bloody hell

Working at logging medical appointment dates in diary after lunch and a nosebleed started. Unstoppable. Msdec sAid ring A&E. Long ambulance wait. Rang around for a lift. Nigel Parsons.  taxied me to UHW at 1400. Interrogated,

nose plugging ensuite slowed but didnt stop blood flow. Blood tests. 

Three attempts to fit canula failed. 

Kath came. There were many things I needed to share with her, access codes to digital assets, instructions etc. I was warned in a dream of all things to get my affairs in order the night before, and had just set my mind to reviewing and completing the task.

In reception area all afternoon, waiting, bleeding. Slept in a recliner chair like last time my nose bled, then moved to the short stay surgery ward where emergency patients are treated in operating theatre bed chairs. It was after midnight . A horrible night, feeling poorly, blood pressure scarily high, wondering if this was what my dream warning was pointing to. ward noisy too many wake ups. Hard to sleep, so distressing. Only the simplest of memorised prayers possible now and then. 

Kath returned to Meadow Street to sleep at two in the morning, having been a gentle tower of strength and reassurance. She is so calm, kind and determined as an advocate for the best interests of a patient. Clare already in bed, Owain deejaying in London. 

Although alone and wondering I would die, it was the sadness I felt at losing or maybe leaving behind Clare and the kids rather than fear that grieved me, but I did feel held in life, disappointment at the loss. It brought tears to my eyes, along with involuntary tears of fatigue and painful pressure from the nose plug. With all the stimuli of a ward at night about its routine checks to disturb sleep I survived, thank God, what I'd call an irritable night . 

Day of medical business

I woke up to a lovely September day after a night punctuated with getting up for a pee as ever. Increased heart rate is a consequence of this. It does slow to a normal rate with conscious relaxed deep breathing. I have to accept being awake until I'm ready to drop off again. The heart murmur is more perceptible now and its pace is a key factor in dropping off. 

Up at eight for breakfast and pills. Owain brought the booster doxazosin prescription labelling the boxed, altered the phone alerts, securing the routine structure of medication consumption to suit. There's a note to be passed on to the GP about repeat prescriptions. I have a blood pressure check  appointment later when I can deliver it.

I received an appointment letter from the cardiology  unit about fitting a heart monitor to help them work out what else is happening over a period of time to inform their diagnosis of what other treatment may be needed. The leaky heart valve is known about, but there are other things they need to know which the data can help diagnose. It's on the 22nd October at UHW. Also a Covid booster jab appointment letter. I didn't know what impact  the jab would have on my meds and my present condition and needed to ask.

Iona called in to see us. We realised that we now have two spare WNO tickets for Saturday's performance of ’Tosca' which Ann and I won't be able to use. At this stage it's too much sensory input to process I may not be able to cope with, and sister-in-law Ann is not coming now. Iona will take one and our dear friend Chris will take the other and accompany Clare. 

Owain accompanied me to the surgery for the checkup. I'm pleased to find I'm steady on my feet walking, though the visual blackspots demand caution. My 'proprioception' aka physical sense of self is improving thankfully. The fine autumn weather is a pleasant consolation. The practice nurse was able to help Owain to establish exactly what will happen on my next visit on the 30th to the Medical Same Day Emergency Care unit 'virtual ward' for a a blood test and an echo cardiogram. It's referred to by its acronym MSDEC.

By the time we got home, mission accomplished, the Covid clinic admin had shut down, so I emailed for advice, pleased to find that I could without too many errors to correct. I exchanged messages with Sion to update him, and chatted with Ann who did some shopping for Clare and is arranging to pop in and check us out while Owain is away. He's returning to Bristol for the weekend and to relax. Working from home in a house of ailing people sifting through and ordering the chaos in domestic life generated by my stroke. It has been stressful for him. He needs to decompress. He's been wonderful trouble shooting and keeping us informed these past few days. His professional discipline is admirable.

Clare cooked us veg for supper, with boiled eggs for her and a can of sardines for me. The two of us sat quietly in the lounge afterwards, with me writing and Clare reading until it was time for bed. 

A lot has gone on today. I think I am improving in perception and co-ordination. Less exhausted today and with reasonable concentration and mental stamina, but needing to rest my senses and let my mind process input. Less slow? Maybe. Have I been cured of hastiness and impatience? Time will tell. By God's grace I am at peace within, and able pray, the Jesus Prayer and the Ave surprisingly enough, in affection rather than desperate angst. A lovely gift.

So tired

I didn't have a good night's sleep with toilet trips, then lying awake waiting apprehensive to see if my heart was going to race. Thankfully it didn't, taking time to walk to the bathroom and back seemed to help. I posted an audio version of Morning Prayer with reflection for the first time at half past three in the morning, being unable to finish and upload a video one. not knowing if I'd be able to do it after Thought for the Day. I was exhausted after yesterday and spent much of the morning in bed, either dozing or writing. Siân the Kings Road GP medication nurse practitioner phoned for a briefing about prescription renewal. 

I phoned the surgery for a blood pressure  check appointment. There are other arrangements about medical appointments to be made and kept track of. So much information to be absorbed and dealt with, and I'm so slow. It was good to hear Owain working from home in my study. I have been tired today and not feeling well on and off, Stress builds up.  My blood pressure is high. I need to rest whenever I feel overloaded.

Owain and Clare did the shopping between them and made lunch. I wanted to go for a walk in the park in the afternoon. Clare and I managed a circuit around the block, but I didn't feel like doing more. 

Owain learned to use a pressure cooker to poach gammon in apple juice for our supper. I decided give up recording and posting the Wednesday Morning Prayer video, rather than be unreliable in producing one while I am recovering  but I will continue to write a biblical reflection each week for the WhatsApp prayer circle if I can for the time being. Nice things were said, but I need no more commitment stress, I I don't need to go with the flow but float without anchors for now, neither proactive nor reactive. Writing relieves brain stress surprisingly, despite the typos getting worse when I'm tired. Just like my speech. I talk as little as I can to people I have no personal relationship with, as I stumble to express myself.

