Rachel's homecoming

Minus one this morning under a cloudless sky with bright sunshine. I heard the central heating switch on automatically when I woke up in the night. I was awake for nearly four hours of nine and a half in bed, a poor night's sleep indeed, lying half awake plagued by anxious thoughts and feelings, maybe due to eating more than I normally do yesterday.  I don't have trouble getting to sleep to start with, but if I'm disturbed by the cold or my bladder amd wake up, it takes longer to let go of consciousness again.

I posted today's YouTube link to the WhatsApp Daily Prayer thread when I got up at half post eight. After breakfast I went through my postings on the prayer thread to make an archive copy of all this year's weekly Biblical Reflections, about four dozen of them. The few missing are from the period I was recovering in hospital after the stroke. This task took me up to lunchtime. Despite having cooked bacon for breakfast, my brain was foggy and tired with low blood sugar by lunchtime, but Clare's fish pie for lunch revived me.

Veronica's Christmas email newsletter illustrated with family photos arrived. The resemblance between her and her mother June is striking.  There was a WhatsApp message from Rachel in the small hours, when she was about to take off from Phoenix to fly home. It will be so good to see her again, especially after the uncertainties of illness over the past three months, wondering on bad days if I'd survive to see her again. It won't be long now! Her flight arrived at half past one. Kath picked her up at Heathrow and drove her to Kenilworth to celebrate New Year. 

I went out at three and walked in Llandaff Fields for an hour and a half until the setting sun lit the clouds along the horizon in shades of orange yellow and pink against the clear sky above. Tonight is going to be another cold one. Once it was dark the random noise of festive fireworks, far away or near, shook the neighbourhood, distressing pets. I watched a couple of episodes of Le Carre's 'Little Drummer Girl on BBC iPlayer and then opted to see the New Year in by going to bed early, tired already.

Winter chill

I thought I saw the sun rise through the haze over the rooftops when I got up this morning, after another inadequate night's sleep. High cloud prevailed. giving occasional glimpses of sky, and the temperature dropped to three degrees. I didn't feel hungry but my blood sugar must have been low as it often is before lunch, making me feel faint, thinking incoherently.  Initially I thought it was due to another broken night, but I slept fairly well. I don't understand what's happening to my metabolism.

Clare had an early lunch, put a load of washing on the line in the sun, then took a taxi to Rumney to have her hair done by Chris at his salon. I made a veggie pasta dish for lunch and took my daily clot busting medication with plenty of water. My head cleared enough for me to record and edit next Wednesday's Morning Prayer and Reflection. I felt relieved that mental exercise didn't drain all my remaining energy. I helped Clare hang a load of washing on the line as rain wasn't threatened. It was still damp  due to high humidity when I brought it indoors before going out for an hour's walk in Llandaff Fields before sunset.

As I was passing the camp site in Pontcanna Fields, a man emerged, eager to tell his story to someone else. He told me he'd just bought a jacket in a charity shop for four pounds, and found thirty quid hidden in an inside pocket. Just as well it wasn't someone's forgotten stash of drugs!

Before and after supper I made the first Morning Prayer video slideshow for the New Year using the audio I'd edited earlier and uploaded it to YouTube. I watched the concluding episode of 'The Night Manager', and then went out for a breath of fresh air and exercise before going to bed early, determined to get more rest, if not real sleep.

Mission conclusion

Cold and overcast again today and a poor night of disturbed sleep overshadowed by anxious feelings. I don't know if it's my concern about Santander pushing clients to accept on-line bank statements instead of paper ones or the queasy reaction of my digestive system to medication that bothers me in the small hours. I hate waking up feeling tired and lethargic, needing a rest before I can face activity apart from thinking quietly and composing a reflection for next week's Morning Prayer offering.

Clare went out after breakfast to buy a replacement kitchen tablecloth. The existing one got scorched by a candle overheating in its glass candle container, melting the table cloth beneath it, setting off the kitchen smoke alarm. It was more flammable than we realised, and should have had a wooden block or a saucer to serve as a heat sink. Plasticised fabrics are not to be trusted ever. Lesson learned. I started cooking lunch as soon as she returned, a little late, as my attention had been absorbed by writing. 

I received an email from Emma in Euro-diocesan HQ expressing appreciation for my fourteen years of locum ministry. She started in her job around the same time as I retired, and although we have written and spoken over the years, we've never met, a strange aspect to being part of a large dispersed organisation. I replied, thanking her for her support. There's no longer any reason for me to hold a Permission to Officiate in the diocese in Europe, now that I can't drive. No matter how complete a recovery I make or healthy I stay, I'm now a risk as far as ministry abroad is concerned, work and travel insurance un-affordable. Well, it was wonderful while it lasted. 

I'm not yet sure if I'll recover well enough to celebrate Mass and preach again in this, my home diocese. I don't know if I'll need to renew my Permission to Officiate at some time in the future, should a return to regular public ministry be possible. I need to know if I can handle the stress involved after a long spell of inactivity. Besides that, do I have anything more to contribute to the common good of the church? Making a Morning Prayer video for the Parish WhatsApp group is one thing I still do. Facing a congregation again is an unknown. I've not read a lesson in church unless I was celebrating. I've not volunteered, as I think it's more important that others are given the opportunity. I'm learning to be on the receiving end, listening and not judging or criticising.

After emailing Emma I walked in Llandaff Fields for an hour, and on my way home bought some chicken to roast. After supper, another episode of 'The Night Manager' to watch before bed.

Christmas Photos

Overcast today with a cold wind. Up at eight, after a broken night's sleep though how broken is impossible to say. I think my Fitbit wasn't attached to my wrist well enough to read consistent body signals. It's not as accurate as it pretends to be. We went to St Catherine's for the Parish Eucharist after breakfast, both of us a bit late. Getting going and getting there seems to take longer. Maybe it's the impact of wintry weather. 

We were about thirty for the service. Some families in the congregation are probably away visiting relatives, if not taking a winter holiday. Sue's term of office as churchwarden ended with a presentation at the end of the service and a piece of cake with coffee in the church hall afterwards. Clare went home before me to cook lunch, I followed on carrying her slice of cake wrapped in a napkin.

After lunch I slept in an armchair for an hour then walked in Llandaff Fields and the neighbourhood until sunset. I always feel relieved if I can reach home before dusk. My eyes adjust to walking in the dark under streetlights quite well. Impaired vision and my slow reactions in low light make me nervous. I noticed this when travelling yesterday. So many people wearing dark clothes moving through areas of strong light and shadow are not easy to navigate around without bumping into others. On one occasion, I couldn't see Clare sat on a bench in an area of contrasting light and shade. She was wearing a dark jacket. This makes it difficult to spot her in a moving crowd.

After my walk I uploaded Christmas photos and shared the album with the family. I forget to take pictures including myself, so it's just as well that Kath is good at taking group selfies of the whole family. She had a group photo printed of last year's Black Patch Christmas celebration and it now hangs in the hall next to the coat rack. Happy memories from last year as well as this week, despite my being painfully weepy yesterday. I'm still feeling a bit emotionally fragile The realisation of how much I love my family turned into heart breaking grief as I realised, in the aftershock of life threatening illness, that it's all slipping away from me. I've been so blessed to have such wonderful children and enjoy life together with them.

After supper I watched the second episode of Le Carre's 'The Night Manager' on BBC iPlayer. I've seen it before, but the plot is so complex I don't remember the detail. The photography and acting are superb.

Going home

Woke up at eight thirty, reasonably refreshed. Misty, then overcast today. Kath called for us at nine. We checked out of the hotel and the Kath took us to their house for a farewell breakfast. She took us by car to Birmingham International to catch a train to New Street station. What with cancellations delays and several platform changes lugging cases up and down steps, in and out of lifts, it was rather a lot of Compulsory exercise! 

At Birmingam New Street we had an hour and a half to wait for a train to Wales. Plenty of time to eat the picnic lunch of turkey sandwiches prepared for us by Kath. The only train available for us was destined for Newport only. Owain's train to Bristol left twenty minutes before ours. He made sure we were briefed about our platform before we parted company with big hugs. 

The two thirty Cross Country train delivered us to Newport by ten past four. We had to wait there with a large crowd of travellers for a connecting train to Cardiff at half past. Cardiff Central was so busy that the ticket barriers were left open for the departing crowd to stream through. Clare insisted on getting a taxi to take us home from there. We were both pretty tired by the trip, and started preparing supper straight away, assorted veg and a chorizo heated up in water rather than fried. Not my choice, but I was too hungry to protest. Clare made an omelette for herself.

