Mona's thoughts on the Haj

A hot and sweaty night, though I managed to sleep fairly well, but didn't feel as if I'd slept enough, and felt physically tired. It wasn't brain fatigue, my head was clear enough, if a little slow thinking at first. A cooling wind from the west brought the temperature down below 30C today. Meadow Street was noisy again when I got up with the sound of scaffolding being erected and the workers' loud conversation. A loft conversion is under way a few doors down from us. 

I posted the YouTube Morning Prayer link to WhatsApp just after 'Thought for the Day' Mona Siddiqui reflected on the significance of the annual Haj pilgrimage to Mecca which started last Sunday night. Saudi Arabia has been under attack in recent months from Iranian allies like other America supporting Gulf States. She remarked on the presence of anti-missile defence batteries around the holy city protecting the 1.5 million pilgrims arriving in even greater numbers this year despite Trump's war. She interpreted this as expressing the people's faith in God defying their own fear, and refusing to let themselves be defined by uncontrollable chaos and anxiety unleashed by regional conflict.

Despite getting up in good time, I arrived five minutes late at the St Catherine's Eucharist, detained at home by my irritable bowel which runs on a timetable of its own. There were ten of us this morning, including Pam who's been housebound for months. It was good to see her looking well, and happy to be among friends again. I settled accounts with Ann for our Tenby stay and she brought me home in her car to collect the key to their Sandy Reach apartment.

I prepared the veg to cook for lunch, and Clare cooked ravioli stuffed with ricotta and chicken or spinach, bathed in our best olive oil. It was a pleasant change, and good to find that a pasta enriched with egg and a cheesy filling didn't give me indigestion. Then, a stimulating acupuncture session with Peter, one which literally made my feet tingle. Despite the stress and sleep losses of the past couple of weeks my body has responded well to the ups and downs of changing routine. I won't need a session so often from now on.

Clare also had a session with Peter this afternoon as well, but got muddled about her destination and went first in the opposite direction to the clinic where we have osteo massage treatment with Clive. Fortunately Peter didn't have another client at that time and all ended well. 

I had a rest when I got home, though I didn't sleep, and went out for a walk before supper. Banners for an orienteering event had been planted in Llandaff Field, marking the start and finish points for the day's course. It made me think of Sara and Gunnar as they are keen on orienteering in the countryside outside of Gothenburg. I took a photo and sent it to her.

Having completed my daily mileage quota, I started getting ready for bed before sunset, hoping for extra rest. Sometimes I feel as if I'm wearing myself out, as I rarely feel fully recovered after a night of broken sleep.

Lady Day

I woke up to a bright sunny day with a cold strong wind, feeling quite clear headed, after a good night's sleep, benefiting from getting to bed earlier. Can I turn this into a regular habit? I posted today's YouTube Morning Prayer link to WhatsApp as Giles Frazer spoke about the Divine Feminine and the inauguration of the first female Archbishop of Canterbury on 'Thought for the Day'. It's highly appropriate that it's the Feast of the Annunciation to Our Lady

In Middle East news, Iran is now allowing non-hostile shipping through the Straight of Hormuz, while retaliating against Israel as it invades Lebanon to deal with Iran's ally Hezbollah. Trump alleges that negotiations between allies and Iran are going on in the background. This is not reflected in what Iranian spokesmen are saying. Despite American threats and attacks, Iran's response is causing physical and economic damage to Saudi Arabia and the Gulf States and the Straight of Hormuz is under Iran's control. Will Arab states move from their current defensive posture to the risk of an attack that could make things worse in the long as well as short term?

By the time I went to St Catherine's to join six others for the Eucharist, the meds were causing me to feel light headed and slow as if I was in the process of waking up from deep sleep, though the usual sensation of toxicity was absent. After coffee and chat, I called at Jason's greengrocer's shop to buy some veggies on my way home. Clare cooked prawns with reheated left-over rice and spuds for lunch then I walked briskly to Parkwood clinic for an acupuncture session with Peter. I told him about my debriefing with the Stroke Association worker yesterday, and he echoed the opinion that I'm making good progress in recovery. Also  learning new lessons about myself. I walked home, as I generally do from a treatment, with a spring in my step, feeling fully awake again, despite the meds.