Veronica leaves for Catalunya tomorrow. So sorry not to have seen her and John again here in Britain. I had a helpful phone chat with Ann about medication and neurology. Good to get some insight into what is going on in my brain these days

At dusk I did another circuit around the block to get some fresh air on my own, to maintain confidence in what I can do, then chatted with Owain until bed time

Rude awakening

I was awakened from deep sleep by a vivid dream with a full bladder at six thirty. After peeing my heart started racing with palpitations. Not the first time, but more intense. Trice the normal rate. No pain, dizzyness or breathlessness. It was very disconcerting. I woke up Clare and Owain, called 111 and this resulted in Kath driving me to UHW A&E half awake. It wasn't very busy, but the change of personnel had yet  to take place. My heartbeat had slowed by then. During the morning I was seen and tested by different medics, blood and urine samples taken. 

I had minor discomfort from a full bowel, which didn't go away until I had dumped my load twice. And then I felt normal again. To my relief the palpitations didn't well up again on either occasion. I was parked in a calm emergency unit in the depths of the hospital to queue for my third check and interview with a medic. It was one place where I could be safely placed near a toilet. Blood tests took time. It  seems l have a low sodium level. A result of the diuretic I take. My Blood pressure is dangerously high. I waited until the evening for a treatment plan to be devised and new medication instructions to be issued. Slowly the clot busting meds take effect - clearer vision and  reduction of visual latency as the speed of my brain function improves.

The aim of the plan is to get people back to  home comfort and peace as soon as possible with phone contact to the UHW emergency care unit. I was given a new medication schedule without a diuretic and with double dose of a booster blood pressure pill to add to the long list. Then I was told I was free to leave. It was pitch dark when I left the hospital and I was left on my own to navigate ye way to a pick-up point where Ann kindly agreed to meet me with her car and take me home. I exited the UHW concourse by the wrong door, because the signage was badly designed for anyone visually impaired. I waited in Concourse Reception until she arrived and returned me to Meadow Street. It must have been gone ten by the time I got home and ate the supper Clare had cooked for me. She had already gone to bed, and Owain welcomed me with a warm meal. Fell sound asleep in my armchair from overstimulation and exhaustion after a cup of tea and went to bed very late. 

Attaching to the network of care and support

I woke up at five thirty with unfinished business coming to mind. Basma sent me a message to say she'd been rehoused in Caerau, and I promised to introduce her to Fr Jesse just before the stroke. I emailed him and briefed him with her story from the original used to introduce her to Fr Richard in Grangetown. Then went back to sleep, job done. 

After breakfast and medication I called Peter the Community Stroke clinical nurse specialist, and learned I'll be visited by an Occupational Therapist for an assessment of support requirements next week, and have been assured my GP surgery is up to speed with my changed situation, and told to request a prescription renewal in writing. Through Kath's friend Emma we have been introduced to Jorja who is an experienced versatile home care professional who can offer any support either Clare or I need. 

My attempt to make my rudimentary medication spreadsheet  checklist turn into a list in a document were frustrating and a failure, so Kath did the honours. This will help secure the every day routine.  

After lunch Siân, one of the GP practice nurses called to inform me about medication renewal. Quite a busy morning mentally, then down-time to process all the info and experiences.

Once refreshed, I returned to sound editing this week's Morning Prayer and encouraged by my success in making the MP3 file needed. Then I started on the video slide show. As long as I focus quietly I achieve my aim. Latency in my perception is diminishing thankfully. Kath and I went to Llandaff Fields for a  sunset walk after supper, and chatted until bedtime and exchanged messages with Amanda, as I wanted to respond to her post-birthday one. She is praying for me now, as are Geneva friends. Paul Okello emailed.  He and his wife Judy are about to retire and resettle in Kenya. His grown kids are settled in Switzerland, so they will go back and forth. I'd love to know more about them. They were in my confirmation classes back in the day.

I make more typos when I'm tired. Bed at eleven fifteen.

Mass at home

I woke up early, feeling rotten, but drinking plenty of water improved things. After breakfast and pills I checked in with Owain and Kath by phone. The Chromebook Everything search key is a nuisance with impaired vision, it's popups are distracting. Finding out how to and following it is hard to follow, and for me it hasn't worked and I don't know why. I asked Owain and he had no success too.

I tried to watch the Llandaff Cathedral Sung Mass but failed to find the live stream, which upset me a lot. There's so much information to sift through, no direct visible clickable link to the live stream. AI is most unhelpful, delivering too much unnecessary information. I am easily overwhelmed, faced with so many choices of stuff to look at and choose from. It's so user unfriendly. The web pages may look good and deliver lots of information but learning to use the site with visual impairment is not a good experience. I visited the Cardiff Metropolitan Cathedral site. In two clicks I was watching Solemn Mass and a couple Baptisms. I had lost fifteen minutes of the Liturgy of the Word stumbling around the Llandaff Cathedral website. The sermon had just started. It was excellent, addressed to the Baptismal candidate families, on a Gospel pass about God and Mammon. 

It was an enjoyable experience until it was disrupted by the phone ringing telephone during the quietness of the consecration. It was painful having my prayer concentration assaulted. Fr Sion and Jeremy his ordination student on placement came by to celebrate Mass and give us Communion. Clare's friend Gail kindly brought us a cooked lunch. Then Gill Rang from Geneva and my cousin Ros at the same time. The news is getting around! 

Kath arrived at half past six bringing groceries with her we requested from Waitrose. So good to see her again. After supper, as it was getting dark, we walked to Thompsons Park under a clear blue sky with the rising new moon out of sight. It was great to have fresh air and a challenge to retain stability and  detect objects in semi darkness, but I took my time and didn't stumble or fall,

Writing is a bigger challenge, needing more deliberation and contrast. It's back to 'hunt and peck' typing as my eye muscles react slower than my hands. Patience and persistence are essential, and much rest to allow the brain to process all the sensory stimulii. A cure for impulsiveness. 