After supper we listened to Rosalia's debut album, which both of us found a bit bewildering. Perhaps it will make more sense when we get around to the English translation of lyrics in Spanish. Unfortunately the Sheku Kenneh Mason CD I bought for Clare was one she already has. She decided to give it to Rachel. There's something else I can buy for her that she fancies.

 The excessive stimulus of such an uncertain journey drained me of nervous energy. I went out and walked in the dark for an hour to calm myself before bed. Just the two of us at home at the end of the day in a quiet house. I miss the company of our wonderful kind and caring children I have to admit that earlier I wept bitterly this afternoon at the thought of us going our separate ways.

Duck racing on Boxing Day

Another sunny wintry day. I didn't sleep well, despite the room being uncomfortably warm for for Clare it wasn't quite warm enough for me. I don't know if that's something to do with the effect of the meds on my metabolism or what I'm wearing in bed taking heat from me rather than keeping me warm enough. As ever I didn't sleep for long enough, but I felt clearer headed for most of the day. After breakfast we walked down to Kath and Anto's for a welcome cup of fresh coffee.

We walked together to Abbey Fields to watch the start of the annual Kenilworth Lions Duck Race, in which hundreds of charity sponsored plastic yellow ducks are released into Finham Brook to float downstream to a finishing point, in an unusual lottery event. Thousands of people turn out for this family event. We we went to watch as we received a ticket for a Christmas present. The footpath along Abbey Lake and the neighbouring brook were both crowded with people following the ducks' progress, and soon I lost sight of Anto, Kath and Rhiannon. We were reunited half an hour later and returned to Kath and Anto's for a lunch of salmon, a fry-up of yesterday's… surplus veggies, Christmas cake and chocolate log, plus a bottle of posh Rioja.

Later Kath and I went for an afternoon walk and long chat as the sun was setting. When we got back, Rhiannon parted company with us and set off on the return trip to Manchester. We then watched the King's speech together, in which he delivered a confident  religiously themed message of unity, good will, and service for the common good relating to the Gospel Christmas story. It's the faith he swore to defend at his coronation, and interprets as for the good of humanity, for all citizens. So carefully thought out in words and video imagery.

Then in contrast, 'How the Grinch stole Christmas' started. Clare and I were both getting tired and not interested in watching it so we decided to return to the hotel. Kath kindly made us a picnic supper and drove us with our picnic and bag of presents back to the hotel just before seven for a quiet evening recovering from the social stimuli of the past few days, getting to bed early in view of tomorrow's return journey home. 

Family feasting

It was a cold night, hard to get warm after getting up and down to pee several times. I needed to wear a big woolly pullover to avoid heat loss in bed. I got up at seven thirty, and we had a continental breakfast in the dining room at eight thirty. 

Clare joined Kath and Anto for a walk in the sunshine afterwards. I attended the ten thirty Mass at the Catholic parish church of St Francis opposite the hotel. It was packed with over three hundred worshippers, adults with well behaved children used to praying and worshipping with their parents at Mass. A team of four teenage girls assisted two priests who concelebrated the Eucharist -  a senior cleric with a Parkinson's tremor and a young colleague, relatively new to the parish, judging by what he said in his homily, preaching a simple profound sermon full of warmth and humour. I didn't have a hymn book but could sing most of the carols from memory. There was a strong sense of quiet attentive participation in the service, good liturgy well organised with everyone playing their part naturally. Although I didn't receive Communion (given in two kinds I noticed), I felt part of the celebration, at home, so familar, regardless of the Englishness of the community, without it being CofE or Anglo-Catholic, struck by the universality of the occasion.

When I got back to Kath and Anto's lunch preparation was in full swing, with lots of Cava being sipped. By half past two were were sitting down to a full Christmas turkey dinner with three fine wines and a considerable amount of water being drunk, testimony to our rising average age, and health consciousness. A great meal with a superb Clare made Christmas pudding to conclude. Then the exchange of gifts, presided over by Rhiannon. She showed her creative ingenuity by creating a stop motion cartoon video on YouTube reminding us of last year's family Christmas at Black Patch farm in Powys. She packaged this in a photo frame with a collage which included a QR code pointing to the video. Surprise upon surprise. Impressive! 

When we finished the present giving it was dark. Everyone was starting to feel sleepy. We had a video call with Rachel, then at half past eight we walked with Viv back to the Holiday Inn where she's staying, then back to the Peacock hotel. The central heating was on,  now we have several coat hangers in the wardrobe. Hopefully a better sleep tonight. 

Travelling away to Christmas

Up at eight to complete bag packing, a complex exercise for a four day stay with medical requirements, presents etc. I wasn't really ready to go, still feeling sleepy when the taxi arrived to take us to the station, half an hour early for the ten forty five train to Brimingham.

We needed to visit the booking office as the train time booked was for this afternoon, was not what I asked for. Not that it mattered, the train was half empty when we got on and wasn't busy. Most of the passengers heading for Birmingham, curiously were single men I noticed.

Sunshine all the way up the river Severn and beyond. I found the train's noise and motion tiring. When I went to the toilet I had to pass through several doors and ended up disoriented. It's indicative of my slow brain function currently. Clare was asleep and not answering her phone. Returning to my seat was a matter of trial and error. Staying attentive, resisting distraction and taking note of my direction require conscious effort and it's tiring when I start the day tired.

Arriving at New Street Station was a bewildering experience. It's huge and so complex  it's hard not to get disoriented.  Owain's train arrived just after ours and he found us trying to figure out where to go. We had to pass through a barrier requiring a manual ticket inspection. I put the ticket in my rain jacket pocket, and then couldn't find it and started to panic. It had electrostatically bonded itself to the surface of my phone screen in the same pocket. I hadn't lost it, but it gave me a fright. We took another train to Coventry where Kath met us and drove us to the Peacock Hotel in Kenilworth to check in. We have a room in an old stable block with a double and single bed to choose from. 

We then went to Kath and Anto's house for a welcome cup of coffee and mince pies. As it got dark Rhiannon arrived. The four of them went off to a pub for a drink and I stayed behind. I needed solitude with peace and quiet for my brain unscramble itself. I have to turn inward and process everything if I get overstimulated, as I have done today. I'm not good company until I regain my equilibrium. Then I can start to respond to others with ease again. 

Kath made a delicious veggie sugo con tagliatelli for supper with tuna for my benefit. The wine was a rich strong Garnatcha de Navarra, which I sniffed for the aroma but abstained from. 

It was lovely to be in family company again, and see how Rhiannon has now become a young adult design student since our last Christmas together at Black Patch. 

We walked back to the Peacock Hotel and Rhiannon accompanied us, such a sweet thing to do. Our room lacked coat hangers. The night manager found us one! It was half past nine when we arrived, very tired and ready for bed. 

The Catholic church nearby had its Nativity Vigil Mass at eight, so no  midnight Mass for us. The two Anglican Parish family services are at ten thirty and not as near as the Catholic church. Fortunately the Mass of the Day is ten thirty in the morning. Attending Mass will be like when we're abroad, except that it will be in stilted English not Spanish or French. Just a little bit different, that's all. And now sleep! 

Not yet ready to travel

Cold and overcast today. Eight and a half hours in bed two hours sleepless, same old story. Rarely do I feel refreshed when I get up. Clare brought a fir tree branch indoors after breakfast and decorated it with a few baubles and lights.

It's a lovely thing to do, even if we are away for four of the twelve days of Christmas. Advent seems to have sped by at an astonishing pace this year.

I heard a discussion on Radio Four yesterday morning about the therapeutic role of creative writing and poetry. It helped me reflect on what was happening to me when I had the stroke, as well as helping me regain hand-eye coordination. Every now and then I amuse myself by writing verses in haiku on anything that catches my attention. Last night I started writing a connected series of verses on my experience of having a stroke, and forged these into a poem this morning.

Nothing seems the same.

A storm surprises the brain

Familiar becomes

strange, unrecognisable.

Stumbling gait and speech

becoming incoherent.

Reasoning falls short

of reaching a conclusion.

Above and beyond

The inner eye keeps  vigil.

Despite the chaos

of motion and sensation.

'Time to stop' it warns. 

Pay full attention and come 

to terms with yourself.

You are older than you think.

A veggie pasta for lunch with 'bamia' as the Greeks call Ladies Fingers, bought from a local veg shop that specialises in vegetables more commonly found in Asian recipes. A pleasant surprise, reminding me of our youthful backpacking journeys of discovery in Crete sixty years ago.