When I got home from church, a covid jab notification letter was waiting for me. It's the same date as my next cardio consultant appointment, in a different location and almost at the same time. It seems the various medical services offered don't use an integrated patient centred appointment diary. I had to call and rearrange the date. I was eighteenth in the phone queue, and twenty minutes waiting. The NHS app has a note of appointments pending. I wondered how it would handle the diary clash. Each department is something of an administrative 'silo' it seems to me, so maybe there's no  data handling measure that can flag up anomalies of this kind.

I went out for another walk at tea time, having noticed the rapid change in trees everywhere. The cherry blossom in trees along Penhill Road bordering Llandaff Fields has emerged spectacularly. Likewise the tall silver birch at the entrance to Meadow Street, whose leaf canopy appeared from nowhere in just a few days. A strong cold north wind takes the pleasure out of being outdoors on a Spring evening however. Early to bed again tonight.

O Wisdom

Overcast and drizzly on this first day of the week of countdown days to Christmas. I had a fair night of sleep, even if not long enough to feel properly rested, but more relaxed in the light of my conversation with the Cardio consultant yesterday. I held back on taking a blood thinner until lunchtime, just taking my habitual blood pressure med and statin when I got up after posting today's YouTube link to WhatsApp, after 'Thought for the Day'. I guess my blood pressure must have been high, as I could sense the change in the half hour after I took it, with my head becoming clearer, but not feeling quite right. It'll be interesting to observe the change when I take a blood thinner after lunch.

There were nine of us at the St Catherine's Eucharist. Jeremy assisted Sion and preached the homily. Over coffee afterwards he talked about his experience of converting from being a Pentecostal church member to an Anglican. He'll be ordained and serving his first curacy in Fishguard this summer, a rural coast ministry area with fourteen churches, all different. I told him about my experience of black Pentecostal worship and ministry when we were in St Paul's. Exposure to different Christian communities and cultures influences our spiritual development more than we may realise until we have reason to reflect on it.

I collected this week's veggie bag from Chapter on my way home. A freshly picked stalk of Brussels sprouts was among this week's special winter veg treats it contained. I met neighbour Rob on the way home standing inside his garage about to take his car out, or returning it. He's a network specialist working from home, unable to socialise at the moment as he's suffering from a bad dose of 'flu. We chatted about our neighbourhood and shared appreciation of long term residents who know and support each other in the same way as church parishioners do.

I took my blood thinner tablet after lunch and was relieved not to have a negative reaction to it. I stayed clear headed all day and the meds didn't make me feel poorly. A big win from my point of view. When we were clearing up after lunch, the kitchen strip light got dislodged from its rather unstable mounting. It took so long for Clare and I to fix it that I didn't hear my phone reminding me that I was due for an acupuncture appointment. I phoned Peter and fortunately was able to reschedule for an hour later as Peter had a slot available. I walked to the clinic and enjoyed a fortifying session with insightful conversation. Altogether good for morale together with yesterday's session with Dr Hughes. 

Owain arrived at supper time to spend a couple of days with us and brought me a special food supplement that will help me improve my focus in connected thinking. I am as Peter said during this afternoon's treatment, recovering from exhaustion during the first traumatic week I spent in A&E.I believe I am on the upward path now and welcome anything that will help me establish a new 'normal' I can live with.

I spent the evening writing a reflection on the opening chapter of Colossians, for New Year's Eve while Owain and Clare watched an old episode of 'Strike'

New Telly installed at last

Cold, bright and sunny with frost on car windows when I posted today's YouTube link to WhatsApp Daily Prayer thread, but another night of sleep loss, making for a miserable start. I was delighted to see an Instagram posting from Kath, showing the cover of the Heart of England Community Foundation annual yearbook which features her successful Sonrisa Arts production 'Dance in the Dark' with an accompanying article about the show aimed at families with early years children. Impossible not to feel proud of my daughter's innovative artistic work with children, and on other occasions with old people too.