Orchestral Mozart from the Proms to relax to on  BBC Four this evening.

Remembering

Today is the 55th anniversary of my ordination to the priesthood of the church of God by Archbishop Glyn Simon. I remember his hands trembling with Parkinson's disease at the moment he laid hands on me. Some joked irreverently about his tremble wondering if it affected the transmission by the Spirit of Holy Orders, possessed with the idea that Holy Orders are received by contagion.  We were so immature being entrusted with the cure of souls. When I made the customary confession before  Easter in the year of my ordination, Archbishop Glyn counselled me with a phrase from the Palm Sunday Collect - recognising that all priests need patience and humility, like Jesus on the way of the cross. Unforgettable wisdom. I'm deeply grateful for the adventure of a life I've been given as a pastor and ambassador for Christ, despite my many failings. On times I still feel like an impostor among clergy.

It's good to be reminded by this day of who I am and was called to be by my contemporary Anglicans in St Paul's University Chaplaincy Bristol. A day to remember, as re-membering takes on a new significance piecing together the rubble of data rent asunder by my Holy Cross day brainstorm.

I managed to sleep, though not enough, and make an effort to eat, rest and write a little.  It's slow and  not automatic, but getting less error prone, so my hand eye coordination must be improving which means the meds are easing the pressure on the occipital lobe.

Owain contacted Fr Rhys to check about communication with home nursing. He came around to see us, and anointed us both. Not the last rites, but the first in the healing process! After lunch Fr Andrew came by and asked me to pray with him, recently bereft by the accidental death of his mother in law. In telling him the story of last Sunday's Communion incident when the stroke impact on me changed everything I couldn't  remember Fr Siôn's name. It popped into my mind twenty minutes later as I was about to go out for a walk around the block. Re-membering was spontaneous and slow. A surprise. It's a bit like throwing a pack of cards in the air and having to pick them all up and sort them into suites. We were tired, and Clare was miserable with muscle pain. After ten o'clock medication, it took two hours to get to bed.

Adjusting to a new reality

 Same again. not enough sleep, so many things to take in, like arranging home care, planning etc. Owain got some work done and did a lot to help us digitally to schedule appointments. The hardest thing was making the phone emit noisy attention grabbing sounds for medication times. Exhausting for both of us. I cooked my own lunch, while Clare cooked a fish soup for supper. Both she and Owain had sandwiches. I joined Clare on a walk around the block, and we discovered the both of us had the same visual impairment but me only in one eye. A day when we all felt tired and out of sorts. Glad to get to bed earlier, after more writing practice with slightly fewer typos. Is my body learning automatic workarounds as well a gradually improving as the ctot dispersing meds do their job? We'll see,

Adjusting 2

 I managed about six hours of sleep, got up slowly, took my first batch of medication on schedule. Owain took over my office to work from home. He had problems working with an old TV for a monitor, but once he had bought a new HDMI adaptor cable from Tourotech, he was able to use my monitor as a second screen with his laptop. This worked fine, but as the day wore on the connection to the HMRC VPN kept dropping, which was very frustrating for his work at home plan. A really difficult trouble shooting job fixed the problem after a lot of time and effort. Once sorted all was well. I stuck to the medication regime with difficulty, and helped prepare lunch with Clare, and responded as best I could as get well messages arrived. I couldn't write much, and didn't finish sound editing. I needed so much quiet distraction free time to process all that happened and sort my head out. All so slow and I ended up going to bed late and tired again.

Home again

Preparation counts. Although I was slow and apprehensive about posting today's Morning Prayer link and reflection to WhatsApp, I was able to do so. Later in the morning I was briefed about discharge and the medication regime, and made arrangements for Kath to come and take me home. I got back after lunch at three. She was brilliant at helping to establish a schedule for medication. Later she returned to Kenilworth and work commitments. 

Owain had by then arrived by train and helped Kath make a routine structure for taking medication.  I made an effort to find out what I could achieve to make next week's morning prayer video as I had texts prepared for recording. I managed this with a few errors that needed editing. I wanted to see if I could do this before throwing in the towel. I made a start, and made some progress before needing to rest. I'm easily overstimulated and distracted, my brain processes everything very slowly. Too much interaction with others and a lot of kind messages to read is exhausting. Including one from my sister June, informed by Kath. Even so, time passes un-noticed. It was nearly midnight by the time I got to bed. in bed

Life changing

 The consultant examining me was teaching a class of medics about my symptoms and referred me straight away for a CT scan which revealed a blood clot on the occipital lobe of my brain. Pressure from it was threatening circulation, causing the symptoms experienced. It was a question of waiting for a regime of four additional different medications to be prescribed to lower my blood pressure plus blood thinners  to disperse the clot safely.T he day passed with me stabilizing. I was able to walk around the ward. and to the toilet very carefully I, should say ,because I was still prone to stumbling. By the evening, I was moved from a ward of ailing men and women into a four bed unit for men only. undergoing completion of their treatment and discharge, so quickly believe it or not. I ended Monday after visits from people including the Chaplain. Kath arrived with phone charger,my regular medication and pyjamas, having come down to accompany Clare while I was out of the house. Her presence was most welcome as there were a few things which I hadn't been able to gather together. it was good to know Clare had her support. I don't know how much longer I'll be kept in, but they will conclude tests and give me time with an occupational therapist to see if I can manage at  home. It seems seems accumulation of stress over the last week or so pushed my blood pressure up, making my blood clot, giving me a stroke. I did overdo it. Serves me right, you could say. Experience of being cherished and looked after by staff ar UHW left me feeling I am going to be alright eventually. With such blood pressure I could be dead by now. I'm not dead so far I will be cancelling all the things I meant to be doing and that wasn't exactly easy from hospital. Staff were marvellously helpful to ensure this week's cataract op  gets cancelled, which I failed to do  by phone. The next Sunday service I am booked to do at Fairwater Fr Rhys took over, such a relief.