I went into town after lunch in search of Christmas presents and clips to hold together a pair of duvets. I found the shops hard going, noisy with background music, busy with shoppers and the light from so many shelves, flashing lights and video promotional screens. Tiredness made it hard to process so much stimulus, but I got what I needed to buy, before returning home at dusk on the 61 bus.

We have a train at 10.45 tomorrow, so bag packing tonight followed by early bed in the hope of getting enough rest to cope with what will be a very busy journey to Kenilworth via Birmingham and Coventry. I'm looking forward to being there, but not looking forward to the disruption of the trip.

Mail shot day

Cold and dry this morning after rain, with some sunshine to cheer the return of longer days. I had a shower and washed my hair after I got up. After it dried I couldn't see beyond my fringe as it wouldn't stay swept back, as it's so fine and soft. I think it needs a trim. Meanwhile I'll have to wear a hat indoors and outdoors. 

I took the bus to town and booked our Christmas Eve train tickets at Central Station. I didn't think about what I needed to do to make the journey hassle free. I went out carrying no cash and had to withdraw some from an ATM to buy a big sausage roll for lunch, having forgotten that I need a late morning snack to avoid the faintness and slow thinking which now accompany a nearly empty stomach. I think it may be due in part to the clot busting meds I must take daily. They seem to speed up my digestive system. I was in no mood for shopping and returned home as soon as I acquired the train tickets, pleased to think that Clare would have lunch ready at the usual time.

I spent the afternoon preparing our physical Christmas card mail shot.  Labels to fix on envelopes, cards to be written, letters to print fold, and stuffed into envelopes. Clare went to the Post Office and bought stamps for three dozen cards to post. Another four dozen are digital greetings. I used to mail 80-90 cards before I retired. Postage is now so expensive, I couldn't afford that many. No matter which way I send a greeting, it gives me an opportunity to think about people I've known and met over a lifetime in ministry, and many will respond with their personal news and greeting. It was already dark when I took my bag of cards to the post box on my circuit of Pontcanna. I found the effort mentally tiring, and needed exercise before and after supper to clear my brain. I walked for half an hour and that was enough to make ne ready to sleep. 

Wet solstice

Overcast and light rain for much of this the shortest day of the year. We were about forty for the Eucharist at St Catherine's. The Sunday Club children sang 'We wish you a Merry Christmas' in English and Welsh to the congregation at the end of the service. After lunch and a fruitless effort to snooze, I wrote cards to take with me for church members, then it was time to return to St Catherine's for the Ministry Area service of lessons and carols, attended by about a hundred people. On the way there I noticed two other sets of church doors open and the buildings lit up to welcome worshippers. It was dark for nearly an hour before we arrived.

At St Catherine's there was a live nativity tableau with the children singing 'Away in a Manger' and girls from the local ballet school danced angelically to 'Silent Night'. It's what always happens, carried out with love and devotion. The kids have quiet fun. Hopefully in later years they will recall a shared experience that helps define who we are as an Anglican Parish congregation. After the blessing, Sunday Club children again led the singing of 'We wish you a merry Christmas' in Welsh and English by choir and congregation. Then we had a mince piece and a glass of mulled wine in the church hall before walking home with Jayne who has an apartment in St Winifred's nearby. I went out again later in the rain to complete my daily step quota. It was still drizzling and needed all my determination not to be deterred by miserable conditions. The longest possible night's sleep tonight.

Getting ahead

I woke up to another blue sky sunny morning, then after our Saturday pancake breakfast, when Clare had just hung a line full of washing in the sun, there was a sudden downpour soaking all the spin dried clothes. Not a cloud in sight. Falling rain shone with reflected sunlight. Annoying but beautiful nevertheless.

I went for a walk in Llandaff Fields while Clare was baking spuds and sausages for lunch. Mistle Thrushes are singing to mark their territory in trees near where I often see them on the grass. Then in the coppice by the incline at the top end of Chestnut Avenue as I'm learning to call it, the haunting call of a woodpecker marking its territory. This time last year I couldn't identify it by its call. It's now become familiar thanks to the Merlin bird app.

After lunch I had a refreshing armchair sleep for over an hour, then went for a sunset walk in Pontcanna Fields. I spotted a solitary cormorant roosting in a tree over the river footpath. I took a few photos and on editing, its chest was revealed to be speckled white, indicating a female bird's breeding plumage.

I spent three hours of the evening after supper recording and editing Morning Prayer audio for New Year's Eve, making a slideshow video to accompany it, and uploading it ready to YouTube. A lot of concentration to try my patience, but not so brain draining I think, thanks to the Creatiq food supplement. I have noticed the improvement from taking the clot busting meds on a full stomach in the middle of the day. Glad I was able to get ahead myself with my regular commitments, so I can be duty free to enjoy the coming festive season, away from home and workstation. Ready for bed now.

Christmas mail-shot time

Blessed sunshine today, lifting the spirit, but still not getting enough refreshing rest to start the day feeling well. I had a call from BT about the procedure involved in keeping our landline number, which will take a couple of weeks. It means I won't need to change the phone number the annual Christmas letter, due for circulation in the next few days. After breakfast I had a text message from Talktalk wanting to discuss the switchover. BT had already notified them I presume. I was not pleased with the mildly threatening tone of the message mentioning liability for disconnection charges and spent an hour  exchanging direct messages of complaint about the service. If I haven't complied with their terms and condition as the timing of contract renewal coincided with me having a stroke, I will be sure to mention this. If they go on to make a disconnection charge, I'll complain to OFCOM.

I started work on the annual digital greeting card and newsletter mailing after breakfast. It's taking much longer than previously as I'm that much slower at remembering and retrieving information. I have physical cards and addresses organised but have yet to start on the assembly of that mailshot. I started late to make lunch. By the time I went out for my afternoon walk it was nearly sunset, and it started to drizzle, as it often does at this time of day. 

A TalkTalk supervisor called on my mobile to discuss account closure with me and return of their equipment. it gave me an opportunity to give more feedback to add to what I wrote on the Direct Message thread, being particularly critical of the latency in their network and the potential security risk to users who don't understand why the system isn't working as expected. Just after I got home I had a second call from another TalkTalk supervisor about disconnection and had to explain that I'd not long been contacted about this. Then I had a text message from TalkTalk acknowledging my complaint and giving a reference number for dealing with it. We'll see what happens next!

After supper I directed my attention to the digital greeting mailshot of three dozen greetings. Sobering to notice how many people on that list, compiled a decade ago, have since died. Sometimes recalling the detail behind the list was difficult. I haven't lost memory but recall doesn't work as swiftly and efficiently as it did before my stroke. Tired now. Concentrated for too long. Need sleep now.

ISP switcheroo

Overcast damp and cold again. Another fair night's sleep, but not long enough, although I was last to get up. By the time I surfaced at nine, relaxed thanks to yesterday's acupuncture. Owain was starting work on-line. As I ate breakfast, Kath called and chatted on her commute to work in traffic queues. Life goes on around me at the moment. I'm not feeling as poorly now as I have done the past few months, thanks to the acupuncture and change in medication routine. Am I starting to recover from the nervous exhaustion of the past three months? I hope so. Maintaining the discipline of walking a couple of hours every day as well as writing gives a loose structure to the day around which to fit domestic tasks and errands. I took most of the morning to edit a Reflection I wrote yesterday and still wasn't satisfied with. More restful sleep is at the top of my wish list, but I don't yet know how to achieve it.

I helped prepare tiny Brussels sprouts for lunch then went out for some fresh air. At the end of the morning my blood sugar was low. I needed a fruity sugar snack to clear my swimming head so I could cope with a  walk in the rain up to the top of the avenue of Chestnut trees on Llandaff Fields and back. Tree surgeons have been at work again lopping branches likely to suffer wind damage. Maybe there's disease in those trees as well. The summer leaf cover has been poor for several years. I walked for forty minutes and got home late to eat. I seem to be out of sync with the rhythm of others in the household at the moment. 

After eating I took today's blood thinner, and rested to see if there'd be any ill effect. Hand-eye coordination and slow recognition of what I see aren't good today. I may not lack physical energy but mental energy and focus aren't what I expect them to be. It's frustrating. Owain brought us a packet of a food supplement called 'Creatiq', composed of creatine, lion's mane - a mushroom extract, and citicoline, all substances that nourish the brain's cognitive ability, delivered in the form of a fruit gum taken four times a day. I'm willing to try anything that will improve the way I feel and perceive what's going on. I'm not yet used to my field of vision being impaired. 