I went to the Eucharist at Saint Catherine's. We were seven this morning. After coffee and a chat I collected this week's veggie bag from Chapter and cooked rice, savoury veg and prawns for lunch. Clare was shopping in town. I couldn't shake off the tiredness and needed a couple of hours sleep in the chair to rid myself of the drowsiness. Then I walked down Cathedral Road to Parkwood Clinic for an Acupuncture appointment with Peter Butcher at half past five. Another good session, so walking home was less effort than walking there. He said the tiredness I was experiencing could well be the body's natural response to a lower level of adrenalin, the genuinely physical call to convalescence, more rest, a slower pace and so on. People tell me to take it easy but it's not easy when you have a lot that needs sorting out to get your affairs in order. I admit I'm prone to frustration and panic if I feel I can't get things under control.

As we were relaxing after supper, Owain turned up, straight from work to spend a couple of days 'working from home' here. Hopefully he can help me get a few things sorted out when he's off duty. In fact, he made a good start by setting up the new Sony Bravia Android internet telly which has been in its box since I bought it a fortnight ago. I haven't felt confident about doing this with poor concentration and fatigue haunting me for months. Owain unboxed it and ran the set-up routine. This requires use of a phone or laptop to sign into the channels we have an account with. Owain did this for me as fatigue was slowing down my perception and thought processes causing me unwanted stress. It only took half an hour with him in charge. I would have taken far longer if I'd been muddling through on my own and struggling to read small print text on screen or paper.

We enjoyed watching an episode of 'Shetland' and the ten o'clock news and then it was bed time, and more much needed rest.

Adrenalin excess impact

Another bright cold autumnal day. I slept fairly well but not as long as I hoped for. I posted the YouTube link to today's Morning Prayer on WhatsApp and got up at nine. We were eight for the Saint Catherine's Eucharist. I left the veg bag collection to Clare as I had a blood test at the surgery after the service. After a savoury lunch of lentils, carrots fried with onions and rice, I walked to Parkwood clinic for an acupuncture appointment with Peter Butcher. Physically speaking I'm a lot better for his treatment of my kidneys, but my confidence has taken a knock, and left me anxious about making on-line payments. There's a water bill to pay and I couldn't face doing it on-line. I found the pdf of the invoice and printed it off later in the day, so it can be paid at the Post Office counter instead, to minimise the possibility of error. I've never been in a state of mind like this before, and woke up feeling anxious about it in the early morning. 

Fortunately, Peter is an experienced therapist. It was helpful talking things through with him. The events of the past five weeks have led to surviving crisis after crisis on sheer adrenaline, so when things don't work out as intended or I encounter difficulties I don't understand, the fight - fright - flight animal instinct kicks in irrationally and maybe without reason, affecting me physically. It's a vicious cycle I have to learn how to break. I feel I need a respite and try to avoid facing things. Hence a workaround solution with bill paying. 

Peter said that kidneys have adrenal glands located on top of them which regulate blood pressure, metabolism, and stress response. They've been working flat out. As the kidneys recover so do the glands. On times they may discharge and generate negative sensations or trauma flashbacks, a bit like a cat or dog shudders as it recovers from loud firework bangs. This offers a valuable insight into what I've been going through. I have to be patient and give it time.

After the session my head was clear and calm. I enjoyed a walk in Llandaff Fields on my way home the hour before sunset. Clare made delicious soup for supper, with freshly harvested beetroot from this week's veg bag. After supper I started work on next Wednesday's Advent Morning Prayer. It has come around so soon! The CofE Daily Prayer app hasn't yet been updated to include the first week of a new liturgical year. The Church in Wales lectionary app was able to supply the proper readings, and I found in my archive the Advent daily office liturgical framework. A fiddly job, but the text is now ready to record.