I'm not going to write much more now. I'm pretty tired and I need the rest. So  grateful to all those people have held me up this last weekend. After a  case conference they I'll discharged, having satisfied themselves I can look after myself and Clare with the right support after the astonishing surprise. I didn't really think that my wife my life was in control.

This has taken ages to write using a speech to text app and editing it. Confirmation that   my hand eye coordination is very poor. My left eye has a blockage in field of vision to exacerbate the problem of control and navigation. I'm not blind, but will have to give up driving a car. Regrettable, but also a relief. We've already discussed giving up the car. Driving has become a stressful chore already. An end to 55 years of motoring for me, on an equal footing with Owain, who hasn't yet learned to drive

Not a trapped nerve but a stroke

I phoned around to see if I could find a chiropractor who would treat my shoulder and neck but unfortunately one that I wanted to use wasn't available, only the answering machine. I was worried that I seemed to be getting worse, so I called Fr Rhys and told him  I wasn't well after yesterday's incident in church. He came around immediately and drove me  to the UHW accident and emergency unit in the Heath and after he had registered me on the  emergency triage system. After a relativeIy short wait, I was installed in the critical Ward of the stroke unit. I didn't realize it was more than just a trapped nerve giving  me trouble.  I was examined, asked a lot of questions, tested and then admitted me to a very busy ward full of poorly old ladies and digital alarm noises, My blood pressure was unbelievably high so I was given a bed straight away and slept a very difficult night .I t was full of activity and beeping monitors, people coughing moaning and loud snoring. I felt terrible, left cheek and arm nub, visual mpairment, uncoordinated movement.No doubt a life changing stroke. Damned,

Uncoordinated

 I slept badly, unable to do anything to relieve the trapped nerve in my face. I was unsteady on my feet, my hand - eye coordination poor, making it difficult to type accurately. Getting to St Catherine's for the Parish Eucharist felt as precarious as tightrope walking, but I was determined to  go. Holy Cross day has always been a meaningful celebration for me. It was something of an endurance test getting there and sitting still with facial numbness coming and going in a random way,, with fine movement lacking coordination and my eyes not working properly was disconcerting. Just as well I knew the hymns off by heart. When I got up to go for Communion I was stumbling negotiating my way past the pews about and attracted attention to myself. It was embarrassing, being surrounded by anxious faces, concerned I was having a stroke, and needing to reassure people the symptoms were of a trapped nerve. Exercise was what I needed to keep going however. I kept moving as much as possible when I got home, and went out for a walk on the rain after lunch. I tripped in the street and fell flat on my face. The physical jerk of landing on hands and knees reduced the pressure on the trapped nerve and the presenting symptoms subsided, as if I'd been given a thump in the right place like a physio might. I realised I was putting myself at risk and walked home very tentatively. The rest of the day passed with me keeping moving and stretching and twisting to find ways of relieving the nerve pressure and prevent myself seizing up. Meanwhile, bed.

I must get myself an urgent physio appointment tomorrow.

Trapped nerve

 Sunshine today with occasional showers, but less frequent and intense, I slept awkwardly and woke up with a trapped nerve in my neck, which gave me all sorts of problems throughout the day - a numb cheek, poor balance and coordination. I couldn't work out how to untrap it. It wasn't painful, but left me feeling helpless and clumsy. I went for a walk after breakfast in an effort to loosen my back and shoulders, but it made little difference. I cooked sea bass for lunch and realised we were low on vegetables, so I went out again after we'd eaten and bought leeks and cabbage to see us through the next few days until our organic veg b. Clare sat out in the garden and enjoyed the sunshine. She's getting around the house carefully on crutches now, making progress as long as she rests and takes pain killers. I went out again and walked to prevent my back stiffening, no matter how much I move my shoulders, there's no change. 

After supper we watched the last night of the proms. A loose cushion knocked over a glass full of wine. it spilled all over the carpet. Cleaning up the mess was a nightmare of physical effort in my un-coordinated state. It even affwcts the accuracy of my typing and writing takes much longer with many errors needing corrrection. I'm not looking forward to going to bed tonight.

Annoying weather

Longer spells of intermittent rain today with random bursts of sunshine and strong gusts of wind. It's not cold enough to warrant wearing rain gear, and carrying a brolly in such uncertain arbitrary conditions may or may not be justified. One minute there's light drizzle, the next a brief but heavy downpour and you can't tell what's coming next. I find this so annoying and disruptive of the everyday rhythm of life. It was late afternoon before I ventured out to the shops without getting wet, but as soon as I got home, there was another cloudburst. 

In the news, the suspected killer of a prominent pro-Trump conservative influencer at a 3000 strong student rally in Utah has been detained after being denounced by a member of his family. The murder has shocked the American public as well as leaders. Charlie Kirk the 31 year old victim was taken seriously by all sides in the political arena for his efforts to engage in reasoned debate and promote dialogue between left and right in an extremely polarised society. An openly evangelical Christian, he's now being hailed as a martyr by some. Such a bitter irony that he opposed gun control.

I had a message and some lovely photos from Rachel who's staying at a friend's house on the Florida Coast this weekend. She got a return fare for the equivalent £8.50, by cashing in air miles from various trips she's made in recent years.

Pasta for lunch with a sugo that included chewy bite sided chunks of Textured Vegetable Protein, intended to resemble the texture of meat. The kind we usually buy is more granular with a passing resemblance to minced meat in a bolognaise concoction. I'm not sure about the texture of the chewy chunks, it seems odd to me, unnecessary over processing, and not so easy to impart flavour to it.