Owain took charge of changing our broadband service provider from TalkTalk to BT, a process that takes a few days to complete. A new router has to be installed and configured to work with all our digital devices, including the mesh wi-fi extension. We're paying for a visit from an OpenReach technician to do this with us rather than DIY trial and error. It'll cost us much the same to run thereafter as we're paying now, but the quality of service should be better. The technician is booked for 7th Jan, after we return from Kenilworth. 

Owain tackled the web based switchover process with the ease of the IT communications professional he is in real life, commenting as he proceeded on the clarity and user friendliness of the site and the clarity of information delivered. I would have found difficulty getting through this task without him at the moment. I 'm finding such interactions very stressful due to visual impairment combined with and slowness in recognising and decoding what I see. Late in the afternoon he returned home to Bristol to get on with his everyday life. It's most fortunate for us that he can work from home anywhere, but I miss his presence and his calm confidence, most of the time, when he's not with us.

After supper I went out for a walk in the dark to complete my exercise goal for the day, and unavoidably tired by bed time

O Wisdom

Overcast and drizzly on this first day of the week of countdown days to Christmas. I had a fair night of sleep, even if not long enough to feel properly rested, but more relaxed in the light of my conversation with the Cardio consultant yesterday. I held back on taking a blood thinner until lunchtime, just taking my habitual blood pressure med and statin when I got up after posting today's YouTube link to WhatsApp, after 'Thought for the Day'. I guess my blood pressure must have been high, as I could sense the change in the half hour after I took it, with my head becoming clearer, but not feeling quite right. It'll be interesting to observe the change when I take a blood thinner after lunch.

There were nine of us at the St Catherine's Eucharist. Jeremy assisted Sion and preached the homily. Over coffee afterwards he talked about his experience of converting from being a Pentecostal church member to an Anglican. He'll be ordained and serving his first curacy in Fishguard this summer, a rural coast ministry area with fourteen churches, all different. I told him about my experience of black Pentecostal worship and ministry when we were in St Paul's. Exposure to different Christian communities and cultures influences our spiritual development more than we may realise until we have reason to reflect on it.

I collected this week's veggie bag from Chapter on my way home. A freshly picked stalk of Brussels sprouts was among this week's special winter veg treats it contained. I met neighbour Rob on the way home standing inside his garage about to take his car out, or returning it. He's a network specialist working from home, unable to socialise at the moment as he's suffering from a bad dose of 'flu. We chatted about our neighbourhood and shared appreciation of long term residents who know and support each other in the same way as church parishioners do.

I took my blood thinner tablet after lunch and was relieved not to have a negative reaction to it. I stayed clear headed all day and the meds didn't make me feel poorly. A big win from my point of view. When we were clearing up after lunch, the kitchen strip light got dislodged from its rather unstable mounting. It took so long for Clare and I to fix it that I didn't hear my phone reminding me that I was due for an acupuncture appointment. I phoned Peter and fortunately was able to reschedule for an hour later as Peter had a slot available. I walked to the clinic and enjoyed a fortifying session with insightful conversation. Altogether good for morale together with yesterday's session with Dr Hughes. 

Owain arrived at supper time to spend a couple of days with us and brought me a special food supplement that will help me improve my focus in connected thinking. I am as Peter said during this afternoon's treatment, recovering from exhaustion during the first traumatic week I spent in A&E.I believe I am on the upward path now and welcome anything that will help me establish a new 'normal' I can live with.

I spent the evening writing a reflection on the opening chapter of Colossians, for New Year's Eve while Owain and Clare watched an old episode of 'Strike'

Looking inside my brain

Cold today but sunny. Awake for two of eight and a quarter hours sleep. A fair night's sleep? It doesn't feel like it. When I got up I didn't take all my meds in one go, but in stages before and after eating and drinking lots of water to see what difference it would make to the usual morning woozy thick headed feeling. Well, maybe. Drinking enough water seems to be most important.

After breakfast Clare went to her study group meeting in Penarth. I wrote a reflection for New Year's Eve Morning Prayer, then cooked lunch in time for her return. With a hospital appointment at four, and being uncertain about the best route to take by bus to UHW, I ended walking there instead - fifty five minutes. So I must have been feeling better, and the weather though cold was pleasant for walking.

I met cardio consultant Dr Hughes. We recognised each other, as he was the medic who took charge of me in  A&E the day after I had the stroke. Thanks to him I saw a screenshot of the MRI brain scan confirming the presence of a clot on my occipital lobe that caused the stroke symptoms. He conducted a physical examination with a class of student medics to start with before revealing the scan findings. Despite my condition, skin to concussion, I noticed and was impressed by his skill as an observer teaching others how to observe. 

During our conversation, he showed me the detailed 3D recording of that MRI scan showing the position of the clot just above the top of the spinal column at the base of my brain. It's only recently that I saw a similar recording of Clare's brain scan - in better condition than mine. We talked about the problems I've been having with different medications making me feel worse. He was willing if necessary to prescribe aspirin plus an additional medication whose side effects wouldn't have such an impact. On further thought he considered that the combination of morning meds may be causing the problem, and proposed spacing them out across the day, as a way of observing which of the meds has a noticeable negative impact. He's going to write to my GP recommending spacing the three things I need to take during the day is written on the prescription.

This session I found most helpful. I felt heard and my concerns understood. I came away feeling lighter and optimistic about a way forward with treatment that doesn't leave me feeling worse. I took a bus into town, then caught another back to Pontcanna after a chilly wait outside the Holiday Inn. On the way home I chatted with Owain, and then separately with Rachel, both relieved to hear my good news. Owain has been recommended taking a food supplement to aid mental clarity and sharpness and taking a test for vitamin D deficiency, as this can be a problem that impacts on metabolism and brain function. I'm willing to try anything that might improve the way I've been feeling this past couple of months. What most affects my brain however, is short nights of interrupted sleep week after week. If only a medication routine could be found that reduced me having to get up for a pee almost hourly, that would change everything.

Canna Capella sings to support refugees

Rain in the night and this morning. I used the new dehumidifier when I had to get up for a pee. I  didn't get so chilled, slipped back into sleep easier and for longer. A positive outcome, worth the investment.  After meds and breakfast, I went back to bed and spent some time resting and writing to see if it was possible to  cope better with the impact the medication is having on me after taking it in the morning. Less worse, less of a struggle to stay awake and think clearly.

News reports about the mass shooting of fifteen people at Hanukkah festivities in Sydney yesterday identify the killers as islamist fanatics, a father and son as perpetrators. Sir Ephraim Mirvis, the Chief Rabbi spoke powerfully on 'Thought for the Day' about this fiesta as affirming faith and identity, celebrating the miracle of Jewish survival during persecution by imperial Rome leading to the continuing determination of Jews not to be driven into the shadows by anti-semitic hatred  "We are here, we belong, we will not hide who we are." The right to gather freely safely and publicly", he says, "is not a Jewish issue alone, it is a test of the moral health of any society that claims to value freedom, difference and human dignity". 

The right to freedom of speech is easily perverted into tolerance or acquiescence of unacceptable anger, aggression and hate speech against anyone who dares to be different. It's another symptom of decline in moral health of contemporary society, of resistance to learning to live together with those whose culture or experience of life is unlike our own. Have we become lazy or too vague about the difference between right and wrong, too comfortable with thinking moral judgements are no more than a matter of opinion? Living faith calls for a moral code based on the understanding that it is wrong to make another person suffer. To sin against God or a neighbour is to cause suffering. How often we seem to be indifferent to the suffering of others, devalued by the way they are spoken of. When this happens, violence against them is never far behind.

While Clare was out I cooked veg for lunch with savoury butter beans for me and boiled eggs for Clare. Blood thinners leave me feeling poorly as if my blood sugar levels are low. Is this a side effect? I need to raise this concern at my cardio consultation at UHW scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.

After a rest, I printed Christmas card envelope labels using my Chromebook connected to the lazer printer. It was a fiddly job, downloading address label master copies from OneDrive, uploading them to Google Drive and getting the Open Document Format files recognised by Google Docs but succeeded after a spell of trial and error. I need to get around to exchanging Linux Mint on my workstation for an alternative version of Linux which works with my printer. I simply can't be bothered to spend hours troubleshooting a fault caused by a Mint update. It's a shame, as I have happily used Mint for the past decade with few problems. There doesn't seem to be a straightforward fix for this. Maybe there will be when the next Mint upgrade comes along.