I learned from the Church Times report on the latest meeting of the Church in Wales Governing Body that there was an impasse in the process of nominating a new Bishop of Bangor, following the controversy and contention aroused by scandal at Bangor Cathedral which led to the resignation of Archbishop Andy John. It's been decided to appoint an interim Bishop of Bangor familiar with the Province but from outside. It would be someone who is already a Bishop, who is prepared to guide the diocese through the painfully difficult and unenviable task of reviewing its life and understanding what went wrong.

I spent the rest of the evening pondering on my conversation with Peter, and resolved to take the next step of facing my phobic reactions slowly, carefully when I feel the time is right and not throw myself at this problem and end up going out of control again.

Acupuncture to the rescue

Well, the change of medication made no difference to the disturbed sleep nor to the dehydrating effect the medication has on me. Woke up early and lay low as long as I could, the posted the YouTube link to WhatsApp Prayer thread at half past eight.

 I drank a liter of water at breakfast time, before my morning dose and heading out to St Catherine's for the Eucharist on a damp dull day. We were today. We chatted over a cuppa afterwards. Clive signed as witness to my signature of the Lasting Power of Attorney document for my sister, which I must now send it back to her, having followed instructions emailed by the Office of Public Guardian last week. I'm not sure how successful I was explaining this to her.

Ann offered me a lift to my lunchtime acupuncture appointment with Peter Butcher. I accepted gratefully as my energy level is low. Then I went to pick up this week's veggie bag from Chapter and returned home for lunch. When Ann dropped me off in Cathedral Road near Parkwood Clinic, I had difficulty identifying the place and walked in the wrong direction on the correct side of the street. Not every house has a visible number plate. The clinic has a large blue sign in the front garden. I must have walked straight past it when I left her car. She spotted my error, parked her car, chased after me and took me where I needed to go. So very kind and thoughtful of her. It's another instance of visual impairment related to my memorised map.

 The same thing happened on my way to collect the veg bag. My brain fails to process properly and link what I can see nearby with remembered routines. It's quite disturbing, seeing things and not recognising them. I had such a good memory for navigating places in time past. I have to learn how I can rebuild it, rather than getting lost and needing Google Maps to steer me to my destination. It's much worse when I'm exhausted, and in poor light. 

I had a great acupuncture session with Peter. He treated me when I had the anal abscess and the doxazosin was having the same impact on my bodily functions. He explained what he did at each step, which I find most helpful. He found that my kidney function had degraded so they were struggling to cope with their job of filtering blood loaded with different meds. Thankfully I respond well to acupuncture, so I felt better when we parted company, clearer headed and not dragging my feet. We have another session together next Wednesday. I slept in the chair for an hour when I got home. Just what I needed.

I met Clare coming out of Llanfair Road on my way back. She was going into town to buy a new blender as the one we've had for years has given up the ghost. I thought it had blown a fuse, but that was a result of its electric motor burning out. I wonder how long this one will last? It only cost twenty five quid, a lot less than its predecessor a decade ago.

After supper a wrote a Reflection for next Wednesday Morning Prayer about St Hilda and the Synod of Whitby which was more historical than biblical. An unusual departure for me, an interesting challenge. And so to bed, wondering if today's treatment will result in undisturbed sleep free of the distress of coping with a racing heart.

Poorly again

Last night I drank chamomile tea when Clare and Kath drank Prosecco. I paid for my ignorance today and wish I hadn't. It amplified the diuretic effect of the medication. The sodium level in my blood count went down even further, giving me a racing heart and palpitations, keeping me awake and anxious. The night started well enough. I relaxed into deep sleep only to be awakened by my full bladder. I felt really ill by the time I was due to get up and go to church, despite oral re-hydration, extra salt, and my prescribed blood pressure medication. It's Rachel's birthday today, so I sang her a birthday greeting on Whats App at twenty past seven before getting up. That's twenty past midnight for Rachel.

Another overcast damp day with spates of heavy rain showers, though it was dry when I went out to church and back. I walked there despite feeling rotten, fearing it might be my last chance to participate in a Eucharist. It took me longer than usual to get there, and arrived as the first hymn gave way to the Act of Remembrance. My heart slowed down by the time we received Communion, though I still felt shocked. I returned home straight after the service, feeling weak and tired.