After lunch I wrote a reflection to go with the text of Morning Prayer two Wednesdays from now, and then went shopping during a break in the rain. By the time we'd finished supper, the rain stopped so I ventured out for a sunset walk, longer than usual as I hadn't covered much ground much earlier in the day, so it was dark by the time I got back, just in time to watch this week's live episode of 'Inspector Gerri', concluding a far fetched tale of child abduction and murder, linked to a perverse esoteric cult devoted to the Archangel Michael, set in an ancient pilgrim sanctuary. Not very convincing. And now time for bed, hoping for a better night's sleep.

Lettuce soup - a first

After I got up this morning, there was a WhatsApp message from Veronica containing photos of Monet's amazing gardens at Giverny, south of Rouen in France which he often painted. Their travel plan took them there before taking the car ferry from Le Havre eighty miles further on for the crossing to Southampton. I hope their travel has spared them the strange weather we've been having lately, with the sun shining through clouds one minute and torrential rain showers the next. 

When I was walking to Beanfreaks for a few health food items, it suddenly poured down and I had to fight strong gusts of wind for control of my umbrella while the sun shone brightly overhead. Then, for a change I read half a dozen pages of my Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel before cooking lunch with veggie sausages for Clare, boil-in-the-bag kippers for me and an assortment of different coloured carrots and potatoes.

After lunch and a short snooze, I started preparing another Morning Prayer. I decided to let my Honor laptop update itself, as I haven't done so since buying the Dell last month. It took over an hour which surprised me. Then went out for a circuit of Llandaff Fields and down to Blackweir Bridge. By this time the strong winds and rain clouds had been driven over the border into England, so I was spared another soaking. While I was out Clare used the large lettuce from this week's veg bag to make soup, something we've not done before. It was surprisingly tasty with a much darker green colour than the lettuce itself. I just hope she's not overdoing it, by standing long enough to make the soup. I know how tiring I find standing at the stove cooking after preparing veg and laying the table, and I'm pretty fit.

After supper I watched an episode and a half of 'Karen Pirie', full of surprises that completely change the expected outcome. And then, bed.

Baking on crutches

Another cloudy intermittently rainy day, colder too. After breakfast I went to the Eucharist at Saint Catherine's. There were seven of us this morning. Over coffee afterwards they wanted a progress report on Clare. I collected this week's veggie bag from Chapter on my way home. As I was crossing the junction of Llandaff and Romilly Roads I noticed a set of gates were being installed in the rebuilt entrance of 'The Cedars', the Victorian Mansion which has been transformed over the past year, facade faithfully restored to its original condition, perimeter wall and railings faithful to originals which would have been removed as part of the war effort over 80 years ago, servants' quarters rebuilt and adapted discreetly for contemporary uses, and garden space laid out differently with the addition of new trees and bushes. I've no idea who may have funded this or who will be living there. It's an impressive piece of work.

I cooked salmon and rice with green beans and carrots for lunch. Yet again I slept in the chair for an hour. I may be in bed for nine hours each night, but I'm awake intermittently for one to two hours in the night. Then, a trip to the shops to stock up on groceries. Clare hinted that she fancied some cake, so I promised to buy her fresh pastries. When I returned with them, the oven was on with a chocolate cake cooking in it. 

The challenge of baking while using crutches was irresistible for her - to think that a week ago she was languishing in hospital, still feeling nauseous! It's a positive sign of good recovery and her determination to get back to normality as soon as possible. It was tiring for her however, and I took her supper upstairs. After we'd eaten I walked to Thompson's Park for a breath of fresh air, and then settled down to watch the finale of 'Karen Pirie' in which two different but linked murders were solved and the perpetrators arrested. 

In the end it was the relentless search for forensic detail that completed the picture and made it possible to tell both stories, past and present. It turned out in the end that Detective Sargent's Pirie's boss was the murderer, hiding in plain sight for twenty five years. His fatal error was to underestimate the young police woman he commissioned to lead the investigation, convinced she'd fail to solve the case. After all the twists and turns of the case, this was his only admission when confronted with the story she told about him and his crime. One of the most important things about modern feminism is that it highlights the ability and successes of women often overlooked, ignored or wrongfully attributed to men. Still far too many men regard women as inferior to men and mistreat them, for they find the notion of equality threatening to their self esteem. When will we ever learn? 

Reckless assault

Overcast today with occasional sunny breaks, and spells of light drizzle. It was warm enough for Clare to sit out in the garden for a while after breakfast, but the weather deteriorated into persistent rain later on. 

In the news today, reports of an Israeli strike on a hotel in Qatar, targeting the senior leadership of Hamas, said to stay there. It's not certain how successful the raid was, and it has provoked outrage in Middle Eastern nations and further afield. 

Even Trump states he's 'very unhappy' about this 'unfortunate' unilateral incident, which serves the interests of neither Israel nor the USA in his opinion. He wasn't consulted about Netanyahu's decision. Qatar hosts a large American air base, and the Qatari Emirate has been hosting diplomatic initiatives to bring about a ceasefire and return of Israeli hostages. What will happen now?

Netanyahu seems to act without regard for the consequences, his spokespersons declaring the world will be grateful when Israel has totally eliminated Hamas. Will any negotiations be possible after this? Meanwhile the invasion of Gaza city and levelling it to the ground with thousands of residents unable to flee to safe places of refuge continues. 

Hamas the organisation may soon be eliminated, but the ideology and stories of those who fought for it at the cost of their lives will survive to inspire others, one way or another. Despite the defeat of nazism, and post war de-nazification efforts its ideology re-emerged half a century later, like an un-treatable cancer. 

I cooked herrings for lunch with the usual veg, and after a mini-siesta worked on making a video slide show of Morning Prayer for the week after next, and uploading it to YouTube. Then a walk around Llandaff Fields and along the Taff down to Sophia Gardens and to the shops in Canton to get some soft fruit before returning home. 

