast Kath took me through applying for Lasting Power of Attorney with the three children taking responsibility for our affairs if we become unable to. It's a lengthy fiddly process, and I'm glad Kath was here to facilitate it. I doubt I would have been able to do this myself. 

We walked to Victoria Park in sunshine for a coffee before lunch. I volunteered to cook a paella and bought peppers to use on our way home. Kath went out and bought prawns to add to fish pie mix from the freezer and I started on it when we got back. It was slow going, reminding myself of how to do it carrying out preparatory steps and composing a suitably gentle mix of spices, as we'd run out of paella mix. All three of us were pleased with the result, sadly without an accompanying glass of Rioja in my case. It was dark by the time we finished. It was a small  achievement, good for the morale.

I abandoned my daily step quota deciding to spend the rest of the day idleness, to help recover from the past week, physically punishing in its way. We didn't do much for the rest of the evening apart from the girls drinking a bottle of Prosecco snacking on vegan and dairy cheeses. We watched a new episode of Scottish crimmie 'Shetland' and then all retired to bed early.

More medication misery

 I woke up with the usual symptoms of dehydration after another night, disrupted half a dozen times by the need to empty my bladder, feeling poorly, heart racing. I dissolved two oral re-hydration tablets in water and drank them. The impact of the new medication was so drastic I queued for an appointment with the doctor and got one at twenty past ten. I didn't take the tablet prescribed and told the doctor I thought it was too risky, its effect was worse than the one I begged to replace it with on Wednesday. She prescribed a slow release version of the original instead to see if that will make a difference. 

The pharmacist across the road from the surgery didn't have any, nor did the Boots pharmacy in Canton. I was told Boots in town didn't have enough for a full prescription, so I went to the Canna pharmacy. Being exhausted by lack of sleep and stressed from with effect of rising blood pressure, I lost my way going from one pharmacy to the other and had to navigate with my phone a route I thought I was familiar with. When I arrived I was told they could only give me a week's supply, which I accepted, though it means having to make another trip to collect the meds in a few days time. I took a pill as soon as I got home and sat in the chair waiting for it to take effect and the symptoms to subside.

Clare returned from town with a bag full of fish from Ashton's, and we had a light lunch. Kath is coming for the weekend, so we'll have a cooked meal tonight. I checked my medication stock and realised I could soon run out of items originally prescribed by the hospital. On my visit to the pharmacy this morning I mistakenly handed in my prescription request there instead of at the surgery. Processing a request left at the pharmacy can take up to a week. After lunch I returned, retrieved the request form and took it over the road and posted it in the correct box, so I can get the prescription and have it made up on Monday instead. My head is really muddled at the moment, from sleep loss amongst other things. My fitbit is exhorting me to rest more! It's not done that before. 

Once I completed my daily step quota walking in the neighbourhood, I lay low for the rest of the day. We had salmon soup for supper, with apple tart to follow. Delicious!

Kath arrived at half past eight. she had trouble parking locally. It's often hard to find a place Friday evenings, but worse tonight, as extra people are arriving early before a cross country running competition in Llandaff Fields tomorrow. An annual nuisance for residents. We chatted over a glass of rioja afterwards. I abstained because of the meds and had to settle for just a sniff of its dense fruity aroma. At eleven we all headed for bed, with my hoping and praying for a less disturbed night and proper sleep. 

Remembering Ibiza in spring

Overcast again today. Still not sleeping well. Switching to new blood pressure medication today, hoping it won't dehydrate me like the ones I've taken for the past few months. I dissolved an oral re-hydration tablet in water and drank it as soon as I got up, determined to avoid the sickening palpitations I've had for weeks due to the meds I've now stopped taking. The replacement once a day pill must be taken over half an hour before breakfast, so I lay the table, make porridge and toast after taking it with the others on my daily list. Anyway, I felt much better for the change later in the morning. 

Having run out of printed versions of  my medication schedule. It's a shorter simpler list than it was when I returned from hospital, but I still need to use a tick sheet to ensure I take them. Although my memory is not bad, I can easily be distracted when performing routine tasks. The discipline of ticking boxes on paper keeps me from uncertainty and error. I printed off a dozen sheets on the back of sheets used earlier, good enough for the purpose. My Linux Mint workstation notified me of updates, and this led to an upgrade to the latest Mint edition, code named Zara. 

Once the update was completed I looked through an album of photos taken during my stay in Ibiza in 2021.  I enjoyed re-reading my account of the covid lockdown arriving on the island. Despite the anxiety of the time, the photos were a lovely reminder of a long retreat at the chaplaincy house, surrounded by fields full of wild flowers and countryside, as winter turned into spring. Given the imposed limitations on mobility, much of my time spent in the finca of C'an Bou was devoted to observing the environment in detail with its green lizards on the patio and geckos on walls and ceilings indoors, insects and occasional migratory birds pausing on their way elsewhere. My three month stay was a unique experience of living close to nature. I think it reshaped my relationship to God's Creation in a way I remain grateful for.

I cooked sea bass with steamed veg for lunch, with purple cabbage which still wasn't really soft after a long time in the steamer. Pressure cooker next time. After a rest, a walk in Llandaff Fields, returning home at sunset. I still hadn't walked  enough so after a cup of tea, I went out again as it got dark to  finish my daily quota. I went to the Co-op to buy chicken and grapes. I didn't have my phone with me so I couldn't benefit from the discount on both items. I was very annoyed with myself.