Kath booked me an acupuncture appointment with Peter Butcher this Wednesday. She also showed me some acu-pressure points on the ear which you can massage. While listening to the sermon, I took turns to hold each ear between thumb and forefinger. I think it helped to alleviate the mild panic I feel because of the symptons I experience.

Peter was very good for me when I visited him, battling anal infection with high blood pressure. I was first prescribed doxazosin as a booster for my regular blood pressure meds at that time. It had the same impact six years ago as it does now. Acupuncture helped then, I hope it will again.

Kath left us after lunch. She has to visit Owain on her way home to retrieve an Amazon order which accidentally acquired his mailing address instead of hers and couldn't be cancelled. She's going over to Bristol to have lunch with him and collect the parcel. Clare and I will be home alone again. Kath's been a tower of strength to us organising and facilitating on our behalf this week. I admit that I'm going to feel vulnerable, without her support.

I spent the remainder of the day sitting around doing nothing. My heart started racing again after supper and I took another oral re-hydration drink and it slowed down. I'm not sure what the blood pressure medication is doing to me or meant to do. I still feel like it's poisoning me.

Acupuncture again

I had a rather disturbed night's sleep, overslept by an hour and had to listen to 'Thought for the Day' by back tracking the Radio Four 'Today' programme on BBC Sounds by an hour while it was still running. A very useful facility. It rained all morning, and I couldn't get my act together in time to go to the midweek Eucharist at St Catherine's. Ah well, sometimes you lose.

I started the new Doxazosin 8mg slow release tablets at breakfast time. There's seems to be no escaping the light headedness this drug produces, but the increased dosage has reduced my blood pressure almost to normal. It doesn't explain what caused it to skyrocket a couple of weeks ago, but hopefully my next blood test on Friday will shed some light on this.

I cooked lunch and had an acupuncture appointment with Peter Butcher immediately afterwards. When the ten minute notification sounded on my phone, I realised that I'd not left enough time to walk down Cathedral Road to Parkwood Clinic, which is Peter's new Cardiff work base, so Clare drove me to get me there on time. I came away from the treatment feeling less fragile and more stable. Heaven knows how acupuncture works, but it does work for me, and helps rebuild my resilience after a rocky patch. 

I went straight home, and slept for an hour and a half before going for my walk in the park. The river Taff is swollen and coloured a rich earthy brown after a spell of heavy rain upstream. Small beaches along the riverbanks and the islands of pebbles are all under water, with the exception of a small mound of stones where a solitary gull and a bewildered bedraggled looking goosander were perched.

In the evening we watched a couple of programmes about Japan, one about the natural environment and another nature inspired Japanese art. An aesthetic feast.

Electoral farce

Yesterday, I celebrated the Eucharist with seven others at St Catherine's in the morning. I had a phone call when I returned about officiating at a funeral the week after next, at the Vale Crematorium. Our friend Russell's funeral is there on the Saturday morning just before. A double slot has been booked for this, as the funeral ritual of the Anthroposophical Christian Community calls for more time. After this the Wake is being held in the Penarth Pier Pavilion. I imagine this idea would have given him much pleasure. 

After lunch I walked to an acupuncture treatment at the Natural Health Clinic, and then a walk around Pontcanna Fields. Recently, I've been feeling drained of energy, and walking for an hour has been an effort. This kind of treatment makes a difference I find, as it works on stimulating kidney function in this instance, and this seems to help disperse low level toxins in the blood which sap energy. It reminds me to put into practice lessons learned from Tai Chi / Chi Gung about massaging the kidneys and drinking lots of water. Things I'm at risk of forgetting. 

This morning, I celebrated the Eucharist at St John's for a dozen people, including Emma, who was pleased to sit in the congregation, saving her energies to officiate at a wedding following the service. On my way from church to the clinic for a wound dressing, I kept seeing unusually smartly dressed men in suits and ties, and women in glamorous outfits looking conspicuous among the everyday mix of shoppers and workers about their business. I wondered if this sight aroused curiosity among more mundane pedestrians?