After supper I watched the second long episode of 'Karen Pirie' on ITVX. It's a slow moving police procedural, switching constantly between an investigation 25 years ago and a current case. It moves along in a low key way at slow pace. It features the work of a True Crime podcaster which stimulates a police cold case review resulting in murder related to past tragedy. Its twists and turns arise from the emergence of details previously overlooked or ignored, some of them coming from social media posts by fans of the podcast. It's received very favourable reviews. I'm not surprised.

Location location location

Cloudy again with occasional sunshine, 19C. It's the third anniversary of King Charles' accession to the throne today. I slept fairly well, but later on, a painless trapped nerve in my neck or shoulders, not sure which, made my left arm and face muscles tingle, verging on numbness, which was a bit unnerving. I managed to relieve it with the Theracane massage stick which Kath bought me some years ago. It's very useful for undoing knots in muscles. I made breakfast and Clare came down and joined me, then returned to bed. She's slowly adjusting to getting around on crutches, but must be very careful.  The mind is willing but the body reacts with acute pain if she over-does it.

Even though the moon rose above the cloud too late in Cardiff to see the full eclipse last night, I was quite pleased with some of the photos I took and uploaded them after breakfast after doing the usual Monday housework.

 

Kath sent a message listing three possible places in Newbury recommended by Pete to choose from for lunch with Veronica. Today Veronica and John set out from L'Escala to drive to Kent, a formidable trip! I cooked a veggie dish with Canellini beans and brown rice for lunch, then slept for an hour, before doing the shopping. The down side of using the car as little as possible is being unable to do a big food shopping trip once a week. Shopping piecemeal takes a lot of time and walking the streets when the park would be preferable, but I suppose it does help us to think often about variety and freshness in our diet.

Late, I walked down to the Taff, and spotted a female cormorant on top of the pillar from which Blackweir bridge is suspended. Cormorants seem to roost there but only occasionally. If I see one fishing in the river I check to see if the pillar top is inhabited. It's been a long time since I last saw one up there, maybe even this time last year? Another thing I noticed was a large flock of starlings foraging on a football pitch nearest to the field where the stabled horses graze. Gulls and crows do the same thing from time to time in poor weather conditions but starlings less so. It's this time last year since I saw them gathered on the grass. I wonder if there's an abundance of a certain insect there at this time of year, which attracts them.

The park bench nearest the bridge, began to deteriorate a couple of months ago, as one after another of the wooden slats forming the seat were broken until the seat was unusable. I remained like that for about a month until it was cordoned off with official 'do not use' tape. Last week it was repaired. I wonder why it took so long before its unusable condition was officially noticed? I took the opportunity to sit on it and enjoy the sunshine for the first time today. Two guys with hi-viz jackets were sitting on the grass next to it, minding a pile of kit. 

Next to them, several large iron plates were laid out on the grass, ready to welcome a few heavy vehicles. Attached to the top of the pile of kit was a strange notice saying 'ITV food waste', an indication that a movie making team was about to turn the location into an outdoor studio. As I headed home several vehicles with trailers resembling horse boxes drove past me down to the river. I think they may have been mobile dressing rooms. In the main car park stood a mobile toilet unit, presumably ready for moving to the location. It's not unusual for Pontcanna Fields to be used for movie making, and sometimes the entire car park is taken up with movie production team vehicles. Coincidentally, the first Welsh TV channel studios (TWW) occupied a site next to the same car park, but was demolished in the 1990s and replaced by houses. Use of the fields as an outdoor movie location perpetuates its link with the TV industry. You could say it's a media habitat, I suppose.

After supper, I watched another crime series on ITVX called 'Karen Pirie'. It's set in St Andrews Scotland. The accents of characters in the initial dialogue was so strong, I switched on the subtitles for a while. The protagonist is a Detective Sergeant, reviewing a cold case, after its profile is raised by a crime podcaster. This triggers a chain of events leading to a another murder 25 years later. The story is told over three episodes ninety minutes long. A slow moving story, to say the least.  

Corn Moon eclipse

I didn't sleep all that well, and got up after the eight o'clock news. I made breakfast for us then Owain left to return to Bristol, with a busy day ahead of him. I prepared lunch, then went to St Catherine's Eucharist. There were about three dozen adults and ten children, including two babes in arms and an assortment of exuberant toddlers and primary school age children. Sunday Club has resumed, so the children have a session of their own during the Ministry of the Word, and join the rest of as at Communion time. I love the way the children gather and wave to the choir as they process out at the end of the service, something which started spontaneously with one toddler doing it earlier in the year.

When I arrived home, Clare had just come down stairs to start cooking the lunch I'd already prepared, and then returned to bed, to eat it in comfort half an hour later. I slept in the chair for a while after eating, then went out to buy some more fruit at the big Co-op before walking in the park for an hour. After supper I went out again, down to Pontcanna to see if I could observe the full moon eclipse. 

Unfortunately there were layers of stratus cloud. I was there at the time of moonrise, but it was another twenty minutes by the time it was visible above the trees along the Taff, but it was already too late to see the full eclipse, unusually long though it was on this occasion, nearly an hour. When the moon peeped through, the visible portion was small and brightly lit. After emerging from the cloud layer, about two thirds of the moon was still dark red, obscured by the shadow of the earth. We were living in Queen Anne Square in the city centre the last time I saw an eclipse, nearly full on that occasion I recall, but not quite.

Kath called me while I was watching and we talked through plans to rendezvous at Didcot Parkway for the last leg of the journey to Newbury to meet Veronica on the 20th of this month. She's going to make enquiries of Pete Brand, John's son, who lives in that vicinity about the best place to eat.

I returned home and watched another episode of Ridley before bed. As I closed the bedroom curtains, I saw the moon directly overhead surrounded by with stratus clouds blown east by the wind. It reminded my of the opening of Walter de la Mare's poem 'The Highwayman' -

'The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas'

I'll look at my moonrise photos tomorrow.