After supper I went to Conway Road Methodist Church for a performance by the fifteen strong Canna Capella choir Clare sings with. It was a fund raising concert in aid of a local organisation that supports refugees, by enabling them to engage fully in local life and work. This includes a project aiding medically experienced and qualified people to become accredited to work here and acquire enough English language to continue in their professional sphere if they need to do this. Impressive stuff. About fifty people were present. I enjoyed the singing, but found the noise of chatter and social interaction following the music stressful to cope with. It may be to do with the meds, but could be fall-out from the traumatic experience of my sojourn in A&E. Glad to get to bed at the end of the evening.

Toxic vengeance

Another poor night's sleep and miserable morning feeling tired with a thick head. Terrible news of a mass shooting at a Hanukkah celebration on Bondi Beach in Australia. Attacks on synagogues have occurred recently in several parts of the world, pointless retaliation for the Israeli government's war waged on Palestinians in Gaza and the West Bank. Injustice and violence breed injustice and violence. How can the vicious cycle be ended in which enraged people seek satisfaction by making victims of each other? Will we never understand how poisonous and soul destroying this is?

We made an effort to go to St Catherine's for the Parish Eucharist. A kind lady in church gave us some croissant shaped almond pastries stuffed with marzipan. We had these for pudding along with mince pies and apple pie Clare baked.

I slept for an hour after we'd eaten. Kath and Clare went out to Tesco's while I was asleep and bought a bedroom dehumidifier. I get chilly at night when I need to get up for a pee and it takes so much longer to get back to sleep. It's not that the room suffers from cold and damp as such. If there's a frost, the room feels less cold. t's less humid. I think it's something to do with prevailing wind pushing damp air down the chimney through a poorly sealed off fireplace. I remember having similar problems keeping warm when I was staying in Ibiza. Using a bedroom dehumidifier was necessary to make the room comfortable to sleep in when it wasn't especially cold. I hope this works. I've been losing too much sleep, no matter how many blankets or layers of bed clothes I wear at night.

I walked for an hour after waking from my siesta. Clare and Kath were out too, visiting a neighbourhood Christmas market in Plasturton Gardens, but we didn't meet. When I got home I found the dehumidifier installed and at work in the bedroom. Kath took her leave of us as it was getting dark. It was lovely to have her with us again for twenty four hours.

After supper I watched another episode of 'Les Invisibles' and one of 'Above Suspicion', that turned out to be one I'd watched before.

Signal poverty

Another cold bright sunny start to the day. I slept fairly well, with the usual interruptions and needing to drink a lot of water with meds and breakfast. Not that it made any difference. I felt unwell, sleepy, slow moving and slow thinking. I made an effort to go out and buy Christmas cards, but it was a struggle. Kath arrived at lunchtime, her journey prolonged by a slow moving traffic queue. After lunch we went out for a walk in the park ending up at sunset in the Square and Fair cafe next to the new Padel Courts, then walking home from there in the dark. 

Kath went out again and bought a desktop digital TV aerial to work with the new telly, but the aerial refused to work. Signal reception is very poor on the ground floor of the house. It worked however with the old Sony Bravia in the attic, albeit imperfectly. It can receive some but not all of the channels it should. We need a more powerful antenna, or a rooftop dish to collect signals from the Wenvoe transmitter four miles away. There are too many houses disrupting signals from the mast in the city centre. Thankfully there are no such problems with TV channels delivered via the internet Android apps once you have them set up.

My head started to clear, as if my body was getting rid of a toxin. I watched another episode of Shetland' before going to bed early.

Mobility landmark for Clare

Nice to wake up to a bright sunny morning after a fairly good night's sleep. Getting to bed a bit earlier than usual seems to have done me good. 

After breakfast I designed a digital Christmas card and prepared it to accompany our annual email newsletter. Clare received a fish delivery from Ashton's at nine, and was busy getting portions ready for the freezer when the doorbell rang a second time - her lift from Sue to go to a physio appointment down the Bay. On this occasion she returned the walking frame and crutches loaned to her by the clinic for the hip op. No longer needing them three and a half months after the op is quite an achievement! 

Salmon soup for lunch and an hour's sleep. I seem unable to escape tiredness at the moment. I noticed that I was making more typos than usual, my hand eye co-ordination suffers more from left sided impairment and maybe also from my brain working slower when I'm tired. As it was getting dark, I went out shopping intending to buy Christmas cards. I needed to get a bottle of TCP and was surprised to find none on sale in Boots, Savers or Tesco's. The takeover of a company that makes it has suffered supply chain problems and cannot deliver enough to retailers to keep up with demand. Hmm. Finding out about this was enough to distract me into forgetting to buy cards. I bought chicken pieces to roast and vine tomatoes that got rather squashed in the bag carrying them home. I cooked them with onion and garlic to combine in a sugo with roasted chicken tomorrow.

When I was looking for things on supermarket shelves this evening I noticed that I was finding it harder than previously to identify products I was looking for. It wasn't just a matter of not having suitable spec's to see what I was looking for, but not identifying products by their package colour, shape, or labelling. I'm not sure if this is erosion of memory or the process of recognising things automatically. It doesn't help if a product has been given a brand makeover. I notice other folk as old as me lingering in aisles of shelves searching for items they need, whether memorised or written down. Sometimes I arrive at a shop and have to stop and remind myself what I've come to buy, with or without a shopping list in my head or in hand.

After supper I watched a couple of episodes of 'Les Invisibles' and then it was time for bed.

Eye test verdict

Another grey overcast day. Another night with three hours of sleep lost, so getting started when tired is an effort. I had a phone call from Rufus after breakfast to check I was in so he could call in for a chat. It was good to see him again and learn about developments in his ministry as Mission to Seafarers Chaplain in Wales. A few years back Rufus suffered a TIA commonly called a mini stroke - Transient Ischemic Attack on two occasions. As a result he made adjustments to his lifestyle, more conscious of how to live with any potential risks to his circulatory system. Recovery took him nine months. That's something I needed to hear. At the beginning the word 'stroke' adequately described what I was going through. On one occasion I heard a medic describe my condition as a TIA and wonder if he got it right. I've not been paralysed and am recovering my ability to notice and recognise things I see, even if my brain is still slow sometimes making the connections. Seeing how energetic and capable Rufus is now both reassures and warns me not to take risks pushing myself too hard if I feel tired or stressed.

While Clare was out shopping for Christmas gifts I cooked savoury butter beans with rice for our lunch. I had a rest before setting out for a four o'clock eye test at the University School of Optometry in Cathays. I glanced at a striking looking dog resembling a husky standing in undergrowth at the side of the footpath, as the sun went down. After I looked away momentarily the dog simply vanished, leaving me wondering if I was hallucinating. Then I heard the dog's owner call after it in exasperation from the path. The dog then reappeared walking with the owner just ahead of it, and then lagging behind, as if they were playing some kind of game. I was amused but also reassured to find that I wasn't hallucinating in semi-darkness.

Ceri the optometrist ran though the standard eye tests with me. I don't need new glasses, but a cataract op to replace the one I had to cancel remains desirable. It will have to be planned around abstaining for a few days from the clot busting medication I need to take, since the drugs used to prepare the eye for surgery can produce unwanted side effects in combination with them. The field of vision scan result told me what I suspected. My vision is impaired, but not just in the corner of the left eye, but in the left corner of both. And it's lasting damage I'll have to learn to live with. There's no question of me driving a car again. It may be inconvenient and make life difficult and more complicated without personal transport, but it's a release from stressful duties and responsibilities. I could pursue registration as a vision impaired person to receive help and support, but do I need this? I need to train my awareness to be more alert in noticing movement at the periphery of my vision on the left hand side in order to stay safe and not put others at risk. I can see to read and type, but there's a pattern to my habitual typos relating to the visual impairment. Can I retrain myself to overcome this. Only time will tell.

It was past five when I left the eye clinic to make my way to the nearest bus stop opposite RWCMD to take me to the bus station for a number sixty one back to Pontcanna. I'm sad to think that stroke damage  to my optic nerve, though limited, is irreversible, sad that as a strongly visual thinker I'll never be as sharp in making connections, recognising what I see, and making my way in the world, as I have been during my four score years on earth so far. Still, I'm grateful for all I have seen and wondered at.

Talking of trees

Last night I put on a long sleeved vest with my pyjamas to find out if I'd sleep any better with conditions in a bedroom which is neither cold nor damp according to others leave me taking a long time to get warm at night, after getting up for a pee. Well, I was still awake for the best part of three hours out of more than nine in bed, but felt more relaxed when I got up after posting today's Morning Prayer video link to the Parish WhatsApp daily prayer thread. 