After supper I wrote a Biblical Reflection for next Wednesday's Morning Prayer on the part of the Sermon on the Mount about treating each other with respect, and being reconciled when we hurt each other. That took me until bed time.

Medication hunt

Another damp grey day. I got up and drank lots of water and had salt with my porridge but it didn't make any difference. I felt worse after taking routine medication. The blood thinner works like a laxative which  together with the aggressive diuretic effect of the blood pressure pills causes my heart to race and makes me feel very poorly and stressed. Heaven knows what impact of the other meds I'm taking contribute to the way state I'm in. I feel like I'm being poisoned by them.

I made an effort to attend the Eucharist at St Catherine's, thinking that if my condition is uncontrollable it could be my last Communion. What else could I do but surrender my life, heart, soul and body, to the One from whom I received it. There were only four of us today. On my way out, I couldn't find my house keys. I searched everywhere when I got back. Eventually they turned up in a rain jacket pocket that it examined earlier without identifying them, tucked in a corner.

I went straight to the surgery the service to find out if I could see a doctor for a second opinion about the medication. I was told to expect a telephone call. It arrived shortly after I got home, tired and stressed. I spoke about the impact of the pills and emphasised how this treatment was making me feel worse day by day. I said that I wanted to avoid going to A&E as previous experiences were so stressful and exhausting and did nothing to reduce my blood pressure. I was given a face to face appointment after lunch. 

It took a long time for my heart to settle down and my head to clear, and felt better for eating a meal. After a rest I went to the surgery and had my blood pressure taken. No cause for concern. I was prescribed some oral rehydration tablets, and a new medication to replace the aggressive one. The pharmacy opposite was closed. I went to the one on Cowbridge Road and they didn't have the tablets in stock. Then I went to the Canna Pharmacy and it didn't have the tablets in stock. I took a bus into town, and the pharmacy in Central Square didn't have any, but I was told that the Queen Street Pharmacy had a stock, so I went there. None of the pharmacies visited would provide me with the oral rehydration tablets prescribed. I ended up paying ten quid for a pack. I walked more than my daily step quota, that's for sure.

I spent the evening watching episodes of 'Borderline'until it was time for early bed.

Add salt to compensate

A less disturbed night's sleep for a change, no obvious reason why, but I got up late to a grey overcast day and persistent light rain. Members of Clare's study group arrived for their session after breakfast before I was dressed, so I had to disappear upstairs promptly. 

I called the GP surgery for a telephone appointment follow up to yesterday's blood test, and was offered one face to face this afternoon, which I'd prefer anyway. Thankfully no hanging around waiting for a phone call at an unspecified hour.

After a veggie pasta lunch I ventured out to the surgery with brolly clad in waterproof trousers and jacket. Blocked gutters meant flooded road surfaces. At least it slows down traffic reducing the risk of pedestrians getting soaked. The blood test report showed low sodium level again but not as low as previously, as I now add sea salt to my breakfast porridge and sprinkle a little on my food, something Dr Mullaney approved of as a remedy for the harsh diuretic effect of the blood pressure medication. Is there really no alternative remedy to address the problem?

Clare made this year's Christmas puddings this morning and put them on to boil. She had to go out on an errand so we took turns to stay in and keep an eye on them in case either pan runs dry. It was dark by the time I went out to complete my daily exercise, and it was still raining intermittently. It wasn't pleasant. It's been unnerving walking outdoors in low light since I had the stroke. On top of this I've been feeling tired all day. So frustrating when neither rest nor exercise seem to make much difference.

After supper I watched a double episode of the Irish crimmie 'Borderline' with a story about people smuggling and modern slavery set in the rural frontier zone between the Republic and Northern Ireland with all the tension and complexity involved in collaborative police investigations crossing jurisdictions. This story involved international borders too with asylum seekers trying to make their way into Britain from the EU through the border between the Republic and the UK. Thought provoking.

Getting productive again

Early morning sunshine didn't last long, cloud moved in and obscured the sky, but it didn't rain. A visit to the GP surgery after breakfast to give a sample for a blood test. I made an effort to drink a litre of water beforehand aware that veins are easier to access if your body is well hydrated, but it still seemed like hide and seek finding one. The phlebotomist was as reassuring as she was skilled and the process was painless.

Having successfully recorded and edited a biblical Reflection last night, I recorded Wednesday's Morning Prayer, made a video slideshow to go with it and uploaded it to YouTube. It's six weeks or so since I last did this. It took me a while to familiarise myself with a workflow which had been habitual and routine before the stroke. Windows 11 needed updating, also the Chrome Browser and Libre Office. The Chrome update required me to download the install file manually. The Libre Office update happened automatically when I clicked to open the app. I had opened Chrome to  access the Google Docs text of a hymn, so that I could turn it into a slide image. With all the interruptions and delays it became an effort to recall where I'd reached in the process. My brain works as it should, except that it's slower at working around distractions. A small landmark in my 'staged return' to routine contributions to parish prayer life. Best of all, the stress of this kind of mental activity didn't exhaust me despite the frustrations it presented.

I cooked sea bass with veg for lunch, didn't take a snooze afterwards and then went out for a walk. Leaves on the trees in Llandaff Fields have been olive green in appearance since August. Some leaves have turned yellow and dropped off, carpeting the ground beneath but only in these past few days has the tree canopy turned from dark green to gold. There's been wind and rain, but mild autumn temperatures, and no frost to accelerate the colour change.

Clare went out to choir practice. I watched a couple of episodes of 'Trigger Point' then it was time for bed. I don't know how the evening slipped away so quickly.