Welcome invitation

Hazy sunshine today, warmer too 22C. Despite getting up late I had a decent night's sleep. Still, it's hard to shake off tiredness after such an intense active week. I cooked the usual Saturday pancakes for breakfast and Clare came down to eat with me, but returned to bed afterwards, being unable to get comfortable and relax with the pain. 

After we'd eaten and I'd tidied the kitchen, a quick food shopping trip, then it was lunchtime. I had a brief report to send, before I could start cooking a lentil, veg and rice dish for our meal. Mother Siân, curate of Fairwater emailed me to ask if I could celebrate the Parish Eucharist there on 21st of this month. I was delighted to be asked, as it's the 55th anniversary of the first time I presided at the Eucharist in Saint Andrew's Church Penyrheol. Coincidentally it'll be St Matthew's Day again on that Sunday. 

Rhiannon and Talyaan her boyfriend posted photos on WhatsApp of their new apartment in Manchester. Kath and Anto have moved their belongings there this weekend. Now Kath and Anto are empty nesters!

I went for a walk in Thompson's park after a siesta. Half of the big pond is now clear of the green algae that has covered the surface this past few months. I wonder if it's a result of the influx of fresh rain water from recent cloudbursts diluting whatever it is that causes the stuff to grow in the first place? As Owain is coming to visit his Mum and spend the night with us, I went to the Co-op to buy some more vegetables, and then cooked him a special chicken, chorizo and beans dish for supper. I took Clare's salad supper up to her in bed. She's experiencing a lot of oain at the moment and needs to lie low. 

Owain arrived at seven bearing a bunch of roses for his Mum and a bottle of excellent Languedoc red wine to share. We chatted over the meal, then watched a Canadian crimmie together. Eventually, I left him watching and took myself to bed.

Getting used to a new routine

A night's sleep disturbed occasionally by Clare's wakeful activity but none the worse for that. I just stayed in bed an hour longer to compensate. She's finding out the best way to minimise pain and discomfort, and resting with occasional walks along the landing. I took her breakfast in bed, then ran the washing machine and hung the load out to dry under a blue sky with ominously dark clouds moving across it. I heard a robin announcing its presence, claiming its territory in a garden nearby. The sound of crows and wood pigeons too, but gulls that roost on the rooftops annoying me at first light, have already left looking for food.

I intended to go to Thornhill at lunchtime to attend the funeral of Tony Lewis, long standing member and organiser of events at the United Services Mess. I have fond recollections of him coaching me to make the formal tribute in pitch darkness at the annual Mess dinner many years ago - a nerve wracking experience. I had to accept that I need to be at home or not far away while Clare is in the early stages of recovery, to be on the safe side. She's doing well so far, but it's a slow process of adjustment to living with a different kind of pain for the moment. I'm kept busy with making sure she has everything she needs; a trip to the surgery to get a prescription for painkillers, preparing meals and serving in the bedroom. I must have gone up and down stairs two dozen times during the day, dealing with the washing and so on. Hilary came by with a lovely bouquet of flowers "to cheer Clare up" she said. How kind!

It was sunset by the time I went for a walk to the Taff, returning in darkness. Then I relaxed watching this week's live episode of 'Inspector Gerri' on More Four then the rest of an episode of 'Ridley' started yesterday on ITVX catch-up. I shall sleep well tonight.

In recovery - day three

I slept remarkably well. If it rained in the night I didn't hear it. Sunshine all day, with few clouds and an occasional short sprinkle of rain. I was glad to hear from Clare that she'd slept well and felt much better. While I was having breakfast she sent another message to say she would be discharged today at two. I should ensure there were cushions in the care to support and protect her thigh. There was food shopping that needed to be done, and supper to prepare before making myself an early lunch to ensure I arrived on time.

Clare was ready to leave when I arrived. I busied myself, loading her bags and crutches into the car while a nurse brought her to the front entrance by wheel chair. We were very impressed with the kindness of the hospital staff, who seemed relaxed, maybe less stressed out in this working environment than in an over worked NHS hospital. She used the zimmer frame for the half a dozen steps to the car. Getting in was a tricky, potentially painful exercise, the first time for her to attempt this. I think she felt every bump in the road in her traumatised thigh muscles driving home on the A4232. 

As we arrived in Meadow Street and parked in the same spot I left an hour and a half earlier, Rob's alarm was going off, right next to us. When we got into the house we found there was a power outage. Several minutes later we were informed by SMS from that national grid that the outage was localised and wouldn't take more than an hour to fix. The power came on again within minutes, thankfully. I wonder if it was a case of another squirrel incinerating itself on the local transformer, as happened last time?

Then, it was a matter of figuring out the most comfortable and supporting seating for her in the lounge and kitchen and eventually the bedroom, getting organised, figuring out medication instructions and booking three follow up appointments at the Cardiff Bay clinic in the month ahead. So many individuals to inform about this happy outcome. Admittedly it's a routine procedure nowadays, performed on thousands. Behind every medical success, however, there's a story to be told of painful hardship endured

I cooked supper and Clare went to bed afterwards. I did so much running up and down stairs that I'd done eighty five per cent of my step quota, so I went out and walked to Tesco's for a bottle of Pinot Noir, then relaxed and reflected on the days now passed. Clare is bound to be tired, but I am too, tense from the waiting.

In recovery - day two

A day of cloud bursts and sunshine. Messages from Clare to say she still felt nauseous but managed to get some sleep. I went to the St Catherine's Eucharist after breakfast and collected this week's veggie bag from Chapter after coffee and chat following the service. I cooked myself lunch, then had a half hour telephone consultation following a request to our GPs for a joint appointment at the memory clinic to seek advice on how best to manage problems of communication arising from Clare's random short term memory lapses. It seems they only do one to one consultations, and it was suggested a recourse to Relate marriage guidance counselling might be the solution, Well maybe, but I felt it was a waste of time. 