I booked an early blood test appointment so I could attend the St Catherine's Eucharist afterwards. There were eleven of us this morning. I left home late and had to rush to arrive on time at the surgery. Often after taking my morning pills, I feel like going back to bed due to the impact of what I'm taking, but not this morning. I was clear headed, not as fatigued as I have often been in the morning recently. I didn't start feeling tired until I'd done my daily step quota later in the day and had supper. I don't understand what's happening physically. Is the tiredness an occasional by-product of the clot dispersal drug doing its job, I wonder? I'll ask when I go for my cardio consultation next week.

After the Eucharist, coffee and chat, I collected this week's veggie bag from Chapter on my way home and shared cooking lunch with Clare. I had an exchange of emails with my cousin Dianne after we'd eaten The sun was starting to set by the time I went out for a walk. The chestnut tree in the avenue of trees leading to Western Avenue that was stripped of its lower larger branches yesterday was felled this morning, its trunk lying on the grass in pieces. The avenue is going to look quite different when more trees at the end of their life in current climatic conditions have been replaced by a more resilient species. 

As Marc and I walked in Pontcanna Fields yesterday evening we discussed the trees lining the path down to Blackweir Bridge, both trying to recall when they had been planted. It was, I believe, after the year Pontcanna Fields hosted the National Eisteddfod campsite Maes B in 2008, seventeen years ago. From saplings to mature trees with a few of them lost to gale force winds over the years since then.

I had a message from Basma this evening. She's been to her family in Jordan and returned from Turkey where she went for surgery in the summer. She wanted to know how I was getting on. I'm looking forward to seeing her again soon and sharing hospital stories.

Not user friendly, too complex

That was the worst night's sleep I can remember. Over four hours lost out of ten in bed, probably a result of yesterday's 'flu jab. Clare corrected the draft of our annual newsletter and I edited the text ready for the annual mail-out while she went to her study group. 

I prepared lunch, but forgot to switch on the stove to cook fish and veg while my attention turned to editing Morning Prayer audio for Christmas Eve. I dozed for an hour after lunch and could have slept for longer, but Marc came around to see us and then we went out for an after dark walk to the Taff. The water level at Blackweir Bridge is at footpath level, and more rain is expected.

After supper we both tried getting to grips with configuring Freeview and other TV channel apps on our new telly but with little success. There are lots of choices and channel registrations to make it's confusing. I can't recall how the few apps we habitually use got registered in the first place. Doing this to view telly on a laptop is easier, or else it's a matter of being more used to it. We'll just have to wait until Owain or Kath comes to stay.

I spent the rest of the evening making the video slideshow to accompany the Morning Prayer audio edited earlier in the day. Some things I have mastered and remember how to repeat, but it can be a struggle to remember how to use an app I seldom need. Linux works consistently well it rarely needs troubleshooting and I have to relearn how to do this. I'm currently in trouble as a system update stopped it from printing. My only recourse is to reinstall an older version and not accept updates, or try an alternative version of Linux, recommended for ease of use. I haven't made up my mind about this yet. What I really need is a low maintenance easy to use system that doesn't have me racking my brain trying to remember forgotten routines and commands to keep my work station running. I need to lose as little sleep as possible.

Reviewing a year of upheaval

Another ten hours in bed, three of them awake, disturbed by the need to pee. No wonder I feel sleepy after meds and breakfast. At eight I called the surgery for an appointment. It took three tries to get through to the call queue, but was granted one at eleven to discuss the effect of the blood thinners on my legacy leaky bum wound amongst other things. It all looks healthy to the doctor, nothing to worry about. It seems my blood sodium level is what it needs to be. For an added bonus, I was given a 'flu jab.

Prawns with rice and veg for lunch, followed by an hour long sleep, and a walk in Llandaff Fields before sunset. 

Before supper I wrote and recorded Morning Prayer and a Reflection for Christmas Eve. I spent the rest of the evening writing our annual Christmas newsletter. Not an easy task to get an appreciative perspective on what has been an upheaval of a year with many changes taking place and much uncertainty about the future. So much to let go of, wondering what there is to look forward to apart from decline into infirmity. At least for the moment I'm physically fit. For this I'm grateful.

Fatigue

Another overcast damp day. Nine hours in bed, three hours awake, maybe half awake. I didn't feel so bad but once I'd taken the prescribed medication and drank enough water to compensate for the amount lost overnight, I started to feel drowsy and drained of energy. It was an effort to get ready and out of the house to walk to church, but fresh air and exercise makes a difference, sort of. We were about forty adults and ten small children at the St Catherine's Eucharist. 

When we got home I helped with preparing and getting lunch on the table, pushing back against tiredness. Is the cocktail of medication I'm taking the reason I end up feeling poorly? At least I'm able to keep walking, so long as I don't push myself too hard. I slept for half an hour after we'd eaten, then went for a walk along the east bank of a swollen river Taff. The wind was strong, roaring in the trees as it blew from the west on the return stretch across Pontcanna Fields. Rain was forecast but fortunately stayed away until I was safely home again. 

While I walked I started to think about a recent bank statement I received. Opening the envelope, I accidentally tore the document and had to repair it and couldn't remember if I checked the balance and was sure it was enough to cover outgoing direct debits. It was enough to start me worrying, as if fighting strong gusts of wind wasn't enough worry already. I start to panic these days if I feel I'm slipping out of control, a legacy from the sense of helplessness and extreme pain experienced when an ENT medic was trying to stop my nose bleed three months ago. When I arrived home I found the bank statement quickly and to my relief, all was in order. No risk of slipping into financial danger. It was just that I couldn't remember checking the statement once I'd pieced it back together again, not long after discharge after the nose bleed emergency.

After supper I watched another couple of episodes of 'Les Invisibles' and then headed for bed, hoping for a longer night's sleep.

TV disposal

A good night's sleep for a change. Overcast with rain showers and gusts of wind with a flood alert for the Taff Vale. After a pancake breakfast Clare was determined to get rid of the redundant telly, and one of the neighbourhood WhatsApp group members was offering to take stuff to the Council tip. Clare went off to a coffee morning at St John's and left me to do the job. Easier said than done, as there was a heavy rain shower when the time came to load it on the shopping trolley frame to wheel it to the rendezvous. The box from the new telly had the same dimensions as the old, but keeping it balanced for the two hundred metre walk, with waterlogged gutters, buffeted by gusts of wind, was tricky. Fortunately there was a break in the rain long enough to complete the task without incident or accident.

We made the same meal for lunch today as yesterday. The usual veg, with Tofu burger for Clare, chicken drumstick for me. Neither of us had the energy to think about variety. I can't shake off the lethargy that's afflicted me recently. I rested after lunch but couldn't doze off, so I walked in Llandaff Fields for a couple of hours and returned before sunset. Rain showers continued but were more sporadic. Strong gusts of wind persisted, lifting the brolly in different directions as if an invisible hand was attempting to snatch it away. 

One of the taller Horse Chestnut trees on the path that leads to Western Avenue has suffered wind damage. Its branches have now been cut back to the trunk. Several older chestnut trees have failed to flourish the past few years, weakened by long dry spells and infestation by fungus or insect and losing branches when there's a high wind. The damaged tree is one of a group along the path which flowers without producing conkers. I daresay the effects of climate change will kill off many of these trees in the coming years 120 years after their planting. Let's hope that the introduction of new tree species that are better able to tolerate extreme changes in weather will be successful in the long term.

I got home at sunset, and chatted with sister-in-law Ann. Coincidentally she's on blood thinning meds as a precaution, prescribed as she suffers from atrial fibrillation. She's troubled by ill effects, light headedness and slow pulse. Not too dissimilar from how I'm affected by meds I'm taking at the moment. I didn't notice this while my body was over-producing adrenalin under stress. I think a discussion about this with a medic is necessary. I have an appointment with a heart specialist in ten days time.

After supper I watched a new French crimmie called 'Les Invisibles' on Walter Presents, about a team of investigators whose role is to identify murder victims who cannot be accounted for from a register of missing persons. With each case the team is starting from scratch and has to develop its inquiry from the context and whatever is found by investigators at the presumed crime scene. The crime victims are in effect invisible to start with. The investigators work behind the scenes to inform the process that leads to the case being made public by the investigating magistrate and public prosecutor. An interesting angle on police procedural drama.