The European elections take place today. Clare and I dispatched our postal votes a week ago. News talk is all of the likely majority of seats being taken by Farage's brexit party, a single issue movement taking seats they have no intention of occupying, but are dedicated to removing from the political map due to the UK's withdrawal from the EU. If further delays leads to the newly elected taking their seats, no doubt their presence and behaviour will end up causing offence due to the contempt they exhibit for European institutions. This fills me with disgust and shame.

In the evening another engaging episode of 'Berlin Station' on More Four. The story-line concerns the rise and rise of a populist far right party in Germany, encouraged by subversive conspirators inside and outside the country. The CIA is monitoring the situation and unofficially getting involved in trying to forestall a terrorism element in the equation, but elements in their own government may also be involved in the conspiracy. It's complex, but also very contemporary, written in and for the Trump era, even if he doesn't get mentioned by name. I think series two is quite an improvement on series one, which I found complex and hard to follow.

  

A cutting edge saints day to remember

The world many just think of this as St Valentine's day, but in the church calendar it's the feast of Saints Cyril and Methodius, apostles to the Slavs, brothers gifted Roman civil servants, sent by the Pope in the ninth century to evangelise on the eastern frontiers of the Roman empire. Cyril learned to speak the  language of the Slav tribes and invented what is still known as Cyrillic alphabet, based on Greek and Latin scripts to turn speech into writing. They translated scripture and liturgy into the written texts known as Old Church Slavonic. Methodius was a bishop. Cyril remains a founding hero throughout the slavic cultural world, yet both were laid to rest in Rome's San Clemente basilica, which I well remember visiting over forty years ago.

So, all in all, a memorable day for an afternoon surgery appointment as far as I'm concerned, though any days would have been just as good after a six month wait. Clare delivered me to Llandough at noon. I was taken to a ward and interrogated by nurses and the duty anaesthetist before meeting the surgeon. The charge nurse told me that she's a Sunday School teacher at Llandaff Cathedral when she home for the weekend. A nice co-incidence.

The head of the surgical team excused himself from attending to me on account of 'other duties' and much to my surprise and delight, Ms Julie Cornish introduced herself to me. She was fully briefed, having read all the notes and my two letters to the boss man, and explained what was going to be done to me. Today's procedure starts sorting out the internal damage, draining the wound tracks. There'll be a further procedure in two months time to complete the repair work. She was honest with me in stating that there's only a 50% change of a fully successful outcome, and that further measures using other techniques might be required if not.

I was taken down to the operating theatre around three and returned to the ward three quarters of an hour later, having calmly drifted off into unconsciousness, and waking up later as if coming around from an afternoon nap. No nausea or dizziness, vital signs stable, no pain, nothing to worry about. Before Clare collected me at five, I was treated to a cup of black coffee and a turkey sandwich, and walked out feeling steady on my feet and reasonably comfortable.

Clare cooked us huge tuna steaks for supper, eaten with relish, as my last proper meal had been a seven o'clock breakfast. The new wounds leaked a fair amount of blood, as the dressing applied was loose and needed an absorbent back up pad. All a bit messy, but never mind, I found I didn't need any pain killer to see me through the evening. In as much as I can sense a change in my condition at this stage, I'd say that it's easier to sit without stressing my perinaeum. There's a peculiar kind of pain associated with pressure on the core of the nervous system. This is a great relief. I think I will sleep well tonight.

So much for me thinking this would be a straightforward repair job! It's been a positive beginning however, and fortunately my body is still good at healing itself and I have the benefit of acupuncture to help maintain the equilibrium of my immune system and energy levels. I don't need to believe in it or know how it works, I have the evidence now. Four courses of antibiotics needed in the last four months of 2018. Seven acupuncture treatments this year, and no new threat of infection.

Thank God for the surgical team, the nurses and my acupuncturist, all doing what they do best to get me back to health.