I got to the Vale hospital at three. Clare's condition had improved a little but was uncomfortable in bed and in a chair, and still very tired. I stayed an hour and left her to rest. I took a different slightly longer route on my way home but more relaxing, driving on the A4232 bypass road down to Leckwith, rather than the A4119 to Llandaff through villages with an assortment of speed limits on different stretches, calling for extra vigilance. The bypass road was much more relaxing to drive, and I was home by five.

After supper, as I was about to go out for some exercise, Ashley called and we chatted while I walked for two hours altogether. It was nice to have his company on the phone. I watched another episode of 'Ridley' when I got in, and then it was bed time again.

In recovery - day one

Cool cloudy and damp with occasional spells of rain today. Brown and yellow leaves are appearing early in tree tops and it feels like autumn is arriving a month ahead of usual. I got up after Thought for the Day to call the GP surgery at eight for a telephone appointment. I'm expecting a report on two small dark spots, one on each cheek, a legacy of old mosquito bites I recently consulted a doctor about. After a ten minute wait I was promised a call this morning, and sure enough twenty minutes later received a return call to say there's nothing of concern in the images taken and relayed to a consultant for an opinion. 

Clare sent me a message at about the same time, saying that despite her fears, she managed to get some sleep, accompanied by owls hooting in the nearby woods. She asked me to bring her Nytol tablets and some digestion calming drops with me on my afternoon visit. There were still a few items of shopping to do, including some ground coriander. I'd been unsuccessful in finding any yesterday, but didn't go to the recently opened Turkish supermarket which carries a great variety of every culinary spice imaginable, plus some I'd never heard of before. Even there I had to scour the spice shelves to find what I was after, only one brand of spices out of half a dozen had coriander. When I got back I filled the empty spice jar and put the packet with the surplus in our spice cupboard. Tucked away I found a forgotten unopened packet! Ah well, it's nice to have an excuse to visit this supermarket. I came away with a small jar of olives too. Then I cooked pasta for lunch with the other half of the fresh tomato sugo made the other day. 

On the last stretch of the journey to Hensol I made yesterday I reached the sign for the turning I missed in the early morning light. It was two signs, one above the other. The lower is a brown and white tourism destination sign, large and attention grabbing. Above it, the usual sign post to a couple of villages, plus a bilingual one of the hospital, all of equal size, of modest size, not easily readable in low light, but also not very noticeable, for the simple reason there's no H for hospital logo to draw attention to it. I can't think why the Rhondda Cynon Taff Council's signage design team would have omitted this. 

Clare was in bed, feeling nauseous. She had already vomited after lunch, and was in the toilet when I arrived at her room with an outbreak of diarrhea. No stomach bug thankfully, but a total gastric reaction in the aftermath of the epidural she was given for the operation. She got out of bed last night to go to the toilet and again this morning. While I was there she did the same three times, using a zimmer frame. The nurse declared that she was making great progress. It certainly helps recovery being physically fit and fairly strong at our age. The effort was tiring so I only stayed an hour so she could recover. I'm relieved that despite the debilitating after effects she's making excellent progress.

I reached home just after four, and after a cup of tea, walked in the park until supper time. Afterwards I watched the first of a new crime series on ITVX called 'Ridley', starring Adrian Dunbar of 'Line of Duty' fame, as a recently retired detective, called in as homicide case consultant by former colleagues. It's set in the bleak uplands of Yorkshire, not spectacular scenery but with plenty of atmosphere. The surprise was that in playing his part, Dunbar plays the piano and sings, and does this very well indeed. As a retired cop his sensitivity and humanity are portrayed superbly, reminding us of what a fine actor he is.

Clare's op day

Up at five twenty, driving in early light to the Hospital at Hensol in the Vale by ten to six. I missed the turn for the hospital off the Pendoylan Road. The key signpost was hard to read as it was unlit and half covered by vegetation. To turn on a narrow country road, I had to drive a mile into Pendoylan village and back, but we arrived on time. Clare had a panic about forgetting her spec's, and I thought I would need to return and fetch them. As I was setting out for home, she phoned to say she'd found them in a side pocket attached to her case. I went straight to bed and dozed for a couple of hours to recover.

Just after half past ten Clare put a message on the family WhatsApp group to say she was already back in her room, out of surgery. An epidural anaesthetic was used, so it'll be a while before she can feel her legs and the initial pain. Apparently she was first on the morning's surgical list, and is now looking forward to breakfast! Lots of messages exchanged with family and friends. Wonderful news, so far all good.

I did the Monday housework, and then cooked a pasta lunch for myself using the last of the fresh tomatoes from last week's veggie bag. Another snooze in the chair after lunch, and a heavy grocery shopping trip, to maintain the domestic routine. I bought chicken and plums, then cooked both slowly at the same time in casserole dishes in the oven, while I went out for a walk in the park. I enjoyed a dish of the stewed plums for supper. Clare avoids certain soft fruit as part of her anti-arthritis diet so I can indulge my taste for them when I'm on my own. Now the anaesthetic has worn off she's in a lot of pain that the strongest analgesics cannot relieve totally, so we haven't spoken tonight, just exchanged a few messages. 

I watched another episode of 'Beck', following the establishment of grandson Vilhelm as a member of the homicide detective team despite setbacks and difficulties he has with his boss. Two different investigations however, one that follows through from a previous case in the series about a night time voyeur, the other about the following of an influencer promoting the development of a positive non-toxic masculinity - a bit difficult to follow, given that one of his disciples is a psychotic killer who happens to work as a security guard at police HQ. A bit far fetched, if you ask me.  Then a breath of night time fresh air and a walk around the block before bed. As I opened the door to go out a heavy downpour of rain started. I reached for my brolly and went out anyway, knowing at my trouser legs would get soaked. As I was going to undress on return, it didn't matter for once.