Typo trouble

The sky was overcast, but I woke up after seven and a half hour's sleep, maybe the best I've had in weeks. starting the day feeling less wretched and drowsy than usual. After breakfast Clare went out shopping, and with the house quiet, I wrote a Reflection on Jesus rebuking a demon, and recorded it with Morning Prayer for the week after next. At the moment I feel the need to prepare more in advance as I can't be certain of feeling well enough for working to a short deadline to complete tasks calling for concentration. I stopped and cooked the veg for lunch, roasted the chicken drumsticks I bought yesterday, fried a tofu burger for Clare as she was out shopping and doing battle with rain and strong gusts of wind. After we'd eaten, I continued working on a Morning Prayer video slideshow and then went out for some fresh air. It was still raining and strong gusts of wind made walking precarious and unpleasant controlling a brolly.

I went to the Post Office, determined to cancel my Post Office Money Card, since it was giving me such grief. Although I had card PIN numbers safely stored, the card reader in the Post Office rejected numbers I used. I found this very upsetting, and assumed my account was being blocked because I failed to log into the on-line account for no reason I could understand. When I reached home, I returned to the email reply to the query I had sent to the Post Office Money Card help desk yesterday and called the help line number in the email, still in a state. I was asked for some unique security details to identify myself as the account holder, then received a text message with the given PIN for the card in question. The number was familiar. I'd made a typo without realising entering the number after using the PIN for an extinct card. My attention to detail and concentration on tasks when under pressure is much poorer than it used to be. Is it just mental exhaustion or a lasting effect of the stroke, or the medication? I just don't know, but it's demoralising.

It stopped raining after dark and I went out for some calmer exercise to complete my daily step quota once we'd eaten supper. I had a progress report from Veronica, in good spirits about her knee joint replacement surgery. All the clips binding wounds together for healing have now been removed and physio continues relentlessly. It's good to know that all is going for her as the treatment plan intends. I'm not sure I can say the same. There seem to be a lot of ups and downs on my journey, though I am grateful, despite tiredness, to be walking well, not needing a stick for support, and retaining a good sense of balance despite muscles that lack suppleness and are slow to warm up. Early bed for me tonight.

Encouraging news for Clare

Early mist dispersed, and the sun shone through high cloud patches. A good night's sleep, but not long enough. Another day when I don't seem to be able to drink water enough to avoid feeling slow and thick headed. A letter from the Post Office announcing a revamp of my on-line Post Office Money Card account arrived in the morning mail. This meant logging in, but the login routine rejected the memorized password and refused to recognise the email address used to set up the account. Owain kindly emailed the helpline with an enquiry that would reveal if the letter I received was genuine or a fake, attempting to steal security details. I received an email later in the day advising me to phone the helpline. I made up my mind to visit the Post Office and report this occurrence, cancel the Money Card and close the account. 

The card only has two dozen euros on it, and it's unlikely I'll be travelling abroad in the foreseeable future, given the inevitable rise in holiday travel insurance I'll face now. I've accepted that my European locum duties are at an end. Concern about the health risks entailed in deploying elderly clerics was expressed when I offered to take a Sunday service at Madremanya last Spring before the stroke. It's been a lovely experience of voluntary ministry in Switzerland, Italy and mainly in Spain for the past fourteen years for which I'm most grateful. I don't want to risk being a liability to others, aware I'm not really well enough to engage in public ministry or make plans that look a long way forward. Christmas involving train travel to  Kenilworth and a hotel stay will be enough to look forward to over the winter months. It's disappointing to lose independence and become risk averse - unavoidable in the light of what I'm living through these days.

I went shopping before lunch and bought some AAA batteries as the one in our voltage detector was dud.. A pack of them I thought were dead were all unused, fully charged.

Owain Clare and I visited the Memory Clinic in St David's Hospital for a consultation with specialist about Clare's memory loss condition - what she sometimes calls her 'forgettery'. It didn't start well, being directed to the wrong clinic on arrival. Owain was proactive about enquiring after sitting in an empty outpatients' waiting room for a quarter of an hour. Eventually we were directed to the right place and met the medic who was waiting to see us. He reviewed the results of Clare's detailed psychological testing many months ago, and was positive about data which showed how little cognitive decline there had been. He showed us brain scan results from a PET scan, which reflected her good test performance. There had been a problem arranging a follow up scan, due to administrative changes which had not been communicated to Clare, but somehow lost in the system. Just as well the kids chased the Memory Clinic for answers. The follow up scan will now take place, but there's less anxiety about it now. The specialist conducted a follow up memory test which showed little change in cognitive performance. Though the PET scan is still needed, it will provide physical data that will corroborate the psychological test findings.

At the end of the session, Owain left us to return to Bristol for  a team festive social event post budget and Clare and I walked home in the dark, feeling better for the reassurance given us by the Memory Clinic visit. When I returned home from a short walk to complete my daily step quota, Kath was on the phone explaining to Clare how to get the new telly to complete an aerial scan, which it couldn't. I tried without success to get the telly to scan the antenna input after inserting the aerial cable in the back of the set. What I didn't understand was that it now needs a digital signal antenna plugged as analogue signals are no longer broadcast.  Thankfully Kath understood this and explained it to me. It's not been a good day for me technically. I'm finding these things too stressful at the moment.

I relaxed with an episode of 'Juge Marianne' on Channel Four Walter Presents after supper and was ready for bed by the time it was over, tired out.

New Telly installed at last

Cold, bright and sunny with frost on car windows when I posted today's YouTube link to WhatsApp Daily Prayer thread, but another night of sleep loss, making for a miserable start. I was delighted to see an Instagram posting from Kath, showing the cover of the Heart of England Community Foundation annual yearbook which features her successful Sonrisa Arts production 'Dance in the Dark' with an accompanying article about the show aimed at families with early years children. Impossible not to feel proud of my daughter's innovative artistic work with children, and on other occasions with old people too.

I went to the Eucharist at Saint Catherine's. We were seven this morning. After coffee and a chat I collected this week's veggie bag from Chapter and cooked rice, savoury veg and prawns for lunch. Clare was shopping in town. I couldn't shake off the tiredness and needed a couple of hours sleep in the chair to rid myself of the drowsiness. Then I walked down Cathedral Road to Parkwood Clinic for an Acupuncture appointment with Peter Butcher at half past five. Another good session, so walking home was less effort than walking there. He said the tiredness I was experiencing could well be the body's natural response to a lower level of adrenalin, the genuinely physical call to convalescence, more rest, a slower pace and so on. People tell me to take it easy but it's not easy when you have a lot that needs sorting out to get your affairs in order. I admit I'm prone to frustration and panic if I feel I can't get things under control.

As we were relaxing after supper, Owain turned up, straight from work to spend a couple of days 'working from home' here. Hopefully he can help me get a few things sorted out when he's off duty. In fact, he made a good start by setting up the new Sony Bravia Android internet telly which has been in its box since I bought it a fortnight ago. I haven't felt confident about doing this with poor concentration and fatigue haunting me for months. Owain unboxed it and ran the set-up routine. This requires use of a phone or laptop to sign into the channels we have an account with. Owain did this for me as fatigue was slowing down my perception and thought processes causing me unwanted stress. It only took half an hour with him in charge. I would have taken far longer if I'd been muddling through on my own and struggling to read small print text on screen or paper.

We enjoyed watching an episode of 'Shetland' and the ten o'clock news and then it was bed time, and more much needed rest.

Gecko in the ski bag

Another grey rainy day after another night short of sleep. At least my sleep quality is better so I don't feel quite so bad when I get up. Clare's study group arrived for their session after breakfast, and I sat in the lounge and edited Morning Prayer audio recorded last night. Then I went out to get some fresh air before lunch and walked for an hour without realising. Long suffering Clare had cooked lunch by the time I got home. I went to bed and slept for an hour. I seem to need seven hours a day to have enough good energy to enjoy the rest of the day's activity.

As my best reading spec's fell apart on Sunday after losing an essential screw, I thought it would be a good idea to take them to the University School of Optometry for repair, and book an eye test as well. I'm due for my annual eye test this time of year, but should have had another cataract operation a few days after I had the stroke so it had to be cancelled and remains on hold. Blood thinner medication causes problems with the drugs used in eye operations apparently. Hopefully this will be reviewed in the light of the eye test, to allow me back on to the list for cataract surgery.

I took a bus as far as Sophia Gardens aiming to walk through Bute Park to Corbett Road to my destination but found the direct route through the park to Cathays closed, fencing in the Winter Wonderland 'son et lumiere'. Following the cycling route add a half mile to the walk. I think it's outrageous to deny citizens access to a public park given by Lord Bute a century ago. It's the second time this year public access has been curtailed for commercial purposes. It may be due to the Council's attempt to shore up City finances ruined by inflation and past government cut-backs, but it ends up generating resentment and ill-will, which does nobody any political good. It added twenty minutes to my journey to the Optometrists, too close for comfort with closing time approaching.

I was glad to have my spec's repaired and returned to me in the short amount of time I was arranging the eye test appointment for next week. I didn't fancy walking home through the park in the dark with the noise and garish illumination of the fenced off Winter Wonderland in the background. I walked to North Road to take a bus to the town centre and another from the bus station back to Romilly Road. Not a pleasant experience in the pitch dark having to wait for every time consuming change of pedestrian traffic lights on the route. Just as well it wasn't raining or cold and windy. The route indicator on the bus wasn't working to announce the stops. It was difficult to work out where the bus was going to stop next as street lighting didn't help to make places distinguishable, looking out from inside a well lit bus. It was a relief to get back to the neighbourhood streets I know better from walking in the dark.

After supper, Clare watched a video on our telly and I worked on next week's Morning Prayer slide show video for uploading to YouTube. I like to be ahead in preparing this in case something goes wrong and I'm not feeling as well as I must be to get stuff ready well before it's needed.

I had a phone call with Rachel who's in the throes of de-cluttering her shed. She found a disintegrating ski bad with Clare's cross country ski kit and several sets of rusting downhill skis and batons, dating from our trip to Canada when I retired in 2010. The bag was also home to a charming family of geckoes! I've walked a lot and done a lot today, and am ready for bed.

 then needed to get a bus

Mint print glitch

A dark day of persistent wind and rain, so demoralising. A night plagued by stiffness in my neck muscles affecting my head and more sleep loss. I went back to bed after meds and breakfast. It made no difference. It was just a struggle against exhaustion and frustration. I had a document to print, but Linux refused to cooperate with my multi-function lazer printer, and no amount of troubleshooting could persuade it to do anything at all. The ink cartridge needed changing, which I did. The printer showed I'd done it correctly, but it still refused to accept a print command. Then I tried printing a document from the Chromebook over wi-fi, which I've done successfully before. Nothing. Fortunately I found a workaround solution. There's a couple of USB-B ports on the Chromebook for attaching a printer cable. It recognised the device and then printed the document immediately. If I can't find a way to uninstall and reinstall the Linux print software, I'll have to go through the hassle of reinstalling the full operating system.

Clare cooked mackerel fillets with corn-on-the-cob for lunch, an unusual combination. After a frustrating morning, I had to rest after eating and slept for an hour and a quarter. It was getting dark by the time I went out for a walk in the wind and the rain fighting with a brolly. Utterly miserable. It wouldn't have been so bad if I'd been able to find my rain trousers. They turned up after the event in a bag I don't recall putting them in. Clare went out to choir practice after supper. As it had stopped raining I went out and walked for an hour to get some fresh air.

Then I chatted with Owain and watched a couple of episodes of 'Juge Marianne' until bed time.

Advent recollection

A sunny start to the day, a good night's sleep though not really long enough. I woke up feeling refreshed but the combination of meds I'm taking still made me feel woozy until I'd eaten breakfast and started my walk to church in the fresh air. 

I love Advent Sunday, its readings and hymns. It has been special for me since I was a first year student on my first retreat with St Paul's CofE Society organised a Chaplaincy retreat in a Salisbury convent run by a small community of nuns. That Advent Sunday was the climax of my first 48 hour weekend in silence, aged 18. It was an initiation into the mystery of keeping vigil during hours of darkness, sensing the divine presence, discovering the Word in silent stillness, wonder and even quiet humour, an invitation to look at the world in a different way. It awakened me to priesthood and a call to become an ambassador for Christ present in our midst, while still coming to meet us, in the natural world, in each other and the majesty of the cosmos.A time of quiet joy vividly recalled sixty years later. Though not as intense as Easter Day, it shed light on the risen Lord's affirmation - "Lo I am with you always, to the end of time." 

After lunch I slept for three quarters of an hour, then went out feeling refreshed and walked until dusk. I started recording next Wednesday's Morning Prayer when I returned, while I had the energy to do so. Then we went to the Ministry Area Advent Carol service at St Catherine's. We were about fifty in the choir and congregation combined. Numbers were less than expected as there was a concert in St John's this evening. I don't understand how a date clash like that can occur. It's not much of an advertisement for collaborative ministry,

After the service I felt tired. I had a headache, and was in need of food as I did when I got up this morning. Low blood sugar maybe? I felt chilled and needed to stay wrapped up warm. Is it the onset of 'flu? I hope not. Rachel called after supper and we chatted for an hour, until it was time to go to bed, wondering what's going to happen next.

Photos - informing or story telling?

Waking up to a cold sunny day after a broken night's sleep, leaving me to start the day feeling tired and unusually hungry, which is rather strange, but may be something to do with the impact of the medication mix on my digestive system. I had a bowl of porridge oats with almond milk and walnuts, to get me going, followed by Saturday breakfast pancakes. Clare went out to the Steiner school Christmas fayre leaving me to languish in an armchair and recover enough energy to face the rest of the day. 

Ann asked me in church last Wednesday about staying in Nerja. She and Paul are booking a holiday there. I promised to send her some photos I've taken when I've been there on locum duty. Many of the albums are no longer on Google Photos for space saving reasons. I don't want to pay for space. Google is already making enough money out of me by harvesting usage data for analysis of trends that can be used to pitch promotional adverts to me. A large proportion of my thousands of archived photos now occupy space on devices I own. I still keep a lot in Google Photos or in a Microsoft account - whatever seems convenient to me if I need handy access to them. I decided it would be better to go through my Nerja photos and collect the ones of interest into one labelled Google Photos album. Easier said than done however. It took several hours to retrieve the ones I wanted and upload them and the concentration required was tiring. After a tuna and mayo sandwich lunch, I completed the job and sent an album link to Ann. 

I found myself looking at the photos in a detached way, wondering if they would convey an impression of the place and its round of community events and activities in several key venues. Many of my photos are of flowers, birds and landscape that caught my attention. They don't really add much to the visual story of a lovely holiday venue for someone who has yet to visit the place. I realise these photos serve as a prompt for my place memories, and this would work differently for each person viewing the album depending on whether they have visited Nerja or had their interest and curiosity aroused. We'll see.

After all that intense concentration I needed to walk for a couple of hours to clear my head. The sunset was less than an hour away when I started, and it was dusk when I got home. I cooked fish with crinkly cabbage, carrots and couscous for supper. I realised as we ate that I was much more thirsty than I noticed earlier. Perhaps the reason for feeling tired since I got up. It's hard to get the balance right. I spent the rest of the evening relaxing, watching a couple of episodes of 'Juge Marianne' on Walter Presents, until bed time.

Too complex

I slept soundly, but not really for long enough, though I can't complain at waking up to clear sky and bright sunshine. I didn't wake up in time to phone the surgery at eight, but relaxed sleeping without being driven by the anxiety of an eight o'clock phone queue deadline may be more beneficial. Clare went out to a physio appointment after breakfast. I recorded Advent Morning Prayer and a Reflection for Wednesday next and was still editing when Clare returned, and was grateful she got busy cooking lunch while I finished the job. I slept in an armchair for a refreshing hour and a quarter after we'd eaten, then walked for an hour and a half until dusk.

I had a phone chat with Owain. I only picked up his call because the phone was vibrating in my pocket, with no ringtone, for no reason I could discern. We started our chat with Owain taking me through a WhatsApp troubleshooting session. Problem sorted now hopefully. Until the next time there's an update.

After supper I made the video slideshow for next week's Morning Prayer and uploaded it to YouTube. The job was made annoyingly difficult by the refusal of the Microsoft cloud based Video maker app to display added images saved in the project. The OneDrive file system synchronisation can be quirky on times, making copies of existing files that aren't needed, consuming file space and making it more difficult to find a file in the mess left behind. I would gladly replace the Microsoft video making app with one that runs on Linux, but there's nothing I can find that isn't more complex and demanding than it needs to be. Oh for elegant simplicity and user friendliness to enhance routine workflow! When I'm offered a plethora of configuration choices in any app, I risk forgetting what I need to use the app for anyway. So many more things seem difficult to get to work or have control of nowadays. Perhaps it's just my advancing age.